So let's all thank those bastard programmers at Yahoo for digging up fucking gems like this:
Savvy Strategies for Seven Shopping Problems
They make the lives of every Retail Slave a living fucking Retail Hell!! You can click the article title next to my pic to check it out, if you want to see what I'm bitchin' about here.
But if you are too tired and sick to death of the hideous Retail Hell Day you just had - no worries, you don't have to read it, I'll just give you the cunty-cliffnotes in a nasty nutsac-shell.
This is a long rant my Retail Slave Soldiers..but bare with me, my rag needs to be unleashed. We must stop this Shopping propaganda from spreading and adding fuel to Retail Hell's fire.
The savvy-suck article in question was written by a lame-ass website called RealSimple.com and Yahoo is re-posting it. All I can say is RealSimple is just making my retail life a REAL PAIN IN THE FUCKING ASS! I am so pissed off I'm levitating over my cashwrap counter and vomiting pea soup right out my ass.
They come up with this fancy-smancy title with the highbrow word Savvy tossed in front of the word Strategies trying to make it sound like you can be Sarah Jessica Parker without a Hollywood stylist. I don't think so shopping bitches! Savvy Strategies is only a nice catchutitle for those asshole customers.... Dickheads.
RealSimple.com's first tip comes from some butthole who wrote a book about smart women finishing rich - whatever! Maybe if they return all those Prada shoes...Anyway he says to "Pay Cash" so you won't be tempted to buy more with a credit card - his words of wisdom are next to a picture of an Asian chick looking at a dress with a fucking credit card in her hand! LMFAO!!! Seriously! Did the Yahoo people even read the article?
Yes.....Pay cash. That one is a good one considering all the credit card fees
they pile on stores. So I must agree with the butthole author for once. As long as the bitch isn't paying with some bullshit counterfeit bills or throwing ones and fives at me! This only makes me boil with Retail Rage... and trust me, you don't want to see Regan in a Retail Rage!
Then the Real Simple people talk about "Avoid 'Buy one, get the second one half off' sales"....COME the fuck ON. Please don't tell people this! Customers really have no idea they're fucking themselves
until YOU tell them! Jesus H. Christ!!! At least let us slaves have some kind of edge!!! Granted...there
WILL still be stupid customer idiots.. but you're making people SMARTER by doing this.
And there's a reason that stuff is buy one, get the second one half off...we have too much of it and need to get rid of it!!!....Ohhhh the humanity....I think I'm going to send Beelzebub to file a complaint with Yahoo! He has ways of making them listen.
"Shop during the middle of the week" and "Wake up
early".....yeah thanks Real Simple Shitheads. During the week is our time to do the bullshit we
can't do on the weekends. Such as shipment, floorsets, floorset changes.
CHANGES to the changes to the floorsets changes. How the FUCK do you expect us
to do it if Yahoo! is making more people shop during the week. AND telling them
to shop early.... Bahhh. I don't know about you...but mornings are my favorite
time. We usually get a very few number of customers. It's so nice.. you can do
your bullshit paperwork and get other shit done. I doubt very many people will take this tip because if you're rich enough to shop whenever and wherever you want, trust me, you're also sleepin in!
"Avoid the mall".... Why... Thank you! Bwahahahahaaaaa! Avoid the
mall you heathens! Yesssssss. Stay the fuck away from me!! Yes that's a Savvy Shopping statement. Don' go to a store! They also mention some bullshit about getting better service in a boutique...ummmm...WRONG assholes..One of the advantages about being a Boutique Retail Slave is you can get away with not giving any service at all while you chat on your cell. It's your world, there aren't twenty Droids breathing down your neck. You do whatever the fuck you want!
The next part in this fucking godforsaken piece of
shit article made me so angry my head began spinning and my eyes started to bleed:
"Problem: You're shy about asking for a discount"
"Solutions: Don't be shy. Ask for a
discount on anything you buy - but not for a specific amount off," said
Kristina Matisic and Anna Wallner who wrote some dumb-ass book about shopping tips, "Instead, leave things open-ended by asking, 'Can you
give me a better deal?'" "If your salesperson isn't authorized, you
may have to ask the manager," says Matisic. If you find a slight flaw or
damage - or even if the product's packaging is mangled – you may be
entitled to a discount, says Jona Kessans...
OMFG!!!! At my counter you may also be entitled to a complete ass-beating with a plastic pant hangar from Regan on a Retail Rage when you keep annoying the fuck out of her! Who are these bitches?
Ask for a discount on anything you buy?....ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS? I'M GAGGING ON GREEN BILE RIGHT NOW! IT’S JUST NOT RIGHT! THIS IS NOT A FUCKING GARAGE SALE! I DON'T OWN
THE COMPANY AND I DON'T MAKE THE RULES OR DECIDE WHEN SHIT GETS MARKED
DOWN! AND IF I DID GIVE YOU A DISCOUNT I'D BE FIRED FASTER THAN HOLY WATER COULD BURN YOUR NAME INTO MY ASS!!!
