Retail Hell Underground

Customer Reject

The lovely Regan spotted this Custy Reject. Jelly-Bones anyone?

Shopping Carts In Bondage

Pic by Regan. What the hell are they doing to those carts and why?

Urban Dictionary Retail Definitions

Regan did a little "Retail" research on our favorite website Urban Dictionary, and this is what she found:

Words we all know....but may not know the TRUE definition of...

Retail:

One of the shittiest profession...One that causes much depression, psychosis, anger, jealousy, frustration, and anxiety. It is extremely degrading. They never pay people what they are work; the workers have to deal with a bunch of crap while getting paid peanuts.

UD examples:

I had to go to therapy after working in retail for a decade.

People treat me like I'm stupid because I work in retail.

I work at a retail job where people don't get raises, but instead there's a shitty "Employee of the Month" reward.

I work in retail; therefore, I cannot afford to pay back my student loans or take nice vacations.

Regan's example: Yes, I work in retail...Shut the fuck up.

Customer:

An incredibly stupid person. Therese people are often found in department and grocery stores and show no signs of common sense. Many times they can be rude, cruel, and obnoxious.

UD example: This store has too many horrible customers ruining our job.

Regan's example: Freddy...can you go tell that customer that our waste baskets are not for pissing in? Thanks a bunch.

Shopping:

Going to a large chain store (Wal-Mart, K-Mart, Target, ect...) and filling a cart with as much crap as possible, only to abandon it somewhere in the store.

UD example: Hey dude! I went shopping at Wal-Mart today. Somebody's gonna be doin their job today.

Regan's example: Hey, let's go grocery shopping, they don't mind finding random shit on shelves and having to sort through it all at the end of the day.

Manager:

A sadistic prick who suffers from the delusion that they are a "businessman" or "business woman" with a busy career when in reality they are just another back liner who got promoted via strategic ass-kissing. Loves to treat everyone below them like crap, then complains to their friends that their busy "career" is just so stressful.

UD example: Me: *works ass off in 120 degree heat in kitchen*
Manager You're gonna have to fill in for the deep fryer today. Do u know how to do it?
Me: no I-
Manager: WHY THE HELL NOT??????? ROAR ROAR ROAR ROAR!!!!

Regan's example: I'm just an employee...ya know, no biggie...I only do all the work so that my manager can get all the fucking credit.

Employee:

A slave with a paycheck.

UD example: I am an employee of my boss.

Regan's example: I'm just an employee...ya know, no biggie...I only do all the work so that my manager can get all the fucking credit. (yes, I repeated it on purpose)

Associate:

What a company call their cheap-labored employees to make them feel like they are important when in fact they don't mean shit to them because they have no power at all.

UD example: I can' believe that the largest company in the world still calls their $7 slaves "associates"...like they have something to do with the company's management.

Regan's example: We just hired a new associate. Now we have someone to give the bitch work to. Sweet.

Return:

An act of taking merchandise usually stolen back to the store it came from in exchange for a gift card.

UD example: You can only do so many returns in a sixty day period at Wal-Mart on the same driver license number. Go get a state ID card and were back in business.

Regan's example: Yes, I'd like to return Wii, and all these fantastic games with it. No, I don't have the receipt. My chinchilla ate it.

Shoplifter:

Winona Ryder.

UD example:UD example: Since the young man was caught Winona Rydering, he was banned from the store.

Regan's example: That smelly old skany fat bitch tried pulling a Wynona on me today!

Retail Therapy:

Intensive shopping for nothing in paticular that can lead to large credit card bills and inevetibaly immense debt or los or property.

UD example: My girlfreind went for some retail therapy the other day because her best mate called her fat and now we have a $3,000 credit card bill and can't apy our mortgage.

Regan's example: When rich bitchy desperate housewives don't get pootang for a whole day from their pool boys they have to go for some retail therapy at Gucci and Prada and spend their husband's well earned dough.

Retail Therapy is also and awesome blog and you should all be checking it out!

One that I hadn't heart before:

Promoted to Customer

Slang amoung retail workers for being fired.

UD example: You are about to be promotoed to customer.

