Retail Hell Underground

Burger Bitch: Coworker Sexting Custys and A Parade of Dumbasses

Oh guys, you won’t fucking believe the story I have for you this time.

Since it’s so fucking ridiculous and is making me so mad that I could very well piss wasabi, I’m going to cut right to it.

Recently, my manager has started putting me on after noon shifts because I mentioned that I was getting crazy migraines from lack of sleep. And since she’s so awesome, she took me aside one day and said “You’re my one of two amazing workers, so I don’t want you to leave, so if you don’t mind, I’ll put you on some afternoon shifts.” Which I of course didn’t mind because I got to sleep in and finally have some time to get some shit done.

Well, I realized very quickly that the customers are 500x more idiotic during the afternoon shift, but more importantly, that the tips suck. Now, I’ve mentioned before that I live off of my tips and my paycheck goes straight to the bank and I don’t touch it. That way I can save up for school (Whenever I decide what I actually want to do with my life, y’know) and a car very easily.

When I work in the mornings, I generally walk home with anywhere from $15-30 per day, however the few times I’ve worked the afternoon shifts, I’ve literally went home with less than $3. But what bugged me is I’ve seen the tips that the other girl who works afternoons walks home with, and they’re always upwards of $25. Not to sound arrogant at all, but this girl is unpleasant, impolite and dumber than a box of toenails. When I work, I’m polite and try to make small talk with the customers.

I really started to wonder how she was walking home with an assload of tips and I was getting dick all. Well, I knew that she’s gotten written up twice for taking her apron off and unbuttoning her shirt, so I figured “Maybe I need bigger tits to get tips, but that’s not happening.”

But then, my coworker told me, in a giggling fit of hysteria that Tips McGee was caught by our other coworker SEXTING CUSTOMERS.

WHAT?

Yeah. Apparently she’s been giving out her number to customers and sexting them up and she was BRAGGING about it.  Which is fucking awesome, because I never realized that I work in a coffee house/brothel. So now all I have to do is sext in order to get tips, so I’m a bit fucking pissed about that. Plus, just the other night, three customers came in and asked if Slutty McTroll was working.  

–Shudder-

*    *    *    *

And now for the Darwin Award Winning Customers!

The thing that’s really gotten on my nerves as of late is just the complete and total lack of any common sense. The first customer I had the other afternoon was a man and his teenage son in DT, they ordered a large double double and a large double double with sweetener. So on one lid I wrote a “S” and on the other “Sw.” You’d think that’d be pretty straight forward, right? Wrong.

Old Man: “Which one has sugar and which one has sweetener? They’re not marked.”

Me: “Yes, they are. The “S” is sugar and the “Sw” is sweetener.”

Old Man: “Well, that’s confusing, they could easily be confused.”

Even his son was shaking his head at him. Then, not an hour later, a man came into the store, looked around and asked “Do you serve coffee?”

I honestly thought he was joking, so I chuckled, but he just gave me the stink eye. No, fuckbone, the 3 coffee machines and all the cups and bags of coffee lying around actually means that we serve stem cells.

He ordered an extra large regular and a medium hot chocolate. Note that these sizes differ greatly. I prepare them, put them in a tray and give them to the dipshit dude.

Dipshit: “Which one is which?”

Me: “.. Sorry?”

Dipshit: “Which one is which? I ordered an extra-large regular and a medium hot chocolate, right? So which one is which?”

Me: -Trying VERY hard not to sound sarcastic- “The extra-large is the one in the bigger cup..”

*    *    *    *

Then came the idiot bitch and all of her spare fucking change. A woman came through DT and ordered an Extra Large French Vanilla and cookie, since there was another customer waiting at the counter, I got them together quickly and told the woman in DT her total. That’s when she hands me an entire fucking sandwich bag of pennies and nickels and says “I’m too busy to count it, so if you could just count that to make sure I have enough, that’d be great.” YEAH. FUCKING SURE. NOT LIKE I HAVE OTHER CUSTOMERS OR ANYTHING ELSE BETTER TO FUCKING DO, YOU DUMB BITCH.

I try to count it as quickly as possible and she only has about $1.20 and the total is $3.45.

Me: “You only have $1.20 here.”

Bitch: “Ok, give me a few minutes to get more change out of my bag.”

I figure this would be a decent enough chance to take the customer’s order who has been waiting patiently at the counter. I turn and say “Hey there, what can I get you?” when the bitch in DT shouts “HEY WAIT YOU HAVE TO COUNT MY CHANGE.”

Me: “Do you have the change ready yet?”

Bitch: “No!”

Me: “Then I’m going to take this customer’s order while you get your change.”

Bitch: “No! You have to count my change!”

Luckily the girl who was working on the gas station side came over and took the other customers order. All in all, it took over TEN MINUTES for this lazy fucking cow to get out enough change to pay for her fucking order, and it was almost all in pennies. 2.75$ in pennies, if I remember correctly.

I need to start drinking at work.

--Burger Bitch

 

Burger Bitch: Slacker Coworker Allowed To Be Late and Call In Sick 8 Times

Well guys, today was a complete and utter disaster. However, my awesome coworker and a regular customer made my day.

Now, I have one coworker who is a huge fucking cunt. I literally have no other words to describe her because that’s how terrible she is. She’s shows up late all the time or calls in sick, in December alone, she called in sick eight times. EIGHT FUCKING TIMES. But she never gets in shit for anything. Why? Because my manager has to have permission from her boss to fire someone, and her boss is a fucking buttpussy.

So this morning, I go in at my usual time which is 4:30AM and Cunt is supposed to come in at six. Recently, I’ve had a bitchin’ flu, but I still show up to work because, well, nobody would take my shift because they refuse to work with cunt. One of my coworkers even called me and said “BB, I love you. Like, more than tequila, but just not enough to want to work with Cunt.” Seriously, this is how bad she is. But anywhom, 6:10 rolls around and she’s still not there and it’s starting to get really busy, 6:15 comes and I call my manager and let her know that Cunt is late. Awesome Manager tells me to call her again in 10 minutes if she’s still not there and she’d be right over.

Nope, she still wasn’t there, so I text my manager and she tells me to call in Mama Bear. Mama Bear is by far my favourite coworker. She’s such a sweetheart and I just love her so much. I ask the two people waiting at cash if they could just hold on for one second because I really have to call my coworker in, but they start fucking flipping shit, so I serve them. But as I’m serving them, I start to feel insanely unwell and realize that I’m about to have some serious issues. I serve them as fast as I can, but DT goes off, serve that customer, someone else comes in. At this point, I’m in tears because I need to go to the washroom SERIOUSLY BAD and I don’t have fucking time because my coworker can’t give a fuck enough to fucking come to work on time.

Well, I turn to serve the customer at cash but it’s John Goodman. Not really, but you guys remember the awesome regular who looks a lot like him and bitched at the asshole customer a few rants ago? Yeah, it was him.

John: “Oh no! What’s up, buttercup?”

Me: “I’m feeling really unwell and I really have to go to the washroom but I don’t have time because my coworker is an idiot and comes in late all the time! And I still have to call my other coworker and I’m just freaking out a little bit. I’m so sorry.”

John: “Ok, hon. GO TO THE WASHROOM. I’ll stand here and let customers know that you’re just having some technical difficulties. But seriously, go! Fuck the people in the DT, they can wait!”

I booked it to the washroom as fast as possible and when I came back, John was still standing there, chatting away with the other customers, then he says “They don’t mind waiting, give your coworker a call.”

I honestly wanted to hug the crap out of him. I called Mama Bear and immediately she answered and said “What’s wrong, hon?” Seriously, she has crazy Psychic Mom powers.

Me: “Cunt didn’t show up and I can’t do everything myself and I’m freaking out and just-just-“

Mama Bear: “Oh, sweetie! I’m going to get dressed like a fucker and I’ll be right there! Just breathe!”

I served the other few customers before my manager and Mama Bear came in, then the phone rang. It was Cunt saying “She was going to be late.”

WOW. REALLY? YOU DON’T FUCKING SAY, CAPTAIN RETARDO!

I told her that Mama Bear was already there and hung up, but Cunt still came in. I was still shaking because I was so angry and when I saw her walk in, I had to go outside because I would have flipped at her. She didn’t even have a decent excuse, she just waddled her fat ass in and said “I didn’t feel like getting up this morning.”

NOBODY WANTS TO GET UP AND GO TO FUCKING WORK IN THE MORNING!

When I came back in, Awesome Manager was having a talk with her, but she let me know later that there’s nothing she can do. So basically, in order to get fired, you have to shit in someone’s mouth.

Immediately Cunt starts trying to tell Mama Bear what to do and told her that she shouldn’t have come in and Mama Bear looked right at her and said “Maybe you should get your cow ass here on fucking time so BB doesn’t have to handle the morning rush by herself, you lazy twat.”

I seriously nearly cried out of joy.

And lucky me, tomorrow is my 6^th day working in a row and I have to spend it with Cunt. AWESOME. I should just leave when she gets there and say “Sorry, I don’t feel like working.”

Fucking dickpacker.

--Burger Bitch

 

NC Tony's Retail Slave Wish List 2011

After all the positive feedback I got from last year's list, I decided to make another one for this year. I promised it, so here it is, the Retail Slaves Wish List 2011. This is by no means a complete list, so let me know what I may have forgotten.

Baby pictures: For those of you who don't (yet)/don't want to have children, you can now have wallet sized pictures of adorable babies to carry around. Why? For the next entitled idiot that threatens to get you fired!

Crusty: I don't like the way I was treated, I want to talk to your supervisor. I'm going to get you fired.

You (pulling out baby pictures): Could you do me a favor?

Crusty: What?

You (showing her pictures of adorable babies): Could you explain to my son(s)/daughter(s) [insert appropriate guilt trip such as baby needs an operation, why they won't be getting any presents this birthday/Christmas, basic needs like food and shelter]?

Those of you with children simply need to carry around pictures of your kids when they were babies, even if they are old enough to have jobs and families themselves. If you look too old to have young children simply refer to the angel faced cherubs in the pictures as your grandchildren. Available in boys and girls (mix and match for multiple children to heap on the guilt).

