Retail Hell Underground

Pyscho Bitch Custy Tale 2-Fer From The Bowels of Office Supply Hell

Hello RHU, I’m back!

I’ve been at office supply hell for awhile now, trying to decide on how I feel about it. When I first began there, I hated it. Truly hated it. Nothing was explained to me, I had to figure everything out by bumbling along, and all of my co-workers terrified me. I was already scouring the papers for a new job.

I’m relieved to say it did get a little better. Eventually my co-workers and I warmed up to each other. (The one I found most terrifying has turned out to be my favorite of all the managers!) I dug out a place for myself and I guess I made a good impression, because I was made Employee of the Month three months after starting. I stopped searching for a new job…at least for now.

I don’t love it, and I always get that “Ugh, not again” feeling in my gut before I go to work, but it’s bearable. I think I was hired to join the tech crew, but upon learning that being on the tech crew meant my job performance would be based entirely on how many add-ons I could sell (and that every day I’d have to deal with pissed off people blaming me for their computers not working) I was all: fuck that shit. Time for evasive maneuvers! Immediately I moved into the copy center and made it my goal to become so good at copy center work that they wouldn’t dare move me. It worked. ;)

The downside, of course, is the customers. People shopping at Office Ghetto are far bitchier than people who shopped at Hoarders. Gather ‘round, and I will tell the tales of the two psycho bitches…

1. Crazy Zip Drive Bitch

appears one evening when I was still fairly new. I’m the only person in the copy center when I see her lurking nearby. She doesn’t stand, she lurks. She doesn’t walk, she creeps. And when she’s across the counter from you, she leans over it like some kind of creepy vulture crone and stares at you. That should have been enough warning, but I like to give the benefit of the doubt, and so cheerfully greet her.

She’s holding a zip drive and tells me she wants something printed. I say okay, and hold out my hand for the zip drive, which she then pulls away from me. …Um, that’s gonna make it kind of hard to print off it?

I finally get her to hand it over and pop it into our computer, which, as most corporate computers do, does not run basic Windows. It’s got its own OG system that runs all our company programs. As such, there’s no “My Computer” option, and no little button in the bottom right corner to “safely eject your device.” You plug crap in and pull it out at will. No mamby-pamby safe ejecting here!

I get her stuff printed and pull her zip drive out. And Crazy Zip Drive Bitch goes batshit.

*GAAAAASP* “HOW DARE YOU. YOU NEVER JUST PULL OUT A ZIP DRIVE! DO YOU REALIZE HOW DANGEROUS THAT IS? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH DATA I HAVE ON THERE? DO YOU?”

Me: “Sorry…?” (Thinking: Uh, it’s a little too late now? Besides, there’s no other way?)

Crazy Zip Drive Bitch: “YOU NEVER JUST YANK IT OUT LIKE THAT. NEVER! THAT IS THE WORST THING TO DO.” *glares at me*

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am.” (There’s no other way to take it out! WTF! This isn’t Windows! I want to explain this rationally to her, but I’m starting to freak out because she’s literally backed me into the corner between the counter and paper shredder and is up in my face shouting. All my verbal coherency is gone.)

Crazy Zip Drive Bitch: “SORRY ISN’T GOOD ENOUGH! I NEED TO MAKE SURE MY FILES ARE OKAY!”

Me: *shaking at this point* “Fine then, plug it back in and check.”

She plugs it back in. Of course all her files are there and are just fine. She looks at me and goes, “Okay, now eject it.”

Me: “I can’t.”

Crazy Zip Drive Bitch: *waving hands* *demanding* “You just need to eject it! Go to ‘my computer’ and eject it!”

Me: “I CAN’T. THIS ISN’T WINDOWS.”

Finally I call my manager over, who tells CZDB that this is a server computer and that it’s safe to just yank the zip drive out. Crazy isn’t happy, and mutters about it throughout the transaction. At this point I’m not smiling or helpful anymore. I’m just gritting my teeth and am trying to stay calm. But the last straw was when Crazy Zip Drive Bitch looks at me and snits, “Well I guess we both learned something today.”

Me: *says nothing* *shakes harder* (thinking: BITCH I DIDN’T LEARN SHIT, I ALREADY KNEW IT WAS SAFE TO TAKE THE FUCKING ZIP DRIVE OUT. FUCK YOU.)

And look, as a writer, I GET how protective people are of their drives. I guard my zip drive with all my writing on it like a child. But if she’s that psycho about it, she shouldn’t be taking her high-stakes drive to public shops!

