Retail Hell Underground

Annoying Shit Crustys Say

From Bitterbookaddict:

 

ME: Hi, how are you.

CRUSTY: I’M ONLY LOOKING!

(I know you’re only looking but I’m only being polite, please be polite back)

*    *    *

ME: Hi, how are you?

CRUSTY: (doesn’t even acknowledge my existence)

*    *    *

(This happens all the time when I’ve been super nice to a crusty that comes in needing some random book desperately and they need it NOW. I’ve looked everywhere, called other stores, checked online sites and even called publishers)

ME: I’m afraid it seems that we don’t have it at the moment at this location but you can try to.......

CRUSTY: (interrupts me) Oh, don’t worry about it, I’m not in that much of a hurry.

(Could have fooled me, WTF?!?!?!?)

*    *    *

(There used to be a restaurant on the level above that closed recently so this has happened at least 5 times a shift)

I’m in the middle of serving someone else when somebody yells at me from the door.

CRUSTY: Is the restaurant up stairs really closed??

(No, we’re just kidding, GOT YA........ The elevator is not only not active there are two racks of postcards and books in front of it, same goes for every staircase in the building)

ME: (I have to be rude to the customer I’m already serving and deal with the yeller) Yes, it moved to *other location*

CRUSTY: Where is that?

(Seriously, I’m helping someone else, be polite and wait for fu***** 5 seconds)

ME: It’s next door to *well known local place*

CRUSTY: Where is that?

ME: Do you know where *bar* used to be?

CRUSTY: Yeah

ME: It’s there.

CRUSTY: (walks away without saying thank you or anything)(or says, I’m sorry I’m from out of town)

*    *    *

There is a Tourist information centre on the second floor in the summer but the sign hangs on the house all year. So when tourists come in and ask for the tourist centre and get mad at me for deceiving them. I don’t own the store, I want the sign down but it’s not my decision. I get really tired of telling people where to eat dinner or lunch or giving directions to sights around the city.

*    *    *

CRUSTY: Hi, I’m looking for a book written by some guy.....

(No shit Sherlock, this is a bookstore could you narrow it down a bit??)

ME: Ok, do you have the title of the book or the authors’ name?

CRUSTY: No, can’t you look it up in your computer.

ME: not without a title or authors’ name. Do you know if it’s new and what genre it’s in?

CRUSTY: No, you guys don’t anything!!

(Gets mad at me for not knowing anything and being stupid)

 *    *    *

Another version of this is:

CRUSTY: I’m looking for the book that was on *local TV show about books*

ME: Do you remember the name of the book or author?

CRUSTY: No, it was on about 30min. Ago didn’t you see it?

(No I didn’t see it I was working)

ME: no I’m afraid I didn’t, do you remember anything about the book?

CRUSTY: (gets mad at me because I don’t watch TV at work)

*    *    *

CRUSTY: walks to the register while on the phone, doesn’t engage me just keeps talking on the phone.

ME: (I have the rule that if someone is on the phone I don’t talk to him and if there are other people waiting I serve them before the talker)

I handle the transaction as no one was waiting.

CRUSTY: gets his product, receipt and everything in a bag. Still stands there talking on the phone not moving, 5 minutes later he ask if I put a gift sticker on his book.

ME: no, you didn’t ask for one.

CRUSTY: You’re supposed to offer, I shouldn’t have to ask.

ME: (I put a gift sticker on the book) Well even if i had you were on the phone and according to company rules I should have waited until the call was over to serve you.

(He still got mad at me for not offering him a gift sticker, he didn’t hear me when I tried because he was on the phone but it’s still my fault)

*    *    *

ME: Would you like to keep the receipt?

CRUSTY: Sorry???

ME: would you ..........

CRUSTY: yes. (stares at it for a few seconds, can you throw this away for me/ leaves it on the counter)

ME: (STOP WASTING PAPER!!!!)

*    *    *

(where I’m from we use Good day and not Hi, how are you to greet people)

ME: Good day

CRUSTY: Good EVENING!!

*    *    *

(I work inside, it’s always bright for me and I know social conventions say that after 6 we change from good day to good evening but as I say; I’m inside and I don’t have my eye on the clock)

CRUSTY: Is this marked down?

ME: No, I’m afraid not

(if it doesn’t have a sticker on it advertising a lower price then no, it isn’t marked down!!)

 

--Bitterbookaddict

 

Naked Man Walks Into Hellmart and Steals Socks

From Huff Po:

EXTON, Pa. -- A hefty southeastern Pennsylvania man is behind bars after police say he walked naked into a Walmart and stole a pair of socks.

Thirty-two-year-old Verdon Lamont Taylor was arrested Wednesday night after police say he stripped off his clothes in the parking lot of the Exton store and went inside.

Police say surveillance footage shows the 6-foot-4, 300-pound Downingtown man walking around the store. Authorities say they used a stun gun to subdue him after he refused to comply with officers' orders.

Taylor was arraigned on charges including aggravated assault and indecent exposure. He's being held on $50,000 bail at Chester County Prison.

Online court records do not list an attorney for Taylor.

via www.huffingtonpost.com

 

 

 

Happy Valentines Day RHU: NC Tony's Customer Contract

So I've decided not to save the Slaves Wish List just for the holidays. I got struck with inspiration, and I'm not waiting 10 months to post it.

How many of you had to sign some kind of "contract" when taking your jobs? *counts hands* Some sort of code of conduct about how you would conduct yourself during the hours you're on the clock. How many of you wish customers also had to sign a similar code of conduct about how they would conduct themselves while they are in your store shopping (or eating if you work in a restaurant)? *counts hands* Ok, Burger Bitch, you don't need to raise both hands, I'm only counting you once. Well then allow me to present what every customer would have to read and sign before being allowed in your store...

THE CUSTOMER CODE OF CONDUCT:

I, the customer agree to abide by the following rules while shopping in your establishment.

1) If, the store employs a greeter who's sole job it is to welcome me to MegaMart, I will acknowledge their greeting, even if I just smile and nod at them. I will not ignore them as if they weren't even there.

2) If I require assistance on the sales floor, I will find a store associate and ask them "Excuse me, can you please tell me where [item] is?" or "Could you please tell me where [item] is?" or some variation thereof. I will not just walk up to an associate and bark out a one word exclamation of what I need. Nor will I whistle, snap my fingers or grumble "Doesn't anybody WORK around here?" to get their attention. I will not demand their help either.

2a) Likewise if an employee comes up to me and asks me if I need help, I will either use one of the above polite requests for help, or simply say "No thank you".

2b) I will accept that I do not know more than the employees. After all they work here, and know the way the store works better than I do.

2c) I will not insult their level of intelligence for working here. I understand that this may have been the only job they were able to get at the time, and that just like me they have bills to pay.

3) If the store is out of an item, I will not accuse employees of hiding more of said item in the back. I will accept that the store is out of said item, and either look for it elsewhere, or politely ask if an employee knows when the store is getting any more in, and return at a later time to get the item.

4) I will control my children and keep an eye on them. I will not allow them to handle valuable and/or fragile merchandise. I will not let them run around screaming like banshees, bothering other customers. I will not expect the employees to watch my children.

4a) I will not give my child a toy to play with from the toy section just to keep them quiet while I am shopping and then not buy it for them.