Fake smile: Does your face hurt from having to paste on a fake smile for every entitled asshole that comes through your line? Are you sick and tired of having to grin and bear it when some dickhead yells and screams at you for upholding company policy? Does your jaw ache from having to smile while some fuckface tears into you because you can't do the impossible? Now simply wear a fake smile over your own grimace of anger while your eyes convey all the hate necessary. Available in all skin tones for men and women.

Spawn B-Gone: Hate screaming, unruly children? Of course you do! Now with Spawn-B-Gone you don't have to deal with them. Developed by scientists, Spawn-B-Gone is a odorless gas that flows through the vents into the store and harmlessly puts small children (newborn-toddlers) to sleep. Older children (4 and up) will feel lethargic and listless, and less likely to get into shit. The effects wear off as soon as the children are out in the parking lot. Note: Spawn B-Gone does not actually make small children disappear.

Trash magnet: So there you are cleaning up, and you find an empty Starbucks cup stuck on a shelf. There's a garbage can five feet away. Ever wish you could find the responsible party? The trash magnet (an odorless spray that coats the customers clothes when they enter the store) will force their own trash to stick to their clothes unless it's deposited in an appropriate trash receptacle.

1,001 Ways To Get Revenge: This is more for your coworkers and managers who are out to get you, or prefer to throw you under the bus to save their own ass. 1,001 sneaky, devious, underhanded ways to get revenge on them that can never be tracked back to you. From simple things like keying their car, to kidnapping their pets for ransom. Also going to extreme measures like putting them on the mailing list for the Westboro Baptist Church or hiring an ex-con to rob their house while they're at work. Also available: 1,001 Ways To Get Revenge: Corporate Edition.

Terry Everton and Burger Bitch's Big Book of Insults: Tired of calling someone an asshole or a stupid bitch? Let RHU's experts in new curse words give you the arsenal to unleash as soon as Fuckneck McCockknuckle's back is turned. Let that dicktooth know exactly what you think of them, even if you can't say it to their face. Also good for the coworkers described above.

How to Be Condescending and Get Away With It: Along with the Big Book of Insults, this book gives you scathing ways to tell customers and asshole coworkers to fuck off and die without actually saying "Fuck off and die". Now you can let customers and idiot coworkers know exactly how you feel about them without getting in trouble for it. Now you can insult customers intelligence, upbringing, education level, and even their looks right to their face without them being any the wiser that they've been insulted. Special index: 20 ways to flip someone off right in front of their face. Includes the old favorites of scratching your face, adjusting your glasses, and new sneakier techniques of careful hand adjustment so that your middle finger is always pointed at the customer (but not so they'd notice).

Closing Time Stun Doors: It's two minutes to close, and here comes some asshole who decided to wait until the last minute to come shopping. They promise to be "real quick" but you know that "real quick" turns into you staying a half hour past closing time. Well now, anywhere between ten and two minutes to close the doors go into stun gun mode. With all the voltage of a police tazer, anyone waiting until the last minute to come in "real quick" will get a real quick jolt of 50,000 volts (customers exiting will not be affected). Can also be adjusted to stun anyone other than an employee trying to get in before the store officially opens.

Trapdoors at closed registers: Don't you hate it when your register is closed and some brain dead cockslap comes up and dumps their shit on your register despite the CLOSED sign? Well a simple push of a button will render your line closed again as a trapdoor opens under their feet. For those of you who don't want to hurt anyone, the space under the trapdoor can be equipped with a mattress, and an escape staircase that lets out in the parking lot.

Coffee Call-Back: Hate it when coffee customers yell at you for screwing up their orders, when it's their fault because they weren't specific? Now with Coffee Call-Back you can nip this annoying problem in the bud. Coffee Call-Back records the customer's order, and will play it back as soon as the customer complains that you screwed up their order. The crusty then has two choices: take the drink that they ordered, or pay half the cost of the drink to have it remade. Deluxe model comes with video playback.

Hounds: So you've made the announcement that your store is closing in 15, 10, 5 minutes. The Stun Doors have kept out the riffraff, and now the store is closed. Final announcement; "Ladies and gentlemen, we are now closed, please take your final purchases to the nearest register or we will release the hounds. Thank you for shopping at The Big Fancy." Hounds will be trained only to chase but not attack custys unless they're provoked. Hounds will also be trained not to attack retail slaves.

Baseball bat clue-by-fours: Now there's no need to carry around a unwieldy piece of wood. All new clue-by-fours have been turned into easy to carry baseball bats. Still with the same ability to knock sense into even the dumbest customer.

Real life censor/mute: Tired of customers calling you a stupid asshole or (even worse) a dumb cunt? Well with the real life censor their insults get turned into grade school insults that make them sound stupid. How funny would it be to hear "stupid asshole" turned into "stupid airnose"? "I can't fucking believe how fucking stupid and incompetent you are" becomes, "I can't fudgecicle believe how Frosted Flakes stupid and inclockable you are... wait, what the french toast did I just say?" For those more severe insults (being called a cunt, or having your race or sexual orientation insulted) the real life censor simply bleeps out the words. Can also be adjusted to mute the crustys voice altogether.

So there you have it thirteen brand new items that if they existed would make our lives so much easier.

-NC Tony

 

CLICK HERE TO SEE TONY'S 2010 LIST!

 

 

Burger Bitch's Disabled Hellspawn Encounter and Revenge of A Douchebag Custy In The Drive-Thru

Before I get into the story that was my most recent week, I have some news.

My store was robbed while I was away on my trip. My part closes at 8 PM, bus the gas station is open 24h. One of my favourite coworkers was working when two men came in, placed knives on the counter and demanded the money. I’m not too sure of the details, but I know they came behind the counter and took all the money that was in the safe. One of my good friends works on that side and she worked the shift after the robbery.

Obviously, she was the first one there after it happened, I guess she basically jumped out of her car the second she saw Amazing!Girl sitting in the cop cruiser sobbing. My friend was able to watch the tape, and when she tried to tell me the details, she started crying. I’m not even sure if I want to hear what happened, I haven’t heard from Awesome!Girl and she called in for the rest of the week. They did apprehend the men though, since they were dumb enough to try to rob another store right down the street (And steal all the rolled coin, try to look nonchalant carrying all that, dumbasses). Fucking assholes, I hope they get tied to some train tracks. I just really hope that Awesome!Girl is ok. That’s definitely a terrifying thing to have to go through.

And now, the most recent realization I have come to in my life. I don’t hate children (Well, ok, I do a little) it’s the idiotic dickbag parents who can’t pry themselves away from themselves to control their larvae while in public.

Let’s set the scene;

I worked the day before I left for my trip and instead of dragging my giant suitcase to work then to my boyfriend’s, I just dropped it off at his house before I went to work. Unfortunately, I also dropped off my wallet with it, which meant that I had no money for food, and my boyfriend started work an hour after me, so he wasn't able to bring my wallet to me. However, one of my amazing managers made cookies and she left me two before she was finished her shift. They weren’t giant cookies or anything, but they looked delicious and I figured they would hold me over until the end of my shift when I could get some lunch.

Since we don’t have breaks, we have a small counter where we keep our food and our drinks so we can just eat whenever we get hungry. It’s lower than the front counter and a bit to the side. Customers can see it, but it’s behind the napkin holder and straws and such. It was very busy that day so my manger was in the back doing the second bake, ergo, we didn’t have a lot of donuts left. My coworker and I were shooting the shit when the son ran up and demanded a donut.

I told him that the only ones we had left were the plain… And this is where it all goes to hell.

I had my cookies sitting on top of the paper bag they were in, I was literally about to eat them before they came in. This little fucking shithead proceeds to half climb over the fucking counter, grab them and shoves one in his fat little fucking face. I had no fucking idea what to do, I just stood there in shock that a fatass child would actually do this! Then I started thinking that it was another 6 hours before I could have any fucking food and I was hungry as tits.

That’s what the dad wandered over and asked me how much the cookies were. I fucking lost it.

Me: “Those were mine! They’re not for sale! Your child just ate one, that was my entire lunch!”

Fucknose: “Oh, well, he didn’t eat the other one.”

Me: ‘SO!? I DON’T KNOW WHERE HIS HANDS HAVE BEEN, IT’S GOING TO BE THROWN OUT NOW! HE JUST CLIMBED OVER THE COUNTER AND TOOK THEM!”

Fucknose: “Well, he has a learning disability.”

And he just left it at that, he grabbed his shit-for-brains child and left. I was so angry that I could have sworn I shat out tiny versions of Satan.

But this is what pissed me off even more (Ok, not really, I wanted those fucking cookies), my coworker defended the shit!

Her: “Well, the father did say he has a learning disability.”

Me: “SO!? I DON’T GIVE A FLYING FIDDLER’S ASSHOLE! I FUCKING HATE PARENTS. YOU NEED TO CONTROL YOUR CHILDREN. FUCK!”

Her: “You should have a heart.”

And then my head exploded and my ghost is typing this.

Now, a small story of revenge!

I was working with the new woman a few days ago. I love her SO much, I trained her a few weeks ago when she first started and she actually caught on! SHE'S SMART AND FUNNY AND I LOVE HER. Plus, she called work the day before my trip, just to tell me to have a good time. How sweet is that!?

Anyways, this giant fucking asshole comes through the Drive Thru and before I can even open my mouth to ask "Hi, how may I help you?" He shouts "HELLO!? HELLLOOOOO!?"

My coworker and I share a look of "What the fucking fuck?" then she asks if she can help him. The man specifically asked for a medium regular and a large regular, then drove up before either of us could ask "Is that everything?"

Of course he was a rich asshole driving a brand new Mercedes. Only the assholes have decent money, right? I prepared the coffees, but when I went to hand them out, the guy said "The medium is decaf, right!?" Keep in mind he absolutely did NOT ask for a decaf. He only asked for a medium and a large regular. I apologized and handed him the large and told him that I would fix the medium.

