This story was originally posted on: January 21, 2011
Queer Geek again with another rant to share.
Now I have been in the retail industry on and off for ten years and never have I experienced something SO HEINOUS, SO IMMORAL, SO UNETHICAL, SO VILE that it makes my skin crawl just thinking about it. I’m talking about CUSTY NECROPHILIA!
Yes folks, this type of kinky fetish exists! I know you’re as shocked as I was to discover its existence but apparently it is quite more common that you think. Everyone is capable of doing it. It could be your neighborhood, your creepy uncle, your gynecologist, and even your local homeless crackhead! CUSTY NECROPHILIA is quickly gaining momentum as the it thing to do.
What is CUSTY NECROPHILIA you say?
I’m sure you are familiar with the Kate Perry song I RAPED A CORPSE AND I LIKED IT because technically that is what fucked up custys literally do. They find a dead relative; whether it is their mother, father, grandmother, eccentric old aunt, family friend, or even their elderly neighbor break into their home; raid their closets, find old clothes still with tags on them, and return them to stores for cash.
These CUSTY NECROPHILIACS haven’t waited until the body has turned cold before they hit up stores with their bags of ancient clothes hoping to hit the motherload by trading them for cash!
The worst part about this is that they target the companies who have this 'return everything here' policy and sadly the store is forced to take it back despite the protest of the employee with a conscience.
Unfortunately, I happen to be that retail slave with a conscience that has to deal with it. The sad thing is how these custy necrophiliacs admit their guilt to me doing it with a smug sense of satisfaction that I often dream of beating their heads against their victims’ coffins just for the karmic retribution of it. Here’s just one example of one such corpse banger:
Custy Necrophiliac: (brings in countless bags of old clothes to return) Hi my grandmother and mother died in a horrible car accident and I went into their closets and found these old clothes still with tags on them. I want the cash back on these.(TRANSLATION: I molested my dead family members to get this ugly shit so give me my money or else!)
Queer Geek: (looks through smelly, mothballed clothing and gags) Um sir, these items are outdated from the 70’s and 80’s. We no longer carry these items. Sadly, paisley disco shirts and tuftskin bellbottom polyester pants are out of fashion. We are unable to return these.(TRANSLATION: I don’t care if you boinked all your dead relatives to get these ugly ass clothes! FUCK OFF!)
Custy Necrophiliac: WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN’T RETURN IT? I KNOW YOUR COMPANY! YOU TAKE EVERYTHING BACK! (TRANSLATION: Yes I did the nasty with their mummified corpses in order to get me some money. Now return my shit now!)
Queer Geek: Certainly we try to be fair with everyone concerning our return policy but in all honesty we cannot accommodate you concerning items that have been obsolete for a certain length of time. Clothing and styles lose value over the years and these items are not worth anything. Truthfully, we wouldn’t be able to honor the original value since the system no longer recognizes this merchandise. I can’t even give you a fair price on these because the system will not take it. Might I suggest consignment shops or vintage stores that offer to buy clothing? They do accept old clothing.(TRANSLATION: No way I’m hell I’m returning some dead person’s clothes! God would punish me!)
Custy Necrophilia: I WANT MY MONEY! GET ME YOUR MANAGER! (TRANSLATION: I didn’t get post mortem syphilis to come up empty handed.)
With a heavy sigh, I call a manager (my angelic savior) who informs the custy necrophiliac the same thing I just told him. WE CAN’T RETURN OLD CLOTHES! Custy Necrophiliac is not having it and throws a fit to which the manager finally submits, processes his request but gives him a much lower value than what the clothes were originally worth. This does not sit well with the custy necrophiliac. Oh no, the greedy bastard wants more!
Custy Necrophiliac: $50 BUCKS? THAT’S IT? I KNOW THEY PAID THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS FOR THESE THINGS! (TRANSLATION: My medication for the STD penicillin cost more than that!)
Manager: That’s all we can give you! As we noted, these clothes are no longer worth anything because they’re really old. Items do devalue over time. Take it or leave it! (TRANSLATION: FUCK OFF YOU SICK FUCKER AND ROT IN HELL!)
Custy Necrophiliac: Fine but I want your name and number. I’m calling the company president! (TRANSLATION: I’ll fix you. Why does my crotch keep burning?)
In the end the Custy Necrophiliac leaves and his threat as usual falls on deaf ears. We never did hear from the corporation regarding his issue but the vicious cycle of corpse sexual assaults continues as newer custy necrophiliacs take their place.
Custry Necrophiliac 2: Hi, my great grandmother died and she had all these old clothes from the 1960’s still with tags on them. I want to return them for cash…..