Retail Hell Underground

Piggy N. A.T. Reject

Pic from Depot Demon, captured at Hellmart: Really?! I get that York patties are delicious, but they could have at least bought the damned thing.

 

Question Fro RHUers

'Ello RHU! DepotDemon here, not with a rant, but a question.

Since I started going to University, I've seen some people I used to work with. Some I was never chatty with, but we knew each others name, and some I talked to on a sporadic basis.

My question is: Do you say "hello ***" and go through the small talk, or just give the 'nod' and keep going?

Any advice would be appreciated and ease the awkwardness.

Stay Strong!

Love,
DD

Depot Demon: Buh-bye Home Improvement Hell

 

Hello again, RHU! 

I did quit Depot, so yay! Minimal crying ensued, a few hugs were thrown, and one apron left with me. 

Depot does do one thing nice for those that leave of their own accord; they give you an apron signed by any associate who wanted to. 

I never realized how many inside jokes existed involving me. :) It was weird, I almost didn't want to leave. 

Yeah, I bitched about it, but the people were cool.

On with a rant! Its a little one I swear. 

As part of my security gig, I sit at a desk and be cheerful, after I've been up all night, no less. While sitting at said desk, we are expected to greet the tenants as they pass. 

No big deal, right?

Apparently saying something along the lines of "Good Morning" is just plain wrong to some. 

I've had people look like I kicked them in the nuts - that look that says "How dare security speak to me?!" or my personal favourite: they will turn away from the desk and stare at the wall!

Maybe it's just me, but it seems a little rude. I understand it's morning and Starscmucks hasn't kicked in yet, but hell, a head nod would be sufficient instead of being a rude ass.

Fuck, I never knew good morning would be a hot button for me. 

On a happier note, school is working out for me. It's a lot of work, but its for a good cause. :)

Love from 

--DepotDemon 

(I'm not changing the name, I love it too much)

   

Depot Demon About To Escape Hell

Hello there RHU!

Great news has been bestowed upon me. My financial aid came through, and that meant I could give my notice to Depot.

*happy dance*

My manager's reaction was just beautiful.

All he said was "Well, that sucks."

In that 'I expected it, but am still sad' tone. There was no angry words, zero 'please stay's. It was nice.

Now fast forward a couple of days..to the self entitled douche bag mongrels.

I have had no less than 3 customers open the gates and walk right the fuck in, in the aisle with the machine fucking running!

And each and every one of them pulled this gem "You mean I can't go in and get one fucking thing?! (No you fucktard, not this second)

"Well, you know what?! I'm not going to fucking get it."

They got even more pissed that I didn't give a flying fart in space about it.

Oopsie. :)

I swear to whoever, it was like the world said "Hey! How bout we all go and act like complete asses to those retail slaves this week?!"

Oh, yea. I almost forgot.

I had my machine licenses suspended for a couple of days. I dropped a pallet of doors from 12 feet up.

Even though the pallet had no bottom slats, and it was in no way my fault, I had to get drug tested.

476 dollars worth of damages, no customers hurt (sadly). I figure 2 major incidents in 3+ years, I'm doing pretty good, lol. Just 6  more shifts, I can do this.

Love, peace and 'medication' (Jack, Jim, a little Captain),

--DepotDemon

 

Customer Reject

From Depot Demon: Found at Hellgreens by a friend of mine working 3rd shift. Guess they didn't really need those.

Wedding Reception Hell

Hey RHU!

DepotDemon back with another story, and its not about retail! (Shocker, I know) It does have to do with idiot drunks, tho. :)

The Demon moonlights as a security guard as I've mentioned before, and as part of my post, the restaurant on the top floor hosts wedding receptions on weekends.

Normally other than a couple of dumb questions like this gem "How do I go up?" (Said while standing next to an elevator with 4 signs saying use this button to go up) I don't mind. Occasionally, I get to sample the leftovers, which I love :)

Last night was the worst fucking wedding reception I have ever had the torture of working.

The guests came in drunk, one was drunk enough to rap "Make 'em say Unnh" by Master P.

And almost every single guest could have been a contestant in the Miss Trailer Park Pageant (the kind of women Family Guy would have a field day with) 

Somehow I knew the night was going to suck.