But then he starts bitching to the passenger "I can't believe these people find jobs! How the fuck can you fuck up a cup of coffee!? What a dumb bitch! I just wanted decaf!" Then I heard the passenger say "You didn't ask for decaf.." The asshole kept ranting saying that "they should know what I want anyways! Normal coffee keeps me awake all night and gives me terrible stomach pains!" So I turned around and poured a decaf coffee.. But handed him out the same normal coffee I set down. HA! Take that asshole.

Him: "This is decaf, right!?"

Me: "Yup! Have a great day! =D"

My coworker looked at me and said "If you didn't do that, I would have."

I hope the fucker died.

--Burger Bitch

 

Burger Bitch: I Love My Regular Custys - Especially When They Tell Off Other Custys

I don’t even know where to start with this week, it’s just been a total and complete fucking shitstorm. I haven’t been sleeping that well as of a few weeks ago and I’ve tried everything under the sun to get myself to sleep better, or at all. But nothing seems to be working, which makes my patience level at an all-time fucking low.

Let’s start things off with a small public service announcement; PLEASE BE SPECIFIC WHEN YOU ORDER, IT IS VERY IMPORTANT TO A COFFEE SLAVE. Twice this week, I’ve had customers freak out at me because I messed up their order.

Bitch, it’s not my fucking fault if you’re not specific. Dillfucker the first came through DT a few days back and ordered a large coffee with a small milk. Now, to me, that means a large coffee with a small milk in it. But no, he meant a small coffee AND a small CARTON of milk, so he proceeded to flip the fuck out over the fact that I put milk in his fucking coffee.

The second customer was a middle-aged woman who came up to the counter and asked for “two coffees with milk and one coffee with sugar.” To myself and my coworkers, that meant 3 coffees. My coworker poured them while I attended to a DT order, when I handed her the coffees, she flips her shit and starts SCREAMING at me because she only ordered two coffees.

I offer to repour them if she tells me what she wants in them, but I doubt she could hear me over the sound of how much of an asshole she was. Apparently she wanted one coffee with just milk and one coffee with milk and sugar, which she could have ordered the fucking correct way by saying “Can I have 2 coffees, one with milk and one with milk and sugar.” But I suppose that would have been just too simple. 

Now, I need to tell you guys a story from a few weeks back. We have many regulars and 99% of them are absolutely amazing. One in particular is my favourite.

We’re going to call him John because he looks hella similar to John Goodman. He’s crazy tall, I’m guessing about 6’4 or 6’5, and SUCH a sweetheart. Every morning he comes in and the first thing he says is “My dear, how are you!?” and he just makes my heart melt.

Sometimes he’ll bring his son in with him, who’s about 4 or 5 and he’s the most polite child I’ve ever met. Anywhom, John is the manager of a hardware store just down the road from us, so he comes in 2-3 times a day, but his first time is always about 15 minutes after we open.

He came in a few weeks back, so I get his coffees ready for him (He gets his and one other for whoever opens with him that morning, so I just ask him whose working with him and get theirs ready.) There was another man behind him in line, but he was waiting for a sandwich that my coworker was preparing for him, so I was shooting the shit with John about whatever hockey game was on the night before (I’m Canadian, it’s an everyday occurrence) when the man behind him taps him on the shoulder.

John: “Yes?”

Asshole VonVagDouche: “I was in your store the other day and it was fucking awful! I couldn’t find anything I wanted and your employees were so fucking incompetent!”

John: “Ok, first things first. You just interrupted my conversation, and she was talking. Obviously your parents weren’t fit enough to teach you to NEVER interrupt a lady. Second, maybe if you were more polite, my employees would have been more inclined to help you search for whatever you were looking for. And third, DOES IT FUCKING LOOK LIKE I’M AT WORK TO YOU? NO. I’M GETTING MY COFFEE BECAUSE IT’S 6:15 AM AND I NEED IT TO DEAL WITH ASSHOLES LIKE YOU.”

Asshole VonVagDouche: (Who barely reached 5’5”) “Oh. I-Uh.. Ok.”

I had to turn around to stop from laughing; it was so glorious seeing some fucktrot get his ass ripped to shreds. John even apologized for swearing in front of me and carried on his merry way. When he came back for his second coffee on his break, he told me that if that guy ever gave me trouble, to let him know.

I love my regular customers so much.

--Burger Bitch

Burger Bitch: Asshat Managers and Awesome Retail Slaves

Just a short rant today, but I need to get it out of my system.

I am so pissed off right now that I could very well shit a fucking hedgehog.

I’ve had a trip planned for a little over six months now and I’ve been looking really forward to it and when I was hired 3 months ago, I made sure to book the day off right away. When I was hired, I asked my manager how much notice she preferred when booking time off, and she told me 2 weeks. The day I want off is this month and I booked it off at the beginning of August. She informed me that I gave a great amount of notice, so I definitely had the day off.

So I purchased all of my tickets, booked everything and now everything is planned. But wait, there’s more. Today, she came up to me and told me that she’ll still “try her best” to give me the day off, but there’s nobody to cover for me.

Wait, what the FUCK now? First off, her AND my only other morning coworker BOTH called in sick last minute last week, so I was by myself for 3 hours (The first 3 hours after we open are the busiest, by the way) until my awesome coworker came in. Plus, my coworker, we’ll call her Bitchy McWhineass, books off at LEAST 5 days a month and always gets them off. I’m asking for ONE day, and it’s not even a busy day of the week, either. But besides, she already told me that I had it off. The tickets for the show I’m going to see are non-refundable AND there’s a price to cancel my other tickets. I’m so fucking fucked if she decides to not give me the day off.

Fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck!

Alright, now onto a decent story.

My step mum and I went shopping the other day in a town about an hour away. We picked up a few Christmas gifts then wandered off to look at boots for myself, since I was in desperate need of a new pair of winter boots.

We greeted the two men working and went on our way to check some out, shortly after, my step mum wandered off to the store next to us to look at some gift cards.

One of the men came up to me and we started chatting, he even told me when a pair of boots were ugly, which was nice. I settled on a nice, decent priced pair of boots and we continued chatting for a bit more. He was honestly one of the nicest people I have ever met, he told me that him and his husband had recently got married and even showed me a few photos (Note: Such an adorable couple.)

He took me up to the cash to pay for my boots, and then he said “Ok, I am SO not supposed to do this, but you are one of the most polite and adorable girls ever! So I’m going to give you a discount.” I was already really excited, just to be told that I was adorable, and I was honestly just expecting a small discount. However, he gave me 20% off! I was so excited that I nearly peed, I swear.

Being a polite and awesome custy pays off, bitches!

--Burger Bitch

 

 

From The Edge of Barista Hell: A Foul-mouthed Custy Tirade, Dumbass Coffee Ordering, and Silent Big Tippers

Ok, RHU, I think it’s about time we all get shit-faced together. Maybe even some strippers, because right now, I think that would be the only thing that could give me ANY hope.

I think most of you read this first story on the Facebook page, but allow me to reiterate.

I was at work the other morning when a man and his wife came through DT, I made their coffee, my coworker handed it out, no big deal, right?

My manager and my coworker went into the back room to make some more muffins, so I was the only one up front.

The man came back in with his coffee and told me, very impolitely, that there was no sugar in his coffee.

I say “Ok, sorry, I’ll just re-pour that for you.”

I know for a fact that I put sugar in his coffee, but what else is new, right? As I was making his coffee, he screamed “YOU GOT MY WIFE’S TEA WRONG TOO!”

Alright, now I’m getting a bit aggravated with this cocknose because I fucking hate being screamed at. Now, we don’t have screens or anything that our coffee is shown on, everyone’s order is straight from memory, which is fucking retarded, but I digress.

So I apologized again, explain that everything is straight from memory and I’ve poured at least 10 other coffees since his order, so I could remember what was in his coffee, but not in his wife’s tea.

He gave me the dirtiest look I’ve ever seen and said “Wow, you don’t remember? OF COURSE NOT! Don’t make the tea, just get my coffee, and if you could make it properly this time, that’d be fucking great!”

By that point, I stopped caring. I hate being yelled at and I simply don’t get paid enough to deal with pricks like that.

My manager came out from the back room, because she heard him yelling, and she stood beside me. I handed him his coffee and said “Here ya go.” Not even rudely, just, normally. I wasn’t super cheery like I usually am to customers because I tried, I apologized, and he was just a swamp-ass. That’s when he had a fucking melt down!

He screamed “YOU COULD HAVE AT LEAST SAID YOU WERE SORRY, YOU FUCKING CUNT!”

What? I fucking did! TWICE! Eat my cock, you fuck! I just laughed and started walking away, because I had better shit to do, and he actually KICKED THE COUNTER! My manager was standing there, mouth agape and surprised as fuck, she even told him to get the fuck out.

Honestly? This guy was at least 45, and he’s still that immature? He reminded me of a child having a tantrum because mommy said he couldn’t have any candy.

Fuck me.

*    *    *    *

I now have a new and worst pet peeve. It’s when people come in and say “I want a coffee.”

WELL, I SURE FUCKING HOPE SO, SOCK-FUCKER.

However, it goes further, they’ll say they want a coffee and then just stand there and stare at me like a Neanderthal, expecting me to know what they want in their coffee. I’d say about 20 times a day; I have to walk some dipfuck through the process of making their coffee.  

Herp Derp: “Yeah, can I have a coffee?”

Me: “Ok, what size?”

Herp Derp: “Large.”

Me: “… Ok. Anything in it?”

Herp Derp: “Uuh. Cream.”

Me: “Alright –puts cream in the coffee-“

Herp Derp: “And sugar.”

Fuck off, you should know what you want when you order a coffee. And another thing, if you don’t know the short forms, please, for the love of fucking all night long, don’t use them. Just the other day, a woman ordered an extra large Double-Double (For you non-Canadians out there, a Double-Double is 2 cream, 2 sugar.) When I made her coffee, she took a sip and said “Oh, I didn’t want sugar in this.”

Me: “You ordered a Double-Double, right?”

Woman: “Yes.”

Me: “A Double-Double has sugar in it.”

Woman: “Oh, I thought it meant two cream.”

*    *    *    *

Now, I have a question.