5) I will not open boxes of merchandise to see the contents and then take an unopened box.

6) If I do not want an item, I will not leave it on a random shelf, I will put it back where I found it.

6a) Likewise I will not just drop clothing items on the floor if it's not what I want.

7) I will not leave my trash on a random shelf. I will wait until I can find a garbage can.

8) I will not mistake the fitting room for a bathroom.

8a) If I do not want the clothes I have just tried them on I will leave them with the fitting room attendant, I will not dump the clothes on the floor.

9) In the bathroom I will use the toilets for their intended use and not spread my waste all over the walls and floor. If the toilet should overflow, I will find and employee and let them know so the mess can be cleaned up.

10) When making a return I will make sure I have the receipt, or some other proof of purchase. I will also make

sure I am within the allotted return time (ie: 7 days, 10 days, 90 days, etc). I will not throw a fit and threaten to "take my business elsewhere" or state that I "spend a lot of money here" and should therefore get my way.

10a) I will make sure I am returning something that the store sells. Not something that your competitor sells.

11) When checking out I will end my cell phone call long enough to complete the transaction.

11a) If I am paying in cash I will have my wallet in hand and will place the money in the cashiers hand.

11b) I will carry a wallet or purse and will not hand the cashier money out of my bra/underwear.

11c) I will not use a $100 bill to pay for a $5 order (especially not first thing in the morning).

11d) If I am using a credit/debit card, I will make sure I know my PIN, and how to use the card scanner.

11e) If I am using EBT/WIC, I will make sure I am buying only EBT/WIC approved items.
 
11f) If I am using coupons (either regular coupons or special store coupons) I will let the cashier know BEFORE they start ringing up the sale. I will not demand discounts I am not entitled to.

11g) If an item rings up for the wrong price I will politely point it out and not accuse the cashier (or the store) of trying to rip me off.

12) I will not act like I am entitled to special treatment. I will not threaten, abuse, admonish, augur, blackmail, bluster, browbeat, bully, caution, comminate, cow, enforce, flex muscles at, forebode, forewarn, fulminate, growl, intimidate, look daggers at, make threats to, menace, portend, presage, pressurize, push around, scare, scowl, shake fist at, snarl, spook, terrorize, torment, or walk heavy to get my way.

12a) I understand that sometimes mistakes happen and will not hold it against the employee.

13) I understand that the employees do not set the prices for items.

13a) I understand that the employees are only doing what they are being told to by their managers, who are being told to do by corporate.

14) UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES WILL I TRY TO STEAL ANYTHING FROM THE STORE. I understand that doing so will result in legal actions being taken against me.

I have read and understood the above rules and further understand that breaking any of the above rules will result in a $10 annoyance fee added to my total for each rule broken.

Signed,
[Customer]


So, as usual, I ask you my fellow RHUers, what did I leave out?

--NC Tony

Coming soon: customer contracts for restaurants, your managers, other (asshole) employees and whatever other jobs you can think of that need contracts like this.

Tales of Woe and Win At The Golden Arches

McScrewYou Slave here again, with a couple of mini-tales of woe and one tale of win.

At our drive-thru (not McScrewYou's, haven't worked there for a while but think I'll hang on to the name ;) ), we have a screen that shows your order as I'm punching it in. 90% of the people who come through don't bother to look at the screen, but it tends to be the ones who DO that are annoying, because they don't understand HOW things are rung up so they tell me I'm entering their order wrong.

Case in point.....

"No, I didn't order a water, take that off!"

"Sir, you ordered a Puppy Patty (plain unsalted slice of meat so they don't have to buy a whole burger for their dog). I can't enter a piece of meat without adding it to something. This is how we enter a Puppy Patty."

"....oh. Okay then."

Minor annoyance, not so bad.

"Okay, so that'll be 8---"

"I didn't order two burgers!"

"Yes, sir, that's the combo---"

"I know I ordered the combo! I only want one burger!"

"I realize that, sir, but----"

"TAKE IT OFF!!" "..........." (I remove the combo discount, which if you don't read the last three letters 'CMB' would appear to be a second burger, so he will leave)

"Okay, please drive thr--"

"WHY IS IT $10?!?!?" *headdesk* ".................. I'll have your total for you at the window, sir........" (wait for him to drive off, re-add the combo discount, resist urge to hork one up in his root beer).

And then there's just the typical drive-thru morons. Take the dude's order, tell him to drive through, wait. And wait. Aaaaand..... wait. Look outside the window, he's still just sitting at the speaker.

So I turn the headset back on to tell him again to drive through.

As soon as it's turned on I hear him screaming at the speaker "-----LOOOO? HEELLLOOOOO!?!?! HELLO!!!!!!!"

"....... Hi?"

"WHY IS IT $9?!? THAT BURGER'S ON SALE FOR $2.50 AND THE OTHER ONE'S $3! IT SHOULD BE $5.50!" (are you fucking kidding me?)

"......... because you ordered large fries and there's tax?" (seriously people, it's FUCKING TAX. Taxes have only existed for the last, what, hundred and fifty years? Yeah, I can totally see how you missed being informed about that one)

"WELL THEN I DON'T WANT THE FRIES!" "..... sure, that'll be $6.25. Please drive through (and actually fucking DO IT this time, cockhole).

" This is one of the situations where if the guy actually DID bother to read the damn screen, he would've known that. But that would require, you know, EFFORT. Or brains. I can't decide which one this guy would have more trouble using.

*    *    *

Now for a tale of win. It may not seem that way at the start but you'll see why at the end. This is back at McScrewYou's.

So, I'm working booth. That means I'm the first window at drive-thru; I take the order, take the money, and then second window takes care of handing them the order. Since that takes very little time, I'm also the person in charge of tidying the lobby and cleaning bathrooms.

So I'm in booth, just finishing up an order, when someone tells me over the headset that there is a 'bathroom emergency' in Men's. To which I just think WTF? I cleaned that thing like 5 minutes ago.

So I head up front to get the cleaning supplies, and on my way to the supply closet mention to two of my co-workers that I'd just been alerted to an 'emergency' in the bathroom (I can't remember if they asked or what, this was over a year ago).

I get the cleaning supplies, and on my way to the bathroom the head manager (a cool guy, really friendly, let's call him AM) has just come in asks me how the morning's been going.

I hesitate for a moment, then say I'll tell him after I find out what exactly a 'bathroom emergency' is. Then my drive-thru headset beeps, and I have to head to booth to take care of that order. Meanwhile, my two co-workers have gone to check out the men's bathroom, and as I'm closing the door behind me I can hear them *SCREAMING* in absolute horror. From the other side of the building. At this point, I'm starting to get REALLY scared about what exactly a 'bathroom emergency' entails.

I finish the order and head back up front to grab the cleaning supplies, at which point I see AM walking from the supply closet carrying a roll of paper towels, a big garbage bag, and the box of rubber gloves. Looks at me and tells me to go back to booth.

"But shouldn't I--"

"NO go back to booth!"

So I tidy up dining room and serve a couple customers. Later, I see AM walking out of the men's room with the garbage bag COMPLETELY full of paper towels. Like stuffed to the top. It was completely empty when he went in there. My two co-workers who actually saw the bathroom told me that, to put things delicately, a man suffered from some indigestion and couldn't bridge the gap between pants and toilet quite in time. Which is to say, the entire floor in front of the toilet was a massive puddle of liquid shit.