The highlights:

*The guests put 20 people on an elevator. And ignoring my pleas to split up.

*In order to go smoke, they have to go thru the lobby. They brought their drinks down with them, trying to take them outside. Its Illegal in Ohio. They continue to ignore me, and I start praying the cops arrest them.

*No less than 5 adults ran down the up-moving escalator. I turned the damned thing off. The guests were upset that I took away their fun.

* AND the icing on the cake (haha) they broke the front door. I don't even know how they did it. It couldn't close. The building engineer couldn't fix it. He did get it closed tho, so no crazies could come in.

I swear its like people's IQ drops to nothing at a wedding reception with alcohol.

Please remember, Security isn't trying to ruin your night.

They're just doing their job. Love, and Peace.

--DD

 

4th of July Douchetard at The Depot

Happy 4th of July. I hope you all were lucky and you were closed to the douches who apparently can't stay home and singe their eyebrows off.

I did have someone tell me that they believed we shouldn't work on the Holiday.

I got to say as sickly sweet as possible: 'Then who would be here to help you?'

There was no response, as I suspected. :)

Ok, on to my bestest crustomer ever.

*gag*

DD has a hot button.

It's that one thing I cannot control my temper on: Men who treat Women like shit (oh, I know women do it too, sadly I see the men more)

I helped, no, took shit from, this asshole fucktard with mulch. He came up to me, and told me he was getting 40 bags of mulch, fine whatever. He starts getting pissy, its taking too long, wah.

I tell him to pull his car to the side gate. He does. But before he goes, he whistles for his wife like a fucking dog. (Did I mention his wife has a black eye? Odd :/) Great.

The gates locked, now I have to wait for the ASM. It takes 5 minutes, 10 minutes tops. I grab the machine, and before I even get inside he starts ripping me a new ass because he had to 'wait for a half a hour, while you play games.

I stacked a pallet of 40 inside!' (Funny, he never mentioned that one to me, Dick)

He has been yelling, cussing, you name it from the drivers side of the car at me on the passenger side, yelling across his wife like she doesn't exist.

That's it, I start having visions of driving the tow motor forks into his pretty car and lifting it into the stratosphere, and watching it plummet to the ground popping all four tires and snapping his neck.

I have to leave, because I was seriously considering it. I go inside and get another machine because as luck would have it, the gas pedal is broke on the tow motor I was on.

Grr, snarl, hiss.

I look for the other one, and my ASM is on it. I ask to use it and explain how douchebaggy this guy is. This is why he's my favourite ASM. JP asked if I wanted him to load dude up. (JP is tattooed up, and looks like Ron Pearlman and hates customers almost as much as the slaves do)

I say, yes please. JP goes out and wouldn't ya know it, dude is all nice and cordial to JP.

I'm like WTF. Whatever asshole. I go to help him load his shit and dude sneers at me 'You don't have to do a thing.'

I storm away. JP comes back inside and he turns to me and says 'What a jackass.' :)

Because JP can tell a Douche from a mile away.

That customer pissed me off so bad I clocked out 15 minutes early, and smoked until my ride got there, and I'm still pissed.

Does that kind of behaviour piss anyone else off?

Happy 4th all of ya!

Love,

--DepotDemon

Customer Rejects at The Depot

From Depot Demon: "The caulking gun belongs on the other side of the store, and the wood is just half of what was taken off the shelf. Evil sucktards."

Depot Demon's Summer of Hell

Dear RHUers,

First I have some excellent news! Provided my financial aid comes through, this will be my last summer at the Depot!!!!! (Hell, even if it doesn't go through) I'm going back to College. Whoo, yay me!

The reasons I'm quitting? Part-time requirements are going to suck, shitty co workers, and the dumb fuck customers who had an extra serving of Douchebag with their Wheaties.

The decision was made when I asked for Fridays off too. (I have another job, as a Security Guar-(ahem) Officer, that eats up my nights) Since there's this fucked-up policy coming down the pipe (Or my HR/Scheduler lied to me) that part-time associates have to meet these 2 requirements:

One: You must be available a "minimum" 20 hours a week. Fine, whatever. Depot has flexible hours......wait, there's more?

