Retail Hell Underground

Barnes & Noble Give Away Simple Touch E-Readers

(Reuters) - Barnes & Noble Inc said on Friday it would give away a free Nook Simple Touch e-reader to any customer who buys its high-definition Nook HD+ tablet next week, a sign it may still be grappling with excess inventory of the unpopular e-reader.

The top U.S. bookstore chain last month reported poor holiday quarter results for its Nook business. Overall revenue fell 26 percent as it sold fewer devices, losing ground to products like Apple Inc's iPad and Amazon.com Inc's Kindle, and the Nook business' loss doubled.

The offer is available from March 24 to March 30.

The Simple Touch e-reader, while well reviewed, failed to catch on with customers since its launch in 2011, as digital bookbuyers have migrated toward tablets, which now offer better reading functions. Returns of unsold Simple Touch devices have repeatedly pinched Barnes & Noble's results.

Last year, Barnes & Noble carved out Nook and its college bookstore business into a new unit called Nook Media. That has attracted investments from Microsoft Corp and Pearson LLC, but Barnes & Noble still owns 78 percent.

Barnes & Noble shares fell 2 percent to $16.54 in mid-afternoon trading.

via www.huffingtonpost.com

Mannequin Heads and Cart Work The Corner For St. Patrick's Day

SNL's Barnes and Noble Firing

 

Pamphlet Toting, God's Love Spouting, The Word Spreading, Retail Hell At Hoarders

At our Hoarders, we had a pack of rather persistent religious folks that rather frequently tried to use our store to promote themselves. They were very insistent about leaving pamphlets at key points in our store. They would leave a stack of pamphlets at Music Info, Info, the Cafe, and the Registers. Is that JUST a Jehova's Witness thing?

I don't know... but after reading one of their incredibly hippie messages of love, flowers and unicorns farting rainbows, I was wondering how deeply the weed and Jimi Hendrix had infected their brains. I mean, my GOD! After I learned of the Westboro Baptist Church, years later, I realized that nature had created these people to be WBC's mortal enemies in order to balance it out. Aaand I digress. Please excuse me.

Now the managers, while tolerant of the faiths that came strutting through our store (we'd sell books and Bibles to them all), drew the line in the sand, and backed us up. We had a bulletin board where customers could post advertisements near the bathrooms, and the managers were adamant that we would not post ANYTHING that was not Hoarders related anywhere else in the store.

This did not stop the Hippie pack. They would stalk employees who were not busy with another customer and try to sell the Love Of God the way a used car salesman tries to hawk a crappy jalopy that has been sitting on the lot for six years without budging. We all learned to be very busy, no matter how slow the night, and we were even allowed to be firm in our refusals.

Hippie Preacher: I would like to help you spread the Word Of God, and I have these pamphlets here...

Me: Please don't sir. The managers don't want these cluttering up our workspace with more papers. as you can see... *I gesture to the umpteen stacks of company issued crap that cramps my space --crappy red and gray paper bookmarks that say HOARDERS in big bold letters, pamphlets about our precious member cards that we're supposed to tell everyone about,  notices about upcoming sales and events happening at our store etc--* ...we've already got enough.

Hippie Preacher: Well how about I just leave some, so that other folks can see them for themselves. *spoken as a statement, not asking permission.*

Me: Again sir, please don't. The managers won't let them stay. There is a bulletin board near the bathrooms if you wish to advertise something, but that's the only place we allow these kinds of things to remain.

Hippie Preacher: Ma'am, it is my holy duty to share God's Love.

Me: And you are welcome to talk about it, as long as you're not interfering with our customers or the work that the employees have to do. But we will throw away any pamphlets we find.

Hippie Preacher: You don't need to do that, just leave them at the registers until the end of the day. *he talks like a person in authority telling an employee that, yes indeed, they shall do what he tells them to do*

Me: No, sir--

His back is to me and he's leaving a stack next to every register down the line.

I take a deep breath, let it out, and pick up a garbage can and follow him, throwing every last pile into the garbage.

