I'm sure many of you are familiar with that terrible department store known as Hellmart. Unfortunately, I've gotten sucked into the soul-destroying void. You can call me Bitch Goddess of the Gardens, or if you prefer something short and succinct, Garden Bitch will do nicely.
I have many tales of horror from the few months I've been there so far; I've found half-eaten food shoved behind product, I've found a Pepsi can full of chewed tobacco left on my shelves. My favorite custy story so far has to be the father who threatened me with a lawsuit over his hellspawn, so that's the one I'd like to share.
I work in the garden, so naturally, we have a lot of tools like rakes, shovels, shears...lots of things with little pointy bits that can cause a lot of damage. I've had cuts and bruises from most of our tools because custys refuse to handle them properly. This one takes the cake.
There are only two of us in the garden (plus the manager who is in the back room) when this happens. A “gentleman” comes in with his daughter and proceeds to chat up my increasingly uncomfortable coworker; we'll call him Oblivious Asshole and my coworker CG.
While Oblivious Asshole is hitting on CG, his hellspawn has proceeded to run around the department like a cat on speed, knocking things over and destroying displays, with me chasing her trying to corral her back to Oblivious.
Oblivious makes a couple of half-assed comments telling hellspawn to calm down, but he's not paying attention. His eyes are obviously on CG's chest and he has her effectively trapped behind the counter desperately trying to summon management. Meanwhile, hellspawn has pulled the safety plastic off of a pair of garden shears and is running around with them, brandishing them at me when I get too close and knocking things off shelves with them. At one point she managed to get outside and destroyed three fruit trees with the damn things.
This goes on for ten minutes; Oblivious still chatting up CG and me chasing hellspawn around the department. Eventually, she crashes into one of our grill displays and goes down. Unfortunately, I didn't quite catch how she manages to slice her arm with the shears, but she does a huge amount of damage to herself and is now bleeding all over me, my floors, the shears, and another custy who stopped to help me. Good Samaritan takes a brand new shirt he just purchased and hands it to me to stem the bleeding, while CG is grabbing the phone and calling for Big A (the department MOD) to have him call an ambulance.
Eventually, Oblivious realizes that we are all panicked over something and he hasn't heard his daughter screaming raucously for a few moments; he turns and sees her bleeding all over everything. Cue the screaming at me for touching his precious hellspawn, cue the ranting about how the garden staff should supervise things better (because it's totally my responsibility to watch your hellspawn while you flirt with someone who is clearly not interested), cue the threats of how he's going to sue and he should kick my ass for letting his precious little girl get hurt.....blah blah freaking blah.
Big A shows up with the paramedics and security, and Oblivious starts in on how he only turned his back for a second and clearly I attacked his hellspawn with the garden shears, and he wants me fired immediately and arrested for assault.
At which point MB (the store manager) walks up and tells Oblivious that he's watched the security footage and his hellspawn would not have gotten hurt if A) Oblivious was watching her and B) she wasn't running around threatening the staff and playing with the tools.
I haven't seen Oblivious since, but we did find out from his wife that their hellspawn needed twenty stitches and was in the hospital for a few days. She also brought Starbucks gift cards for myself, CG, and Good Samaritan for putting up with Oblivious and doing our best to get the child taken care of. And CG and I both got commendations and a bonus from MB in our next paycheck.
--Bitch Goddess of the Gardens