Two: All part time associates must have full weekend availability.

....wait, what? Ok, it doesn't seem too bad, until you hear the explanation behind it.

"Depot has a set amount of hours, and for every part time associate we set aside 20 hours."

Ok, that makes sense. "Blah, blah, and because the part-time people have such restricted hours, the full time associates get screwed."

Still making sense, but I have a question: Isn't the point of working part-time so you can have your pick of hours, due to school, cults, children, whatever?

Now I have another theory and it may be just paranoid bull but here goes:

I think that Depot may hate me in the places that count. Scheduling, hassled by another Department's supervisor, and nothing gets done about either.

The HR broad did like me when I was a full time depot bitch, but since I have limited availability, she's been on me about opening my hours. Doing 32 hours at Depot and 40 rattling doorknobs per week?

No thanks. I sort of like my sanity. (Not to mention I did it for a fucking year before)

Now she avoids me, fine.

But the other guy seems to love to get me written up. Little does he know, I do enough that write ups don't stick.

I do my work list, put on my "Customers FIRST" face and even help said customers. So piss on you Fail (which is my pet name for him, the nicest one anyways. Lol)

Fail, the Department supervisor that I would dunk in a vat of tar or give a bath using a razor blade to. He hates lumber. We don't know why, he just does. He has tried various tactics to get me fired for about a year with no luck (Take that you Christmas carol singing fuckface, He sings them all year round.) From reporting me for too many smoke breaks, not being in my department, to not filling an end cap, to saying that I stole something.

Die, Die Die Fail!!!! (BTW; all of which were untrue)

This latest one takes the mothafucking cake.

He pulled one of my friends aside at Depot and told them this gem of wisdom: "You need to stop hanging around her. Its a bad career move."

What. THE. FUCK...you. I don't even fucking talk to you. When you sing, you scare me. I avoid you more than Tampon, and that's a feat.

When my friend, Chewy told me this, I did what any good associate would do: I went and told my ASM, who knows how Fail is.

No proof, there's nothing that can be done. Fuck.

That's not to mention Tampon. I found out a gem about her. She talks at least as much shit about me as I do her, but she only does it when I'm not there, whereas I don't give a flying pig fart if she hears me or not (call me whatever you want for it, work with her and try to not verbally bash her)

This bitch will tell you how to run the how-to clinics Depot loves to fucking run, but she will not to save the life of a dying baby seal run one her damn self. She once spent 10 minutes telling me how she would run this clinic, and proceeded to move everything on the table to how she wanted it. I finally told her to stop touching my table and gtfo.

I've been driving the machines for 2 and a half years, and she wants to tell me how to drive. After the 5th or 6th time, I politely told her that I know what I'm doing. She looked at me like I killed a kitten.

And I didn't even swear.  

She will actually argue with the customers, which would ordinarily be great...if she was right on policy or how to do it. She's a nightmare to work with and all I can do is avoid her like the plague.

Summer is in full gear, which means lots of opportunities for me to drive maniacally using heavy machines around crustomers, tons of fucking idiots, and sweaty backbreaking work.

Hoo boy. I only have to hold out until August 25.

I can't wait.

Same bat time, same bat channel,

--DepotDemon

 

Slam-a-licous Day at the Hell Depot

DepotDemon here and let me say:

Holy shit, summer has descended upon lumber, and is gobbling up the poor under-caffinated souls who are chained there.

In about an hour and a half, all of the following has taken place:In about an hour and a half, all of the following has taken place:

*I got yelled at for what something came up as when the tag scanned. Like it was my fucking fault that the tag reads as a 12 foot piece when its only 8. Not my fault you cheap anal astronaut.

*We are missing 61 pieces of pipe. I have to find it for fat ass doo rag and his lovely giant wife. So I do the right thing: I go on the computer to find out if another store has some. The customers were pissed because I didn't call to confirm. I'm sorry, they might be busy too and oh, yea, I'm human. I forget things. Deal with it.

*Same customer also swore to me that Depot carries 40# bags of Concrete." No we don't, yes I'm sure. I believe you that you bought it 3 years ago and we should still have it." Bite me and my orange apron clad ass.

