Retail Hell Underground

Retail Slave Ruins Christmas

From Coffee Slinger:

As the holidays are fast approaching, I thought I'd share this gem with you all about how one coworker ruined it for some ungodly crusty.

At HHFail, we allow customers to order items on willcall. This is done if an item is not in our back stock room, lock up in the back, or the front cages where we keep some of the more stealable items like cameras and gps units. Not only do people put televsions on willcall, but also washer, dryers, refridgerators and even custom sound systems. This store is around a dish washer.

Said crusty ordered a dishwasher for will call weeks ago, asking for it to be here off of our truck by the first week of december. That was the easy part. However, when we call, she wanted to be sure we ask for “Idiotcrusty” and leave a vague message, not to just tell whoever picked up the phone that the dishwasher was in because she was ordering it for her daughter. Kind of a strange present but whatever.

Well Black Friday came and went and we just plum forgot due to our paid open order report (that's POO for short), going from 8 pages to 27. So fellow worker Hollyberry was going through one day and TRYING to catch up with calling for all willcalls so people will come get their shit, forgot to be vague for Idiotcrusty and let the cat out of the bag.

I was in the next day when she called to complain, saying that we have completely ruined Christmas and she hopes we're happy with ourselves. Her entire holiday is in shambles now due to our inattention and that we should be ashamed of ourselves.

Manager G relayed the story to myself and the others at the information desk, smirking the entire time.

So I ask you RHU, have you ever been accused of ruining someone's holiday/birthday/etc?

--Coffee Slinger

 

From Retail To Call Center A Mistake?

Dearest RHU,

Classic Cliché, yadda yadda yadda.

I made the worst, most horrible mistake of my life.  I left a perfectly normal, crazy, but manageable retail job, and ventured my way into a call center.  And why… the fuck did I do this?

Here is the thing.  I’ve always been a freaking lazy person (I’ve recently been to a doctor, and they’ve been hinting that I may be struggling with Bipolar Disorder.  Fun fun fun.), but usually I combat it very easily with caffeine and general motivation.  Retail was always easy.  You learn the store, learn the policy, fuck with customers, and generally stay on the good side of managers.  But now there are things called occurrences?  CALL TIME?!  Not to mention resolution.  So I am fix the customers problem in the first call, do so in 3 minutes, and hope that they don’t call back.  Okay…

You can call me Satellite Slut for now, as I happen to work for a company that uses satellites to broadcast their television.  It’s also the one that isn’t named after their products.  The one that awkwardly only uses 1 T.  Anyway.

I’ve begun this job, loving the tuition reimbursement, loving the people I work with, and generally loving that I can wear whatever the fuck I want.  Lip piercing, nbd, visible tattoos, get compliments.  But holy shit.  Who ate the sewage of the earth, and then regurgitated it into a sad, sad little person that wants to bitch about their bill?!  Do you want me to jump off a bridge?

I’ll just share one of my favorites.  Hopefully y'all will see more of me.

We had a crazy lady call in for her grandmother.  Grandma left our company, and needed to go ahead and get her credit amount back onto her credit card.  It was $32 and we were happy to give her $20 back, and the additional $12 were for promotional items.  In short, we are not going to pay you for promotions that we give you so you can get free service for certain channels.  The lady flips a bitch, demands a supervisor.

Yes ma'am.

So she speaks to a supervisor.  Supervisor explains the same thing, but says, "Hey, we'll go out of our way and give you an additional $5 back just out of the kindess of my flimsy, no backbone heart." 

Not good enough.

She demands to speak to his manager! 

Manger says, "Well, we can give you $25 as previously stated.  That is all we can do, as the additional $5 is going out of our way for your."

Still no good.  She demands HIS MANAGER.  So he takes it to the highest up, other than the president.

Manager 2 says, "Wow, no, you're getting $20.  Have a great day."

So if the bitch had just shut up, she would have gotten $5 free.

I hate my job.

I hate my job.

But I do have an interview with a retail grocery chain that pays more, and happens to be 2 miles away from my house.  Pray for me.

--Satellite Slut

 

Confused Custys Cause Call Center Hell

Hi all, Hellraiser here!

This time I come with a tale from my call center hell. I haven't previously mentioned it, but I work in a call center in NC for an insurance company, and last Friday was the day for just plain confused people.

Custy 1:

This sweet little old lady calls asking about her policy, but I can't find her in our system at all. Not under name, date of birth, social security, policy number, nothing. Her number doesn't even sound like anything in our system. By the time I've exhausted all my options, she's almost in tears, saying she's always called NC and she's always had great service and she doesn't know why she doesn't have a policy anymore. In a last-ditch effort I ask her what number she dialed to reach her, thinking that maybe she had one number off.

The number she thought she dialed was for an insurance company in GA.

I then ask what state her mail from us comes from.

Ohio.

So your mail comes from Ohio and the phone number goes to GA, what on earth possessed her to think she needed to call NC? WTF? I let her down gently and advise she call the number again.

Custy 2:

Have you ever had a caller and you just knew that the person on the phone should not be speaking to you? That this person, for reasons of old age, young age, or mental handicap, should not be discussing their insurance policy with you? Any number of things give it away: long pauses between sentences, a slight lisp, or very basic or outdated vocabulary. Somehow you just know that the responsible party has stepped outside for a moment and this person got a bee in their bonnet to take care of business that someone else should really be handling. That was confused caller number 2. I just kind of went along with whatever they requested and tried not to make waves.

Custy 3:

This older gentleman wanted information about insurance company B. He wanted to trade out his insurance company C for insurance company B. We are not insurance company B or C. When I told him we are not B or C, he said he wanted to know what we did with insurance company B and C. When I said we did nothing and suggested he call insurance company B or C, he went on a long story about his problems with insurance B and how he heard insurance C was better. I said great, but I couldn't help him with that, he should call B or C. He reluctantly said goodbye, still somehow convinced I could help him.

Cust 4:

This gentleman's coworker, who has the same insurance as him, had just recieved a refund from his insurance. So he called us (the insurance in question) and asked if we were sending out refunds to everyone and if he should expect one. When I told him no, we weren't sending out refunds to everyone, he said, "But my coworker got one!" I said if we ever found we owed someone money, we would return it, but just because we owed his coworker money did not mean we owed him money. He hung up on me.