Hippie Preacher: There now everyone can... *he turns and sees me* What are you doing?!

Me: *I pick up the next pile, look him in the eye and throw it away right in front of him* I told you we don't want these. Now you can either take them to someone who might appreciate them, or you can watch all of your pamphlets get thrown away right here and now.

The Hippie Pastor turns an interesting shade and utters a few garbled squawks, among which I hear the word 'manager' so I call one over.

 The Hippie pastor starts complaining about how I'm interfering with his mission from God and disrespecting his beliefs. He picks up the pamphlets at the last register and waves them around for emphases. The manager turns to me.

Manager: Did you tell him about the bulletin board?

Me: Yes.

Manager: Did you tell him that we don't allow pamphlets to remain anywhere else?

Me: Yes.

Manager: And did you tell him that we will make you throw them away if you find them?

Me: *I hold up the garbage can full of pamphlets* Yes, and he started placing them anyway. So I threw them away behind him.

Manager: Then you did everything right. *the Hippie Preacher squawks a protest and the manager turns back toward him* Sir, we cannot allow you to leave your pamphlets all over our store. If we let you do that, then we have to allow EVERY other religious group that walks through out doors to do the same. We are a place of business, and we don't have the time or the space to allow that many pamphlets to clutter our store. Please take your pamphlets with you, because we will not let them stay. We will throw them away now, or we will throw them away the instant you turn your back to leave.

The Hippie Preacher splutters, scowls and then snatches his pamphlets out of the garbage, which I politely hold up for him to reach into. He storms out of the store, leaving us to roll our eyes to each other and go about our business.

May all your customers be nice,

Barnes & Noble Closures: 100s Of Stores To Go According To Top Executive

From Huff Po: Barnes & Noble's top store executive Mitchell Klipper has told the Wall Street Journal (subscription required) that the company plans the closure of at least 20 stores a year for the next decade.

Since 2003, the company has shut an average of 15 stores a year - but it also opened more than 30 per year, according to the Journal. During the last fiscal year, however, the company closed 14 stores and didn't open any. This year, a prominent Manhattan store has already shut its doors.

Without any new openings, that rate of closure would reduce the total number of Barnes & Noble's stores by a third - it currently has 689 retail stores, and 674 college stores. Their first store opened in New York City in 1917, and since the closing of Borders in 2011, it is by far the nation's largest book retailer chain.

Store revenue over the recent holiday period was down 11% on the previous year, however the company still made $317 million in earnings last year, more than enough, according to Klipper, to offset losses from the Nook ereader section of the company, which spends heavily on advertising and new technology.

Almost exactly a year ago, the WSJ ran an article questioning if the Nook part of the business was to be split off into its own company, though so far this hasn't occurred, and in April 2012, Microsoft invested $300 million in a new Nook subsidiary.

Print book sales nationwide dropped 22% over the past five years according to Nielsen BookScan, as ebooks and other digital devices have become more popular. Where that leaves the retail side of Barnes & Noble's business in the medium term is unclear.

According to the Journal,

Barnes & Noble has 442 leases up for renewal by April 30, 2016, representing substantially more than half of its stores. Mr. Klipper said he expects many will be renewed: "Why close them if they are making money?"

UPDATE: In reaction to the Wall Street Journal article, Barnes & Noble told Publishers Weekly that it is “fully committed to the retail concept for the long term.”

via www.huffingtonpost.com

Clever Book Promotion at Library

 

Library Moves Lance Armstrong Books

Three Stories For RHU: The Cool Custy, The Coworker Prank and the Drunken Tantrum

Hello, RHU, it's Eve Dallas once again. With a couple of stories I hope will cheer you up. The first one being a little bit odd. Something that happened whilst I was in an establishment that a friend of mine, who shall be called Starbucks as that is where we meet for chats, works in.

