I used to be a collector of Christmas music, RHU. The stranger, the better. Then I joined the ranks at the Big Red Star, and became far more particular about which music I listened to between September and January. When the Christmas music began filtering in near the end of October (around 1 in every 20 songs or so, then continuing on through the season until it was nothing BUT Christmas music), I would hope for my favorites.
I enjoyed "Christmas Wrapping" by The Waitresses, an 80's favorite about a girl who has been trying in vain to hook it up with a single guy all year, and gives up around Christmas-time, preferring to Grinch it up by herself. I'm also partial to the Barenaked Ladies' "Green Christmas", whose opening lines are "The streets are filled with Christmas cheer/ At least it's only once a year." I was always kind of hoping to hear "Elf's Lament" by BNL and Michael Buble, but that one is sort of sympathetic to retail slaves and admits that Christmas sucks, so they were probably hesitant to play it.
Most of the rest of their selection was the same old shit, but in the last few years, the people who picked the music for that store seemed to have polled me at one point, asking which songs made me want to kick puppies in the face. "And remember, this is for posterity, so be honest."
- "Mrs Santa Claus" by Nat King Cole. Not sure what about this song makes my skin crawl, but it does.
- "I Want To Go Skating With Willie" by Pattie Page. That's it. A chick wants to skate with a guy named Willie. I think it's from the 1950's when it was all the rage to hold a boy's hand or some shit. Also, we're supposed to be impressed because "Willie is such a good skate."
- And the most cloying Christmas song ever: "The Bell That Couldn't Jingle" by Burt Bacharach. A bell is made or born or whatever without that metal clapper thing, so it can't jingle, and is sad. Jack Frost freezes one of his tears and gives it to the bell so he can use that instead. I think the bell ends up on Rudolph's harness or some crazy crap. Somehow, I always seemed to be up on a ladder and right near the speaker when this came on, so I got an extra-loud earful of bullshit.
How about you guys? What Christmas songs does your store play that make you want to cave in a pug's cute little face with your non-skid work shoes?