By the end of the day all I wanted to do was contact the information distribution company of the world and let them know they weren't doing their jobs correctly. If I hear another instance of what "some guy in the bar" or "some lady in the grocery store" or "my coworker" told me, I might just scream. And not to sound evil, but I'm beginning to think that everyone who, for whatever reason, is a few eggs short of a dozen should be appointed a "handler" to take care of things like calling the insurance company. Make my life and their lives easier. It's depressing, but after a while you learn that, while each person is interesting and intelligent, the public is boring and stupid.

--Hellraiser

 

Dumbass Discount Rat Encounter Over IM

Trader Jack here, again.

I was originally going to put this down as a comment to Artsy-Fartsy tale of woe but I now realize it really deserves it's own entry.

As a bit of background, though I still have many stories from my time there, I've actually now left Flowering Valleys for a consultant position with a new affiliate of a well known computer hardware manufacturer. It's a considerable step up in both pay and responsibility, and while it is still mainly sales related I'm being relied upon to also handle some of the management work load as well as administration so I'm quite pleased with it all around.

The biggest plus to the job, however, is our boss has a much stricter attitude towards pricing and custies. Essentially he sets the prices, we're given a wiggle room if the customer wants to talk discounts but not much more than that. If a customer says our prices are too high or we're not being fair with our discounts then too bad, they can go look elsewhere for their stuff cause we've got plenty of other folk willing to play by our rules.

Thus far we've had very few problems with our clientele, until last month when I finally had to enact the above mantra with a Californian custy who was thus dubbed the Braindead Beach Bum (BBB).

The following conversation takes place over IM.

Braindead Beach Bum: Heyo, Trader what's up?

Me: Good morning! How can I help?

Braindead Beach Bum: Saw you had three NIB of *item model* advertised and wanted to see if I could get a quote, then reserve them.

Me: Certainly, those are going for about $1,395 each and I can place them on reserve as soon as I have a PO.

Braindead Beach Bum: Kay, bear with me then, dude.

I leave the chat window open and run a check on BBB's company. They haven't done business with us previously thus I'm going to need to set up an account for them.

Me: Also, as I see that you're a new client, could you send me a copy of your reseller's certificate and a short list of references from companies you've worked with previously?

An hour slowly clicks by without any response. Eventually my colleague, H, tells me he's gotten a request for the same items. Unfortunately, since BBB hasn't sent the purchase order yet I can't put them on reserve so I tell H to go ahead and quote.

Me: Also, as a heads up, my colleague just got a request for those same items. I'm really going to need a PO if you want to have them held for you.

30 more minutes click by, and then finally.

Braindead Beach Bum: Hey dude, when can you ship those out?

Me: I can ship them as soon as I have a PO, along with the other aforementioned documentation.

Braindead Beach Bum: k, can you do anything about the price? That's a little steep.

Me: Well, since you're buying all three I could add a bulk discount and drop the price to $1,210 each.

Braindead Beach Bum: Mmm, still steep. I was thinking more along the lines of $500 for each.

O_O
Me: I'm sorry but we can't discount that much on new stock.

Silence descends across cyberspace again. H eventually says he's got a PO for the items (strangely his client seems okay with our asking price), but is willing to defer to me since BBB called first dibs.

Me: My colleague just got the order for those items. Again I really am going to need the same from you if you don't want them to be sold to someone else.

More time passes. H says his custy needs the items shipped today. I wait another 30 minutes and then tell him to go ahead and process his order since the lack of response would indicate BBB is no longer interested. H gets approval for the sale, I go down to help him get the items from storage, leave for lunch and come back to update the inventory. By now several hours have passed and H goes out to get packing materials for the shipment. Literally upon his return my chat window blinks.

Braindead Beach Bum: Alright well I gotta leave soon, dude so I'll send the PO now. You can still ship today can't you?

Me: *thinking 'No...you have got to be kidding me.'*

Braindead Beach Bum: Oh and I'm still not digging your price. Get them down to $500 and all is well.

Me: *thinking 'You have GOT to be kidding me.' *writes* H sold those items two hours ago. When you didn't respond I thought you weren't interested any more.

Brainead Beach Bum: What? Dude, I had other stuff to do! Why didn't you hold them like I asked you to?

Me: Didn't you get my previous messages?

Braindead Beach Bum: Well yeah, but I thought you were bluffing. I mean come on, dude, no one actually pays four digits for that model do they?

Me: *not entirely sure how to respond, not that it matters as BBB immediately leaps back in with the following*

Braindead Beach Bumb: Never mind, just tell H I need 'em and get back to me when you have a tracking number.

Me: *after a minute of reminding myself to be polite* I'm sorry but I can't do that, BBB. He got the order and the approval to sell them. Per our policy the sale is his fair and square.

Braindead Beach Bum: But I got you the PO first!

Me: How long have you actually had the PO?

Braindead Beach Bum: Since this morning. I just wanted to wait till you agreed to my price before sending it.

O_O again.

Me: Send it over now.

*He sends it and I check it out*

Me: BBB, as I told you before, I can't drop the price to this amount. Plus, as I also stated before, I need your resellers permit and a reference list to get you set up with a shipping account.

BBB: I don't have time to do all that! Can't you just check the feedback on our site and take their word for it?

Me: I'm sorry but our policy states we need those two documents to do business with you.

Braindead Beach Bum: Well that's bull***t! I need those items tomorrow!

Me: I'm sorry but they're sold. Actually as I type this, H just finished packing them up and is wheeling them out to the post office.

BBB: Trader, my company is like one of the biggest in California! You do this for me, $600 each since you aren't good for $500, shipped overnight, and I can promise you a heck of a lot of business from us in the future!

Me: I'm sorry, but I told you what we needed to hold the items for you, and what our prices were this morning. You chose to wait till it was too late so there's nothing I can do for you now.

