Retail Hell Underground

Happy Valentines Day RHU: NC Tony's Customer Contract

So I've decided not to save the Slaves Wish List just for the holidays. I got struck with inspiration, and I'm not waiting 10 months to post it.

How many of you had to sign some kind of "contract" when taking your jobs? *counts hands* Some sort of code of conduct about how you would conduct yourself during the hours you're on the clock. How many of you wish customers also had to sign a similar code of conduct about how they would conduct themselves while they are in your store shopping (or eating if you work in a restaurant)? *counts hands* Ok, Burger Bitch, you don't need to raise both hands, I'm only counting you once. Well then allow me to present what every customer would have to read and sign before being allowed in your store...

THE CUSTOMER CODE OF CONDUCT:

I, the customer agree to abide by the following rules while shopping in your establishment.

1) If, the store employs a greeter who's sole job it is to welcome me to MegaMart, I will acknowledge their greeting, even if I just smile and nod at them. I will not ignore them as if they weren't even there.

2) If I require assistance on the sales floor, I will find a store associate and ask them "Excuse me, can you please tell me where [item] is?" or "Could you please tell me where [item] is?" or some variation thereof. I will not just walk up to an associate and bark out a one word exclamation of what I need. Nor will I whistle, snap my fingers or grumble "Doesn't anybody WORK around here?" to get their attention. I will not demand their help either.

2a) Likewise if an employee comes up to me and asks me if I need help, I will either use one of the above polite requests for help, or simply say "No thank you".

2b) I will accept that I do not know more than the employees. After all they work here, and know the way the store works better than I do.

2c) I will not insult their level of intelligence for working here. I understand that this may have been the only job they were able to get at the time, and that just like me they have bills to pay.

3) If the store is out of an item, I will not accuse employees of hiding more of said item in the back. I will accept that the store is out of said item, and either look for it elsewhere, or politely ask if an employee knows when the store is getting any more in, and return at a later time to get the item.

4) I will control my children and keep an eye on them. I will not allow them to handle valuable and/or fragile merchandise. I will not let them run around screaming like banshees, bothering other customers. I will not expect the employees to watch my children.

4a) I will not give my child a toy to play with from the toy section just to keep them quiet while I am shopping and then not buy it for them.

5) I will not open boxes of merchandise to see the contents and then take an unopened box.

6) If I do not want an item, I will not leave it on a random shelf, I will put it back where I found it.

6a) Likewise I will not just drop clothing items on the floor if it's not what I want.

7) I will not leave my trash on a random shelf. I will wait until I can find a garbage can.

8) I will not mistake the fitting room for a bathroom.

8a) If I do not want the clothes I have just tried them on I will leave them with the fitting room attendant, I will not dump the clothes on the floor.

9) In the bathroom I will use the toilets for their intended use and not spread my waste all over the walls and floor. If the toilet should overflow, I will find and employee and let them know so the mess can be cleaned up.

10) When making a return I will make sure I have the receipt, or some other proof of purchase. I will also make

sure I am within the allotted return time (ie: 7 days, 10 days, 90 days, etc). I will not throw a fit and threaten to "take my business elsewhere" or state that I "spend a lot of money here" and should therefore get my way.

10a) I will make sure I am returning something that the store sells. Not something that your competitor sells.

11) When checking out I will end my cell phone call long enough to complete the transaction.

11a) If I am paying in cash I will have my wallet in hand and will place the money in the cashiers hand.

11b) I will carry a wallet or purse and will not hand the cashier money out of my bra/underwear.

11c) I will not use a $100 bill to pay for a $5 order (especially not first thing in the morning).

11d) If I am using a credit/debit card, I will make sure I know my PIN, and how to use the card scanner.

11e) If I am using EBT/WIC, I will make sure I am buying only EBT/WIC approved items.
 
11f) If I am using coupons (either regular coupons or special store coupons) I will let the cashier know BEFORE they start ringing up the sale. I will not demand discounts I am not entitled to.

11g) If an item rings up for the wrong price I will politely point it out and not accuse the cashier (or the store) of trying to rip me off.

12) I will not act like I am entitled to special treatment. I will not threaten, abuse, admonish, augur, blackmail, bluster, browbeat, bully, caution, comminate, cow, enforce, flex muscles at, forebode, forewarn, fulminate, growl, intimidate, look daggers at, make threats to, menace, portend, presage, pressurize, push around, scare, scowl, shake fist at, snarl, spook, terrorize, torment, or walk heavy to get my way.

12a) I understand that sometimes mistakes happen and will not hold it against the employee.

13) I understand that the employees do not set the prices for items.

13a) I understand that the employees are only doing what they are being told to by their managers, who are being told to do by corporate.

14) UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES WILL I TRY TO STEAL ANYTHING FROM THE STORE. I understand that doing so will result in legal actions being taken against me.

I have read and understood the above rules and further understand that breaking any of the above rules will result in a $10 annoyance fee added to my total for each rule broken.

Signed,
[Customer]


So, as usual, I ask you my fellow RHUers, what did I leave out?

--NC Tony

Coming soon: customer contracts for restaurants, your managers, other (asshole) employees and whatever other jobs you can think of that need contracts like this.

More For The Retail Slave Wish List: The Kiddie Tazer

NC Tony's Retail Slave Wish List 2011

After all the positive feedback I got from last year's list, I decided to make another one for this year. I promised it, so here it is, the Retail Slaves Wish List 2011. This is by no means a complete list, so let me know what I may have forgotten.

Baby pictures: For those of you who don't (yet)/don't want to have children, you can now have wallet sized pictures of adorable babies to carry around. Why? For the next entitled idiot that threatens to get you fired!

Crusty: I don't like the way I was treated, I want to talk to your supervisor. I'm going to get you fired.

You (pulling out baby pictures): Could you do me a favor?

Crusty: What?

You (showing her pictures of adorable babies): Could you explain to my son(s)/daughter(s) [insert appropriate guilt trip such as baby needs an operation, why they won't be getting any presents this birthday/Christmas, basic needs like food and shelter]?

Those of you with children simply need to carry around pictures of your kids when they were babies, even if they are old enough to have jobs and families themselves. If you look too old to have young children simply refer to the angel faced cherubs in the pictures as your grandchildren. Available in boys and girls (mix and match for multiple children to heap on the guilt).

Fake smile: Does your face hurt from having to paste on a fake smile for every entitled asshole that comes through your line? Are you sick and tired of having to grin and bear it when some dickhead yells and screams at you for upholding company policy? Does your jaw ache from having to smile while some fuckface tears into you because you can't do the impossible? Now simply wear a fake smile over your own grimace of anger while your eyes convey all the hate necessary. Available in all skin tones for men and women.

Spawn B-Gone: Hate screaming, unruly children? Of course you do! Now with Spawn-B-Gone you don't have to deal with them. Developed by scientists, Spawn-B-Gone is a odorless gas that flows through the vents into the store and harmlessly puts small children (newborn-toddlers) to sleep. Older children (4 and up) will feel lethargic and listless, and less likely to get into shit. The effects wear off as soon as the children are out in the parking lot. Note: Spawn B-Gone does not actually make small children disappear.

