Retail Hell Underground

Rude-ass Co-Workers

So today a woman walks up and starts ripping the clothes off the fucking sale rounder....

I asked the Piggy Bitch if she needs help. (or a trough)

She stares at me like I have three heads and responds with a very short and rude "NO!"

A few minutes later I see her with piles of clothes in her hands...

So I do my customer service duty and ask the dirty whore again.....

"Do you want me to start you a room?"

After a prissy little sigh, this is what the bitch says:

"I am counting sensors. I work for the company as a theft protection agent and all of these things have no sensors. And Your department just failed."

Well fuck me in the ass with a sensor!

I wanted to take the fucking sensors and turn her face into a dart board. I really could give two fucks about my department failing the sensor test.

Here I am trying to be all nice and offer great service and she turns out to be some security agent asshole.

Why didn't she tell me that in the first place?

I could have easily blown attitude right back at her, but nooooooo, I take the shitty high road and try to be a helpful teamplayer kiss-ass (Why? No fuckin clue. Maybe I needed caffeine). So, I let her know she doesn't have to hold the piles of clothes, she can leave them on the rack and count from there. 

I did this for two reasons - 1. It was ALL the NEW merchandise and none of it had sensors and she would have emptied the rack and made a huge mess, and 2. I didn't want her nasty greasy hands all over the thousands of dollars worth of new Marni - which I need to sell so I can eat next month!

I then asked the douche if I could help her sensor the rack and the bitch jumps down my fucking back and tells me she needed to count the pieces with no sensors before I could touch them. 

Before I touch them? What a fucking Sensor Nazi! I wanted her to touch my fists.

Dumbass bitch was too stupid to realize I was trying to help her....what is it with people?

Fuck rude co-workers who take their job too seriously! 

Retail Hell with Mr. and Mrs. Asshole

Hello motherfuckers! How are you all doing. I had something happen this week that really fucking pissed me off!

It was Friday afternoon and I was really busy and by myself and this impatient asshole comes in looking for a gift for his wife.

He yells,"Are you the only one here? Can't someone help me?"

Sure you fucking asshole let me pull my twin out of my asshole to help you! Wait your fucking turn!

So when I got to him a few minutes later, I went around the whole boutique with him searching for the perfect gift for his bitch. He finally picks out a Dolce and Gabbana $2,300 dress and hands me his card. It's declined.

Then the fucker asks ME to call his credit company to find out what the problem is (HE is my fucking problem).

The credit company tells me he can only spend $1,000. So another 40 minutes is spent picking out a bullshit gift. The impatient asshole leaves and I prayed to the Retail Gods I would never see him again.

Sunday morning comes and I'm still drunk from the night before and here comes Mr. Impatient Asshole and his bitch storming through the doors.

"We want to return this!"

Would you like to exchange it for something else maybe another dress for a thousand dollars? Mr. Asshole responds no and tells me to just put it back on his card.

Fucking douche. I'm going to loose commission! Pick something else out fucktards!

So they look around for another hour and pick out two things with a total of $3,000. Mr Asshole hands me the same card that did not go through the first time. And guess what? The fuckin card did not go through again. I wanted to punch him in the face!

So I call the credit card company again they said the same thing. Finally they decide to buy one dress for $800. Better than nothing I figure. As he's walking out the door, he says I hope we haven't been too much trouble with a grin out of his asshole shaped mouth.  

No trouble at all, you fucking douche bag! 

Later on as I'm getting ready to clock out and go drown my awful day with my good friends Jack Daniel and Jim Beam, here come Mr and Mrs Asshole again. WTF? I wanted to scream!

"We saw a lady with a sale $200 pink Versace dress and we want that one."

I let them know I had one in the back in black, I ran to the stockroom cursing all the way there and back hoping they were going to add this one to there other bag with the other dress and she was going to pull out another credit card with credit on it.

Mrs. Asshole says I'll take the sale dress and then Mr. Asshole hands me back the oth dress in which I had worked soooooo fucking hard to sell them and says we will just take the black one it's cheaper anyway.

Are you fucking kidding me? All of that for a $200 SALE Versace dress!

Then Mr. Asshole asked to me if I could hurry because they were late for some bullshitty dinner because they decided to came back to exchange. We'll excuse the fuck out of me!

So not only was he an impatient asshole but he was a fucking cheap ass impatient asshole!!!!!! I ended up leaving negative for the day.

To all you men and woman shoppers out there: Make up your fucking minds and stop wasting my fucking time with your bullshit. I work on commission!

And to Mr & Mrs Cheap Impatient Assholes: FUCK YOU!

 

Portrait of Carolanne Before Retail Hell

Carolanne was lucky enough to escape a closing shift and attend an evening art show where she found this painting of her self as child. Oh how the years of Retail Hell have changed Carolanne. From a sweet, innocent, carefree little girl infatuated by TV into this: CLICK HERE.

Women Who Need Buying Permission From Men Make Me Want to Beat Some Sense Into Them with My Dior Pumps

Hey there bitches, we are still working on getting through the shitty sale time but something had to be said about all the women customers out there who need approval from men when they buying clothes.

