From jhalakafaka: Candy bar names at a sex shop. Can you think of any more?
A few days ago some kid walks into my store, he comes up to me and asks me the dumbest question ever.
"Hi, do you sell sex here?" he can hardly contain his laughter.
I glare at him "Yes, and I need to see some ID. You don't look 18 or older".
Little kid starts laughing and pulls out an obviously fake ID, "Here you go sir. Can I buy a dildo?"
The ID is clearly not his, but, of his father who he looks nothing like.
"You do know this is isn't your ID? Get out or I call the police," obviously I wont, but, he doesn't know that.
Kid gets worked up and calls me names and says, "I'm telling my dad you won't let me in here."
'Stupid kid' I think, and I go back to reading my book and waiting for my co-worker to get back so I can go to lunch.
So here I am at lunch reading my book and eating my big mac when I get a call from my co-worker.
Co-worker says "Dude you gotta get back here, there's an angry parent here demanding to see you." It was a nice lunch, but, duty calls, lets just pray this won't be so bad.
I get over to the store, and there they are. That kids father and his mom. I go up to the father and shake his and and introduce myself as the manager. The father is pissed that his son stole his ID and came into this store. He blames me apparently.
I try my best to calm him down, but, he refuses to believe me, he thinks I allowed his "perfect angel" to come inside this store. He then states "Muh boy is only 9 years old and a good Christian, and you've exposed him to this garbage."
Again I state the boy came in, asked a question, I asked to see his ID and forced him out. Father says I was being very sexually explicit to his son and he's going to call the police and have me arrested for sexually harassing a little boy.
I roll my eyes, he has no proof, but, I have a surveillance camera in the front of the store. I take him to my office, and show him the video feed. Father looks on unhappy, he starts shaking.
The mother says "It's fake! It has to be! My son would never do that!"
I apologize to them and say it's natural for someone that age to be curious about the opposite sex, and I think you should give him a talk.
Parents storm off back to the car. Thank god I had a camera watching the front, this could have gone very badly if not.
I used to work night shift in an adult store. Now I don't. Every now and then at the adult store I'd pick up a different shift. One Sunday, when I was still a fairly new employee, me and the other primary third shifter found ourselves working a 4-12 shift together because everyone else was sick. I think I'd been there for about 5 or 6 months at that time. He would have been there 1 or 2 months. It's not super relevant, but he and I had both worked the night before, so we were both on a turnaround shift as well.
So there the two of us were, bleary eyed and faced with a bright mysterious orb in the sky and trying to make sense of these strange new surroundings. Like I said, the two of us were both fairly new to the store at the time, and not used to the volume of customers we were dealing with. But he and I proved to be a good team, and managed it.
Maybe an hour or so into the shift, a guy comes in to the store carrying one of our bags, and I can tell it's pretty full. Oh joy, an exchange! /sarcasm
He'll be C for Customer, I'll be MSB, my coworker will be BC, because reasons.
C- Hey I need a refund. My girlfriend saw the naughty maid outfit and wasn't having any of it.
He starts to pull toys and an outfit out of the bag and hands me the receipt. I look at his total, over a $100, and then I look at the top of the receipt where it says in big friendly letters "NO REFUNDS." Oh, this isn't going to be fun.
MSB- Unfortunately, sir. We don't do refunds. I can of-
C- That's ridiculous! I spent over a hundred dollars! I want a refund.
I cleared my throat.
MSB- As I was saying. We don't do refunds. I can off-
C- I want to speak to a manager.
He points at BC.
C- Is he a manager?
MSB- No, sir. It's Sunday, the manager isn't here.
MSB- Sir, it says right on the receipt NO REFUNDS. The manager will tell you the same thing. I'm not calling him. It's his day off.
C- This is bullshit! Call the manager!
MSB- Sir, I'm not calling the manager.
C- So you're telling me I'm SOL?
MSB- No, sir. As I was trying to tell you before that we can do exchanges on certain unopened merchandise within ten days of purchase. Unfortunately, we don't do any returns on clothing items, but we can give you store credit on everything else.
He huffs and puffs and goes to BC, trying to get him to say something else. He pisses and moans and berates BC. BC waves him off, telling him I've been here longer and am the only one who can help him. Customer stalks back over to me.
C- You have to give me the full store credit! This is ridiculous!
I reached into his bag and pulled out the copy of our return policy that he was given (like everyone who makes a purchase) when he made the purchase. Furthermore, we had big signs at each of our registers that also listed all of our return policies.
MSB- Sir, here's our return policy. Everything I told you is there.
Looking very cranky, he reads it over, and finally begrudgingly accepts store credit. At this point I should mention how technologically challenged our store was. We didn't have scanners. Our sales were tracked by paper. Everything was done the old school way.
C- I guess I'll just take the store credit and come back next weekend.
MSB- Unfortunately, store credit must be used when it's issued. You made your purchase nine days ago, so you have until tomorrow to return the items and get the credit though.
C- That's ridiculous! I can't make it in tomorrow!
MSB- Well, if you call and talk to a manager, they might be able to make an exception for you. But I can't guarantee anything.
C- They're going to give me my money back.
No they're not.
MSB- I can't guarantee you anything, sir. But you're more than welcome to talk to them tomorrow.
C- You're going to lose your job over this.
Yeah, managers always fire people for following policy.
C- You're going to be the one who's SOL.
MSB- All right then.
He cursed at me some more and gathered up his stuff and left. A moment later, BC notices something on the counter.
BC- Hey, dude left his receipt.
MSB- I'll put it with my paperwork and leave a note for the manager so he knows it's for that guy.
BC- Put what with your paperwork?
He crumpled the receipt up.
