Retail Hell Underground

Topless Bar For Discount Rats

If A Fake Wang Whops You Across The Face, Is It Sexual Assault and Battery?

From: Terah

I heard this story from a coworker, about her husband. It happened before they even met, but I thought it was kind of funny, despite how it went down.

Mr. PJ and a couple of his friends got drunk one day, and decided to go to the well-known sex shop in town and look around. Now, at this place if you go in with a purse or any kind of bag, you leave them at the counter and get them when you leave. As they decided to head out, his female friend asked for her purse back.

And the dude said ‘no’.

Now, Mr. PJ didn’t stop to listen if there was a valid reason behind the ‘no’. As he later explains, for all he knew, there was a legitimate reason behind the ‘no’ and the dude was about to continue explaining something that made a lot of sense, but all Mr. PJ heard was ‘no’ and he didn’t like the fact they weren’t giving his female friend her purse back as she asked for it.

He grabbed the nearest item he could find, which happened to be a very large dildo, and smacked the man across the face with it, threw it down, grabbed the purse, and bolted.

He’s now banned from the store for life for it.

So I wonder, would that count as SEXUAL assault and battery, or just REGULAR assault and battery?

--Terah

Psycho Bitch Custy Throws Tantrum, Gets In Trouble With Her Own Boss

Hello, darlings! It's your Friendly Neighborhood Dev once again!

I saw the call for Christmas stories, and I had to share mine from the Porn Store! I worked there two Christmases, and my first was definitely the most memorable! I thought it would be dead on Christmas Eve. I was sure, 100% positive that I had dodged the retail bullet: the last minute gift shoppers. Boy, was I dead wrong...

Not only was the store busier than normal, so were the booths. I had regulars coming in left and right, along with people that were just buying last minute gifts for their significant other. I had one big sale after the next. The Store Manager had bought giant stockings, and the counter was filled with little "stocking stuffers." I had run out of stockings halfway through my shift! The sales that night were so good that I got the highest sales for the month because of that night alone, meaning I won the cash prize for the month of December.

My night was going swimmingly... until Bitchface walked in. Bitchface started bitching immediately because we didn't have carts, not even hand carts. It was a damned pornstore, and a smallish one at that. We were used to people just coming in, grabbing a few items, and leaving. So, she brought everything she wanted to the counter, one piece at a time, complaining each time she did it. All she was buying were gag gifts, which were all on the same section of the wall.

She started counting the loose dick straws, when she turns to me and screams, "There's only 45 here! I need 50!"

I turn, smile, and say, "I'm sorry, ma'am. If we only have 45, we only have 45 until next Thursday."

Muttering to herself, she picks up the box of cheap straws, and all the boxes of more expensive straws (they had a more realistic look to them, and were sold in packs instead of individually.) She puts them on the counter, goes back for a few more items, and then demands that I ring her up.

As I'm starting to ring her up, she turns to me, and says smugly, "You are going to ring those boxes of straws up as the cheap straws because you didn't have all the straws I needed."

Now, had it been one box, I would've done it (and not gotten in trouble for it.) Had I done all the boxes, I would've gotten fired for theft. I smile and tell her that I can, indeed, ring ONE box of the more expensive straws up, but not the five she had picked up.

She went BALLISTIC. Over a few packs of 3 dollar box of dick straws. She finally settles down, agrees to one box, when she spots the hand blown glass dildos in the case on the counter (ha, handblown dildos.) She immediately demands that I unlock it so that she can come behind the counter (um, no) and handle them all to see which one she likes best. I tell her I can't let her behind the counter, but I can hand her each one she wants to look at.

I hand her the first one she wants to look at, and she promptly drops it. It didn't break, fortunately, but she smiled and apologized for her butterfingers. I politely tried to assume it was an accident, even though something told me it wasn't. That's when she took the second one, and threw it against the floor, watching it shatter. I mean she threw it at the floor. She smiles at me, tells me to finish ringing her up, after I witnessed her throw a $300 dildo onto the floor. I cancelled the transaction.

