Retail Hell Underground

Rude Crusty Throws Tantrum Over Two Pennies, Gets Told By Manager

From: Burger Bitch

Canada has ended the penny. Mostly places are rounding the totals now, my company however, is going another few weeks, just to get rid of the pennies we have. So here's the story.

A guy came through DT today, his total was $6.07. He gave me $11.05.

I thought that amount was weird so I said "Ok, $6.07 from $11.05?"

He nods and I carry on to get him his $4.98 change.

Him: "This isn't the right change."

Me: "Your total was $6.07... you gave me $11.05. Your change is $4.98."

Him: "No, it should be five dollars even."

Me: "No, sir, the total was six, oh, SEVEN. You gave me eleven, oh, FIVE."

Him: "Yeah, but the seven cents means I get five dollars back! Do you even understand your fucking job!?"

Since I had other customers to serve, I simply said "If two cents means THAT much to you, I feel sorry for you, give me back the change and I'll give you a five, because I have others to serve."

That's when he demands to speak to my manager. So grabbed my manager and told her what happened, she even looked at my cash and was like "The fuck is he talking about? You gave him the right change...

So she talks to him anyways.

Her: "Can I help you?"

Him: "She gave me the wrong change!"

Her: "You gave her $11.05?"

Him: "YES!"

Her: "... Your total was $6.07. She gave you the right change."

Him: "Uhm. NO. You're supposed to ROUND the total!"

Her: "Only a few places have implemented that, we're still using pennies, as told to us by head office."

Him: "I do NOT accept your apology!"

Her: "Good, considering I didn't apologize."

And that's why I love her.

--Burger Bitch

Burger Bitch Needs To Rant

Have I mentioned how much I fucking hate people? I have?! Well, let me tell you again, I fucking HATE EVERYONE. Let’s start with my coworker who’s a complete turdwagon.

As most of you know, it was Thanksgiving this past weekend in Canada, and since Burger Bitch is Canadian and likes delicious Thanksgiving food, I tried to partake in some of the tradition. Well, I had to work most of the weekend, but I managed to go to my mom’s house for a nice Thanksgiving lunch before I had to go to work at 3PM. At 11:30AM, I get a text from my supervisor saying “Cunt McLardass wants to know if you want to come in early. Feel free to call and tell her to eat shit.” Now, does everyone remember Cunt McLardass? She’s my coworker who never shows up on time, spends her entire shift eating, smoking, or in the shitter, and whines constantly. Everyone’s memory jogged? Good.

I told my supervisor that I was visiting with my mom and my step dad and we hadn’t even eaten yet, so no, Cunt McLardass could work for once in her fucking life. Supervisor was completely ok with this considering she probably hates Cunt even more than I do. Now, if it were for anyone else, I would have tried to cut it short and come in early, but nobody else would have fucking ASKED on Thanksgiving. Plus, Cunt VOLUNTEERED to work a full shift on Thanksgiving, so she shouldn’t be fucking complaining!

I get to work around 2:45PM and the minute I walked through the door, Cunt looked at me and said “You REALLY couldn’t take an hour out of your life to come in early? My throat hurts.” Uhm, excuse the fuck out of me, bitch!? So I told her “No, because I have family that actually wants me around” and walked off to the back to get my uniform on. Not even a minute later, Cunt shouts that I have customers to serve. At this point, it’s not even 2:50PM, she still has ten minutes. I looked at Supervisor, who told me not to serve the customers until three.

Cunt then CASHED OFF and fucking walked away! So I had to serve customers before I even had the chance to put on my uniform. Even my manager is getting sick of her. When I went into work today, she told me to purposely not do anything, just to piss Cunt off. I loved it.

But now, onto the idiot customers, and believe me, I’ve had a lot.

---

I have no fucking idea why a parent would send their child into a store to get something for them, honestly. Because let me tell you, if you’re a parent, there’s a decent chance that your child is 100% more retarded than you believe.

Twice this week, I’ve had to serve a 6-10 year old kid who knows jack fucking shit about what to order or the value of money. So keep your kids in a cage or something and come in and order yourself.

(Yes, I hate kids. Thanks for noticing.)

But in all honesty, your kid doesn’t know what you want. So just get off your fat ass and come in yourself.

Then, just earlier tonight, I was almost hit by a car. How, you may ask? I was changing the garbage in the DT, right by the menu, and some dumb bitch just pulls right up and comes about two inches away from me. Are you fucking kidding me? If you see someone changing a garbage in the Drive Thru, just go INTO THE FUCKING STORE. Then the lazy cunt got mad at me because I was taking too long to take her order, to which I informed her that if she went in, someone would be glad to help her while I did my job and changed the garbages.

Now, the final thing that’s really starting to get on my nerves; Customers asking me if I have “Fresh coffee made.” I work in a fucking coffee shop, so no, but I have fresh motor oil and abortions ready for you. What the FUCK do you think!? I’m actually starting to answer them with “We ALWAYS have fresh coffee, it’s a coffee shop.” And seriously, we do. We get in crazy shit if we leave the coffee sitting there for over half an hour, so we ALWAYS have fresh coffee. Fucking dipshits.

Thanks for letting me rant guys. In case you’re wondering why I’m more angry than funny in this post is strictly due to stress from school, work AND having idiot roommates. But thanks for letting me have a place to bitch.

A good thing though, a regular told me that I reminded them of Randal Graves from Clerks. Because he saw me tell off a rude customer. Best compliment ever? I think so!

I swear to make more dick jokes next time.

--Burger Bitch

Burger Bitch's Breaking Point

Today was the breaking point, guys.

I can’t fucking handle it anymore. I don’t really have a decent intro, so let’s just dive right into it.

I was supposed to work at 2PM today, but since my boyfriend had his car, I figured I’d just walk to work. It’s a fairly long walk, but I like walks, so I figured I’d be ok. I checked the weather before I left, which I now know to never trust, and it said that it was going to be partly cloudy.

PARTLY CLOUDY MY TINY TITS.

I got caught in a torrential downpour, and I’m not exaggerating when I say “Torrential.” I was fucking soaked, as was almost everything in my bag, including my work clothes. However, I left fairly early, so I ran my lily-white, Canadian ass off to the closest store and called my manager at about 1PM to let her know that I was going to be a little late. She picked up the phone and I explained that I got caught in the crazy-ass downpour, that I had just called a cab, and told her that I was going to toss my work clothes in the dryer crazy quick.

All she said was “Ugh, fine!” and fucking hung up on me.

I went back to my boyfriend’s house and tossed everything in the dryer, this being about 1:10-1:15PM. Since my pants were on the top, they got most of the rain, my shirt and apron were dry, but my pants were still soaked. My manager TEXTS me at 1:30PM (Super professional, right?) and asks me how late I’m going to be, because she wants to go home.

My boyfriend’s dad was home and had his car, which he allowed me to take to work, so I told my manager that I could be there in 10 minutes if it was possible for me to wear a pair of jeans, JUST for today. I explained that my pants were still soaked and everything, and she replied “No.” That’s it. Just no. She’s allowed it for some of my other coworkers, but fuck me, right?

So I replied back “Well, I’m going to be a bit late then. My shoes are also soaked, all I have here is my flip flops.” AGAIN. SORRY THAT I DON’T CONTROL THE FUCKING WEATHER.

She tells me that I’m ridiculous, then just says “Whatever.”

