Retail Hell Underground

Jason's Halloween Store Hell Report

 
HALLOWEEN HORROR HELL IS HERE!!!!

BLOODSUCKING BITCHES AND PIGGY HO'S everywhere I look!

Their rotten stench fills the store's musty air.

MY Department is in chaos throughout the DAY...the bloodsuckers and piggies walk in but they just won't pay.

Talk...Talk...Talk...

Gnash... Gnash... Gnash...

Nom. Fuckin Nom.

The demanding undead custys act like Dementors hungry for their product and threatening to take our souls.

But the bloodthirsty bitches have no cash as they whip out their claws.

Hey SHIT FOR BRAINS...

QUIT that pounding on the glass..the store is CLOSED...

--Jason of The Underground

 

Custy Leaves Unexpected Gift For Halloween Retail Slaves

Jason of the Underground reports from Halloween Hell that a psychic custy come into the store the other day. She walked around watching and observing the customers and the Halloween maddness. Eventuallly she left without any fanfare.....Later as Jason was straightening up the piggy piles of costumes he found an unfamiliar package that obviously was a gift she had left behind for the Retail Slaves. 

As far as I know Jason nor his coworkers actually risked their lives and used the Bad Energy Buster, but hopefully it wasn't some kind of poison and left with good custy intentions!

 

Piggy Leaves Leftovers

...most likely blaming the abs and muscles.

Sent in from Jason (RHU's Jason - yes we have not heard from him in a long time because his Retail Hell has completely engulfed his ass!)

Shopping Cart Suicide

When there's a choice between jumping and going back to the lot.

--From Jason

Jason Rants About Unholy Museum Custy

Working on holidays SUCK even when the day falls on a religious one, but...JESUS,GOD and the HOLY SPIRIT ain't gonna pay the rent and your bills.

CRUCIFIXION is almost certain if you walk out on your job. (without a GOOD excuse! )

In response to this "ass-hat" SINLESS Museum custy (below), tell her that DIVINE INTERVENTION / MIRACLES ...MUST TAKE PLACE for you to go home .....BLESSED!

Here are a few more suggestions:

1.  ".....a MONEY TREE must spring from your ass lady....100 dollar bills ..please!  ...and you can keep the "CROWN  OF THORNS."

2.  "....That skeleton of the T- REX will MIRACULOUSLY come to life and EAT you up....
 ....your bloody mess along with customers vomiting will give me a fast escape!......ANGELS DO EXIST."

3.  "......standing close to the "HOT" museum lights will turn your "PRICKLY" Bush into the BIBLICAL "BURNING BUSH" ..... a DIVINE, HEAVENLY sign telling me to go home early!"

4. "......all of the  whines, bitching and moaning  spitting out from that SERPENT mouth of yours is PRESERVED in the museums "NEW" Wax Display."

 .......all that yapping will TURN INTO employee clapping! ...There is a GOD!

p.s.  Forget about taking EASTER OFF. HELL NO!!! This SUNDAY CELEBRATION is going to be PURE enjoyment. 

Watching this Bitch..."GETTING NAILED" and the OVER-TIME PAY for me is a TRUE MIRACLE.    .....Thank You Mr. ALMIGHTY ONE!


--JASON of the Underground

What Jason Wants For X-mas

Dear RHU Santa (You obnoxious fat elf!),

I revised my X-MAS list from last year HOPING that I will GET EVERYTHING on it this time around! I have been a very good Retail Slave.

DON'T YOU DARE LEAVE ME...lumps of your white pubes in my stocking...and PLEASE CLEAN UP THE REINDEER SHIT that your "ROADKILL" companions leave on my kitchen floor every year!!!

This is what I want Santa and you better not disappoint:

1.)THERAFLU AND WHISKEY...Hey, I'm an INSOMNIAC LIKE YOU! Retail Hell is killing me. A 3 YEAR COMA would do my body good....Hey CLAUS...if you have any magic Christmas dust to snort, I will take that instead!

2). A year supply of GIFT CERTIFICATES to my favorite celebrity AA MEETINGS and ANGER RETAIL MANAGEMENT CLASSES. A few SPA days at Spearmint Rhino wouldn't hurt either.

3). A FLAME THROWER AND MISSILE LAUNCHER...Somebody has to take out the speakers playing that shitty Christmas music and the crappy IN-STORE Christmas trees and decorations.

4). A Rubber Ducky...DON'T ASK.

5). A SNOWBALL-SHOOTING MACHINE GUN that can take out pissy Managers, bitchy customers and Sharky Sale-Stealin Co-workers. Hell Yeah! Fire up those ice balls!

6). An I-PHONE WITH A FOREIGN DICTIONARY (OF SLANG)...I want to broaden my cultural insults by saying "Kiss my Retail Hell Ass" in 28 different languages. Sure fire get-me-laid pick-up lines would be nice too.

7). NUMB-CHUCKS...to take out customers who ask STUPID FUCKING QUESTIONS! Here's your answer biatch!

8.) BOX OF CONDOMS...with bells and whistles!...Tis the season...RELIEVE HOLIDAY RETAIL HELL STRESS (Not like I'll be able to use them).

9.) REMOTE CONTROL UFO...So I can hover it over STORE MANAGER'S HOUSES late at night and watch them SCREAM LIKE BABIES! If I'm really pissed off at the stock duties they made me do that day, I'd like my UFO equipped with lasers to crash through their windows and vaporize their genitals.

AND LAST BUT CERTAINLY NOT LEAST...

10). SAMANTHA CLAUS (your SMOKIN-HOT daughter)...she must get VERY BORED living all alone up AT THE NORTH POLE...I have a CANDY-CANE she can lick! Slaving away in Retail Hell gets very lonely this time of year.

P.S. SANTA IF YOU DON'T LEAVE ME WHAT I WANT...I'M GOING TO PEE IN YOUR GLASS OF MILK...AND PUT EXLAX IN YOUR SUGAR COOKIES!!!!!

P.S.S. ...HO...HO...HOE MRS. CLAUS (You MILF! You know you want me!

With all sincerity,

The VERY NICE and NEVER NAUGHTY,

JASON...of Retail Hell Underground...

MERRY FREAKIN CHRISTMAS AND HAVE A HAP-HAP CRAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Write a letter to RHU Santa and tell him what you want! He's waiting to here from you Slaves! submit@retailhellunderground.com

Shopping Cart Wins

Poor Jason. Flesh is no match for steel.

It's like fighting Terminator on wheels.

And one of those wheels is dangerously close...

   

Shopping Carts Pull A Big Ass Train

Hey Freddy.....Jason took a picture of a SHIT-LOAD of CARTS that tried 'very hard' to make their ESCAPE..... BUT were RE-CAPTURED BY THE GROCERY STORE GESTAPO!

  Jason WAS HIDING with his camera in the bushes.....Jason barely made it out ALIVE!

Retail Hell and WOTs

Hi Retail Slaves...Jason here.  Every now and then...I will be releasing my FLATULENT thoughts here on the Underground - they will be on putrid, stinky, gagging subjects pertaining to the experiences I've suffered through in my LONG YEARS of Retail HELL!

Releasing pent up rotten air from your body that could kill all life forms within a 20 foot radius is HIGHLY RECOMMENDED BY DOCTORS! Especially if your noxious butt-dusting thought is attached to it. FIRE IN THE HOLE!

My ass blaster thought for Today: WOT

Some of you are probably asking what the F#@* is a WOT? Is that a candy gum drop? A new reality show about white teenagers on the Hawaiian island of Oahu? Is it a new constipation medication. Or maybe WOT is texting for Woman On Top or Want Orgasm Tonight...   No, no, no, no, Retail Slaves, WOT is none of that. 

WOT stands for...  WASTE OF TIME!  And in Retail Hell, WOT'S are everywhere...ready to waist your good customer service intentions like a fly feasting on dog shit!

WOT's are those Customer bitches who comes into your store and act like they are as rich as Bill Gates and Oprah and they put on this Broadway show about how excited they are to buy everything. Then after hours of bloodsucking your energy, they don't buy ONE DAMN THING! 

I'm a sales associate on commission at my Retail Hell store. and I will spend 20 minutes to an hour explaining the product - from head to asshole, fondling it like a horny teenage, modeling it like a slut, taking them on a tour of the whole f-ing store - I do my selling job! I find my Custys what they need!

I hate it when WOT's get all excited and pretend to be very, very, very interested, flirting and laughing, asking 500 questions and acting like they want to have my babies. Yes, yes, yes, they say, I'll take it! I'll take everything!

Then they crack their twenty foot whip and have me gather up everything for them and haul it to the counter to be rung up. After stuffing the shopping cart with my BLOOD, SWEAT and TEARS....I send them on their merry way....with my personal BUSINESS CARD and a LARGE COMMISSION SMILE.... I put in the HARD WORK...THE TIME. I SHOULD REAP THE REWARD!!!! CHA---CHING!

But fuck no...15-20 Minutes Later....

I get a call from the checkout. The WOT bitch decides to pass on everything I pulled out of my ass. And to top it off....later, I'm going to the bathroom to take a piss and what do I find on the floor.....my motherfucking BUSINESS CARD!

WOT Bitch!

 END RESULT on being raped by a WOT:

* You passed on a lot of other customers for the risky...BIG SALE! (your co-workers rocked!!!)

* The TIME YOU SPENT was a waste to the company, your ENERGY,  your sanity, AND YOUR PAYCHECK!

* YOU are labeled going forward  in your Dept. (and maybe your store) as a  Sales Associate  FOOL who can't sell shit and get's written up with warnings!

* This incident can more than likely.....COST YOU "YOUR JOB" (Unfriendly chat with your manager or boss) - OR- a bad case of  FARTING WOT- A- RAMA  CRAMPING !

I encourage you Retail Fans and Bloggers to leave your own INTESTINAL comments about your own poop shooter subjects...If any of you are feeling those symptoms of PRESSURE, BLOATING and DISCOMFORT known as GAS...Be like JASON and FART them off your MIND right here! Give me something to TOOT about. FIRE IN THE HOLE!

**HAS A WOT EVER CRAWLED UP YOUR HOLE and left a farting gift? **

Happy Mother's Day - Jason Style

Not your typical Mother's Day post - but then again, Jason is not your typical son. When he falls in love, it's for keeps and he wants his mom to know. Here's what he wrote to her for Mother's Day:

Mom, I've met a new girl and her name is Mandy. She is the woman of my dreams...

....we didn't meet in church but I'm pretty sure she is Catholic.

.....Mandy is always there when I need her, never faltering.

..... And we have so much in common!!!  Like staring off into space and looking good 24/7.

.....she makes gobs of money looking hot and standing. Maybe I'll be able to quit my job!

.....Mandy doesn't talk much... Mmmm. ....perfect during football season.

.....When I was a kid, you would give me enemas and clean my dirty bottom. ....Mandy said she would have no problem doing that for me. What a way to show you love someone!

.....Mandy is ITALIAN!

.....the girl is a mean cook -"wedding soup" and "homemade meatloaf with secret sauce" her specialty. My bony stomach is growling.

.....She's a LEO! Raawwwrrr.

.....Mandy is inspirational and overcomes her disability of not being able to move her arms or legs, by letting me take them off! I like INTIMACY!

 .....it's been only 2 days and our relationship is sizzling!

Mom, you will be so happy for me.

        Mandy is shy. She loves smiling at me.She never argues and I'm guessing that she thinks and believes that " I am always right"....I happen to agree with her.

        She loves to hold my clothes,coat, baseball caps along with my favorite PORNO MAGAZINES and DVD's. She"never complains".  SHE is PERFECT. I think she is a KEEPER!

      Mommy 'Scully' Dearest....I just want to say, "THANK YOU" for beating me into submission over the years with your wire hangers and your good O'L FASHIONED VALUES. Your electric shock "BRAINWASHING" techniques have finally paid off ....BIG TIME!

    Mandy is incredible. She also has a killer body. BEDTIME BONER for Jason all the time. She never,ever eats( all the food for Jason) and she never gains weight. She must have a tapeworm up there. Regardless, she's a PERFECT CATCH!

    Mandy is also loaded...with money that is. When I went to peak down her panties at the mall all I saw was green!  50's and 100 dollar bills!!!!!!  She is such a trickster! Ha. Ha.!

    I am sending you some of this CASH-OLA to enjoy. I don't think Mandy minds. I asked her. She is all smiles,smiles,smiles!

   Anyway, if we date long enough and decide to get married....YOU and Scully DAD are both invited.  The wedding would be in a department store.....in the WOMEN LINGERIE section where we first met!..Bring a feather duster for Mandy. She's a dirty girl.

                Happy MOTHER'S DAY, Your Grateful, HELLION Son.......JASON

P.s.  Oh yeah....almost forgot....you will be thrilled to know that your desire of becoming a grandmother will be fulfilled. Mandy totally wants babies.

Jason's Bipolar Rant To Santa

 

Dear, SANTA

 This is JaSoN,here..........from RETAIL HELL!

 

       Well, another holiday has passed me by and still NO PRESENTS for.....poor Bi-pOLaR JaSoN!    I know that we are in a recession but........... WTF...Mr.CLAUS!!!!!

 

       I try my damnest every year...to be NICE....and this is HOW yOU REWARD Me!

 

      NO Gifts....NO MEDS.....SHIT!!! ......I would of settled for a lump of CoAL or government CHEESE!

 

      Your North Pole LIES......CANNOT FOOL weasel-sleezy JaSoN!

 

      I look for Reindeer droppings on my floor and my chocolate-chip TURD-TASTEN cookies are NEVER EATEN!  ......YOU CROSS-EYED ELF....YOU NEVER SHOW UP!!

 

     I even attempt to light a fire so when you come down my chimney 'WITH CARE'...your fat JOLLY ASS will get BURNT!     .....I'M a JOKESTER SANTA! .......I'M not BAD...just NAUGHTY!

 

    As sugarplum fairies dance in little children's heads. These  NYMPHO-FAIRIES want to give WILD-BOY JaSon H**D! ....I don't mean to use bad language , MR.DICK.....OOPS!! ..I mean GOOD'OL' BOY...SAINT NICK......but this is what "TURNS ON" these SUGARPLUMS as I SPANK their ASS!!!!    ....I know what your thinking Santa!  ...DON'T PLAY InNOCENT with Me!  ......Every year, you are snowed in that little RED-NECK SHACK in the N.POLE with those ROOT''iN, TOOT''IN ELVES make"in TOYS!!!  ...KiNKy!!!!!    ...Don't Worry. I won't tell MRS.CLAUS!  I'm sure her BELLS-N-HOLLY VIBRATORS work "Just Fine".

 

  Well, GANDOLPH.....GoTTA GO!    NEXT YEAR..."KRINGLE"....A word of CAUTION. When you look into your Magic Crystal BaLLS (if you can find them....ask your elves!) to see who is NAUGHTY or NICE...don't be surprised if NUT-CRACKER CAROLANNE'S middle finger appears......and shoves it way up YOUR CHIMNEY....WITHOUT CARE!

 

   ....And JaSoN 'the BI-PoLaR' GRINCH.....will appear in MrS. CLauses bedroom ....ALL BARE!!!!!!!!!!

 

     Kiss RUDOLPH'S MISSLETOE....and SUCK FROSTY'S FROZEN BALLS.....you BIG-BELLYED BUM!!!!!!!!!

 

    P.S. ......Just kidding, SANTA!

 

   P.S.S.   ....I almost forgot!  ....Tell YOUR SMOKE''IN HOT DAUGHTER that I miss her on these FESTIVE HOLIDAYS!  Let her know that this year we will be ROLE-PLAYING and "JACK-OFF" JaSoN is dressing up as the LITTLE DRUMMER BOY!

 

      .......HEY, OLD MAN....JaSon'S gotta get his GIFT from somewhere!

 

 

            YOU'r MeDiCaTEd ....'soon-to-be SON -IN-LAW.....JaSoN.  HOe...HoE...HOE!!!!!!

Jason's Bipolar Retail Hell Dream Comeback Lines

Hey Retail Slavers!

JaSoN of the UnDERgRounD here for your RETAIL HELL pissing PLEASURE! THOUGHT I'D SHARE some of mY DREAM CUMBACKS...ER...I mean COMEBACKS  TO hideously ANNOYING CUSOTMER questions. These are the COMEBACKS we SLAVES DREAM of saying.

Here are some " THOUGHTLESS", "ASS-A-NINE "  QUESTIONS that your beloved retail customers have probably asked you countless times ..... AGAIN and AGAIN !!!!!!! I included a response that YOU ReTaiL SLaVeS ....'CAN USE'...IN THE DREAM STATE THAT IS... letting the Retail Retards know 'what a DUMB-ASS  we really know they are! Let us Begin, kids........Professor DREAM CATCHER JaSoN says........... Class is in SessioN...lets ASSTRAL PROJECT inTO the CLOUDS!

Jason's DREAM Comeback #1

When a customer leaves the door open.

YOU:  ....(YELL)....OINK...OINK...YES I'M talking to you DONKEY FACE.... MR. ED'S WIFE...This aint the fuckin ZOO...then ....(Scream and Shout)....DO YOU LIVE IN A FUCKING  BUILD A BEAR BARN!!!!!

 

Jason's DREAM Comeback #2

When annoying customer calls the store.

Customer calls ....  asks for directions to store ...and/or...... What is the Stores Name?      

 

YOU:    .....  PAUSE on Phone, then say....... RETARD HOTLINE...Can I HELP YOU?"  or ....."This number has been disconnected....Please HANG UP and try back again NEVER!    Also, say......" LazY-ASS, This ain't ON START FUCKIN MAPQUEST!  ....Turd-Face if I was over there right now I would squeeze your head.....But I know SHIT SPLATTERS!" ....Laugh, then HANG UP!

Jason's DREAM Comeback #3

When hagglers attack.

Customer takes up your valuable time BARGAINING WITH YOU!

YOU:   LISTEN. ASSHOLE!    NO BARGAINING, NO GOATS, NO MULES,......This IS NOT a 5th world country!!!   This is the GOOD O'L U.S.of A. ....DO YOU WANT SOMETHING FOR NOTHING....OK, HERE.....(Tell them to hold out their hand and open it....pretend to drop an imaginary thing in it ...then close their hand.....and say ) ....HERE'S YOUR NOTHING DOUCHEBAG. DON'T SPEND IT ALL IN ONE PLACE  ....(Before they leave store).....By the way...HOW MUCH FOR YOUR  DAUGHTER!"

Jason's DREAM Comeback #4

When customers have no clue.

Customer plays GUESSING GAMES of what they want.