One of my regulars, C, came in during the beginning of the tantrum. C works at a prominent Fortune 500 company, and is a big wig. He's also a boother. Staring at the woman, he says a name. Bitchface spins around, and she turns white as a ghost. As he explained to me later: he's her boss, the straws were for the Christmas party she was hosting that night that he was to attend. He pretended that he was there, solely to buy a "gift for the hostess" since he knew the party was X-rated. I, of course, played along, not revealing his secret.

"I watched you scream at that cashier," C said, with a stunned look on his face, "And I watched you intentionally smash that glass piece!"

"Sir," She said, her voice barely above a whisper, "I can explain..."

"No, you can't," C said, matter-of-factly. "Even if the cashier was treating you poorly, which I saw that she wasn't, you had no reason to smash that glass piece. You are lucky that it's Christmas and I won't fire you on the spot if you do what I tell you to do."

"What can I do?" She was crying now, and I could see her shoulders were shaking.

"You are going to apologize to the cashier, pay for your items, including the glass piece you broke. If you do not, this young lady will call the police and report it. You will walk out of here, and you will never return to this store again. Don't think you are completely off the hook, either. We will be having a discussion about how you act in public reflecting upon the company. Understood?" She nodded, tears pouring down her face. She apologized to me, paid for all of the straws and the glass piece. I was even still nice and gave her the discount I had offered earlier. It was Christmas Eve, after all.

When she walked out of the store, so did he. He told me later that he informed her that he was so mad that he didn't want to attend her party that night. In fact, he just wanted to chill out and look at the cute guys coming into the store (and there were indeed cute guys coming in.)

After they both left, the local delivery boy from the Chinese restaurant walks in with a big bag of food. All my favorites, actually. When I explained to him I didn't order, and I didn't have the money to pay him, he told me the order had already been paid for, including his tip!

When I asked who paid it, he looked at the receipt and said, "Mr. C." C was there so much, and so often, that he remembered what I ordered when I got Chinese for dinner/lunch. When he came in again, about an hour after the incident, he apologized for her behavior, and told me Merry Christmas before disappearing into the back.

May your Customers be full of Cheer instead of Piss and Vinegar,

--Dev <3

RHUer Shares A Few Adult Store Stories

Just found this site and happy to say that I am no longer in the retail business but, boy, while I was there, I gathered some stories!

I happened to work at an adult novelty shop chain (think: adult toys, lingerie, movies) and for those of you that have never worked at a shop like that... it sucks worse than regular retail. Not only do you get entitled custys, but we also had to deal with some of the most disgusting things while being paid bare minimum wage. A few examples: 

1. We usually had a sales competition going on in between the employees at any given point. BESIDES the fact that no one ever won anything, I usually pulled to the top sales week because, well, you find strange talents in strange places. Mine was selling plastic dicks.

There was a regular that would come in about every two weeks and buy about $600 worth of toys for him and his woman. I guess being nice to him (gotta get those sales!) made him think I was interested... because he started showing up, parking, and waiting until he made sure that I was working to come in. He started calling the store when I was working and then hanging up. Calling. Hanging up. Calling. Hanging up. My manager had warned him to stop or he would get banned. He finally got banned when he whipped out his cell phone for me to play 'identify this toy I saw online.' And it was him and his woman in a compromising position. Nothing quite like seeing a 300+ lbs good 'ole boy and his similarly large wife stark naked.
There is not enough eyebleach in the world.

2. We rented movies out and I'm sure I don't have to tell you the condition some of them came back in. Generally, we warned the customers that next time they would have to pay for the entirety of the movie if it came in with lube/etc. on it again. I have had people literally scream into my face that I must have put that there and that it was 'something in their pocket' when, uh, no, it was on the INSIDE of the case. Quit being disgusting and return your movie cleaned.

ATTENTION PREVIOUS CUSTYS: We did NOT put those months of late fees on your accounts. You literally did not return 'Big Booty Bitches 4' for all those months. It also makes you look like a jackass when you say you've returned the movie and scream at the underpaid porn shop worker that they must've lost it, then come back a week later and slam the movie down on the counter.

3. I can't tell you how many times people actually tried to return toys. You read that right. I have all kinds of excuses ranging from 'I don't like the color anymore.' when they've had it for 3 weeks to 'the beads aren't long enough to...'