Regan's example: I wouldn't mind being promoted to customer. Then I could fucking trash the place too!

Last but not least...

Quit

What you really want to tell your boss.

UD example: No I don't have that report ready but I did want to tell you, I quit

Regan's example: In a Retail Hell worker's mind, quit is the sweetest word in the English vocabulary.

Now it's your turn Slaves - pick a retail word and make up your sentence in comments!

Retail Hell Register Fun

Regan had it a little fun with the registers on the last day of her store closing...

Store Closing Pet Peeve Customer Questions

When your store is closing there are even MORE Customer pet peeves than usual.

Normally there is a shitload.

But when your store is liquidating everything, at dirt cheap lol, there's a shitload and a half more pet peeve Customer questions.

Let's take a fucking gander at some, shall we?

 

"Is your store closing?"

Now...this may be a valid question. But...when your store is down to about 5 thin walls of merchandise, it's an annoying question. My boss even said once... "Now what would make you think that!?!?" Haha. Love it. Friday, a guy said to my boss..."So you're closing huh??" with a dumbass grin. My boss says to me "You wanna take this one?" I looked at the guy and said "Nope, I'm done answering stupid questions." He stopped fucking grinning. There's only so much stupidity one person can handle..

 

"How much is this?"

Or, if they cannot speak English, they sort of wave the shit in your face with a confused look...

Ok, how much is this....that can be an annoying question because when there are shitloads of signs stating that the ENTIRE STORE IS $4.99 WITH NO EXCLUSIONS, it's kind of hard NOT to get annoyed. Honestly, I'd like to say "How much is this? Why sir...it's full price. Didn't you know? It's opposite day! Like in that Spongebob episode! Yes!"

 

"Can I return this? So there are no returns?"
Once again, POSSIBLY a valid question. But if you are a customer and know ANYTHING about stores closing...you will know 99.9% of the time we will tell you NO. NO! NO! NO!

This is even MORE obnoxious when there are 418 ALL SALES FINAL signs plastered about the store. In strategic places...such as the cash wrap where you are checking out and asking that very dumbass questions...such as...the fitting rooms. Can't get much clearer!? If you want to return something that you purchased for $4.99, you will likely get your throat fucking slit by me. MMkay?! I have gotten into many fights about this ALL SALES FINAL thing. Like it's so fucking hard to get. "But I bought this before all sales were final." Sure, we probably could've taken her shit back but ya know....NO! Lol.

 

"Wow, what a deal! You should be giving ME money. Har har har!"

You're not the first to try to be funny.

You're not the last.

SHUT THE FUCK UP.

 

"Are your roll racks for sale?"

Because of the fucking signs that say FIXTURES FOR SALE. Which technically...a rolling rack is NOT a fixture lol. Technically! But anyways. This annoys me because every day all day people are asking. Even if we did put up a sign that said NO WE ARE NOT SELLING ROLL RACKS. People would STILL fucking ask. Why in hell would we sell them to customers first and not other stores in the mall? Stupid fucks. Go to fucking Walmart and buy a cheap plastic one. SAME FUCKING THING. Douchebags. The other fixtures, they don't even want to pay anything for them! They are expensive ass heavy ass mofo fixtures and they want em for dirt cheap. Ugh. I hate haggling. I really do. Whatever. The shit doesn't go, it goes in the fucking dumpster. Or the scrap yard. Bahahahaha >=) a little extra bonus for moi? Hah.

 

"Why are you closing?"
Nunya. That's why. N-U-N-Y-A FUCKING BUSINESS BITCH! EVERYone thinks it's "because of the economy". They just assume. I wish people would think before they speak. Ever think that maybe stores do close for other reasons? Such as they just don't want to be part of the company any more? A lot of stores are licensed through companies. Whatever... people aren't smart enough to actually think. They just see a store closing and think O MY GAWD, THE ECONOMY IS SO AWFUL RAHRAHRAH. Well it's NOT actually! People are DEFINITELY spending money in the malls. Fools.

You know what happens when you assume!!!