*It took 40 minutes to get something down that should have taken 10 maximum. Why? Customers wanting shit cut, us to jump through hoops, to bitch that the price is too high.

*Did I also mention the pallet that someone else needed, or the 2 picnic tables that 'had' to be put on the floor?

And people wonder why I still smoke. Its a customer service tool.

Till next time, stay caffeinated  and semi-sane!

--Depot Demon

Cutting Hours and Shitty Coworkers

Hello, all my fellow sufferers.

*rant alert*

Its been slow at the Hell Depot, so no real gems as of late.

With the exception of these two of course:

Ok, the weather here has been kinda shitty. (Stephen King would have a field day here)

I get it, but do you have to hack at the part time hours with swipes Jason Voorhees and Freddy Krueger would be envious of?!

I got 9 hours cut this week alone, out of 24.

It wouldn't be so bad if you told me not to come in, you know before I got there!

It's not just my hours, it's across the entire store, even the full time people were asked to take vacation time.

Leaving one person in each department at a time.That's two people all fucking day. Yet each slave must keep the customers happy and the department looking oh-so-nice.

Yea, sure.

And I think *all* customers are full of sunshine and daisies.

All so our District Manager gets his bonus.

Jackass.

--Oh, right the other part of my rant:

Lumber has a new associate. Yay. She was a department head of Lumber. Cool, she's not an idiot.

BUT: she *still* thinks she's a department head.

Shit.

This broad, I affectionately refer to her as 'Tampon' (which is oddly close to her real name). She fucking orders ANY associate around like she fucking owns the place. 

She actually told me this fucking gem:

"Nothing seems to get done around here unless I do it."

What. The. Fuck. I was dumbfounded.

I wanted to throttle the holy fuck out of her. Every other associate has on more than one occasion mentioned an 'accident' happening to her.

That's just in the last month she's been there.

I hope she gets fired.

Thank you RHU for letting me rant 

You guys keep me from ending up on the 11 o'clock news. Till next time!

--Love from, DepotDemon

Lost Shopping Carts

Perhaps they are trying to get back to the island?

Pics from Depot Demon, who says: "All of these poor carts were abandoned by the custys who take the bus. I would guess its a half mile or so from the entrance, I feel bad for the lot person. It took 2 pictures to get them all."

10 Ways To Make Retail Hell Borderline Fun

1. While throwing out trash, pretend that you are a secret agent destroying evidence (more effective if you hum the "mission impossible" theme)

2. Throughout the day, speak in different accents whenever you can get away with it

3. If you get "work lists", pretend that each task is a quest, and by completing a task, you are X% done with the game

4. If you get injured, don't say you're getting a band aid, say you're going to the healer.

5. Slink about the aisles pretending you are a ninja and are looking for your target.

6. Imagine what would happen if you turned your store into a paint ball field.

7. When asked where something is tell them its 2 aisles further than where it actually is. (Not to be done near management)

8. Work on your juggling skills with whatever stock you can get away with dropping.

9. Make up stuff about a product and see if a customer catches on (for example; 'yes this product is microwaveable and can withstand a zombie attack)

10. Stalk a person around the store, and do your damnedest to not get caught.

*Bonus for the ones who cashier:

Give customers the smallest bills possible, especially if they pay in change (I don't cashier so I have no idea what its like on the front end, but I sympathize)

                    *                    *                    *                    

Of course, I don't want anyone to get fired, because we all know as much as we hate the Hell, we need the money.

However the stalking of the customer could be looked at  as "ensuring that the crustomer receives excellent customer service" (I almost gagged while typing that) and could get you a raise...Amy ways, hope this helps even a little bit.

Love,
DepotDemon

Customer Reject

From Depot Demon: "Giving a *shout* out to the side dishes."

Custy Rules For Home Improvement Shopping

How to make your Lumber Shopping experience pleasant...

Or alternatively titled:

How not to piss off the Lumber associate helping you.

*Do not yell across 6 aisles to get my attention. Do walk over to me and ask for my assistance.