Besides the fact that it's against federal law to return things that have been used... uhm, EWW. What the actual fuck? I can understand trying to return a lingerie top that doesn't fit you, but toys?? Also, it doesn't fool anyone when a customer buys a stack of movies and then takes it home, and then comes back in three hours to return them. I know that they copied the dvds. I'm not stupid.

4. There was a scam going around the last Christmas season that I worked which, I will admit, did get me. Customers come in, usually in a pair, pay for something small (or ask for change) and then, since our counter is unbelievably high, take the money in their hands where you can't see it, 'count it,' and say they were given the wrong change. 

The first time it worked on me. I was young and naive, what can I say? I gave them $10 because they said I only gave them a $10 when their change was a $20. Lo and behold, I was ten dollars short on my drawer that night. I got written up for it and trained on how to handle it next time.

Christmas Eve we were still open and they pulled into the snowy parking lot in their beat up pick up truck. This time they didn't even bother to turn off the truck! At first I didn't recognize them since the old man was the one that ripped me off to begin with, but this time he came with a man and a woman- both wearing similarly stained white t-shirts. I kept a close eye on all of them because we got a lot of thefts around the Christmas season. They all kind of just milled around for a bit, did not really look at anything just made a loop in the store- at which point the old man left to get into the truck and the other two approached my counter. They asked for change for (large amount) and I give it to them. They do the same thing the older gent did previously and take the money where I can't see it, and this time claim that I did not give them something like $40.

As per my manager's training, I tell the gentleman that I am sorry- that means that I will have to count my drawer and, if I am over my mark, I will give them their correct change.

The two look at each other and the man asks "Well how long will that take?"

I reply with, "5 minutes."

At this point they know they have been caught and he gets into my face screaming that they don't have that kind of time. He snatches his 'incorrect change' out of my hand, and launches a container of lube at my head screaming "MERRY F*CKIN CHRISTMAS" and they take off, peeling out of the parking lot.

I did count my drawer after they left; the drawer was even.

Thank you for reading! You guys keep your heads up, it does get better! I think that all my karma from being a retail slave must have paid off, because now I work for an awesome company.

--RHUer

A Horrible Thing Has Happened: The Just-In Beaver Sex Doll

Hello fellow RHU'ers! Arch Guy here with something that has to be seen to believe. I was looking at a Facebook post from one of my local radio station, and what is it I find? A Justin Bieber Sex Doll! When I saw this I literally think my brain shattered into 1 million tiny pieces.

 

From E Online:

Ever wanted a piece of Justin Bieber? An enterprising adult store now wants to make sure you get every last inch of him.

Naughty Beliebers, behold: the Justin Bieber blow-up sex doll!

Or, rather—cough, cough—it's the "Just-in Beaver Love Doll," which bears an uncanny resemblance to the pop star, minus his trademark tattoos and plus, well, a whole lot more.

Watch Justin Bieber's "Girlfriend" perfume teaser clip

The item, which is being hawked by Pipedream Products, retails for $26 and sports a box that proudly blares, "I'm not gay! (OK maybe a lil')" while imploring, "I wanna be your boy toy!"

On it, a bare-chested Biebs look-alike puts on his best come-hither look while rocking a cocked baseball cap.

The product's description itself defies any G-rated excerpting, but we can tell you that the manufacturer promises that the "Beave-ster doesn't have this effect just on women–he turns straight men gay faster than you can peel his skinny jeans off."

Biebs shows off his biceps

There you go: a product with broad market appeal.

We've reached out to Biebs' camp for comment, but you can bet the product won't stay on shelves for long: It comes from the same folks who created a similar Miley Cyrus-inspired sex doll, which was quickly, ahem, yanked.

via www.eonline.com

 

Mannequin For Condoms

  

Awesome Father's Day Present Suggestion

 

 

Cornbrator: Hot Seller or Markdown?

 

Bad Parent Encounter At Porn Store

From Your friendly neighborhood porn clerk:

well guys I have another story from my adult store of yet another parenting fail.