I can not put into words just how appreciative I was to have a boss that was willing to do the dirty work himself rather than shovel it off to the newbie after he saw just what I would have had to deal with. I know a lot of bosses out there would have had me wrist-deep in feces at that point.

Until next time!

--McScrewYou Slave

 

 

 

Shouting Custy Has Tantrum Over Dog Destroying Chew Toy

Greetings fellow slaves! 

You know how it goes, longtime lurker, first-time poster...

While I'm a trained application and database admin, I found myself working retail for the first time since the end of high school (when I worked for a certain yellow-tag electronics store) due to a huge layoff at my former company. For now, I'll call myself Register Pony.

I'm currently making slightly higher than minimum wage ($7.25 in Texas) at everyone's favorite "smart" pet store. My encounter had to do with a customer I'll call the Yelling Guy.

If you've worked at any retail store in this particular Texas town, you've probably run into the Yelling Guy. Hell, if you've been within earshot of this bastard, you know who he is. Looks like a redneck, with his dirty white wife-beater tank tops and gray ponytail, but has a British accent. If he doesn't get what he wants, he yells until the management is fed up with his ass, and gives it to him. After leaving Best Purchase, I thought I would be done with him, as I'd dealt with his screaming rants several times already. But no. It's apparently this guy's mission to make retail slaves everywhere as miserable as his silent, sullen, greasy-haired whale of a wife.

While working the checkout of Petfarts, I spotted and recognized the Yelling Guy behind a couple of other customers in line. Although I knew what I was up against, I figured this time would be different, since I wasn't expressly helping him with a high-dollar item like a laptop or digital camera. He had a big pillow or something in his hands. I was relieved, especially since I knew it was not and hadn't recently been on sale.

When I got to him, I gave him my usual cheery, "Did you find everything okay?" only to nearly be met with him violently throwing what turned out to be a dog bed into my face. "I WONT A REFUND ON THIS F***ING BUGGAH!"

I was a little taken aback, but I nodded. He didn't have a receipt, but it's Petfart's policy to either allow exchange of the same item without a receipt, or offer store credit. But then I noticed that the inside of the dog bed was completely ripped to shreds.

RP: What happened?

YG: IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE MADE OUT OF F***ING CHEW-RESISTANT MATERIAW, BUT MY DOGS STILL CHEWED IT UP! THIS IS BAD ADVERTISING! HOW THE HELL ARE YOU SUPPOWSED TO MAKE PEOPLE BELIEVE THAT THIS SHIT IS TOUGH LIKE THE LABEL SAYS! 

Then I noticed that while the sides were made of a reinforced, canvas-like material, it was the center of the bed (the soft, pillow-y part that's supposed to be comfortable) that had been chewed to shreds.

RP: Well, as you can see, the edges are chew-resistant. The middle part isn't, though. It isn't indestructible.

YG: I DOWN'T CARE! IF IT'S ADVERTOISED AS TOUGH, MY DOGS SHOULDN'T BE ABLE TO CHEW IT TO SHIT!

RP: I'm sorry, since there was nothing wrong with the bed before your dogs chewed it up, I can't refund it.

The Yelling Guy proceeds to open his gaping maw and howl about how horrible the customer service in this store is, which is enough to bring my Awesome Manager running.

AM: What seems to be the problem here?

RP: He wants a refund on this bed.

AM: What was wrong with it?

RP: His dogs chewed it up.

YG: IT'S SUPPOWSED TO BE CHEW-RESISTANT, DOES THIS LOOK CHEW-RESISTANT TO YOU?

AM: Whatever. Just give him a merch credit.

Since awesome manager was busy with other hectic, demanding customers, he went off to put out another fire.

RP: Very well, we can give you store credit.

YG: I DON'T WONT STORE CREDIT, I WONT THE COWD HAWD CASH I SPENT ON THIS DAMN BED!

RP: Since you don't have a receipt, I can't give you a cash refund.

YG: THIS IS THE WOST F***ING CUSTOMAH SEHVICE I'VE EVER RECEIVED!

By now, the Yelling Guy has scared away all the little old ladies (a huge part of our primary demographic) in line behind him. They're probably ran to cower in the canned cat food aisle, furthest away from the registers.

At this point, I'm trying my best to be civil. All I really want to do is yank him by his stupid ponytail and drag him through a grater.

RP: Look, if it were my decision, you wouldn't be getting anything at all, so I suggest that you take your store credit before they decide to kick you out.

YG: I don't want anything in this store! I want my f***ing cash back!

RP: Well, you can either have store credit or a straight exchange. Those are your only choices.

At this point, the Yelling Guy can tell he isn't going to get anywhere, so the miserable son of a bitch takes his shredded bed and stalks away to the back of the store. After a few of the sweet little old ladies return to have their bird seed and cat treats rung up, the Yelling Guy returns to the end of the line, with a brand new version of the exact same bed in tow. By the time he gets to the front of the line, my sanity has partially returned.

RP: Alright, you want an exchange then.

The Yelling Guy says nothing. He just stands there, looking like a child who threw a temper tantrum but didn't end up getting the candy he wanted (which is pretty basically what he was).

After I exchanged the bed and handed him the receipt, I said, "This is a one-time exchange. If your dogs chew this one to shreds, we will not be exchanging it, or offering you store credit. It's chew-resistant, not indestructible.

He looked at me creepily and said, "We'll see abouwt that."

--Register Pony

 

Karma Catches Up To Discount Rat

From Captain No-Babies:

Hey guys, it's me again! I know I haven't submitted for a while, I was away at college all fall and avoiding the hell that is retail. However, now that I've been back for my (VERY) long winter break, I'm dealing with all of it. 

I have a short story of a custy who got what they deserved.

I've had a growing population of people who don't understand that I am NOT their personal shopper, and that I truly do NOT enjoy scanning each item for them to tell them it is just the $1.99 marked on the bright orange sticker on the tag!

I had one lady fill up three mesh shopping bags of clothes, and I expected her to spend about $500 or so, but then she had me scan each item individually, and then she kept taking things on and off.

She complained that a dress that was originally about $40 was coming up $9.99, and that was before her 25% off coupon. But then when I said I couldn't lower the prices any more because she was getting a really fantastic deal, she told me to wait and she called her husband (on her brand new iPhone, no less) and I guess he told her it was a great deal, so she had me wait about 10 minutes while she went and grabbed about 10 more of the dresses.

I was getting frustrated with her attitude, but I figured it would be worth the big sale. Finally, she had decided what she wanted to get, so I rung everything up, and she only spent about $80, and left me with a mountain of clothes to put back.

I was so frustrated, because we could have really used a big sale so that my hours wouldn't be cut later in the week because we aren't making our figures.

The good news: she stormed back in about a half hour later, claiming that she lost her iPhone at the register, and when we couldn't find it, she threw a hissy fit because she had no idea where it was.

May all your customers be nice, 

--Captain No-Babies

Fabric Store Opening Nightmare: Crazy Lady Complains About Smell

Hey all, long time no see.

Swatchbuckler here from the good ship fabric shop.

I quit smoking 6 months ago so I haven't been able to read the about the complete idiots that you all have to deal with because I get mad and want to smoke my lungs out. I think though I'm okay and I have a ton of posts to catch up on. Just wanted to tell you all about my morning.

