Retail Hell Underground

Bad Retail Moon Rising

I know.....I KNOW. ....what every one of you retail SLUTS, WHORES, WENCHES and DICKSICLES are thinking. ...JaSoN's FLIPPED HIS FUCKIN' LID, AGAIN ! ...He's off his HEAVY MEDS....trippin' out......writing a Halloween Blog when it's FUCKING SPRING!!!!!

...I PROMISE (Boy Scouts Honor),from the BOTTOM of My BALL-SAC that JaSoN and his meds are just FINE!  ..........and I am not Drinking or heavily INTOXICATED......Not Just Yet,..Anyway!

.....But , "AFTER SURVIVING" my own personal CREEP-A-ZOID RETAIL TRAUMA during last week's FULL FUCKIN MOON......It's a wonder my SKULL PENIS hasn't been ripped off my skeletal body and shoved up Carolanne's Ass!

...Now, I'm not a Retail Slave who dabbles in all that OCCULT CRAP or believes in SUPERNATURAL SHIT....But after that "TWILIGHT ZONE DAY", I might just shave off MY ASS HAIR ..Buy an Armani Robe....and EXPOSE MY PHALLIC WOUNDS while preaching  on some nearby Hollywood street corner that........."RETAIL WEREWOLVES" ...DO EXIST....And BITE...FUCKING HARD,TOO!

   ..... This EDGAR ALLEN POE-PECKER Tale began like this:....It's a tranquil day inside JaSoN's mind........Birds are chirping....Hottie girls are massaging spf15 suntanning lotion on his skull head...... (INTERRUPTION... Hey, JASON 'DAYDREAMER!!!!!! Get to FuCKING WORK!!.....stock those shelves,ASSWIPE! )

WTF......Back to Retail Reality!! ......Before I can come to my senses AND RETALIATE...

I noticed outside our store....The sky was gloomy and grey.....all of a sudden 3 women dressed like TRANSYLVANIA-CARNIVAL HOOKER GYPSIES enter.

......(Thought to myself: OK....Jason..Stay COOL!....put on a Happy Face and sell, SeLL, SELL...to THEM!  .....My mothers voice: KINDNESS!! .....Don't JUDGE THEM!)

.....BULLSHIT!!!!!!.......That's when THIS FRIGHTMARE  STARTED!!!!

....JaSoN approaches 1st Lady.

  1st Lady (with Long, RED FINGERNAILS and STRINGY UNWASHED BROWN CURLY HAIR) .......JaSoN thinking......How does she hold toilet paper and wipe her VAJAYJAY with those NAILS......that must HURT.

....JaSoN: Can I help You! ...(friendly smile)

..1st Lady: ...... Does it look like I NEED HELP?....Waving HER CLAWS in my face and almost slicing MY NOSE OFF!

...JaSoN: Well,I just thought...(Rudely Interrupted by her)

..1st Lady:......I don't GIVE A DAMN....WHAT  U  THINK! ....If I NEED HELP,....I will FIND YOU!  ....(With a Smirk and Attitude...SHE SNARLS at me showing her CANINE TEETH.)

......JaSoN keeping his FONZIE COOL....walks away sloooowly...not to startle the SAVAGE BEAST!

......As I round the corner to meet the other 2 women.....I catch them pawing at a bunch of cheap ass cosmetics, knocking stuff on the floor, tossing packages on shelves, opening backstock drawers...THEY STOP!....Shift their eyes at me.....AND STARE!    .....For a moment, I felt a chill run down my spine....AS IF I was a PORKCHOP SURROUNDED by a HUNGRY PACK OF WOLVES!    .......One Lady had GREEN EYES and the other had GREY.   .............I SWEAR...Before I could open my mouth to offer any service to them.....The GREEEN EYED LADY'S EYES changed to WOLF YELLOW!!!!! .... LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD might have LOVED TO BE EATEN  by the BIG, BAD WOLF!.......But NOT JaSoN'S ASS! .....FUCK FAIRYTALES!!!!

