This story was originally posted on: August 20, 2010
For those whom are unaware, crack has a very distinct smell. It sorta smells like garbage bags on a radiator with a sugary after tone [scent?]. So needless to say when I started my shift at BACS one afternoon and was blasted in the face with the smell of crack, BO and Calgon I knew this day would be more epic then when Sisko discovered that he was half worm hole alien [but really by that point, we all knew he was, lets not kid our selves here].
Back on topic!
Cocky Postal Slave wonders out to the counter to ask the new girl [by new I mean NEW, this was her third day] if she needs any help. She gives me a look of terror and says in a shaky voice "Are we allowed to ship that?"
I look at the freight in question and vaguely recognize it as a flip phone. A flip phone gone horribly, horribly wrong.
In fact I'm so intrigued by what I am seeing that I almost missed the main event.
Picture this: Jaundiced face, seven teeth, four of which are covered with that black-y green film you get when you smoke rocks like crack and meth. Twine type hair woven with what looked like maybe yarn? Questionable gender, house slippers wrapped in grocery bags as shoes, maybe 90lb's in weight?
If ever there was a face of meth, this was it. Open sores, crazy eyes, twitchy, a sketchy, smelly, mother fucking crack head. In the flesh [or what was left that is].
Postal Slave is torn between what to be more amazed at. The fact that this face of meth actually made it's way to the industrial park without getting hit by a semi, or what it had done to the phone.
I decide to focus on the phone. I put on some gloves and pick up the phone. Examining the phone I notice some strange "additions" namely a giant hole through the key pad.
In the hole is a 1" copper end cap, some screening and a bunch of ash. There are also burn marks everywhere. Oh, and it reeks of crack.
I am actually impressed.
So I call Meth Face on it. "Hey there Champ, did you happen to fashion this phone into a pipe?"
Meth Face nods enthusiastically.
Man, Meth Face is proud and proceeds to tell me in detail how I too can turn my flip phone into a pipe.
At this point I decide to take meth face outside, the other customers [not too mention that poor, poor new girl. You know she quit shortly after that? So odd, this job truly does rule!], anywho people seem to be freaked out at Meth Face and its... smell so we're outside sitting on the grassy patch and it tells me how I too can make a "phone-pipe."
For those not fluent in crack I have roughly translated:
Step 1- Steal a flip phone.
Step 2- Rip out some copper piping from your local squat.
Step 3- Smash a hole in the phone key pad big enough to fit the stolen copper. Make another hole at the top to fit your straw.
Step 4- Ask to use the bathroom at your dealers house, steal the screen from his faucet, buy/ front/ blow your way to get some crack and bust the fuck out of there.
Step 5- Ask smokers for their ash or scavenge ash trays.
Step 6- Combine all ingredients in copper "bowl" and light up, flipping phone over and inhaling through the straw.
Step 7- Call random phone companies tell them the phone is "brokes" until you get a return shipping label.
Step 8- Go to BACS, ask for a box, scare the fuck out of the n00bs, custys and get your return label.
Step 9- Get denied insurance.
This is the end result:
My roomie and I made this one. (don't worry, we don't smoke crack and don't recommend smoking anything out of copper, or phones for that matter). We bought a crap phone on craigslist. Man, it was so much fun. I have a gas mask collection and we were outside with a bunch of copper smashing shit and wearing gas masks.
I thought the neighbors were gonna call the cops. Some skater kid was like wtf are you guys doing?? We told him we were making a crack pipe out of a flip phone. The look on his face was bitchin.....