Retail Hell Underground

Craft Store Hell: Putting Out Valentine's Day With The Soundtrack of Horrible Christmas Music

From Shywriter:

I saw the picture of Valentine's stuff out on December 15th and had to write in. We just got our shipment in of Valentine's stuff yesterday (12/20) at my craft store. 

My supervisor has decided I'm the exclusive floral girl so I get to put out all the flowers that come in every shipment. Including Christmas flowers, disgusting glitter covered crap.

I spent last week putting out a giant shipment of...wait for it...spring flowers.

We haven't even had Christmas yet. It's going to be cold for another 4 months, minimum. But the Christmas stuff is slowly getting replaced with pink and spring colored stuff.

In other news, I'm about to stab my ears if I have to hear one more version of Santa Claus is coming to town, Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire, or Someday at Christmas with the creepy voiceover (The Temptations).

We literally only have maybe a dozen songs on our playlist but several different versions each.

I can't take much more of it.

--Shywriter

 

The Holidays Are Ridiculous

(A Retail Parody of Jolly Old Saint Nicholas)

The holidays are now ridiculous,
The economy is in a rut;
Greedy corporations exploit their slaves
So to all you retailers: KISS MY BUTT!

Obamacare is coming soon;
Those greedy bastards live in fear,
Companies are cutting hours and benefits
By making slaves work 365 days a year.

Holidays no longer exist;
Slaves must give their last blood and breath,
Family time is frowned upon
The new retirement is now called Death!

Black Friday is now the norm
Mass consumerism is celebrated on what you spent,
Expect more employee layoffs next year
As unemployment rises eight percent!

Walmart demolishes union efforts,
J.C. Penney replaces workers with automatons;
Sears and Kmart are closing more stores
While Target cracks the whip and the ownership baton!

High end retail continues to push luxury goods
While that poverty line does not bend,
Hurry up! You Apocalypse of 2012;
And make this rotten world end!

--Queer Geek

Jingle Bells, Shotgun Shells, Redneck Rampage All The Way

Dashing through the mall
8 PM Thankgiving Day
Through the stores they go
Charging all the way
Bells on registers ring
Make sure to ring them right
‘Cause angry bitch will pepper spray
Everything in sight!

Jingle bells, shotgun shells
Redneck rampage all the way
Hear the bash, the door doth crash
And then we start to pray
The gate is bent, Security went
To grab riot gear in Bombay!
Oh how we pray that we’ll survive
This curse’d holiday!

“I need new batteries!”
“I need to please my bride
Do you think she’d love
The whipsaw hanging by my side?”
“My kids just tipped the tree!
But not MY fault you see!
Nothing broke, but this store’s a joke
So it all should be for free!”

Jingle bells, shotgun shells
Redneck rampage all the way
Hear the bash, the door doth crash
And then we start to pray
The gate is bent, Security went
To grab riot gear in Bombay!
Oh how we pray that we’ll survive
This curse’d holiday!

They go to work each day
Making money left and right
So they all can come down
To kick and scream and fight.
Gushes crazed Gram,
“Sorry you have to work tonight!”
“Well it’s not like I had family
To make my evening bright.”

Chained In A Retail Nether World

(To the tune of Walking in a Winter Wonderland)

The phone doth ring, are you listening?

Insane line, tears a’glistening

A miserable sight

Sobbing all night

Chained in a retail nether world

 

Back is tired, eyes are blurred,

Sorry ma’am I haven’t heard

Please move along

The tag is all wrong

Chained in a retail nether world

 

At the lines we hear the weary scam,

As creepy dude leers you up and down

 

He'll say: Are you married?

We'll say: Whoa man!

Behave or Jason will hunt you down!

 

Later on, we’ll conspire

As we dream of rage and fire

To face unafraid

Arson plans we’ve made

Chained in a retail nether world

 

Door close after ten and we all began

Wishing for drinks in which we can drown

Nobody’s ever heard of a trash can

The manager gives us a dressing down.

 

“How dare you lazy slobs

Can’t you keep up with the mobs?

You had zone time all day, to put things away!"

Chained in a retail nether world

The Christmassacre Song!

Hey RHU! In one of my postings about a couple years ago, I was called Big Fancy Slave, but since I dont work there anymore and now I work at a small designer boutique, maybe Little Fancy Slave is more appropriate? Anyway, tis the season to want to bitch slap someone with an octopus so I figured it was time to share another rewritten Christmas classic.

