Jason of the Underground reports from Halloween Hell that a psychic custy come into the store the other day. She walked around watching and observing the customers and the Halloween maddness. Eventuallly she left without any fanfare.....Later as Jason was straightening up the piggy piles of costumes he found an unfamiliar package that obviously was a gift she had left behind for the Retail Slaves.
As far as I know Jason nor his coworkers actually risked their lives and used the Bad Energy Buster, but hopefully it wasn't some kind of poison and left with good custy intentions!
I revised my X-MAS list from last year HOPING that I will GET EVERYTHING on it this time around! I have been a very good Retail Slave.
DON'T YOU DARE LEAVE ME...lumps of your white pubes in my stocking...and PLEASE CLEAN UP THE REINDEER SHIT that your "ROADKILL" companions leave on my kitchen floor every year!!!
This is what I want Santa and you better not disappoint:
1.)THERAFLU AND WHISKEY...Hey, I'm an INSOMNIAC LIKE YOU! Retail Hell is killing me. A 3 YEAR COMA would do my body good....Hey CLAUS...if you have any magic Christmas dust to snort, I will take that instead!
2). A year supply of GIFT CERTIFICATES to my favorite celebrity AA MEETINGS and ANGER RETAIL MANAGEMENT CLASSES. A few SPA days at Spearmint Rhino wouldn't hurt either.
3). A FLAME THROWER AND MISSILE LAUNCHER...Somebody has to take out the speakers playing that shitty Christmas music and the crappy IN-STORE Christmas trees and decorations.
4). A Rubber Ducky...DON'T ASK.
5). A SNOWBALL-SHOOTING MACHINE GUN that can take out pissy Managers, bitchy customers and Sharky Sale-Stealin Co-workers. Hell Yeah! Fire up those ice balls!
6). An I-PHONE WITH A FOREIGN DICTIONARY (OF SLANG)...I want to broaden my cultural insults by saying "Kiss my Retail Hell Ass" in 28 different languages. Sure fire get-me-laid pick-up lines would be nice too.
7). NUMB-CHUCKS...to take out customers who ask STUPID FUCKING QUESTIONS! Here's your answer biatch!
8.) BOX OF CONDOMS...with bells and whistles!...Tis the season...RELIEVE HOLIDAY RETAIL HELL STRESS (Not like I'll be able to use them).
9.) REMOTE CONTROL UFO...So I can hover it over STORE MANAGER'S HOUSES late at night and watch them SCREAM LIKE BABIES! If I'm really pissed off at the stock duties they made me do that day, I'd like my UFO equipped with lasers to crash through their windows and vaporize their genitals.
AND LAST BUT CERTAINLY NOT LEAST...
10). SAMANTHA CLAUS (your SMOKIN-HOT daughter)...she must get VERY BORED living all alone up AT THE NORTH POLE...I have a CANDY-CANE she can lick! Slaving away in Retail Hell gets very lonely this time of year.
P.S. SANTA IF YOU DON'T LEAVE ME WHAT I WANT...I'M GOING TO PEE IN YOUR GLASS OF MILK...AND PUT EXLAX IN YOUR SUGAR COOKIES!!!!!
P.S.S. ...HO...HO...HOE MRS. CLAUS (You MILF! You know you want me!
With all sincerity,
The VERY NICE and NEVER NAUGHTY,
JASON...of Retail Hell Underground...
MERRY FREAKIN CHRISTMAS AND HAVE A HAP-HAP CRAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
Write a letter to RHU Santa and tell him what you want! He's waiting to here from you Slaves! firstname.lastname@example.org