This place is a very well known bookstore, and myself, Shepard and his friend Garrus [For obvious reasons] where browsing. I knew Starbucks was at work so I set out to find her. And find her I did, among the stacks, whereby we started chatting. We were interrupted about three times by customers asking for things [It was two weeks before Christmas, so it was understandable] and as she walked away to help yet another customer, I get a tap on my shoulder. Expecting to see either Shepard or Garrus, I am confronted by an old woman of about seventy. She smiles up at me and points at my hat.

Now, my hat is something that only comes out during Winter as it is a Trilby hat and I like the look of it. It looks stylish and suits the long coats I favour during the colder months. This year I decorated it with a fake, red, glittery poinsettia as it is Christmas time afterall.

Slightly bemused at the situation, I smile back. The following conversation ensues.

Old Lady: I like your hat, very clever.

Eve: Thank you, I like it too. It's Christmassy

Old Lady: Never take it off. Never give in to the nay-sayers! Fight the power! Stay a rebel!

Eve: O...k. I will, I promise.

Old Lady: You make sure you do. Never become ordinary!

And with that, she strolls off with a little strut. Shepard has heard the last part of the conversation and adds his weird look to mine.

Shepard: Who was that?

Eve: I don't think I want to know.

-------------------------

Now, for the promised prank.

Picture the scene. It's about ten o'clock at night. The corridors are silent in the nursing home, everyone asleep. Me and my partner Nadine [after Nadine Furst, because my partner in this is a knockout when she wants to be] have just entered a room to help a resident. I walk to the window, put my back to it as the residents bed is parallel to the window. I don't realise that the top part of the window is open, since the curtains are shut. Nadine stands directly opposite of me, and we both prepare to help the resident.

Halfway through, Nadine looks up to just past my shoulder, pales, screams, and runs out of the room. I turn, look up and scream. 

There is something pushing through the curtains. And it looks like a GODDAMN HAND! I yank the curtain back and shrink into the corner beside the bed, expecting an axe murderer or crazed psychopath. And there, revealed by the light from the room, is Charles, my favourite nurse, pissing himself laughing.

He had gone out for fresh air, heard us, and decided to have some fun. I start giggling, back comes Nadine and we both laugh out of relief. It takes our hearts about an hour to fully calm down once again. To this day I still tease Nadine about how she left me to die at the hands of the 'Curtain monster.'

-------------------------

Now, finally, for something that happened on a train.

Me and Shepard had just seen the Avengers Assemble movie in 3D in our local Odeon [I say local, it takes half an hour by train. But boy, was it ever worth it.] Unbeknownst to us, the football team of that particular city finished a match at the same time the film was ending, so all the footy supporters living in our area where heading home.

Very drunk, very angry supporters.

The team lost that day. Me and Shepard are not big fans of football. I have always enjoyed figure skating more, and a few other sports. I don't like football mainly because of the fans. They take a game so seriously that its almost a religion, and they will start fights over anything.

We are sat among a particularly quiet group. Until Drunk Blonde starts chatting to Bald Guy. Now, Drunk Blonde has a boyfriend. Said boyfriend is a prissy looking idiot with enough hair gel to make One-Direction squeamish. He shall be called Drunk Child.

Drunk Child takes offence to his girlfriends flirting and starts shouting and swearing at Bald Guy. Bald Guy is not nearly drunk enough to shout or start a fight so he immediately suggests that the guy calm down, and even says that he will leave the carriage with his mates so the situation can calm down. Drunk Child doesn't take kindly to common sense and starts getting into the guys face, really having a go.

Drunk Blonde tries to calm him down by hugging him and, with the help of Drunk Child's mates, drags him off the carriage and to the next one. He is still in sight, and takes advantage of this by GLARING down the carriages at Bald Guy like a five year old denied chocolate. The dude literally stamps his FOOT, crosses his arms and pouts like a child at Bald Guy who is rolling his eyes.

Big mistake, as Drunk Child takes this as an affront to his masculinity and starts FLEXING HIS MUSCLES and putting up his fists like a boxer in a ring.

