Retail Hell Underground

Hilarious Text-to-Movie Animation of Walmart's Worst Custy

True story, this really happened. --Walmart's Bitch

 

 

So true in all forms of Retail Hell...I had this at The Big Fancy as well...what can you do but laugh about it at the end of the day! --Freddy

 

 

EBT Custys From Planet Dickhead

From Hiedi:

Been meaning to submit this for quite some time, and after reading what happened to beauty bitch, I have to submit my own EBT card hell incident.

A couple months ago, when my husbands hours at his old job had been cut to about 10 hours a week (due to new owners running into the ground) he took a temp job with the state. At the welfare office.

No biggie. The hours were great-Noon to 4:30 three days a week. He was filling in for someone on maternity leave at the time. Anyway….

He worked at the reception desk/EBT window. His job was to sign people in and hand out new and replacement EBT cards. If someone came in asking about their case, he could look up some information, like if they were missing say a copy of their light bill or their caseworker needed a recent pay stub, he could look that up and tell them. He could also make copies of paperwork, help out with filling out applications ect.

Shortly after noon one day (keep in mind 11:30-1ish is when 95% of the staff/workers were on lunch) a black woman with an attitude came in. She walked up to him demanding, not asking, but demanding in a loud, rude tone where the hell my food stamps at, and snapped her fingers at him like he was a lap dog.

He asked her what her name and birth date was (to make sure he was looking at the right client) and she said I ain’t gotta tell you that. My babies are starving, where the hell my food stamps at bitch? I been in here every day this past week you should know who I am by now.

He said “Sorry, I have to verify your identity.” She snapped back with “Fine, whatever,” and told her his name.

He looked up her case on his computer and saw the issue right away-her case worker needed
a landlord statement. A week ago. And her case worker had noted in her file every day for a week when he talked to her he needed the landlord statement to finish processing her food stamps or she wouldn’t get any until she turned one in. He gave her a copy of the form, even offered to fax it to her land lord.

Note-In my state, a landlord statement is a one page form your land lord signs. It’s basically who lives in the apartment/house, how much is the rent, what utilities does the tenant pay for and does Section 8 or other house program cover all or part of the rent and the landlords name/address. It literally takes the land lord like 5 minutes, if that to fill out.

Hubby tells bitch this. She starts screaming about how her babies have been hungry for a week how dare he deny them food. Not just screaming, but screeching. He tells her there’s nothing anybody can until she turns it in. He offers to fax the form to her land lord, even call him personally to say please fill this out right away and fax it back to us.

She snaps at him and says that her landlord ain’t home today and he don’t need to know her business anyway and she wants to see a supervisor. He tells her that the supervisor and her caseworker will say the same thing-she needs to have the form filled out and turned in. He even tells her if she gets it in by 2pm today, her caseworker will have the food stamps processed by 3, and she’ll have her food stamps on her card sometime between 5:30 and 7 that night. He even offers to call a local crisis clinic food bank, a block a way, so she can pick up a bag of food so her and her kids have something to eat until the stamps show up on the card.

Now, this woman lived in an apartment complex 2 blocks away, a rather large one. Someone was always in the management office to sign the form.

Hubby tells her again the case worker needs the landlord statement. He can either fax it to the office, call them to tell them to fax it back to the worker right away because of the situation, or she can take the form herself go to the office and come back.

She’s still screaming about how he’s denying her children food, how dare he, she’s gonna call CPS on HIM for not allowing her children to eat and huffs away.

He helps the next client in line, and things start to calm down. 5 minutes later or so, here comes the same bitch back, cuts in line in front of 6 other people who were waiting nicely and huffs and puffs and snarls about how she “might” have that form in her purse.

She then proceeds to dump out the contents of her rather large purse. When she dumps, yes, dumped, the contents of her purse on the counter, out fell a couple $50 bills. BUT that wasn’t the kicker-sprawled out on the counter was 9 packs of name brand smokes. Yes, 9 packs of smokes and a receipt for them. He grabbed the receipt and looked at the date-it was for an hour before she came in screaming about her food stamps.

Hubby, trying not to loose her cool, said “You have the money for smokes but can’t feed your children?”

She snatched the receipt out of his hand and said “Don’t judge me! My babies are hungry. Here’s your fucking form. Now where the fuck is my fucking food stamps so I can feed my hungry babies?”

He takes the form and tells her the case worker will give her a call later this afternoon over when she can expect the food stamps and tells her to leave. He was ready to go medieval on her ass at that point. She leaves bitching and screaming about how he’s denying her hungry children food and that’s not right and he’s gonna be reported.

When hubby told the caseworker what happened, she was appalled to the point she put the client on protective payee status, meaning she had to go through a third party to receive any cash benefits from the state for a full year (Whatever was left over, if anything, the client would get after the payee pays the persons rent and utilities with the cash benefits.)

I don’t get it. Really. I don’t. While I don’t like smoking, and I think smoking is a complete waste of money-I understand the need to get a pack of smokes.

What I don’t get is if money is so tight, you are so broke you can’t afford to buy food without food stamps and you come across some cash and you and your kids are hungry/without a drop of food in your home-why in the world would you choose several packs of smokes over a day or two’s worth of food?

--Hiedi

Awesome Custy Tells Off Bitch Manager

From Sweetie @ Criminal:

I think I have a nice story for you. I work at a preteen girl's clothing store; which for all purposes of not going to jail I'll call "Criminal". The store I work at is the busiest store in the entire region, unfortunately its managed by Ditzy DumbAss (DD). She fucks up procedure and protocol. DD has a select bunch of custys that come in and ask for her specifically, since they are like BFF's or something. Fuck I don't care if you are Michelle Obama you ain't getting special treatment from me.

One day, I'm on cash wrap when one of her BFFs comes in and asks for her, but she's busy looking for something in the back for another person. So I ring her up and she wanders around waiting for her. Another custy comes in asking for a seasonal interactive toy, practically begging me for one; I told that we had one left in our window display. Here is the play by play of what happens next:

DD walks out the back room, overhearing what I said: "Are you sure? I think it was one of the other ones in there."

Me: "No, I'm positive." (I'm positive about it since I was waiting outside the store 10 minutes after opening time for DD to come back from the bank.)

DD then runs up to the front to check; I start ringing up the frantic custy with a smug look knowing I'm right. DD comes back saying there is no toy.

Me: "That's impossible, I saw it in there!" So I go and look since there is no line, and sure enough there is no toy in the window. I get back to the cash wrap and tell Frantic that I will call another store to hold one for her; after I do so she leaves. I'm standing at the cash wrap thinking if I'm seeing things, maybe I need to go home.

DD:"Why did you say we had one!"

*me still looking confused*

BFF comes up to counter: "That was close!"

*HUH??? is plainly written on my face.*

DD:" This nice woman asked for that toy LAST WEEK! So apologize that you almost sold HER
toy to someone else." (note: we only have a 24 hour holding policy)

Me: "We have the toy??"

DD then proudly explains how she knew that we had the toy and that she had forgotten to put it on hold for her BFF, so it wound up in the display. She ran up to the front, took the toy out of the display, and gave it to her BFF before she got back to the cash wrap; like she was in Mission Impossible or some shit. As she is saying this all I'm thinking is that this bitch just made me look stupid in front of a custy. So I ring BFF up for the toy at full price, but DD steps in and says to give her 40% off for inconvenience. So not only does she con someone out of the toy she gets it for cheap. At this point I'm fuming, but I grin and tell her to have a nice day.

So frankly my day has been ruined, and I'm liable to miserable the rest of my shift. That is until lil ol' lady comes up to me and points to DD and says,"That one, she's a bitch! But you are a sweetie to put up with her."

BEST DAY EVER!!

---Sweetie @ Criminal

Hated Custy Phrases: "Cheer Up"

Hey guys! It's Cherry IScream!

No present day stories just yet, but Stepford Snarker's post about hated Custy phrases gave me a traumatic flashback to my own least favorite.

"Cheer up!" or variations on that theme.

Dear Custys,

On average, I work more than 10 hours per shift. Before I can even think about getting home, late at night while the creepy drunkards are on the streets and the buses only come once every 20 minutes, I have to clean up your mess. If I'm lucky enough to have a shorter early shift, it's so bright in the cafe in the mornings that I have on more than one occasion had to wear sunglasses. INDOORS. Your children are loud, we are always understaffed and there are only two temperatures: too hot and too cold.

When you tell me I need to cheer up, I want to break your jaw.

Not long before I left B+Js, a woman came in and ordered a coffee. I was tired and I was only three hours in, so I was a little... muted that day. And this woman was by no means cheerful herself. She looked as sullen as I felt. So when she snapped at me to "Cheer up!", I wanted so much to respond.

I even had a great response ready.

"Service with a smile costs extra." Said as deadpan as I could manage.

But unfortunately due to the closure of the other business I used to work at, B+J is my only reference, and she looked like the type to complain at management. So I bit my tongue.

A deadpan look can work wonders, but DAMN. Sometimes custYs don't realize the only things saving them from a bloody nose are the counter between us and the CCTV in the corner.

Keep it sane people.

--Cherry IScream

Douchebag Restaurant Custy Gets Told

Restaurant_Slave gets a Retail Balls Award for not taking crap from friends of the boss and delivering a great comeback to a rude comment:

Hello RHU world!

Today I bring you a tale of vouchers and gift certificates.
(The following story includes idiot custys trying to use two 10% off meals vouchers on the same bill. And balls of steel to tell them no.)

Roll back to January '11, we offered vouchers to customers for 10% off their meals, to be used before January 31st 2011. It clearly states on the vouchers that they were for one food bill only and one per customer, they also have no monetary value.

Now, every time I offered someone one of these vouchers, I always told them the rules so they knew. Most people were fine and remembered...some didn't.

Cue a table of 4 that were booked in, had their meals and drinks, everything was fine for them. Here's the kicker, they were friends of the boss (bossman told me himself he knew them personally). Now I'm pretty sure all of you fellow slaves know how entitled custys can be when they know the bossman/woman. These people were no different.

They come up to my little desk to pay their bill, ask what their total is, I tell them and hand over their copy of the bill so they can see for themselves. Instead of nicely putting the voucher in my hand, they toss 2 vouchers in my general direction without so much as a "oh, by the way I have a voucher". For some inexplicable reason my temper is pretty short these days (must be the years of dealing with idiots), and I may have been a little bit rude back to them.

Me: "I'm sorry sir, but you can only use one of these vouchers, it does clearly state on the bottom one per food bill" (I had moved slightly backwards at this point nearer the telephone as the guy's face had gone from happy to 'you fucking what?!' in seconds)

Idiot: "but we've come as couples and we want to pay seperately with these vouchers. You should have made us seperate bills!"

Me: "I'm sorry, but because you did not tell me when you first came in that you wanted separate bills, I did not write out separate bills, I do not write out separate bills unless I am asked. I'm not a mind reader. Now I will accept one, and only one voucher. You will have to pay the rest of the bill in money."

Idiot "Well I don't like your attitude. I know Bossman he said I could use both of them, and he will not be happy that you will not accept our second voucher."

Me: "Go right on ahead with that, I'll just go get him" (he was in the kitchen, I went and explained the situation to him and he said to just keep telling them only one voucher)

Me: "Bossman has told me he has not said anything of the sort, and that you can use one of the vouchers, as I have repeatedly told you. So please hurry up and pay, you're holding up my restaurant, I have customers waiting to be served which I cannot do at the moment."

Idiot "Chuntering away under his breath - something about 'stupid idiot girl, doesn't know what she's doing' "

I ignore his chuntering and steady stream of swears, make him fork over the money and voucher for the bill (I had deducted the 10%), I see him trying to make a grab for both of the vouchers back, so I grabbed one of the vouchers and scrawled in huge black letters VOID. Gave him a sickly sweet 'I secretly want to kill you' smile, handed him back the still valid voucher, put the money in the till and went to serve my customers.

As I was serving customers, I thought he was finally gone, he shouted from the doorway "I'm not giving you a tip, you're a stupid uneducated cow".

I tried to resist the urge to shout back, it failed.

M: "I'm not uneducated, I have 7 GCSE's from A to C, and 5 A Levels, and I'm going to Oxford."

His face dropped.

Sorry that it was so long, I felt that everyone should laugh at his incompetence.

--Restaurant_Slave

BTW RHU'ers...

I'm not really going to Oxford, I told him that for the funsies :)

Call Center Slave Rant

From Brie:

Hi there fellow RHUers. Being stalking in the shadows for awhile but could never submit and thanks to the new smartphone I believe I can now =) I <3 rhu, you guys keep me sane. you can call me.... Idk.... Just call me Brie for now I'll think up something awesome later.

So anyways I work for an outsourced call center where we answer questions for all our awesome customers who well "rule the air" or so they think. Entitled customers are killing me. Seriously. Just because you have been a customer with us since 1645 does not mean I can magically make you your own personal calling plan. Its impossible. Nor can I transfer you to the guy that quote MAKES THE PLANS /quote nor can I give you the CEO's cell number. The first dude just doesn't exist. And hell I haven't even met the CEO of my outsource much less the big guy. Hello where is everyones brain lately?

On another note as everyone should know by now our magical red company just got a deal with Apple to sell iPhones ugh. Kill me. Dead. Now. I started reading customers minds. No ma'am I can not change your contract date so you can upgrade. We signed a contract with Apple stating this was impossible. And no begging and threatening terminating all 7 of your lines will not change my mind or the companys.

However reminding you each of your lines comes with atleast an early termination fee of $300 will change yours so good luck with that. IPhones are seriously seriously not that important. I've been with our competitor aka at&t forever now and there are currently 2 in my family and they aren't anything special. But it seems when we say that a custy can't have one at present time we are taking away their rights as a freaking person. I've had people sobbing and screaming that they must have one. Seriously? *Bangs head on keyboard* fml

Now my serious pet peeve..... Customers that automatically start screaming for a supervisor like they have magical superpowers that I don't. Yea right. My supervisor is gonna do the exact same thing I am. And plus you still have to tell me what's going on before I get her. And cursing me isn't going to get you to one any faster because guess what we have the "3 strikes and your out" policy.

Basically meaning I warn you 2 times to behave in a professional manner and if I have to a third time you get hung up on. Sorry but I am not about to be harassed by some douchebag. That's just not me. And policy says I can. So I utilize it. Often. I'm not the kind of rep who lets you push me around to get your way. Hah. Quick funny story before I go though:

This guy sounded about 70 and was from Georgia (no offense to old southerners as I'm from Alabama lol so no one get all wound up)

"Hi I need to activate my new iPhone."

"Okay have you downloaded iTunes to your computer yet?"

"What's iterms?"

"No iTunes the music software you have to have on your computer to run an iPhone. Have you downloaded that yet?"

"Well no...."

" Ok... Well do you have internet access available to you at the present time?"

"Um..
Access?"

"Yea.... Can you get on the internet on your computer?"

"I don't have a computer."

"Oh well do you have a friend or realative who would mind if you used their computer
every once in awhile to update and utilize your new iPhone?"

"Look bitch I don't have none of that fancy shit I just want my phone to fn work!!"

"Okay sir..... You have to have a computer to use an iPhone it is literally impossible to have an iPhone without a computer."

"You're a liar!! I can go to the store and activate my phone just like I can with all the other phones!"

"No sir actually you cannot. the store cannot activate an iPhone for you. You must have a computer. I would advise you either invest in a computer or send your iPhone back and stick with something simpler that doesn't require internet access to run"

" F u. F u and your money hungry company. I'll just throw it away I don't need your phone nor do I need anything. I hate you. Your a lying whore..... Blahblahblah psycho babble..."

Me in middle of his freak out...

" Sir.. You can return your phone with the included shipping label and pay the $35 restocking fee and pick another phone within 14 Days. Now.... I'm going to have to end this call due to irate inappropriate behavior have a nice day and thanks for calling. "

By then he was screaming something about he'd find me and god would punish me for lying. That man was the prime example of someone who truly does not need an iPhone in their life....

Hah. More crazys to come (including my near death experience at the big blue home improvement store.... involving two NATs...)
Gotta love retail!

But until next time
Stay strong
Love and other indoor sports

--Brie ^_~

Strange Custy Story

Fluffymankillr here.

I was thinking back on my time in customer service, and I remembered a story that I had not shared with many people, because of the total weirdness of it all. I was worried that if I told this story, people would assume either A: I had made it up for a laugh or B: I was crazy for believing a customer could be so odd.

Many years ago (like 3) I was standing behind the customer service desk, minding my own business. It was about 9 am on a Saturday morning, and there were only 3 custys in the entire store. As I am standing there, wondering when I would get a break, and go buy some delicious doughnut goodness for breakfast, an older lady shuffles up to the counter with a full cart. She was one of those custys you see and just say "ohh boy". She was in her PJ's, and in house slippers.

Now, when a college student comes in dressed like that at night, during final's week, it is understandable. Why a woman, probably someone's Grandma, would wander into public dressed like that on a Saturday morning is beyond me. But I saw her, and my Retail instincts told me she was either going to be a pain to deal with, or be loony. Or both.
She arrived at my counter and slammed her purse onto the countertop. "You need to CALL someone," she wheezed at me.

I waited for a minute, and she just stared at me. "Who can I call for you?" I asked politely. "It's not just for ME, it's for EVERYONE. Do you know how filthy this store is?" Then she waved a handkerchief at me. "Look at this. JUST LOOK." Her volume was increasing during the exchange, and some of the bored cashiers are beginning to look over at us. "Ma'am, can you explain the problem, please?" Still brandishing her handkerchief, she said "I went to buy some light bulbs, and they were DUSTY!

I wiped them all off with my handkerchief and now it is filthy too! You need to get some
associates to go back there and dust off your light bulbs!" I had never had a complaint about dust before, and I looked at her cart and saw that they were the light bulbs that are supposed to last like, a lifetime. In my mind I wanted to tell her that the dust was there on purpose, to prove that, once you buy the light bulbs, they last forever, so they never get moved because no one buys them! But I shrewdly sensed that she would not be amused. I told her I was sorry that she was unhappy with the product and that I would ask my manager if they could send someone to dust, but that I was unable to delegate that kind of task to other employee's.

She snatched her purse up and nodded at me, and shuffled off with her dusty rag. I went back to see the light bulbs during my break, and I saw that she had dusted not only the light bulbs she was purchasing, but ALL of them. I eventually forgot the entire thing, until one of the cashiers talked to me later and said that the lady wanted to file a complaint on ME, because I had not written down anything she had said. I wondered what the manager's face would be if she DID call about me, and the dusty light bulbs. I never heard about it again, and I do not know if the light bulbs were ever dusted. I told the guys in grocery that a lady had complained about dusty merch, but they just laughed about it.

So, while the story is anti-climactic, it IS just...really odd.

-- Fluffymankillr

Crazy Custy Gets Traumatized

From Durango Deli Slave:

Hey there all!

The other day I was waxing muse with one of our new deli slaves, sharing stories of times gone by and the crazy crap that has happened in our little corner of hell, and I remembered fondly one of the funniest moments in the deli. I thought I would share it with you all today, and I hope it will put a smile on your face.

So this took place a few years ago when I first started and actually still had a sense of humor when talking with the customers. A husband and wife were scoping out my cold salad case, "ooo'ing" and "ahhh'ing" at everything, and asking me about every salad (it seemed), The wife stops and looks at one of our dessert salads, called "5 cup salad". Basically, its Cool Whip, a pack of unmixed Pistachio pudding and multi colored mini-marsh mellows all mixed in a bowl. It comes out pretty colorful and fluffy, and most people seem to like it.

Wife: Oooo, what's that?

Me: That's our, 5 cup salad.

Wife: It's so colorful! What's it made of?

Me: (Without thinking and being in a joking mood I replied with a very serious) : Care Bears.

The husband chuckled, I let out a chuckle, but look of horror on this womans' face... you would have thought I was eating a live puppy in front of her. With the husband still chuckling she grabbed his arm and headed straight to the front of the store, where she complained about me to the store manager. I have no idea what was said, but when he came to talk to me about it, all he said was, "That wasn't a joke to her. I don't know if she thinks Care Bears are real or what, but don't do it again."

To this day, whenever the salad is made, it is fondly referred to as, Care Bear Salad.

Stay strong, Retail Slaves! And remember, sometimes you just gotta laugh.

-Durango Deli Slave

Hell Spawn Brigade Destroys Store

From Glamazon:

Arrrrgh- Glamazon, your fave Consignment Wench here...

Just had my small store invaded by 4 demon spawn with their various aunties, dad, mom, grandma. The brats ignored any one who tried to corral them in, and ran screaming through the clothing racks. THEN when the igmo family left, the hellspawn ran out the door, except for one who tried to hang onto the plastic vertical  sensor gates at the door.

"Ever So Wise" Mama grabs him by the arm, and he pulls the sensor gate out of the floor in an effort to stay in the store. Mama still pulling him, and the rest of the family mulling around as if they have seen this act 1000 times before, I smile sweetly and say "honey please, in this store we look  but don't touch".

Now the owner doesn't care if I tell people ANYTHING and knows that I tend to deal nicely, but effectively with brats.

A lone redneck skank who stunk like 50 ashtrays had come in prior to the "let's destroy the store" trick, and said "Don't blame him, he's not the bad one!" I said "yes, you are right, some people don't parent when they shop". She snaps "I don't think I want to shop here, I am getting a bad vibe from you".I smiled sweetly, looked up from straightening the racks and called out in a happy tone, "That's fine, thanks!!!".

--Glamazon

What Would You Really Like To Say To The Tired Custy Question: Are You Open?

Hi all! For those of you who don't know me, I am Mistress Retail.

I work at an airport news stand and deals with custys around the world from the dumbass to the asshole.

For those who know me, I'm sorry for not bringing you any of my latest adventures. None of the world travelers have been sticking out in my mind for me to share.

But I do get a handfull of stupid questions from the ever famous "Do you work here?" to "Do you have to come back through security after you smoke?"

But the most frequently asked question I get is, "Are you open?"

What are some smart ass answers you would say to the custys?

--Mistress Retail

 

Awesome Custy Comeback Lines

From Mr. C U Next Tuesday:
 
Entitled Custy "Haven't you heard the customer is always right?"

Me: "Well yes I have, and when I'm not working I'm a customer."

Shit pleasing smile.

 

Nasty Man: "Do you call that customer service?!"

Me: "Absolutly Not Sir! But service ended when you chose to swear at me. Now have a nice day."

Dumbass: "Ok I get that you can't give me a qoute, but can you give me an estimate?"

Me: "Mmm, you know that they are the same thing right?"
 

Angry Man: "I want it replaced! Its wear and tare!" He rages

Me: "You smashed it to pieces, thats not wear and tare."
 

Nice lady: "Excuse me do you work here?"

Me: "Mmm when I feel like it."

We both had a laugh at that one!
 

Jersey Douche: "Thats fucking Gay!"

Me: "No its the price, and I'm the one who's gay, please don't offend me."
 

Cranky Bitch: "I'm in a hurry! Your line is too long."

Me: With raised voice "Oh ok I'll just tell all these people your in a hurry then?"

Shit pleasing smile/
 

Douche Custy: " Hey es'ay do you work here."

Me: "I'm not a term paper, and yes I do!"
 

Hell Bitch: "I hate this store" she says to me while her spawn are looking at the walls.

Me: "Well think of it as Karma, for all the shoe stores you have dragged them into."
 

 

Godzilla Mother: "Your line took to long!" She roars

Me: "I'm sorry about your weight mama."

Hell Whore: "Why wont you sell my son that game, I was waiting in the car!"

Me: "Because it has rape scenes in it."

Hell Whore: "Oh give me a break! Its not like they don't see it on TV!"
 

Pissy Daddy: "I want to return this."

Me: "Sorry there are no refunds on Boxing Day."

Pissy Daddy: "Fuck, fine then give the Mario."

Me: "Sorry we are sold out."

Pissy Daddy: "I hate you and this store!"

He leaves after waiting in line from 7:30 am to 9 am with nothing to show for it. LOL

--Mr. C U Next Tuesday

Coworker Hell: Why I Can't Be Bothered To Come In Today

From Majuba:

Well, I think I have just heard one of the best excuses in the category of "why I really couldn't be fucked coming to work today".

Hi all, its Majuba, the bakery slave at an Aussie supermarket 'the fresh food people'.

Last Sunday I turned up for my shift at 6am and was rather surprised to find the staff door opened by Manager Baby-face (I'd introduced you to Baby-face before - nicknamed for his round cheeks, blue eyes and blond hair). I was surprised to see him since he's the deputy store manager and store managers and their deputies don't usually get in till a couple of hours after I start work.

Now, previously, I have told you of our company's policy that no-one is to be in the store totally alone. Manager Baby-face tells me that a young guy from the fruit n vege department (a.k.a F&V Guy) had been assigned to start at 3am to keep the baker (here-after known as GrouchyBaker) company....F&V Guy didn't show up.

GrouchyBaker has a key so he let himself in and went straight upstairs and called Baby-face. Baby-face was pissed off since it was 3.30am and it was his day off (his first sunday off in several weeks), but he still came into the store.

Baby-face called F&V Guy to find out what happened...the guy's response??

....wait for it....

"Oh, I felt too tired so I didn't bother coming in."

....are you serious??

...WTF!!!....you don't say that to the bloody deputy store manager!!!

Anyone with a dash of smarts at least fakes some coughing or tells them you've been throwing up all night...not that your too tired so you couldn't be arsed coming to work!!

**NEWS FLASH**

We all feel tired but we know that's not a reasonable excuse to not show up at work. Baby-face was not a happy little camper when he let me in the door, I can tell you that.

Have to say, I laughed when he told me the tale...then asked if I could borrow that excuse for next week...

Baby-face's bellow of "NO!!" could be heard halfway across the store!

GrouchyBaker was his usual cheerful self. How about we start a new category alongside 'best comeback lines' and 'the namebadges you'd rather be wearing'. Can we call it 'The reason why I can't be bothered coming to work today'? * * *

Anyways, don't think I'll be working at the supermarket much longer. Am having problems with a rather vicious bully. I have made an official complaint but not confident that much will happen since he's really high ranked and I don't want to be named for fear the guy will come after me even worse then before.

This is the second bully I have encountered at this store. The previous one resigned/got sacked for bullying. I know our company has a written statement that they don't tolerate bullying by anyone, but I'm not really that confident that its anything more then just pretty words on a page.

--Majuba, The Bakery Slave

Awesome RHUer Comeback Line

Hey there! It's Squirrel Bait again. 

I always have customers ask that ridiculous question, "Do You Work Here?" and I always adhere to dress code and wear my badge in plain sight.

One time I'd been asked it like four times that night and I got a little snippy.

This teen airhead came up to me and asked me if I worked here. 

She was texting her boyfriend and giggled like a deranged airhead hyena.

I didn't miss a beat and replied in a monotone voice, "Nope, sorry I'm under cover for the DEA. We're running a sting and observing a drug cartel that often frequent this Walmart."

She stopped texting, her eyes went wide, and she whispered "Should I maybe like get out of here before the shit hits the fan?"

I was shocked. 

Seriously???

What the hell are parents teaching their spawn these days? 

I just nodded, and whispered "definitely." 

She scurried out of there. 

I laughed for like 10 minutes until my boss came up behind me and said, that was inappropriate even if she was dumb as a brick.

Love & Peace,

--Squirrel Bait

Here's one from the RHU Comeback Vaults:

Got a funny Do You Work Here? comeback line?

Send it in or leave in comments, maybe we'll post it!

  

  

Retail Hell Survival Tip: Comeback Line

 

From Brad:

Sadly I never had the chance to use this one while I still worked in Retail.

When the custy pulls the "I am better than you because I spend so much money here!" or some derivative, reply with:

"Yes sure. You spend money to have the privilege to be here, while I get paid to be here..."

I would love to see the reactions that little gem gets...

 

Customer Return Excuses and RHU Comebacks

We've all heard a gazillion reasons why Custy's want to return something.

Here are some of the more common return excuses along with answers you might be able to use!

Mocking the situation can be loads of fun and take the edge off! Custys with a sense of humor love it.

Just remember to make a joke out your comeback line and then toss your Custy a shit-eating retail smile and say, "I'm just foolin ya!"

Here's some of Freddy's favorite Return Comeback Lines:

Returner: "It didn't wear well."

