To set the scene, I am still a bit of a Bookstore Slave (my old moniker) because when I get money, my favorite book series of the month gets some attention. I am a slave to the bookstore, and all its wonderful booky goodness.
I made use of a cafe chair while downing a snack and going over the books I had just purchased.
"Are you using that chair?" comes a voice from the mysterious world beyond my cake induced haze of bliss.
As I am sitting in the only chair at my tiny table, I do not respond. Surely the question is directed at someone else's table right? Oh wait, this is RHU. You already know the answer to that.
"Hel-OOOO! I asked you a question!"
I blink and look up at a middle aged woman who is currently glaring down at me.
"Are. You. Using. That. Chair?"
"This chair?" I point to the one under my butt. She nods.
"This chair right here?" She nods again.
"I don't like your tone! You're being very rude!" The bitch starts to growl.
What the fuck is it with crustys who think that "you are being very rude" are magic words for making everything better? "You are very rude!" *poof* The world is magical with unicorns and gumdrops falling from the sky!
"Since I don't work here, and since you are bothering me, I can be as rude as I want to people who ask incredibly stupid questions." I retort.
"How dare you! You have two choices, either you give me that chair, and we say no more about it, or I will report your rudeness to the manager!" She draws herself up to what I can only assume is her perception of a high-class-holier-than-thou posture and looks down her nose at me.
By now, the other cafe patrons are staring at us.
"Look lady, I'm sitting in my chair. It's obvious that I'm using it. Asking me if I'm 'using it' will not make me give it to you. If the cafe is full, you'll just have to wait for one to become available."
"Maybe your attitude will change if I get you fired!" She snarls, and storms off.
"Oh my fucking god it's happening again." I mutter darkly to myself.
She comes back with a ruffled looking manager in tow, her claw-like harpy hands wrapped around his arm in a death grip as she hauls him across the store.
I can almost imagine a cartoon version of the lady leaping on top of the hapless manager, body slamming him to the ground and dragging him by the ankle. He kicks free, lurches to his feet in an attempt to escape and is grabbed by the arm and dragged over. He certainly looks like she's done just that.
In the distance, I can see a slave on the phone, staring across the store at us.
I resist the urge to bite her and tell her that I have rabies. Instead, I spear another bite of cake and eat it.
"Ma'am, so is she. Let go." The manager pries her hands off his arm. "You've manhandled me, I'm going to have bruises on my arm, and you've harassed a customer. You need to calm down, or leave."
"I'm the customer, and I'm always right!" she screeches!
"Well so am I, and that means I'm always right too, and I say that you need to back the fuck off!" Ugh, I can't believe the phrase 'always right' came out of my mouth, but I was now pissed. Dirtier words have never passed my lips.
"But I'm more important than you. You're a worthless dead-end-job dropout!"
"Actually, I graduated from a career college in the medical program, and have been job hunting for a career to match my degree." This statement was about as effective as telling a wall to move a few inches to the right. I roll my eyes, "If you want the chair so fucking bad, you can have it." I put my books in my bag and rise to take my now empty plate to the cafe.
She gives a shriek of triumph and leaps into the chair that I am vacating, slamming her ass into it with enough force to nearly tip herself over backward. I get shoved hard, but maintain my balance and only stumble a few feet forward. "Now it's mine bitch! You left it! You're not using it anymore!"
The timing was impeccable, as two police officers have entered the store in time to see her pounce.
She was taken away, screeching and struggling, after I gave my side of the story. I swore up and down that I didn't blame the store and was still very happy to shop there. I've got a lovely coupon for my troubles, and a story, which I have now shared with you.
May all your customers be nice,