Recently, I’ve been encountering a type of custy that I like to call the Strong Silent Tipper. I have about 4 or 5 customers who barely say a word whenever they come in, not even a “Please” or “Thank you” but they always tip very well.

One is a teenager who doesn’t ever say a word other than “Large Triple Triple” even if I ask how he’s doing. But he always tips upwards of $3.

Has anyone else encountered a customer like this?

Always yours,

--Burger Bitch

 

Burger Bitch In The Barista Hot Zone: Awesome Custys Restore Faith

Fuck me in throat, this past week has been one nut-kicking pain in my special places.

Last Friday, I accidentally got melting hot icing on my left forearm and hand and was rushed to the hospital. I didn’t think they were that bad, but my coworker flipped out and made me go, which I now thank her for. Turned out, they were second degree burns. They feel much better now, but I still have to keep the bandages on for another week.

But now, for the other work fuckeries.

There was another girl hired at the same time I was and she’s a complete moron. Funny thing though, I’ve never met her. She works the afternoon shifts which start at 1PM or 3 PM, so I’ve never met her or even seen her. But the stories I’ve heard are ridiculous, plus, since I open in the mornings, I have to clean up her dumbass messes.

When I came in the other morning, the deli doors were open. So I had to take everything out and throw it away, plus she never preps anything like she’s supposed to. My coworker and I should be able to come in in the morning and only do our stuff, then prep for the afternoon shift. Nope, we have to do everything that she misses, which generally takes us another hour to do. Fucking swell times!

And now, for the customers that made the cut for “Make Darwin Roll In His Grave”

All of these happened on the exact same day, which was fucking ridiculous. First off, I was in a terrible mood because my alarm clock woke me up RIGHT in the middle of my awesome dream about Alexander Skarsgard, which I found rude. And it was just one of those days where every little thing you try to do, goes completely to shit.

The first customer of the day came through DT. My coworker answered it, and the customer asked her to name off EVERY single type of muffin we have. This happens at least 5 times a day because, as we all know, customers can’t read. My coworker listed them all off to the woman, but when she was finished, the woman said “Uhm. Wow. How about we try that again, but SLOWER?”

My coworker didn’t even list them fast; she listed them at a normal pace. So she had to name them all off again, the woman finally chose what she wanted and drove up. My coworker went back to her prep work so I collected for the order.

Me: “Morning, your total is $2.54.”

Woman: “Were you the one who took my order?”

Me: “No, that was my coworker.”

Woman: “I want to complain about her.”

Me: “Well, my manager doesn’t get here for another hour, but if you come back then, you can talk to her.”

Woman: “Well, I want to complain! She talks way too fast! It’s six in the morning, she shouldn’t be allowed to talk that fast!”

Me: “… Your total comes to $2.54.”

The woman handed me $3.00, so I gave her back the 46 cents and handed her the order.

Woman: “I gave you $3.00!”

Me: “Yes..?”

Woman: “You only gave me back 46 cents!”

Me: “… Yes?”

Woman: “HURGH. WHATEVER.” And then she drove off into the night, and hopefully into a lake.

I told my coworker what the woman had said, and for the rest of the day, whenever one of our awesome regulars came in, she would say, very slowly “Hi, how… Are… You…?”

Now, the next customer just blew my fucking mind. We don’t have any chairs or anything; everything is strictly To-Go. And yet, every now and then, we get a customer that asks for their food to go.  But the other day, a woman ordered a sandwich and a coffee, no problem. But then, while I was making her coffee. “That’s to go!” Then when I handed it to her “That’s to go, y’know!” Then when I was making her sandwich “Make sure that’s to go!” So I finally said “Yes, ma’am, everything is to go.” Then when I collected “My order was to go, right?”

And of course, custy’s still don’t understand the fucking concept of “WE’RE CLOSED.” Do I have to walk around with a giant sandwich board that says “HEY, ASS-STAIN. WE’RE CLOSED. SO FUCK RIGHT OFF BACK TO THE WHOLE YOU CREEPED OUT OF.”

I was just starting work the other morning at 4:30 AM (We don’t open until six), as in I was literally just walking into the store, and there was a customer standing at the counter. I walked to the back and Awesome!Girl told me “Don’t even ask, I told that guy that you weren’t even open until 6 and he’s been standing there for a good five minutes.” Swell. I went out to start the coffee machines and the toaster, when the guy looked at me and said “A BLT please.”

Me: “I’m sorry, we’re not open until six.”

Dumbass McHelmet: “A BLT please.”

Me: “I’m sorry sir, we aren’t open until six.”

Dumbass McHelmet: “I want a BLT.”

Me: “… I’m sorry, we’re all out of bacon, but we’ll have more at six AM.”

Dumbass McHelmet: “OH! Ok then!”

Awesome!Girl: “… Why didn’t I do that?”

Now, two awesome customers to restore your faith in humanity.

I was making a woman’s sandwich the other morning when she said “I’m sorry, but do you know how adorable you are?” I almost shat my pants. All I could say was “Oh! Well thank you very much!” She told me to have a great day and left me an awesome tip.

And just on Friday morning, we weren’t open yet but I was waiting for a new pot to brew so I could fill the thermos that sits on the counter when we’re closed. A man comes in, probably late thirties, leather jacket, ponytail and rubber boots.

Man: “Good morning, darling! How are you?”

Me: “Vertical and above ground, you?”

Man: “About the same! I see we’re just waiting for a new pot, so I’m just going to pay over at the gas station and then run to the washroom.”

Me: “No problem.”

I saw that he already got his sugar and cream ready for his coffee, and since I was finished all of my prep work, I just made the coffee for him and set it on the counter.

Man: “Oh, hon, you didn’t have to make it for me!”

Me: “It’s fine, I’m finished all of my work, and you look like you’re heading to work, so I figured ‘Why not?”

Man: “You’re a doll! You have a great day, darling!”

And he left me a $1.50 tip for a $1.40 cup of coffee, plus, he apparently called my manager later on in the day to say that I was the nicest lady he’s ever met and that him and his boyfriend plan to come back a lot because “My cute smile made his day.” WHAAAT?

I almost cried. I’ve never had a customer base that was so nice!

Stay gorgeous, RHU.

--Burger Bitch

Burger Bitch: An Inherited Creepy Old Man and Entitled Bitch Get Told

Jesus Christ in tight leather pants, what the Hell is wrong with people? This week has just been the week of the dumb and the disgusting.

I have no idea why old men hit on young girls. They’re ugly, wrinkly, disgusting old perverts and NOBODY wants to fuck them, but they just keep on coming!

Yesterday, an older man, probably in his early sixties came in ten minutes before my shift was over.

The minute he came in, my manager told me “That guy is a fucking pervert, if he gets crude with you; you have my full permission to tell him to fuck off or be as rude as you want back.”

Apparently he used to come in all the time and hit on the girl who I replaced. He came in and ordered his coffee, but when I handed it to him, he said “Wow! Why do all the really hot girls work here?” and he grabbed my hand.

I immediately snapped my hand away and said “I don’t know, why do all the gross, old perverts come here?”

He scoffed at me as if I just punched him in the face, which I fucking should have, and walked out. The guy behind him in line came up and said “I won’t hit on you, I just want a coffee, please and thanks.”

*    *    *    *

Now, onto the downright stupid and the ignorant assholes.

A woman came in a few days back and ordered a bagel with cream cheese. I got that ready for her, gave it to her and she was on her way. About two hours later, she comes back and demands to know who made the bagel for her. There were only myself and my coworker working that day AND the dumb bitch stood in front of the counter in front of me as I made it, but apparently she couldn’t remember who made it for her. I told her I did and she said “Honey, you didn’t put enough cream cheese on this! I had to drive an hour all the way back because you messed up my order!”

First of all, don’t ever fucking call me “honey.” Unless I know you, you have absolutely no fucking right to call me “honey.” Second, you were standing RIGHT THERE, if you wanted more cream cheese on it, you could have fucking asked for it, I put on the average amount, if you wanted extra, you should have fucking asked. Third, who the fuck would drive an hour back just to complain about cream cheese? Who is that fucking retarded?

I told her that I would remake it for her, but I also told her that she was standing right there when I made her bagel, and I asked her if the amount was sufficient. However, my asshole coworker told my manager that I don’t know how to properly make a bagel. Good thing my manager isn’t a dickweed, but still.

*    *    *    *

There’s a couple that comes through Drive Thru a lot and they’re always rude to me. But they’re really pleasant and polite to everyone else, even my manager noticed it. The other day, the girlfriend came in to the store by herself and was once again, rude with me. I’m not sure what she has against me, considering I’m always nothing but polite to her. She took her coffee without a “thank you” or a “have a nice day.” A few seconds later, she came back in and was freaking out at me because she dropped her coffee. Evidentially, that’s my fault.

I told the dumb cunt that it wasn’t my fault that she dropped her coffee, but I’ll get her another one. That was when my coworker stepped in;

Coworker: “That’ll be $1.60”

Snarglecunt: “What!? YOU CAN’T CHARGE ME FOR ANOTHER COFFEE!”

Coworker: “Yes, I can. It’ll be $1.60”

Snarglecunt: “This is absolutely terrible! I drop my coffee because of HER and you’re going to charge me for another coffee!?”

Coworker: “It’s not our fault that you dropped your coffee.”

Snarglecunt: “WELL IT’S NOT MY FAULT!”

Coworker: “Here’s the thing, if you weren’t so rude to my coworker every time you come through here, I wouldn’t have charged you for the replacement coffee.”

She got so mad that she started screaming and continued to do so all the way out to her car. If that bitch comes back, I’m going to start charging her extra for being such a twat.

With lube;

--Burger Bitch

 

Burger Bitch: Life As Barista Bitch and Unexpected Awesome Custys

Hello, my beauties! I sincerely hope everyone out there in Retail Land is doing well!

I really wanted to give everyone an update on my new job; I have a few dick customers and one really awesome one to tell everyone about.