We had an angry father call us last night because his son used a fake ID to get into the store and purchase products.

Instead of being angry that his son, 1) had a fake ID number and 2), illegally went into our store, and number 3) purchased items he knew he was not legally supposed to purchase.

He was angry that we wouldn't let him return his purchases, and that we let him into the store.

If that was my kid I would have taken the ID, thrown away/destroyed his purchase so he's out the money and grounded his dumb-ass. We offered to call the cops if he wanted to have his son arrested for using a fake ID, but he didn't want to do that for some reason and hung up on us.

One other thing I have to add:

Why on earth do so many people think we would have a public bathroom in our store?

I've had so many people get upset at me when I tell them there is no bathroom. There is no way I'd be cleaning up or even using a public bathroom at a porn store without at least a 20 dollar raise. 

--Your friendly neighborhood porn clerk

Queer Geek's Sexy Adventure With a Video Store

Hey now RHU!

Thought I’d share another high-larious story from the retail world. With all the pornhacking going on in public places, I’d thought I’d share my X-rated mishap that happened to me many moons ago. Way back when Schlockbuster was the go to place for movie rentals, my BFF and I decided to hangout at her apartment for fun night of junk food and cheesy filmfests.

Now the kind of movies we rent are your typical low grade B-film schlock horror genres like Sleepaway Camp (spoiler: The killer is a tranny!), corny chickflicks, and of course, independent gay films which we all turn into our rendition of Mystery Science Theater 2000 making fun of the ridiculous images onscreen. Anyway, I wanted to point out the gay indie movies in particular which is an essential part of this story.

Before I begin, my BFF is awesome! She’s one of those women that supports the GLBT community so I was surprised to learn that she was in the minority that likes watching two guys together. In fact, she owns a collection of the American version of Queer as Folk. If you’re familiar with this series, then you know that it doesn’t shy away from anything including the sexy parts! Don’t ask me on the psychology why some women like gay erotica because I really don’t know!   

Back to what I was saying, BFF and I were at Schlockbuster picking up some movies and we decided to pick up this gay film called Latter Days. Now RHU, let me explain something. I’m really picky about GLBT films because some of them are just plain awful. Bad script. Bad direction. Bad actors. Bad story. Throw in a bunch of naked guys just for the titillation factor and you have a movie just ripe for parodying. Don’t get me wrong, there some good gay indie movies out there (Brokeback Mountain, Tipping the Velvet, Velvet Goldmine, Priscilla Queen of the Desert, Eastside Story) but for every good one there are always three crappy ones. (Vampire Boys, Hellbent, and anything made by David DeCouteau.)

Anway, we rented this gay flick called Latter Days. (Rehashed Plot: A coming out tale about a Mormon missionary who falls in love with a gay party boy leading to a conflict with his faith and sexuality as he struggles to find himself among the temptations of Los Angeles. Romance, self loathing, and aversion therapy ensures! What do you think is going to happen? Yada yada yada. Don’t you want to see it now?) Little did I know that I was in for a rude awakening.

We got to her apartment, popped in the DVD, and pressed play. Now the first warning signal would have been the label of the DVD. Some films have the the title printed on the disk. This one was blank. Not thinking anything was wrong, we watched the movie.

The opening scene takes place in an auto shop. Hunky auto mechanic is fixing his car and of course has to do it shirtless because we all know good looking mechanics need to fix the engine practically naked.

BFF: Oh look that mechanic is hot!

Me: He doesn’t do for me! Plus, he looks like he overtweezes his eyebrows. God, I hate that he makes me feel inferior with that six pack of his. I gotta hit the gym someday. Pass me the pizza box! *stuffs face with pepperoni* I guess this is suppose to be some cliche romantic comedy! *Groan*

Some skinny guy enters the scene stating he has a problem with his car and needs a tune up. Mechanic says he could tune him up for him. *Start cueing up porn music.*

Me: *not thinking anything is wrong* That has to be the dumbest pick up line I’ve heard. Who wrote this? Paris Hilton?

BFF: Shhhh...what are they doing?

Skinny guy and mechanic started ripping off their clothes and go at it in the garage. Hardcore stuff ensues.