...JaSoN: ....Can I Help You! ....(interrupted by GREY EYES )

...Grey Eyes: .....HELL NO!

...Green (Yellow) Eyed Lady:  ....Still STARING.....(SILENCE)

...JaSoN...(CREEPED OUT and GETTING PISSED) : thought:.....This is TRIPPY....THAT'S IT!...........Enough of THIS SHIT!!!! .......I STARED BACK AT THEM.....with my own KILL BILL SKULL-FUCKING LOOK and JACK NICHOLSON .....SHIT-EATING GRIN ! And then I BOLTED to the other side of the store!

.......Possibly, wigged out by my aggressive Customer Service skills.....I watched The LADY-PACK join the other WOLFWOMAN at the front of the store.

.....All 3 of them came together, and it was as if they knew I was watching from behind a Charmin display...because they all three shot me ANOTHER CREEPY ASS STARE ...the kind of STARE that a dog has before he attacks a steak ....then they GROWLED and stormed out the door! I went back to the aisle they caused so much destruction in and saw SHREDDED packages of MAKEUP all over the floor..huge fuckin WEREWOLF MESS!! Then I SAW they had CLEANED OUT a backstock drawer full of NAIL POLISH!!

The THREE WERE-SHOPPERS had stollen close to 50 bottles! What were they going to do? Paint their claws?

A fellow Retail Slave came up beside ME: ....JAWED dropped (SPEECHLESS)

JaSoN: .....WTF ...BITCHES ripped us OFF!...WEIRD SHIT...

Retail Slave: You Know....It's a FULL MOON.

JaSoN looks to the mess the WEREWOMEN made. Then back to the Slave.  ....Scratches his SKULL HEAD and says:........REALLY.......NO SHIT. SHERLOCK! FUCK ME WITH A DOGGY BONE! I feel like taking ALL my CLOTHES off, LICKING my BALLS and HOWLING at The FULL MOON! Maybe I'll GROW SOME more HAIR and FANGS and razor sharp CLAWS and then I'LL HUNT DOWN THOSE WERE-BITCHES and MAKE them EAT EVERY GODDAMN FUCKIN BOTTLE OF NAIL POLISH THEY STOLE!

      In closing this RANT......MY ADVICE TO YOU RETAIL WARRIORS is this:...Next time you find yourselves working the LATE SHIFTS and/or during A FULL MOON....bring along RETAIL SILVER BULLETS....AN ATTITUDE......and last but not least your BRITNEY SPEARS  MEDS. ..........I KNOW I ALREADY HAVE MINE!

      Til next Time, RHU TROOPERS.....Keep Your RETAIL TITS AND ASSES BURNING!

             RhU...JaSon....StILL CrAzY and NuTS!

Post Easter Pain-In-the-Jelly Bean-Ass Rant!

Well Retail Hell Boyz and Girlz.....

It's that special time again where JaSon is let loose to ‘GO OFFFFFFF on another STUUUUUPID Retail Rant!!!!!!!!!

And what's this? Another godforsaken holiday has reeked freakin hell-fire and bitch-stone on my sorry little retail life ass!

BUNNIES!!!...CHICKS!!!....LAMBS!!

Let's fire up the grill kidz!

EASTER…..SMEASTER…….BEAT MY MEASTER!!!!!!

Eat my shorts you spring sasquatch!  AaAaAaRrRGH!!!

A week ago today, I was pumping green beer through my weary retail bloodstream in the hopes of a female Leperchaun jumping my bones and saving my ass from the hell hole known as retail...I would have begged her to send me to a topless beach on the French Riviera...THIS DID NOT HAPPEN!!!!! Where are those leper-bitches and four leaf clover dreams when you need them?

Still suffering from that MASSIVE Patty's Day hangover……green vomit all over my bathroom...like Ghostbusters Slime....I went to work and was ordered by my dickwad manager to stock and clean Seasonal for the entire next week!!!!!!

I said ARE YOU FUCKIN KIDDING ME?!?!?!?! NOT THE EASTER SHIT! Don't make me do the Easter  Shit mama! Pleeeeeez! I'll do carts for a month! Anything! I'll Fuck a goddamn Palmer Bunny.

He said he wasn't kidding and that my assignment. I would have quit but I'm too lazy to look for a new crappy Retail Helllllllll Job. Fuckers.

So....for the last week...I have been stockIn these fuckin shelves with steroid-induced, chemical-ladden chocolate bunnies weighing 50 POUNDS.......damn baskets giving me splinters.... stuffed animals falling all over the place giving me nightmares.....Bags and bags of candy making me hungry and sick at the same time....plastic eggs rolling all over the place....I felt like trampling them into a million pieces. Bonnets and cutesy bunny bonbons make me want to drink PAAS Easter eggy DYE........AND scream Mary had a fuckin little fleece lamb and I'm going to rip its head off!!!!!!  Humpty horseshit  Dumpty just fell off the wall folks! He's headed for the trauma center.

Every day it got worse. More candy. More baskets. More plush pussy bunnies. More huge PIGGY SHOPPER messes for me to clean up. Candy and broken toys everywhere! I am the fuckin Easter Bunny's manservant MAID. Fuck YOU....MR. BIG EARS!...CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW you filthy rodent!

EeeeekSTER krept up on me like a fuckin Jelly Belly street mugger....I been Cadbury WHIPPED!!!!!....Beat over the head with a rabbit candle......Knifed in the back by a foil-covered Peter Cotton Tail....Kicked in my robin-egg balls....SHIT.....WTF folks! I never even recovered from daylight savings timet he week before...I WANT my hour of sleep back you BASTARDS!!!

EeeeekSTEr...That beautiful creep holiday....it lures in America's finest DYSFUNCTIONALtrashy  FAMILIES….to roam the store's aisles at free will, destroy everything and ripping open bags of candy that they eat!!!!....Without paying for it!

Come to the candy trough on aisle 16 you dirty fuckin swine!....next year I am going to have special open bags for thos Candy Trough Pigs and it will be JaSoN's Special Recipe: Flaxseed Oil + X-LAX …..Oh Yeah little piggies..Who's your Easter Bunny Bitch NOW!!!

On Saturday I had to mop up chocolate stains smeared all of the fuckin floors. WtF? I thought it was shit at first. It looked like shit. Luckily, it did not smell like shit! Some snot-nosed little rug-rat had ripped open one of the 50 Pound chocolate Bunnies and used it as a magic marker all over my fuckin store's aisles!!!! And it HAD to me in MY assigned section! What a little douchy Brat Bitch!!!

The messes were so bad I just gave up cleaning and let the Easter Pigs wallow in their dirty farmyard Retail Hell. No use in making the place look nice and shoppable! They threw cards, plastic eggs, grass, candy, and baskets EVERYWHERE!!!

One woman came up to me with a smashed box of yellow Peeps and said, "I NEED more yellow PEEPS! Where are the rest of the yellow peeps!"

I told her they had all been killed in the line of duty by piggy customers just like her!. Boy was she every pissed! It MADE my DAY!!! Happy Easter you fat chicky-ass!

Today it's POST Easter Clean Up! The place looks like 10 Retail SALE tornandos hit....open bags of candy everywhere, smashed candy, broken shit, piles of mixed shit from different departments all over the store....

And JaSoN gets to clean it all up.

Look, I'm no professor Darwin or scientist, but where the HELL does a RAVENOUS MUTATED RABBIT get off claiming to deliver eggs and candy to people's houses?

I believe in PLATAPUSSES……NOT giant walking, talking, hopping bunnies handing out ‘BIG BALL-SAC COLORED EGGS!!!!!!!!! Some “IDIOT” had to be smokin some waky-weed to come up with this ROMPER ROOM sHit!!!!!!!!!!

DOWN the rabbit HOLE…..MY ASS, little Alice! Take another HIT of acid blondie!

These back to back holidays are KILLING ME…..and my stockroom sex life! 