First, my new job is actually going really well so far. My only problem is trying to get my sleeping schedule to work for me since I work 4AM-10AM or 12PM, no matter what I’ve tried, I just can’t get to sleep until 10PM or 11PM and I have to be awake at 3 AM, but I’m sure I’ll figure something out.

So far my favourite thing has to be the tips though, I actually get so many tips that I’ve hardly had to reach into my actual paycheck to pay my bills. The only bad part is that occasionally I’ll go to Timmie’s after work and the cashier almost always gives me a dirty look when I whip out my baggie filled with fives and tens. I even heard a customer behind me last week say “Oh my God, that doesn’t shout ‘Stripper’ at all.” Bitch, can you see my B-Cups? No? And that’s exactly why there’s no way I’m a stripper! 

My coworkers are so far… ok. There’s one teenage girl who looks like a smaller version of Regina George, except a lot less hot. She’s basically the type of girl that a lot (Mostly me) hated in High School, the super pretty one who all the guys loved, even though she was a horrid cunt. She just barely comes up to my tits, and I’m only 5’6 and she has the “I’m awesome and hot so fucking deal with it” attitude. She’s constantly rude whenever I ask her a question and always looks at me as if I just asked the most ridiculous question in History. Don’t be a bitchfuck, I’m new, I need to ask questions. Maybe next time I’ll just pick her up and hurl her into traffic, the short little fuck.

And we have a fair amount of stupid and gross customers as well. We had a woman come in a few days ago and ask what was in the Ham, Egg and Swiss. 

My coworker and I shared a glance and said in unison “… Ham, Egg and Swiss.”

But the woman didn’t want that, so she asked what was in the Sausage and Egg. And so and so forth, for about ten minutes.

But here’s the fucking cherry to top this Shit Sundae. I handed her the bag that her sandwich was in, she pushes the bag back to me and tells me to close the bag for her. It was already folded down, but it came undone slightly. She had enough energy to shove the bag back at me, but not to fold the top. Really?

And when we’re closed, we place a huge thermos beside our little closed sign and the gas station employees refill it every hour, so it’s self-serve and they can pay for it at the gas station. Earlier today, I was setting up the donuts when a guy walked up the counter and asked for a coffee. I told him that we weren’t actually open for another hour, I was just here setting everything up, however I had just put new coffee in the thermos and all he had to do was grab a cup, put it under the spout, and push the button. There was also cream, sugar and everything beside it.

He got horribly angry and started ranting about how he was just going to go to Timmie’s then because why the fuck should HE have to get his own coffee when SOMEONE ELSE could get it for him.

I just said “Alright, have lots of fun” and shuffled off to finish my work. But then I thought, it would take more energy to get back into your fucking car and drive to Timmie’s than it would to stand there and take the 30 seconds to pour your own coffee… Whatever.

Before I tell you about my favourite customer, I have a gross one for you.

On Tuesday, I woke up and realized that I REALLY needed to do laundry, needless to say, I wore some fancy undies. About half an hour before my shift was over, a guy gave me a five dollar tip and was really polite, so I just thought “Aaws, what a nice dude.”

Unfortunately, not even a minute later, my awesome coworker comes up to me and says “I love you… and your sexy undies.” Yup. My sexy undies were showing. No wonder the guy wanted a donut off the bottom shelf. Maybe I should start wearing them more often; I could save up for College in no time!

Now, Awesome Man!

We have this regular guy who comes in almost every day and always orders the same thing.

Why do I love him?

First, he has a very nice Irish accent. Second, he’s SO polite. I just love it.

He always comes in and says “ G’mornin’ darlin’! How are ye?” we shoot the shit for a few minutes if it’s not busy and he ALWAYS says “Might I have…”

Which I’m not sure why I love it, but I just do, probably because not a lot of customers are polite when they order at all, or because he sounds like a leprechaun.

He looks a bit like a dirty redneck, but he works in construction so he’s usually messy anyways, and he always has a toothpick. Plus today, I noticed his fly was down, so I just said “Hey bud, you’re flying a bit low.” And he tipped me 4$ (he usually tips 2$) because, and I quote “My, you have quite the set o’ balls on ye, miss. I like it! Nobody else would have told me. They would have just let me walk around with the curtain open!”

Until next time!  

--Burger Bitch

 

Burger Bitch Says Goodbye To Burger Hell

I FUCKING QUIT!

Yup, you read correctly, folks! I quit Cock N’ Balls! I now work at a very small coffee shop inside a gas station, there’s only ever 3 people working there at once and we only have one cash that sits in the Drive Thru. So far, I really enjoy it, even though I’ve only worked two shifts, but it’s a really positive environment and the coworkers that I’ve met are extremely nice.

The employees at the gas station part will also come over and chat with us, one woman introduced herself to me the other day when I worked the early morning shift and her exact words were “Hi, I’m Awesome!Lady (Name has been changed) it’s really nice to meet you! Would you like to see some photos of my pet pig?” And yes, she actually has a pet pig, his name is Porky, which she hates but she didn’t name him.

I’ve met all of my managers and ALL of them are awesome. One is Victoria’s Secret pretty, but she swears like a sailor and has a picture of Fry from Futurama on her office door, the other makes the most obscene jokes I’ve ever heard in my life, but they’re so funny that you can’t help yourself from laughing, and my main manager is basically a mom to everyone who works there. She was even crying the other day because she’s going to miss everyone who’s leaving for school.

It honestly feels so great to never have to go back to Cock N’ Balls ever again! When my last shift was done, I ripped off my uniform and my hat and chucked them as hard as I possibly could into the garbage and walked out.

Of course my coworker routed for it so he could burn it along with his since he was done the same day that I was. But still. I didn’t even give them two weeks’ notice since my new manager wanted me to start right away, I pretty much just told the Anti-Christ that I was going to finish my shift and then I was finished.

Surprisingly, the Anti-Christ didn’t get upset when I told her I was finished; in fact, she told me that if I ever wanted my job back, I could have it. Yeah, right, that’s like wanting herpes back with a side order of the beer shits.

So far, the only thing I dislike about my new job is the fact that they have about 324573324654864 different types of bagels that all look THE EXACT SAME. I had a bit of a snotty 15 year old high school girl training me the other day, and she looked at me like I was a complete moron when I asked which type of bagel was which. A man in the Drive Thru asked for a toasted cinnamon raisin bagel with butter and cream cheese, so I grabbed the bagel that I saw had raisins in it, which was silly to assume I guess, because the girl grabbed a bagel with seeds and shit on it and told me that one was the cinnamon raisin one.

Then a customer corrected me because he asked for a poppy seed bagel, so again, I grabbed the one with poppy seeds on it, but apparently that was the wrong one too. I’m sure I’ll get the hang of it but it’s a pain in my ass. And I’m sure a lot of you are thinking “Oh, well it’s easy to tell the difference.” But to be fair, I don’t really like bagels so I never eat/buy them.

So wish me luck guys! (:

--Burger Bitch

 

Burger Bitch: Uprising Of The Ballsacks

I sincerely fucking hope that I get a call back from one of the many places I’ve handed resumes into very fucking soon. I swear the customers are getting worse and worse, I don’t know if it’s something in the water or if I have a sign on top of my head that says “Please shit on my face” but whatever it is, I am so fucking done.

Today started off… Ok. I worked with Life!Ruiner, which was just fucking wonderful. The list of things I would rather do than work with her goes from giving Justin Bieber a handjob to wearing undies made of nails and all the way to watching every episode of Jersey Shore ever made, including the extras.

But for the first hour, all the customers were REALLY nice! Plus, about four guys came in, plastered in tattoos and holy Jesus; I just wanted to lick them right off. Sorry, I’m a pervert, but they were hot as Hell. And polite, even.

Then it’s almost as if someone turned the Manner’s Button off because EVERYONE just became a complete ballsack. Along with the IQ Button, because I swear to FUCK.

Woman: “I came in here a few days ago and got a burger with bacon and cheese, what is that called?”

Me: “… A bacon cheeseburger.”

Now the highlight of my fucking day, I screamed at this big, fat, French, fuck who was obviously a short change artist.

He waltzed in and ordered an original burger combo and a bacon cheeseburger on the side. It came to EatMeDollars and GoFuckYourselfCents, I gave him his change (keep this in mind) and sent him down to the garnish station.

However, he then tells me that he only wanted one burger, even though he specifically asked for two. Whatever, gravel-cock, so I fixed it for him and gave him back the money for the bacon cheeseburger he ordered on the side, then he begins to argue;

Him: “I paid with a $20.”

Me: “Yeah.."

Him: “I should get more money back.”

Me: “I already gave you your change, now this is the money you get back because I had to fix your order.”

Him: “So I paid $20 for one combo!? THAT’S FUCKING RIDICULOUS.”

Me: “… What? No. I already gave you your change, but you said that you wanted two burgers then changed your mind, so I had to fix it, now that’s the money you get back from the burger you ordered on the side.”

Him: “NO. I PAID WITH A TWENTY. I GET MORE MONEY BACK, ARE YOU ACTUALLY THIS STUPID?”

Now, this is where I realize that he isn’t just a douchebag, he’s a short-changer. I started laughing because my manager and I had JUST spoken about short-change artists the other day and she said that they generally seek out the person who looks the most vulnerable. LOL CHOSE WRONG, COCKSUCKER.

So I replied with “YOU DON’T GET ANY MORE MONEY BACK, THIS IS WHAT YOU GET. EITHER YOU DON’T HAVE BASIC MATH SKILLS, OR YOU’RE TRYING TO GET MORE MONEY. HOW ABOUT YOU STAND RIGHT THE HELL HERE WHILE I GET MY SUPERVISOR!”

I called her up to the cash so she could deal with him, except that, even though I love her to death, she’s a bit retarded. She just gave him the money back! Even though I TOLD her that I already gave him his change and he’s just completely fucking us over. Then later in the day, she tells me that the till is short over $10.

When I walked in this morning, my manager told me that it was a short change artist because he hit two other stores. Way to be, you dumbfuck.

*    *    *    *

Friday night was a fucking complete disaster as well.

