Retail Hell Underground

RHU Academy Awards

Barista Custy Revenge Secret Revealed

From Just Jay:

For the life of me I will never understand why people think being a bastard to the persons making their consumables is a good idea.

Personally, my own insight into the reality of customer service and impeccable manners aside, I would never abuse the person with which I am entrusting to provide me with food and drink. That's just stupid.

And yet people do.

I recall one occasion when in a drive-thru with someone I didn't know very well, after they had finished making the most finicky demands in an inappropriately patronizing tone they turned to me and asked what I wanted to order.

I politely declined, stating that I wasn't hungry anymore.

Not hungry for a spit sandwich, at any rate.

Now, most hospitality workers I know would never do something as stupid as spit in someones order. But that doesn't mean we don't have our own methods for getting our own back on assholes.

For example, in a cafe I know, they have a container of coffee grounds for the trainee baristas to practice on. This coffee is top of the line and very expensive, so at first they get to play with this stuff so as not to waste that delicious liquid heaven...mmmmmm.

Where was I? Oh yes. The trainee coffee. It's usually the crap that ends up dusted all over the counters by the end of the day, they don't actually serve it to people.

UNLESS YOU ARE BEING AN ASSHOLE!
 
That's right, they have a reputation for being a high end coffee house, reflected especially in the prices of the beverages. And we all know what kind of bastards high end establishments attract. So tit for tat, I reckon.

The moral of this rant is: don't mess with your sustenance providers.

Especially if they're highly caffeinated.

Otherwise you may need to strain your beverage before drinking.
 
Peace,
 
Just Jay.
 

Cafe Crazy Lady

Coffee Slinger back again with more crusty idiocy to share.

But let me make one thing clear first: other than a few minor annoyances that occur, such as managerial drama or broken machines, I generally enjoy my cafe job and I like about 90% of my regulars.

This woman falls into that 10% of the i-want-to-remove-you-from-existence category.

Now I have a lot of groups that come into my cafe on a regular basis, some rowdier than others but they all will quiet down if I ask them nicely and have actually apologized to me for being disruptive.

The ironically worst offender for sudden bouts of noise is my American Sign Language group. By that I mean it's lots of hand signs and then a huge sudden roar of laughter. I mean like 30-45 minutes of quiet and then someone signs a joke. Not bad at all and they have gotten a lot better about it.

It was a Thursday night, they were in and it had been almost silent the entire night, no jokes today which was fine. I've nearly leaped out of my skin a time or two being caught off guard.

In comes the crusty in question that needs a serious head check. I call her the Crazy Lady, and you need the capital letters for her. In my 2 and 1/2 years there, she has never once ever actually bought something. It's always a cup of hot water and a cup of ice water. No idea why she needs both but I always smile and give her what she wants if only to get her away from me.

About an hour later, she comes up to me and asks if she can speak to a manager. The conversation went something like this:

Me: Is there something I can help you with?

CL: Yes, i need to talk to your manager please. It's about the group over there. *points to my ASL peeps*

Me: All right, let me get her for you. *pages manager over headset*

Manager Sandi: *arrives* What can I do for you?

CL: Can you get them *points again* to be a little quieter? I'm trying to read and they are just being really disruptive. And I'm having a hard time right now, and that woman *the lady that runs the lessons* is talking about her ex-husband and how he would beat her and I just can't stand to listen to this. *starts ranting*

MS: Well really there is nothing I can do other than ask them to be quiet. This is not a library and this is a public place. I can't make them leave

CL: *walks off muttering to herself*

WTF lady! Why are you listen to the conversation in the first place if it makes you uncomfortable? Why not just, I dunno, SIT SOMEWHERE ELSE?? DIDN'T THINK OF THAT DID YOU? I've got chairs all over this store and they are a hell of a lot more comfortable than the ones in cafe! Just move!

Ugh, I'll never understand people.

--Coffee Slinger

Barista Love From an Awesome Custy

From Dave:

I've been a pretty much daily customer at my local coffe shop-the one that loves green and has drinks with 20 syllables. 

Anyway, the baristas there have been great to me for about 5 years-I work nights and I *NEED* my daily venti black eye. 

They have it ready by the time I get to the counter, sometimes don't charge me for the espresso shots, they're friendly, I care about them, they seem worried that I'm OK if they don't see me for a few days, so I take care of them too. 

Decent daily tip, wipe off the counter if I spill something, and the tip cup gets a Ben on Christmas. 

Not all of us customers are dicks.

Barista's Custys Freeze Retail Hell Over

From The Coffee Slinger:

Long time reader and first time submitter here, but I just remembered this one and had to share.

I'm a Cafe Slave, one of those coffee-shop-inside-a-book-store deals and it's actually not a bad job at all compared to the last 2 I've held (movie theater slave and burger slave).