I walked in the door being followed by 2 women.

The first thing this hairy sea hag said was "This place STINKS!".

It's morning. I haven't had coffee. I wasn't quite sure I heard that correctly. She asked me about leather and I talked to her a bit and went to show her some options to fix her natty couch.

As we were walking to the leather/vinyl section she said as loud as she possibly could "This place STINKS!" and feigned like she was going to faint.

Like I said, there was no coffee on board so I told her "Then leave."

The way I said it was sort of a mix of Patrick Bateman with a lot of Hannibal Lector mixed in. If she wasn't so gnarly I could have ate her liver. She looked at me and said "What? I'm not doing anything."

The cow was actually shocked that her behavior isn't the proper thing to do so I told her "You are being rude and loud." and I walked away.

I freebased coffee and they walked out.

The woman was a very homely woman. There was nothing pretty about the bitch and I actually felt bad for her because she felt the need to harass fabric workers to make herself feel superior. Anyway, I went out the side door just to make sure they didn't do anything to my car and she was still going on about why screaming "This place STINKS!" in a store isn't proper behavior.

So yeah. Back to reading...stay strong and this place STINKS.

--Swatchbuckler

 

Target Cart Attendant Has Day From Bathroom Hell

From Target Slave: As a cart attendant, this is the kind of shit I have to deal with daily working at Target. Literally.

I covered up the mess for those of you who have queasy tummies or may be snacking or drinking while reading. If you'd like to see just how shitty this little Target piggy was click the pick or

CLICK HERE

 

 

 

 

Librarian RANTS: What's The Worst Thing You Could Do At the Library?

RHU, call me Bookend.

Long-time reader, first-time poster. I work at a library, so, as you'd imagine, I have quite a love for books. This means that, when a book is mistreated, I tend to get a little upset.

I've dealt with the sticky books.

I've dealt with the ripped books.

I've even dealt with the books that never make their way back to the library and have to be replaced (and no, crumpling up your library card and abandoning it won't free you of that $80 fine - that's not a magical do-over method, and your information has been sent to a collection agency, have a nice day).

But let me tell you, the absolute WORST thing you can do to a person who works in a library is to return a book that you have written in.

This is what happened to me today. My mother also works in a library, and she's been gathering books similar to The Hunger Games for a display over at her branch that they'll be putting up in March (when the Hunger Games movie comes out). She brought one of them home so we could read it, both of us being fans of the series. Lo and behold, not even 5 pages in, what do I see?

Writing, of course. In pencil, but it's writing all the same.

Know what really killed me about it? The person underlined something in the book, and wrote "not buying it." The information this person "wasn't buying?" The very CONCEPT OF THE BOOK. That's right - apparently this person picked up the book without bothering to read the flap with the description on it, or just ignored it, because they felt the need to nitpick about it and make sure that everybody else knew what they thought.

"But it was pencil, Bookend," you might say. "No big deal, right? You can just erase it, and all's well." WRONG. I kept reading, and there was some sort of comment like this on almost EVERY GODDAMN PAGE.

Commenting about what books are similar.

Commenting about the grammar.

Commenting about the foreshadowing.

WHAT THE GODDAMN FUCK?

Scribblers (the name I've given people who do this), look. I don't give half a shit if you don't like what you're reading, or if you want to analyze it. That's fine. Write a review. Blog about it. Jot down your thoughts on a seperate piece of paper. Hell, we have tons of sticky notes sitting up at the desk. Come up and ask us for some, write on them, and stick 'em in there to your heart's content! At least that'd be obvious when we're about to return it, and we can peel them off.

But DO NOT, under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, ever, ever, EVER write in library material, even with a pencil. It might be a difficult concept to grasp, but that stuff DOES NOT BELONG TO YOU. It's there so other people can enjoy it as well, without having to look at your snarky literary bullshit. And that includes me, but it's really hard to immerse myself in a book that has comments in all the margins. I just wanna relax with a good book after work, not clean up after your messes, you fucker! Do you even know how much I hate you? To top it all off, now we have to withdraw this otherwise perfectly good book, because even if someone took the time to erase everything, there would be noticeable marks on the pages afterward.

Dearest, darling patron, I have a message for you, that I'm sure every librarian and book-lover alike will back me up on: Never do this again, or I will take the pencil you used to write with, and I will get the Joker to show you a magic trick. I fucking swear.

Peace out,

--Bookend

Retail Hell Bookstore Memories: Custy Not Happy With Gift Receipts

Bookstore Slave with a story from my first ever job:

Holiday temp at Noble Barnes.

Hired in late August, fired January 8th, this was my joyous first experience with Customers from Hell and boy, let me tell you, I got a doozy.

A woman comes into the music department to purchase a huge frikkin pile o' crap. Eh, our task is to tell custys over the PA system "Good [morning/afternoon/evening] customers, if you don't want to wait in that big ol' line at the front of the store, I would like to let you know that there is no line whatsoever in the music department, where you can make your purchases right away!" Figuring that this was the case, I didn't raise my eyebrow at the huge pile because, hey, the less time you have to carry that monster, the better your arms feel.

I ring up everything, total her up and swipe her credit card. All goes well until the receipt prints up.

Her: Oh, and I want gift receipts for my purchase today.

My initial reaction was "Oh fucking well, too late, goodbye and have a nice day." Really? You stood there staring straight at me while I do this and only mention that you want gift recipes AFTER you pay?

But nooo. I bite my tongue and summon a manager to retrieve the transaction and explain the situation, since we lowly minions do not have that grand power. As the manager retrieves the transaction, he walks through the whole thing, getting gift receipts on small clumps of stuff from her purchase. They print out and OMFG HOW DARE THEY LOOK DIFFERENT!

She argues with the manager because the gift receipts were printed out AFTER the transaction, they have a  different format. 

The manager informs her that yes they will, in fact, work just fine. When he finally gets sick of her he simply tells her "Ma'am, they wouldn't look like this if you had requested your gift receipts during your transaction. Since you waited until after you paid, this is the format they come in. I assure you that they will work just fine."

Muttering, the woman leaves and I help the next gentleman who has been waiting quite patiently throughout this whole mess. Is that the end of it?

Hell fucking no!

The manager returns to his duties and the woman returns so quickly that I know she was waiting for him to leave. She then proceeds to stand to the side and loudly berate me for not ASKING if she wanted a gift receipt as this was OBVIOUSLY her Christmas shopping (it's mid September, and our store is set up for back-to-school sales currently).

For FIVE MINUTES.

I am attempting to ignore her, ringing the gentleman up for his medium sized purchase, hit total and she jumps in.

Her: You didn't ask HIM if he wanted a gift receipt either! You're obviously not smart enough to do your job! Sir did you want a gift receipt?

Him: Erm... no thank you... *he gives me a look like a spooked rabbit as this yapping terrier of a woman, who for some reason dragged HIM into her little vendetta, continues her tirade*

Her: You see, that's how you do your job! How can you not ask every transaction if a customer want their receipt?

Okay, I've officially snapped. I have not been browbeaten into bending over and taking it yet, so I decide I've had enough.

Me: ENOUGH!