We weren’t that busy for a Friday, which was really nice for a change, but I had two customers in a row that ruined my fucking night. The first customer comes through and orders an original combo with a Diet Pepsi, a cheeseburger combo with a Pepsi, an original by itself, and a double cheese also by itself. I read the order back to her at the speaker to make sure everything was correct and ready to go.

I collected, garnished the order, handed it out, and she says “There should be another drink, I ordered three combos.

Me: “No, sorry, I have two combos; an original combo with a Pepsi, a cheeseburger combo with a Diet Pepsi, a double cheeseburger by itself and an original by itself. –shows her the receipt-“

Her: “NO! I ordered THREE combos and I WANT THREE COMBOS.”

Me: “-Bitchy tone right back to her- Ok. I’ll just re-ring it in then.”

Her: “What!? No. I’m not going to pay for it! It’s not my fault. It’s the law that if it isn’t my fault, I don’t have to pay for it!”

Me: “No. You order food, you pay, you get food. That’s how restaurants work.”

Her: “NO. I ORDERED THREE COMBOS AND I WANT THREE COMBOS. I AM NOT PAYING FOR IT.”

Me: “I don’t get paid enough to deal with you, let me get my supervisor. –slams window-“

My supervisor was wearing a headset when I took the order so she knows that the woman only ordered two combos. When she went to deal with the TaintSucking Shebeast, the woman told her that she offered to pay for it and was very polite to me but I was so rude to her and she wanted compensation.

Of course my supervisor heard her screaming at me all the way from the back, so she told her to basically suck it. The woman however called head office and complained about me, which is just swell.

The very next customer was an older woman who ordered just a cheeseburger, my coworker garnished it for me and set it on the counter by the window. As I was collecting, the woman said something to me, but I didn’t hear her, mostly due to the fact that I’m wearing a headset and there was a FUCKING WINDOW IN THE WAY. I leaned out and said “Sorry, did you say something?”

The woman then said “Wow! You’re really NOT good at the whole listening thing, are you?” and rolled her eyes at me. At this point I was so fucking angry that I just said “Guess not” and closed the window without giving her the food. I just walked away and asked my coworker to give it to her. Apparently the woman asked why I was so rude and my coworker said “She’s allergic to people with no manners. HAVE A NICE NIGHT.”

Now, I have a story for you that nearly made me piss myself. I worked with Stoner!Boy last night and we were shooting the shit about the most idiotic customers we’ve ever had, and he told me this story:

He was working a few weeks back on cash when this really gorgeous blonde girl came up, of course he was thinking pervy thoughts and such, but we’ll skip all that. Anywhom, she asked for an onion ring.

Stoner!Boy: “Sure, let me just punch that in for you.”

Girl: “Oh! Nono, just give me one.”

Stoner!Boy: “I can’t just… give you an onion ring.”

Girl: “No, not an order, I just want one onion ring. There’s no calories if I just eat one.”

Stoner!Boy: “Riiiiiight.”

Until next time!

--Burger Bitch

 

Burger Bitch's Freaky-ass Friday From Hell

Look who’s back again! Yeah, it’s me. I feel like I’m spamming you guys, but I just NEED to bitch about how ridiculous Friday was.

I almost walked out after only being there for an hour, I didn’t because I just can’t afford it, so instead I ended up sobbing on the grill for an HOUR until anyone gave two shits enough to notice.

Now, I’m one of those people who NEVER cries in front of people EVER, nor do I cry unless I’m terribly upset. So, back story time!

I started at three and everything was a complete disaster, it was busy all day and continued to be busy until we closed, it was fucking retarded. When I started it was myself, Awesome Supervisor #2, Hotboy!Supervisor and the recently renamed Kiss-Ass McFuckrightoff (Unfortunately, Awesome VonBadass isn’t awesome anymore.) My manager was there as well, but she was just getting some dishes finished at the back.

We got a line-up and DT went off, since I was trying to do cash and DT while AS #2 was on garnish and Hotboy was in kitchen, I yelled back to Kiss-Ass to grab cash. He didn’t answer. I yell back again. Still no answer. That’s when Hotboy tells me that he hasn’t done jack fucking fuck-all all day other than kiss our manager’s ass. So I had to do DT, DT Garnish, cash, and try to help Hotboy in the kitchen.

I took ONE DT order and when I turned back around, there was yet another line at cash, so I shouted to Kiss-Ass at the back that we NEEDED him to come up, and this is when he responds “What do you want me to do about it? I’m busy.” Are you fucking joking? I had to run around doing a thousand things at once for over an hour and I was so pissed off that I told my manager if I could get a ride home, I was going to leave because I was just fucking done.

She told me to hold on for a bit until my break and we would talk about things. Fine. That’s ok.

I took over grill at 4:30 and between then and my break at 6:30, Kiss-Ass screamed at me twice. I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned it in my other posts, but I have an insane fear of loud noises, so if/when someone screams or yells at me, I get shaky and nauseous and overall freak the fuck out. The first time was when I accidentally slammed down a pair of tongs, I didn’t mean to, I was just tired and thought the counter was closer to me than it really was, so it sounded like I slammed them. Kiss-Ass screamed “EITHER YOU GO SIT THE HELL DOWN OR YOU CALM DOWN!”

He shouted it so loud that all the customers and my coworkers on Front Line were staring at me like I had a dick growing out of my neck. I started crying then because I felt like I was going to throw up but I couldn’t leave the grill because we were lined up to the door.

The second time was when he finally noticed that I was upset, so he told me to go take a break. But at this point I had so much to do, including refilling my meat fridge and make gravy. Plus, I knew if I went to sit down, I’d just focus more on how pissed off I was and would probably have left. I told him politely that I was doing fine; I was just going to finish off the last few orders and organize my kitchen. Out of nowhere he just loses his fucking tits and shouts “NO! I TOLD YOU TO GO TAKE A BREAK NOW!”

At that point, I was just fucking done, so I turned around, got right in his face and told him “If you yell at me one more FUCKING time, I am going to punch you so hard in the FUCKING mouth that you won’t be able to kiss –Managers- ass EVER again.”

When I turned around, I saw HotBoy giving me an air high-five and my manager laughing, which was amazing. Kiss-Ass just glared at me like I just told him his mother died or something, which I couldn’t give a single fuck about.

However, my manager took me into her office and told me that I’m getting a 50 cent an hour raise next month. And then proceeded to tell me how much she HATES Kiss-Ass.

And now, for some lulz to lighten the mood. Awesome Supervisor #2's mother was there to pick her up, they were going to a big family reunion out of town, so she was here a bit early. When it died down, I was talking to her mom for a bit when she asks where the washrooms are, I tell her and go back to wiping down front line and such. She comes back laughing her ass off and says "OH GOD. YOU WILL NEVER BELIEVE THIS OH GOD."

I ask what happened and she said that as she was washing her hands, a GUY came out of the other stall! She kind of stopped and stared at him for a minute and before she could say anything, he said "There was a super creepy guy in the men's washroom, he wasn't even peeing, but his dick was out. I'm really sorry, but I needed to pee ASAP." AS #2's mom told him that it was totally cool, and apparently the guy said "Oh, and I put the seat back down. Gotta have respect."

Love all of you!

--Burger Bitch

Burger Bitch's Deep-fried Week From Hell

I know what you’re all thinking “Burger Bitch, back so soon?” But I just need to rant a bit.

Things at work have been getting so fucking ridiculous that every shift I go in for, I just want to turn around and walk right the fuck back out.

First off, I found out that one of my coworkers who was hired on the exact same day as I was makes a DOLLAR MORE AN HOUR THAN I DO. What? That doesn’t make any fucking sense! Plus, I do at least 20x the amount of work that she does, I stay late, I come in early if asked, I do extra cleaning, and all she does is bitch and moan about everything she has to do.

Then last week, I was volun-told to work this Sunday, so I did and it wasn’t that terrible, but I looked at the schedule and I also work all week. I have to work shifts longer than Ron Jeremy’s dick 6 days in a fucking row. My manager doesn’t even ever work five days in a row.

And before I left work today, I told my manager that my dad was out of town on Friday, so my mom was coming into town to give me a ride home after work, meaning that if it’s busy on Friday and my closing duties aren’t finished by 10:30, I have to leave anyways. She rolled her eyes at me and warned me that I might get written up for it. What the fuck!? I stay late EVERY FUCKING FRIDAY, sometimes even until one in the fucking morning to get all of my shit done, yet the ONE time that I HAVE to leave at my scheduled time, she freaks out.

I’ve been handing out resumes everywhere but there’s just nothing in this shit town of mine.

And now, my fucking coworkers! I am honestly ready to rip one of their heads right off and give it to a trucker to use as toilet paper. I had to open with Stupid McLooksatmytitsalot and my fuck is he a Goober. He asked me how to turn the shake machine on this morning. He has worked there for FIVE years and he asked me how to turn the fucking shake machine on.

Plus, he makes so many inappropriate jokes that it makes me want to barf, and yet he hasn’t been fired for them. The other day I was in the fridge doing my meat count and Stupid says “I’m coming in” over the headset. When he walked in he said “But girls can feel when guys “Come in”, right Burger Bitch? Ahaha.”

I actually had to stop what I was doing to make sure I heard correctly. And when he was still laughing I looked up and said “You’re fucking disgusting. Get out of my face.” I told my supervisor about it, but since he’s only a supervisor, he can’t fire him or write him up, but he encouraged me punching the annoying douchebag in the throat.

Then there’s Life!Ruiner, who my manager just fucking loves and constantly schedules us together. I honestly hate Life!Ruiner so much that when I have to work with her, my stomach starts to hurt and I get nauseous, I just want to toss her into a wheat thresher. But I think that my manager is scheduling us together on purpose, I thought it was just me but even several people I work with noticed it, I work with her ALL the time now.

We also have a new boy who goes into the washroom for 10-20 minutes at a time; we can’t tell whether he’s playing with himself or snorting crack off the back of the shitter. However, the way he works makes me think it’s the latter. I was asked to go up front and help him garnish considering he’s slower than Snooki on Jeopardy, but he just kept taking the orders that I was working on! Eventually I just left him to himself, fuck that noise.