Bitch, believe me, I’d rather shave Mitt Romney’s butthole than work in flip flops, but this is ALL I HAVE. My pants were finally dry around 1:55PM, and it’s about a 10 minute drive to work.

However, it’s still raining like a whore outside. My boyfriend’s road was flooded and I was probably only doing about 25km/h because it was so hard to see. So I got to work about 2:15. Which really, isn’t that bad, that’s only 15 minutes fucking late.

However, apparently that’s still fucking terrible for my manager, because she took it upon herself to fucking SCREAM at me in front of EVERYONE about how being late is “Unacceptable” and I “Should have called ahead of time.”

Ok, let’s get some fucking things straight.

Everyone remember Cunt? If not, go back some rants and find her. She’s my coworker who ALWAYS shows up late, or even AT ALL, and never calls. Has she ever been screamed at? No. She’s also the one who takes 5 smoke and bathroom breaks PER HOUR, again, not exaggerating. Plus, I called AN HOUR ahead of time. I even tried to get someone to cover my shift, but nobody could. And another thing, I have an insane fear of loud noises, this includes being screamed at. It gets so bad that I get sick to my stomach. She screamed at me for a good 15 minutes, before I just said “That’s enough” and walked away to barf. 

After she left, my supervisor told me that my manager bitched to her about me in front of customers AND the new girl before I got there. Saying that I was a “Fucking idiot” to even ask to wear jeans. I WAS TRYING TO FUCKING COMPROMISE AND GET THERE FUCKING FASTER. How is that fucking professional? To bitch about your employees in front of customers? No lie, I hope she gets cancer. This was also the FIRST time I've been late and I've worked there a year. I've also never called in sick.

I honestly can’t do it anymore. No job should EVER make you sick. I’ve been handing out resumes everywhere for the past 2 months, but I’ve heard nothing back. I’m starting to give up, I might as well just make myself a battery acid and bleach cocktail, because it would feel the exact same as working at this shit-hole. I even handed in a resume at my old job. Plus, since I’ve been working so much, I’m so behind on my studies that I’m worried I’ll fail and have to re-take it. 

This job has gotten so bad, that my boyfriend wants me to quit and has offered to pay for some of my bills until I can find something else. Which I refused because I HATE taking money from ANYONE, let alone him, but I’m honestly contemplating it. He makes good money, but still. Now my friends are even trying to convince me to quit, I just don’t know what to do.

LHfgdfkuydbsjvd

Thanks for reading, I swear I’ll be funnier next time.

--Burger Bitch

Burger Bitch's Tale of Custy Revenge

I’m not entirely sure if everyone is rapidly becoming more idiotic, or if I’m just wishing too hard for a world filled with intelligent people. Though I do have an awesome story of custy revenge, I need to share the ridiculous stories from this morning.

I understand that it’s Monday and everyone hates their lives today, but there’s really no reason to be a fucking dumbass. The first customer I served this morning asked for a dozen muffins, as usual, I ask if they have specific ones in mind or if they just want them to be assorted. The man said he didn’t care and I went on my way to picking out whatever muffins were closest, because I’m just as tired as everyone else. That’s when he pipes up and says “Uhm, can I pick out my own muffins!?” My coworker on the gas station side looked at me and mimicked the motion of putting on a helmet (No, he couldn’t see it, untwist your fucking panties.) I told him that he said he didn’t care, so I just went ahead, but of course, I was wrong. What else is new, right?

The next customer did agitate me, but I ended up almost laughing on the floor. I was working with Awesome!Manager during the slow period, so we were both shooting the shit and just doing some small cleaning when Drive Thru went off;

Manager: “Hi there, what can I get you?”

Custy: “A double-double.”

M: “Sure, what size would you like?”

Custy: “A double-double.”

M: “Yes, but what size would you like for your double-double?”

Custy: “I SAID I WANTED A DOUBLE-DOUBLE!”

Me: “Sir, what size would you like, we have small, medium and large.”

Custy: “DOUBLE-DOUBLE! JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.”

Me: “Jesus says it’s a small!”

M: “I feel that Jesus would prefer a small coffee, indeed.”

Now, on that same subject, here’s the tale of custy revenge. We have a regular who we would all rather shove a recliner up our asses than ever serve. Every time he comes in, he’s insanely rude and the worst, he lectures us about Jesus. A few weeks ago, he screamed at me over our stamp cards (You buy 9 coffees, you get the 10^th free) because apparently it’s MY fault that HE always forgets it at home. After he screamed at me, he told me I was a “Whore” and I deserved to rot in Hell. Which is fine, because if it existed, all my favourite people would be there. However, he came back in the other night while I was working, which I was ecstatic about. There was a man waiting behind him in line, but this Jesus Freak takes FOREVER to order, even though he always gets the exact same thing.

He started asking me the price difference between a medium and a large (He always gets a large French Vanilla) I told him the prices of each, then he wanted to know what was in EVERY. SINGLE. MUFFIN. I gave him the nutrition sheet and asked the customer behind him what he would like, so I could get it ready while Jesus Freak looked at the nutrition chart. Jesus Freak flipped out at me because I had to serve HIM first.

Me: “Sir, this man has been waiting patiently, I can get his order started while you decide what you want.”

JF: “No, that’s not how customer service works! I was here first, so you serve me FIRST!”

Me: “Fine, sir. What do you want?”

JF: “I don’t know yet.”

Me: -Seriously aggravated- “Ok, then while you decide, I’ll help this customer.”

JF: -He turns to the waiting customer- “If she accepted Jesus, she’d be A LOT more pleasant.”

And that’s when the amazing custy said the most beautiful thing I have ever heard, he looked Jesus Freak right in the eye and said “Go fuck yourself.” I stood there shocked as tits, but happy as fuck. The customer was crazy polite, he ordered his coffee promptly, paid and left me a decent tip. The Jesus Freak was so offended that he started telling people in the parking lot that we were all evil. IT WAS GREAT.

Of course, the story got around work quickly. When I worked on Friday, my manager's husband came in, leaned on the counter and, with a straight face, said “Would you have a moment to talk about Jesus Christ?”

--Burger Bitch

Burger Bitch's Hell Week and Other Fun Tales.

Words cannot describe how pissed off I am, though, I will try. Right now, I would rather listen to Nickelback with Rick Santorum while playing with Justin Bieber’s butthole than go to fucking work at my job. BUT PLEASE, ALLOW ME TO EXPLAIN.

I think I mentioned a few posts ago that when I was hired, I told my manager that I could work weekends, but that I needed a lot of notice because I don’t have my own car and don’t have access to one on weekends. However, I’m working the next 2 weekends in a fucking row, because why the fuck listen to me, right? I told her that I would have to walk from my house to work, which is over 12 miles, and all she said was “That must really suck.” YEAH. YEAH IT FUCKING MUST. My friend from OTTAWA (An hour away) offered to come and drive me to work, but I said no because I felt terrible. And a cab is over $40. Fortunately, my dad doesn’t have to leave for work this weekend until 7AM, but that is fucking RARE, so next weekend? Going to be walking 13 miles. Super swell times, let me fucking tell you.

So that’s just one of the many things that are pissing me off right the fuck now. Next is that I’m working 8 days this week, all starting at 4:30 AM. ALL OF THEM! I haven’t had any more than 2 hours of sleep a night since Saturday. I am so fucking tired that I started petting my fucking sofa this morning because I was positive it was my dog. And I think at that point, even my dog was thinking “Bitch be straight trippin’.”