Me: AAAAAH! What the fuck? What are they doing? My eyes! My eyes! It burns! It burns! *Starts to cover them but slightly takes a peek.* Ewwww, is that even sanitary? 

BFF: *rolling with laughter* We just got punk’d! Ouch! I didn’t know that position was even possible... We rented a gay porn movie! Hahhaha....

Sure enough we did. I’m sweating like a hooker in church shutting off the movie before I rush to the phone to call Schlockbuster. Already, I knew this is going to be an uncomfortable situation. Meanwhile, my BFF is hysterically laughing on the floor as I’m dialing.

Schlockbuster: Thank you for calling Schlockbuster, how can I help you?

Me: *feeling like I’m confessing to a priest* Hi, I know this is going to sound crazy but we were there earlier renting movies and I think somebody switched the DVD out of one them for another inside this case. (Forgive me Father for I have sinned many a time...)

Schlockbuster: I’m sorry that happened. What movie was it?

Me: Latter Days but the movie inside is not what it is suppose to be.

Schlockbuster: Well what was in it?

Me: Ummm...a porn movie. Not any regular porn movie mind you. A GAY porn movie.

A long pause at the end of the line. (I’m whispering some Hail Marys on the receiver.)

Me: Uhh...hello?

Schlockbuster: We’re sorry to hear that. It does happen sometimes. Just return it and we will replace the movie at no charge to you.

Me: Thanks. *meekly hangs up phone*

The next day I returned the contraband item at the counter in person which they kindly replaced for me but the whole time I was so embarrassed that I kept thinking that they thought I was some perverted freak holding a gay porn DVD. In truth, I prefer the perverted freak who gets off on leveling in online gaming. (Hah! Reached level 63 on World of Warcraft! Yes! Yes! Oh God! Yes! AAAAHHHHHH!) Yet in my neurotic mind, I can’t help but wonder what those Schlockbuster workers were thinking at that moment.

*Oh look its the gay porn guy! Hey gay porn guy, we just got a new movie in called Goodwill Humping! Might we suggest Pulp Friction? How about Star Whores: The Empire Whacks Back? Hey gay porn guy...MUHAHAHAHA!*

Needless to say, it took me a long time to show my face in there again.

--Queer Geek

 

Adult Store Stockwork Hell

 

 

Tales From Porn Store Hell

From Your Friendly Neighborhood Porn Clerk:

Ugh last night was the night of the wackdoos.

I work at an "adult shop", so we get some unique customers already, but last night truly stood out. The first thing happened while I was on break, apparently some women tried to return a vibrator because...

wait for it...

Tt didn't fit!

The best part?

She claimed it was unused.

She threw a fit when we refused to refund her. We have signs everywhere that say no refunds or exchanges on anything other than defective DVD's. It even says so on the receipt, but we all know how well custys read.

Now for the more disturbing and sad story.

There was a sketchy couple in the store. The female was originally in by herself but left to get the male who was in the car after a while to get his opinion on some stuff.

What stuck out to me was the male kept leaving the store every so often and coming back in. I was over by the door when he came back in one time and I heard the sound of a small child screaming outside.

Sometimes people will bring their kids with them and someone will stay in the car with them, or they will take turns in the store and this is fine, but I wanted to take a peek to make sure an adult was there with the kid.

I go outside and see a small toddler sitting in a car with the window open by herself. I really wish I had called the police on them looking back, instead of just making one of them go out there, but whats done is done.

Next time I'm just calling 911. This is not a safe area, people have gotten mugged and assaulted in our parking lot. Not to mention it's fucking winter outside.

--Your Friendly Neighborhood Porn Clerk

 

Thanksgiving At The Nudie Bar

Store Says NO to Thanksgiving Opening In Honor of Employees

Kudos to adult store Adam and Eve for posting this holiday hours notice in their stores. If only other companies saw it this way. If they weren't open, people would show up in mass on Friday. But stores staying open on Thanksgiving is nothing more than another example of competitive insanity caused by greedy machine-like corporations....and unfortunately, entitled discount rat custys with no life are buying into it.

 

 

 

Horny Skeleton Mannequins