2. The Poster Bitch

I stumbled into this situation by virtue of coming to work. When I walked in, I found Posterbitch interrogating one of my co-workers who doesn’t even work in the copy center. She wanted a poster for her dog training business printed and she wanted it resized for a bulletin board. No big deal, right? Or it wouldn’t be, if not for three facts about computers:

1. The size something is on your computer screen isn’t the size it will print out.

2. Computers and printers use two different color formats. (And your screen settings will always alter the colors you see on your computer screen. Your printer isn’t going to adjust to your screen settings.)

3.  Every single printer in the world will NOT print with the exact same saturation and hue. They will always vary. 

This lead to me printing up ten different copies and half an hour of, “I don’t understand why it won’t print the way I want it! Why won’t it print? I want it to be proportionate! DO YOU KNOW WHAT PROPORTION IS? It’s a mathematical equation. Why won’t it print these colors? I just want it these colors and this size! I’m not happy! Why won’t it print just like this?!”

My attempts at explaining the truth about the above three facts goes unheard. She keeps demanding that I somehow magically make exactly what she sees on her computer screen print out. I try to explain that this is physically impossible. I try to show her the rulers on the sides of the Word program that show exactly big the picture will be on a sheet of paper. She just holds a ruler up to the laptop screen to measure the picture and bitches at me, “This isn’t the size I want!” While all this is happening, I’m supposed to be making name badges for a customer who will arrive in a half hour to pick them up. I’m watching the time tick down while Posterbitch harangues me about why our printer prints out her poster in a different hue than what she sees on her laptop screen.

Eventually she declared herself late for an appointment and left. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief.

Try to stay sane, everybody!

--BookAce

A Goodbye To Borders: Fond Memories of A First Job and Treasured Coworkers

From Bookace:

Tomorrow, on September the 13^th 2011, my Borders store will close for good.

Of course there were days I dreaded going to work and wanted to pull my hair out, punch every customer in the face and do nothing but go to sleep in a ball in the back room. Those were the days I told most people about. Today, just once, I want to write a tribute to the good memories.

Borders was my first retail job. I had many fond memories of the store long before I worked there. My mom and I would stop by every month after orthodontist visits and I would spend all my money on manga and books. The early teen years being turbulent at best for most of us, these trips to Borders were one thing that I could always look forward to. This carried on for years. I cried when a hurricane flooded the store several years back and I happened to drive by right afterward, when they were throwing the ruined books out. Luckily, they reopened and carried on.

I began working there over two years ago. A terrified, shy little newbie who was stricken with anxiety on the best of days. On my first day, upon hearing I was new and just learning the register, a woman smiled at me and told me not to worry, that I was doing a great job. I have no idea who she was. She probably doesn’t remember me, but I definitely remember her.

But my coworkers were the real treasure. They were what made the job worth it all that time.

There was LiteraryGuy who was by far my favorite, he was so sweet and funny and made me feel welcome right away. He was the kind of person who feels like a friend from the day you meet him. I always looked forward to working with him.

There was PoliticalChick who was rather chilly and guarded with me at first (whereas she was always joking and chatting with the other employees) up until one day when we were sorting inventory together and I commented in passing about my opinion as a lesbian on the topic we were discussing, and for some reason after that day she began talking to me like she talked to the others. I loved to make fun of romance titles and fangirl about Harry Potter with her.

There was ApathyStoner who could be amusing and infuriating to work with at the same time. He did barely any work and tended to be a jerk sometimes, but at the same time he loved animals and would have very excited conversations about the most esoteric of subjects. He was also the person who told IdiotBoss to hire me.

There was SurferBoy who I would hang out with behind the counter and we would squeal about kittens and Harry Potter and baby animal pictures in magazines together, there was PhotoGirl who liked to trade war stories of life in retail (she had some great tales) and then there was RomanceWhore who was always up for making dirty jokes and making fun of Twilight together. Sure I had a few horrible co-workers (PrissyJerkass and IdiotBoss were two. One of my crowning moments of awesome was taking down PrissyJerkass during an argument.) but making fun of the bad ones with my cool co-workers was absolutely worth it.

Even when Borders is long gone, I’ll remember sorting books in the stockroom and stopping to read the backs of each one so it took me forever to finish.

I’ll remember bitching with my co-workers about our boss and corporate.

I’ll remember playing Find-The-Worst-Romance-Title. (The Playboy Sheik’s Virgin Stablegirl will always be my personal favorite.)

I’ll remember the time I sold a book to a wanted murderer who was on the run from the police.

I’ll remember the day I had to go in back and punch boxes because a customer made me so mad, to the day that a customer came in with Christmas cards for all of us.

I’ll remember PoliticalChick screaming across the store to change the CD whenever a Miley Cyrus song would come on and RomanceWhore making me laugh until I cried from her jokes and LiteraryGuy and I talking about writing and favorite books for hours.