*BBB does not respond. After several minutes I close the chat window and get on with some paperwork...until said window rudely pops back into view again.*

Braindead Beach Bum: You're actually going to do this, dude? You're really going to turn down a perfect opportunity to land a major league client and thus cut yourself off from a reliable source of six figure sales??

Me: *thinking 'Yeah right bud, you can't even handle four figures* I don't know what else to tell you. Our owner wants to make profit and we wouldn't have been able to do that at your requested price. I'll be happy to help you out if there's something else in our stock that you need.

Again I get the silent treatment as BBB no doubt tries to think of a decent come back. Ten minutes later he finally comes up with the following carefully crafted witticism:

Braindead Beach Bum: WELL F**K YOU THEN!!!! (yes he actually bolded and italicized it)

BBB signs out, I save the chat log to send to my manager in case a complaint gets lodged, and then silently break my brain over the logic of the above. Seriously, in what region is it a sensible business practice to wait on a time sensitive deal till the other side finally panics and gives in to your demands (I'm guessing that's what he was hoping would happen)? Especially considering if he had just sent the damn PO to me when he got it he could have least bought himself more time to stall and negotiate (we'd never have agreed to his asking price, but further more that's the brilliant thing about electronic documents: you can go back and edit them if changes need to be made!).

Regardless his threats aren't going to matter jack in any respect. Even if we lost a deal with him there's still every chance we can sell to another rep in his company so we haven't cut ourselves off from anything, and if he tries to dissuade his colleagues from contacting us we've got the evidence to prove he's at fault.

The only downside is, if we DO eventually manage to make a sale and sign BBB's company on as a client I don't know if I'll be able to refuse him as easily if he tries to do business with us again....ah well, tis a bridge to be crossed at a later date.

--Trader Jack

 

 

RHU ADVICE: How Do You Handle Condescending Creepy Customers?

Hi all! Hellraiser here! 

Bookstore slave's recent post about being talked down to by a chauvinist pig custy reminded me of something I've noticed at my new call center job.

Now, down here in the south, it's not uncommon for southern gentlemen to throw around the occasional "hun" or "darlin." That doesn't bother me. They're not being demeaning, it's just a way of speaking. What bothers me is the number of recent calls I've taken where I've been called "darlin," "honey," "baby" and worse. And although I've been working customer service hell for over 5 years now, this is a new experience for me, and here's why:

Previously I worked in the drive-thru. I have a customer service voice that sounds like Minnie Mouse over the headset, but I don't have the look to match it. After pulling up, the driver would be confronted with me, wearing my blue waterproof apron, my sleeves hiked up so they don't get soaking wet, covered in a mixture of dishwater, flour, and some unidentified sauce. After about 9:00 pm, I would be all out of smiles, and my hair would look like something the cat dragged in. Even the most polite southerner would have a hard time matching up this image to the word "darlin."

Now, in call center hell, those same men never see me. They hear my voice and picture the sweetest young thing their hearts desire. For the first time I'm having to deal with a whole new line of condescension and people hitting on me, and it's really getting on my nerves.

Now, I'm sure a lot of retail slave girls are out there rolling their eyes at me. I know there are a lot of you who have been dealing with this all the time, and I want to know how you do it. Or better yet, how do you make it stop? I can't just tell them off, the calls are monitored. And all you guys out there, on what planet is this deemed appropriate behavior?

--Hellraiser

 

 

Time Warner Cable Supervisor Says Stop CPR and Get Back To Work: Customer Service Rep Dies At Her Desk

Mouse Mastered spotted this sad story on AOL:

Last month, a Time Warner Cable customer service rep died at her desk. After any unexpected death, people searched for answers, explanations, someone to blame. But in this case, there may have actually been something foul afoot. A local news station reports that after a co-worker began giving CPR to 67-year-old Julia Nelson, a supervisor allegedly told her to stop and "get back on the phone and take care of customers."

Nelson slumped at her desk at the Time Warner Call Center in Garfield Heights, Ohio, and wasn't breathing by the time paramedics arrived. But before that happened, a co-worker rushed over and began administering CPR, the woman told WOIO, only to be asked to stop. Employees at the scene have confirmed this report.

The woman was also told later by another supervisor that she could be "held liable if something goes wrong."

Ohio has a "Good Samaritan" law on the books, however, which protects bystanders who provide emergency aid from being sued for unintentional injury or wrongful death.

Thanks to this legal immunity, many employees have used CPR to save co-workers lives without any risk to themselves. Last year, two co-workers resuscitated 55-year-old Brenda Halliburton after she collapsed at her desk at American Baptist Churches. One performed CPR, while the other gave her a jolt with an Automated External Defibrillator. In July, Alex Molina saw his co-worker at Yuma Proving Grounds slumped in his carseat. Thinking he was sleeping, Molina pulled over to give him a joking scare, but ended up giving him CPR until the paramedics arrived.

Unfortunately, Nelson didn't receive similar care.

Time Warner released a statement, denying any wrongdoing: "Time Warner responded appropriately to a medical emergency. Our company has procedures in place to respond to emergencies. We ar

via jobs.aol.com

Retail Slaves As Custys: Hell With Dell's Outsourced Reps From India

Here’s one RHU where yours truly almost transformed into an apeshit custy at the service call in center. 

Recently my Hell laptop went kaput (plus it had nasty worm I couldn’t get rid of thanks to all the illegal bootlegs I kept downloading) so I took it into Breast Buy to get it serviced at the Nerd Herd desk.  After finding out I needed to change the hard drive, I agreed to the terms but the repair rep recommended I order the current utility disks to start up my laptop.  They gave me the serial number and the company of Hell to order the disks.  No biggie right?  WRONG!

Now you know as anyone that using the automated system is a nightmare because the computer does not know what fuck you’re saying.  If you’re calling to order supplies, please press one.  If you’re calling to spend more money and not get your questions answered, please press two.  If you’re calling and have no clue who should be talking to, then press some random number.  If you’re a dumbass, then speak to some monotone computer voice about your issue then dumbfuck talk into the phone.

“I want to order utility disks.”

“I’m sorry I can’t understand you.  Please repeat that.”

“I want to order utility disks.”