It wasn't Heff's PLAYBOY BUNNY, I GOT for Easter…..No HoT Girlz Next Door for me...Instead I get clean up  the aftermath of  the  Porky Easter Parade...I'm so  DAMN  SICK OF IT!!  Why can't  PEOPLE  pick what they want, drop it in their basket,  go buy it and  THEN LEAVE!!!

…….Rabbit HUMP DAYS = JaSoN CHUMP DAYS

......What is up Doc?

......Bite JaSoN's ten inch carrot you fluffy bitch.

…..Where is my beebee GUN..Dammmmmm IT!!!

....Rabbit stew anyone?

Time for JaSoN to increase is springtime meds!....and to lay my own damn eggs! Can you smell them? Take it all in! FIRE IN THE HOLE KIDS!!! 

Later Slaves...

See you all in hell,

JaSoN

Cupid or Stupid?

....for the last month I've been stocking and straightening these freakin shelves full of bloody velvet-shaped hearts, creepy cuddling things with scary eyes, and lovey-dovey cards that make be want to barf...all of it rEALLY tICKS mE oFF!...triggers my sCHIZOID-dEPRESSION!!!

...wONKA bARS, snoz-bERRIES!...tWIX AND tWIZZLERS coming out of MY aSS...cORN sYRUP diarreaha... oVERPRICED chocolates that taste... like sweetened sewer tOBBACO...lace covered heart boxes filled with cream, pUSS, or various 'oTHER pOISONS' that can't be too good for your cLOGGED aRTERIES rEADY tO EXPLODE!! wILLIE wONKA "can BITE" my vANILLA wAFER!!

fLOWERS...cHOCOLATE...wHO tHE fUCK dIED?!?

....iT's "tHAT sPECIAL dAY" that the Commercial Sales Industry likes to shove down every couple's throat!....eSPECIALLY the mENz!!!...to bUY their hONEY...A gIFT/S...be mEASURED or sCRUTINIZED by the amount or sIZE of the gIFT (pENIS size does not count, here men)....and be left to feel like a 'wINNER in lOVE' or a "bOOZER lOOSER"...in love if you don't qualify! WHATEVER! vD dAY! YOU sUCK!...WELL, adult cHILDREN...hOMEY 'The Clown' doesn't pLAY THIS gAME...AND....neither does jASON X!

....vALENTINES dAY!...tALK about an arrow shot through your fuckin heart...or as in rETAIL mALE sLAVE...STRAIGHT through your damn bALL-sACK!!!...OUCH! MOMMIEE!!!

....This is the most oVER-rATED cELEBRATED dAY that I can think of! I'd much rather put all my time and monies into tALK lIKE a pIRATE dAY! Why are there no cards and candy for THAT!....aaaAAARGGH!!.....why isn't there a rETAIL sLAVE dAY?...UNFAIR bASTARDS!! We shouldn't we all get the dAY off. Grandparents and secretaries get a dAY! WHY nOT US?!

...and there's this stupid fat little fuck the world Has come to call cUPID!!! WTF?!!!...WHO is the fREAK anyway?!!!...would you place your lovelife in the hands of a wHINEY bABY with tINY lITTLE dRAGON wINGS flapping nervously around while he stares at you with a pERVERTED sMILE, wearing a dIAPER fULL of sHIT AND pISS!!...HELLLLLLLL NO!!!

...this sUPERNATURAL "lITTLE bASTARD" supposedly carries a bogus bow and endless aRMOR pIERCING aRROWS full of lovejuice...ready to shoot through your fucking hEART or in case he misses...iN yOUR aSS!!..whether you WANT to be 'iN lOVE' or NOT!..I don't know about you rETAIL sLAVES..but I'm so fucking tired of being SHOT at in my gHETTO sTORE, let alone by...an uNDERDEVELOPED fETUS that looks like a cross between yODA and mADAME bUTTERFLY!!!