And I’ll remember discovering a very funny book called Retail Hell, which led me to a website full of awesome people I’m proud to claim a place among. ;)

Farewell Borders. You gave me my first step to going from student to working adult. You helped me learn to put anxiety aside, helped me to appreciate what working people go through, and introduced me to a lot of people I may never speak to again, but will always remember with a fond laugh. As far as first jobs go, for all my bitching, I was pretty lucky.

--BookAce

 

Cashier Hell: Custy In Line Still Complains After Being Offered Help

At least I finally had a chance to make my new BookAce logo. ;)

Here with a quick story today.

The setting: Liquidation hell, the early days.

Hours had been slashed at this point, so there were only two of us there at the time, me and my manager. (Formerly the assistant manager, who was promoted to manager when our original GM jumped ship. New manager is awesome.) There’s a small line of two custys, one of whom I’m ringing up. The fellow I’m ringing up has a large amount of books, so it’s taking a few minutes.

The second person in line, an older woman, is looking irritable. She’s only been waiting a few minutes, but her impatience is obvious. My manager is working on the computer beside me, and notices her expression, as I’m ringing up the last three books of the gentleman I’m helping.

Manager: *moves to the second register and motions to the woman I shall refer to from here on as Random Bitch* “I can take you over here.”

RB: “No, she’s just about done ringing this man up.”

Manager: “…Okay.” *goes back to his paperwork*

I ring out the gentleman, he leaves, RB gives me her books, I ring them up, and all is well. Except as soon as I ring her out, RB lives up to her name. She takes one step over to where a friend of hers was apparently waiting, and says, pointedly loud enough for us to hear:

“Don’t you just hate it when you’re waiting and waiting in line and they won’t open a register, but as soon as it’s almost your turn they finally decide to open one? I mean, ugh!”

WTF. BITCH, MY MANAGER OPENED A REGISTER JUST FOR YOU AND YOU SAID NO TO IT. WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT!

And the dance goes on...

--BookAce

Funny and Awesome Customer Tales Remembered By Borders Slave

From BookAce:

I know, back again so soon? Yes, with some partial good news!

Preparing for Hoarders eventual collapse, I'd been sending out resumes for awhile. One of them paid off and I’m starting work as a slave for a new store next week. I’ll call it Office Hellpot since I’m not sure if this particular office supply company has a nickname yet. On one hand I’m very relieved and thankful to have a job to transition to when Hoarders finally bites the dust, on the other I’m very nervous about the new place.

I wonder how I’ll manage under the new rules and without my retail family I’ve come to love at Hoarders. Here's hoping it goes well. (I'll be keeping the name of BookAce because I'm still a writer, lover of books, and very much ace no matter where I work.)

I’ve told a lot of crazy or bitchy or clueless custy stories before and I’m sure I’m destined to tell many more. But today, I thought I’d share some of my funnier/happier stories from Hoarders for a change.

Customer 1: The guy who promoted me to queen

A couple days before Halloween, a guy and his friend come up to buy some computer magazines. The guy looks at me and goes, "Do you like Halloween?"

Me: "The movie or the holiday?"

Guy: "The holiday."

Me: "Sure, I love it."

Guy: "Do you like dressing up and wearing costumes for it?"

Me: "Erm...why do you ask?"

Guy: "I think you look like you're a Halloween queen!"

Me: "..."

Guy: "No, don't be offended, I meant that as a compliment! You look like a queen of Halloween."

Me: "...Thanks?"

I guess it was a compliment? xD I wasn’t dressed crazy or anything. Honestly, after I got over the surprise, the whole thing really made my day.

*    *    *    *

Customer 2: Crazy Laser Dude

I notice a guy walking around with a tiny laser-light pointer thing on a keychain. He sort of covertly shoots it toward the desk every now and then. I whatever it since it’s not bothering me. Eventually the guy comes up with a book and is just randomly pointing the laser at me. I decide to ignore it. Acting like there's nothing unusual at all about him I ask if he wants a bag.

Guy: "No, but I could use a recipe."

Me: (Thinking: What?!) *ignores it and finishes up transaction*

Guy: "Do you need one?" *points laser at me*

Me: "Um...no...?" (I have no idea what he's talking about. No seemed like a safe answer.)

Guy: "You sure?"

Me: "Oh...I'm positive."

Guy: “Oh.” *keeps pointing the laser at me until he looks down and notices the big red laser from my scanner gun resting in its cradle* *turning his laser off, wide-eyed* “Where is this one coming from?!”

Me: *points to the scanner*

The guy looks at the big scanner, back at his tiny laser, and I swear, this disappointed look comes over his face. He pockets his laser sadly and leaves. I nearly laughed my ass off. I guess he wasn’t counting on coming across a laser bigger than this.