Let me preface this by reminding you all that I'm NOT a serial killer.....

With that being said, sing along :)

 

 

The Christmassacre Song ( A rewrite of The Christmas Song)

Customers roasting on an open fire
Vicious dogs nipping at their bones
Irritating piggies being hung by a wire
And parts of bodies being thrown

Everybody knows a chainsaw and a huge crossbow
Help to make the season bright
Whiny brats who have made me their foe
Will find it hard to survive tonight

They know that payback's on it's way
And there are lots of awful piggies to slay
And every retail slave is gonna smile
At the thought of making you suffer for a while

And so, I'm offering the best advice
To customers from 1 to 92
If you want to live, lose that 'tude and be nice
Or you'll have an example made of you.

Queer Geek's Ridiculous Holidays Song Parody

 

 

THE HOLIDAYS ARE RIDICULOUS (A Retail Parody of Jolly Old Saint Nicholas)

 

By Queer Geek

 

 

The holidays are now ridiculous,

The economy is in a rut;

Greedy corporations exploit their slaves

So to all you retailers: KISS MY BUTT!

 

Obamacare is coming soon;

Those greedy bastards live in fear,

Companies are cutting hours and benefits

By making slaves work 365 days a year.

 

Holidays no longer exist;

Slaves must give their last blood and breath,

Family time is frowned upon

The new retirement is now called Death!

Black Friday is now the norm

Mass consumerism is celebrated on what you spent,

Expect more employee layoffs next year

As unemployment rises eight percent!

 

Walmart demolishes union efforts,

J.C. Penney replaces workers with automatons;

Sears and Kmart are closing more stores

While Target cracks the whip and the ownership baton!

High end retail continues to push luxury goods

While that poverty line does not bend,

Hurry up!  You Apocalypse of 2012;

And make this rotten world end!

 

--Queer Geek

 

Crustomer (To The Tune Of “Jingle Bells”)

Crustomer

By Dweazzle
To the tune of “Jingle Bells”

Dashing through the mall,
Get the fuck out of my way!
I’ve got shopping to do,
And I don’t want to pay!

You’ll give me discount rate,
Or I swear that I will sue,
“The Customer is God, you jerk!”
I’ll scream till I am blue!

(Chorus)

Crustomer, Crustomer,
I am never wrong!
All you slaves best do my will,
Or you won’t work here for long!

Coupons don’t expire,
No matter what they say,
Not good since ’92?
Use it anyway!

Managers, come here!
I want this asshole fired!
Been shopping here for forty years,
He’s obv’ously a liar!

(Chorus)

You can’t mean what you said,
There’s no way I’m gonna leave,
Face is turning red,
Your skull I’m gonna cleave!

Throw stuff on the floor,
I’m getting what I want,
Tantrums worked when I was four,
Entitlement I flaunt!

(Chorus)

Escorted to the door,
Haven’t heard the last of me!
Push you to the floor,
Now all my stuff is free!

Get me corporate now,
You won’t work again,
I’ll make sure you’re unemployed,
For telling me “No, Ma’am!”

(Chorus)

Cops are drawing nigh,
Can you see that you are screwed,
Arrest him, he’s the guy,
Told me I was rude!

No, I’ve done no wrong,
Why’re you taking me?
Stop smiling, you retail jerk
I’ll be back, just wait and see!

(Chorus)

CHRISTMAS IS CANCELLED!

T'WAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS – OLD SANTA WAS PISSED. 
HE CUSSED OUT THE ELVES AND THREW DOWN HIS LIST.

MISERABLE LITTLE BRATS, UNGRATEFUL LITTLE JERKS. 
I HAVE A GOOD MIND TO SCRAP THE WHOLE WORKS. 

I'VE BUSTED MY ARSE FOR DAMN NEAR A YEAR. 
INSTEAD OF "THANKS SANTA" – WHAT DO I HEAR?

THE OLD LADY BITCHES CAUSE I WORK LATE AT NIGHT… 
THE ELVES WANT MORE MONEY –THE REINDEER ALL FIGHT.

RUDOLPH GOT DRUNK AND CRASHED THE DAMN SLED. 
DONNER IS PREGNANT, VIXEN'S OUT OF HIS HEAD. 

AND JUST WHEN I THOUGHT THAT THINGS WOULD GET BETTER,
THOSE ARSEHOLES FROM THE TAX OFFICE SENT ME A LETTER.