Eventually, we arrive at our destination and both me and Shepard practically bolt for the car park to Vera, my lovely red car, [props to those who get the reference. If you don't, I won't hold it against you] and we both breathe a sigh of relief as we drive home.

Avengers was amazing, but I could have done without the drama on the way home to be honest.

Anywho, goodbye for now, I am off to keep the city safe once more.

--Eve Dallas

Keeping New York safe in 2061

Oh Fuck No

Oh no she didn't!
The writer of this article thinks it's a cute idea to encourage parents to allow their kids to run rampant in stores.
Going even further, she suggests intentionally going to a store for the sole purpose of having their kids raise hell and trash the store.
My heart weeps for the retail slaves who have to bear the brunt of this lady's advice.

 

The 5 BEST STORES FOR A PLAYDATE

Sephora: If you’re feeling frumpy, this is a great place to meet up with other moms for a playdate. Buy your kid a cookie, put him in the stroller and head over to Sephora in the late afternoon. Make sure you get there before 5pm; you don’t want to compete with women who are picking up products on their way home from work. You’ll get to glam it up for free and paint your face with high end cosmetics that you can no longer afford now that you’re on a budget. You will also be able to style your hair with fancy products and try out pricey perfumes. Take the perfume spritzing papers for your kids and come up with a counting game. They can play with those while you’re tramping yourself out. Plan a hot date that night after your kid goes to bed.

Macy’s: Grab a coffee and head to Macy’s. Hit the furniture department first. The kids will enjoy trying out different couches and chairs. Find an area that’s pretty closed in so they can’t get away from you. You can sit with the other parent and chat a bit while the kids play. They’ll enjoy pretending they have 50 different living rooms. When they get bored ride the elevator up and down a few times.  Next stop should be the luggage department. Kids like trying to pull bags around that are bigger than they are.  Finish the playdate up with a pillow fight in the bedding department.

Petland Discounts: A good alternative to the zoo or aquarium. Zoos and aquariums are expensive, crowded and usually not as close as a pet shop. Your child will enjoy looking at cats, rodents and fish. For free!There are toys too and they’re much cheaper than the ones you’ll find at the zoo. Beware of squeaky toys though, they can become annoying. Also remember that explaining why bones are for sale to a child could get tricky. They will be confused and not sure why animals are chewing on bones. They may ask you what type of bone it is and where it came from. Good luck with that conversation.

Barnes and Noble: It’s full of new books and toys that the kids can actually play with. There is a Starbucks for you and your fellow mom and milk boxes are for sale for the kids. The bathrooms are large and clean. There aren’t any librarians to yell at your children for running and not whispering. Your kids can get a good game of hide and seek going in the children’s section.

Costco: If you’re feeling lazy and too tired to pack lunch for the kids, head over to Costco around 11:45am and fill up on free samples. You can make a meal out of it and get to have dessert too. The kids will enjoy being in a giant warehouse. Make a game out of looking up and counting the number of items stacked way up high. Also, they’ll get a kick out of the giant boxes of cereal. Make up a game that Costco is where giants live. You won’t be too far off. They can also play house in the sheds that are usually for sale. If they get bored, take them into the super cold produce section. That’ll wake them up.

 

Dear God, what *is* this lady thinking!? I hearby sentence her to one year retail employment with daily visits by a schoolbus full of truant children that have just been fed an entire bag of cotton candy and a venti caramel macchiato.

 

Random Custy Decides To Be A Jerk At Noble Barnes

Oh god I hated this at Borders. As if it weren't busy enough stocking and finding the crap, then we had to go around behind some asshole and turn the books spine out again.

Asshole Entitled Crusty Gets The Look From Truck

One of the most assholic things I ever encountered at Hoarders was in a triangle between me, a very Elderly Gentleman, and a hale and hearty 20-year-old Asshole.