And now, I have a story that made my fucking eyes well up and made me angry as fuck.

My neighbour lost his leg to cancer about a year ago, which is terrible because he’s probably one of the most badass and pleasant people I’ve ever met. A few days ago while I was going for my run, he was just coming back from his walk so I stopped to chat with him for a bit… And pet his adorable Pitbulls. He was talking about how he’s still getting used to the prosthetic but it’s going fairly well, which is great.

We shot the shit about my work and shitty customers when he told me this; A few months back he went to Wally World to grab a few groceries, he had his cane and was a few feet away from one of the mobile carts when some fuckface sprinted to the last one and took off. So my neighbour shouted “Thanks, bud! Glad it went to someone who needed it, you cocksucker!”

Honestly, I cannot fucking believe that people are still THAT fucking rude.

Love all of you,

--Burger Bitch

 

Burger Bitch: Worst F-ing Hell Day Ever

Fuck me hard and dry, yesterday was quite possibly the worst fucking day I have ever worked in my entire life. I was so close to walking out that my manager had to take over for me because she thought that I was going to rip a customer’s throat out through their ass.

I was actually fairly excited to work yesterday because it was my first time out of the kitchen in MONTHS! However, of course the one day that I have to deal with customers and every single fucking one of the bastards are pure prickzippers.

The very first order I took in Drive Thru was a Crispy Chicken combo with a large ring and a Pepsi, along with an original burger with Swiss Cheese. All together it came to around fifteen dollars, but when I told him the total he said “There’s no way that’s correct. I can’t afford that!”

Me: “The Crispy Chicken combo is $8.whatevercents plus the extra whatevercents for the Large onion ring. The original burger is $3.99 and the Swiss Cheese is 70 cents.”

Him: “But, that’s ridiculous! I can’t pay that! I didn’t even order a $3.00 burger!”

Me: “Yes, you did. You ordered the original with swiss cheese. If you can’t afford it I can take the burger off or change the large ring to a regular.

Him: “No! I want the large ring; I just don’t want to pay for it! And I didn’t order an original burger!”

Me: “Ok. So you just want the Crispy Chicken combo then?”

Him: “No! I want a burger too!”

Me: “-sigh- Ok. So what you’re telling me is, you want the large rings but you don’t want to pay for it, and you want a burger that you told me you didn’t order?”

Him:  “Yes! HOW HARD IS THAT!?”

When he drove up to the window, he was driving a brand new Lincoln with an iPad in the passenger seat. But yes, you can’t afford fifteen dollars, you fucking cock-socket.

We got smashed during lunch and ran out of tomatoes, so when I started helping Thin!Lizzy garnish, the tomatoes that were at the garnish stations were the only ones we had.

The first customers I garnished for were an older couple who were completely rude from the moment I said “Hello” to them.

Woman: “You’re out of toilet paper in the women’s washroom.”

Me: “Hokai, I’ll get on that as soon as I can.”

Woman: “I think you can do it NOW.”

Me: “Ma’am… there’s a line to the doors, I can’t right now.”

Woman: “I’ll complain about this, I assure you.”

Me: “Cool. So what would you like on your hot dog?”

Woman: “Just mustard.”

Me: “Alright. –wraps it up and puts it on the tray-“

Woman: “I SAID I WANTED ONIONS TOO!”

Me: “… No, you didn’t. But I’ll put some on for you.”

The next two customers I had complained that there weren’t enough tomatoes and demanded that I go get some. I told them that there were absolutely none ready so these bowls were all we had until someone had enough time to wash and prep some. One even said “I DON’T PAY FOR THIS! GO GET ME MORE TOMATOES RIGHT NOW!” And at that point I was so angry that I said “NO! YOU EITHER TAKE THESE TOMATOES OR YOU DON’T GET ANY TOMATOES! UNDERSTAND!?”

But this last customer REALLY fucking broke my patience level.

I called out an order that was two originals and two orders of fries. An older man came over and told me what he wanted on the first burger, then he says “That was a cheeseburger, right?”

Me: “No, the order is two originals and two fries.”

Dirty Asshole: “You’re kidding me, right? You just had me garnish an order that wasn’t even mine!”

Me: “I called the order out and you claimed it, that isn’t MY fault."

Dirty Asshole: “I CAN’T EVEN BELIEVE THIS!? CAN YOU EVEN READ!?”

Me: “Can you even be polite? I called out the order and YOU claimed it. That isn’t MY fault!”

At this point I was shaking and Thin!Lizzy even told me that if I just garnish the order for the people it was meant to go to, I could go sit down.

And guess what? The people complained about tomatoes. They complained so much that I just left their burgers at the garnish station and went to sit down at the back.

There’s a comedian named Tim Nutt who once said that ignorance should be painful. Every time someone says something stupid, they should get a little brain freeze type of headache. I honestly think the world would be a much better place if this were true.

You gorgeous beasts keep me sane.

--Burger Bitch

 

Burger Bitch's Custy Awards For The Ridiculous and Amazing

I swear that you guys are the only people keeping me from pulling an Adolf and rocking a dumbass Holocaust.

First of all, I went to visit Awesome Supervisor #1 and her baby girl the other day and I AM IN LOVE WITH HER. She’s absolutely gorgeous and when she toots, she giggles, and that gives me many happies.

However, work has been a right hard cock up my lily-white ass.

Let’s start off with scheduling, shall we?

We had two cooks leave recently, one walked out because she’s an over-dramatic merkin, and the other was fired for being a drunk moron who will soon wake up dead on the floor of some dirty bar’s bathroom. Neither of which are a huge loss, however, that only leaves myself and Stoner!Boy for cooks. The supervisors can cook as well, but they’re not supposed to be in the kitchen, since they have to “supervise.” So Stoner!Boy has been on constant opens and I’ve been on constant closes, which means I’ve had to miss quite a few karate classes and my hands are starting to look like Freddy Kreuger.

This also sucks my nuts right off because we get busier at night and if I’m not done my kitchen close by the time my shift ends at 10:30 PM, I HAVE to stay to finish it otherwise I get written up. So I end up having to stay as late as midnight! Some of you might me thinking “Oh, well, extra money right?” Yeah, but I’m fucking tired and I just want to go hoooome.

And now for the ridiculous custy’s of the week awards!

Award number one goes to the asshole who complained to my supervisor that we wash our hands too much. Are you joking? Fine, let me itch my ass and then touch your burger, skullfuck!

Award number two goes to the teenage cunt who freaked out at me because I couldn’t hear her order from the passenger side. Oh, and when you demanded it to be “Lightly done” at the window in that rude town, I just “accidentally” heard it as “Well done” and made sure the Stoner!Boy burnt the fuck out of it.

Award number three goes to the old woman who made me want to burry my face in a pile of flaming shit.

Her: “I want a burger.”

Me: “Sure, which burger would you like?”

Her: “The one I’m looking at.”

Me: “Ma’am.. This is the Drive Thru, I can’t see which burger you’re looking at.”

Her: “How can you be so rude!?

However, I have an Amazing Custy award to give out.

A man and his small son came into the restaurant the other day; his son was probably three or four.

I walk up to cash to take his order before I take over kitchen when I heard his son say “Daddy! That girl is so pretty!”

I immediately smiled at the adorable little boy and greeted them. The man then said “She is very pretty!” They were amazing nice and left me a five dollar tip. It kind of mind my entire day (:

Hope everyone is enjoying Gay Pride! I’m off to the parade here next week!

--Burger Bitch

 

 

Burger Bitch: Internet Company N.A.T.'s and Idiot Coworkers

Hello, my RHU babes, though I do have a rant, I have a question to ask, mostly for those of you who work with internet companies.

I have some of you on Facebook and Twitter, so you’ve probably seen my rage-infested tweets/status’, but let’s go through this again. My internet provider starts with an “R” and ends in “Ogers” and they’re fucking me sideways, up the ass, no lube, with a fucking baseball bat covered in wasps. Last month they told me that I went over my limit by 88 GB’s, which I didn’t because I always check how much downloading I’ve used and I’ve never gone over my limit. However, if I had, they’re supposed to send you an email when you go over 5 GB’s, which I never received.

I have unlimited social networking with my plan, and that’s literally all I use, minus a few Google searches for school. I called them to figure this out but they basically told me “LOL NO YOU OWE US 200$ SO FUCKING PAY IT.” I figured I’d just pay it and get it over with, so I scrounged up some money, paid it and put it behind me. Since then, I’ve NEVER used my internet, instead I’ve been going to Starbucks or a friend’s if I’ve needed it, I received my bill a few days ago, and this bill is over $300!

I called them, freaking out (and yes, I yelled at a few people, I’m sorry L ) but understandably, I work a fucking minimum wage job, I don’t have that kind of fucking money just laying around! I told them that this is the second fucking time they’ve done this and I am fucking done, I never go over my limit and I haven’t used my fucking internet since I paid my last bill! The Thunder-fucking Cunt-lick of a woman on the phone treated me like I was a piece of trash, she didn’t even look into it, she just told me I was incorrect, I used up over 100 GB’s and they want my payment NOWTIME.

I asked to speak to the supervisor and explained that I literally haven’t used my internet once since I paid my last bill and they are crooks, I told her that I can’t pay that since I work a minimum wage job and I’m saving up for school, besides, they’re literally fucking me out of this money. I asked for them to send me a detailed bill, which they refused, so that’s sign number one of “LOL STEALIN’ UR MONIES.”

Any advice would do, I can’t afford to pay this and I’m freaking out so insanely bad.

And now, work.

My supervisor had her baby the other day, which is good news! A little girl, 8lbs 8oz and 22 inches long, I haven’t even met her yet and I’m already in love.

The last two Friday’s I’ve closed, I’ve worked with fucking morons and we’ve been lined up to the door throughout my entire shift. Seriously, what possesses people to wait in line for forever then complain about the wait? Hi, fucklife, the line was to the door when you walked in, did you really fucking think you’d be waiting for 30 seconds?

Last week, I worked with a bunch of idiots and Preachy, which was just good fucking times all around. Preachy doesn’t know how to fucking read, apparently, because he continuously read his orders wrong, so I had to re-cook at least 15 fucking orders.

