This wish list was originally posted on: December 19, 2010
These gifts will be good all year round.
Spines: These will be given out to all managers who side with the asshole customer instead of the sales associate who is only following orders, only to have the asshole manager ignore company policy and give the asshole customer what they want.
Managers who already have spines will be upgraded to a set of balls of steel.
Cell Phone Killers: These will be installed in cash registers. When a customer is within five feet of the register the signal will start to break up, if they have not gotten the clue, then at two feet the signal cuts out altogether dropping the call, no matter what carrier you have. There is no app for that.
Age Specific Pacifiers: For hellspawn of course. If parents don't bother to bring something to keep their kids occupied, then depending on the age of the child, something is given to them to keep them from running around, destroying the store and annoying the other customers. Something cheap, it might break when they get it home, but while they're in the store it'll keep them from being hellspawn. Well behaved children will be given something cool.
Rude, nasty customers will find that their carts are always wobbly, at least one wheel spins around like there's a windstorm going on three inches above the ground, the cart leans to either the left or right, and every now and then lets out an ear splitting squeal.
How will this work? Remote controls carried by all store personnel, it looks like a car remote (or built into your name tag). Simply aim it at a cart and hit the button when a customer turns into a crusty.
AI Alarm Systems: This will be a voice activated system that will let security know exactly what the customer looks like when a theft is suspected. It will be available in a variety of voices, all of which are loud and obnoxious. They will work hand in hand with the new AI security cameras that track suspicious customers, so not every customer who's merchandise was accidentally not deactivated is accused of theft.
AI Security Cameras: As stated above, these will track suspicious customers who may turn out to be NATs. They will also watch for customers who put stuff back wherever, or place their empty cups, soda cans and other trash on shelves instead of in garbage cans. It will also call them out:
"Hey, Vinnie Slobarino! There's a garbage can three feet to your right/left/behind you! Use it!"
"Is that where you got that? No? Then put it back where you found it!"
AI Cash Registers: Along with the ability to kill cell phone signals registers will also do what cashiers can't do... talk back. When customers start arguing prices, or just being a general pain in the ass the register will speak up!
"Yes, ma'am, I know the pants are 50% off, it'll be taken off at the end of the sale, now shut up and let the employee get back to work."
"Hey, slow down there flash! Keep your coupons until the END of the transaction, s/he's only got two hands."
"The money goes in the cashiers hand, not on the counter."
"Hey stupid, don't put the money on the belt!"
"Hey stupid, don't put your kid on the belt, this is a department/grocery store, not an amusement park ride!"
They can also scan ID's to let you know if they're real or fake.
Clue By Fours: Whenever a customer starts acting like a grade A douche, the sales associate can take this stick and whack the customer in the head. It will knock a little common sense into the customer to make them realize that they're being an idiot, and in most cases shut them up so the rest of the sale goes smoothly.
Mandatory sales floor work for corporate: Black Friday. All regular sales associates get the day off to spend with their families. Also every weekend in December and the week after Christmas.
Alternate versions will be made for those who work in phone sales/tech support (if a customer swears at you three times the call is automatically terminated) and food service (the register/server's order book will record each order so when the customer argues "That's not what I ordered" you can play back their order to prove to them that it is in fact exactly what they ordered).
So... what'd I miss?
--Son Of Thrognar