My schedule has always been the morning shift on Monday and Tuesday then afternoons for Wednesday to Friday, that way I have time for my schoolwork (I take extra courses because I didn’t take Chemistry in High School and want to be a paramedic.) But nope, I just work the morning shift.

I asked my manager why I had to work this ridiculous amount of days (47 hours this week) and she told me “Well, I’m going on vacation and everyone else who can work has kids. And they need time off to be with their kids.” OH. WELL, PARDON MY FUCKING CHILDLESS GENITALS. So, with her logic, because I’m 20 and childless, I have ZERO life and ZERO responsibilities so I can just work all the cocksucking time. Fucking fartass!

And now, the two things that REALLY made me want to choke a fucking newborn. I haven’t booked any days off since NOVEMBER, keep this in mind. I’m getting my wisdom teeth out on July 10^th and I booked that entire week off (My bottom ones are on the nerve, so I’m going to have stitches, so the surgeon recommended a bit more time) and I booked July 7^th off. Let’s start off with the story about the 7^th.

It’s a Saturday, which I should have off anyways, but I booked it off because my friend (Awesome!Manager from my last job, remember the one I spoke of who had dreads and a huge pig that lived in a doghouse? Yeah, her) asked me to babysit her daughter. My friend’s sister is getting married 6 hours away and the wedding is strictly no children, she wouldn’t tell me why, but said that her sister is a weirdo, so I didn’t ask. But anyways, her daughter just turned one and is hilarious and a great baby. Did I get the day off? NOPE.

NO, I SURE DIDN’T! I have no clue what to do, I’m contemplating just not showing up and saying that I don’t have a ride, which I really don’t since my friend is dropping Baby off Friday night. I told my manager that I will literally have to bring a baby to work, even if I find a ride and she told me “Well, nobody else can work.” I took a peek at the paperwork, NOBODY ELSE BOOKED THAT FUCKING DAY OFF. Luckily, Mama!Bear said that her children are with their dad that day, so she can probably take that shift for me. But honestly, nobody else booked that day off, so why the fuck is my manager a cock-knuckle?

Then, just yesterday, she told me that if she couldn’t find someone to work in my spot when I get my wisdom teeth out, I’d have to come in THE SAME DAY AND THE DAY AFTER. Yeah, ok, I’ll only be on laughing gas and percocets, so telling me to come in is DEFINITELY a good idea. I’ll only pour coffee on people and probably try to put donuts in my panties, but please, tell me to come to work. I refused and told her that the students will be out of school and if she can’t find someone, she can work it.

That was a long fucking rant, sorry about that. But thanks for listening!

--Burger Bitch

Burger Bitch's Coworker Uses "The Gay Card."

I don’t even know where to begin, RHU. I’m starting to think that my manager specifically looks for snatchdrains when she’s hiring, because most of the new employees are all fuckwits.

However, I’m going to focus on one that I have a real problem with. He was hired a few months back and when he started, he was… ok. But now, we’re lucky if he even shows up for his fucking shifts, let alone on time. We have no clue why he hasn’t been fired yet, probably because the main manager is too busy looking at herself in a mirror somewhere to give a fuck.

And here’s where my story starts. I’ve never personally had a problem with him, sure he’s a total waste of air and possibly the biggest pricktit on the planet, but he’s never done something ridiculous on my shift, until yesterday.

Whoever is working the night shift on the gas station side has the chore of baking the muffins and the donuts, then glazing the specific ones for us. This takes about an hour and a half and it’s THEIR job. Nobody else has any fucking problem with doing this job; it’s always done whenever I go in for the early morning shift. Yesterday, I started at 5AM (We open at 6AM) and when I went in, I noticed that neither the muffins nor the donuts were set out in the display case, and it wasn’t cleaned.

I walked into the back to find my coworker, we’ll call him Tim, reading some celebrity gossip magazine and listening to music. The muffins weren’t done at all, not even close, and the donuts were still in the freezer, so I asked him why they weren’t done and the following ensued;

Him: “Oh, I didn’t feel like making them, I was really tired.”

Me: “Nobody feels like doing their job, but I don’t have time to do my job as well as yours.”

Him: “Oh, well. Looks like you’re going to have to.”

At this point, he put his earbuds back in and ignored me. He’s a lazy fucking cuntpincher and I was so beyond frustrated that I would have punched a baby directly in the soft spot, but just then, Mama Bear came in. She was supposed to start at 6AM, but I guess she was having trouble sleeping and came in early to hang out with me before we opened. She noticed that nothing was done either, and the argument continues;

Mama Bear: “Why isn’t all of this done?”

Tim: “I told her I was tired, so I just relaxed all night.”

MB: “How about you do your job!?”

Tim: “I SAID I WAS TIRED!”

Me: “Well, I don’t have fucking time to do this as well as all the fucking shit I have to do! Maybe next time you can just pull your usual shit and not fucking show up! You’re a lot more useful when you’re not here!”

Tim: “You just don’t like me because I’m gay! That’s all this is! I’m the only gay person who works here and everyone bullies me!”

Me: “NO, IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE AN INCREDIBLE WASTE OF SPACE! THAT’S WHY EVERYONE FUCKING HATES YOU!”

Apparently, he pulled the exact same thing with my other coworker, whose daughter is a lesbian. When he accused her of being a homophobe, she said “I am? Damn. I better tell my daughter and her amazing wife.” He told my manager that I was being rude to him because he’s gay, and she obviously didn’t believe him, which is good. He even tried it again later on in the shift because I asked him to open the safe so I could get some quarters. I was so fucking angry that I shouted “YOU JUST DON’T LIKE ME BECAUSE I’M WEARING BLUE UNDIES. YOU’RE PREDJUDICE!”

I’m just worried that he’ll try something else and we’ll actually get in shit, and I really don’t want that. The fact that my manager didn’t believe him is a good thing, but I’m just so fucking angry that he even thought about using his sexual orientation as an excuse. It’s absolute horseshit.

Anyone have any advice or similar experiences?

-- Burger Bitch

NC TONY's RHU Store Employee Handbook

Alright, so I promised it and here it is.

The RHU Store Employee Handbook.

Hours of operation:

8am-10pm. At exactly 8am the doors open, at ten minutes to ten a manager and security  guard will man the doors letting people out, but not letting anyone in, no matter how much they bitch.

At five minutes till ten, all customers will be herded towards the front. At 10pm, unless you are in the middle of a transaction the registers will shut down. No later than five minutes after ten the store should be clear of customers (we'll make a final sweep of the store just to make sure) and the doors will be locked, so we can clean
up and go home.

There will be a minimum of four openers/closers and a maximum of six. Security will walk employees to their cars at the end of their shifts. Employees will have their own reserved parking spaces around the corner from the front door, accessible only by a magnetic strip in your name tag (if you've forgotten your name tag then punch in your birth date).

Holidays (all paid):

New Years Eve/Day (January)
Martin Luther King Jr. Day (January)
President's Day (February)
Easter Sunday (April)
Memorial Day (May)
Independence Day (July)
Labor Day (September)
Columbus Day (October)
Close at 6pm on Halloween
Veteran's Day (November)
Thanksgiving Eve/Day/Black Friday (yes, we're closed on Black Friday!) (November)
Christmas Eve/Christmas Day/Day after Christmas (December)
Allowances will be made for religious observances.