THEY SAY I OWE TAXES – IF THAT AIN'T DAMN FUNNY. 
WHO IN THE HELL EVER SENT SANTA MONEY?

THE KIDS THESE DAYS – THEY ALL ARE THE PITS. 
THEY WANT THE IMPOSSIBLE…THOSE MEAN LITTLE SHITS.

I SPENT A WHOLE YEAR MAKING WAGONS AND SLEDS,
ASSEMBLING DOLLS, THEIR ARMS, LEGS AND HEADS,

I MADE TONS OF YOYO'S –NO REQUEST FOR THEM…
THEY ALL WANT COMPUTERS…I'M NOT IBM!

FLYING THROUGH THE AIR…DODGING THE TREES,
FALLING DOWN CHIMNEYS AND SKINNING MY KNEES. 

I'M QUITTING THIS JOB…THERE'S JUST NO ENJOYMENT. 
I'LL SIT ON MY ARSE AND DRAW UNEMPLOYMENT!

--Shit Happens, Facebook Humor Page

Christmas Music Hell In November: Change The Lyrics In Your Head

From Riferous:

Merry dadgum Christmas RHU. 

What's that?  It's only early November?  Oh yeah, I forgot since I'VE BEEN LISTENING TO CHRISTMAS MUSIC ALL DAY.

Today (November 10th) is our annual holiday open house and, as expected, they broke out the Christmas music.  

It has driven me nuts already, so I had to resort to parodies to keep myself amused. 

Here's some of the day's best.

 

"We Need A Little Christmas"

 

This is November,

All of this Christmas shit is fucking premature!

And come December,

I'll be hanging from a Christmas tree-ee.

Because we need a little Christmas,

But only in December,

Not in November,

Sure as hell not in this weather oh

We need a little Christmas,

Not in July or in September,

and I DON'T WANT NO FUCKING CHRISTMAS NOW!

 

"A Holly Jolly Christmas"

 

It's a month and a half til Christmas,

It's the worst time of the year.

We've had no snow

To freeze our toes, but God I need a beer

It's a month and a half til Christmas,

And in case you didn't hear,

Save your music cuz

December 25 is Christmas every year!

 

"Winter Wonderland" (in the style of 2 Live Crew)

 

In the ghetto we can fuck Martinez.

Also we can fuck Martinez' wife.

I'll say "Martinez" and you say "suck dick"

And fuck Martinez' pussy eating wife...

 

Save your own sanity!  Send in your parodies!

 

Stay classy, RHU!

 

--Riferous

To see more Christmas Song Massacres Click here.

 

V'ger Overlord Babbles In Traumatized Horror

With the need for a job growing steadily stronger, I humbled myself down to puny mortal form and attended an interview for a job today. Not wishing to jinx hmyself, I cannot say how well or poorly I did, other than it went better than the one before it, where no actual questions had been asked and merely an explanation of the business I was applying for was given. So, it went better than that? Meh, at this point the bar is low enough to declare "Good enough."

With the stress of answering questions over and done with, I climbed into my car and set out onto the freeway for the 30 minute drive back home. Stress over, I flicked on the radio.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NO NO NO NO! It cannot be! We've been lucky so far! None of the malls have been playing this shit. None of the stores have begun yet. None of our local slaves have pasted that frozen look of traumatization and pain upon their features yet! It's not possible! There's no snow! There isn't even the standard California winter rains!

Wait! I know! This is a flashback! Of course. Every retail slave has these around this time of year. Right right, you're okay. Just change the radio station! See? It's okay. I'm all right. The sweet tones of Belinda Carlisle soothe my frazzled nerves.

As the standard commercials for the radio station come on I flick my way through the six radio stations I have programmed into my radio. Commercial. Commercial. Radio static interferance. Rot a song I like...

It took all of my power to change the station, where thank heaven, a car commercial was playing that was infinitely better to listen to. As it was, I grabbed my imaginary bartender by the throat and started ordering shots. He broke into a sweat at the look in my eyes and agreed.

The time of year where I just turn the fucking radio station off and shove a CD into the player until the day after Christmas seems to get longer each year...