 

"Is your store just moving to a different location?"
Yeah you dumb fuck. We're moving next door......so we're LIQUIDATING our entire stock for FIVE DOLLARS you fucking douchebag. If we were "moving" wouldn't we "move" the fucking stock we have? Instead of getting rid of it for nothing!? OMG! PEOPLE JUST DON'T THINK!!!!!!!!! Seriously! This is an epidemic!!!!

 

Last but not least......

"Where will YOU be going?"

At first I was irritated that all the customers would react after they realized we were closing, in this manner...

"Oh no, where will I shop for my teaching clothes?"
"This is my favorite store! I come here at least once a year..."

"Oh that is just GREAT. GAWD."
I was like... what the fuck? Where will you SHOP? Where will I WORK!? For reals! But then you know, after a while, people started actually being concerned with where we were going. Either "concerned" or just fucking "NOSY"...or they wanted to stalk us at the NEXT crappy store we were going to. So now when people ask where I'm going and if I'm going to another store I tell them I'm retiring from the malls. I tell them I just can't stand it anymore. Usually they just smile politely and leave. Then I get some people that actually understand how retail is. Those are the nice customers :)

That's how I will leave my rant. On a nice note for once!
Only because I'm fucking DONE with this god forsaken mall. Again.

BAHAHAHAHAHA WOOP WOOP *does a jig*

 

 

Sleep tight my little Retail Sluts Whores and Droids,

Xx Regan

Store Closing Retail Hell

These are a few random pics I took with my cell phone on Saturday afternoon.

Two days before we are closing our doors for good.

I know it's not TOO bad....there have been worse. BUT it is pretty gross lol. In pic 4 I uncover a huuuuuuuuge pile. Ugh. This all took me probably 45 minutes to go through and re hang and put on a rack to put back.

All the while I'm stuck back in the fitting room doing this I become..... the Fitting Room Whore. EVERYONE and their mother's brother wanna try shit on. And these 3 people were in the same rooms for like 30 minutes. It was crazy. We only have 4 fitting rooms! One is handicapped (but not noted on the door-stupid!) so I NEVER let people in there.

So everyone's getting pissy and impatient. Including me. I'm yelling at people in the fitting room (this one in particular had THREE lovely "northerners" in it...TINY ass fitting rooms we have!)... "IT'S FIVE DOLLARS, JUST BUY IT ALREADY!" And customers are giggling.

Yeah, did I mention...entire store 4.99!? Ugh. The last day is 2.99! If we have anything left to sell.

Then I knocked on a door to see if anyone's still in there and what's the cunt do? She knocks back on the door. Hard. Fucking bitch.

So what do I do?

Walk away. Come back. Knock again.

She knocks again. Lol.

I can only be amused at this point, honestly. I think all my anger has been let out really. A person can only hold so much anger for a limited time I think lol.

So tomorrow is the last day. I don't have to show up until we close.

But you know what? For anger sake lol.....I think I will go in early and not even clock in, but just wander the store and be a dickhead to the SFCs.

Bahahahaha. Give it another go shall we!?

I hope the associates tomorrow are smart enough to take a pic with their cell phones of anything note worthy lol. Since I won't be there. Teehee. What a fucking shame!

 

Oh go sit on it,

Xx Regan

Fitting Room Nightmare

Fitting Room Spycam of Piggy Shopper Aftermath sent in by Regan. Her store is closing and just went to 80% off. Seriously they should just leave the shit on the floor and let people shop from there.

Store Closing Retail Hell

Our store is closing at the end of the year. So basically every customer I get every day asks the same fucking questions. You can see how it would get annoying to answer every single one of them. Hence our snotty FAQ sheet we have taped on the cashwrap.

SO anyways... this Sunday I got into a little tiff with one of our much loved "Northern" customers. And I don't mean Northern US lol. (If you live near the North border ANYWHERE and you work in an outlet mall you will SO know what I'm talking about lol. It's not just all of em. It's certain ones...)

ANYways.. I was straightening a rack of pants near the dress shirt department when this guy asks me a question. Here's kind of how the convo goes...

SFC (Stupid Fucking Customer): Do you have anymore 17.5 34/35's?? Out back I mean.