Conduct:

At the start of each shift each employee will have to sign out a taser and pepper spray. POS will have a taser, a canister of pepper spray, a clue by four and a copy of "Burger Bitch's Big Book of Insults" all within easy reach under the register. All weapons are only to be used in self defense.

If a customer is verbally abusive to you, you have full reign to be verbally abusive right back. A verbally abusive customer will be given one warning to stop, if they continue to be verbally abusive, tell them to get the fuck out.

If they refuse to leave, page security. They will kick them out. Any customer that says they'll "never shop here again" will have their picture taken and posted by the front door on the "KEEP OUT" board.

Speaking of our registers, there are ten of them, four self scans and six manned, all of which will be manned at all times (except when you go on break). All four self scans and one of the manned registers will be 15 items or less and will cut off and total up automatically after 15 items are scanned.

There is no store credit card to push onto customers. There is a reward program for our nice customers. They get a free card that gets scanned every time they shop. For every $100 they spend, they automatically get 20% off their next purchase. For nasty customers their reward is not getting tazed, sprayed or clued!

Greet customers on the floor with a simple "Hi, how are you?" if you're feeling up to it.

Do not put yourself at risk when it comes to NAT's. That's what our security force is for. Made up of former police officers, military personnel and pro athletes. There will be two in the LP office, in constant radio contact with three on the floor. The two in the office are watching the security cams and keeping an eye on suspected NAT's. Calling them out to the guys on the floor who can intercept NAT's at the front door (or the registers). In a worst case scenario they can chase them down in the parking lot.

If you are off the clock (on break or leaving/coming in) you can help customers as long as they're just asking where something is. If they need help (and ask nicely) page someone to help them. If they're nasty and entitled,
fuck 'em.

All managers will back up the employees first.

We are not babysitters. Children left unattended will be taken to customer service and the parents paged. If the parents refuse to pick up their child after 5 minutes, page them a second time. If another five minutes go by, call the police.

Two employees will be keeping an eye on the four mobility carts at the front of the store. A simple "Why do you need the cart?" will be asked. Anyone who hesitates before answering is most likely thinking of an excuse that's not "I'm a lazy fuck". Someone knowledgeable in service animals will also be at the front doors to only let in service animals. If it's not a service animal, it's not allowed in the store.

Any customer who plays the race card gets hit with the clue by four.

Employee discount of 20% on all purchases (just scan the magnetic strip in your name tag). However, all shopping must be done off the clock.

Dress code:

Jeans and a t-shirt (skirts for the ladies if you want). Just for the sake of decency a clean shirt with no offensive words or pictures (we'll get enough of those from the customers), and clean jeans.

Name tags with the store name on them, but not yours. The default will be just your initials (IE: SW, FH, TS), or a nickname (IE: Burger Bitch, WMDKitty), or if you don't want to use your RHU nickname go for something out of pop culture (IE: Vince Clortho, Throatwobbler Mangrove... props if you get the first reference, super extra props if you get that second reference!) 

Pay:
$10.25 an hour. With annual raises based on performance.

Time off:
45 minute lunch break.

One week vacation after one year. Two weeks every year after. Paid. All requests must be made at least a month in advance so we can cover your shifts.

Since you can never predict when you or your kids will get sick we will make allowances for unexpected illness. If there is a death in the family, we will allow you as much time as you need.

The schedule will be posted two weeks in advance so there is no excuse for no call/no show.

For those of you used to retail life, you should have no problem adhering to these rules and not taking advantage of the freedoms we're allowing you. For those of you new to the retail life, we know not all stores are like this but we want RHU to be a pleasant place to work with no fear of retaliation or discrimination (or any other bullshit) from customers.

Now before everyone tells me what I forgot, remember these are the rules for the employees. The rules for the
customers (coming next) will be even longer.

--NC Tony

Burger Bitch's Schedule Hell And Random Act Of Retail Kindness

Today, my wonderful coworker (Mama Bear) said this to me, “Some people need to wear helmets so they don’t make a habit of licking windows.” And right now, that’s exactly how I fucking feel about my manager.

When I was hired, I told my manager that I couldn’t work weekends, not because I just don’t want to, but because I live out of town and I have NO WAY of getting to work. When I’m at my boyfriend’s, I can use his car or he’ll drive me, but if I’m at home, I don’t have access to a car. My parents are crazy busy on weekends and can’t take time to drive me into town to work. That’s the simple truth. I don’t have a fucking way to get to work on weekends.

Well, I went into work on Wednesday and went over to check my schedule and, lucky me, I see that I have to work the next 3 Saturdays. Immediately, I’m crazy fucking mad. Lately, my manager has been getting really lazy. She just doesn’t give a fuck anymore. She spends more time smoking outside than helping anyone, even if we have to physically go outside and tell her to get her fucking ass inside, she doesn’t care.

I told her that I couldn’t work all of these Saturday shifts because I would literally have to walk to work, which is 16km (Or about 10 miles) and she just said “That sucks, looks like you’re going to have to find a ride. Cool, I guess I’ll just fucking leave my house at midnight if I have to be at work for 8 AM, you fucking thunder-asshole. Then she proceeded to tell me that I’m going to have to work every Saturday from now on. And did I mention that my only day off EVERY WEEK is Sunday? I get one fucking day off every week.

But let’s fast forward from Wednesday to last night (Friday) when I went into work at 1 PM. I found out that my two managers, who were supposed to work 7-3 left at 11AM. Why? BECAUSE THEY WERE FUCKING DRUNK. Really fucking professional. But fucking Moses forbid that any of us are bleeding from the eyes and have a rabid raccoon stuck to our genitals, we still wouldn’t be able to leave early.

Seriously, if I have to walk 10 miles and work 6 days a week, I should be able to bring a cooler filled with beer to work and fucking drink my ass off. Plus, next week, I would have had to work Noon-8PM on Friday then come back and work 5AM to 2PM on Saturday! THAT’S AWESOME. WHO NEEDS SLEEP? Luckily, Mama Bear actually ripped my manager apart and demanded that we switch shifts, so now I only have to work 8-2PM.

And here’s another pleasant little pile of fucking shit. I’m getting my wisdom teeth out in July and the oral surgeon gave me a note saying that I’ll need a week off because my two bottom ones are on the nerve and they have to do something crazy with it, I don’t know. I was tired and not paying attention, not going to lie there. But my manager told me that I’m going to have to come in that weekend.

Uhm. How about fuck no, you fucking cocknose? I am NOT working while on percocets. I don’t care if she writes me up, but I have a note saying that I CANNOT FUNCTION. Better yet, I should go in and break everything.

Pain in my fucking ass.

However, here’s a story to warm your little fucking hearts.

I went to Tim Horton’s this morning (This being my 6^th day and I didn’t sleep because I was too busy trying to do laundry and everything else) my feet hurt, I was bummed out and I looked like shit. I ordered my large double-double from an adorable girl, who I’d say was a little younger than myself. I left a $1 tip in their jar and stood to the side to wait for my delicious, life-saving liquid. When the girl brought my cup over, she said “You looked like you needed a smile. I hope you have a good day, hon!”

And this was left on my cup. It pretty much made my entire day. Thanks, adorable girl!

Burger Bitch's Friday Idiot Parade

Hey, everyone!