“I still can’t under you.  Fucking speak up!”

“I WANT TO ORDER UTILITY DISKS!”

“Fine then, please wait while I connect you to one of our outsourced operators.”

(Fifteen minutes on hold.)

“Hello this is Punjab from India.  How can I help you?” (Holy shit!  Outsourcing was right.)

“My laptop is being repaired and they said I needed to order the current utility disks because Windows 7 is now outdated.”

“Do you have a warranty plan with us?

“No and no thank you I just want to order the disks.”

“Very well, let me connect you with another one of our outsourced representatives.”

(Another fifteen minutes go by.)

“Hello this is Kali from India.  How can I help you?” (This cannot be real.  Isn’t this a television sitcom or indie comedy?)

“Yes, I need to order utility disks.”

“What is the serial number?

“123456.”

“Sorry, we do not recognize that number.  Are you sure you do not have a warranty with us?”

“I’m sorry I don’t have warranty.  I just want to order the disks.”

“Would you like to purchase a warranty?” 

“I’m a retail slave.  I barely make enough to pay for internet gay porn.  No thank you.  Just the disks.”

“Well sir, without a warranty we cannot help you.  Goodbye.” (Hangs up.)

THE BITCH JUST HUNG UP ON ME!  OH NO SHE DI’NT!  I dialed again, wait this time twenty minutes on Hell’s computerized menu and get someone on the line.

“Hello you’ve reached Vishnu, another outsourced agent, how I can help you?”

“I don’t want new bells and whistles!  I don’t want a warranty plan!  I just want to buy the updated start-up disks!  Can you please help me?”

“Of course sir, what is the serial number?”

“123456.” 

“I’m sorry sir but that number is registered for the Company of Defense.  We can offer a new number for you if you purchase our warranty plan.”

“I don’t want the warranty plan!  How can this be possible?  I registered this number two years ago when I got this laptop as a Christmas present?  It is the same number that is always been?”

“Well sir looks like Breast Buy made a mistake and gave you the wrong serial number so you need to check with them.  Goodbye.” (Hangs up.)

So now I’m stuck calling back Breast Buy who tells me that this is EXACTLY the right serial number.  Frustrated, I ask if I can just use my old start up disks even if is outdated and they agreed. 

So RHU, I finally understand why the Hell’s spokesperson Ben Curtis (you know Slacker Steve) got caught with marijuana.  You have to be high to get through Hell’s customer service line!  Ugggggh!

--Queer Geek

 

RHU Discussion: Supervisor Pet Peeves

Hi Gang!

Query Queen again - gainfully (even superfluously) employed again! I took an on-call gig and after my fourth shift, my dreamy old job called me back for another temporary stint. The old gig is FT with bennies right away, but I am keeping the on-call gig so I have something to fall back on when this one ends.

But I digress...

As you may or may not have deduced from previous posts/comments, I've been on both sides of the management/slave equation all of my life. I am one of those people who is willing to take whatever lowly job/salary because I usually get promoted quickly. That said, when I took this recent on-call job, I was stunned at the management techniques exhibited in just the 2 days I worked at this particular site.

This site is teeny-tiny. The supervisors sit directly behind the staff. They can hear everything we say so they can swoop in and correct us - but they seem to think that we can't hear everything THEY say.

Seriously, I have never seen such rampant supervisory no-no's. 

A. Please don't talk down to your employees. I know, I know, totally common behavior. But have you ever seen supervisors talk to you in sickly sweet baby talk? Gross. 

B. Openly disobeying THEIR superior. Another employee was scheduled to come in to do some menial task that *had* to be done. When she showed up, the supervisors who were supposed to get her set up had all left. The manager then sent an email with a scheduled appointment and told one of the supervisors that she had to stay until the person came in. I heard that supervisor complain about it to the other supervisor, who replied "Screw that. Just go home. The employee will just need to make an appointment." Which said employee had done, with the manager. Again, WE CAN HEAR YOU!

C. Please don't talk about other employees in front of the rest of us. I'd already heard them do this to other employees, so my feelings weren't hurt when they did it to me. I got a strange call (like dealing with a psycho strange). After the call, I immediately got up and went to one of the supervisors to tell her. She then asked me to communicate that to the other supervisor. I did. Then I hear them talking about what I 'should have done', how I 'should have handled it' and how I 'should have known what to do'. It was my first day on the phone there. Immediately, all my other co-workers were whispering "Don't worry about it - none of us would have known what to do. None of us were trained to do that." By the time we heard them say "We'll talk to her about it.", mutiny was in the air. All my co-workers turned to face the supervisor and one piped up "We ALL need to hear this."

D. Being stubborn babies. I guess this explains the baby talk. There are a couple of extra stations where employees can sit and work. The supervisors have been sitting there. I've seen employees come in for their shift and have nowhere to sit because the supervisors won't move - so the employee has to sit there for sometimes up to 2 hours getting paid for doing nothing. This isn't bad for the employee, but do you think the manager would be thrilled to see those dollars being wasted? 

This is just the tip of the iceberg. Fortunately, I may not have to work with them much more because it seems like they don't work weekends. 

What are your supervisor pet peeves?

--Query Queen

 

 

How The Help Desk Handles Stupid

From Ashley.

 

New Call Center Disclaimer

From Atombomb1945:

Thought this one up this morning. Understanding is not guarantied.

We are not responsible for, nor promise in any way, shape, or form the imparting of the meaning of life or the pursuit of happiness.

Any answers to questions, ultimate or otherwise, will not be validated nor will proof be given.

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We will not be held accountable for anything that could be deemed unsuitable by friends, family members, or co-workers. We will not provide special compensation for any who feel that they, or persons near them who should not have been looking at the material we do not provide, when the viewer becomes upset by something that is out of our control anyways.

Under penalty of law the reader can read only the above or below and no more over the legal limit of what may be available on a particular day of the week.

There will be no advanced warning on any of the above or anything mentioned in the future here on this day which will soon be yesterday.

For questions please contact technical support, from the number not provided by us, any time between the hours that are not convenient and a time that is better used for other things.

Offer expires while you wait, not valid during normal business hours of days ending with an unknown vowel.