Me: (thinking Out Back is a steakhouse) Nope.

SFC: So is everything out then??

Me: Yup.

SFC: Are you guys closing or something?

Me: Yup. (kind of annoyed to be answering the same fucking questions for the umpteenth time that day..)

SFC: *walks away and laughs under his breath* Well, that was helpful. *shit-eating grin on his face*

Me: *walks right up to him and says* EXCUSE ME?????

SFC: Oh nothing. It's just that you weren't really helpful. You gave me no eye contact at ALL.

Me: (thinking OH WELL excuuuuse me for not GAZING into your eyes, shit!) I answered your questions didn't I?

SFC: *says something to the effect of how horrible our customer service is*

Me: Honestly...we're closing, so I could care less.

SFC: OH, so that's why your customer service is so bad.

Me: Yup!

SFC: *to wife* They're closing honey, and they don't care, that's why their customer service is so bad.

WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU DUDE???? Get off your high fucking horse! Seriously! If he even KNEW what it was like to be in my shoes at that shitty store...... He has NO idea.

I wish people would think before they spoke. Honestly. His wife looked embarrassed too. Then they proceed to take apart like 9 dress shirts.

If you work with dress shirts, you know how many pins and how much packaging they fucking use to put together one shirt!!!

So I have this PILE of papers and pieces of cardboard and pins pins pins all laying on top of my dress shirt table in a HUGE pile. Not to mention there are some near the fitting room where his piggy wife is taking them apart.

On the floor with her 2 kids.

Yes of course they have kids.

And what do the kids do? Pick the pins up and start sticking them through a hangtag, making them look like fucking weapons.

I had to pick one up that actually had blood on the back of the hangtag. Good job you fucking sped. I hope you cut yourself good!

Meanwhile I am picking it up with a piece of the tissue that was stuck in a dress shirt bag saying "I don't get paid enough to pick up things with BLOOD on them" and "People are disgusting" while a customer is next to me looking at me like I'M the bitch.

Ha! I don't want any diseases for pete sake!

I wanted to break open their little necks and spew down them.

Have you ever heard someone say that retail is the BEST birth control? It totally is.

What a lovely day in my little outlet hell :) I think I'll go vomit now.

Regan

Black Friday Gripe

Happy Thanksgiving to all my retailicious Slaves! Hope you are all gorging the shit out of yourselves, because tomorrow at 3 AM Hell starts for most of us!

But then there are some of us who have to fucking work today!! WTF?!!!!!!!!!

What better way to spend Thanksgiving? I know! Going into work on Thanksgiving Day at 11 p.m. to do something hellish called "Midnight Madness"! YES! Of COURSE I'd rather come into work after I've devoured 4 helpings of turkey and potatoes rather than curl up on the couch with my loved one!

WORKING ON THANKSGIVING IS FUCKING RETAIL BULLSHIT AND THE STORE EXECS THAT DECIDED TO RUIN OUR HOLIDAY NEED TO HAVE FROZEN TURKEY'S SHOVED UP THEIR ASSES!

And tomorrow......Black Friday is called BLACK FRIDAY for a reason. The whole damn day is fucking black for us retail employees. Big black clouds rolling over us.

You think Black Friday is bad? How about Black Friday when you're store is CLOSING. 100 times more bullshit stupid ass fucking questions and 100 times more dickheads.

Declined Credit Cards

"I LOVE how customers look at you when their card is declined like WHAAAAAAAT? HOW COULD YOU? I just give them my you-are-a-stupid-fucking-overspending-idiot look back."

Staring Customers

"Why do people stand near the fitting rooms and just STARE at you, as if you can read their fucking minds that they need a goddamn room!?"

This Week on CSI: Shopping Cart Murder

RHU's Regan took this shot of a Shopping Cart down...strangled by yellow caution tape. Perhaps Gil and Sara can figure things out.

Regan's Retail Hell Quarter Niners

So as I'm listening to my neighbors upstairs FUCKING for the upteenth time today I am reminded of how sometimes we get fucked at our lovely retail hellholes :) The lovely 2-10 shift first of all. Gotta love it. Especially on a Saturday. Oh joy!

