Retail Hell Underground

4th of July in Retail Hell Sucks Stars and Stripes

The Fourth of July is upon us. Right around the fucking corner. And who will be working it? Me. You. EVERYONE OF US RETAIL SLAVES. And you all have the same managers... they post the fucking bulletin up about absolutely not requesting holidays off, etc. etc. God I fucking hate managers. They will totally get the CAKE shifts. As usual, right? They’re usually out back doing “paperwork” ALL FUCKING DAY. ANYways. That’s a whole other rant!

The biggest thing I hate about retail is working holidays. You know, I didn’t really mind it when I first started almost 7 years ago. Because I was young. And dumb. And full of fucking cum. I got some time and a half, or double time, and holiday pay, etc. etc. But now it seems as I’m getting older I’d like to have the fucking holidays to myself and my loved ones. Fuck holiday pay. Fuck time and a half. Just makes it so Uncle Sam can rape you harder in the ass. That’s all. Especially if you’re getting paid bi-weekly. They rape you so hard!

I have worked every fucking holiday for the past 7 years. I was the one to ALWAYS get nominated to work the shitty holiday shifts. Like “Oh, she doesn’t have anything better to do. She’s a loser. Let’s make HER work.” Bah. Fuck you all. Did I mention managers BLOW stinky monkey cock?

So of course, my other half is getting THURSDAY-SUNDAY off at his job. Of course. Thursday to fucking Sunday. That’s insanely sweet! That’s how factories are. They fucking give their people ALL the good shit off! I get one stinkin day off this holiday weekend.

I love to chill and grill too dammit. I want to dance naked with my sparklers and piss of the neighbors. I want to get completely annihilated and puke horrendous chunks in my yard. On the neighbors car. Etc. etc. I want to smoke cigs until my lungs explode. Yes. Oh yes. But I will not be able to. Fuck you retail giants for being open on holidays. And Sundays. (Once again. A whole other rant there!)

And all those fucking people I will see this weekend will make me even pissier. Because you KNOW that they could be spending time with their families and not driving their fucking gas guzzling Hummers and SUVs all the way out here to East Bumfuck. (And we ARE in East Bumfuck...we have pig farms nearby and we’re built on A FUCKING SWAMP!) But NOO instead they are at the fucking OUTLET MALL. On a holiday weekend. I can’t even fucking afford gas to go to the fucking outlet mall for my shitty job. Jesus.

And you know.. the sales really aren’t THAT great either. They never are. They just make so much fucking hype about them that people say “Oooh. Look at that 30%-50% off select merchandise. I must go! Oooh. Up to 70% off.” Ahh shut the fuck up. There’s ALWAYS an “UP TO” sale going on. Even on non-holidays you fucking imbeciles. And that 70% off will be one fucking rolling rack. Or one measly wall. Customers are getting swindled left and right. They’re so easy.

We happen to have a shitty holiday sale at work. And I’m glad too. I hope people bitch about it and fucking LEAVE! Bwahahaha. We had better sales on the non-holiday days then on holidays. Stupid fuckers don’t know any better!

So for all you Retail Slaves working this weekend. I salute you.

If you get a chance, take a few shots of Tequila for me PLEASE. Worm and all.

Happy Fucking Holidays,

Regan.

Happy Father's Day!

We want to wish all our Dads - Retail Slaves and Non-Retail Slaves alike, a very Happy Father's Day! We hope you're having a great day with your family! Here's some Retail Hell - Mad TV style that will surely make you laugh out loud...

Lorraine Buys A Bed

Lorraine Re-Mix

Father's Day Retail Hell

We hope none of you Retail Dads out there had to clean this shit up.

Memorial Day Retail Hell

From our Retail Slave Girl Tina in Florida:
"Ok, I get that weekends are busy in our dive of a world called retail. Everybody has a three day weekend, except us, the subservents of normal humanity. If the register lines get backed up...well...I'll be a good Retail Slut and open more.... calling all droids to the front for back up...
Then it happens... crotchety old ladies shout - Well I was next!!! - yes ma'am you are, so stay right there and my lil Droildlings will succumb to your evil whims, meamwhile I will take the rest of you devil pigs to the next Droid I summon off the sales floor who probably already knows who you are since they were the one with the misfourtune to slave your demands out there. Yet we all smile and make nice, because we need this job, yes I say to EACH OF THOSE BLOODSUCKERS: Enjoy your day! Oh and if the shelf label said 999 but it rings up 2399 it was in the wrong spot, and it will not get put on the price change report for your snot spawn....:) Have a nice Memorial Day"

Mother's Day Retail Hell Fallout

No, it's not Halloween. Apparently all was not Mother's Day calm yesterday in retailland. We received this disturbing message from Retail Slave Abrina in California:

"I always thought that Mother's Day was a day where you can thank your mom for all the crap she has to put up with you, and with breakfast in bed, and a full day of spending quality time together all day.... I thought wrong.

In Retail Hell today, I had hundreds of mothers, bring their screaming, crying children into our store and let messes settle after they passed though.

I cleaned up a melted icee, and I smelled like artificial blue raspberries. I told a customer I'll be right back, and the other, standing right there, asked me a questing as I was leaving. "Didn't you freaking hear me when I said I would be back in a moment, yes I'll look for a shoe for you when I'm trying to escape insanity, in a world where college educated persons don't even know how to read a black and white sign right above the damn product. So I'll be right back in a moment."