Operators are standing by, however they are not going to answer the phone as it will be their lunch break.

No refunds will be provided for time spend on hold while someone will get to the call in the order it was received.

Feel free to share with customers.

--Atombomb1945

 

RHU DISCUSSION: Outrageous Customer Service Responses

From Craft Master:

We recently got new floor put in our house and it honestly wasn't wearing very well. Chips and dents were appearing after only two weeks, so my dad called the flooring place and was treated to a new type of customer service: the "I-just-don't-give-a-f*ck".

After my dad explained the situation to the gentleman on the phone.

Sucky phone guy: Well, that isn't my company so I don't really care.

Dad: !?!?!?!

What is the most outrageous thing you've ever heard a retail slave tell a customer?

--The Craft Master

 

It Hell: Custy Cannot Get Connected

From IT Slave:

I talked about the user who had a problem with her two monitors. There is another tale out there from before I started working at my current company, but it shows the lack of common sense on her part. Now most users work with a desktop and every now and then they’ll get a laptop to work at home. It’s easy enough. In order to get to our intranet, they need a) internet b) a tool which will allow them to get on our intranet. Sounds simple, right?

So our lovely user wanted to work from home. No problem! We could fix her up. We gave her a temporary laptop, explained how to connect to the internet and then connect to our network via the tool. I have been told this took a couple of hours. A normal user would understand this in 5 minutes. The day she was working at home, she called our first line (FS).

FS: Hello, how may I help you?

User: I cannot get connected. Please help me! (insert more whining and crying)

FS: For starters, is the tool installed?

User: Why yes, it is! But WHY won’t you help me!

FS: We’re trying to help you. Now are you connected to the internet?

User: Yes, I’m connected to the wifi!

FS: Well… ok, that’s odd. Do you get an error?

User: I cannot get online at all! It says I can’t! Why can’t I work from home? Everyone else can work from home.

FS: Sigh okay. Can you just try plugging in the cable from your modem/router?

User: I don’t have a cable!

FS: *realisation starts to dawn* Do you own a modem/router for internet?

User: Of course not, I’m trying to connec to wifi. That floats around the sky, right? Why would I need a modem for that?

FS: /headdesk (or at least that’s what I would have done)

--It Slave

 

 

IT Hell: Custy With Monitor Problems

Hi there, you know the drill by now, first time submitter, long time reader.

I guess you can say I work in a different kind of retail hell, the one call IT helpdesk. Fortunately for me, I don’t have to deal with outside users, just the ones from within our own company. Most of them come from Europe, and a couple from the Middle East and Africa. You see, I’m the firstline, so all telephone calls and e-mails have to pass by me first. This is both a blessing as a curse. Most users are really nice and friendly, some are rude and then you have the…. Special ones. Today’s story will be one of those users in our building.

She left a voicemail saying both of her monitors had turn black. Most users use two monitors for work. It turned out that the second monitor she had gotten didn’t work, so one of our colleagues was going to pass by and remove it. The exchange went something like this.

“I’m here for the second monitor.”

“I don’t know what’s going wrong. None of those monitors will work. Why won’t anything work with me? It’s always the same, I’m always unlucky.”

This continued for several minutes. She once was on the phone with me over 15 minutes, crying (yes, you read that right) because her flash player didn’t work. So my colleague indeed noticed that her monitor wasn’t working.

“Where is the cable?”

“I unplugged the second monitor, then unplugged the first monitor and then unplugged the cable from the computer. The cable is now in the cupboard. I don’t understand why my monitor won’t turn on anymore!”

This story isn’t that bad, but I have others about her.

--IT Slave

 

Call Center Hell Art

Call center insanity from BrianTheWerewolf.

 

Call Center Hell: The Tale of Creepy Budd

Howdy howdy howdy, buckaroos!

Since I've been reading a bunch of phone custy support stories lately, I want to add one more. Call me Noah Comprendo, with a tale of the sleaziest custy it has ever been my karma to deal with.

I used to do phone support for a software company that sold a very large, very complex network management tool. The custys have to come in for training, but the phone support cube farm is separated from the classrooms by a security door so we never meet them face-to-face. Believe me, in our business, not meeting custys was a grade-A perk.

Now anyone who has ever worked the phones has got one custy who is the biggest pain in the ass, but for some reason YOU are their fave support drone. My particular nemesis, let's call him Budd Tugli, was based in Hawaii, and liked to call in just before 5PM our time with the most miniscule crap that could have been solved by a quick reading of the software manual. Since he was in Hawaii, he still had a couple of hours of work time left and was a jerk about having me stay on the phone until the problem was resolved.

While working after quitting time on the problem, I would have to listen to his complaints about our products and my personal failings as a support engineer, lurid tales of his sexual conquests as well as inquiries about which female support engineers might give it up for him if he was ever in town. Keep in mind that phone support people are salaried so we don't get overtime despite having to stay late often, put out fires in the early morning when it's your turn to carry the emergency pager, and work weekends patching software and doing hardware maintenance. Comp time? Never heard of it.

We were supposed to take the calls in rotation but Budd would bitch and moan until I got on the phone. Kent Ceyno, our Amazing Backboneless Manager, would ask me to hold the other 22 calls I was working on and move Budd to the front of the line. My personal mantra was "the custy is always right, we live to serve, we need their business, I live in hell, please kill me now."

One Christmas, Budd sent me macadamia nuts, the cheapo pack you find at airport gift shop counters, and called to make sure I knew it was from him, using it to guilt me into taking his calls directly, bypassing the call queue. Kent wasn't too happy with that, but Budd was an "important customer" (aren't they all?) and Kent had already done his share of turning me into Budd's private butt boy.

One horrible day, on which I suspect Satan's birthday is celebrated in Hell, I get back to my cube after squeezing out a custy on a potty break and find someone sitting in my chair, smoking! In MY cube! Great flaming balls of monkey fungus, it's Budd himself! The poisonous little toad was in the office for week-long training on a new piece of software, and during a break in classes had simply waited by the security door until someone carded through, then just followed inside and started wandering until he found my cube.