Her: *stunned silence*

Me: Do you know what harassment is? DO YOU? It's what you're doing right now! You are harassing me, AND my customer. Now, you can either take your purchases and leave, or you can stand right there while I call the police and file harassment charges against you. It's your call.

Her: But-

Me: It's September. There was no way I could assume that you wanted Christmas presents this early. And if a cashier doesn't ask, you DO have the power to ASK me to include them BEFORE you pay. And I would have. As it is, you have what you want anyway and you're still not happy. Leave.

She spins around, enraged, and sees the manager standing in the entrance of the music section with his arms crossed.

Her: Did you hear what she said to me?!

Him: Yes.

Her: Don't you have anything to say to her about her atrocious behavior?

Him: Yes. *to me* Call the police. She obviously thinks you were bluffing about the harassment charges.

She splutters as I reach for the phone and then she flees.

The gentleman I was helping applauds.

When he leaves the manager quietly says: Next time, call a manager to deal with harpies like that. You're not paid to put up with that crap. We are. We'll take care of it for you.

God I wish I sill had managers like that. I still wish I had that kind of faith in the Manager level of authority too.

May all your customers be nice!

--Bookstore Slave

 

 

Entitled Drive-Thru Custy Wants Free Soda And Gets Told

Hi, RHUers it's StarBitchSoldier again with a tale that really had me angry, but mostly confused.

I was working drive thru in the evening like usual. I get a woman who wants a chicken sandwich. I ask which one and she tells me so I ask if it's a combo or just the sandwich she wants.

She switches back and forth between the two before asking if she can just have a refill of diet coke. I search the order screen for the button for refills because there used to be one but it had been removed from the menu.

I tell her this and she says it's ok and just take off the drink. No problem, so I give her the total and she pulls forward.

I take her card and swipe it and am met with an old Hurls Sr cup sitting on the ledge of the drive thru window.

I hand her the card and ask if it's trash. She gives me this nasty look and says to fill it. Now this cup is nasty, with old soda sticking to it and seeping in the paper under the glue. "With tap water?" I ask.

She gives me an even nastier look before snarling  "no! I want diet coke!"

EXCUSE ME BITCH. HELL NO. This entitled bitch wanted me to just give her free soda. I know it's not a lot pricewise, but like hell I will be taken advantage of by a stupid entitled crusty.

Politely, I tell her I'd need to charge her and give her the amount it would be. She continues to tell me to just fill it with diet coke because "she comes to Hurls Sr all the time and they ALWAYS do it."

What? I highly doubt, no, I know we have NEVER done that for anybody. I tell her I still can't because it is still against policy and that anyone doing that is breaking policy yada yada yada.

She CONTINUES to tell me "they always give me soda! I never had someone turn me down! Just fill it!"

I tell her "I'm sorry, but in the 2.5 years I have worked here, I have never done or seen someone do that. I run the possibility of getting fired if I do."

Then she busts out this gem. "Maybe it's just this restaurant that doesn't do it."

Inner thoughts from this: Wait, what? So you're telling me that EVERY Hurls Sr you have EVER gone to gives you free soda?

That's where most of our profit comes from! From her logic, buying a $2 cup means you get free soda FOR LIFE. Well fuck, SIGN ME UP. I'd never buy soda from the grocery store ever again then!

I stand my ground and refuse to fill it, but offer to talk to the shift leader (New But Cool Girl) in charge (who I know won't give in to this cunt) to "see if she will allow it".

I go to the break room since she's on break but I'm not fighting for this crusty bitch. I flat out tell NBCG a bitch is trying to get free soda. She starts laughing and asks what's going on so I give her a quick rundown and she laughs harder before getting a "hell no, don't give her any" out. Sweet.

So I return to the window and deliver the bad news that no, I can't give her free product. She finally accepts this after a bit more nagging and drives off sans soda.

Yeah, it was only $2 but I got to keep my dignity and not have to bend over for a cheap, entitled bitch.

May all your custys be nice,

--StarBitchSoldier.

McDonalds Drive Thru Retail Balls: Line-cutter Gets Told Via Cops Stun Gun

HOPE MILLS, N.C. -- North Carolina authorities say they used a stun gun on a woman motorist who blocked a McDonald's drive-thru for 20 minutes after employees refused to serve her because she cut in line.

Authorities say 37-year-old Evangeline Lucca bypassed the order screen and line and pulled directly up to the pick-up window Friday afternoon at the restaurant in Hope Mills, about 60 miles south of Raleigh.

Tanna says Lucca was subsequently shocked by deputies and charged with second-degree trespass. A phone listing for the woman couldn't be found.

Authorities say the woman's daughter was taken into protective custody.

via www.huffingtonpost.com

Burger Bitch: Coworker Sexting Custys and A Parade of Dumbasses

Oh guys, you won’t fucking believe the story I have for you this time.

Since it’s so fucking ridiculous and is making me so mad that I could very well piss wasabi, I’m going to cut right to it.

Recently, my manager has started putting me on after noon shifts because I mentioned that I was getting crazy migraines from lack of sleep. And since she’s so awesome, she took me aside one day and said “You’re my one of two amazing workers, so I don’t want you to leave, so if you don’t mind, I’ll put you on some afternoon shifts.” Which I of course didn’t mind because I got to sleep in and finally have some time to get some shit done.

Well, I realized very quickly that the customers are 500x more idiotic during the afternoon shift, but more importantly, that the tips suck. Now, I’ve mentioned before that I live off of my tips and my paycheck goes straight to the bank and I don’t touch it. That way I can save up for school (Whenever I decide what I actually want to do with my life, y’know) and a car very easily.

When I work in the mornings, I generally walk home with anywhere from $15-30 per day, however the few times I’ve worked the afternoon shifts, I’ve literally went home with less than $3. But what bugged me is I’ve seen the tips that the other girl who works afternoons walks home with, and they’re always upwards of $25. Not to sound arrogant at all, but this girl is unpleasant, impolite and dumber than a box of toenails. When I work, I’m polite and try to make small talk with the customers.

I really started to wonder how she was walking home with an assload of tips and I was getting dick all. Well, I knew that she’s gotten written up twice for taking her apron off and unbuttoning her shirt, so I figured “Maybe I need bigger tits to get tips, but that’s not happening.”

But then, my coworker told me, in a giggling fit of hysteria that Tips McGee was caught by our other coworker SEXTING CUSTOMERS.

WHAT?

Yeah. Apparently she’s been giving out her number to customers and sexting them up and she was BRAGGING about it.  Which is fucking awesome, because I never realized that I work in a coffee house/brothel. So now all I have to do is sext in order to get tips, so I’m a bit fucking pissed about that. Plus, just the other night, three customers came in and asked if Slutty McTroll was working.  

–Shudder-

*    *    *    *

And now for the Darwin Award Winning Customers!

The thing that’s really gotten on my nerves as of late is just the complete and total lack of any common sense. The first customer I had the other afternoon was a man and his teenage son in DT, they ordered a large double double and a large double double with sweetener. So on one lid I wrote a “S” and on the other “Sw.” You’d think that’d be pretty straight forward, right? Wrong.

Old Man: “Which one has sugar and which one has sweetener? They’re not marked.”

Me: “Yes, they are. The “S” is sugar and the “Sw” is sweetener.”

Old Man: “Well, that’s confusing, they could easily be confused.”