*    *    *    *

Customer 3: The Christmas Eve Witch Hunter.

It’s morning on Christmas Eve. Most of the customers have been polite, if in a hurry. We employees are hanging out at the counter shooting the breeze when this crazy dude comes up. You could see the crazy in his eyes. He’s muttering under his breath and glaring at me and saying something about witches and stealing his money. (I wasn’t listening much at this point.)  

I ring him up and he seems slightly more normal during the transaction. I finish up, hand him his book and wish him a good day. In return, he snarls at me, “EVER HEARD OF A WASHING MACHINE, WITCH?” and walks off.

Me: …Wut?

Co-workers: O.o

It kind of unsettled me at first. (Am I dirty? Do I look scruffy? These are all clean clothes! What? D=) But my co-workers all joined in making jokes and soon I was laughing about the whole thing. Plus, one of them quoted The Princess Bride at me (“I’m not a witch, I’m your wife!”) and nobody can be upset when Princess Bride quotes are being used.

*    *    *    *

Customer 4: Kids are cute sometime.

A mom and her son (who was maybe two or three years old) were standing by the display of toys. The boy has an armful of toys and I’m bracing myself for the hellspawn screech kids usually give when told they can’t have all the toys they collected.

Mom: “We’re going to get one toy, okay? Pick which one you like best and we’re going to put the rest away.”

Little boy: *looks at his armful of toys, and looks at his mom and says, polite as can be* “No thank you!”

We all cracked up laughing. The kid was surprisingly well-behaved and after a bit of coaxing and distracting, chose a toy without any of the screaming that we’re used to.

*    *    *    *

Customer 5: Angelspawn is an awesome customer.

A girl (maybe 11 or so) came up with her mom carrying a book.

I braced myself for a hellspawn or an apathetic brat. To my shock, the girl sets the book down and says with this sunny smile, “I’m getting a present for my friend and I was wondering if you could check if this is the first book in the series, please.”

Me: *delighted* “Sure!”

Girl: “Thank you!”

She and her mom chatted about the friend’s birthday party while I checked the computer, which was freezing up on me. I apologized for taking so long to check, and the girl and her mom were totally patient.

I finally discerned that the book was actually the first TWO in the series compiled into one volume. I explained this and the girl and her mom thanked me and went off to look for more stuff. They checked out ten minutes later and again the girl thanked me for looking up the book for her.

When I thanked them for their patronage the girl smiled and told me, (without any coaching from her mom) “You’re welcome, have a good day!” I didn’t know whether to faint in shock or thank her mother for raising an awesome kid.

It honestly made my entire day to be treated so nicely – by someone who wasn’t even out of grade school yet!

Sometimes I’d complain so much about the customers that people seemed to wonder why I never said I hated my job. Times like those were the reasons why.

--BookAce

 

Reporting Live From Borders Liquidation Hell: 11 Questions Custys Are Asking

BookAce here, reporting live from Hoarders liquidation.

To be honest, part of me is enjoying the liquidation. We don’t have to ask for Rewards cards, we don’t have to upsell shit, we don’t have to collect for a bookdrive, we don't have to do anything except ring people up and help them find things. (And we don't even have to do the latter if we don't want to! I do just because I honestly like finding books for people.) We can even tell a customer to GTFO if we don’t have what they want, rather than have to bow to their demands! Yay! Plus we’ve been super busy, and time always goes by faster when it’s busy.

The other part of me wants to start gnawing on customers’ brainstems. I can’t even begin to count how many times I’ve answered the following questions:

“When are you closing for good?” – We don’t know.

“Can I get a price check on this?” – It’s 20% off, look at the sheet of price changes right in front of you.

“Is this sticker the sale price?” – Honey, do you really think they would print up individualized sale price stickers for every single book when the sales change every week?

"It's so sad, where will we buy all our books after this?" - I don't know, where will the 11,000 soon-to-be-jobless employees get their paychecks after this? (Admittedly I'm not usually snarky about this one -- I'm just as sad about no longer having a bookstore. I don't like waiting for books to arrive by mail either. xD)

“Is this on sale?” – Everything is on sale at least 20%.

“How much percent is this off?” – I just said 20%.

“Are calendars on sale?” – Yes.

“How about--” – YES EVERYTHING IS ON SALE AT LEAST 20%.

“When is everything going to 50%?” – I don’t know, and like I’d tell you if I did?

“Is the sale seriously only 20%?” – Yes, I’m sorry our carcass isn’t rotted enough for you yet.

“I want you to ring up each of these fifty books I’ve carried up and tell me the price so I can decide which I want and which I don’t.” – And I want to punch you in the face.