Budd in real life is maybe five foot two, mid-fifties, with a bad case of male pattern baldness. The remaining hair is shot through with gray and in a two foot long ponytail. He's got a waxed mustache, watery eyes, yellow smoker's teeth, and has a chin like the Wicked Witch of the West. He's wearing a leather jacket, hawaiian shirt featuring ukeleles and bare-breasted island maidens, jeans, and cowboy boots. Hearing his nasal whine in real life put me into a state of shock as he launches into a complaint about how the new software is stupid, his class is a stupid waste of time, and are there any good strip clubs in town because he really needs a lapdance after that class. Bear in mind some of the support staff in earshot are female, and I was later told that he was hitting on a couple before I got back.

Luckily, Kent the Amazing Backboneless Manager wanders by, and I put Budd in his incapable hands, pleading I have calls waiting. I ducked out of the office ten minutes before Budd's class ended that day because I wanted no part of this jerk for the rest of my life. Good thing I did; I was told the next morning that Budd weaseled his way into the support area again and said that I was his buddy and he wanted to take me to dinner. Urrrgh!

At the week's end, I ran into Budd again at the coffee machine in the break room, and what I heard put Budd in the running for Sleaziest Custy of the Year. Budd tells me he was sorry I had to duck out early because he was going to invite me to hit the strip clubs with him, and he had a great time doing it and didn't have to pay a dime. How? He shows me business cards he made up that are for some phony strip clubs all over Hawaii with his name as the owner. He then tells me whenever he's on the mainland, he goes to local strip clubs, whips out a card to avoid the cover charge, compliments the dancers and waitresses, and hands out his cards to them. It's completely bogus; he doesn't have a club. But he talks the big talk about his fictional fabulous club in Honolulu and how the dancer or waitress might maybe, just maybe, be good-looking enough to have a job waiting for them in his club. Ooh, Hawaii, they think, and so Budd gets free drinks and lapdances galore all night long, and sometimes something else afterwards as well. He also bragged about never tipping, either.

Just before he left he invaded my cube a last time to shake hands and made me promise to take all his calls right away and finally say goodbye. I washed my hands immediately afterwards. Twice. I would have cut the hand off, but would have needed it to help strangle myself with if I ever heard Budd was coming into town again.

--Noah Comprendo

 

 

BrianTheWerewolf vs Credit Rat of Doom! The Fall of Credit Rat -- PART 4

PART 4:  THE DEFEAT OF CREDIT RAT!

[CLICK HERE IF YOU HAVEN'T READ PART 3] 

[CLICK HERE READ STORY FROM BEGINNING]

From BrianTheWerewolf:

I put her on hold before she can utter a word and call the manager’s desk and lo and behold, who do I get, but Mr. AwesomeDude himself!!! The very same manager she had talked to that gave her the discount in the first place and put up with her before. I explain the situation to him and he says that yes, I am correct that she does not get any credits at all and no more credits without a valid documented reason with manager approval. He even went so far as noting her account in the notes to that effect. He asked me to go  ahead and put her on. I go to connect her and she’s hung up! I tell him she’s hung up and while I am noting the account I see a new note pop  in…she’s hung up and called in to another rep who’s noted she’s already back it and asking for a manger!

I told Mr. AwesomeDude that I’m going to put a stop her once and for all and took his manager’s note from the notes section and put it as a permenant notation that will pop up in a window with huge bold and black text every time she calls in to warn the rep about her that says no more credits due per management without manager approval. Mr. AwesomeDude agrees with me and signs off on it.

I watch the account  the rest of the night and she calls in three more times….

….and was denied by every manager she spoke with for more credits until she finally stopped call around 7:00 PM.

Final score?

 

BrianTheWerewolf: 100

 

Vs.

 

Credit Rat :   0

 

*does the Tail Wagging Dance of Happiness*

The End.

--Brianthewerewolf

 

 

 

BrianTheWerewolf vs Credit Rat of Doom! The Fall of Credit Rat -- PART 3

PART 3: THE BATTLE!

CLICK HERE TO READ PART 2

BTW: (direct and to the point, because at this point I’m through playing Mr. Nice guy and I’m done sugar coating things):

“Mrs. _____, I am going to explain this to you one time. First, in response to your concern over your basic home phone rate of 29.99, you yourself just said a moment ago that you authorized the charges while screaming at your husband. Yes, I heard you whispering that. Thus, your charges are valid for the services as long as you have them. We will not be crediting those charges this month or for this service in the future.

Secondly,  concerning your DISH complaint, your complaint that a channel is showing the same show over and over again and that you deserve a credit for this is not a valid reason for requesting any kind of adjustment. You have a remote control. Use it to change the channel when such marathons are on. We will not crediting any charges for DISH network and I can see here where DISH is refusing to as well, as I spoke with them via our Instant Messaging system while I was reading over your account. (I really did.)

Your concern over the tax rates is of course a concern we all share, as we all, each and every American citizen, pays these taxes on our telecommunicatio services as mandated by the FCC. For more information about them, you can use your high speed internet to go to the FCC Federal website at fcc.gov. We will not be adjusting those today.

Lastly, your issue with your internet pricing is also not a valid one because I see where you have called in every month now for over a year and gave reps and managers a hard time and that we have credited you well over 500.00 dollars in courtesy credits alone and I also see where a manager, Mr. AwesomeDude, placed a new discount on the services for your internet, allowing you to retain the price of 14.99 which is below the correct price for the internet. Thus, we will not be adjusting that charge either, meaning your bill is entirely 100% correct and is due on 7^th. Do you have any other concerns or questions today?

 (She shut up instantly during my entire spiel and was dumbfounded that anyone would stand up  to her, let alone a phone rep. I could hear the explosion coming but for now, I was deeply enjoying the stunned silence from her, that wonderful sweet wide eyed shock that her bullying had finally met its match with someone who could not and would not be bullied)

CR: (again mocking my accent and speaking as if I were stupid): “Did you hear what I said? The internet is 14.99. That is too expensive do you understand? I demand a credit. The customer is always right. (switches back to her normal accent) How dare you suggest these charges are correct! How can you be so stupid?”