Sorry that I’ve been seriously lacking on posting rants, but work has been really, well, boring. Not that I’m complaining or anything, since my manager has me working a lot more afternoon shifts, that way I don’t have to work with my Cunt coworker, but afternoons are very dead.

However, the idiots always tend to come out during the afternoons, especially on Fridays. I was called in early today, which was fine because I could always use the extra hours. But since I don’t usually start until three, I had everything done really early and then just chatted with the girl working on the gas station side and got a bit of reading done.

The first idiot happened to come through DT when I was outside getting some cookies out of the freezer. My headset dinged, and I responded with the normal “What can I get you?” speech. The woman asked me if we had any lemon filled donuts left, so I said “Let me just run inside and check for you.” No problem, until she came to the window.

Her: “I don’t think you should be allowed to smoke at work.”

Me: “Pardon?”

Her: “You were outside smoking, which then made me wait, I think it’s ridiculous.”

Me: “Uhm. I don’t smoke, I was outside in the freezer getting cookies..”

Her: “Whatever, that’s a terrible excuse.”

And she drove off. I have never been more confused in my life. What? And even if I was a smoker, that would be none of her fucking business. What the fuck?

About an hour later, a man comes through DT and orders a large tea. No biggie, I figured that would be an easy order. But of course not. I hand him out his tea and go to collect his change when he says “This isn’t a large.”

Me: “… Yes, it is.”

Him: “No it’s not! I asked for a large!”

Me: “It is a large, sir.”

Him: “I don’t think so, Tim Horton’s larges are bigger.”

Me: “… This isn’t Tim Horton’s.”

Him: “Well, you should have the same sizes!”

And then I proceeded to hand him his change and walk away, he continued ranting for at least 3 minutes.

Now, I have a question for you guys and I hope you can help me a bit. Every week, I have lunch with my two friends at our favourite restaurant however, my one friend is the shittiest tipper ever. Now, I know that tipping isn’t mandatory, but I know what it’s like to have to live off of tips. Plus, if the service is good, they deserve a fucking tip. Last week, AwesomeGirl and I each just had small appetizers and drinks, wince we weren’t very hungry, while BadTipper had a milkshake, a full meal plus dessert. The waitress was very polite, always on top of refills and asking if we needed anything. My bill came to a little over $10, so I left 15$ and about the same with AwesomeGirl, which is fairly decent. However, and this really got me pissed. BadTipper’s bill was 25$ and how much did she leave? $25.75. Seriously

SERIOUSLY!

We’ve even talked to her about it before, but she told us that she just “Doesn’t tip.” When she got up to go to the washroom before we left, AwesomeGirl and I went in search of our waitress and gave her another $3, just because that’s all we had, and we apologized for our friend. The waitress thanked us profusely and said that she really appreciated it.

But I was wondering what you guys would do and what you think? Or should we just leave it? I just don’t even know.

Stay sane,

--Burger Bitch

Burger Bitch: Coworker Sexting Custys and A Parade of Dumbasses

Oh guys, you won’t fucking believe the story I have for you this time.

Since it’s so fucking ridiculous and is making me so mad that I could very well piss wasabi, I’m going to cut right to it.

Recently, my manager has started putting me on after noon shifts because I mentioned that I was getting crazy migraines from lack of sleep. And since she’s so awesome, she took me aside one day and said “You’re my one of two amazing workers, so I don’t want you to leave, so if you don’t mind, I’ll put you on some afternoon shifts.” Which I of course didn’t mind because I got to sleep in and finally have some time to get some shit done.

Well, I realized very quickly that the customers are 500x more idiotic during the afternoon shift, but more importantly, that the tips suck. Now, I’ve mentioned before that I live off of my tips and my paycheck goes straight to the bank and I don’t touch it. That way I can save up for school (Whenever I decide what I actually want to do with my life, y’know) and a car very easily.

When I work in the mornings, I generally walk home with anywhere from $15-30 per day, however the few times I’ve worked the afternoon shifts, I’ve literally went home with less than $3. But what bugged me is I’ve seen the tips that the other girl who works afternoons walks home with, and they’re always upwards of $25. Not to sound arrogant at all, but this girl is unpleasant, impolite and dumber than a box of toenails. When I work, I’m polite and try to make small talk with the customers.

I really started to wonder how she was walking home with an assload of tips and I was getting dick all. Well, I knew that she’s gotten written up twice for taking her apron off and unbuttoning her shirt, so I figured “Maybe I need bigger tits to get tips, but that’s not happening.”

But then, my coworker told me, in a giggling fit of hysteria that Tips McGee was caught by our other coworker SEXTING CUSTOMERS.

WHAT?

Yeah. Apparently she’s been giving out her number to customers and sexting them up and she was BRAGGING about it.  Which is fucking awesome, because I never realized that I work in a coffee house/brothel. So now all I have to do is sext in order to get tips, so I’m a bit fucking pissed about that. Plus, just the other night, three customers came in and asked if Slutty McTroll was working.  

–Shudder-

*    *    *    *

And now for the Darwin Award Winning Customers!

The thing that’s really gotten on my nerves as of late is just the complete and total lack of any common sense. The first customer I had the other afternoon was a man and his teenage son in DT, they ordered a large double double and a large double double with sweetener. So on one lid I wrote a “S” and on the other “Sw.” You’d think that’d be pretty straight forward, right? Wrong.

Old Man: “Which one has sugar and which one has sweetener? They’re not marked.”

Me: “Yes, they are. The “S” is sugar and the “Sw” is sweetener.”

Old Man: “Well, that’s confusing, they could easily be confused.”

Even his son was shaking his head at him. Then, not an hour later, a man came into the store, looked around and asked “Do you serve coffee?”

I honestly thought he was joking, so I chuckled, but he just gave me the stink eye. No, fuckbone, the 3 coffee machines and all the cups and bags of coffee lying around actually means that we serve stem cells.

He ordered an extra large regular and a medium hot chocolate. Note that these sizes differ greatly. I prepare them, put them in a tray and give them to the dipshit dude.

Dipshit: “Which one is which?”

Me: “.. Sorry?”

Dipshit: “Which one is which? I ordered an extra-large regular and a medium hot chocolate, right? So which one is which?”

Me: -Trying VERY hard not to sound sarcastic- “The extra-large is the one in the bigger cup..”

*    *    *    *

Then came the idiot bitch and all of her spare fucking change. A woman came through DT and ordered an Extra Large French Vanilla and cookie, since there was another customer waiting at the counter, I got them together quickly and told the woman in DT her total. That’s when she hands me an entire fucking sandwich bag of pennies and nickels and says “I’m too busy to count it, so if you could just count that to make sure I have enough, that’d be great.” YEAH. FUCKING SURE. NOT LIKE I HAVE OTHER CUSTOMERS OR ANYTHING ELSE BETTER TO FUCKING DO, YOU DUMB BITCH.

I try to count it as quickly as possible and she only has about $1.20 and the total is $3.45.

Me: “You only have $1.20 here.”

Bitch: “Ok, give me a few minutes to get more change out of my bag.”

I figure this would be a decent enough chance to take the customer’s order who has been waiting patiently at the counter. I turn and say “Hey there, what can I get you?” when the bitch in DT shouts “HEY WAIT YOU HAVE TO COUNT MY CHANGE.”

Me: “Do you have the change ready yet?”

Bitch: “No!”

Me: “Then I’m going to take this customer’s order while you get your change.”

Bitch: “No! You have to count my change!”