Trash magnet: So there you are cleaning up, and you find an empty Starbucks cup stuck on a shelf. There's a garbage can five feet away. Ever wish you could find the responsible party? The trash magnet (an odorless spray that coats the customers clothes when they enter the store) will force their own trash to stick to their clothes unless it's deposited in an appropriate trash receptacle.

1,001 Ways To Get Revenge: This is more for your coworkers and managers who are out to get you, or prefer to throw you under the bus to save their own ass. 1,001 sneaky, devious, underhanded ways to get revenge on them that can never be tracked back to you. From simple things like keying their car, to kidnapping their pets for ransom. Also going to extreme measures like putting them on the mailing list for the Westboro Baptist Church or hiring an ex-con to rob their house while they're at work. Also available: 1,001 Ways To Get Revenge: Corporate Edition.

Terry Everton and Burger Bitch's Big Book of Insults: Tired of calling someone an asshole or a stupid bitch? Let RHU's experts in new curse words give you the arsenal to unleash as soon as Fuckneck McCockknuckle's back is turned. Let that dicktooth know exactly what you think of them, even if you can't say it to their face. Also good for the coworkers described above.

How to Be Condescending and Get Away With It: Along with the Big Book of Insults, this book gives you scathing ways to tell customers and asshole coworkers to fuck off and die without actually saying "Fuck off and die". Now you can let customers and idiot coworkers know exactly how you feel about them without getting in trouble for it. Now you can insult customers intelligence, upbringing, education level, and even their looks right to their face without them being any the wiser that they've been insulted. Special index: 20 ways to flip someone off right in front of their face. Includes the old favorites of scratching your face, adjusting your glasses, and new sneakier techniques of careful hand adjustment so that your middle finger is always pointed at the customer (but not so they'd notice).

Closing Time Stun Doors: It's two minutes to close, and here comes some asshole who decided to wait until the last minute to come shopping. They promise to be "real quick" but you know that "real quick" turns into you staying a half hour past closing time. Well now, anywhere between ten and two minutes to close the doors go into stun gun mode. With all the voltage of a police tazer, anyone waiting until the last minute to come in "real quick" will get a real quick jolt of 50,000 volts (customers exiting will not be affected). Can also be adjusted to stun anyone other than an employee trying to get in before the store officially opens.

Trapdoors at closed registers: Don't you hate it when your register is closed and some brain dead cockslap comes up and dumps their shit on your register despite the CLOSED sign? Well a simple push of a button will render your line closed again as a trapdoor opens under their feet. For those of you who don't want to hurt anyone, the space under the trapdoor can be equipped with a mattress, and an escape staircase that lets out in the parking lot.

Coffee Call-Back: Hate it when coffee customers yell at you for screwing up their orders, when it's their fault because they weren't specific? Now with Coffee Call-Back you can nip this annoying problem in the bud. Coffee Call-Back records the customer's order, and will play it back as soon as the customer complains that you screwed up their order. The crusty then has two choices: take the drink that they ordered, or pay half the cost of the drink to have it remade. Deluxe model comes with video playback.

Hounds: So you've made the announcement that your store is closing in 15, 10, 5 minutes. The Stun Doors have kept out the riffraff, and now the store is closed. Final announcement; "Ladies and gentlemen, we are now closed, please take your final purchases to the nearest register or we will release the hounds. Thank you for shopping at The Big Fancy." Hounds will be trained only to chase but not attack custys unless they're provoked. Hounds will also be trained not to attack retail slaves.

Baseball bat clue-by-fours: Now there's no need to carry around a unwieldy piece of wood. All new clue-by-fours have been turned into easy to carry baseball bats. Still with the same ability to knock sense into even the dumbest customer.

Real life censor/mute: Tired of customers calling you a stupid asshole or (even worse) a dumb cunt? Well with the real life censor their insults get turned into grade school insults that make them sound stupid. How funny would it be to hear "stupid asshole" turned into "stupid airnose"? "I can't fucking believe how fucking stupid and incompetent you are" becomes, "I can't fudgecicle believe how Frosted Flakes stupid and inclockable you are... wait, what the french toast did I just say?" For those more severe insults (being called a cunt, or having your race or sexual orientation insulted) the real life censor simply bleeps out the words. Can also be adjusted to mute the crustys voice altogether.

So there you have it thirteen brand new items that if they existed would make our lives so much easier.

-NC Tony

 

CLICK HERE TO SEE TONY'S 2010 LIST!

 

 

All In a Day's Retail Hell: Piggy Shoppers and Dumbass Custys

I really wish I had a camera phone, because I don't think the written word will do this justice, but I will try.

Every time I do ad set at work I have the same sections: luggage, housewares, rugs, (throw) pillows, bath, bedding, home decor and seasonal (and sometimes table and tower). It sounds like a lot I know, but luggage, rugs and pillows are the smallest sections in the store (along with toys and maternity), and I've been doing it for so long I really don't mind.

The last two shifts I worked I minded very much when it came to the luggage section. Both times the aisles were FILLED with luggage that was pulled off the shelf and left in the middle of the floor. These are not things that were pulled down from a top shelf either. The highest shelf was waist high!

If you can make the effort to pull the thing off the shelf, you can damn well make the effort to put it back up where you got it from! The shelf is only three feet off the ground! It was literally impossible to walk through the aisles without tripping over something. What made it even worse was the fact that stuff that was put back was just stuffed back anywhere it fit, regardless of whether it was the same brand or not.

Samsonite does not go with Chaps. Ricardo Beverly Hills does not go with Delsey. Sonoma does not go with American Tourister. So in order for me to get through the aisles (because ad set is a time sensitive job, we're graded on how fast we get the job done), I have to move shit out of the way and I'm pretty much forced to be like the customers and basically put it anywhere that fits. If I had more time, I would fix the sections and put everything back where it belonged, but that's not in my job description, nor my time frame. All I can do is let one of my fellow slaves know and hope they can fix it.

Like I said, these are short three foot high shelves (and the shelf below it, which is mere inches off the floor, stuff is pulled out from there too), not the seven foot high shelves that are on the wall (where thankfully nothing was pulled down from). So why, in the name of Arkvoodle's Sacred Crotch are people incapable of putting things back where they found them?

Also, just the other night, I hear this woman (in a high nasally voice) repeatedly screeching "Hello? Is anyone there? Hello?" over and over and over again.

At first I thought she was on a cell phone and her call had gotten dropped or something, I glanced over and she's standing at the door to the shoe stockroom yelling into the stockroom to see if anyone was in there. The shoe stockroom, while it is long is really not very big, sound carries well in there. If someone was in there they would have heard her at the very first nerve grating screech from this woman's mouth.

She sees me looking over at her and asks me for help. Fortunately she understood when I told her I didn't work in the shoe department, but I would page someone for her, which I did, and went back to my ad set. It's a small annoyance, In know, but she was yelling into the stock room for a good 2-3 minutes before I noticed it, and I do mean yelling. Frankly, I'm surprised she didn't just walk into the stock room and start looking around, as the door had been left open.

Slaves wish list coming soon, I had to add something after Burger Bitch's last post.

--NC Tony

Fed Up Retail Slave Writes Brutally Honest Letter To Corporate America

From NC Tony: While I am still working on the Slaves Wish List 2011, I've also been working on this. A letter I'm sure a lot of you wish you could fire off to the corporate headquarters of your shitty job.