So it is pretty much dead from 7 p.m. on. Until about....oh I'd say...8:45? Yeah.. we close at 9. Ha! Lovely. So these two fat cows come in at about 8:45 and I see they have like literally....about....25 pieces of clothing each? They are headed to the fitting rooms at 8:56. LOVELY. Fucking lovely. EIGHT FIFTY SIX? Fucking blow me Quarter Niner bitches! You are NOT getting your fat asses in and out of those clothes in 4 minutes and cashing out. Especially TIMES TWO! They are tee-hee-in and gigglin and saying shit like "Oh, we might need some accessories too! Teehee teehee!"

My associates and I are gritting our teeth and smiling painfully and trying not to break a fucking hanger in half and slit their fat cow throats with it. Mind you, we had EVERYTHING done. Except for the last couple registers I had to, and deposits and what not. We would've been out at like... 9:15. Instead of fucking TEN.

So one of my associates finds a polite way to tell them that we have been closed, without actually saying "Hey bitches, we be closed. Scram."

So the stupid heffer is like "Oh...you're closed!?!?"

Noooo. Duh? So 9:20 rolls around. They're finally cashing out. They spent way less than a hundred bucks between them. NOT worth my 20 minutes if you ask me. Actually, no, it would've been....about 35 minutes total. Yeah. Definitely not. I was so hoping they would at least buy 3/4 of what they fucking took it. Stupid fucking cunts. I clock out at 9:50something. So much for the quarter after 9 finale I planned on. The fucking Quarter Niners ruined that.

Then I come home to fight with a stupid fucking fly that will NOT leave me alone for 20 minutes. You know, those retarded ones that just fly and fly and fly in circles and you canNOT seem to swat them? Kind of like customers....Huh. The clothes would be the "shit" that the "flies" are attracted to. Huh!

OH and tomorrow on my day off I am so lucky, I get to drive around God's country to look for used boats because the old man just NEEDS a fucking boat. (Good thing HE doesn't work on a fucking retail salary!) What's even better is that he gets to drag my happy ass around to do that but he won't go with me for like 30 minutes to one of the biggest fucking book sales around! It's the last day of it. Books are fucking therapeutic to me after a shitty day of Retail Hell. They're all I have! To be around thousands of them would put me in a fucking Zen like trance. At least I would be semi-happy for a bit..
Ha! I killed the fly! Go me! *Does a jig*

I hate people -_-
Regan

4th of July in Retail Hell Sucks Stars and Stripes

The Fourth of July is upon us. Right around the fucking corner. And who will be working it? Me. You. EVERYONE OF US RETAIL SLAVES. And you all have the same managers... they post the fucking bulletin up about absolutely not requesting holidays off, etc. etc. God I fucking hate managers. They will totally get the CAKE shifts. As usual, right? They’re usually out back doing “paperwork” ALL FUCKING DAY. ANYways. That’s a whole other rant!

The biggest thing I hate about retail is working holidays. You know, I didn’t really mind it when I first started almost 7 years ago. Because I was young. And dumb. And full of fucking cum. I got some time and a half, or double time, and holiday pay, etc. etc. But now it seems as I’m getting older I’d like to have the fucking holidays to myself and my loved ones. Fuck holiday pay. Fuck time and a half. Just makes it so Uncle Sam can rape you harder in the ass. That’s all. Especially if you’re getting paid bi-weekly. They rape you so hard!

I have worked every fucking holiday for the past 7 years. I was the one to ALWAYS get nominated to work the shitty holiday shifts. Like “Oh, she doesn’t have anything better to do. She’s a loser. Let’s make HER work.” Bah. Fuck you all. Did I mention managers BLOW stinky monkey cock?

So of course, my other half is getting THURSDAY-SUNDAY off at his job. Of course. Thursday to fucking Sunday. That’s insanely sweet! That’s how factories are. They fucking give their people ALL the good shit off! I get one stinkin day off this holiday weekend.