Luckily the girl who was working on the gas station side came over and took the other customers order. All in all, it took over TEN MINUTES for this lazy fucking cow to get out enough change to pay for her fucking order, and it was almost all in pennies. 2.75$ in pennies, if I remember correctly.

I need to start drinking at work.

--Burger Bitch

 

Burger Bitch: Slacker Coworker Allowed To Be Late and Call In Sick 8 Times

Well guys, today was a complete and utter disaster. However, my awesome coworker and a regular customer made my day.

Now, I have one coworker who is a huge fucking cunt. I literally have no other words to describe her because that’s how terrible she is. She’s shows up late all the time or calls in sick, in December alone, she called in sick eight times. EIGHT FUCKING TIMES. But she never gets in shit for anything. Why? Because my manager has to have permission from her boss to fire someone, and her boss is a fucking buttpussy.

So this morning, I go in at my usual time which is 4:30AM and Cunt is supposed to come in at six. Recently, I’ve had a bitchin’ flu, but I still show up to work because, well, nobody would take my shift because they refuse to work with cunt. One of my coworkers even called me and said “BB, I love you. Like, more than tequila, but just not enough to want to work with Cunt.” Seriously, this is how bad she is. But anywhom, 6:10 rolls around and she’s still not there and it’s starting to get really busy, 6:15 comes and I call my manager and let her know that Cunt is late. Awesome Manager tells me to call her again in 10 minutes if she’s still not there and she’d be right over.

Nope, she still wasn’t there, so I text my manager and she tells me to call in Mama Bear. Mama Bear is by far my favourite coworker. She’s such a sweetheart and I just love her so much. I ask the two people waiting at cash if they could just hold on for one second because I really have to call my coworker in, but they start fucking flipping shit, so I serve them. But as I’m serving them, I start to feel insanely unwell and realize that I’m about to have some serious issues. I serve them as fast as I can, but DT goes off, serve that customer, someone else comes in. At this point, I’m in tears because I need to go to the washroom SERIOUSLY BAD and I don’t have fucking time because my coworker can’t give a fuck enough to fucking come to work on time.

Well, I turn to serve the customer at cash but it’s John Goodman. Not really, but you guys remember the awesome regular who looks a lot like him and bitched at the asshole customer a few rants ago? Yeah, it was him.

John: “Oh no! What’s up, buttercup?”

Me: “I’m feeling really unwell and I really have to go to the washroom but I don’t have time because my coworker is an idiot and comes in late all the time! And I still have to call my other coworker and I’m just freaking out a little bit. I’m so sorry.”

John: “Ok, hon. GO TO THE WASHROOM. I’ll stand here and let customers know that you’re just having some technical difficulties. But seriously, go! Fuck the people in the DT, they can wait!”

I booked it to the washroom as fast as possible and when I came back, John was still standing there, chatting away with the other customers, then he says “They don’t mind waiting, give your coworker a call.”

I honestly wanted to hug the crap out of him. I called Mama Bear and immediately she answered and said “What’s wrong, hon?” Seriously, she has crazy Psychic Mom powers.

Me: “Cunt didn’t show up and I can’t do everything myself and I’m freaking out and just-just-“

Mama Bear: “Oh, sweetie! I’m going to get dressed like a fucker and I’ll be right there! Just breathe!”

I served the other few customers before my manager and Mama Bear came in, then the phone rang. It was Cunt saying “She was going to be late.”

WOW. REALLY? YOU DON’T FUCKING SAY, CAPTAIN RETARDO!

I told her that Mama Bear was already there and hung up, but Cunt still came in. I was still shaking because I was so angry and when I saw her walk in, I had to go outside because I would have flipped at her. She didn’t even have a decent excuse, she just waddled her fat ass in and said “I didn’t feel like getting up this morning.”

NOBODY WANTS TO GET UP AND GO TO FUCKING WORK IN THE MORNING!

When I came back in, Awesome Manager was having a talk with her, but she let me know later that there’s nothing she can do. So basically, in order to get fired, you have to shit in someone’s mouth.

Immediately Cunt starts trying to tell Mama Bear what to do and told her that she shouldn’t have come in and Mama Bear looked right at her and said “Maybe you should get your cow ass here on fucking time so BB doesn’t have to handle the morning rush by herself, you lazy twat.”

I seriously nearly cried out of joy.

And lucky me, tomorrow is my 6^th day working in a row and I have to spend it with Cunt. AWESOME. I should just leave when she gets there and say “Sorry, I don’t feel like working.”

Fucking dickpacker.

--Burger Bitch

 

NC Tony's Retail Slave Wish List 2011

After all the positive feedback I got from last year's list, I decided to make another one for this year. I promised it, so here it is, the Retail Slaves Wish List 2011. This is by no means a complete list, so let me know what I may have forgotten.

Baby pictures: For those of you who don't (yet)/don't want to have children, you can now have wallet sized pictures of adorable babies to carry around. Why? For the next entitled idiot that threatens to get you fired!

Crusty: I don't like the way I was treated, I want to talk to your supervisor. I'm going to get you fired.

You (pulling out baby pictures): Could you do me a favor?

Crusty: What?

You (showing her pictures of adorable babies): Could you explain to my son(s)/daughter(s) [insert appropriate guilt trip such as baby needs an operation, why they won't be getting any presents this birthday/Christmas, basic needs like food and shelter]?

Those of you with children simply need to carry around pictures of your kids when they were babies, even if they are old enough to have jobs and families themselves. If you look too old to have young children simply refer to the angel faced cherubs in the pictures as your grandchildren. Available in boys and girls (mix and match for multiple children to heap on the guilt).

Fake smile: Does your face hurt from having to paste on a fake smile for every entitled asshole that comes through your line? Are you sick and tired of having to grin and bear it when some dickhead yells and screams at you for upholding company policy? Does your jaw ache from having to smile while some fuckface tears into you because you can't do the impossible? Now simply wear a fake smile over your own grimace of anger while your eyes convey all the hate necessary. Available in all skin tones for men and women.

Spawn B-Gone: Hate screaming, unruly children? Of course you do! Now with Spawn-B-Gone you don't have to deal with them. Developed by scientists, Spawn-B-Gone is a odorless gas that flows through the vents into the store and harmlessly puts small children (newborn-toddlers) to sleep. Older children (4 and up) will feel lethargic and listless, and less likely to get into shit. The effects wear off as soon as the children are out in the parking lot. Note: Spawn B-Gone does not actually make small children disappear.

Trash magnet: So there you are cleaning up, and you find an empty Starbucks cup stuck on a shelf. There's a garbage can five feet away. Ever wish you could find the responsible party? The trash magnet (an odorless spray that coats the customers clothes when they enter the store) will force their own trash to stick to their clothes unless it's deposited in an appropriate trash receptacle.

1,001 Ways To Get Revenge: This is more for your coworkers and managers who are out to get you, or prefer to throw you under the bus to save their own ass. 1,001 sneaky, devious, underhanded ways to get revenge on them that can never be tracked back to you. From simple things like keying their car, to kidnapping their pets for ransom. Also going to extreme measures like putting them on the mailing list for the Westboro Baptist Church or hiring an ex-con to rob their house while they're at work. Also available: 1,001 Ways To Get Revenge: Corporate Edition.

Burger Bitch's Big Book of Insults: Tired of calling someone an asshole or a stupid bitch? Let RHU's experts in new curse words give you the arsenal to unleash as soon as Fuckneck McCockknuckle's back is turned. Let that dicktooth know exactly what you think of them, even if you can't say it to their face. Also good for the coworkers described above.