I consider myself well learned in the art of coffee, but more of what goes in each frou frou drink that my bosses come up with time and time again.

One winter holiday, we had an eggnog latte, that while not the best seller, it was still fairly popular, leading to a faster memorization of the recipe that would end up biting one of my coworkers in the bum. This story is from her.

A custy comes up, orders one, a medium decaf blahblahblah, pays and moves down the counter.

She went into the fridge to grab what ingredients she would need and started to measure out the eggnog.

"What are you doing?" says the crusty.

"Making your drink ma'am. Is there a problem?" says the coworker.

"Well yes, I'm allergic to eggnog."

"They why did you order an eggnog latte?"

I mean seriously, what is wrong with people? Why order something you can't have due to the likelihood of a severe allergic reaction?

Needless to say, this season I made a point to warn everyone that our eggnog latte is in fact made with real eggnog.

*                   *                     *

Well after digging through the archive to over a year ago, I was wondering if perhaps I can give back some hope for humanity?

After two years, the only hell that I deal with is CEO drivel and that we tend to work around anyway.

But the thing I  love is my regulars!

I have some many people that I know by face, drink and by name (in my shop we call our names when an order is up).

This holiday hell session I got no less that four 'gifts' from some of my favorite regulars.

Lynn -  $5 into my hand, not my tip jar so I "could give the government a little less and myself a little more."

John aka the muffin man - always gets a muffin, also dropped me a five and told me to hide it from the other barista's ;)

Gordan - set of blank note cards with envelopes.

Amy - a ten in my hand when I was busing tables, told me to put in my pocket and "Dont you dare try complain to me". (I always give her crap that she tips too much)

Sure only one was not money, but that they came out to gift myself and the other senior baristas as well really made my holiday pretty nice.

So there is some hope, no matter how small, for the human race. And apparently it lives in my little corner of northeastern Illinois. XD

Just call me the Coffee Slinger. ^^

  

Retail Lesson Learned: Niceness Kills

In light of Retail Drone #37's recent comment about a corporate retail doctor's nonsensical bullshit post that reads like a corporate blueprint for Retail Droid Assimilation, Former Retail Slave Barista, sounds off on the subject. We all try to be nice, but some times it can be dangerous:

Lesson Learned: Niceness Kills.

I am a Retail Slave currently in recovery. I've left it behind for school, but still wake up in cold sweats from traumatic nightmares.

One nightmare is about the one man I shouldn't have been nice to. I was a barista at a cafe in a bookstore. The customers were all terrible. They were either snobbish college students who looked down their noses at me or house wives who counted the calories in the bottled water while letting their children stick absolutely anything and everything in their filthy mouths.

But still, I always tried to keep a smile one my face.

A very strange thirty-ish man came up to me to order his coffee. As I rang him up, he looked at me intently and asked, "What is your philosophy on life?"

I told him I believe in karma, like any retail employee. (Honestly, the only way I get through some shifts is by remembering that crazy bitch who returned her coffee five times is going to get hers one day.)

He continued to ask me questions about my outlook on life, to which I smiled and gave short, cheery replies. I handed him his drink and expected he would be on his way. I was wrong.

For the next ten minutes he continued to ask me really inappropriate, personal questions. I tried to evade them or give vague, non-committal replies but there wasn't much I could do. There was no other employee in the cafe (although technically no one is ever supposed to work alone) and with no other customers around, I couldn't see an escape route. Finally, I faked a call on the walkie talkie so I could run away into the back room.

Of course, that was only the beginning.

The next day, a man started calling the store trying to find out when I would be working. Managers and employees refused to give him my schedule (thank god!) but the calls persisted. He would call several times a day, sometimes more than once an hour. He would ask to speak to me and if I wasn't there he would try to find out when my next shift was. He started coming around more often, but luckily not when I was at the store. My wonderful co-workers started to worry and so every night someone would walk me to my car to make sure he wasn't lurking around.

But then he got really crazy.

He came into the cafe on a day I wasn't in the store. The barista there, M, politely informed him I was not working that day and she could not say when I would be there. He lost his shit! He started screaming at her and threw his books to the floor. He SCREAMED that they were all conspiring to hide me from him.

He knew I was there and I wanted to see him. So he JUMPED OVER THE COUNTER and ran into the back room! There he surprised another barista, L, who promptly dropped about five sandwiches on the floor when she saw the crazed man in the stock room and started screaming at the top of her lungs. Around this point, he realized I really wasn't there and took off running.

I was now really scared, but our regional manager said we couldn't ban him because he bought too much merchandise. That's right. If you buy enough of a product, you are free to harass and possibly assault employees. Luckily, my much nicer store manager had a chat with the guy the next time he came in.

A very, very forceful chat that made sure I never had to see the guy again.

But I have learned my lesson.