Now you usually get all types of 'old folk' in any store you can think of. There's the cheeful grandparent type, the cranky old biddy/bastard, and then there's the third type. The third kid can barely walk, may be on oxygen and have legs that tremble so much, half the employees converge behind them in order to catch them in case they keel over backward. One look and you know for a fact that they should be sitting in a comfy chair in their jammies enjoying their twilight years, not tottering around in a mall or store that suddenly looks impossibly large if you dared to look through their eyes. You know they're not healthy enough to follow you to the section, even if you walked slowly and offered your arm to hang onto. But for whatever reason, they need something, and so they haul their aching bodies up and go to the store. They either don't have loved ones to pick it up for them, or else they are determined to hang on to that last thread of independance left to them. Whatever the reason, however the method, they somehow make it to the store and request assistance.

Thus far, everything is beautiful. He knew the title and the author, and we had it in stock. Staff was immeditately attentive to his needs and comfort without having to be asked. A staffer appeared out of the cafe with a chair as soon as the elderly gentleman appeared and tottered his way to the info desk. As the grateful Elderly Gentleman sat down, I went on my mission to look for and retrieve the book he wanted.

I have the title, the author and the location written on a piece of scrap paper and I'm heading to the section, when Asshole steps directly into my path, bolidly blocks my progress and asks me where some book is.

"It's in the Psychology section, which is right over there." I gesture to it.

"Aren't you going to help me find it?" Asshole asks, his voice rising just a bit to hint at a whine.

"I'm actually helping another customer at the moment, but I'll be happy to help you as soon as I've finished with him."

I try to walk around him and he sidesteps to block my path again. "Maybe you didn't hear me. I need help finding my book." He voice drops again to a threatening growl.

"Maybe you didn't hear me, sir. I'm helping that gentleman over there." I gesture to the elderly man, who is slightly slumped over his cane in the chair, but still managing to carry on a friendly and animated conversation with Truck. "If, however, you are in a rush, the information desk is about ten feet behind me and you can get some help there."

He looks at the elderly Gentleman, sizes him up, sniffs distainfully and plants himself squarely in front of me. "I'm not interested in walking that far. I'm asking you, and I expect to get the service that I deserve."

In a cartoon, fire would have sprung up behind me, also reflected in my eyes. I would have grown twice his size and I would have told him what a lowlife jerk he was in no uncertain terms until he shrank down to teeny, tiny size and fled like a frightened mouse.

Instead I gave him my most oily, nasty smile, and told him, "Certainly sir. I will give you the service you so richly reserve."

He relaxed with a superior, smug sneer and proclaimed, "That's better."

And with that, I darted around him before he could react and went straight to the section. He stood there with an expression of profound shock on his face. I retrieved the best looking copy of the book I was searching for and carried it back to the Elderly Gentleman.

Yes, that was the right book, and he was very happy to have it. It was at the time of day when there was no line at the registers, so he was run up right away. He politely declined assistance and tottered out the door.

Of course Asshole wouldn't let it go and he chose, of all people, Truck to complain to. Truck flicks me a reasurring glance then turns his "FBI stare" at Asshole.

"While, yes, I agree that it is our job to assist customers, Ilia was currently helping someone. If you really felt that you needed help finding a book, you should have asked someone who was not already busy."

Asshole flinches as the stare but continues to bluster, "Buh, but she was rude to me! She needs to be taught some manners! I demand that you reprimand her right now!"

"I heard her. She was polite the first two times that you rudely demanded assistance. After which, apparently she simply decided to exercise her right to refuse service to you and continue doing her job."

When the man refuses to let go, Truck gives him the look and tells the man in no uncertain terms to stop harassing employees.

I love Truck, and I miss him so bad!

But seriously, it was obvious I was helping someone and that someone obviously needed more help than Asshole. Out of the hwole store, only Asshole was the only one unable to get that?

May all your customers be nice,

Hoarders Manager Tries And Fails To Shame Our V'Ger Overlord

I feel that the grieving period for Hoarders can at least be marked as near its end. Out of respect for those who loved the bookstore, I have waited to share this little bit of 'blarg' toward a Hoarder's Manager.