...sOMEBODY...PLEASE!!!...stick a bIG fAT nIPPLE in this freaky fAIRY'S mOUTH and fILL hIM WITH..cRACK-tOSE!!!...Then grab a bIG sSS CAN OF RAID and...sPRAY down the fUCKER!..tell the eVIL lITTLE bUG to bUZZ oFF and dIE!!

sHIT!!!!!! All because of him The Retail Line is filling up with pISSY, iRRATE sEX-STARVED mALE cUSTOMERS trying to get a 'lITTLE nUGGIE' from their oLD cRABBY lADIES...HOLDING OUT!!!!! Better get back to acting like dON qUAN 'DICKHEAD' dEMARKO and take tHE tHORNS off these pOOP-cOLORED Chocolate Roses and pRICK these a-HOLES to get them mOVING out the fucking door!!!....And...Don't even get me started on all the BRATS begging their parents for 30 pound bags and boxes of cANDY! Don't they have enough sUGAR already? I can't keep them down off the fucking store shelves!

...Well My heartsick rETAIL sLAVES....I better start making my sHITTY rETAIL cLEAN-uP rOUNDS...but before I GO...I want to leave all you rETAIL sLUTS AND wHORES some of my uNDERGROUND pOETRY for this sICKLY romantic dAY!

tO THE wOMEN:

...Roses are rED

...Violets are bLUE

...eAT all the candy you want, lADIES

...You'll need to take a shitload of LAXATIVES tOO!!!

tO THE mEN:

...Candy is dANDY

...and we all know Liquor is qUICKERS

....but tonight...too much of it will kill your tESTOSTERONE-fILLED DICKERS!

tO aNYONE THAT GIVES A SHIT:

...cANDY and sPICE might give your Valentine gENITAL lICE!! WATCH OUT!

...get your sHOT of pRENUPTIAL pENICILLIN...while you still cAN!

...hAPPY cRAPPY...V-D DAY!!!

jASON of the uNDERGROUND

p.S.

I proudly recommend all these products below to make your VD more memorable:

Jason's Bipolar Retail Rant On Inventory

It is '2008'. A NEW YEAR. Time to start "FRESH"...forget about 'past fuckups' and 'customer asswipes' that I avoided like the BOOBONIC PLAGUE last year!.

Been watching "The Secret,".....trying to stay POSITIVE! YES POSITIVE! No more NEGATIVE NELLY thoughts...only POSITIVE POLLYANNA (she's way hotter and naughtier)..only good vibes..no bad vibes..only UP'S!! ...NO DOwns..wait..what's that you say? It's WHAT TIME?

INVENTORY?!!

OH HELL NO. CRAP NO. FUCK NO. I HATE INVENTORY...I'D RATHER EAT A SHIT SANDWICH...FUCKING HATE IT!...HATE IT!....BITE ME Pollyanna! C'mon Negative Nelly! Lets GET DOWN and bitchslap this Retail Hell Hole.

INVENTORY = BRAIN FREEZE

The number counting..123456789....MY SKULL HURTS...The price checking...104.99, 34.99, 67.99...MY EYES HURT...the cleaning and organizing...MY BACK HURTS...the long hours on my knees...HEY, HEY, WATCH YOURSELVES - I'M TALKING ABOUT COUNTING MERCHANDISE HERE AND NOTHING ELSE - DOESN'T MATTER -.....INVENTORY makes me HURT ALL OVER!!

...been handed this strange looking device...state-of-the-art SCANNING GUN! DOES IT KILL SEWER RATS? Nothing happened when I aimed it at my MANAGER.....BLINKING and FLASHING...ALL OVER...GLOWING RED and YELLOW...EVERYWHERE..DOES IT TALK DIRTY?...What are you wearing? ... BUTTONS with numbers AND weird WORDS all OVER....What the fuck is PROGRAFUNCALLY...must be a NEW STD....And there are BUTTONS WITH ARROWS POINTING to MY CROTCH!!...WHAT IS THIS thing? HOW the HELL' do I thread this FUCKING THING!...SHIT!! IT'S BEEPING like a MICROWAVE! It's BEEPING FASTER! FASTER than 2 RABID RABBITS humping each OTHER!! I'M GOING TO DROP IT! or SMASH IT to SHIT......STooooooOOOP. W*A*I*T!!