Be surly! Be rude! Be mean! Be nasty!

Or else be harassed by some pathetic weirdo you shouldn't have smiled at.

 

Dumbass Coffee Customer Encounter

I was at the Lazy N, and was standing behind a customer at the E-bar, waiting to get a mocha. The customer initially ordered a tall latte. The barista marked up the cup and then said "$3.42 Please!"

The customer gawked and said HOW MUCH?

The barista repeated herself, and the customer counted her change, and the barista said "Would you rather have a smaller cup? It's less money?"

The customer stood there, clearly boggled, and wanted the prices repeated. So the barista obliges. Then the customer asked "Why are the prices different??"

The barista held up the cups and said 'well, one cup is bigger than the other, so...'

The customer then pointed to a cup and said "It's not fair there are different prices!!!" 

I wish you could see the look on the barista's face, I wanted to laugh, but I initially thought the customer was kidding.

(I think anyone who's worked with "the public" has shown that face before they developed their poker face a little better.)

When it was my turn, I told the barista I wanted a tall, but I wanted the universal price, she laughed and said "Nice Try!" I guess I go there too often??

Dianne Hansson

Coffee Shop Mom Customer Gets Told

We love to hear a good story where a Retail Slave takes down a foul-mouthed custy and this one is completely retailicious!

My name is Ratchet, I have a web comic - www.baristagirl.com - based on my life as a barista, as such a fair amount is about my disdain towards customers...anyhoo, I thought I'd share some of my retail hell!

I used to work at a coffee shop in The Mall of America in the tools
section of Sears...weird to begin with. As such we had 3 tables and 6
chairs saved for customers only. Sadly being positioned at a semi-main entrance we had a lot of people coming and going but the most important thing to remember was the fact that I had limited space and that all seats were for CUSTOMERS ONLY. We have giant signs up that say customers only, we have a rope with a sign on that telling people customers only...You get the idea. If you don't like there are plenty of other places to sit.

A woman and her daughter saunter up to one of my tables and with a labored sigh plop right down by our "mug tree". The daughter 8-11yrs old I'd wager was clanking the mugs, to the point I was sure she was going to break one of them. It had happened before. What can I say? Kids like breaking stuff.

I give mom's a bit of a break as I know its a full time job looking after your demon spawn in public but as more customers start approaching my counter I have to shuffle the 2 off to the outside seating.

ME: "Hi, can I get you guys anything? We have coffee, tea, the cheapest soda in the mall and a cup of milk is only a buck."

MOM:-----

ME: "Pardon me, but can I get you anything at all? It's just that my rushis coming up and I have to save these seats for customers...as it says on the sign that you're holding"

MOM: "Why don't you get another fucking hole in your face, bitch."

Me:----

Now there is protocol for such behavior, we call security for unruly types and I KNOW when to pick my battles. That day, was NOT today.

ME: "I don't think that's appropriate talk around your daughter ma'am"

This next line is VERBATIM what this woman said:

MOM: "Why don't you fuck off you fucking cunt."

This is what I like to call the "calm before the storm" I've had women change their babies diapers on those tables and throw them on the floor NEXT to the garbage can, I've had people with video cameras call me a racist...and I've smote them all, but no one calls me a cunt.

ME: (towards the girl) "I'm really really sorry if she's your mom or granny or kidnapper or whatever, but just remember never mess with "The help."

(mom in sights now)

"Listen here you interminable hag, I didn't fucking ask you! Now moooooove your fat ass out of my seat before you leave a stain! And if you sit on my patio I'll call the fucking cops you chide whore, I'm in charge here and I will fucking end you! Your setting a damn fine example for her and for gods sake when she grows up I hope she's nothin like you cuz I can guarandamntee that her generation of kids won't be so polite in the nursing home you nothing master!

MOM finally gets up giving me her best mean mug, only to suffer at the wrath of my Badtz-Maru style 1000 yard stare. I can peel the paint of a wall ;)

ME: "Thanks for choosing -------- have a lovely day!"

Way to go Ratchet! That nasty bitch needed to be taken down - so sad she talks like that in front of her daughter. We hereby bequeath you with the coveted Retail Balls Award. You stood up to this awful custy with tact and wit and you made Carolanne proud!

Everyone be sure to check out Ratchet's retailicious coffee blog! www.baristagirl.com  A webcomic by Rachael "Ratchet" Johnson that updates mon and fri. Misery loves coffee!

Customer Creates Garbage Can

Foamy The Squirrel

Sent in from RHU Blogger Spritzy, who writes:
Oh. My. Freakin. Galoshes. This is SO so true! I love this squirrel. Fuck the endless barage of questions that are required to be asked at checkouts!

The Customer is Always

R-Rude

I-Ignorant

G-Greedy

H-Heartless

T-Tightassed

Here's another Foamy we thought was funny as well: