Retail Hell Underground

Vendor's Comeback Line

Our Backroom Correspondent Lea in NY also sent us a Comeback Line from one of her Vendors:

Cameron Diaz vs. Abercrombie & Fitch

A disturbing Retail Hell report surfaced a few days ago here in Los Angeles.

The alleged story/rumor goes that actress Cameron Diaz was shopping at an L.A. area Abercrombie & Fitch store and she wanted to purchase a tee that said "Jesus Goat." Problem was, the last tee in the store was on display and A & F has rules about selling things off of mannequins.

Well, allegedly Cameron did not like that answer and turned all Customer Psycho Bitch throwing a fit and according to some reports allegedly stamping her feet. As she stormed out of the store she allegedly yelled at the A&F Retail Slaves calling them, "Dick fiends."

Dick fiends? Was that her inner Jesus Goat talking?

We weren't sure exactly what "dick fiends" meant so of course we turned to our most favorite source for slang - Urban Dictionary. They had a definition for the singular of dick fiend: "1. Someone that loves penii. 2. A girl who can't see, suck, or fuck enough dicks."

Hmmm. We're still not sure why Cameron allegedly chose to call the A&F Slaves dick fiends, but we felt the need to offer up some RHU Comeback Lines in the event any customer calls a Retail Slave a dick fiend when the Slave is just doing what their Corporate Monsters want
them to do.

Here are 5 Comebacks if a Fucking Bitch Customer calls you a Dick Fiend:

1. I know you are but what am I? (say it over and over for maximum effect)

2. It's better than being a Dildo Fiend.

3. I got 12 inches of dick fiend you can suck right here douchebag!

4. So's your Mamma, you motherfucking dick fiend sucking bitch from hell.

5. Get the hell out of my store you vagina demon!

We love Cameron Diaz and have never heard any horrendous Retail Hell stories about her, so we're hoping this isn't true. We've got a call into TMZ to get to the bottom of it. Seriously we are hoping Harvey and his team will start exposing more celebrity Retail Hell.

In the meantime, if this alleged Cameron Diaz story turns out to be bullshit, we'll update and vindicate Ms. Diaz. Though we are taking a liking to the phrases Dick Fiends, our own response Vagina Demons...and of course our badass mannequin.

Sale Combeback Lines

Sale Combeback Lines

The Smart-Ass Rated G Version:




The What We'd Really Like To Say - Rated R Version:

Customer Comeback Line

Do You Work Here? Comeback Lines

Do You Work Here? Comback Lines

This one might get you in trouble, but you can always say the line in your head.

Do You Work Here? Comback Lines

Retail Hell Comeback Lines: A Double Header

These are from Kym in Indiana:



And this one for Haggling Customers.....




Thanks for the lines Kym!

Is This On Sale? Comeback Line

The enjoyment and inspiration of our Do You Work Here? Comeback Lines has given birth to a regular RHU feature we are calling Comeback Lines. But instead of just comeback lines for Do you work here?, we're going to provide scripts for other annoyingly famous retail lines like Is this on sale? How much is this? Can I have a new one from the back? Can you help me? and many more. As always we encourage all you Retail Slaves out there to send us your Comeback Lines. Drop 'em to us at Myspace or via email: retailhell@flash.net

Our first Is This On Sale? Comeback Line comes from Freddy:

I use this one all the time. Sometimes I just say, "Can you outrun the dogs?" But by adding Pit Bulls it gives my answer a bit more graphic flava! I've had a few funny responses from customers, with one lady saying, "I'd like to try!" and another spouting, "My desire to get this Marc Jacobs bag would give me wings to fly over dogs!" But most of the time when I say it, it's like they didn't hear what I said anyway and they just ask me again, "Is this on sale?" Then I just want to flat out slap them.
Freddy