We’ve made a dozen or so signs answering all the FAQs and hung them around the registers. When that didn’t work, we re-made the signs to be bold and used highlighters on them. When that didn’t work, we made giant arrows and colored them in with Sharpies and taped them pointing to the signs. If you guessed that even those didn’t work, you get a cookie.

I've become so preconditioned to nobody noticing them that yesterday I asked a man standing beside the register twice if he needed help, and finally he had to tell me he didn’t, he was just reading our FAQs sign. I was stunned. It never even occurred to me that he might actually be reading it.

And now for a couple tales…

#1: This is a fairly common scene:

Custy: “So everything’s 40% off, right?”

Me: “No, everything is 20%.”

Custy: “Your signs say 40!”

Me: “Um, our signs all say 20 – 40.”

Custy: *huffs* “Oh, that’s how you trick us.” *grumbles away*

Me: “Yes, of course, I trick you into thinking everything is 40% by putting up a sign where the 20 is written the exact same size as the 40. I am such a devil.” =|

#2: This one happened to a co-worker:

Custy: *stomps up* “Where are the 25 cent books?”

Co-worker (I’ll call her J): “Um, we don’t have any.”

Custy: “Yes you do! My friend said you have 25 cent books!”

J: “Could your friend have meant 20 percent books?”

Custy: “NO! He said 25 cent!”

J: “I’m sorry, we don’t have anything that cheap.”

Custy: *stomps a few feet away and points to a table* “Are these 25 cents?”

J: “No.”

Custy: “How much are they?”

J: “They’re 20% off the sticker price.”

Custy: “Well what kind of a deal is that?!”

J: *walks away*

#3: This one just makes me snicker.

An older woman with a heavy accent comes up with a book in a bag and says, “I bought this here the other day and it is just so boring, I can’t stand it. It's terrible. Can I exchange it?”

Unfortunately for her, she thought she bought it the day after we started our liquidation sales, which means all sales are final. Just to be sure, I checked her receipt and sure enough, all sales final was written right on it. She was disappointed, but accepted it politely and thanked me for the help.

All the while, I was trying not to laugh. Why? Because the utterly insufferable, boring book she bought was none other than Bristol Palin’s book. Frankly, anyone who buys that deserves what they get…

Stay cool y'all. And come in and stock up on books; at least we know you guys will read the signs!

--BookAce

 

RHU Falsely Blocked As Porno By a Few Companies With Dumbass Internet Police

From Book Ace:

Hey RHU, guess what?

Apparently you’re all a bunch of pornographers! According to Hoarders, anyway.

See, we finally figured out how to get around the internet block at work and get to Google, which of course places the whole of the interwebs at our disposal. We found out while puttering around that certain sites were blocked by a second filter (it won’t let us get on any blogging sites like LJ or Facebook) and that other sites apparently had content blocks. (We couldn’t read certain CNN articles due to the headlines having key words in them.)

Anyway, while on the computer one day I thought that I would like very much to read some RHU articles. Why not try, right? So I mosey over to the website, and find the content blocker warning. I kind of shrugged to myself and figured, okay, the site was probably blocked for all the swearing we do here, but then I noticed the reason listed.

Blocked for pornographic content.

Not for swearing, not for violence, not even for adult humor, but for porn. So…is there an RHU: After Dark or something hidden on this site that I don’t know about? xD

I’ll send along some more stories soon. Hoarders recently crossed a moral event horizon when it comes to being cheap-asses, and I’m sure once the custys start realizing it I shall have some exciting tales. I only hope that they will all include custies yelling at my spineless boss and not at me.

Be excellent, everyone!

--BookAce

Note from Freddy:

Yep, I remember someone telling me about the porno blocking a couple of years ago, I can't remember which company. Might have been The Big Fancy (This would be pre-Retail Hell the book). Several companies with automated block systems can call many blogs porno and they don't update their restrictions often either. And with "hell" being in the title and the fact that we aren't shy about our fucks, dicks, and cunts, their word sensors probably exploded.

Some corps will allow you to report that a site is not porno or malicious and they'll lift the block. Of course, obviously there are those companies, like The Big Fancy, who block RHU for the RIGHT reasons - and that warms my weepy gay heart <3!

And I LOVE the sound of RHU After Dark....hmmmm...what do you think that could involve RHUers? Jason is starting to pant...

As for any imaginary porno, there is only one group on RHU that I can blame, and that would be those nasty, nasty slutty mannequins...surely this is all their fault!

 

 

 

 

 

  

Click here to see his manni-cock.