* * * * * *

To: The Corporate Fat Cats of Mega-Mart

From: Disgruntled Faceless Employee #51248

Dear Assholes,

I'm not sure you realize this, but we lowly peons that you barely pay are pissed off. If you've been on the Internet for more than five minutes (and other than to check your stock portfolios), you're aware that there are websites where we (anonymously) call you out for your stupid policies. Stop lighting your cigars with $100 bills and listen up. We are pissed off, and we're going to call you out.

Below are your idiotic policies, and why they are idiotic.

First of all, our pay sucks. This should be obvious. You make millions of dollars to sit on your rapidly expanding asses all day, while we bust our asses, usually standing for eight to ten hours a day for chump change. This may come as a shock to you, but $8 an hour doesn't even begin to cover our expenses such as: rent, bills, car payments (including gas to get to our shitty jobs), kids, food, clothing, school (those of us who are college students) and the high cost of damn near everything. What we make in a year, you make in a day. Frankly it isn't fucking fair.

The customer is always right. If I hear this again, I swear to the Flying Spaghetti Monster, I'll scream. Let's get one thing straight right now. As the website says The Customer is Not Always Right. This outdated bullshit has led to shortages and pretty much giving away money. For every nice customer, we get the people who live only to torment us, defraud the company, and berate us. Try coming down out of your ivory tower and working in the store you've probably never even seen the inside of. You wouldn't last one fucking day. Sure, you could probably let the first few nasty comments roll off your back, but after the 50th person calls you a "stupid asshole" (or a "stupid cunt" if you're female), or any other insult, you're not wishing for them to have a nice day, you're wishing for them to get hit by a truck on their way home. Yet we have to smile and try to keep these assholes as customers.

Every time we hear "I'm never shopping here again!" we hope they'll keep their promise. I've read the company newsletter. I know we made 20 billion dollars last year. Loosing one dishonest customer in one city (that has 20 stores), in one store (out of the hundreds spread across the country) will not affect your bottom line, or the raises you give yourselves every year.

There's customer service, and then there's taking abuse. When the customer is abusing us, they are NEVER right. Ever. And if a customer ever hits me, then I'll officially quit my job before returning the favor. There is a fine line between customer service and a creepy stalker. I don't mind smiling and saying hi when a customer comes in. Asking them once if they need help should be enough. If they really need help, they'll track us down and we'll help them to the best of our abilities.

As a customer, I don't need someone constantly asking me if I need help every ten seconds. Don't make me do it to our customers. Nor do I want to have store credit cards pushed on me. I can barely keep my bank account in triple digits with what you pay me, and the same probably goes for our customers. They either already have, don't want/need, or don't give half a fuck about our store credit card. Stop setting ridiculous goals for us to meet. I've asked 100 people if they wanted the card. 25 already had it, the other 75 told me no, and got mad when I kept trying (read: being forced) to push it on them. Several threatened my physical well being. Let the manager yell at me, I stopped asking after that.

Speaking of the managers. WHERE THE FUCK DO YOU FIND THESE GUYS? I understand getting written up if we've done something horribly wrong, but the managers are on power trips. I and several of my co-workers have been written up for stupid shit (clocking back in from break one minute late... because everyone else was clocking in from break at the same time!) or things that are simply beyond our control (we were sold out of something and were written up because we had to tell the customer "No, we don't have anymore of that item").

Again, come down out of your ivory towers and work the sales floor. You'd be amazed at how stupid your policies are. Customers coming up to us and demanding to know where something is, instead of asking nicely. I can't count how many times a day people come up to me and just bark "Towels", "Rugs", "Coffee". What does that mean? Do we carry them? Where are they? What colors do we carry? What brands? WHAT IS THE QUESTION? We're not mind readers, something else the customers expect. And the managers get mad at us when we can't satisfy the customers who are never fucking happy anyway. It gets even worse when they throw us under the bus.

I'm so glad you force us to consent to something short of a full-body cavity search before we leave the store, while our customers steal hundreds of dollars worth of merchandise a month. Sometimes they do it right in front of our face in the way of bullshit returns.

Due to your "hassle free returns" people have defrauded the company by bringing in stuff they bought five years ago, at another (as in a competitors) store, with no receipt, no proof of any kind that they purchased the item, and when I can't verify or process the return they demand a manager who goes against company policy and forces me to do the return anyway (the aforementioned throwing us under the bus), usually ending up with the customer getting a refund (or free money since they probably didn't buy the item in the first place).

It gets even worse since we can't apprehend the customer, even when we see them stealing shit. So I've decided if you can't fight 'em, join 'em. I've had my friends come in and steal shit, return stolen (or old items) and we've split the merchandise and money... or have I? Something to think about. I have to do something to combat the shitty wages you pay me.

Getting back to our shitty managers. I have told these people fifty fucking times what my availability was, and still get scheduled for times when I am not available. Now I have to scramble to find someone to cover my shift, and I know of maybe three people that I can trust to switch with... except they're working the same shift. Speaking of which, let me shift gears to my fucking asshole co-workers. If I need a shift covered, they can't do it, for no other reason then they just don't want to work. But if they need a shift covered, they expect me to take their shift without question. Just because they do it to me, I always tell them I have something to do (even if that something is sitting around all day playing video games). And I want to know why I, who have been working here for five years gets less hours than some worthless waste of space who just got hired yesterday. There are people in this store who do NOTHING all day long, come in late, leave early and never get reprimanded for it. If I stop working for a minute to stretch my legs, go to the bathroom, sneeze, blink my eyes without permission, I get threatened with a bullshit write up (see above) when I've done more work in the last hour than the shiftless sack of shit has done all day. These are the same people who don't come in to work, not because they're sick, but because they went out drinking last night and are hung over. Meanwhile I'm on death's door, and I'm forced to come in. Last time the manager forced me to come in when I was sick, I coughed in his face and gave him my cold. I've also stopped answering my phone on my days off. If I'm not scheduled to be at work, I won't go to work. I avoid shopping at the store on my days off, just so I don't get roped into working. If the worthless employees can't come in because they're hung over, guess what? Not my problem. I'm pretty sure the managers are fucking the worthless employees. Unlike the way you're fucking us.

Speaking of not working. Why in the name of Arkvoodle of the Sacred Crotch are we open on Thanksgiving and Christmas? If it's really that important for the store to be open, then YOU come in on those days and I'll spend time with my family. You can also work Black Friday. I'm gonna stay at home. You deal with the five hundred assholes who want the new game system/video game, smart phone, iPad, whatever when you only have ten in stock. You get trampled to death when the ten thousand people lined up outside stampede in when the doors open at five am.

So in summary: We get paid shit, while you get paid tons of money to do nothing except make up stupid policies that make our jobs harder. The customers are allowed to verbally (and sometimes physically) abuse us, and we just have to grin and bear it (because they might never "shop here again", I still fail to see the downside of this). Your expectations of how many store credit cards we're expected to sell are ridiculous (and just plain stupid). The customers defraud us with bogus returns and get discounts they're not entitled to, or free money (there goes my 25 cent raise), or just outright steal stuff, knowing we can't do anything. The managers are all on power trips, writing up the hardworking employees and letting the slackers get away with doing fuck-all. The slacker co-workers won't help someone out who needs time off (I had to beg, plead and threaten to get time off when my grandmother died), but when they don't want to work expect someone else to take their shift without question. We're open on holidays while you jet off the South of France, and I have to hope I have enough time to eat dinner with my family and play with my kids on Christmas Day.

I really hope this e-mail opened your eyes. Because while you've been reading this, I used my computer degree to hack into your bank account and clean you out.

Sincerely,

Disgruntled Faceless Employee #51248

P.S: Don't even get me started on the problems with kids.

--NC Tony

 

 

 

Sale Hell: Discount Rat Turns Into N.A.T.

Just when you think you've heard of all the ways NAT's can try getting discounts they don't deserve we get the tale of the NAT my manager told me about last night.

The NAT in question was buying a bedding set. The signs we have usually list the price for one size (usually twin) in bold print, and the other sizes in smaller print below it. So the NAT is cashing out and when the price comes up for what the bedding set actually costs instead of what she changed the sign to the complaining starts.

Again this is all according to the store manager, because I wasn't there to witness this. Not only does the woman complain that the signs were wrong, but she even took a picture of it on her cell phone to prove it was the lower price she was claiming it was (Red Flag #1 goes up for the manager), the picture in question had the item name cut off (Red Flag #2), as well as the prices for the other sizes, in fact the picture ONLY had the price (Red Flag #3). So the manager heads back to the bedding section to find that the woman had simply switched the signs.

Now we may not know the price of every single item in the store, but she didn't even bother to change items with the same brand name or even the same kind of item!(she used the sign for blankets and not bedding sets)

So after getting caught in her lie, she complained some more before deciding not to buy anything, and stormed out.

The kicker? She didn't just change two signs, as the manager went to put the signs back, she noticed about four other signs that had been changed! This woman changed around six different signs trying to get an undeserved discount. The manager changed everything back before I went through the section on ad set so I wouldn't be setting the wrong signs for the wrong items.

Fortunately, I always scan bedding and pretty much know what goes where, so I probably would have caught it if anything was amiss.

There's a difference between a wrong sign and the store admitting to a mistake, then there's changing the signs and trying to convince the slaves that the wrong sign on the wrong item will magically change the price.

As a side note, some of you may remember my slaves wish list from last year. I'm working on a new one for this year as well with new well needed additions that would make our working lives better!

--NC Tony

 

Hellspawn Tales 2Fer: Blind Piggy Parent and Bitchy Entitled Parent

Hey all, NC Tony here with two stories on one of our favorite subjects, HELLSPAWN!

This first story actually comes from Mrs. NC.

As I mentioned in pretty much every post where the Mrs is mentioned, she works in the photo lab at Wal-Fart. She and her manager were busy putting out freight in the camera accessories aisle. Not too far away Mrs. Oblivious was using the self serve machines to make her own pictures. Her Hellspawn (probably about 3 or 4) was busy literally tearing the packaging off a disposable camera.

It was not clear if Mrs. Oblivious had bought or was planning to buy said disposable camera, but even if she was, she was totally ignoring the fact that her daughter was shredding the packaging throwing pieces of it everywhere. This is not something you can do quietly.

On top of this, the little hellion was asking her mother over and over and over if she could help her get the packaging off.

At this point, the little monster had destroyed the outer packaging, all that was left was the foil wrapper around the actual camera. For the sixth time, Little Miss Messy asked her mother for help, this was finally when Mrs. Oblivious realized what her daughter had done, my wife didn't actually hear what she said, but she looked horrified.

By the time they realized that the woman had no intention of buying the camera she was gone, the camera (still in the foil packaging) was sitting on the machine, the shredded packaging all over the floor.

They had to put the camera in as "known theft" because without the original packaging it was unsellable (is that even a word or did I just make up a new one?). As I said, my wife and her manager were busy with restocking and couldn't constantly check on her.

This next tale comes from my days at the Big Red Bullseye, and was inspired by the other night on ad-set. As you all know, most RF guns beep when you scan things. As I was going through while the store was still open (ad-set usually starts about an hour or so before we close) scanning, the RF was beeping, and a kid kept saying "Beep daddy, beep!".

Flash back about 5-6 years to my days at the Bullseye. I was out on the floor putting out merchandise, I was using my RF gun to scan the items to make sure of where they went. Some little kid sees my cool "laser scanner" and wants to see it. So he goes and asks his mother to ask me if he can see it.

I politely explain to her that my scanner is a rather expensive piece of equipment (and the company had just recently bought us new ones, so they were only a few months old) not a toy, and while he can look at it he can't actually handle it.

Cue bitch in 3, 2, 1.

"He's not going to break it!"

Did I miss something? When does "I'm sorry, but this is a rather expensive piece of equipment, not a  toy. I can show it to him, but I can't actually let him use it." equal "No, he can't touch it because he might break it!"?

Did I miss a class somewhere? Oh right, this is an entitled bitch who thinks that everyone else in the world is here to make her life easier.

"I never said that. I was just saying--"

"Never mind. You could have just said no." Takes junior and storms off.

I did you fucking cuntbag. And nicely too. Would you rather I tell you to fuck off? I can do that.

The kid didn't even look upset. He even looked a little excited when I said I would be willing to show him how it worked. I wasn't all that busy (just killing time until I could clock out in a half hour), I would have been happy to take a couple of minutes to show him how it worked.

But that wasn't good enough for Bitchzilla. Apparently my polite refusal to let the kid hold a $3,000 piece of equipment that was essential to doing my job was the same as accusing the kid of being a fucking klutz and predicting he'd break the scanner.

Some days I really hate people.

Present company excluded of course.

--NC Tony

 

New York City Vacation Hell: Rude Tourists and Hellspawn Tantrums

So if anyone noticed my snark from the comments last week (yeah, right!), it's because I'd finally earned some vacation time and got as far the fuck away from work as NC Tony could, I avoided reading RHU simply because I was on vacation and didn't want to think about work, even if it was your shitty customers and job experiences. So I'm sorry for anything I missed.

For 9 days I was not NC Tony, I was NY Tony! I went to visit my mother in my hometown of New York, and took my short man with me.

Now as many stereotypes will tell you, all New Yorkers are rude assholes who use "fuck" as a noun, verb, pronoun, preposition, an adjective (forty ways in all!), and that the only sign language we know is the finger. Well while on vacation this past week, I realized the worst people in New York aren't the New Yorkers, it's the Goddamn tourists!

In the past week I saw people pushing and shoving to get to the exhibits at the Bronx Zoo (the gorilla and tiger exhibits were the worst, I had to get a little rude myself and hold a spot so my son could get up close and get pictures), forcing their way into both elevators and trains as soon as the doors opened before letting people off.

In one memorable encounter, people shoved their way into an elevator at the Museum of Natural History before anyone could get out, one of the people getting off turned to the rude assholes and said, "You know, most people let people off an elevator before getting on!" But his complaints fell on deaf ears as the people in question didn't even speak English and just laughed at him. I wanted to punch each and every one of them.

Don't even get me started on the lines at the MetroCard machines in the subway, I wanted to shoot people at those damn things. Look, if you have no idea how to use the MetroCard machines, take a walk down the block to where there's still a transit worker in a booth and let them explain it to you instead of buying five individual cards for $2.25 each!

