I have had a few people ask me if I have a story about the worst interview I have ever done and so I'm putting this one out there. Please feel free to add any stories that you have as well I love reading about everyone else's experiences. It's great to know I am not the only one who attracts the psychos. So, grab a snack and an alcoholic beverage of your choice (you are gonna need it; just be careful I don't guarantee there will not be spitting with laughter) and pull up a seat this is a long-un.
On my great quest to find employees this gem crossed my path. After reviewing her application, which was not a huge train wreck, I called in this potential employee. We will call her Felony Melanie (yes name is changed). While on the phone she was very curt but I just blew it off as being nervous. I schedule her to come in during my dead time (afternoon) so I will have a chance to interview her.
Just a quick note; when doing an interview I am required to ask four questions. It doesn't matter what the questions are but as long as I ask at least four.
About ten minutes after her appointed time I see what I think is a woman come in through my door. She is about six feet tall and around 300lbs. Her head is shaved on the sides and the rest is greased down with what I am hoping is hair gel but from the smell of her I am not so certain. Her clothes consist of torn jeans, an over sized dirty men's t-shirt and work boots.
I'm a little taken back by this appearance but I never judge a book by its cover. She asks the counter girl for me and she points out my 'office'. (my favorite booth to interview people.) And Felony Melanie sits down.
I come over to the table say hello and put my hand to shake. Without taking my hand or even saying hi she looks straight at me and says "Let me tell you about my felony."
Wait WHAT!? First off I will still hire people with records depending on the record. But she just launches into this without even saying hello. Not to mention there was nothing on her app saying she had a felony (we have a place that asks about it)
Okay. So I sit down and she starts into this story and I remember it almost word for word because, just damn. You know there are those moments in life that you will never forget things like your wedding, the birth of your first child, and your first time. And then there are those times like your grandparents passing, breaking up, and failing a test. Well this was not one of the former. This was like being run over by a truck and looking down and seeing your leg is broken and turned the wrong way but you can't feel the pain yet but you know once feeling comes back you are going to be in agony. Yeah that pretty much describes this conversation.
Alright back to the story. So she breaks out with this great opening line and I motion for her to continue.
"So Let me tell you about my felony. First off it is a load of crap. See I saw something go down. Well, MAYBE I saw something go down but I don't talk about it because I ain't no snitch right. So MAYBE I saw something go down and the po po (yes she said po po) show up at my place asking about it and I tell them I didn't see nothin. So they say that someone else said I saw and I said I didn't see nothing and ifin (yes ifin) someone else said I saw something that they are liars and that they better watch their backs cuz if the person who they say I saw do something which I aint saying I saw they are gonna end up in a bad place if you know what I mean."
All this is said without stop but it doesn't end there. She pauses for a minute to take a breath and then pushes on.
"And then I ain't sayin I saw anything but even if I did I'm no snitch. So then the coppers say they have me on video during the time that something maybe went down and I told them they was liars cuz there weren't no cameras there at the place it mighta happened. And even when the judge said that it was clearly me on the video I ain't sayin nothing. Cuz I'm trustworthy see. Ifin you hire me you don't need to worry about me sayin nothin about somethin."
I clear my throat after a few seconds that feel like ten minutes and get on with my questions. Remember I have to ask 4 even if I know I'm not hiring this person.
Me: "So it says here you worked for (fast food restaurant) What did you like most about working there?"
FM: "Well, everything except the fact that I had to sue them."
WHAT?! I told you this was a long one but so worth it it only gets better from here. If it hadn't happened to me I wouldn't believe it!
Me: [now I'm curious I want to see where this goes.] "Why did you sue them?"
FM: "Because they made me work with men. And that was harassment."
At this point I am looking around my store. We jokingly call my store the hot dog stand because at the time there were only two women working there and all the rest were men. So strike two. But wait we have only asked two questions I still have to ask two more. Oh dear God....
Me: "Um, okay. So, um, I see you worked at (generic taco restaurant) what was your favorite thing about working there?"
I am straining to keep from eye rolling or just walking away at this point.
She interrupts me to say:
FM: "Well, everything except the fact that I had to sue them."
Me: "Wait what? You sued them too!? Why?"
I'm sorry I couldn't help myself I had to see where this was going. Even though her smell was getting to me, I put on lotion to cover the smell and I am desperately trying to keep my mouth from dropping in awe.
FM: "Well I was in line to be manager see and so one night they says that the safe is not right and so itta (yes itta) musta been me that done took the money. I don't know why they say that its not like I ever took money before and it was only like 100 dollars missin not like a busy place like that misses that much anyways. So theys sayin I took it and so I sues em because they don't have no proof it was me."
I'm absolutely speechless at this point. I manage to croak out some kind of thanks or farewell, and just walk in the back and sit in my office, trying to make some sense of this whole thing for probably ten minutes.
One of my employees comes into the back and he asks if I am hiring her. I just look at him and he looks back and just starts laughing. I start laughing and don't stop for a very long time.
Needless to say she is not in my employ.