 

 

BookAce Has Question For Hoarders Slaves

From Bookace:

I've got some new stories to send in soon, but today I just want to pose a question to any current or former (or soon to be former) employee of Hoarders. And this is the only place I can think of to contact you guys.

See, a co-worker of mine has this spiel he's been using when pitching our Rewards Plus cards. Our store is located in a little hick town and is too small to have a cafe. He claims that if you walk into any Hoarders with a cafe and tell them, "I'm a Plus member," they'll give you free coffee. I read the flier and pointed out specifically to him that it says members only get a free coffee AFTER buying five cups. He in turn said that he's been told by the manager that "the first time" someone walks into a Hoarders Cafe and says they're a Plus member, they'll give them free coffee. I expressed concern that it might not be that way (Sounds too fishy. How would anyone know that it's the first time you've come in?) and that someone would get in trouble for saying it and he said he'd try to keep it out of his pitch from now on.

What our manager said still bugs me, though. I know our manager has lied to customers about other things. And the whole thing rubs me the wrong way because I can just imagine someone getting the card from us, going to a Hoarders with a cafe, asking for their free coffee, and pitching a fit when the coffee slave says they don't get a free cup until their sixth purchase.

I don't want to think of anyone as a liar without proof, however. I wouldn't even mind being proven wrong. So I'm curious, is this true? Do your cafes give free coffee to any Plus member who walks in and announces it? Can anyone here weigh in?

--BookAce

Book Store Invaded By Crazy Customers

From BookAce:

It's been assholes to the left of me and vultures to the right this week, man. And it's not just me! My sweet-as-sugar co-worker who nobody could hate, he's that nice, has had two different customers scream at him in the last couple days!

By now everyone's heard about Hoarders melting down. My store did not close, afflicting me with a mix of relief and survivor's guilt. The vultures and discount rats began gathering days ago.

Are you closing? Is everything on clearance? Is everything free because you're closing? Why isn’t this on sale? Can I just steal shit since you’re closing anyway? No way will I buy one of those crappy Plus cards or e-readers, you won’t be around in a year.

The day before the big announcement I asked a man to take one of our free cards. FREE. And he says to me, “I dunno, let’s wait and see how your stock does. HAHAHA.”

Me: …=| “It’s free. It doesn’t matter what our stock does.”

Guy: “I…I know, I was just…”

Me: B|

It wasn't funny then when I was thinking my paycheck was on the line, and it's not funny now after knowing people personally affected here. (He noticed I was not amused and left quietly.)

Then later, an old man came up and slapped a book down. It’s a hardcover, 40% off for Plus members, 30% off for everyone else.

Old man: “I’ll buy this if you give me the 40% off.”

Me: “Are you a Plus member?”

Old man: “I was a member a long time ago.”

(We started up this Plus program last fall. Yeah…a long time ago. Sure.)

Me: “If you’re not a Plus member, it’s 30%.” (Still a good deal, honestly.)

Old man: *long stare*

Me: *GTFO stare*

Old man: “Fine.” *stomps off*

THIS IS NOT A FUCKING FLEA MARKET. And I'm not haggling just because you think we're desperate enough to be pushed around. At least use "please." It's not that hard!

Then today it was time for the usual dicks to gang up. First came generic asshole guy. Throws the greeting card he's buying at me along with his credit card and gives nothing but monosyllabic answers. The guy's pretty high up in police rankings, believe me, I'm sure he's capable of using a full sentence and maybe even "thank you."

Then came Bible thumper guy. After I muttered under my breath about hating the people who put the stickers on books, (because they put two different priced stickers on said book and I was like, "WTF?") the guy goes, "Hey!" He holds the Bible out at me and stares at me long and hard, pointing at it.

Me: *puzzled stare back*

Guy: "It's not good to hate." *walks away*

I wanted to tell him that if everything in the Bible is true, the head dude upstairs surely has a number of more pressing issues with me than my annoyance at the sticker people.

Then not even a half hour later comes condescending change guy.

I'm not good at math. Disorder-level not good. And I'm not ashamed to pull out a calculator when someone pulls the whole, "I have change!" just as I open the till (ignoring that I always wait for them to offer change beforehand...) because I don't want to shortchange them or be shortchanged. This guy has the change once the till is open. I ask my co-worker quickly what the even-dollar value should be because she's a whiz and she gives me the answer. The guy harumphs at me and goes, "That's so simple, you need to ask her for that? And they've got you running the register? Geez."

Then I got so flustered apologizing for my bad math skills that I forgot the answer my co-worker gave me and had to ask her again, my face burning at this point, while the guy huffs and puffs and rolls his eyes.

Thanks a lot, jerkass.