The Restroom Door Said Gentlemen So I Just Walked Inside

The restroom door said gentleman so I just walked inside,
I took two steps and realized I've been taken for a ride.
I heard high voices, turned and found the place was occupied,
By two nuns, three old ladies and a nurse.
What could be worse?
Than two nuns, three old ladies and a nurse.
The restroom door said gentleman it must have been a gag,
As soon as I walked in there I ran into some old hag.
She sprayed me with a can of mase and smacked me with her bag,
I could tell, this wouldn't be my day.
What can I say?
It just wasn't turning out to be my day.
The restroom door said gentleman and I'd would like to find,
The crummy little CREEP who had the nerve to switch the signs.
'Cause I got two black eyes and one high heel up my behind,
Now I can't, sit with comfort and joy.
Boy oh boy.
Now I'll never sit with comfort and joy.

--Bob Rivers

Seriously, the guy in the song did it accidentally. Just how bad do you peeping toms think you'll have it for being deliberate?

Have Yourself A Merry Return Season

From pennyslut:

(to the tune of "Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas":


Have yourself a merry return season,
Prepare for a fight
That some con,
Without a receipt, will incite

Have yourself a merry return season,
You’ll hear the old cliché:
“The customer’s always right”
Bitches and NAT’s will say…

“Return this shirt without much delay!”
(Prob’ly didn’t fit – she’s a boar)
“No, I don’t have the receipt…
STORE CREDIT?!? What for?!?”

Drink some beers,
To keep it all together -
They’ll be a huge crowd…
You never hated Dec.26^th as much as you do now
So have yourself a merry return season, now

happy holidays, RHU. try to make the best of 'em.
may all your customers be out of sight! 

--pennyslut <33

 

RHU POLL: What Christmas Songs Are Currently Driving You Insane?

Poll Time RHUers! I want to know what current Christmas songs are driving you insane? Has Bieber made you want to grab a shot gun and start shooting at speakers in the ceiling? You can also include your most annoying Christmas song of all time and moments of service hell that went down while Santa Baby is playing for the millionth time.

Do You Hear What I Hear? A Re-mixed Retail Christmas Song

From Benevolent Convenience Store Clerk:

"Said the custy bitch to vapid whore.
Do you see what I see?
Way over there in the corner, vapid whore?
Do you see what I see?
A retail slave, a retail slave!
Dead in that pool of blood with a knife in their chest?
With a growing pool of blood.
With a growing pool of blood.

Said the vapid whore to the discount rat.
Do you hear what I hear?
Cries of pain through the store, discount rat?
Do you see what I see?
A retail slave slumped over a mess of collapsed shelves.
That once held potato chips?
With a voice as big as the congealing puddle of blood?
With the smell of blood fouling up the store?

Said the discount rat to the store manager
Do you know what I know
In your convenience store, manager?
Do you know what I know?
A retail slave, a retail slave!
Has bled all over the chips!
Give me a discount, these chips are bloody!
Give me a discount, these chips are bloody!

Said the manager to his retail lemmings?
Listen to what I say
Don't do as Delusional Convenience Store Clerk has done.
Listen to what I say
The retail slave, the retail slave!
Dead over in the corner, in a pool of their own shit & blood.
They will get a pink slip, await unemployment benefits!
They will never work retail again!

The retail slave, the retail slave!
They will get a pink slip, await unemployment benefits!
They will never work retail again!"

--Benevolent Convenience Store Clerk

Christmas Song Massacre: Silver Bells = Piggy Hell

Another chainsawed Christmas song from Big Fancy Slave:

Hello again, fellow slaves.

I may as well record a retail remix album of rewritten Christmas songs! Seriously how awesome would that be if all our fellow slaves could have that or even somehow do a little switch of the store music...

Anyway here is a rewrite of "Silver Bells" called "Piggy Hell".

'm sure we all can relate to this mess.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Piggy Hell, Piggy Hell

It's Christmess time, what a pity

Weapons I bring, hear me sing

Soon it will be over, I pray

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Crowded sales floor, messy sales floor

 

Drowned in holiday hell

 

In my gut there's a feeling of sickness

 

People trashing and harassing

 

Destroying aisle after aisle

 

And after every miserable hour you see

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Piggy Hell, Piggy Hell

It's Christmess time, what a pity

Weapons I bring, hear me sing

Soon it will be over, I pray

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Piles of rejects, disheveled rejects

Carelessly tossed on the floor

As shoppers trample you to death over a sweater

Hear someone bitch like a wicked witch

Determined to make a huge scene

And above all this bullshit you see

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Piggy Hell, Piggy Hell

It's Christmess time, what a pity

Weapons I bring, hear me sing

Soon it will be over, I pray

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

--Big Fancy Slave