I was in the habit of arriving early for my shift; a ritual that maintained my sanity from the troubles with Custies and Crusties alike. Arriving half an hour early with some edibles purchased from a nearby Albertsons, I would partake in glorious munchings and crunchins (grats to any who gets the reference) and read a book to settle my thoughts and put myself in a positive frame of mind. This was my ritual. Every. Day. That I worked. The managers knew this, as did coworkers who saw me as a bit of a staple of the back room at the appointed time.

Then, on time, I would sign in and head out on the floor.  A manager, who knew better, tried to make me go out on the floor early for my shift. It was at the very beginning of the holiday crowds, so nobody was truly swamped, and I knew she would do this again if I gave way this time.

Manager: Hey Ilia, we're getting busy out there. You can clock in early.

Thanks soooo terribly much for the permission to do so, precious.

Me: Oh. Do I get to go home early?

Manager: No, you can sign out at your usual time.

Right, because even though I'm already booked for a solid 8 hours a day all week already, but you won't authorize half an hour overtime, that sounds so delightfully appealing.

Me: Do I get a longer break?

Manager: No, your breaks will happen at the scheduled time.

Me: Oh, then no thank you.

Have you ever experienced that heavy silence? You know, the kind where someone goes quiet and just looks at you because they feel that you said the wrong thing and they think an awkward, heavy silence can guilt or intimidate you into conceeding to their wishes? Yeah, one of those fell in the back room with her staring at me.

Me: [Manager], I am at 40 hours exactly this week. You have already refused us overtime pay, and told us not to work over our limit in last week's meeting. I am eating. (As I say this I pick up an apple and bite into it. I chew leisurely, not hurrying for her sake.) And I will not get to eat for another five hours. This is the first time at all today that I am getting a chance to eat due to school.

The manager lets heavy silence reign for a moment longer and I look her in the eyes.

Me: I'm more than happy to to call corproate and ask them about their Labor Law Compliancy if you'd like.

She finally huffs in defeat.

Manager: Oh fine, just come out when you can.

She storms off. I signed in at exactly my scheduled time and no one tried to bully me into signing in early again.

May all your customers be nice,

A Custy On The Phone Shows Proper Respect To His Cashier

We've all had the cell phone jerks who can't shut up long enough to complete a transaction at the registers. However, this true little story still makes me smile.

A young man with a phone to his ear approached the registers with a few books in his grip. He fleshes me a wink and says into his phone, "Okay I'm at the registers, hold on a minute."

He sets the cell phone down on the counter, smiles at me and hands me his purchase. "She won't even notice," he tells me in a conspirational stage whisper.

Although I can't make out the words, I can tell that he is correct and the conversation babble from the phone hasn't impeded in the slightest.

The usual transaction conversation progresses, mostly with me trying not to laugh too laudly to be heard.

Me: Did you find everything you needed?

Him: Yep.

Me: Do you have your rewards card with you today?

Him: Certainly. Here you go.

Me: Okie pokie, your total is $XX.XX

He writes out a check.

I verify that everything is on the check as needed.

Me: Did you get your check number and total in your register?

Him: Oh shoot, thank you, I almost forgot that.

After the check info is jotted down, he accepts his bag and thanks me.

Me: Hey... I'm sorry...

I gesture to his still chattering phone.

Him: It's okay, I've perfected the art of letting my sister chatter while still getting stuff done. Even if she gets miffed, I can always truthfully say that I DID tell her that I needed to put the phone down. 

He puts the phone to his ear and without missing a beat, replies: Look, if they won't, then they won't. Find another dentist.

I watch him leave and marvel at the efficient way he handles it all. If only all Custies acted this way.

May all your customers be nice,

Legoman Pitches In

Shelves are being filled up for Christmas!
Here we have Legoman pitching in to help...
 
Peace!

-- JohnnyBob

 

 

 

I Could See This As A Crappy Fanfic

Out of curiosity, what year at Hogwarts would this have occurred?