Not long after that came a discount rat, asking what the sale price on everything was. Turns out she thought we were closing. After I corrected her she shut up about things that weren't on sale, but she still kept pulling that move where custies lean over the counter and ask after every item, "That was on sale, right?" ARGH.

Got a three-day weekend though. Gonna head up to the gun range this weekend and use one of those silhouette targets. "What's that bitch? Did I just hear you say 'everything should be free LOL!' because thousands of people losing their jobs is funny? And you don't want a member card? And oh, you're too busy gabbing on your phone about your hook-up last night to thank me after I fetched books for you for an hour, but you're NOT too busy to interrogate me about the price of every item? Well, meet my little friend..."

--BookAce

Book Store Hell: Crazy Lady Calling

From BookAce:

Hey RHU! I hope you all survived the holiday insanity!

As I’ve said before, customers like to talk to me. And I let them. I can’t help it. It doesn’t help that the writer in me often nags at me not to walk away, lest something interesting should happen in the conversation. Sadly, it rarely does and I’m stuck with a boring old bloodsucker customer.

Just before Christmas one called the store. In our store, the phone is right beside the tills and the only computer that we can look up inventory on.

Me: “Thank you for calling Hoarders, this is BookAce, how may I help you?”

Woman: “Hi BookFace, do you have fitness books?” (Yeah, she got my name wrong. Unfortunately I let it slide because she seemed elderly and there was no reason to argue my name...had I known how long the conversation would go on, I would have corrected her. =/)

Me: “Yes we do!”

Woman: “Can you look up some titles for me?”

I always groan inwardly when customers use plurals over the phone, but it was a slow day and a co-worker was at the till, so I was all, “Okay, sure.”

The first book she wanted was called “Call Me Miss Shapely Legs.” Bit of an odd title, but whatever, I’ve seen odder. Our conversation went like this:

Woman: *gives me the title* “Now BookFace, please repeat that back to me so I know you have it right.”

Me: *repeats it*

Woman: “You’re not speaking directly into the phone. Repeat it again please.”

Me: *repeats it again* (At this point still feeling sympathetic, thinking the woman is hard of hearing.)

Nothing comes up in inventory.

Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, nothing comes up for it.”

Woman: “Really? Nothing? Why is that?”

Me: (Because our computer hates you? I don’t know! I hate this question! I don’t choose what books we list!) “…Because we can’t get it in. It might be an older book, or out of print.”

Woman: “That’s too bad, I can’t believe you can’t get it!”

Me: “I’m sorry.”

Woman: “I think it’s by an author with a last name that starts with C…or K?”

Me: *getting frustrated* “I’d need the author’s whole name. Did you have other books you wanted?”

Woman: “Oh, yes! The next book is We Made Love Now I Have to Kill You.”

I dutifully type this in. As I do, the woman pipes up again,

“BookFace, repeat that back to me so I know you have it right.”

Me: *says it back quietly, as there’s a line of customers standing right there and I feel somewhat embarrassed saying this into the phone – talk about something that can be taken out of context!*

Woman: “I can’t hear you, speak up and repeat it again.”

Me: *repeats it more clearly*

Woman: “I still can’t hear you, BookFace.”

Me: *practically shouts the title into the phone*

Customers at the counter: *all stare at me and snicker*

Me: *blushes miserably*

Lo and behold, this book doesn’t come up either. We go through the ENTIRE “I don’t believe you don’t have it! - Well if it’s old or out of print blah blah blah” conversation again.

She asks me to look up a couple different authors, only one of which actually shows up (and yes, for EVERY author whose name doesn’t come up, I once again get an earful about how shocking it is that we don’t have it.) Finally one author comes up! But as the producer of fitness DVDs, which of course we don’t carry. Add on another five minutes of:

“I see them in the computer, but they’re fitness movies, and we’d have to order them.”

“Oh, I’m so glad you have ____’s books!”

“Ma’am, I told you, we don’t have them.”

“But they’re in the computer!”

“No, the computer is showing that we can ORDER them. And they’re DVDs.”

“Oh, you have her DVDs!”

“NO, I TOLD YOU…”

Then she asks me to look up another book title. This one? “I Have the Strength of 10,000 Muscular Women.” (I nearly asked her if she was just messing with me at this point.) And sure enough, as soon as I start typing…

Woman: “Now BookFace, repeat that title back to me please so I know you have it right.

Me: *gritting my teeth* *repeats it*

Woman: “You’re not speaking into the phone!”

Me: (I’ve had enough of this shit by this point.) “I. HAVE. THE. STRENGTH. OF. TEN. THOUSAND. MUSCULAR. WOMEN. I AM SPEAKING DIRECTLY INTO THE PHONE. NOTHING IS COMING UP IN THE COMPUTER FOR IT. WE DO NOT HAVE IT.”