BTW: (not phased in the slightest and giving right back to her as sweetly as possibly but toughly):  “No, Mrs. ___________. I am not in any way stupid and nothing you have said is unclear. Apparently, things that I have said are unclear. I am going to put you on a brief hold now, while I get a manager to re-explain them to you so that they are no longer unclear, okay?”

...TO BE CONTINUED....

--BrianTheWereWolf

CLICK HERE TO READ PART PART 4

 

BrianTheWerewolf vs Credit Rat of Doom: The Fall of Credit Rat --PART 2

From BrianTheWerewolf:

PART 2:

THE TRUTH REVEALED!

(To read PART 1 CLICK HERE)

 …So, I open her account and honestly review it top to bottom and talk about yanking my collar, her account is littered with notes and prior customer interactions dating back to the start of her service where she calls in every month and gets credit by bulling the reps and escalating and there ever notes from just last week showing where she has been been given way too many credits that are unjustified. Her local phone service is in fact 29.99, and for unlimited local calls, voicemail and eight features at no cost, that’s practically a steal as Caller ID and a local access line alone is almost 25 dollars.

As for her taxes, we don’t set those. The  local, state and government does. We have no say so in them, everyone pays them, and she needed to get over it.

Her DISH complaint is not a reason to credit anyone. Her DISH package had over 210 channels in it and DISH doesn’t say what broadcasters put on their channels, they simply make the channel available to watch if the people want to and its simple as turning the channel if you want to watch something else…apparently lifting the remote and pushing the button was too much work for this CR.  

So far, no credits are owed. Then I get to her internet which is the 1.5MPS speed which normally goes for 29.99 with the basic home phone bundle with a discount for 10.00 off for the first year with a 1 year term agreement. Her one year term expired last year and according to the notes she’s been told this several times, thus her price was 29.99….or it should have been. Looking over last two bills I noticed a strange anomaly.

Her internet was only billing at 14.99 just like she said. I thought she was misreading it but turns out she was right! She was actually paying far below the normal price for the 1.5 speed. In fact, 14.95 is the lowest price we have on our broadband. So why on earth was she wanting more credits?

Looking at her bill I saw that she had a running discount for 5.00 plus someone had re-activated the 10.00 a month discount for the next 12 months on the high speed internet. Since it only went back two bill cyles, I went back into the notes and found that she spoke to a supervisor, whom we will call AwesomeDude, who gave her those two discounts because she had previously esclated two bill cycles ago because she felt she was paying too much and AwesomeDude, who happens to be in my “call center” helped her out to shut her up.

Apparently, it wasn’t enough credits because this Credit Rat was back for more blood. Mind you, the entire time I’ve researching her account, she’s still screaming, cursing and blasting away at me with insults about me, about the company, about how we are such horrible liars and cheats and scam artists. Every word she says at this point is just another low blow and by this point she’s on my last nerve beyond my professional ones.

After reading all the notes from the previous reps who she had abused to get the constant credits a month, I realized that we are practically paying her to have service with us, not the other way around and that the bullying had to end. I set my foot down and I knew I was going to be in for an ugly fight but you don’t call me up, insult me, mock me and then bully me and then tell me that we are making your bill high and that we are ripping you off, only for me to find that in fact, we have been kissing your ass the entire time and just throwing money at you to stop the bulling. That doesn’t fly well with me.

It was time to put an end to this once and for all.

I try to explain to her gently exactly what I had found and went over her bill with her line by line and tried to explain why no further credits were due and that in fact, she is paying less for services—we were practically paying her to have our services-- that she should be but every time I would explain something to her, she would talk over me, interupt me or mock my accent or insult me.

Finally, I had enough and the fangs, claws and hackles came out, ears pinned back, it was Crusty Bitch Credit Rat killing time. RAWR!

...TO BE CONTINUED....

 

--BrianTheWereWolf

 

CLICK HERE TO READ PART 3

Brian The Werewolf vs Credit Rat of Doom: The Fall of Credit Rat - Part 1

Part 1:
Werewolf Meets Credit Rat:

Hey there all my fellow retail slaves out there in Retail Hell! Someone run me over with a Mack Truck and pin my fur to the wall already, tan my hide, I’M DONE!

Long time reader, first time poster (you’ve heard that before, right?).

After trying to think of some names for myself, I decided on BrianTheWerewolf, (BTW for short) simply because I used to be a call center slave and, heh, everything is better with werewolves (vampires suck..literally). Now then, after working in customer service, especially in call centers for over two and a half years, what on earth could drive me to finally post?

Perk your ears this year my retail hellions and I’ll let you in on the story.

First some background.

I worked for AT&T (don’t work there anymore so I don’t give a discount rat’s behind about naming them) and I worked for a company, with green flowers that links time together. At both I received death threats, sexual harassment (I’m a guy so it mostly the ladies who did it …they said it was the Southern accent (this is important later!)… never gonna happen ladies…sorry…this werewolf flies the bear pride flag… got cursed daily and treated like scum.

Now that we have had our heads primed, here's the first hell-story.

The day that this occurred on was a very good day and I raked in some pretty good sales, had a few laughs with my customers and helped a few people out with their bills.

Then SHE came on the phone…(cue low rumbling thunder and storm clouds)

… The call originally started with me talking to an older gentleman who, while seemingly concerned over his bill, was still very polite and well mannered. When he began to tell me what charges were in question, I hear the phone get ripped out of his hand and some shrieking that sounded vaguely like harpies on the rampage and then, there SHE was. She was one of those people who can never get enough credits and calls in month after month after month, and complains about EVERYTHING. If the complaining doesn’t work, she starts to bully the rep and if the rep doesn’t cave, she escalates to a manager, who often caves when she begins to bully them and thus she gets free money or service and the cycle repeats…

So I shall this fine specimen of a beastie “Credit Rat” or CR for short. Here’s how the call went down.

BTW: (warmly and politely—seriously, I did like my job and enjoyed it---) : “Thanks for calling ____________, my name is BTW, how can I help today?”

Old Nice Man: “Well, I was wondering if I could have you go over the bill with me here. There are some charges here that I don’t understand and need you to explain them to me…what’s this one for ESBI?”

