If the title didn't tip you off, here's your second and final warning! What follows is a description of bathroom horrors you may encounter in the bathroom of your retail job. DO NOT EAT WHILE READING! You do so at your own risk! (Though if you are seeking to lose weight, by all means give it a go!)
Each category has its name, and its Gross Factor, as well as a paragraph description of what you will find in the disaster area. Cleanup requirements will be mentioned at the end.
Category 1 - The Floater / Yellow Bowl
Gross Factor: *
Plunked / Dribbled by a lazy slob, The Category 1 is mildly disgusting but relatively harmless in the scheme of things. Clearly its maker, for reasons unknown, chooses to simply not flush his/her deposit after relieving themselves. The behemoth disgorged from its home is merely a log in the pond, or a distinctly colored yellow pool in the bowl. All deposits are neatly and safely within the confines of the porcelain bowl.
Removal: A matter of flushing the toilet.
Category 2 - The Spatter / Scent Marking
Gross Factor: **
In choosing to squat rather than sit, the perpetrator has liberally sprinkled the toilet seat and perhaps a bit of the surroundings with their... refuse. Chances are 50/50 that we are dealing with a lost log or a squirt of brown liquid doom. Presence of urine is most certainly used in a manner more in line with marking territory than relieving themselves. Gender plays no part in distance covered, or volume released, though it is generally contained in the vicinity of the toilet, so some attempt to aim has been offered.
Removal: Don your gloves, grab your mop and sani-wipes and a doctor's mask. Standard biohazard precautions are sufficient.
Gross Factor: ***
Whatever happened here... it's all over. Don't count on it being confined to a single stall, or even in the vicinity of the toilet. When a Category 3 happens, someone is sick, AND has failed to make it the minimum safe distance. Your Area Of Effect is a spray pattern in any direction with measurable (if you dared) damage radius. Urine is dripping from the walls, and the soft dripping sound is like rain... horrible... horrible rain. If there is ever a time to take it to the top, an order to handle this would be your best opportunity to make your case against biohazard exposure.
Removal: A hose, several jugs of medical grade chlorine solution and a hazmat suit. Seriously, if it's not your job, call the professionals.
Category 4 - Fingerpainting
Gross Factor: ****
The name of this category says everything. Urine is no longer a factor in grossness. Your disgusting perp has earned your eternal revulsion by turning this from an accident into a painting of horror; far more literally than any one person can stand. Walls and floor bear witness to the horrific artistic "skills." All but the mightiest of constitutions has fled with both middle fingers in the air at the whole world and uttering it's wail of defeat: "NOPE! NOPE! NOPE! NOPE! NOPE! NNNOOOPPPEEE!!!"
Removal: NOT MY FUCKING JOB!! MINIMUM WAGE DOES NOT COVER THIS!
Gross Factor: *****
Category 5 cannot be described in so few words. It is, beyond any shadow of a doubt, impossible to create without malicious and disgustingly creative intent. No surface has escaped the brown rage spewing forth from the cavernous bowels of hell. Do not enter without a hazmat suit; all that falls from above is NOT benign. One truly wonders who one was in their past life, and cannot for the life of them find someone in history who deserves this.
Removal: Set fire to the place and never speak of this again.
Created in the hopes that classification of the various Shit Storms can be identified and avoided in the future!