Customers want so much from a poor sales associate, working all alone in a demanding department, do they want me to wipe their ass too after they shit? I mean they can't even throw away their Surf City cup in a trash can five feet away, in clear view. In a mayan world, I can't wait till 2012, so maybe we can kill off some stupid people.

Hope all your Mother's Days were more pleasant that mine! In Retail Hell, I truly feel like a mom, cleaning up my children's messes, all the time."

Thanks for venting with us Abrina. We hope you are off today. We wanted to do something to cheer you up and we know you like animation, so here is a link to a funny potty-humor short from Weebl's Stuff.com. Enjoy. We all need a good Monday laugh, especially those of us who spent yesterday in Retail Hell.

Retail Hell April Fools Ideas. Take Advantage Slaves!

Kimberley in Illinois writes:

"I need some good April Fools ideas for my Retail Hell day."

What a fan-fucking-tastic idea Kimberley! Thank you! Next year we'll get more elaborate as I seriously think this should be an important Retail Hell Underground Holiday.

What other day could we get away with being sarcastic and mean back to Customers and Co-Workers and then deviously spout:

APRIL FOOLS!!!

Here are a quick few suggestions for you:

1. When a customer asks questions about a product
tell them something really stupid and unbelievable about it. "Oh yes, there's actually a gold processor in this computer," or "The fabric is all natural, completely pineapple based!" or "There's been a shortage of these and people are selling them on Ebay for thousands of dollars!" APRIL FOOLS!

2. Tell them the new plastic and paper bag law went into effect and you now have to charge $5 dollars for every plastic bag or shopping bag they use. You can add to this bit by saying most customers were refusing to pay the 3 bucks so they carried their shit out! APRIL FOOLS!! (would be fun here not to say April Fools and watch customers carry out their own crap!)

3. When they ask stupid Retail Hell questions be SARCASTIC AS HELL! Use some of our Do You Work Here? Comeback lines.

CUSTOMER: "Do you work here?"

YOU: "I did thirty seconds ago, but now I've decided to jump off the Hollywood sign - APRIL FOOLS!"

CUSTOMER: "How much are these jeans?"

YOU: "Two thousand dollars - big pause here to see them gasp - APRIL FOOLS!"

CUSTOMER: "Do you know where the bathrooms are?"

YOU: "We don't have bathrooms, but there's a creepy gas station across the street. - APRIL FOOLS!"

CLICK HERE FOR MORE Do You Work Here? COMEBACK LINES

4. Add zeros on to the total of the their purchase and don't give it up right away: "I'm sorry ma'am but it's $2,000, the computer doesn't lie. Maybe it's those Juicy Couture socks?" APRIL FOOLS!!

5. Just be a total Retail Bitch and rag on them for whatever and then say: "I'M JUST KIDDING! APRIL FOOLS!" (even though in your head you might really mean it!)

6. Page your Department Manager and scare them: "A Crazy Customer wants you and she is pissed off, screaming and yelling!" "The Store Manager wants you and she is pissed off, screaming and yelling! "Corporate just called and they are pissed off, screaming and yelling! APRIL FOOLS!

7. Tell the customer their credit card has been denied because it's in collections or their money is counterfeit! Hold the money and card up to the light and pretend to analyze them. APRIL FOOLS!

8. Tell your Co-worker the Store Manager called and there is a mandatory 5 am training meeting the next day and they have to show or be fired. Depending on whether or not you like the Co-Worker, you can opt to wait to say April Fools until the next day when they run into all pissed off because there was actually no meeting. APRIL FOOLS!

9. Pull apart the seems on the bottom of a shopping bag. When your customer picks it up, everything will fall out! APRIL FOOLS!

10. Wear your name tag on your backside. When people stop and ask you why it's there you say: "I just wanted you to check out my ass!" or "My back has a name too!" APRIL FOOLS!

GOOD TIMES CAN BE HAD BY ALL!! THANKS AGAIN FOR ASKING KIMBERLEY. WE HOPE YOU HAVE A RETAILICIOUS HELL-FREE DAY!

HAVE FUN RETAIL SLAVES! GIVE THE CUSTOMERS AND YOUR CO-WORKER'S RETAIL HELL!!!! APRIL FOOOOOOOLS!!!!

The Easter Bunny Hates You By Black20

These two Hilarious spoofs on the Easter Bunny's rise to violence are from Black20. They have have some funny shit on their website, check it out: BLACK20.COM

Happy Easter Retail Slaves!

 

Hippity-Hoppity!

Wishing all our Retail Slave
peeps a fun-filled, sweet chocolate bunny kind of day!

We hope you are off today and having a great time doin what you love to do!

From your skully, egghead Retail Sluts,

Jason, Carolanne, and Freddy

Peeps In Retail Hell

I hate hanging underwear!

Go-backs suck ass.

People are such pigs.

Why are hangars so fucking heavy?

Ouch, my head.

How much longer until break?

I think my balls just popped.

I can't feel my legs.

Tylenol please.

I know this phone is for customers, but my friend had an
accident with the step ladder.

Carts fucking suck.

I'm going to need a spatula and then I'm going home.

RHU NOTE:

Many peeps were harmed during this renegade photo shoot, BUT we are proud to report that absolutely NO messes - gooey or otherwise - were left behind for Retail Slaves of the bullseye to clean up. We would never do that to you.

Hungry Customer = Beheaded Chocolate Bunny