I angrily (and loudly) berated rude people at the NY Aquarium, who never bothered to look where they were going (someone nearly ran over my mother with their stroller, without the kid in in thankfully, because they weren't looking where they were going... and then looked at my mother like it was her fault. If it wasn't for the fact that this blind asswipe was someone's parent, I would have been sorely tempted to punch them as hard as I could, repeatedly), and kept bumping into other people because they wanted to get a better shot, well guess what fuckstick, I wanted a fucking picture too, and you just ruined my shot, so, *bump* let me ruin yours by moving right back to where I was. The words "Excuse me" and "I'm sorry" were nowhere to be found in these encounters.

Then there was the Hellspawn at the Transit Museum in Brooklyn. Little wild untamed monsters with no parental supervision (and as bad luck would have it, some kid was having a birthday party there too, so there were more wild little animals running around than usual... all hopped up on cake and punch), not that the ones with parents were much better. Allow me to explain.

At the museum there are the cabs of busses where kids can sit and pretend to be driving the bus. I liked doing it when I was a kid, but I knew when it was time to get out and let some other kid get a chance. Not this one little entitled shit (who looked to be about 4-5). She sat in the bus pretending she was driving, having fun... until it was time for her to get out. Cue tantrum, and mommy gently trying to get her out. Cue sonic screaming fit. Cue me, my mother, my son, and another mother all giving this woman and her child the death glare.

This woman the whole time is trying to get her kid out of the bus, the little girl screaming "I don't wanna! I wanna drive the bus! I wanna drive! No, I don't wanna stop!" and there's mommy, still quietly and nicely trying to get her selfish screaming kid out of the bus (by now two more parents had joined the glare brigade). Mind you this kid had been in there for at least 20 minutes (when we had first walked into the area), all I wanted were a couple of quick pictures of my son in the bus. My mother walked up and said as nicely as she could "You need to let other kids have a chance." (or words to that effect), to which ineffective mommy replies "No, it's okay. I'll take care of it."

Are you fucking kidding me lady? You've been "taking care of it" for nearly ten goddamn minutes! Just yank your screaming genetic mistake out of the goddamn bus and let the line of four other kids have a chance. Finally after ten minutes of screaming and this woman's failure to realize that she - not her crotch monkey - was in charge, FINALLY got the brat out of the bus after a half hour of monopolizing the damn thing!

By contrast my son went in, sat down, I took two pictures of him, boom he was in and out in under five minutes. That might have something to do with me being a parent first and a friend second. I haven't even talked about the kids that were down on the platform running in and out of the vintage subway cars, screaming and yelling like the untamed idiots they were, no parents or supervision of any kind to be found.

Other than that, I had a ton of fun on my well-earned vacation. But now it's back to the daily grind. To any other RHUers who get a chance to get away from it all on their vacation, I hope you have a good a time as I did on mine, and don't let the asshole tourists ruin your vacation and enjoy not having to deal with idiot, entitled crust7s, spineless managers and corporate bullshit.

--NC Tony

 

The Bieb Gets Marked Down

From NC Tony: Mrs. NC saw this at work and snapped the pic. I still think it's too much.

 

Sometimes nice customers get free stuff

Hey all, NC Tony here with a little change of pace.

I know there have been a lot of submissions of complaining custys who get free shit when they throw a fit and act like assholes. I have a story where a customer  -- yours truly -- got free stuff, because I was nice.

The other night, a pizza commercial came on, and as suggestive advertising works, the missus and I immediately started craving pizza. I got changed, grabbed my wallet and car keys and headed to the Little Ceaser's down the road.

Now, for those of you that don't have a LC nearby, the way it works is they have cheese and pepperoni pizza's ready and sitting in a heater, since those are the two most common kinds of pizzas people order. The 'za is only$5.55 each, extra toppings are $2.00 for each extra topping. Mrs. NC likes mushrooms, so I walked in and ordered a pepperoni pizza and a mushroom pizza. I knew I'd have to wait a few minutes for the 'shroom pizza to be made.

Now I'm not sure if I didn't make it clear or if they heard me wrong, but they only gave me one box. Inside was a pepperoni and mushroom pizza. I nicely explained that I had wanted a pepperoni pizza and a mushroom pizza, two separate pizzas. It was a little loud, and the girl that took my order was new, so like I said, I don't know if I just didn't make it clear, or if she just heard me wrong.

I gave her my receipt in case they needed to void the sale and re-ring it. She went and talked to the manager who told her to not worry about it (voiding and re-ringing it) and just go ahead and give me the pizzas I had ordered.

They apologized, I apologized, and I ended up with three pizzas for the price of one. I was willing to pay for the extra pizzas but the manager decided to just go ahead and charge me for the one (the 'shrooms and pepperoni) and give me the other two basically for free.

We ended up giving the mushroom and pepperoni pizza to my mother-in-law because I don't like mushrooms, and my wife and I still have our other pizza's left over, and she (my MIL) said it sounded good. Plus who can turn down free food?

So, sometimes being nice also gets you free stuff.

--NC Tony

 

ESPN Columnist Asks Parents To Step Up and Disciplin Their Bratty Children

 

From NC Tony: With all the posts about Hellspawn, I figured everyone would appreciate this article. Interview with the reporter is above.

Article from CNN.com:

CNN Editor's note: LZ Granderson writes a weekly column for CNN.com. He has just been named Journalist of the Year by the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association. He is a senior writer and columnist for ESPN The Magazine and ESPN.com, and a a 2010 nominee and the 2009 winner of the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation award for online journalism. Follow him on Twitter: @locs_n_laughs

Grand Rapids, Michigan (CNN) -- If you're the kind of parent who allows your 5-year-old to run rampant in public places like restaurants, I have what could be some rather disturbing news for you.

I do not love your child.

The rest of the country does not love your child either.

And the reason why we're staring at you every other bite is not because we're acknowledging some sort of mutual understanding that kids will be kids but rather we want to kill you for letting your brat ruin our dinner.

Or our plane ride.

Or trip to the grocery store.

Or the other adult-oriented establishments you've unilaterally decided will serve as an extension of your toddler's playpen because you lack the fortitude to properly discipline them, in public and at home.

And we know you don't discipline them at home because you don't possess "the look." If you had "the look," you wouldn't need to say "sit down" a thousand times.

If you had "the look," you wouldn't need to say much of anything at all. But this nonverbal cue needs to be introduced early and reinforced diligently with consequences for transgressions, just like potty training. And whenever a kid throws a temper tantrum in the middle of the shopping mall it's just as bad as his soiling his pants to spite his parents, and it stinks just as much.

If you had 'the look,' you wouldn't need to say 'sit down' a thousand times.

I have seen a small child slap her mother in the face with an open hand, only to be met with "Honey, don't hit Mommy." I have seen kids tell their parents "Shut up" and "Leave me alone" at the top of their lungs -- and they are not put in check. I shake my head knowing it's only going to get worse from here.

If I'm sounding a bit judgmental, I assure you I am not alone in my judgment.

Remember that couple that was kicked off an AirTran flight for being unable to control their 3-year-old back in 2007? The child threw a tantrum, refused to get in her seat and delayed the flight by 15 minutes. In a subsequent interview with "Good Morning America," the mother talked about how much more understanding the passengers were compared to the crew that removed the family. That may be true -- but I'm also willing to bet plenty of passengers were happy to have a much quieter flight. An AirTran spokesperson estimated 95% of the 9,000 e-mails the airline received were supportive of taking the family off the plane, according to MSNBC

Responding to complaints about crying babies keeping people awake, Malaysia Airlines decided to ban infants from first class in some of its flights.