 

YOU:  ....LOOK....I am not your BOREfriend or your IMAGINARYLover.  This IS NOT  Hollywood Squares or Jeopardy OR .........I DO NOT LIKE TO PLAY VULCAN MIND GAMES! ....Just tell me what you want ...then....TIP-TOE THE FUCK OUT of  the store... OH...GREAT SWAMMY!

 

Jason's Comeback #5

Customers taking advantage of free makeup.

Cosmetic Store:  ...Customers putting on "Full Makeup" in front of Mirrors. Asking HOW MUCH is this?  HOW MUCH is that?

YOU:   LADIES..........This is not your bathroom (or your Brothel ) to make yourselves up 'LIKE HOOKERS so you can go out tonight and GET LAID!!!  ....IT'S A FUCKING RETAIL STORE!

 

  That's it for now my Retail Slavers of Hell...Until, NEXT TIME...WHEN I throw 5 more at you..For NOW.......TAKE YOUR  RETAIL MEDS, DRINK YOUR RETAIL BOOZE and say YOUR RETAIL PRAYERS .....BEFORE YOU HAVE YOUR RETAIL SEX !!!!!!!!!!

(   .....As long as you share with your 'fire and brimstone'  friend, .....JaSoN  )               

 

 

  ......NOW GO RAISE SOME ......RETAIL HELL!

Jason's Bipolar Retail Hell Rant: My Time in Hell

JASON SING'IN ...........THE 'ReTaiL' BALL-BUSTING BLUES!

TO ALL MY:..........BROTHA'S and SISTA'S...... Of ReTaiL HELL

IT has been some time since you have read JaSoNs' TRUELY -TASTELESS  ReTaiL HuMoR on RHU!......Where have I been?....you might ask!

To make an ASS-POKING RETAIL HELL story short.....Fuckhead .... FREDDY and Cunty,....CAROLANNE ......held COURT and sentenced ME....JaSoN.... to a long,TEETH-GRINDING..."TIME-OUT"  in the RETAIL PURGATORY STOCKADE!  ......Freddy stuck Carolanne's  finger UP MY ASS and told JaSoN to not come back to the RHU PLAYGROUND until I come up with some "BALLS-TO-THE WALL Retail "Rant" SHIT!  ............That's Right RHU'ers, I was 'PECKER-PUNISHED' by my two best friends!

To make matters worse, this JAIL-BIRD was given strick BULLSHIT 'ReTaiL RuLeS! NO ReTaiL HeLL MEDS....... NO ReTaiL HeLL BOOZE......NO ReTaiL HeLL DONUTS....But the worst NUT-CRUNCHING Rule of them all was..........(Long pause): Nooooooooo running around with my ReTaiL HeLL SLUTS and BITCHES!  .....WTF! Hell.........The SKULL-JURY even told poor old JaSoN that he was forbidden to even "TOUCH HIMSELF" .....DOWN THERE!!!!!!!!    Talk about being "SKULL-FUCKED"....and not in a good way,either!

Eating ReTaiL HeLL COCKROACHES and  Drinking ReTaiL HeLL TOILET WATER  in my ReTaiL HeLL  THINK TANK gave me "THE FOLSON PRISON SHITS" for 5 Days...... I knew right then and there  that JaSoN needed to get...THE FUCK OUT. OF HERE.....NOW!!!!!!!!! ...While My ASSHOLE healed .....I  talked to  my ' PeT RAT' FRIEND (MyRoN)).... about my situation!     ....We BoTh agreed  that I needed to be  INSPIRED......  then  STIMULATED!  .....

 

Sitting on my 'JAIL HOUSE ROCK 'THRONE...(aka: Toilet/Shitter) and reading PLAYBOY SKULL .issue #128 ..... I, JaSoN.... pondered my Next' Killer' ReTail HeLL Assignment.  ...Covering my skull orbits with Toilet Paper and listening to JOHNNY CASH 'PRISON' BREAK-OUT SONGS, My "creative juices" started flowing and running down my leg.  I knew I had to "act fast'....So not to miss a beat....... I Stuck my BONEY-BOLOGNA in a LIGHT SOCKET nearby  to stimulate my SicK, TwiSTed....Bi-POLAR miND!  .............  And Guess What Happened Next!

Well..........ReTaiL HeLL'eRs , I am happy to say that after that GRAB MY ANKLES AND BEND JaSoN OVER "ALCATRAZ" EXPERIENCE  .... I AM FREE again to SPREAD MY _______! .....  So... Here is what JASON "the Truely Tastless," came up with....

Here are some " THOUGHTLESS", "ASS-A-NINE "  QUESTIONS  that your beloved retail customers have probably asked  you countless times.......AGAIN  and AGAIN !!!!!!!

I'm calling them JaSoN's ReTAil hell WiSDoMS. They will be in several hellacious parts cause I can't fit them all here. Freddy would shit pink bunnies. I included a response that YOU ReTaiL SLaVeS ....'CAN USE'... letting the Retail Retards know 'what a DUMB-ASS  we really know they are! Pay attention - listen or become jailhouse bait:

Wisdom #1:

Helping customers.   

YOU:   CAN I HELP YOU?

CUSTOMER:  ( Ignores you then gives you attitude by saying)   NO!!!!!!!   NOT NOW!

 

YOU :  That's GReeeeEEEEEEEEAT !  I did not want to wait on your MOO-MOO

ASS,anyway.....'Old McDonalds Farm is 'Next DooR'....I believe there ringing the COW-BELL! .....YOU better HURRY!

Wisdom #2:

Customers are bumping into you, constantly.

RESPONSE:  Hey,what do I look like......A FucKIN' Pinball Machine!!!!!!

 

Wisdom #3

Customers not buying anything.

SaY TO customer :  Well. Just don't stand there 'Picking your ASS and eating Boogers'..........BUY SOMETHING!!!!!

Wisdom #4

Customers wanting what you are out of.

CUSTOMER: I don't care if you are out of it. I WANT IT. So GET IT FOR ME!

 

YOU: READ MY LIPS.... I am not GANDOLF the WIZARD or DAVID 'FUCKING' COPPERFIELD the MAGICIAN!  ......I CAN'T magically pull products out of my ass or make them MATERIALIZE in front of you....EVEN IF I USE ...THE SECRET! On the Other hand ....Tell ya what..... Let Me Shove These SALE PRODUCTS UP YOUR ASS!

 

Wisdom #5

Customers who talk too much.

CUSTOMER: WELL....This Happened to Me...and....This Happened...BLAH.BLAH.

YOU: ........STOP!!!!!!! DO NOT TELL ME "YOUR LIFE STORY!...Your DRAMA Syndrome, etc.  ....I DO NOT have a degree in PSYCHIATRY. However, I do have a DIPLOMA ' in  BULLSHIT.  .....Stay RIGHT HERE. Let me get you a SHOVEL!

 

Wisdom #6

Customer commenting on your REtail Hell prison sentence.

CUSTOMER: WOW!....You 've been here a long time. .... HOW LONG?

 

YOU:  Well....LET'S SEE (pause) .....Between my ANGER MANAGEMENT CLASSES......MY RAPE CONVICTIONS and MURDER CHARGES against 'SHIT-FOR-BRAINS - NOSEY CUSTOMERS......I would say...........LONG ENOUGH!

Well, gotta get back to ReTAiL PRISON. I'm busy making license plates for FREDDY and CAROLANNE to Hang on their "PRIVATE PARTS" and  my BITCH SLAVE DRIVER....."BIG BUBBA" is getting RESTLESS!

        Talk To ya ConViCts and PSYCHO-PaThs.....LATER!!!!!!!!!   

P.s.   ....MyRoN "The RaT" is doing GREAT...He was let go, given free (government)

CHEESE and is running around HAPPYand HORNEY  in ReTaiL HeLLs Underground....Sewers!

Bad Retail Moon Rising

I know.....I KNOW. ....what every one of you retail SLUTS, WHORES, WENCHES and DICKSICLES are thinking. ...JaSoN's FLIPPED HIS FUCKIN' LID, AGAIN ! ...He's off his HEAVY MEDS....trippin' out......writing a Halloween Blog when it's FUCKING SPRING!!!!!

...I PROMISE (Boy Scouts Honor),from the BOTTOM of My BALL-SAC that JaSoN and his meds are just FINE!  ..........and I am not Drinking or heavily INTOXICATED......Not Just Yet,..Anyway!

.....But , "AFTER SURVIVING" my own personal CREEP-A-ZOID RETAIL TRAUMA during last week's FULL FUCKIN MOON......It's a wonder my SKULL PENIS hasn't been ripped off my skeletal body and shoved up Carolanne's Ass!

...Now, I'm not a Retail Slave who dabbles in all that OCCULT CRAP or believes in SUPERNATURAL SHIT....But after that "TWILIGHT ZONE DAY", I might just shave off MY ASS HAIR ..Buy an Armani Robe....and EXPOSE MY PHALLIC WOUNDS while preaching  on some nearby Hollywood street corner that........."RETAIL WEREWOLVES" ...DO EXIST....And BITE...FUCKING HARD,TOO!

   ..... This EDGAR ALLEN POE-PECKER Tale began like this:....It's a tranquil day inside JaSoN's mind........Birds are chirping....Hottie girls are massaging spf15 suntanning lotion on his skull head...... (INTERRUPTION... Hey, JASON 'DAYDREAMER!!!!!! Get to FuCKING WORK!!.....stock those shelves,ASSWIPE! )

WTF......Back to Retail Reality!! ......Before I can come to my senses AND RETALIATE...

I noticed outside our store....The sky was gloomy and grey.....all of a sudden 3 women dressed like TRANSYLVANIA-CARNIVAL HOOKER GYPSIES enter.

......(Thought to myself: OK....Jason..Stay COOL!....put on a Happy Face and sell, SeLL, SELL...to THEM!  .....My mothers voice: KINDNESS!! .....Don't JUDGE THEM!)

.....BULLSHIT!!!!!!.......That's when THIS FRIGHTMARE  STARTED!!!!

....JaSoN approaches 1st Lady.

  1st Lady (with Long, RED FINGERNAILS and STRINGY UNWASHED BROWN CURLY HAIR) .......JaSoN thinking......How does she hold toilet paper and wipe her VAJAYJAY with those NAILS......that must HURT.

....JaSoN: Can I help You! ...(friendly smile)

..1st Lady: ...... Does it look like I NEED HELP?....Waving HER CLAWS in my face and almost slicing MY NOSE OFF!

...JaSoN: Well,I just thought...(Rudely Interrupted by her)

..1st Lady:......I don't GIVE A DAMN....WHAT  U  THINK! ....If I NEED HELP,....I will FIND YOU!  ....(With a Smirk and Attitude...SHE SNARLS at me showing her CANINE TEETH.)

......JaSoN keeping his FONZIE COOL....walks away sloooowly...not to startle the SAVAGE BEAST!

......As I round the corner to meet the other 2 women.....I catch them pawing at a bunch of cheap ass cosmetics, knocking stuff on the floor, tossing packages on shelves, opening backstock drawers...THEY STOP!....Shift their eyes at me.....AND STARE!    .....For a moment, I felt a chill run down my spine....AS IF I was a PORKCHOP SURROUNDED by a HUNGRY PACK OF WOLVES!    .......One Lady had GREEN EYES and the other had GREY.   .............I SWEAR...Before I could open my mouth to offer any service to them.....The GREEEN EYED LADY'S EYES changed to WOLF YELLOW!!!!! .... LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD might have LOVED TO BE EATEN  by the BIG, BAD WOLF!.......But NOT JaSoN'S ASS! .....FUCK FAIRYTALES!!!!

...JaSoN: ....Can I Help You! ....(interrupted by GREY EYES )

...Grey Eyes: .....HELL NO!

...Green (Yellow) Eyed Lady:  ....Still STARING.....(SILENCE)

...JaSoN...(CREEPED OUT and GETTING PISSED) : thought:.....This is TRIPPY....THAT'S IT!...........Enough of THIS SHIT!!!! .......I STARED BACK AT THEM.....with my own KILL BILL SKULL-FUCKING LOOK and JACK NICHOLSON .....SHIT-EATING GRIN ! And then I BOLTED to the other side of the store!

.......Possibly, wigged out by my aggressive Customer Service skills.....I watched The LADY-PACK join the other WOLFWOMAN at the front of the store.

