Mighty Thrognar here, NC Tony asked me to relay this to you. See, I was smiting a crusty the other day and he was in the blast radius. Don't worry, he'll be okay, the hair will grow back, but I think he's deaf in one ear now.
Plus, who really needs thumbs anyway? He did manage to type this up the day before I accidentally smote him.
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You know the drill by now. These are five new items no retail establishment should be without.
"Never Shopping Here Again Scanners": How many times have you had a crusty declare they're "never shopping here again", due to any perceived slight, only to show up again a few days later? Don't you wish you could hold them to their "threat" of never coming back? Well with the Never Shopping Here Again Scanners you can. When the crusty declares their intention to never return, scanners mounted in the ceiling scan the crusty getting vital information, the most important being their face. Other factors such as height, weight, even the way they walk will be scanned and recorded. Other scanners mounted at every door will scan each customer that comes in. When the crusty who promised to never come back comes back (and they will), the scanners go off with a loud alarm and the customer in question is singled out followed by a recording of them saying they would never again shop at your establishment. They are then escorted from the premises. This will happen every time they try to return.
50 Good Reasons Sheet: I'm sure you can count on all your fingers and toes how many times a day you get a Discount Rat asking for a discount they don't deserve. Whether it be because they "spend a lot of money" in your store, or for some slight imperfection in whatever they're buying, or for some other stupid reason that has no basis in reality. Well now, if they want that discount, they have to fill out a sheet of 50 Good Reason why they deserve a discount. These must be good reasons, not entitled crap like "I deserve it" or the aforementioned "I spend a lot of money here". The sheet must be filled out, returned and approved (by a manager with a spine, see the first Retail Slaves Wish List) by the close of business that day. Otherwise the discount will be denied and the crusty can either pay the full price, or go somewhere else.
Bill Holders: How many times have you had a NAT claim they gave you a $50 bill when they only gave you a $20? How many times have you had a spineless manager give in and force you to give the NAT change for a 50 only to find your drawer short at the end of shift? This puts a stop to all that. The bill holder is mounted on the far side of your register and holds any large bills while you make change. The bill stays in plain sight while you hand the change back to the NAT so they can't claim they gave you a larger bill than what they gave you. Then after the scam fails you can put the bill in the register.
Very Obvious Cameras: Every establishment has hidden cameras, but why hide them? Put them everywhere and make them obvious. Go back to the more obvious cameras that you can't help but see. NATs will have to be either real sneaky or real ballsy to try and steal from your store now. These can be combined with the Bill Holders.
Low Voltage Stun Guns: "Now wait NC Tony" you're probably saying, "Why low voltage stun guns? I want to stun someone with enough voltage that I can smell their singed hair! Have you gone soft on us?" No, I haven't. See, these low voltage stun guns, built into the register will stun the customer for all the stupid crap they do that annoys us. Talking on the phone? ZAP! Arguing over the sale price when you've already explained that the discount will be applied at the end of the transaction? ZAP! Paying with $100 bill first thing in the morning? ZAP! Hitting on you? ZAP! Getting verbally abusive? ZAP! Not enough to hurt them, but enough to be annoying, and they will get zapped for every offense. However, if the custy somehow doesn't get the hint after the fifth time, the voltage goes up.
Gorgon After Hours Security: Hate those customers that come in one minute to close and promise to "just be a minute", and then don't leave for a half an hour? Of course you do! Or the customers that are still in the store ignoring the fact that you're closing? Well the Gorgon After Hours Security System will take care of that. Named after the Gorgon Medusa from Greek mythology, the system will make the very loud following announcement. "Attention shoppers: [Insert your store name here] is now closed. Please take your purchases to the nearest register or you will be zapped by the Gorgon After Hours Security System and turned to stone. You will remain here all night as a statue and only be returned to normal when we reopen in the morning." This will be even more effective on holidays when the customer is under the threat of being stuck as stone for two or three days.
Once again, any other ideas can be left below in the comments.
Note from Thrognar: To all trolls, the above is a joke. Please do not take it seriously.
Or I will smite you.
-The Mighty Thrognar