C'mon now RealSimple Skanks....You just do NOT encourage people to be
cheap fucking dickheads! They do this on their own! Honestly! I have had to
tell people "Sorry, we do not haggle here." For real. Ohhh
man... saying "Can you give me a better deal" is like asking for that hanger up your ass. Forcefully. No lube included. UGH....
YOU DO NOT UNDER ANY
CIRCUMSTANCES, HAGGLE AT A FUCKING STORE. OR AT ANY STORE. AT ALL. KAPEESH?
As if asking for discounts wasn't enough RealSimple.com kept right on truckin through Retail Hell, adding more bullshit like this: "Wait until the store has a major sale, when most items are already
discounted 20 to 30 percent. After convincing the clerk or manager
that you're serious about a larger-than-normal purchase, request an additional
10 to 20 percent discount to close the deal. "If she won't discount the
items further, ask her to throw in shirts, shoes, ties, or socks at no
additional cost," says Wayne Tate, who, after 25 years of practicing law,
has mastered the art of negotiation in and out of the courtroom."
I WANTED TO FUCKING SCREAM when I read that! Excuse me? Throw in
something extra at no additional cost? How 'bout my ring covered fist
in your face? How 'bout that Mr. Lawyer.
If you're making a large
purchase......MAYBE I will give you a current coupon or some bullshit to make
you happy. Definitely if you are a frequent shopper and an extremely nice one
at that... but god help me in NO fucking way shape or form am I going to just
"throw in" shirts...shoes...ties...or even socks...I don't plan on going to jail and losing my job cause you want a pair of free fuckin socks. I have nothing
more to say about that. That just makes me sick to my stomach. Considering I
have Lucifer inside me, that's pretty hard to do! –dry heaves-
Hey I have a great idea! Let's also
encourage people to look for "flaws"... Yes.. That's just lovely!
I once had this Customer come up to
me and point out that INSIDE the cardigan, there were a few catches in the
fabric... Mhmmm. I saw them yes.. But INSIDE.
If you looked on the outside.. you saw NOTHING. Are you going to fucking wear
this inside out? You fucking cum guzzling piece of shit.
And then there's a bit about wanting something off a mannequin.. totally not true. People
are not patient enough for "We'll call you once we take the mannequin
down." or "Can you wait while I call the display people to strip it." Are you serious? I have never in my life said that to a customer.
You know why? They want it. They want it... NOW GODDAMMIT! If you are busy or
don’t let them have it...yup....they'll just take it down themselves. Even when
they're 6 feet up on a wall. I have seen MANY a naked mannequin in my days. All
female mannequins might I add. If I see a nude male mannequin I know the
culprit.. the bitchy cunt of a wife. Men will NOT strip mannequins in my
experience...Men are by far better shoppers than women. HANDS down. I will
argue that to the end! Sure.. you get some asshole men.. but the majority is
women. You know it. Don't deny it.
The last part of the article is about of the article is about Customer Service of course and of course they fucking rag about it irresponsibly saying “Good service is hard to come by.”
I am pretty much
speechless and having to chock back my nasty yellow phlegm. That’s how mad I am. Obviously these RealSimple Yahoo bitches have never worked in retail and they
have no fucking idea about the shit that we Retail Slaves put up with on a daily basis. Good service is NOT hard to come by
whatsoever. Good customers who are nice and sane are the HARDEST to come by...And I'm nice to everyone who is nice to me (except maybe when I'm on my Retail Hell period, but that's not my fault).
They also state: “In fact, many of the salespeople interviewed here - even
some who work on commission – revealed that when asked to look in the back
for an item, they will only pretend to do so, unless the customer refuses to
back down.”
First off, nobody would really admit to that and second....
I have only “pretended” to look when the customer didn’t
believe that I didn’t have what they wanted out back... for chrissake I want to sell something!...and listen.. when you’ve
been at a store for 5 years... you KNOW the fucking backroom inside and out
bitch. You all know what I’m talking about. It’s like you have a photo of the
backroom in your mind. You know, right next to that part of your mind where you
see yourself choking the sonbitch. So when a customer says “Do you have these
capris in a whale size?” I can look at that photo and know that we don’t have
anymore and say “No ma’am we don’t have anymore of those.” But the customer
will insist and insist on me checking. “Are you sure? You should check. Are
you sure?” So I go out back and kind of chill for a few minutes.. get a
snack... a drink.... an AK-47 and go postal on the mothafuckas. What in Retail Fuckin Hell?!!!!
Here's what I think those shitsticks at RealSimple.com and Yahoo! need to address:
The REAL Seven Shopping Problems:
1. Shoppers and their rude-ass douchebag manners.
2. Shoppers having no patience, common sense, or human decency.
3. Nasty Ass Thieves stealing everything, writing hot checks, and using stolen credit cards.
4. Shoppers wanting everything for free.
5. Shoppers making a fucking mess out of the dept.- ruining clothes and breaking things.
6. Shoppers with little time who get all pissy when they have to wait 3 minutes.
7. Shoppers who think I'm Harry-fuckin-Potter with a magic wand making wishes come true.
Until those savvy internet skanks focus on these shopping problems..
This Retail Whore is out like a fat fuck in dodgeball,
*Regan