How to Be Condescending and Get Away With It: Along with the Big Book of Insults, this book gives you scathing ways to tell customers and asshole coworkers to fuck off and die without actually saying "Fuck off and die". Now you can let customers and idiot coworkers know exactly how you feel about them without getting in trouble for it. Now you can insult customers intelligence, upbringing, education level, and even their looks right to their face without them being any the wiser that they've been insulted. Special index: 20 ways to flip someone off right in front of their face. Includes the old favorites of scratching your face, adjusting your glasses, and new sneakier techniques of careful hand adjustment so that your middle finger is always pointed at the customer (but not so they'd notice).

Closing Time Stun Doors: It's two minutes to close, and here comes some asshole who decided to wait until the last minute to come shopping. They promise to be "real quick" but you know that "real quick" turns into you staying a half hour past closing time. Well now, anywhere between ten and two minutes to close the doors go into stun gun mode. With all the voltage of a police tazer, anyone waiting until the last minute to come in "real quick" will get a real quick jolt of 50,000 volts (customers exiting will not be affected). Can also be adjusted to stun anyone other than an employee trying to get in before the store officially opens.

Trapdoors at closed registers: Don't you hate it when your register is closed and some brain dead cockslap comes up and dumps their shit on your register despite the CLOSED sign? Well a simple push of a button will render your line closed again as a trapdoor opens under their feet. For those of you who don't want to hurt anyone, the space under the trapdoor can be equipped with a mattress, and an escape staircase that lets out in the parking lot.

Coffee Call-Back: Hate it when coffee customers yell at you for screwing up their orders, when it's their fault because they weren't specific? Now with Coffee Call-Back you can nip this annoying problem in the bud. Coffee Call-Back records the customer's order, and will play it back as soon as the customer complains that you screwed up their order. The crusty then has two choices: take the drink that they ordered, or pay half the cost of the drink to have it remade. Deluxe model comes with video playback.

Hounds: So you've made the announcement that your store is closing in 15, 10, 5 minutes. The Stun Doors have kept out the riffraff, and now the store is closed. Final announcement; "Ladies and gentlemen, we are now closed, please take your final purchases to the nearest register or we will release the hounds. Thank you for shopping at The Big Fancy." Hounds will be trained only to chase but not attack custys unless they're provoked. Hounds will also be trained not to attack retail slaves.

Baseball bat clue-by-fours: Now there's no need to carry around a unwieldy piece of wood. All new clue-by-fours have been turned into easy to carry baseball bats. Still with the same ability to knock sense into even the dumbest customer.

Real life censor/mute: Tired of customers calling you a stupid asshole or (even worse) a dumb cunt? Well with the real life censor their insults get turned into grade school insults that make them sound stupid. How funny would it be to hear "stupid asshole" turned into "stupid airnose"? "I can't fucking believe how fucking stupid and incompetent you are" becomes, "I can't fudgecicle believe how Frosted Flakes stupid and inclockable you are... wait, what the french toast did I just say?" For those more severe insults (being called a cunt, or having your race or sexual orientation insulted) the real life censor simply bleeps out the words. Can also be adjusted to mute the crustys voice altogether.

So there you have it thirteen brand new items that if they existed would make our lives so much easier.

-NC Tony

 

CLICK HERE TO SEE TONY'S 2010 LIST!

 

 

Burger Bitch's Disabled Hellspawn Encounter and Revenge of A Douchebag Custy In The Drive-Thru

Before I get into the story that was my most recent week, I have some news.

My store was robbed while I was away on my trip. My part closes at 8 PM, bus the gas station is open 24h. One of my favourite coworkers was working when two men came in, placed knives on the counter and demanded the money. I’m not too sure of the details, but I know they came behind the counter and took all the money that was in the safe. One of my good friends works on that side and she worked the shift after the robbery.

Obviously, she was the first one there after it happened, I guess she basically jumped out of her car the second she saw Amazing!Girl sitting in the cop cruiser sobbing. My friend was able to watch the tape, and when she tried to tell me the details, she started crying. I’m not even sure if I want to hear what happened, I haven’t heard from Awesome!Girl and she called in for the rest of the week. They did apprehend the men though, since they were dumb enough to try to rob another store right down the street (And steal all the rolled coin, try to look nonchalant carrying all that, dumbasses). Fucking assholes, I hope they get tied to some train tracks. I just really hope that Awesome!Girl is ok. That’s definitely a terrifying thing to have to go through.

And now, the most recent realization I have come to in my life. I don’t hate children (Well, ok, I do a little) it’s the idiotic dickbag parents who can’t pry themselves away from themselves to control their larvae while in public.

Let’s set the scene;

I worked the day before I left for my trip and instead of dragging my giant suitcase to work then to my boyfriend’s, I just dropped it off at his house before I went to work. Unfortunately, I also dropped off my wallet with it, which meant that I had no money for food, and my boyfriend started work an hour after me, so he wasn't able to bring my wallet to me. However, one of my amazing managers made cookies and she left me two before she was finished her shift. They weren’t giant cookies or anything, but they looked delicious and I figured they would hold me over until the end of my shift when I could get some lunch.

Since we don’t have breaks, we have a small counter where we keep our food and our drinks so we can just eat whenever we get hungry. It’s lower than the front counter and a bit to the side. Customers can see it, but it’s behind the napkin holder and straws and such. It was very busy that day so my manger was in the back doing the second bake, ergo, we didn’t have a lot of donuts left. My coworker and I were shooting the shit when the son ran up and demanded a donut.

I told him that the only ones we had left were the plain… And this is where it all goes to hell.

I had my cookies sitting on top of the paper bag they were in, I was literally about to eat them before they came in. This little fucking shithead proceeds to half climb over the fucking counter, grab them and shoves one in his fat little fucking face. I had no fucking idea what to do, I just stood there in shock that a fatass child would actually do this! Then I started thinking that it was another 6 hours before I could have any fucking food and I was hungry as tits.

That’s what the dad wandered over and asked me how much the cookies were. I fucking lost it.

Me: “Those were mine! They’re not for sale! Your child just ate one, that was my entire lunch!”

Fucknose: “Oh, well, he didn’t eat the other one.”

Me: ‘SO!? I DON’T KNOW WHERE HIS HANDS HAVE BEEN, IT’S GOING TO BE THROWN OUT NOW! HE JUST CLIMBED OVER THE COUNTER AND TOOK THEM!”

Fucknose: “Well, he has a learning disability.”

And he just left it at that, he grabbed his shit-for-brains child and left. I was so angry that I could have sworn I shat out tiny versions of Satan.

But this is what pissed me off even more (Ok, not really, I wanted those fucking cookies), my coworker defended the shit!

Her: “Well, the father did say he has a learning disability.”

Me: “SO!? I DON’T GIVE A FLYING FIDDLER’S ASSHOLE! I FUCKING HATE PARENTS. YOU NEED TO CONTROL YOUR CHILDREN. FUCK!”

Her: “You should have a heart.”

And then my head exploded and my ghost is typing this.

Now, a small story of revenge!

I was working with the new woman a few days ago. I love her SO much, I trained her a few weeks ago when she first started and she actually caught on! SHE'S SMART AND FUNNY AND I LOVE HER. Plus, she called work the day before my trip, just to tell me to have a good time. How sweet is that!?