I don't know about you but I would gladly support an airline or restaurant that didn't make someone else's yelling, screaming, kicking offspring my problem.

And there are kid-free cruises and resorts for a reason.

Children are wonderful but they are not the center of the universe. The sooner their parents make them understand that, the better off we all will be.

This is the part of child-rearing people don't like to discuss, because socially, it's not OK to dislike kids. The ugly truth is it's the spineless parents who parade their undisciplined children around like royalty that make people dislike kids.

Parents who expect complete strangers to just deal with it are not doing anyone, including their children, any favors. They are actually making things worse. Not only are their children allowed to interrupt social events and settings when they are young, but they often grow into disruptive forces in the classrooms later. And nobody likes them for that.

I covered education for years and one of the biggest complaints from teachers was about the amount of time they spent disciplining students. Their threats were empty because parents sided with their kids. And, of course, the use of corporal punishment in the classroom is seriously frowned upon, and even punished.

Spanking is not a cure, and should not be the first resort, but I don't think it should automatically be taken off the table when dealing with small kids. We're so preoccupied with protecting children from disappointment and discomfort that we're inadvertently excusing them from growing up.

A young child slapping his or her parent's hand away in defiance is not cute, it's disrespectful. In my house, growing up, that would have earned much more than "the look" from my mother.

If I sound a bit old-school, I am. If I'm coming across as a bit of an ogre, so be it.

As a parent, I can empathize with how difficult raising children can be. There are challenges, especially within the framework of divorce, when parental guilt can sometimes blur what should be the best decision.

But I don't believe making a child's wishes top priority is a demonstration of love. Nor do I believe I, or the rest of the world, should act as a surrogate parents for somebody's bad-ass kids.

You wanted them, deal with them.

via www.cnn.com

Double D Coworker Hell: Dumbass And Douchebag All Rolled Into One

Hey kids, NC Tony here again.

I've been meaning to send this one in for a while.

Today allow me to tell you about my restaurant job and the dumbest fucking person I ever worked with.

For the sake of argument we'll call her Lisa, and she was as dumb as a box of hammers... no, forget that, at least hammers are useful. I used to wonder if her parents had any children that lived. She made Kelly Bundy from "Married with Children" look like Stephen Hawking.

When she first was hired, two things (alright three things) were evident. She was a very beautiful girl, and all the genetic material that was supposed to go into her head went to her chest instead. She was 18 and had the chest of a porn star, which she made sure to accentuate by wearing shirts that were at least one size too small (all servers had to wear white button down dress shirts) so she couldn't button the top two buttons, showing off a generous amount of cleavage. Yes, this rock stupid girl was a server.

Now instead of making this an ultra long post about every stupid thing she did (this post would be longer than Freeman's book, and I can't remember it all anyway) I'll limit it to just two. Just to give you an idea though, she would walk up to people in mid conversation, and with NO IDEA what the hell they were talking about, would try to get in on the conversation, didn't get most of the jokes we told, and just said stupid things out of left field.

Now as you all know, being a server requires a decent memory. You have to know what's on the menu, how much it cost (basic math skills), who ordered what, any changes that were made, who had what to drink when you swing by for refills, and generally know your shit. Lisa did not have a decent memory, she never wrote down her schedule and almost always forgot when she was supposed to be in (she would glance at the schedule, swear she had it memorized, and either be late, or not show up at all). She also had the most atrocious handwriting I have ever seen. I've seen toddlers with better handwriting. Luckily for the cooks, the orders were sent in to the kitchen by computer and printed out. She also couldn't spell. I'm not even talking about server shorthand, I mean she spelled words phonetically. No, I'm not kidding.

This brings me to story number one.

She had recook ticket. These were pink tickets we used exclusively for recooks (not used very often, only if it was an honest mistake on the part of the server), these were not put in through the computer, but handed directly to the cooks. This leads to another problem, Lisa would take food from off the line without checking to see if it was hers (the tickets were RIGHT NEXT TO THE FOOD!). So she comes in and grabs a steak. Not only does she not check the ticket, she didn't know the difference between Fillet Mignon and a New York Strip. So she wrote up a pink ticket for a recook after the customer took a couple of bites of the steak before realizing A) it wasn't Fillet Mignon, and B) it wasn't cooked the way they wanted. So the kitchen gets a recook ticket for a -- I really wish I were making this up -- a "filay minyon". This was one of the few times her handwriting was (mostly) legible. The cooks got such a kick out of it, it was shown to all the other servers.

Situation number two.

With many complaints filed about her performance, one of the managers finally took her aside and had a talk with her. It was during a dead period between the lunch and dinner rushes. The manager took Lisa aside at an empty table at the bar, I was standing at the host stand which was about 2 feet away from the table where they were seated. I noticed them out of the corner of my eye, but didn't really pay any attention, I was busy watching the TV over the door, reorganizing the seating chart as servers were cut, cleaning the front doors, changing the specials board and sweeping. I almost forgot they were there. This is important.

That night Lisa's mother comes in. Turns out Lisa was sent home (I didn't even notice her leave), and told her mother that the manager yelled at her, cursed her out, and even hit her! Mind you, I was TWO FEET away from them most of the time, and even forgot they were there because I couldn't hear their conversation. Not only did I back up the manager, who was getting the third degree from Lisa's mother, but the bartender, the other servers and of course the other two managers all stood up for her.

Mom was even more pissed when she realized her daughter lied to her, and mumbled "I'm going to fucking kill that girl" as she stormed out.

Lisa was fired a week later after no-showing two shifts in a row.

Her total time working there?

Three months. Frankly most of us were surprised she lasted as long as she did. We guessed it was her tig ol biddies that kept her there that long.

--NC Tony

 

Parking Lot Manners: Custy's Rudeness Proves To Be Karmic

NC Tony here with a short but funny story of instant karma biting someone in the ass.

Now, there have been various submissions here about idiots and shopping carts (mainly people being so fucking lazy they can't be bothered to walk five feet to put their cart in a corral and instead just leave it in the middle of the parking space where it either takes up a space or rolls off and hits someones car), but what I saw the other day may be the best form of revenge ever.

I had just pulled into Wal-Mart and as per usual there was a full parking lot, I pull into a spot and directly in front of me is an SUV, to the right of the SUV is a woman loading her bags into her car (her car was facing out, meaning she wouldn't have to back out of the space), and when she's done, she leaves the cart and gets in her car.

Now the parking lot is on a slight angle, so the cart leans with the slope, resting against the drivers side of the SUV in front of me, just as the owner comes back. He looks at the cart, and the woman in the car next to him (she's still getting herself adjusted), takes the cart like he's going to put it in the corral (which is two spots away to his right, my left), and instead parks the cart in front of her car, gets in his SUV and drives off!

The look on her face was classic, I really wish my phone had a camera, I would have loved to get video of this for you guys! You wanna talk about a WTF look, this was it! I got a good laugh out of it, and the woman now had to get out of her car, move the cart, and even then she put it NEXT TO the corral, instead of in the corral (an extra two steps), all the time looking pissed off that someone dared to call her on her rudeness! As I walked into Wal-Mart, still chuckling to myself, all I could think was "Serves you right! I wonder if Freddy will give a Retail Balls award to this guy, whoever he may be?"(ABSOLUTELY!!)