RHU Comeback: "I can see that. The car must have been going pretty fast.

Returner: "My husband, (wife, daughter, son, friend), didn't like it."

RHU Comeback: "Maybe they need a pair of glasses?"

Returner: "It made me sick."

RHU: Combeback "It has that effect on people."

Returner: "It ruined my life and I'm getting a divorce.

RHU Comeback: "I hope you get the house and the dog."

Returner: "My boyfriend's mother blew her back out and can't use it anymore."

RHU Comeback: "Maybe your boyfriend could carry it for her."

Returner: "I already have this one."

RHU Comeback: "So do we and we don't need another one."

Returner: "I bought too much."

RHU Comeback: "So I heard, it was on CNN last night."

Returner: "It was gift. I don’t like it."

 RHU Comeback: "I think you just hurt its feelings."

Returner: "I'm not in love with it anymore."

RHU Comeback: "Maybe you just need couple's counseling. I hate to see it end like this."

Returner: "Yes, the bottle of face cream is empty. But it broke out my face. Someone said keep using it."

RHU Comeback: "Seriously, am I being punked?"

Returner: Can I return this?

RHU Comeback: "Can you not and say you did?"

Returner: I'd like to return this?

RHU Comeback:  "And I'd like to go to Hawaii!"

Returner: Can I make a return?

 RHU Comeback: "Sure, I'll have mine on the rocks with a double shot and twist of lime."

Returner: "I'm so sorry, I need to return."

 RHU Comeback: "I'm so sorry, we don't accept returns at our store."

Black Friday Counter Signage

Sent in by Michael.

I think a game of Compare The Customers To Animals is in order.

Comebacks For Dumb Customer Questions

Hello again Walmarts-b**** here with my personal comebacks for dumba*** questions.

#1- Do you work here?--

The level of stupid here vary upon what I am doing, If I am zoning i can possibly see why they say this since I could just be shopping dressed in the same colors as the store.

HOWEVER if I am pulling pallets or pallet jacks, my name badge is clearly visible WHY do you ask me?

My replies are usually the polite ones that policy says I must use but I always want to say-nah I'm just pulling this heavy-a** pallet for my health.

Or no it looked like fun so I stole a pallet jack to try it out.

Or no I just do this for my health. I mean WTF its a dumb-a** question.

#2- When custys say I've been shopping here for 6 years and you always have it!

I always want to ask how they have when the store has only been here for 4 years, but I tend to think that they are in an alternative world most of the time.

#3- Don't tell my kid(s) what to do!

You know I only tell other peoples kids what to do when they are doing something HIGHLY dangerous such as trying to jump onto my pallet.

I like to tell them to either pay attention to their brats and teach them manners or at least put a goddamn lease on them. How about when your brat gets hurt I just start laughing hysterically and say I told you so? 

Anyways fellow retail slaves I'm going to go to bed and pray I don't kill anyone tomorrow.

Walmarts-B****

"Do You Work Here?" Retail Hell

I always read about it on RHU but it actually happened to me today.

It is Fathers Day.

I am just getting back from my hellacious off-site storage unit for my outlet mall store.

It is 11:30 am on a holiday Sunday.

I am wearing an apron with the company embroidered on it AND a name tag with my name on it.

I have a giant box cutter in my right hand and in my left I am pulling a giant metal rolling dolly for boxes.

A lady looks at me and asks, "Do you work here in the mall?"

She did not know how to read a mall directory and needed me to hold her hand through it and tell her how to get to Easy Spirit shoe store.

I felt like telling her I cut up mean people who did not celebrate their fathers and throwing their bodies on my cart- could you imagine if I did not work at the mall?

Who walks in public with a giant razor and full apron on? - maybe retail will drive me to be a crazed serial killer who hacks up clueless comfort shoe buyers with dull box cutters and ships them with the transfers!!

THANKS FOR LETTING ME RANT :)

Rebecca

Do You Work Here Comeback Line

This one is also from D - a different kind of Do You Work Here Comeback Line:

Do You Work Here Comeback Line

Sent in by Jenn, via comments on one of our comeback posts. We had to make a script page for it cause it's quire a retailicious comeback line! Thanks Jenn!