Even his son was shaking his head at him. Then, not an hour later, a man came into the store, looked around and asked “Do you serve coffee?”

I honestly thought he was joking, so I chuckled, but he just gave me the stink eye. No, fuckbone, the 3 coffee machines and all the cups and bags of coffee lying around actually means that we serve stem cells.

He ordered an extra large regular and a medium hot chocolate. Note that these sizes differ greatly. I prepare them, put them in a tray and give them to the dipshit dude.

Dipshit: “Which one is which?”

Me: “.. Sorry?”

Dipshit: “Which one is which? I ordered an extra-large regular and a medium hot chocolate, right? So which one is which?”

Me: -Trying VERY hard not to sound sarcastic- “The extra-large is the one in the bigger cup..”

*    *    *    *

Then came the idiot bitch and all of her spare fucking change. A woman came through DT and ordered an Extra Large French Vanilla and cookie, since there was another customer waiting at the counter, I got them together quickly and told the woman in DT her total. That’s when she hands me an entire fucking sandwich bag of pennies and nickels and says “I’m too busy to count it, so if you could just count that to make sure I have enough, that’d be great.” YEAH. FUCKING SURE. NOT LIKE I HAVE OTHER CUSTOMERS OR ANYTHING ELSE BETTER TO FUCKING DO, YOU DUMB BITCH.

I try to count it as quickly as possible and she only has about $1.20 and the total is $3.45.

Me: “You only have $1.20 here.”

Bitch: “Ok, give me a few minutes to get more change out of my bag.”

I figure this would be a decent enough chance to take the customer’s order who has been waiting patiently at the counter. I turn and say “Hey there, what can I get you?” when the bitch in DT shouts “HEY WAIT YOU HAVE TO COUNT MY CHANGE.”

Me: “Do you have the change ready yet?”

Bitch: “No!”

Me: “Then I’m going to take this customer’s order while you get your change.”

Bitch: “No! You have to count my change!”

Luckily the girl who was working on the gas station side came over and took the other customers order. All in all, it took over TEN MINUTES for this lazy fucking cow to get out enough change to pay for her fucking order, and it was almost all in pennies. 2.75$ in pennies, if I remember correctly.

I need to start drinking at work.

--Burger Bitch

 

Extreme Coupon Hell: Crazy Custy Attacks Grocery Cashier Over Expired Coupon

The Last Archimedean gets a Retail Balls Award for taking on a Crazy Custy Bitch attacking a Grocery Store Cashier:

The Last Archimedian again. This time I was a customer.

This morning, I head to my local grocery store to pick up a few essentials. I'm standing in line behind a middle-aged lady who *appears* to be normal. Little did I know...

She hands over several coupons to the cashier [who can't be a day over 17, a young girl with a slight build.] The cashier processes the coupons, rings up her items and the lady bags them.

I think I'm about to be rung through when the lady gets her receipt. She says to the cashier after a quick glance at it, "You didn't ring up all of my coupons."

The cashier says, "Yes, ma'am. This coupon is expired [placing one copon back on the counter]. I rang up all the other ones."

The lady transforms into a raging maniac instantly. "RING UP MY COUPON, BITCH!" comes out of her mouth, very loudly.

The cashier is looking scared, but she manages to say, "I can't, ma'am. This coupon is two months expired."

The lady *reaches across and GRABS the cashier by her shirt*, lifting her halfway across the counter. "I SAID RING UP MY GODDAMN COUPON, BITCH! UNDERSTAND?"

I give the lady a death glare. "Let her go, you lunatic!"

A manager comes running over, attracted by the shouting. "Put my employee down, miss!"

The lady doesn't let go. "TELL THE BITCH TO RING UP MY FUCKING COUPON!"

The manager glances at the coupon. "This is expired, miss. Now let her go!"

Still holding onto the cashier, the lady glares at the manager. "NOT UNTIL SHE RINGS UP MY MOTHERFUCKING COUPON!"

I'm getting more than a little pissed off by now, as all I want is to pay for my groceries and go home. I reach out and pry the lady's hands off the cashier [not without a bit of a struggle, as she didn't want to let go], and security -- who must have been summoned by the manager -- arrives seconds later to escort the lady and her paid-for groceries out of the store. The manager looks at me and says softly, "Thanks, pal. If I'd laid a hand on her the crazy bitch probably would have sued."

He hustles off and I say to the cashier in as soothing a voice as I can manage, "Take your time. That was absolutely insane."

The really weird thing? I look at the discarded, expired coupon. It's for *25 cents* off. The crazy lady in front of me had made a giant scene over *twenty five ruddy cents*! I'd have gladly GIVEN her a quarter if it meant she didn't hold up the line and assault the poor cashier!

May all your days be good.

-- The Last Archimedean

 

One Dumbass N.A.T.'s Chaotic Escape Attempt

Hello, everyone. Tis I, Book Wench, back again to share more tales of Wastings. 

It's been a while since I last wrote in, for which I apologize. I've been dealing with a nasty wisdom tooth infection and all of the family arguments resulting from that, and combined with the utter soul-sucking grind of work, I haven't really had the energy to do more than go to work, come home, and fall asleep on the couch listening to Jon Stewart. (Note: nodding off to the Daily Show, coupled with a liberal dose of hydrocodone, results in very peculiar dreams. Try this at home!) However, we had a little incident a few days back which I really must share. An attempted robbery... with a side of carjacking!

Because our general manager has the short-term memory of a goldfish with Alzheimer's, problems that we bring to his attention are almost never addressed. He's very apologetic about it, and he will change things (poor scheduling, etc) if we nag him enough, but when it comes to anything that involves having to talk to corporate his powers of recall vanish almost entirely.

As a result, our security cameras have been in shambles for over a year, with no word from the head honchos as to when/if they will be replaced. We know this, the NATs know this, and we know that they know it. 

Naturally, one of the broken cameras is located directly over an area of highly valuable merchandise! And naturally, we are so short-handed that the lone associate assigned to this department  (which includes roughly a third of the store) can't spend all their time in that one corner of Highly Valuable Shit, even if they wanted to. We lose hundreds of dollars of merchandise every single month from this area, because GM doesn't have the balls to talk to corporate and get us another gorram camera. 

Last Friday, as I was tidying up the book department toward the end of my shift, I heard a ruckus coming from the front end. Walking up to the registers to see what was going on, I beheld half a dozen cops, an extremely angry Curmudgeon, and a woman holding an ice pack to the back of her head.

The story, as it fell out, was this:

Our awesome video manager, K-Pax, had noticed a skeevy-looking fellow circling around our corner of Highly Valuable Shit. K-Pax finds a reason to loiter in the same area, keeping an eye on him, but gets called away to assist a customer. The minute K-Pax leaves, skeevy guy pulls out an empty grocery bag, jimmies open the case, and fills his bag with HVS. He then attempts to leave the store, and here's where things got weird. 

We have three doors in our store. One opens up onto the mall, and by that point in the evening is closed and locked. One is the entrance, and only works as an entrance; consequently it is not equipped with any theft detectors. The third door can only be reached by passing by the front registers, and thus passing through a detector; it too only works one way. You can leave by it, but you can't come in.

Our would-be NAT takes off running for the entrance, only to smack face-first into the door and knock himself over.