Meanwhile at the end of the night, the supervisors are supposed to help the kitchen closer out a bit since we have so much shit to do, but last week the new supervisor sat in the office and fucked off on his cell phone all night. I didn’t punch out until an hour and a half after my shift was supposed to end.

My entire shift today was filled with customers constantly lined up to the door and me constantly sweating like a pre-teen at a Twilight premier and burning myself.

By around eight I was getting pissed because I hadn’t even gone for my break (I started at three) nor had I started any of my closing shit. I closed with Awesome VonBadass and Stupid McLooksatmytitsalot, Awesome VonBadass did my sweep for me and brought back all my dishes, but Stupid McLooksatmytitsalot left a bunch of shit unfinished so he had to go do that.

Oh, more good news, a customer gave me a $10 tip the other day. His debit card wasn’t working, but I had already made and garnished his burgers, so I just gave them to him and told him not to worry about it. However, he kept insisting that he’d be back later and he would pay. My supervisor just voided it off since the guy comes through a lot and he’s always super polite. Well, he came back later and handed me ten dollars, I told him that his order was already taken care of so he just handed me the $10 bill and said “Then get some ice cream or candy on me!” It pretty much made my entire year.

(Also also also, @Burger_Bitch is my Twitter, just sayin’ =’D )

Thank you for reading!

-- Burger Bitch

 

RHU DISCUSSION: TATTOOS AND CUSTYS

From Swatchbuckler:

I just read the post by the almighty Burger Bitch (a goddess really) about her tattoo and I just have to say I feel you. (Although I am too old for a Manson t-shirt, the last time I wore one was is 1998. Ugh I'm old.)

I have a rather large chest "plate" tattoo that runs across my chest and down to the ol' boobage. At the fabric store, as long as you are wearing pants, you're in. Meaning there is no dress code what so ever. I probably couldn't get away with a bikini (and scare small children at the same time) but I can show my tattoo and it's no problem. I don't do it on purpose but if I wear a certain tops, it shows. 

Many customers have lots to say about my chest, while I understand this is partially my fault because at one time I was young, dumb and 18 years old, but it's getting kind of creepy.

Custys always ask me what it is and usually I make it up because it's on me and mine so blech. Then there are those other customers that want to see the whole thing. Um, no. It goes way past my bra and there isn't enough money or drugs for me to flash you because you have some morbid curiosity of my tattoo. I'm not a monkey and I will not dance. Then they always ask if I have more. Yes, I do have more and no, you can't see them. In fact I haven't seen my back piece in 6 months or so. They will persist until Mmm (the most awesome co-worker of mine) steps in. Some people actually get aggressive.

But the kicker is this costume designer that is opening a new company wants to use the chest tattoo as her logo. She was trying to talk me into taking a photo for her with of course no payment to me. I'm sorry but I drew this tattoo my first year of college when I was all young and angsty and it is my design so NO you may not use it as your logo. Now I am paranoid this crazy bitch is going to steal the design.

Anyway, anyone else have any stories of tattoos and work?

--Swatchbuckler

 

Burger Bitch: Entitled Assholes and Fatties

Greetings, RHU monsters.

I hope the weather is treating everyone nicely, here in Canadaland, it’s been pissing rain for days and I’m starting to forget what the sun looks like.

I have a few stories for you lovelies today, recently there has been a post about being treated differently for the way you look, and I have a great fucking tale about that, so how about we start with that one.

A few days ago, I was at the mall waiting to meet a friend for dinner, however she text me and said that she would be ten minutes late. No big deal, I’ll just wander around a few of the stores and maybe find something cute to buy.

There’s a store in our mall that has beautiful clothes and I would kill for a pair of their gorgeous shoes, but they are outrageously expensive, so occasionally I go in just to dream about buying a pair of their amazing Stiletto’s.

Most of the girls that work in this store are hardcore snobby cunts; they act like just because they work in an expensive store for minimum wage, they’re better than everyone else. I walked in wearing my Marilyn Manson tank top, which shows my tattoo on my back, my black skinnies and my red Chucks.

The two girls working shot me a few dirty looks even after I greeted them; Snobby Bitch 1 comes over and asked if I needed help with anything, I told her politely that I was just looking. Not two minutes later, the second one comes over and asked the same thing, I told her the same thing I told the first one.

I was checking out a pair of decently priced earrings when I heard Snobby Bitch 1 say:

“Did you see her tattoo? I think it’s from like, some gothic movie or something. And she's wearing a Marilyn Manson shirt... Keep an eye on her.”

I set the earrings down and said:

“Actually, it’s from The Crow, you should check it out, great movie. Have a nice day!” and walked out.

Apparently because I have tattoos and like Marilyn Manson, it must mean that I'm a shoplifter.

Great.

And now, worktales time!

As I said, it’s either been pissing rain or hardcore cloudy and stupid for about a week and a half now, I’m getting pretty sick of it since I’m more pale than Bill Compton’s cock and I need to tan like, nowtime. (+100 Awesome points if you know who Bill Compton is.) I was in the kitchen the other day, so I’m still wearing a headset, it was a fairly slow day so I was sitting down for a water break at the back when this dumbass, let’s call him Dick Harding comes through DT.

Supervisor: “Hi, welcome to Cock N’ Balls, may I take your order.”

Dick Harding: “Hi, can I drive up to the window? I’m getting soaked.”

Supervisor: “You’ll get wet even if you come up to the window..?”

Dick Harding: “And what are you going to do about this!? I am getting soaked!”

Supervisor: “May I suggest parking your car and walking into the restaurant?”

Dick Harding: “This is ridiculous, your service is terrible if you won’t do anything about this rain!”

Yeah, apparently we control the rain. Which is pretty cool, or it would be if it were true and this guy wasn’t such a giant boner.

Even my manager said that we should have just told him to fuck off.

Now, does everyone remember my post where a very large woman screamed at my coworker because she couldn’t fit her fat ass into any of our chairs? Yes? GOOD.

The same day, about an hour before my shift ends, it’s just Awesome VonBadass, my other awesome coworker and newly appointed supervisor who we’ll call Thin Lizzy and myself. A very large man and his wife walk into the restaurant.

Now, when I say “very large” I’m talking at least 400-450lbs, while his wife is maybe 120 lbs, which is when I made a very rude joke to my supervisor over the headset about him eating all of her food. Yes yes, I’m a horrible person and I’m going straight to Hell. He comes up to the cash and orders a double original combo with fries and a Pepsi and is very rude. I quickly put his order up and saunter to the back to finish the dishes, when shortly after, Thin Lizzy comes back and asks if we have any chairs that the guy up front can use because he’s screaming that it’s ridiculous how he can’t fit into any of these seats.

Apparently he ranted about how he’s seen people much bigger than him (Which is surprising because I didn’t think he could see over his own breasts. Again, I’m going straight to Hell) and how do we expect people of his “stature” to fit into these seats, it’s discrimination!”

Here’s an idea, stop eating 500 calorie burgers, 200 calorie drinks, and 400 calorie fries and park your ass on a fucking treadmill. He didn’t even return our chair; he just left his huge fucking mess and the chair out in the lobby for us to clean up.

Yes yes, I know that some people actually have medical problems. But here’s the thing, my aunt actually has a medical problem where she’s very over-weight and she can easily fit into our seats, and she eats healthy food instead of disgusting a billion calorie burgers. I’m sick of people like him using his weight to bitch all the fucking time, it’s not our fault that you can’t fit your fat ass into our seats. And the fact that he was hella rude makes me not have a single ounce of sympathy for him.

Let the flame war begin!

--Burger Bitch

 

Burger Bitch: Surprising Injury and Complaining Custys

Hello, my RHU family, I hope you’re all managing to keep yourself sane.

I really want to talk about customer complaints in my rant, however I have a fun fucking story for everyone.

I was walking into the fridge to sit down and cool off after working the grill during a huge rush, when I slipped and fell on something and landed on my ass. But get this, I landed so fucking hard on my ass that it CUT MY ASS OPEN.

Only I could manage to do something like that. I didn’t even realize I fell until I was on the floor and my supervisor was just standing there staring at me “ARE YOU OK? JESUS CHRIST ARE YOU OK?” And then I proceeded to laugh so hard that I cried. But still. I only wish you guys could see my ass right now. It feels like Rihanna. /Had to.

And now, I have some stories about ridiculous customer complaints.

Last week, a woman complained to my boss that I “wasn’t smiling enough and it ruined her experience.”

Are you fucking kidding me? I wasn’t smiling enough? Ok, first off, you’re a cuntprick. Second, does anyone watch The Big Bang Theory? Remember the episode where Sheldon is trying to act like he’s happy for Raj and tries to smile but he looks horrifying?

That’s exactly what I look like when I smile. EXACTLY. Hence why I don’t smile too often. And third, it’s 27C outside, we don’t have AC in the back AND I’m working over a ridiculously hot grill just to make you a fucking burger, cock-skin. So no, I won’t be fucking smiling that often, and I’m sweating on your food. ENJOY.

Another complaint I got recently was for my swearing.

I know right? Burger Bitch never fucking swears, because I’m an innocent, virgin angel. Yeah fucking right. We have a burger called “The Mushroom Melt.” It’s horribly disgusting in my opinion, but a fair amount of people like it. The mushrooms are in some kind of gross sauce that looks like something you’d find on a dead stripper in a motel, we heat it up and put it on the warmer, ergo, it’s fucking hot.

I was making one for some douche-drip customer and when I was putting it up, the sauce and melting cheese fell in between my fingers and hurt like a fuckface. I exclaimed “Ow! Fuck my mother fuck fuck fuck ow fuck!” or something similar and proceeded to go to the back and rinse it off, by then my skin was already bubbling and disgusting. Of course, the customer complained about that.

And yes, I understand that is rude, but HI! I burnt my fucking self! I even have a small scar there now. How about I dump some melting cheese and 180 degree sauce on your hand and see what comes out of your mouth! Sound good? I thought so!

Anyone want to come kiss my ass better? Or no?

--Burger Bitch