--NC Tony

3 Tales of Retail Hell: Bagels, Books, and Scaredy Cat Custys

Hey all, NC Tony here. I've been meaning to submit these for a while, but a family emergency kept me busy for the past couple of weeks.

Anyway, here are three stories from the past that I wanted to share with you, in chronological order.

Restaurant Hell:

The oddly named Bleeker Street Bagelry (oddly named because it was in Downtown Charleston, SC, on King Street) where I was a server is where our first story takes place.

One day I'm waiting on an elderly couple, I had just walked up to the table and was doing my usual greeting. Out of the corner of my eye, I notice movement.

Thinking it's another server, I glance up ready to move out of the way, as it turns out it was a friend of mine who worked a couple blocks away coming in to pick up a to-go order. "Oh, hey." I say, as I move to let him pass, and turn my attention back to my table.

A few minutes later (after I dropped off their food) the manager (who for some reason hated me) calls me off to the side and tells me that my table complained because I "stopped taking their order to talk to my friend".

WTF? I had gotten as far as "Hi, my name is NC Tony, how are you folks doing today? (notice my friend, move so he can get by) Oh, hey. (turn back to the table) What can I get you folks to drink?"

I said all of two words to my friend, moving so he could get by me, and turned my attention back to my table. Sure, maybe I shouldn't have said anything, but it's not like I turned away from the table and said "Hey, man, how are you? How's everything going, did you get that problem with your car fixed? Is the party still on tomorrow night? Did you hear about Joe and what happened with him and his girlfriend last week? They broke up."

I tried to defend myself, but he kept cutting me off and told me not to let it happen again.

I quit a month later and moved onto...

Bookstore Hell:

I've mentioned in the past how I worked at a calendar store, from November to February. The calendar store was the satellite location to a Waldenbooks. Both were in the lobby of a hotel (opposite ends of the building).

Many of the employees who started with the store were called in a couple of weeks early to help with stocking (yes, we were paid), moving small bookshelves and setting up window displays. The store actually opened in the summer, and since it was right next to the hotel doors that led to the outside, we kept the store doors opened to let the air in (since the central heating and air hadn't been turned on yet).

The door was blocked by a big sign that read COMING SOON in big green letters with the actual date underneath. In order to get in, you literally had to squeeze past and move the sign.

So a week before we open, we're taking a break sitting around bullshitting. Keep in mind the door is blocked by the COMING SOON sign, several shelves are still empty, the window displays are half done, the registers have just been hooked up, empty boxes are flattened in a neat pile between the registers and magazine racks, the magazine racks are empty, and we're sitting around on the floor in dirty jeans and t-shirts. This woman pushes past the sign, walks in and looks around at the half finished store, the group of us sitting on the floor talking and then asks the mind numbingly dumb question...

Guess what she said?

Go on, guess.

If you guessed "Are you open?" you get a cookie. My manager, bless her heart, didn't have the heart to flat out tell this woman she was a moron, but instead said, "No, we open in a week, just like it says on the sign you pushed past to get in."

Then the woman comes out with this gem, "Oh, I didn't see it."

You didn't see it?! The sign is five feet high, blocking the door so you have to MOVE IT to get past it, says COMING SOON in BIG BOLD GREEN LETTERS, and you didn't see it?

You may facepalm now.

And finally, from my current job,

Ad-set Hell:

During the holidays as you all know, stores stay open later, and sales happen pretty much every other day. This happened around mid-December.

I was scanning signs in the intimates (lingerie) department. Now of course the RF guns beep whenever we scan a sign. I'm going through in my usual pattern, scanning and beeping, and there's a lady looking around, just by mere coincidence I happen to be right behind her. I move around her and continue scanning, thinking nothing of it, it happens all the time, I politely say excuse me, move around the custy and continue my work.

A few moments later we're on opposite sides of another fixture, again, I pay it no mind, I'm used to working around customers, I move around the fixture and am again standing next to her.

Then I get this, "I'm nervous, I feel like you're following me. You're scaring me."

Now, other than saying "Excuse me" to her just a few moments ago, I had barely even glanced at her. To me she was just another faceless custy. I was actually stunned for a moment.

Finally I said, "I'm sorry if you feel that way, but I'm not following you. I'm just doing my job, and just by coincidence we happened to cross paths."

She quickly left, and I again shrugged it off.

I'm not a scary looking guy (at least I don't think so), nor am I physically imposing, so I don't know what scared her about me. I did see her talking to one of the managers as I continued to scan, pointing at me.

The manager never came to talk to me, so I suppose she just assured the woman that I was doing my job, and was not in fact following her, and was not a threat.

Either that or promised to talk to me later to ease this woman's mind. I know it's not very exciting, but it was just weird. Usually when I'm scanning around customers there's usually the joke of "Let's get this now before they raise the prices!" or questions of "Is the price going down, is it going on sale tomorrow?" Never any complaints of feeling like they're being followed, and being scared of me.

Anyway, that's all for now.

--NC Tony

Photo Lab Custy Pushes Limits at Hellmart

Wow... just wow.

This is another one from the Missus. As stated before she works at the photo lab at Wally World.

One of her last customers of the day was using one of the do-it-yourself instant photo machines. If you've never used of one of the machines it basically walks you through the process. This guy had trouble finishing up the process (which it shows you how to do about 4 or 5 times). She said he also was looking more and more nervous as the process went on.

That's not the Wow part. As my wife was looking through the pictures most of them featured a naked woman in various poses. Some of them showing off all her goods, some of them were borderline pornography (as in, if she had been turned just so...).

The basic decency rules are no nipples and nothing south of the waist.

In the end she was only allowed to give him 16 of the 39 pictures he made. He then asked her if there was anywhere else where he could get the remaining 23 pictures printed. She assured him that no one else would be willing to print them.

The kicker?

The machines are all facing the main aisle of the store where a Kinnect demo unit is set up and who wants to stop and try out the Kinnect?

That's right... kids.

This guy couldn't figure out how to use the machine, and was using a machine that at any given moment a little kid could have walked by and seen the pornographic pictures he was printing out.

Some people.

--NC Tony

 

 

NC Tony's Manner Rant

From NC Tony:

What the hell ever happened to common courtesy? I know I'm preaching to the choir here, but it just pisses me off that words like "please" and "thank you" have all but disappeared from the English language... ESPECIALLY in retail! Is it so fucking hard to add an extra word or two to your daily interactions with other human beings? That is, if you can get off your fucking cell phone long enough to talk to the flesh and blood people around you.

Over the last three or four days I have seen people grunt their way through transactions in retail, fast food, and at the help desk. Cases in point:

At the gas station a few days ago, customer in line in front of me: "$18 on 8." (puts the money down and walks out without waiting for the cashier to confirm it).

Cashier: He can wait. What can I do for you?

Me: Can I get $20 on six please?

Cashier: Sure thing.

Me: Thanks.

See? Was that so fucking hard?

At Barnes and Noble, there was the typical "I'm looking for a book, it's by this guy, it's got a blue cover" custy there, and then there was me. "I'm looking for "And Another Thing", it's the sixth book in the "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" series."
Help desk (types it into the computer): Yep, we've got it, follow me.
(Takes me to the book.)
Me: Sweet. Thanks.