Customers and co-worker: *staring at me*

Woman: *silence*

Me: “…?”

Woman: “I can’t believe you don’t have it!”

Me: *nearly starts whimpering*

Cool co-worker: *catches my eye and gives me the sympathetic “WTF kind of idiot customer are you talking to?!” look*

Me: *rolls my eyes and makes a gun hand shape to the head*

Then she started asking me about some fiction books which at least had normal-sounding titles. I finally shut her down when I realized it had been over a half hour and told her someone else needed the computer and that I could no longer look anything up.

And THEN, she says, “Oh…I guess I should just come into the store. I’m coming in an hour.”

Me: *jawdrop* (thinking: YOU’RE COMING HERE IN AN HOUR ANYWAY AND YOU PUT ME THROUGH ALL THIS OVER THE PHONE? WHYYYYYY?) “That…would be best.”

After I hung up my co-worker and a customer both went: “Was that a crank call??”

Me: “I have no idea.” =|

On the bright side, she did apologize to me for taking up my time. I guess that’s something. Still, I was afraid the rest of the day that she would come in and latch onto me and start sucking my will to live away again.

Luckily, she never showed up. I Googled those titles later and nothing came up. Was she insane? Was she a crank caller? Was someone else playing a prank on her by giving her those titles and asking her to call a store for them?

The world may never know...

Stay cool everyone!

--BookAce

 

Bookstore Custy: Crazy or Chatty?

Hello RHU! Long-time reader, first-time submitter here.

I work at a large chain bookstore. Rhymes with Hoarders. I’ve been commenting as BookAce, so feel free to continue to call me that.

I was going to start with my custy-from-hell story, but that seemed like a rather depressing intro, so here’s a random crazy-custy encounter!

(For whatever reason, customers tend to naturally start up conversations with me. Considering I have the social skills of a cantaloupe, nobody is more confused by this than I am. Or maybe those reasons are why it’s usually the crazy custys who start talking to me. Needless to say, the saturation of crazy custys who start rambling at me does nothing for my anxiety about talking to people. xD)

It’s kind of a slow day and I’m chillin' behind the counter…

Woman: *walks up and puts down a cookbook, bookmark, and runes game/deck*

Me: “Hi, how are you?” =3 I start ringing her up.

The runes box doesn’t want to scan and I’m the only person on till, so I’m kind of scrambling around trying to type in the ISBN or find a dummy SKU.

Woman: “I’m well.” *taps the cookbook* “I’m buying this as a wedding gift.”

Me: “Oh, that’s nice!” =D

Woman: “And I’m going to copy down some other recipes that are good for people to make together.”

Me: “That sounds like a wonderful gift!”

Suddenly, the woman switches to this really creepily-sweet voice. “It’s for an ungrateful little brat who didn’t invite me to her wedding because I’m Jewish and she’s Catholic.”

Me: “…Oh. Um. That’s not cool.”

Woman: “It certainly isn’t! How would you feel about that?!”

At this point I’m getting a little concerned. Now that I’ve been drawn into the conversation, I can’t escape!

Soothingly, looking for some common ground, I reply that I completely agree with her that it’s not right, and how I had a Jewish friend in school and she invited me to her Bat Mitzvah even though I’m not Jewish.

Woman: *nodding energetically, practically snarling now* “Yes, see? So I’m not getting her the cookbook she wants. Instead she’s getting this.” 

I found the dummy SKU at this point and didn’t answer because I was poking at the register and vowing in my head to never have a conversation with a custy again.

Woman: *after a pause* “So yes, I’m hurt right now. She isn’t going to be happy, but this is what she gets for hurting me.”

Finally I have everything rung up and give her the total. She gives me money and I hand back her change and wish her a good day.

She holds up one of the State quarters and says: “Have you heard about the curse of the quarters?”

Me: “Um…no?” O.o

Woman: “Oh, the landmarks on them are cursed. Several of them have mysteriously caught fire.”

I’m out of things to say at this point. “That’s…awful…?”

Woman: “It’s very creepy. There’s this one courthouse in one state, it burnt to the ground. And there was a statue on another, it caught fire. And the brown pelicans on the Louisiana coin are all dying from the oil.”

Me: “…”

Suddenly the woman’s voice switches back to syrupy sweet and she chirps, “You have a lovely day!” at me and leaves abruptly.

To this day I’m not sure if she really was a little crazy, or if she was just a chatty mood-swingy person.

Considering that I once sold a book to a wanted murderer, (no shit, the guy was on the run when he came in. He got caught a couple weeks later and that’s when the police called and told us.) there’s no telling what kind of nuttiness a custy might be hiding.

-- BookAce