I know....I'll pretend the scangun went MISSING!...SHOVE this RAG TAG TOYS R'US PIECE OF SHIT up my MANAGER'S CONDESCENDING ASS! She won't even BURP!.....I could just TOSS it in the garbage can outside of Mrs. Field's Cookies in the Mall?...Are the scanguns traceable?....MAYBE I'll just sell it to some CUSTOMER'S BRATTY KID for $200 bucks and tell him it's a new Nintendo game...OH GOD NO..Can't DISPOSE of Scangun...THEY WILL go back to WRITING ON PAPER with pencils...my fingers will bleed...and then I'll have to WIPE MY ASS with the INVENTORY SHEET and FLUSH....down the toilet... like in the old days...GOOD TIMES..Watching my jerk-off manager being taken away by ambulance because of a missing inventory sheet.

...WHAT'S THAT YOU SAY? You want me to untangle and count a BIG WAD OF NECKLACES? F-YOU DONALD TRUMP....I'm not your bitch apprentice. YOU WANT ME TO count HUNDREDS of GRANDMA PANTIES?....Sorry MRS. CLINTON, NOT fucking DOING IT. LET ME OFF THIS RETAIL HELL GREYHOUND. MR. BUS DRIVER, YOU MISSED MY MANSION! I WANT MY MOMMY!!!!(or all three GIRLS NEXT DOOR! I'm in LOVE with you Holly! Please let me move into the mansion, I'll be your own personal Retail Slut Slave) *@**# oh SHIT. Don't WANT TO COUNT. CAN'T COUNT. I'M HAVING AN INVENTORY MELTDOWN!

...GET ME A REAL GUN!...I need BEER. Where are MY MEDS?...BLUE PILL or RED PiLL? Liquid NITROGEN. Sniff some CRZY GLU?...NUMB2RS RAining in my BRAIN...Numb3r after fucking Num8er..IT'S MATRIX time!.. 283984371. ...ooooOOOOH.. pigeon tirds in rainbow pricetag colors.... 29.99..10.49..47.93...The EVIL Cosmetic Clowns are COMING to MAKE me COUNT lipsticks and fucking eyeliners! NOOOOOOOOOOooooooo! GOD SAVE ME from THIS RETAIL hell.

To ALL OF YOU INVENTORY RINGMASTER A-HOLES and PURVEYORS of SCANGUNS that don't KILL MANAGERS - I mean SEWER RATS - I SAY THIS....CLICK HERE

Holiday Retail Hell = Jurassic Park

To Anybody reading this : Send me a Time Travel Machine to get me the FUCK OUT OF HERE! After spending the whole day at my Job (coming in 2 hours earlier by mistake) the CORPORATE CARNOSAUR raised its scaly head,whipped its tail around and
told me to stay for "OPEN HOLIDAY HOUSE"
and........WORK IT! Being sick all day and coughing up YELLOW,PUSY MUCOUS, I replied.........OK! .....WHAT WAS I
THINKING....CHARLIE BROWN....GOOD GRIEF!
THE MONKEYS (primates) came in,STUFFED their faces with cake and cookies, GRUNTED and MOANED,BIT ME in the ass and left a mess of CRUMBS and GARBAGE behind
them!... Along with destroyed merchandise!
The fever..........THE FEVER!!!!!.....DINOSAURS....CAVE-DWELLERS......YABBA-DABBA-FUCKIN DOOO!.....BEDROCK
ON ACID.....ENOUGH of that SHITTY COUGH MEDICINE...!.....I WANT O*U*T!!!!!!!!!!!ESCAPE before they feed AGAIN!.....HOLIDAYS...STALKING....PREYING on the SICK!....CAMP CRYSTAL LAKE is a PICNIC compared to DINOTOPIA!!!!!! AAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!