*If I am at either saw with another customer, do not tap me on the shoulder (especially if its running) to ask me to cut your wood. I'm not for losing my fucking fingers for your shelf or stockade. Also note that gum popping, sighing, tapping your foot or standing less than a foot behind me will not win you favor points.

*Do not tear apart my shelves and toss the contents all over the aisle, if I didn't want to help you before, now I only wish you would knock yourself out on the racking.

*You would be amazed how far you can get by asking me nicely. "When you have a moment, could I ask you something?" Instead of (whistle) "Ay! What do I have to do to get some help in here?! Doesn't anybody work here!?"

*Dont rant to me about the prices. I don't make them, I think they are obscene too. Just accept it, and move on.

*There is a fine line between polite conversation and just being rude. Asking me how long I've worked here is fine, but telling me to beautify myself is not on any level fine.

*(This one is key) Do not ask me to get one of the guys to help you after I spent 10 minutes explaining something to you. 99.9% of the time , the guy I get you will tell you the same thing I said, and if the guy doesn't know, they will ask me.  Take what I've told you and go the fuck home.

*Finally, do not ask me to bring down a whole pallet so you can pick through that because the *full* shelf has all "crap".

If you as a customer ignore this list, do not expect a warm, shopper friendly experience.  Do expect us to want you the fuck out of our sights, and possibly a tangible aura of attitude oozing out of our pores.

'Til next time slaves,

DepotDemon

Evile Depot Propaganda

We at the Depot have a newish policy being thrust down our throats by corporate.

I say newish because its a rehash of our orientation training.

It even has an acronym FIRST.

Its on our aprons (underlined of course) and on a patch that we had to take a class to get (It was a 2 hour class WTF)

*F* Find the customer.

I agree, find them while wielding a blowtorch and grease paint that would make Rambo proud.

*I* Inquire about their project.

Wait, you really want us to find out what they think they can do with a sharp object?  "Of course you're doing little Johnny's science project for him, what a good mom you are."Gag me.

*R* Respect the customer.

....like they do us, right? "No, really holding the handsaw upside down will work for you, you just keep trying. You'll get it."

*S* Solve the customers problem.

Oh, wait, do it for them, right? So the fat broad in the powerchair can say she built her extra large casket herself.

*T* Thank the customer.

In my professional opinion, the only way I could thank them is chasing the DP's, spawn, and NAT's out of the fucking store with my paintball gun, with orange paintballs naturally.

Live orange!

-DepotDemon

Dumbass Walmart Customer Gets Told

Must be something in the cold air...or perhaps the holidays have short circuited our patience panels, but another RHU Blogger gets a Retail Balls Award! Depot Demon faces off with a super stupid custy at Walmart:

My fellow slaves,

DepotDemon speaking to you all about the age old question that is the bane of all retail...

"Do you work here?"

We all know that this question does not end well, but for once it does.

I am one of those people who shops at Wally World, way more often than I should, but what can I say? I'm cheap. :/ I never wear a blue shirt near the place, but still I get asked if I work there.

I work another job as a security guard...wait, officer (eye roll inserted here) and the uniform is a white dress shirt, and dark grey dress pants. Al long as memory serves, those colors come nowhere near blue and khaki, in any demension.

To top it off, I have a heavy winter coat on.

I'm standing in mens wear looking for gloves, and this obnoxious fat lady turns to me, and asks very loudly and gratingly (is that even a word?) "Do you work here?"

To which I look down at my outfit, look back up, and say "Are you kidding me? Does it look like I fucking work here? I mean I know white looks like blue but I'm sorry I don't."

As she walked away, I heard a grumble about "the manager" or something.

I suppose I could have been nicer, but I did just come from Depot and there was 3 years of repressed Depot anger and I just didn't give a damn.

So for once, I got to say what I really felt and it felt AWESOME!!!!!! Bwhahaha!

What Depot Demon Wants For Christmas

Dear RHU Santa,

I have been an excellent Retail Slave this year.

I haven't dropped anything on a customer, or lost my cool in their faces, or threatened anyone in over a week (which is thoroughly impressive).

I really only want one thing for X mas this year.

Please Santa, can I have my soul back?

I've made a bad deal.