He gets up and runs around through the registers, setting off the theft alarm, and drawing the attention both of the girl at the register and of K-Pax, who immediately recognizes him and vaults the goddamn counter in order to chase him. 

NAT gets outside, bumps into Curmudgeon returning from her dinner break, drops his bag of HVS and takes off across the parking lot, K-Pax in full pursuit.

Register Girl (she'll get a nickname if she survives a month here) tells Curmudgeon what's going on and Curmudgeon calls the cops, and all the while K-Pax is chasing after this NAT.

The NAT jumps into the backseat of a completely random car and starts smacking the driver on the back of the head, telling her "DRIVE, BITCH! DRIVE! JUST FUCKING DRIVE!"

At which point K-Pax shows up, drags the NAT out of the car, and tries to march him back to the store.

NAT tries to punch his way out, succeeds, and vanishes into the bushes across the street. K-Pax brings the driver inside, gets her an ice pack, and convinces her to file a police report. 

The best part?

When Curmudgeon opened the bag, it turned out that our NAT had inadvertently taken only used things from our case of HVS. He tried to rob our store and carjack a random stranger, for a total cash value of maybe $150.

The day after, of course, we all got a stern talking-to by the GM about how we must never, ever accost a customer, even if it is obvious that person is stealing from us... maybe we should just disable all the damn cameras, then, if we're going to let merchandise just walk out the door!

We have the dubious distinction of being the worst Wastings in terms of theft-related losses out of the entire chain, and we can't do anything to fix it. 

I need to find a job that lets me yell at people for being stupid, RHU.

--Book Wench

 

Checkout Lane Drama: Custy Talks About Former Creepy Employee

From Yingafred:

Heeeeeello my fellow slaves~

With school starting up again I haven't had too many things exciting happen. I've been at school more so than I have been at work.

Though today, I had the most WTF worthy moment I've had in a long time.

THE STORY BEGINS:

As always I'm on register duty. Well today this burly man who seemed to be in a really good mood comes in to buy a few things. While I am ringing up his items he asks me:

"I see you don't have a photo lab anymore."

I reply with a "Not anymore sir, they took it out a few years ago I think. I've been here for over a year and a half and it was taken out before then."

Then man then goes into SUPER SERIOUS MEGA CRYPTIC mode and says,

"Oh, I dunno, it might.... It might be because this guy that worked in the photo lab here got caught with bags full of pictures he had taken of every woman who came in that he eventually developed."

"Oh... wow..."

What inner Yingafred was thinking: "WOW-WTF-Y-U-TELLING-ME-THIS-SHIT-DO-NOT-WANT-TO-KNOW-PLEEZ-LEAVE-NOA-K-THX"

"Yeah, he's lucky he got fired and sent to jail."

"Yeah... that's creepy, let's hope so..."

What inner Yingafred was thinking: "AHHHH-WTF-PLEASE-STOP-I-FEEL-AKWARD-I-DO-NOT-NEED-TO-KNOW-THIS-KJ HGLKJH LKJH- X_______X"

"I would have hurt him pretty bad you know, he had pictures of my wife and daughter, but that was like 8 years ago. And we haven't been in this store since then, we've been to other {insertstorenamehere} but not this one."

"That's horrible..."

What inner Yingafred was thinkin: "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-PLEASE-STOP-PLEASE-GO-AWAY-YOU'RE-CREEPY"

After this he grabs his bag and begins to leave. I tell to him to have a great day, and he then responds as if he's distracted with a distant "you too". Like the memory was weighing heavily on his mind.

Interacting with him was so odd. As soon as he went into his serious mode it was like he was in a trance or something. It was strange. I'm glad he left. Eurg.

WELL. That was my WTF moment.

Hope the rest of you are doing well~<3

--Yingafred

Hellmart Newbie Has Horrifying Creepy Custy Encounter

From Hellmart Newbie:

Hey everyone.

Long time reader, first time poster. Ya-da ya-da. I have a good story for you though that, even when I think back on it, have a hard time believing. I had a horrible encounter with a pervy custy from HELL.

So I just got hired at Wal-mart. To work in the Hardware department. I know next to nothing about hardware and shit, but hey it was a job, I can read boxes and labels. Was working my first Saturday dayshift. I was with one other coworker there, but he was either on break or called away. I can't remember which, just remembered he wasn't there.

Had a custy come up and decided he wanted to ask me 3290230 questions on how to do some stupid job that I knew nothing about.

Being the good slave I was though, I allowed him to drag me around from wiring to tools to whatever other gizmo aisle he wanted to visit. Then the creepyness started while we were looking at the wall hooks. 

PCH (pervy custy from hell) was standing a little TOO close for comfort. While I was explaining prices I felt his hand/arm/whatever brush across my boobs.

Ook, awkwardness, but hey, it could of been a honest mistake. He was standing right on top of me and my boobs are pretty big. (...lucky me /sarcasm) Plus, when I looked down at the floor, him being so damn close, I could see his lower body half without trying or wanting. Fucking dude had a fucking BONER. Great...

So I contuine on my spiel of prices and next thing I know, he GRABS my ass. Not accidental touching, but full on GRABBING. Hold the FUCK up....what?! 

I backed up and said "you can't do that." But did he stop?! No!! Every step back I took, he took one step forward. With that CREEPY fucking CREEEEEPY look in his eye. Think he mumbled something about beautiful, sexy, sex, I don't know what the fuck else. I was trying to get away from him when all I wanted to do was kick him in his nutsack. 

Luckily, a coworker from the tire department walked up to ask me something (I could have SERIOUSLY kissed him for saving me) and PCH walks away. TDG (tire department guy) noticed I was pretty spazzed out, talked me down, and took me to talk to my manager. (TDG and I didn't have the same assistant manager.)

Now my assistant manager was a HAG. She was hateful and mean. But you would think she would be a little understanding since she wa a GIRL. Nope, I was told it's my job to make the customers happy, and that custys are always right. Sure, whatever fucking hag.I didn't sign up to be molested at work.

TDG decided to have me talk to our co-manager (higher than assistant manager, lower than store manager) Great so now I have to retell this tale again, to a guy manager now, who (might I say) looks like fucking Adonis. Luckily he was a little more understanding, and had me talk to LP and shit. Told them what PCH looked like, so on and so forth. Took me the rest of the day to finally calm down, but figured I put this all behind me.

Nope...following Saturday, there was PCH. And every Saturday for the next 3 months. Awesome. I got a new stalker. Most of the time I was able to escape to the backroom before he reached me and nothing was ever done. But one day I wasn't so lucky.

I got stuck making paint for a couple and PCH showed up in the middle. Fuck, wasnt going to be able to run now. And management took my walkie and phone away so I had no way to page someone. Fucking LOVELY.

Well, finished with the couple and PCH said he wanted paint. He wanted the brand and base (eggshell or whatever shit) paint that was in the fucking corner of the store. Corner that was hidden from people's view. Fuck, fuck, FUCK. I prayed to the heavens that he would stay by the counter. Nope...he followed me right into that corner. 

When I turned around with the paint he wouldn't move. Instead, he pushed his weight onto me, pinning me to the wired shelfing unit. I actually dropped the gallon of paint onto my foot and since he wouldnt move I couldn't get it off. (Finally did once the throbbing stopped a bit to kicked it off.)