And last night at KFC:
After I ordered there was the customer behind me.

KFC slave: Hi, how are you?

Guy: (grunts something)

KFC slave: Is this going to be here or --?

Guy: No... to go.

KFC slave: What can I get for you?

Guy: Gimmie 20 hot wings.

Really? He grunted "Gimmie 20 hot wings." Whatever happened to "Can I have an order of hot  wings?" or "I'd like an order of hot wings"? I would have said something, but this guy was built like a fucking tank. Easily a foot taller than me (and I'm close to six feet), and shoulders like a linebacker. But seriously, how much effort does it take to be nice and add a couple extra words to your interaction with people? Especially people handling your food.

I know you, my fellow RHUers, take the time to be pleasant, smile, say "Please" and "Thank you" to the retail slaves who get treated like shit by every other asshole customer that tromps through their workplace everyday.

Just needed to vent.

--NC Tony

NC Tony's Self Scan Rant

I know that the self-scan registers are a bone of contention here.

I also know that despite the fact that the thing talks to you and has on-screen directions people still have no idea how to use the fucking things, but what I saw last night takes the cake.

I was making a late night run because we were out of a few essentials. I head up to the self-scans figuring I could still get in and out quickly.

No such fucking luck.

There are four self scans and they all have lines. And of course there is one rude bitch who has a cart full of shit way over the 20 items limit. I chose the shortest line with only one person, thinking it won't be so bad.

Again, no such fucking luck.

The dingbat couple in front of me hit the debit card button... and then try to put cash in the machine.

*facepalm*

Look around, nope, other registers still being used. Instead of looking at the screen (and the button that says "Cancel payment"), they had to call the cashier over to hit the button for them.

Then they hit the "cash" button, and put in half the amount in cash, then they wanted to put the rest of the money on their debit card. So they had to call the poor cashier over again.

By this time, another register was clear, so I grabbed my shit and headed over there. In the time it took these morons to split their payment between cash and debit, I scanned all my stuff through and was out the door.

If you need to split your payment like that, use a regular cashier! That's what they're there for! (Mrs. NC reminded me "That would make sense!")

How many times do we have to say it: IF YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO USE THE SELF-SCAN THEN DON'T FUCKING USE IT! I swear, every time I go to Wal-Mart my faith in humanity slips a little bit.

It doesn't help that when I pulled in, a cart was in a parking space, literally two feet away from the cart corral.

--NC Tony

 

Discount Rat Bitch Encounter

So this story comes from Mrs. NC.

She was at work when this woman comes up with four cocoa butter swivel sticks (they're kind of like lip balm).

Apparently the items in question were 2 for $3 at Target (she works at Wal-Fart).

My wife knows this because the woman said this about 57,000 times.

Over and over and over and over again.

My wife had rung her up by this point and the woman again stated "I said those were 2 for $3 at Target!"

Mrs. NC: Ma'am, I have no control over the price, whatever the price on our display is, is how much they are. Do you want me to price match?

Picky Bitch: Well isn't that what you people do here?

Mrs. NC: Well, yes, but only if you have the print ad so we can compare it.

She said that other Wal-Farts gave her the price match without the print ad.

Mind you at this point the sale was rung up and the woman had not yet paid.

My wife offered to cancel the transaction, to which picky bitch replied, "Well no, I still need them."

And then the words that every retail slave dreads "What's your name?" and then asked to speak to a manager at customer service.

So the woman paid and went up to the customer service desk.

All over a $1.37 difference.

I don't know what happened after that and no one came to talk to my wife, so I'm hoping they told her to STFU and GTFO.

--NC Tony

 

 

Funny Lawyer Commercial Spoof

Found by NC Tony. Maybe they can offer services to Retail Slaves!

 

Tony's Gift List For Retail Slaves 2010

NC Tony here with "Things I Wish We Really Had". This stems from the wish list of pretty much every retail slave.

These gifts will be good all year round.

Spines: These will be given out to all managers who side with the asshole customer instead of the sales associate who is only following orders, only to have the asshole manager ignore company policy and give the asshole customer what they want.

Managers who already have spines will be upgraded to a set of balls of steel.

Cell Phone Killers: These will be installed in cash registers. When a customer is within five feet of the register the signal will start to break up, if they have not gotten the clue, then at two feet the signal cuts out altogether dropping the call, no matter what carrier you have. There is no app for that.

Age Specific Pacifiers: For hellspawn of course. If parents don't bother to bring something to keep their kids occupied, then depending on the age of the child, something is given to them to keep them from running around, destroying the store and annoying the other customers. Something cheap, it might break when they get it home, but while they're in the store it'll keep them from being hellspawn. Well behaved children will be given something cool.

Shopping Carts: But not just any shopping carts, well behaved customers will find their shopping carts run nice and smooth.

Rude, nasty customers will find that their carts are always wobbly, at least one wheel spins around like there's a windstorm going on three inches above the ground, the cart leans to either the left or right, and every now and then lets out an ear splitting squeal. How will this work? Remote controls carried by all store personnel, it looks like a car remote (or built into your name tag). Simply aim it at a cart and hit the button when a customer turns into a crusty.

AI Alarm Systems: This will be a voice activated system that will let security know exactly what the customer looks like when a theft is suspected. It will be available in a variety of voices, all of which are loud and obnoxious. They will work hand in hand with the new AI security cameras that track suspicious customers, so not every customer who's merchandise was accidentally not deactivated is accused of theft.

AI Security Cameras: As stated above, these will track suspicious customers who may turn out to be NATs. They will also watch for customers who put stuff back wherever, or place their empty cups, soda cans and other trash on shelves instead of in garbage cans. It will also call them out:

"Hey, Vinnie Slobarino! There's a garbage can three feet to your right/left/behind you! Use it!"

"Is that where you got that? No? Then put it back where you found it!"

AI Cash Registers: Along with the ability to kill cell phone signals registers will also do what cashiers can't do... talk back. When customers start arguing prices, or just being a general pain in the ass the register will speak up!

"Yes, ma'am, I know the pants are 50% off, it'll be taken off at the end of the sale, now shut up and let the employee get back to work."

"Hey, slow down there flash! Keep your coupons until the END of the transaction, s/he's only got two hands."

"The money goes in the cashiers hand, not on the counter."

"Hey stupid, don't put the money on the belt!"

"Hey stupid, don't put your kid on the belt, this is a department/grocery store, not an amusement park ride!"

They can also scan ID's to let you know if they're real or fake.

Clue By Fours: Whenever a customer starts acting like a grade A douche, the sales associate can take this stick and whack the customer in the head. It will knock a little common sense into the customer to make them realize that they're being an idiot, and in most cases shut them up so the rest of the sale goes smoothly.

Mandatory sales floor work for corporate: Black Friday. All regular sales associates get the day off to spend with their families. Also every weekend in December and the week after Christmas.

Alternate versions will be made for those who work in phone sales/tech support (if a customer swears at you three times the call is automatically terminated) and food service (the register/server's order book will record each order so when the customer argues "That's not what I ordered" you can play back their order to prove to them that it is in fact exactly what they ordered).

So... what'd I miss?

--NC Tony