(the moment he said ESBI, I knew they at least had third party billers billing them for some kind of service through their phone bill…I hate third party companies and go out of the way to make it difficult for them to bill my customers and get my customers credits back as much as possible so I make a note of it on my scratch pad).

BTW: “Well it sounds like you may have a third party biller on your statement. I do apologize for the confusion over that charge. Third parties companies are---

(suddenly the old man vanishes and the shuffling beings, then the shrieking of the harpies of hell and then…..there she was.)

CR: (shrieking as if I can’t hear her): “ HELLO?!!”

BTW: (surprised and trying to recover from the sudden and hostile take over): “Ye—Yes, mam? Who am I speaking with?”

CR: (huffily): “You, sir are speaking with the account holder if you read your screen if you can read English. Do you read English?”

BTW: (tries to let the insult slide off): “I assure you, I can read English. (I say sickeningly politely)

The account holder is a Mr.______. Are you Mr.______?” (I did this to just get a stab back. I don’t like rude people and my tolerance for them is pretty low. Plus she was NOT the account holder.)

CR: (even more angry…as if I care? You practically assaulted your husband dumbass with a phone reciever!): “No, I’m not Mr.______. I’m his wife!What are you, stupid? And I want to talk to you about this bill. First, of all…

(WTF…Oh…hell no she did NOT. I wanted to stop her right there but I resisted. I am a full time college student, psychology major. I am also a published author, a member of the Parapsychological Association, a member of the Institute of Noetic Scienes and soon to join the American Psychological Association as a student member…I’d like to think I have a mediocrum of intelligence in my furry little skull…she then goes and launches into a complete and solid diatribe and rattles all of the next part off without breathing. How she didn’t pass out I’m not sure and here I am still trying to take notes as fast as possible while hoping an anvil falls on her head quickly….)

CR: (still pissed and very condescending, entitled): “….first of all, why is my “Local and Options services 29.99? I want it all removed right now. I never asked for any of that. What is this “ call waiting?” Who the hell needs “call waiting”?! Secondly, my Internet bill is too high. Its 14.99. That’s so rediculous it isn’t even funny. I want to look at that closer and you will have to credit some of those charges. Oh, and DISH network, my God, they are just the the pits, just horrible, bad customer service, they show Gunsmoke on this channel every day for days on end and that’s all it is. I want a refund for that as well. What are these taxes? The taxes are too high, I’ve been a customer for thirty years and your taxes are horrendous, my God what are you trying to do, rob me? Credit these taxes off, I’m not paying them. I’m a valued customer!”

(mean while my little wolfy self is trying to write all this down, my pen flying nine million miles an hour, even in shorthand and trying to bite my tongue and not tell her off flat out).

BTW: (taking a deep breath and plunging in like a fool): “So, just to make sure we are on the same page, you have an issue with your monthly services, with your price for internet, with the programming that DISH network has and with your government fees and taxes? Is that correct?”

CR: (mocking my accent delibrately…she was from Conneticut so she had a distinct northern accent that suddenly vanished and she sounded like Jethro, speaking slowly as if what she was saying was quantum physics being explained to a kindergarterner): “That-is-what-I-just-said-okay. Did you un-der-stand me?”

BTW: (wondering why someone hasn’t yet assasinated this worthless sack passing for a human being and contemplating how often her husband must think of offing himself or divoricing her)(still professionally polite): “Great, I’ve got everyting then. Well, I’m sorry that your bill seems to be so messed up for you. I’ll be happy to review the bills with you in full so we can get this resolved for you today, okay?”

CR: (as if she’s won a major battle and still huffy): “Well good. You can’t ever get anything right with this company.”

CR: (aside to her husband presumably who was probably wishing to just vanish): “All those damn foriegners and stupid people, always messing up our bill. You just have to tell them straight. I know you and I put those ESBI charges on there from the computer but they don’t have to know that.” (she was apparently under the impression of several wrong conceptions…one, that people from Tennessee are stupid, two, that Tennessee is a foreign country, and three that I could not hear her..trust me folks, our headsets are some of the best…we can hear mouse fart sideways in the wind and when you think your on a silent hold, you arent. WE CAN HEAR YOU!…some one failed world geography, wheee!!!)

...to be continued...

--BryanTheWerewolf

CLICK HERE FOR PART 2

Call Center Idiot Custys

It’s been quiet lately…apparently all the idiots fell apart at once and we have them taped back together for the time being. Although since my last post about the Ameritrade fuckwad I’ve had plenty of dipshits, most of which are short quick stories, I thought I’d share a few =3

Cue Idiot 1:

Me: ____Help Desk, this is ISP slave.

Idiot 1: HELP!!!!

Me: 0.o …….with?

Idiot 1: My TV doesn’t have a picture!

*Check call tracks…notice 8+ calls in the past month all for the same problem…all wrong input around 3 of which were my calls too*

Me: Ok let’s *tell him how to change input*

Idiot 1: Oh, hmmm that actually seemed familiar… I should learn how to do that myself.

YA THINK?

* * * *

Cue Idiot 2:

*Customer calling about slow internet*

Me: Ok go ahead and unplug that router for me.

Idiot 2: O*click*……..

Idiot 2 had Vonage and didn’t bother to tell me.

* * * *

One thing I’ve found out…being tech savvy doesn’t always help when providing tech support sometimes you think “Nobody is that stupid” and look over the obvious.

Cue Idiot 3:

*After 15 minutes of troubleshooting I’m out of options I had no idea what was wrong*

*So one last time before the service call I try getting him to change the input…buuuuut*

Idiot 3: I think my remote is broken…nothing happens when I hit input.

Me: Ok make sure you hit the TV button before.

Idiot 3: Nope nothing…

Me: Hmmm ok out of curiosity can you just hit TV then the power button for me.

Idiot 3: *sigh* Ok

*I hear noise start*

Idiot 3: HEY there’s my picture! What was wrong?

Me: ……Your TV was off

This proved to me…never underestimate the idiocy of custys.

Till next time RHU

Reboot before you call!

--ISP Slave