Anyways, this giant fucking asshole comes through the Drive Thru and before I can even open my mouth to ask "Hi, how may I help you?" He shouts "HELLO!? HELLLOOOOO!?"

My coworker and I share a look of "What the fucking fuck?" then she asks if she can help him. The man specifically asked for a medium regular and a large regular, then drove up before either of us could ask "Is that everything?"

Of course he was a rich asshole driving a brand new Mercedes. Only the assholes have decent money, right? I prepared the coffees, but when I went to hand them out, the guy said "The medium is decaf, right!?" Keep in mind he absolutely did NOT ask for a decaf. He only asked for a medium and a large regular. I apologized and handed him the large and told him that I would fix the medium.

But then he starts bitching to the passenger "I can't believe these people find jobs! How the fuck can you fuck up a cup of coffee!? What a dumb bitch! I just wanted decaf!" Then I heard the passenger say "You didn't ask for decaf.." The asshole kept ranting saying that "they should know what I want anyways! Normal coffee keeps me awake all night and gives me terrible stomach pains!" So I turned around and poured a decaf coffee.. But handed him out the same normal coffee I set down. HA! Take that asshole.

Him: "This is decaf, right!?"

Me: "Yup! Have a great day! =D"

My coworker looked at me and said "If you didn't do that, I would have."

I hope the fucker died.

--Burger Bitch

 

Burger Bitch: I Love My Regular Custys - Especially When They Tell Off Other Custys

I don’t even know where to start with this week, it’s just been a total and complete fucking shitstorm. I haven’t been sleeping that well as of a few weeks ago and I’ve tried everything under the sun to get myself to sleep better, or at all. But nothing seems to be working, which makes my patience level at an all-time fucking low.

Let’s start things off with a small public service announcement; PLEASE BE SPECIFIC WHEN YOU ORDER, IT IS VERY IMPORTANT TO A COFFEE SLAVE. Twice this week, I’ve had customers freak out at me because I messed up their order.

Bitch, it’s not my fucking fault if you’re not specific. Dillfucker the first came through DT a few days back and ordered a large coffee with a small milk. Now, to me, that means a large coffee with a small milk in it. But no, he meant a small coffee AND a small CARTON of milk, so he proceeded to flip the fuck out over the fact that I put milk in his fucking coffee.

The second customer was a middle-aged woman who came up to the counter and asked for “two coffees with milk and one coffee with sugar.” To myself and my coworkers, that meant 3 coffees. My coworker poured them while I attended to a DT order, when I handed her the coffees, she flips her shit and starts SCREAMING at me because she only ordered two coffees.

I offer to repour them if she tells me what she wants in them, but I doubt she could hear me over the sound of how much of an asshole she was. Apparently she wanted one coffee with just milk and one coffee with milk and sugar, which she could have ordered the fucking correct way by saying “Can I have 2 coffees, one with milk and one with milk and sugar.” But I suppose that would have been just too simple. 

Now, I need to tell you guys a story from a few weeks back. We have many regulars and 99% of them are absolutely amazing. One in particular is my favourite.

We’re going to call him John because he looks hella similar to John Goodman. He’s crazy tall, I’m guessing about 6’4 or 6’5, and SUCH a sweetheart. Every morning he comes in and the first thing he says is “My dear, how are you!?” and he just makes my heart melt.

Sometimes he’ll bring his son in with him, who’s about 4 or 5 and he’s the most polite child I’ve ever met. Anywhom, John is the manager of a hardware store just down the road from us, so he comes in 2-3 times a day, but his first time is always about 15 minutes after we open.

He came in a few weeks back, so I get his coffees ready for him (He gets his and one other for whoever opens with him that morning, so I just ask him whose working with him and get theirs ready.) There was another man behind him in line, but he was waiting for a sandwich that my coworker was preparing for him, so I was shooting the shit with John about whatever hockey game was on the night before (I’m Canadian, it’s an everyday occurrence) when the man behind him taps him on the shoulder.

John: “Yes?”

Asshole VonVagDouche: “I was in your store the other day and it was fucking awful! I couldn’t find anything I wanted and your employees were so fucking incompetent!”

John: “Ok, first things first. You just interrupted my conversation, and she was talking. Obviously your parents weren’t fit enough to teach you to NEVER interrupt a lady. Second, maybe if you were more polite, my employees would have been more inclined to help you search for whatever you were looking for. And third, DOES IT FUCKING LOOK LIKE I’M AT WORK TO YOU? NO. I’M GETTING MY COFFEE BECAUSE IT’S 6:15 AM AND I NEED IT TO DEAL WITH ASSHOLES LIKE YOU.”

Asshole VonVagDouche: (Who barely reached 5’5”) “Oh. I-Uh.. Ok.”

I had to turn around to stop from laughing; it was so glorious seeing some fucktrot get his ass ripped to shreds. John even apologized for swearing in front of me and carried on his merry way. When he came back for his second coffee on his break, he told me that if that guy ever gave me trouble, to let him know.

I love my regular customers so much.

--Burger Bitch

Burger Bitch: Asshat Managers and Awesome Retail Slaves

Just a short rant today, but I need to get it out of my system.

I am so pissed off right now that I could very well shit a fucking hedgehog.

I’ve had a trip planned for a little over six months now and I’ve been looking really forward to it and when I was hired 3 months ago, I made sure to book the day off right away. When I was hired, I asked my manager how much notice she preferred when booking time off, and she told me 2 weeks. The day I want off is this month and I booked it off at the beginning of August. She informed me that I gave a great amount of notice, so I definitely had the day off.

So I purchased all of my tickets, booked everything and now everything is planned. But wait, there’s more. Today, she came up to me and told me that she’ll still “try her best” to give me the day off, but there’s nobody to cover for me.

Wait, what the FUCK now? First off, her AND my only other morning coworker BOTH called in sick last minute last week, so I was by myself for 3 hours (The first 3 hours after we open are the busiest, by the way) until my awesome coworker came in. Plus, my coworker, we’ll call her Bitchy McWhineass, books off at LEAST 5 days a month and always gets them off. I’m asking for ONE day, and it’s not even a busy day of the week, either. But besides, she already told me that I had it off. The tickets for the show I’m going to see are non-refundable AND there’s a price to cancel my other tickets. I’m so fucking fucked if she decides to not give me the day off.

Fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck!

Alright, now onto a decent story.

My step mum and I went shopping the other day in a town about an hour away. We picked up a few Christmas gifts then wandered off to look at boots for myself, since I was in desperate need of a new pair of winter boots.

We greeted the two men working and went on our way to check some out, shortly after, my step mum wandered off to the store next to us to look at some gift cards.

One of the men came up to me and we started chatting, he even told me when a pair of boots were ugly, which was nice. I settled on a nice, decent priced pair of boots and we continued chatting for a bit more. He was honestly one of the nicest people I have ever met, he told me that him and his husband had recently got married and even showed me a few photos (Note: Such an adorable couple.)

He took me up to the cash to pay for my boots, and then he said “Ok, I am SO not supposed to do this, but you are one of the most polite and adorable girls ever! So I’m going to give you a discount.” I was already really excited, just to be told that I was adorable, and I was honestly just expecting a small discount. However, he gave me 20% off! I was so excited that I nearly peed, I swear.

Being a polite and awesome custy pays off, bitches!

--Burger Bitch