BC- That was just some garbage I found on the counter.
He throws it into the trash can. It might surprise you learn that I did not dramatically dive forward to catch the receipt before it fell into the garbage can. I instead watched as it disappeared amongst the other bits of garbage in the can.
MSB- Oh. Okay.
BC- Guess he is SOL.
This happened awhile ago, I was the new manager after the last one was arrested on drug related charges (explains why he was always so off). The owner, I call "Boss Man" is a strictly business kinda guy. He's rich and arrogant with a shady past and shady friends.
I'm getting paid better then what I would at any other retail place, and I don't have to do much. Boss man comes into my office "PornoManager, we need people. We need people now. Hire someone within the week or I'm replacing you."
I tell Boss Man, "Okay, but, I need to know what to do. What kinda questions to ask."
Boss Man looms over me and then gets in real close, his breath smells like booze and he reeks of old cigarettes. "PornoManager just ask standard questions. Make some crap up. I have some "important" business to attend to," he explains, and then as he's leaving he shouts out "Don't make me regret this!"
A week to hire some rookie on, no pressure, eh? Within a day we get 3 resumes submitted. First one I see is poorly written and not even filled out. Into the trash it goes! Second one isn't even English... right into the trash! Third is terrible, the guy has little experience, and lists "porno watching" as his hobby. A sad thing to say he's the least terrible applicant, I save his resume and wait till better ones come in.
A few days go by and a few interviews, I reject every last one of them for various reasons. With time running out and me being desperate and going against my better judgment I decide to give the "porno watcher" a call. I should have known this would have been a bad idea, I really should have seen the writing on the wall.
He comes in the next day well dressed and on-time. He gives me a firm handshake and manages to impress me in the interview. Success! Maybe things would not be so bad, maybe I was being too judgmental. I mean it's not as if our job is difficult. How bad could this be? Really? We get him started by Friday.
He comes in an hour late. That pisses me off, but, I'll allow it to slide just this once considering it is daylight savings and maybe he made an honest mistake.
I get him started on the register and just up to date on the products. It'll just be me and him today so I can give him the training he'll need. Today's going to be a slow day today, we'll be lucky to get even one customer, but, who knows.
Out of the blue he comes up to me and says "So, this is a porno store, right? Do girls come in here and get naked and get f-d? Do we got glory holes?"
I explain to him that we are not a "porno store," as we focus on improving people's sex lives.
"You mean a porno store, right?"
I just sigh and go off to doing my work. I'm not going to like this guy.
All through the day he keeps asking me stupid questions like where all the girls are or why aren't there any people having sex. As best I do to explain, he just keeps asking more and more questions and he won't stop talking about porn. I'm just glad no customers have come in. Lunch break! I ask if he'll be able to handle the store while I'm gone. He says yes, he'll "manage somehow," he says in such an odd tone suppressing a giggle.
I tell him if he needs me he can call me on my cell, I'll be across the street at McD. With that I walk off.
After getting my food, I walk back to the store hoping he'll have gotten everything out of his system. I hope he would stop it with the annoying questions. I walk in and he's not at the register. I walk around and hear a moaning sound coming from my office. Oh god, I think, please don't be what I imagine it is.
I open the door and there he is with his pants down watching a porno movie on my computer.
"Please tell me you aren't doing what I think you're doing..." I yell.
I don't let him finish. I unplug the PC and yell at him to get his pants on. He rushes to get them on, all mad at me.
"What's the big idea anyways?" he says confused as to why I'm so mad.
I tell him to get out, he's fired and he's lucky I don't call Police.
New Guy is all huffy, and confused, "What's your problem man? I'm on break! This is a porno store, man. Why can't I do that here? I'll call your owner and tell him to get me my job back!"
I laugh and rush him out the door, "Boss Man would probably kick your ass. Don't show your face here again." and I slam the door behind him.
At least I caught him early.
Stupid customers. I'm the manager at a sex toy/porn store. You think working at a porno store would be a fun job, it isn't. So yesterday some crazy lady comes in and starts yelling at me for selling sex toys "I bet your parents are real proud of you!" rabble rabble rabble.
I tell Crazy lady, if she needs any help she needs to tell me. She pulls out a black dildo from her purse. She slams it down on the counter and screams she wants a refund, as she caught her daughter using it. I stare at her, and tell her we do not accept returns without a receipt and we do not accept returns of used dildos. I calmly tell her to take it off my counter as I don't know where that's been.
Crazy lady starts yelling that I am going to burn in hell, and she wants her money back. Again I calmly explain I can not accept this item. Crazy lady goes on a rant about how evil and sad I am for selling these items.
"Well, that's all fine and dandy but I don't really give a damn. Either buy something or get out as I am not accepting this item." I explained as nicely as possible.
Crazy lady goes up in arms and starts waving the dildo in my face "I want to speak to the manager!"
I smile, "Ma'am, I am the manager."
She gets red in the face and then screams she wants to talk to the owner. "Ma'am, the owner is a busy man and can't always be here. I don't think you would like to see him mad. I am sorry ma'am, but, I can not accept a used dildo."
Crazy lady gets mad and throws the dildo at my face and then spits on me. "God will strike you dead. You are a corrupter. You have defiled my daughter by selling her this tool of the devil. I shall not leave until I have a refund!"
I shake my head, no more being nice. I tell her to get the hell out of my store before I call Police. We have a very clear no soliciting rule. Crazy lady stutters and thinks I'm bluffing. I'm not, I pick up the phone and prepare to call.
Crazy Lady runs out the store and that's last I see of her. What's worse: is today was supposed to be my day off. I only came in because my asst-manager and other worker decided to "conveniently" call in sick today, leaving me as the only one working today.