I'm underpaid and overfucked (in hell anyways), and I have to lie to people that I'm truly interested in their project that they're building for their spawn, I mean kids.

I know you probably get that request a lot, anta, so I don't expect it. Although, I could use a new paintball gun with all the trimmings, and some paint grenades. See they closed the paintball field near here and the Depot is looking excellent for a new paintball field, complete with customers...I mean targets.

So Santa, thanks for reading and good luck with the diabetes!

Loads of love,

DepotDemon

Devil Spawn Get Told At the Depot

Hello my fellow slaves!

It's the friendly DepotDemon again, with a short story. Gather round kids!

This happened to one of my fellow lumber associates a week or two ago. He was driving our reach truck (Where you are standing backwards with the forks behind you, something about obstructed views or something) and he was driving in the store, following every safety regulation (all 1 billion of them) or so he thought.

He looks back while driving to find a 13 year-old kid holding his 3 year old little brother on the forks!!! And the 13 year old thinks this is smart!

My coworker stops the machine, and as calmly as he can tells him:

"What the fuck are you doing? Are you a fucking moron?! I could get fired for that shit!"

To this the 13 year old just laughs and runs away.

I would bet money he didn't mention that to his mom. Who was nowhere to be found, by the way. She was probably looking for a leash for her fucking kids - at least that what she should have been doing.

When I was told that story, I gave my co worker a high five.

Till next time,

DepotDemon

And your Co-worker get's a Retail Balls Award from us! Way to go! Those Retail Devil Spawn need to be confronted and stopped. And their parents should be sentenced to 500 hours of hard labor at Octomom's house.

Retail DPs, Newbies, and Thieves

Hello all of my retail friends!

I know it's been a while since I wrote, but I work two jobs and am in the process of finding a place, not to mention that the economy has hit my department at the Depot. For some reason, planting a garden is much cheaper than building a deck, go figure.

Today's rant is about a couple of things: First the placement of associates, and second, the "DP"s (Displaced persons, it's the nicest thing we can call the foreigners who can't speak a lick of English and get mad that you don't speak pig Latin =})

At the Depot, we hire summer help, 90 days and if they like you, they offer you a permanent place at the store. It's really nice in Garden and Lumber, where a lot of tasks require 2 people. I recently got to talk with a new Garden associate, we'll call him "Skull", who I found out was in fact a carpenter by trade, but The genius that is HR, put him in garden. Where is the logic in that? He told me himself, "I couldn't tell you the difference between an annual or a perennial." I can't either. Along with Skull, in garden they put about 6 people who couldn't tell the difference either.

However in my department, they put 2 new people who have no idea what they are doing either. I don't mind new associates, but hiring someone in the middle of the busy season to be thrown into the bay of pigs is asking them to quit. I also am a little pissed that I get stuck training them. In the 2  years that I've been there, we've had about 6 people, none of which my department head has trained, but it's ok. He didn't train me either. It wouldn't be so bad if they didn't hire some winners of the Darwin award. (i.e. Idiots)

Next, on to the "DP"s. Who doesn't remember a time where they had to walk away because the conversation went like this:

They come up to you with a picture, a lot of hand waving and the phrase: "You help me, yes?"

It's worse in my department when they need something cut. My personal favorite is the piece of string as the length they need. Then they get mad the wood is too short because you put the sting too tight?

Or how about when they say: "I'm looking for, I don't know the word for it...."

I once had a guy who wanted something he drew on a piece of paper, it was either a rope or an anaconda, not sure which. I have no problem helping you if you bring a friend to translate or at least know the what to call it.

Also, I've had a few "DP"s hit on me. One guy's beady eyes scanned me up and down while he spewed his unintelligible gibberish at me. Maybe it was better I didn't know what he was saying. If I had, I might have taken a chainsaw and cut his balls off.

On a completely unrelated note, we had someone who was an in genius thief. At the Depot, we have this huge roll up door in the back of lumber, with basically thick plastic for the windows. This person grabbed 2 or 3 tool kits (About 400 bucks apiece) and proceeded to cut the windows on the door and set the kits outside, drove around the back and picked them up later. It really was brazen.

Off for another 4 day weekend, hope to rant soon.

Love,
DepotDemon