.....All 3 of them came together, and it was as if they knew I was watching from behind a Charmin display...because they all three shot me ANOTHER CREEPY ASS STARE ...the kind of STARE that a dog has before he attacks a steak ....then they GROWLED and stormed out the door! I went back to the aisle they caused so much destruction in and saw SHREDDED packages of MAKEUP all over the floor..huge fuckin WEREWOLF MESS!! Then I SAW they had CLEANED OUT a backstock drawer full of NAIL POLISH!!

The THREE WERE-SHOPPERS had stollen close to 50 bottles! What were they going to do? Paint their claws?

A fellow Retail Slave came up beside ME: ....JAWED dropped (SPEECHLESS)

JaSoN: .....WTF ...BITCHES ripped us OFF!...WEIRD SHIT...

Retail Slave: You Know....It's a FULL MOON.

JaSoN looks to the mess the WEREWOMEN made. Then back to the Slave.  ....Scratches his SKULL HEAD and says:........REALLY.......NO SHIT. SHERLOCK! FUCK ME WITH A DOGGY BONE! I feel like taking ALL my CLOTHES off, LICKING my BALLS and HOWLING at The FULL MOON! Maybe I'll GROW SOME more HAIR and FANGS and razor sharp CLAWS and then I'LL HUNT DOWN THOSE WERE-BITCHES and MAKE them EAT EVERY GODDAMN FUCKIN BOTTLE OF NAIL POLISH THEY STOLE!

      In closing this RANT......MY ADVICE TO YOU RETAIL WARRIORS is this:...Next time you find yourselves working the LATE SHIFTS and/or during A FULL MOON....bring along RETAIL SILVER BULLETS....AN ATTITUDE......and last but not least your BRITNEY SPEARS  MEDS. ..........I KNOW I ALREADY HAVE MINE!

      Til next Time, RHU TROOPERS.....Keep Your RETAIL TITS AND ASSES BURNING!

             RhU...JaSon....StILL CrAzY and NuTS!

Post Easter Pain-In-the-Jelly Bean-Ass Rant!

Well Retail Hell Boyz and Girlz.....

It's that special time again where JaSon is let loose to ‘GO OFFFFFFF on another STUUUUUPID Retail Rant!!!!!!!!!

And what's this? Another godforsaken holiday has reeked freakin hell-fire and bitch-stone on my sorry little retail life ass!

BUNNIES!!!...CHICKS!!!....LAMBS!!

Let's fire up the grill kidz!

EASTER…..SMEASTER…….BEAT MY MEASTER!!!!!!

Eat my shorts you spring sasquatch!  AaAaAaRrRGH!!!

A week ago today, I was pumping green beer through my weary retail bloodstream in the hopes of a female Leperchaun jumping my bones and saving my ass from the hell hole known as retail...I would have begged her to send me to a topless beach on the French Riviera...THIS DID NOT HAPPEN!!!!! Where are those leper-bitches and four leaf clover dreams when you need them?

Still suffering from that MASSIVE Patty's Day hangover……green vomit all over my bathroom...like Ghostbusters Slime....I went to work and was ordered by my dickwad manager to stock and clean Seasonal for the entire next week!!!!!!

I said ARE YOU FUCKIN KIDDING ME?!?!?!?! NOT THE EASTER SHIT! Don't make me do the Easter  Shit mama! Pleeeeeez! I'll do carts for a month! Anything! I'll Fuck a goddamn Palmer Bunny.

He said he wasn't kidding and that my assignment. I would have quit but I'm too lazy to look for a new crappy Retail Helllllllll Job. Fuckers.

So....for the last week...I have been stockIn these fuckin shelves with steroid-induced, chemical-ladden chocolate bunnies weighing 50 POUNDS.......damn baskets giving me splinters.... stuffed animals falling all over the place giving me nightmares.....Bags and bags of candy making me hungry and sick at the same time....plastic eggs rolling all over the place....I felt like trampling them into a million pieces. Bonnets and cutesy bunny bonbons make me want to drink PAAS Easter eggy DYE........AND scream Mary had a fuckin little fleece lamb and I'm going to rip its head off!!!!!!  Humpty horseshit  Dumpty just fell off the wall folks! He's headed for the trauma center.

Every day it got worse. More candy. More baskets. More plush pussy bunnies. More huge PIGGY SHOPPER messes for me to clean up. Candy and broken toys everywhere! I am the fuckin Easter Bunny's manservant MAID. Fuck YOU....MR. BIG EARS!...CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW you filthy rodent!

EeeeekSTER krept up on me like a fuckin Jelly Belly street mugger....I been Cadbury WHIPPED!!!!!....Beat over the head with a rabbit candle......Knifed in the back by a foil-covered Peter Cotton Tail....Kicked in my robin-egg balls....SHIT.....WTF folks! I never even recovered from daylight savings timet he week before...I WANT my hour of sleep back you BASTARDS!!!

EeeeekSTEr...That beautiful creep holiday....it lures in America's finest DYSFUNCTIONALtrashy  FAMILIES….to roam the store's aisles at free will, destroy everything and ripping open bags of candy that they eat!!!!....Without paying for it!

Come to the candy trough on aisle 16 you dirty fuckin swine!....next year I am going to have special open bags for thos Candy Trough Pigs and it will be JaSoN's Special Recipe: Flaxseed Oil + X-LAX …..Oh Yeah little piggies..Who's your Easter Bunny Bitch NOW!!!

On Saturday I had to mop up chocolate stains smeared all of the fuckin floors. WtF? I thought it was shit at first. It looked like shit. Luckily, it did not smell like shit! Some snot-nosed little rug-rat had ripped open one of the 50 Pound chocolate Bunnies and used it as a magic marker all over my fuckin store's aisles!!!! And it HAD to me in MY assigned section! What a little douchy Brat Bitch!!!

The messes were so bad I just gave up cleaning and let the Easter Pigs wallow in their dirty farmyard Retail Hell. No use in making the place look nice and shoppable! They threw cards, plastic eggs, grass, candy, and baskets EVERYWHERE!!!

One woman came up to me with a smashed box of yellow Peeps and said, "I NEED more yellow PEEPS! Where are the rest of the yellow peeps!"

I told her they had all been killed in the line of duty by piggy customers just like her!. Boy was she every pissed! It MADE my DAY!!! Happy Easter you fat chicky-ass!

Today it's POST Easter Clean Up! The place looks like 10 Retail SALE tornandos hit....open bags of candy everywhere, smashed candy, broken shit, piles of mixed shit from different departments all over the store....

And JaSoN gets to clean it all up.

Look, I'm no professor Darwin or scientist, but where the HELL does a RAVENOUS MUTATED RABBIT get off claiming to deliver eggs and candy to people's houses?

I believe in PLATAPUSSES……NOT giant walking, talking, hopping bunnies handing out ‘BIG BALL-SAC COLORED EGGS!!!!!!!!! Some “IDIOT” had to be smokin some waky-weed to come up with this ROMPER ROOM sHit!!!!!!!!!!

DOWN the rabbit HOLE…..MY ASS, little Alice! Take another HIT of acid blondie!

These back to back holidays are KILLING ME…..and my stockroom sex life! 

It wasn't Heff's PLAYBOY BUNNY, I GOT for Easter…..No HoT Girlz Next Door for me...Instead I get clean up  the aftermath of  the  Porky Easter Parade...I'm so  DAMN  SICK OF IT!!  Why can't  PEOPLE  pick what they want, drop it in their basket,  go buy it and  THEN LEAVE!!!

…….Rabbit HUMP DAYS = JaSoN CHUMP DAYS

......What is up Doc?

......Bite JaSoN's ten inch carrot you fluffy bitch.

…..Where is my beebee GUN..Dammmmmm IT!!!

....Rabbit stew anyone?

Time for JaSoN to increase is springtime meds!....and to lay my own damn eggs! Can you smell them? Take it all in! FIRE IN THE HOLE KIDS!!! 

Later Slaves...

See you all in hell,

JaSoN

Cupid or Stupid?

....for the last month I've been stocking and straightening these freakin shelves full of bloody velvet-shaped hearts, creepy cuddling things with scary eyes, and lovey-dovey cards that make be want to barf...all of it rEALLY tICKS mE oFF!...triggers my sCHIZOID-dEPRESSION!!!

...wONKA bARS, snoz-bERRIES!...tWIX AND tWIZZLERS coming out of MY aSS...cORN sYRUP diarreaha... oVERPRICED chocolates that taste... like sweetened sewer tOBBACO...lace covered heart boxes filled with cream, pUSS, or various 'oTHER pOISONS' that can't be too good for your cLOGGED aRTERIES rEADY tO EXPLODE!! wILLIE wONKA "can BITE" my vANILLA wAFER!!

fLOWERS...cHOCOLATE...wHO tHE fUCK dIED?!?

....iT's "tHAT sPECIAL dAY" that the Commercial Sales Industry likes to shove down every couple's throat!....eSPECIALLY the mENz!!!...to bUY their hONEY...A gIFT/S...be mEASURED or sCRUTINIZED by the amount or sIZE of the gIFT (pENIS size does not count, here men)....and be left to feel like a 'wINNER in lOVE' or a "bOOZER lOOSER"...in love if you don't qualify! WHATEVER! vD dAY! YOU sUCK!...WELL, adult cHILDREN...hOMEY 'The Clown' doesn't pLAY THIS gAME...AND....neither does jASON X!

....vALENTINES dAY!...tALK about an arrow shot through your fuckin heart...or as in rETAIL mALE sLAVE...STRAIGHT through your damn bALL-sACK!!!...OUCH! MOMMIEE!!!

....This is the most oVER-rATED cELEBRATED dAY that I can think of! I'd much rather put all my time and monies into tALK lIKE a pIRATE dAY! Why are there no cards and candy for THAT!....aaaAAARGGH!!.....why isn't there a rETAIL sLAVE dAY?...UNFAIR bASTARDS!! We shouldn't we all get the dAY off. Grandparents and secretaries get a dAY! WHY nOT US?!

...and there's this stupid fat little fuck the world Has come to call cUPID!!! WTF?!!!...WHO is the fREAK anyway?!!!...would you place your lovelife in the hands of a wHINEY bABY with tINY lITTLE dRAGON wINGS flapping nervously around while he stares at you with a pERVERTED sMILE, wearing a dIAPER fULL of sHIT AND pISS!!...HELLLLLLLL NO!!!

...this sUPERNATURAL "lITTLE bASTARD" supposedly carries a bogus bow and endless aRMOR pIERCING aRROWS full of lovejuice...ready to shoot through your fucking hEART or in case he misses...iN yOUR aSS!!..whether you WANT to be 'iN lOVE' or NOT!..I don't know about you rETAIL sLAVES..but I'm so fucking tired of being SHOT at in my gHETTO sTORE, let alone by...an uNDERDEVELOPED fETUS that looks like a cross between yODA and mADAME bUTTERFLY!!!

...sOMEBODY...PLEASE!!!...stick a bIG fAT nIPPLE in this freaky fAIRY'S mOUTH and fILL hIM WITH..cRACK-tOSE!!!...Then grab a bIG sSS CAN OF RAID and...sPRAY down the fUCKER!..tell the eVIL lITTLE bUG to bUZZ oFF and dIE!!

sHIT!!!!!! All because of him The Retail Line is filling up with pISSY, iRRATE sEX-STARVED mALE cUSTOMERS trying to get a 'lITTLE nUGGIE' from their oLD cRABBY lADIES...HOLDING OUT!!!!! Better get back to acting like dON qUAN 'DICKHEAD' dEMARKO and take tHE tHORNS off these pOOP-cOLORED Chocolate Roses and pRICK these a-HOLES to get them mOVING out the fucking door!!!....And...Don't even get me started on all the BRATS begging their parents for 30 pound bags and boxes of cANDY! Don't they have enough sUGAR already? I can't keep them down off the fucking store shelves!

...Well My heartsick rETAIL sLAVES....I better start making my sHITTY rETAIL cLEAN-uP rOUNDS...but before I GO...I want to leave all you rETAIL sLUTS AND wHORES some of my uNDERGROUND pOETRY for this sICKLY romantic dAY!

tO THE wOMEN:

...Roses are rED

...Violets are bLUE

...eAT all the candy you want, lADIES

...You'll need to take a shitload of LAXATIVES tOO!!!

tO THE mEN:

...Candy is dANDY

...and we all know Liquor is qUICKERS

....but tonight...too much of it will kill your tESTOSTERONE-fILLED DICKERS!

tO aNYONE THAT GIVES A SHIT:

...cANDY and sPICE might give your Valentine gENITAL lICE!! WATCH OUT!