It really pisses me off and you women really need to grow a set!

I mean come the fuck on, it's 2008, not 1948! You work hard for your money! If you want to spend $400 on embroidered jeans, no one should tell you otherwise. It's your goddamn money. You're not telling him he shouldn't be buying that $500 gun rack or $1000 useless GPS system.

Almost on a daily basis I have a woman come in to return and say "My husband didn't like it" or "My husband said I cant have this!"

I'm sorry, your husband just said, "You can't have this?" I just want to jump over the counter and shake them and say, "What the fuck do you mean your husband said you can't have these jeans! You need to slap the shit out of him and bring down the rain by telling him there will be a mountain of stuff he won't be able to have if he doesn't get off your ass. And the first thing you take away is the blow jobs. Believe me, it won't be seconds before he's taking you and your new jeans out to dinner."

Fuck your husbands and grow some fucking balls! If you can't then you sure as fuck need to stop wasting all my time having me give you my fashion advice and product knowledge, show you every goddamn thing in the department, and basically hold your fucking hand for an hour while you decide what you want, and then you bring it back into the store a week later and tell me some fucked up shit like your "Husband didn't like it!" Who cares whether or not he fucking likes your new Jimmy Choo stilettos? If you fucking like them keep them! The douchebag won't be wearing them. Or Maybe he will.

And while I'm bitching about controlling husbands, another thing that sends me into a retail rage is when I've been helping some whiny bitch for an hour and she says, "Oh, I don't know maybe I need to call my husband and get his opinion first." You have got to be fucking kidding me, what the fuck? Are you in kindergarden? Are you so fucking retarded and color blind you can't make your own clothing decisions? There is nothing I hate more than women without independence and opinion. Unless you're going to tell me your husband is Alexander McQueen, Ralph Lauren, or Oscar de la fucking Renta, I suggest you go find your own style.

Anyway that's really all I should say about this for now. Fuck permission seeking, indecisive woman and their asshole men. I'm off to the fucking bar!

A Message To Sale Shoppers: Behave or Meet My Hammer!

Hey There Sale Slaves...

I am so over all the fucking Sale's bullshit questions and crazy bitches! I am over the whining, begging, griping, and retardation of almost all the customers!

There is a sign that says the shit is on SALE and underneath that SALE sign is the sale merchandise!! Why is that so fucking difficult for them? And why then do they proceed to take fucking items from another part of the store and put them on the sale shelf and then bitch at me when I tell them IT'S NOT ON FUCKING SALE!. If it's not marked it's not on FUCKING SALE! These sale bitches make me want to whip out my hammer and breaks some fucking fingers!

What the hell is wrong with all these Discount Rat Douchebags!!! I cannot mark the shit down for you no matter what you ask or offer and if you are rude to me I might just have to drop kick you in the Mother Fucking Face!!!!!!

A lot of Sale shoppers are so dumb and predictable I can see them coming from a mile away with their stupid ass questions:

Q. What time do you close?

A. After I beat you to death with my hammer.

Q. When is the Sale over?

A. When they find Osama Bin Laden you stupid fucking bitch.

Q. Is this on sale?

A. No you fucking Idiot! Ask me again and I'm gonna knock your teeth out with my fucking hammer!!!

Q.Will this get marked down more?
A. Yes, but I'm going to make sure I sell it to someone else just so it won't be here when it does get the big Red Axe. How do you like that, you Discount Rat Fucker.

Q. Where are the sale shoes?

A. On the left table where the gigantic red sign says SALE SHOES you dumb-shit, get your ass to Sylvan and learn how to fucking read!

Q.What about these over here on this table to the right? Are they on sale?

A. Fuck me up the ass with out lube! WTF!!!! You can't read and now you don't know the difference between your left and right? Go back to fucking preschool you retard. The ones on the LEFT asshole!

Q. Is it returnable even though it's on sale?

A. I can't believe you're stupid enough to ask me that? Of course it's returnable moron, but if you don't like it, don't fucking buy it and save us both the fucking headache.

Q. Are you sure you don't have any more sale jeans in the back?

A. If I had more sale jeans I would have pulled them directly out of my ass like David Copperfield. I do work on commission Fuckhead!

Q. Why can't you special order me this $19.99 sale tee?

A. Because the children in Singapore have moved on to sweaters.

Q. What's the sale price on this?

A. Thirty beatings with my FUCKING BLOODY HAMMER!

Well ,Retail Slaves, many of us still have a little longer till this sale shitty season is over. Until then I will continue screaming at dumb ass mother fuckers and threatening them with hammertime!

I think what would really help is if Stupid Fucking Customers would think before they speak! But we all know that will never happen. For many going shopping at sale is an excuse to leave your brain at home.

I'm fucking wiped out, pissed off, and over this goddamn sale shit! I need to take my paid vacation and get the hell away from beeping registers and track lighting before you see my fucking face on the news.

But until my island vacation comes, I will  be surviving Sale Retail Hell the only way I can: by numbing myself with lots of beer and hard liquor, trying to get the words out of my head..."Is this on sale?"