I'm seriously freaking out, thinking he is going to rape me in this little corner of fucking Wal-mart. He was over a foot taller than me (I am only 5'0) and clearly weighed more than me. So...I did what any normal freaked out girl would do. I screamed and screamed and screamed. Least til he covered my mouth with his hand. I just prayed someone in tires or sporting goods heard it. And thank the heavens, the managers and LP were walking through that side of the store at just the right moment. 

Adonis (co-manager) actually tackled PCH to the ground and SAT on him while one of the LP guys dialed 911 on his cell. I was huddled in the corner in a ball, freaking out, crying my eyes out like there was no tomorrow. One of the female managers and female LP (luckily not that fuckface Hag) were trying to get me to calm down enough to make it to the back to the manager's office. 

It was a very long day. I spend the majority of it in the office talking to the police. My hag manager was flipping out because I hadn't clocked out by the 5th hour for my lunch (stupidest fucking rule ever) and actually wanted to write me up over it. Someone finally just clocked me out to shut her up, but I was able to go on lunch for real later while on the clock to make up for it. (Hag didn't like that either.)

Managers made more regular walks through hardware on the days I was working from that day on. And Adonis won the coolest manager award from me.

--Hellmart Newbie Slave

Funny Custy Tales: Sugar Baby Needs Cash

OMG Y’ALL!

I just had an Anna Nicole Smith encounter!

She’s not dead people but merely reincarnated into another body of some Sugar Baby ! Here’s how it went down.

After the holidays, most retailers have dip in sales with January being the slowest month of the year so all things were quiet on the retail front.

I was manning the counter as usual but who should come in but Sugar Baby and her satchel of gifts given to her from her meal ticket.

Knowing the drill, she drops her bags on the encounter and requests a return. After throwing her receipts at me totaling close to $1000, I begin to process her request.

Normally, I ignore such rudeness from custys and avert my eyes while I finish the job at hand but some voice in my head told me to look up.

To tell you the truth RHU, I shouldn’t have because the moment I gazed at Sugar Baby she turned into Medusa from Clash of the Titans! I mean she turned me into the stone by having me transfixed on her appearance. Okay, have you ever seen a really bad car accident on the road that you could not help but stare at it? Well this was one of those times! Sad to say, Sugar Baby had some really, and I do mean really, bad plastic surgery!

The woman was nipped, tucked, pulled, and implanted to the point that she looked like a space alien getting off the mothership. Put it this way, Sugar Baby made Joan Rivers and catlady socialite Jocelyn Wildenstein look normal. My eyes burned as I stared into the eclipse. Solar flares were shooting out her eyes causing me to believe that 2012 was happening early As I began to process her return, the alien began to speak.

Sugar Baby: I bought these for son but he obviously does not like them. I want to return them for cash. (Translation: Take me to your leader Earthling or else I will anally probe you.)

Me: No problem. Receipt is here. Check. Tags attached. Check. (A thousand dollars worth of designer stuff that your spoiled Hellspawn does not want. Check.) Okay, let me take care of this for you.

I start to do the return when Sugar Baby gets on her cell and dials her Sugar Daddy. Oh RHU this is when Anna Nicole Smith starts to bust out of the alien’s body. (Where’s Sigourney Weaver when you need her?)

Sugar Baby starts to speak in a baby voice for her Sugar Daddy. I shit you not! It was this high pitch infant voice the appeared too paranormal for words. (Perhaps it was some alien language like Pig Latin or a Kardashian.)

Sugar Baby: Oooooooooh Honeeeeeeeey! This is your Sugar Babeeeeeeeey! My son does not like any of the stuff you bought him. (Pouts.) I’m sorry to bother you in your meeting. I know you’re really busy. Look I have to return them because I don’t have any cash on me. (Starts to whine.) Your Babeeeeeey does not have any moneeeeey! I need cash babeeeeey because I’m hungreeeeeey. I need to eat Honeeeeey. I’ll see you later. Okay love you. (Makes kissing sounds on her cell.)

I finish the return and give her a large wad of bills from my register. Apparently, Sugar Daddy does not feed his Sugar Babeeeeey. Sugar Daddeeeey, take note. Feed your Babeeeeey so she doesn’t have to carry a large wad of moneeeey and get mugged like some dummeeeeeey! Honeeeeeey, that would be a tragedeeeeeey!

On the upside, the alien can now use her new elastic skin as weapon to whip away potential robbers or wear it as a designer belt accessory!

--Queer Geek

 

Closing Time Nightmares In Grocery Hell

From Then Let Them Eat Crack:

Hello RHU, its been a little while since I sent in a rant.  

Did I fall asleep for a second and someone shoved the red pill up my ass when I wasn't looking and tripped me down the damned rabbit hole?  

I was doing my normal closing duties, and the girl running the check-yourself-out-demon-robot-baby-skynet machine had to pee (for about the tenth freaking time that night) so I go down to run the machine while she runs to potty.  

She is finishing an order in which some of the rednecks my town is famous for were buying...you guessed it, booze.  

I noticed the machine full of bottles of Day-go-better and one item still in the cart.  I wondered to myself if they had already scanned it but dismissed it.  

After they left I looked at their receipt.  They payed for $70 worth of liquor and then stole a $2 freaking pack of Solo Cups!  

Tonight while I was attending the machines again a lovely custy comes to the office and throws, literally throws, a bunch of fives at our floor supervisor (who politely informs them that I will return shortly and asks to help them) and says "I wan't some Fucking 20's, that piece of shit machine gave me all 5's."  

I've worked in Hell for over ten years, I shouldn't be able to be shocked by people but I'm continually surprised by stupidity.  

As always, if they have no jobs,

--Then Let Them Eat Crack.

Retail Hell Memories: Violent Discount Rat Encounter

The Last Archimedean here.

This is the worst experience I ever had in retail hell. I worked for this particular decent-sized individual store [not a franchise -- this is key, the store was actually mom & pop and had an owner] for 11 months before returning to school after saving up my money from working there.

I usually worked in the back of this store, but two of our front-line people were out sick so I volunteered to help handle the customers that day. Things were going decently [nothing more than the usual imbecility] until:..

Jackass Customer: "Where's [owner]?" [The owner wasn't actually in the store that day.]

The Last Archimedean: "He's not in the store today, sir. May I help you?"

JC: "Yes! You can tell him he's a... [lets out string of worst cursing TLA has ever heard, for 3 minutes straight, and TLA used to be in the Navy]

TLA [interrupting, since customer had no intention of stopping]: "I'm sorry you feel that way, sir. Can I help you find something?"

JC: [shocked by interruption]: "I want [product] for [about 15% of its normal price]! [Owner] told me months ago I could have it for that price and yesterday he broke his promise! [Begins cussing out owner again]"

TLA: "I doubt that very much, sir. [Product] is [price], but I am authorized to give two customers per day a 10% discount."

JC punches TLA in the stomach. HARD. I stagger backwards and try to get my breath back while JC begins cursing out the owner again.

TLA: "Sir, either buy [product] at [price], or please leave. I can give you a 10% discount. [Owner] will be in the store tomorrow if you'd like to come back then and talk to him."

JC: "Damn right I will!" [storms out]

[He never came back. When the owner heard from the 3 other employees at the other registers what happened, he called JC and told him he was lucky we weren't pressing charges for assault and he was permanently banned from the store.]

--The Last Archimedean