...get your sHOT of pRENUPTIAL pENICILLIN...while you still cAN!

...hAPPY cRAPPY...V-D DAY!!!

jASON of the uNDERGROUND

p.S.

I proudly recommend all these products below to make your VD more memorable:

Jason's Bipolar Retail Rant On Inventory

It is '2008'. A NEW YEAR. Time to start "FRESH"...forget about 'past fuckups' and 'customer asswipes' that I avoided like the BOOBONIC PLAGUE last year!.

Been watching "The Secret,".....trying to stay POSITIVE! YES POSITIVE! No more NEGATIVE NELLY thoughts...only POSITIVE POLLYANNA (she's way hotter and naughtier)..only good vibes..no bad vibes..only UP'S!! ...NO DOwns..wait..what's that you say? It's WHAT TIME?

INVENTORY?!!

OH HELL NO. CRAP NO. FUCK NO. I HATE INVENTORY...I'D RATHER EAT A SHIT SANDWICH...FUCKING HATE IT!...HATE IT!....BITE ME Pollyanna! C'mon Negative Nelly! Lets GET DOWN and bitchslap this Retail Hell Hole.

INVENTORY = BRAIN FREEZE

The number counting..123456789....MY SKULL HURTS...The price checking...104.99, 34.99, 67.99...MY EYES HURT...the cleaning and organizing...MY BACK HURTS...the long hours on my knees...HEY, HEY, WATCH YOURSELVES - I'M TALKING ABOUT COUNTING MERCHANDISE HERE AND NOTHING ELSE - DOESN'T MATTER -.....INVENTORY makes me HURT ALL OVER!!

...been handed this strange looking device...state-of-the-art SCANNING GUN! DOES IT KILL SEWER RATS? Nothing happened when I aimed it at my MANAGER.....BLINKING and FLASHING...ALL OVER...GLOWING RED and YELLOW...EVERYWHERE..DOES IT TALK DIRTY?...What are you wearing? ... BUTTONS with numbers AND weird WORDS all OVER....What the fuck is PROGRAFUNCALLY...must be a NEW STD....And there are BUTTONS WITH ARROWS POINTING to MY CROTCH!!...WHAT IS THIS thing? HOW the HELL' do I thread this FUCKING THING!...SHIT!! IT'S BEEPING like a MICROWAVE! It's BEEPING FASTER! FASTER than 2 RABID RABBITS humping each OTHER!! I'M GOING TO DROP IT! or SMASH IT to SHIT......STooooooOOOP. W*A*I*T!!

I know....I'll pretend the scangun went MISSING!...SHOVE this RAG TAG TOYS R'US PIECE OF SHIT up my MANAGER'S CONDESCENDING ASS! She won't even BURP!.....I could just TOSS it in the garbage can outside of Mrs. Field's Cookies in the Mall?...Are the scanguns traceable?....MAYBE I'll just sell it to some CUSTOMER'S BRATTY KID for $200 bucks and tell him it's a new Nintendo game...OH GOD NO..Can't DISPOSE of Scangun...THEY WILL go back to WRITING ON PAPER with pencils...my fingers will bleed...and then I'll have to WIPE MY ASS with the INVENTORY SHEET and FLUSH....down the toilet... like in the old days...GOOD TIMES..Watching my jerk-off manager being taken away by ambulance because of a missing inventory sheet.

...WHAT'S THAT YOU SAY? You want me to untangle and count a BIG WAD OF NECKLACES? F-YOU DONALD TRUMP....I'm not your bitch apprentice. YOU WANT ME TO count HUNDREDS of GRANDMA PANTIES?....Sorry MRS. CLINTON, NOT fucking DOING IT. LET ME OFF THIS RETAIL HELL GREYHOUND. MR. BUS DRIVER, YOU MISSED MY MANSION! I WANT MY MOMMY!!!!(or all three GIRLS NEXT DOOR! I'm in LOVE with you Holly! Please let me move into the mansion, I'll be your own personal Retail Slut Slave) *@**# oh SHIT. Don't WANT TO COUNT. CAN'T COUNT. I'M HAVING AN INVENTORY MELTDOWN!

...GET ME A REAL GUN!...I need BEER. Where are MY MEDS?...BLUE PILL or RED PiLL? Liquid NITROGEN. Sniff some CRZY GLU?...NUMB2RS RAining in my BRAIN...Numb3r after fucking Num8er..IT'S MATRIX time!.. 283984371. ...ooooOOOOH.. pigeon tirds in rainbow pricetag colors.... 29.99..10.49..47.93...The EVIL Cosmetic Clowns are COMING to MAKE me COUNT lipsticks and fucking eyeliners! NOOOOOOOOOOooooooo! GOD SAVE ME from THIS RETAIL hell.

To ALL OF YOU INVENTORY RINGMASTER A-HOLES and PURVEYORS of SCANGUNS that don't KILL MANAGERS - I mean SEWER RATS - I SAY THIS....CLICK HERE

Holiday Retail Hell = Jurassic Park

To Anybody reading this : Send me a Time Travel Machine to get me the FUCK OUT OF HERE! After spending the whole day at my Job (coming in 2 hours earlier by mistake) the CORPORATE CARNOSAUR raised its scaly head,whipped its tail around and
told me to stay for "OPEN HOLIDAY HOUSE"
and........WORK IT! Being sick all day and coughing up YELLOW,PUSY MUCOUS, I replied.........OK! .....WHAT WAS I
THINKING....CHARLIE BROWN....GOOD GRIEF!
THE MONKEYS (primates) came in,STUFFED their faces with cake and cookies, GRUNTED and MOANED,BIT ME in the ass and left a mess of CRUMBS and GARBAGE behind
them!... Along with destroyed merchandise!
The fever..........THE FEVER!!!!!.....DINOSAURS....CAVE-DWELLERS......YABBA-DABBA-FUCKIN DOOO!.....BEDROCK
ON ACID.....ENOUGH of that SHITTY COUGH MEDICINE...!.....I WANT O*U*T!!!!!!!!!!!ESCAPE before they feed AGAIN!.....HOLIDAYS...STALKING....PREYING on the SICK!....CAMP CRYSTAL LAKE is a PICNIC compared to DINOTOPIA!!!!!! AAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!