I love to chill and grill too dammit. I want to dance naked with my sparklers and piss of the neighbors. I want to get completely annihilated and puke horrendous chunks in my yard. On the neighbors car. Etc. etc. I want to smoke cigs until my lungs explode. Yes. Oh yes. But I will not be able to. Fuck you retail giants for being open on holidays. And Sundays. (Once again. A whole other rant there!)

And all those fucking people I will see this weekend will make me even pissier. Because you KNOW that they could be spending time with their families and not driving their fucking gas guzzling Hummers and SUVs all the way out here to East Bumfuck. (And we ARE in East Bumfuck...we have pig farms nearby and we’re built on A FUCKING SWAMP!) But NOO instead they are at the fucking OUTLET MALL. On a holiday weekend. I can’t even fucking afford gas to go to the fucking outlet mall for my shitty job. Jesus.

And you know.. the sales really aren’t THAT great either. They never are. They just make so much fucking hype about them that people say “Oooh. Look at that 30%-50% off select merchandise. I must go! Oooh. Up to 70% off.” Ahh shut the fuck up. There’s ALWAYS an “UP TO” sale going on. Even on non-holidays you fucking imbeciles. And that 70% off will be one fucking rolling rack. Or one measly wall. Customers are getting swindled left and right. They’re so easy.

We happen to have a shitty holiday sale at work. And I’m glad too. I hope people bitch about it and fucking LEAVE! Bwahahaha. We had better sales on the non-holiday days then on holidays. Stupid fuckers don’t know any better!

So for all you Retail Slaves working this weekend. I salute you.

If you get a chance, take a few shots of Tequila for me PLEASE. Worm and all.

Happy Fucking Holidays,

Regan.

Yahoo! and RealSimple.com Can Kiss My Fat Retail Whore Ass!

So let's all thank those bastard programmers at Yahoo for digging up fucking gems like this:

Savvy Strategies for Seven Shopping Problems

They make the lives of every Retail Slave a living fucking Retail Hell!! You can click the article title next to my pic to check it out, if you want to see what I'm bitchin' about here.

But if you are too tired and sick to death of the hideous Retail Hell Day you just had - no worries, you don't have to read it, I'll just give you the cunty-cliffnotes in a nasty nutsac-shell.

This is a long rant my Retail Slave Soldiers..but bare with me, my rag needs to be unleashed. We must stop this Shopping propaganda from spreading and adding fuel to Retail Hell's fire.

The savvy-suck article in question was written by a lame-ass website called RealSimple.com and Yahoo is re-posting it. All I can say is RealSimple is just making my retail life a REAL PAIN IN THE FUCKING ASS! I am so pissed off I'm levitating over my cashwrap counter and vomiting pea soup right out my ass.

They come up with this fancy-smancy title with the highbrow word Savvy tossed in front of the word Strategies trying to make it sound like you can be Sarah Jessica Parker without a Hollywood stylist. I don't think so shopping bitches! Savvy Strategies is only a nice catchutitle for those asshole customers.... Dickheads.

RealSimple.com's first tip comes from some butthole who wrote a book about smart women finishing rich - whatever! Maybe if they return all those Prada shoes...Anyway he says to "Pay Cash" so you won't be tempted to buy more with a credit card - his words of wisdom are next to a picture of an Asian chick looking at a dress with a fucking credit card in her hand! LMFAO!!! Seriously! Did the Yahoo people even read the article?

Yes.....Pay cash. That one is a good one considering all the credit card fees they pile on stores. So I must agree with the butthole author for once. As long as the bitch isn't paying with some bullshit counterfeit bills or throwing ones and fives at me! This only makes me boil with Retail Rage... and trust me, you don't want to see Regan in a Retail Rage!

Then the Real Simple people talk about "Avoid 'Buy one, get the second one half off' sales"....COME the fuck ON. Please don't tell people this! Customers really have no idea they're fucking themselves until YOU tell them! Jesus H. Christ!!! At least let us slaves have some kind of edge!!! Granted...there WILL still be stupid customer idiots.. but you're making people SMARTER by doing this. And there's a reason that stuff is buy one, get the second one half off...we have too much of it and need to get rid of it!!!....Ohhhh the humanity....I think I'm going to send Beelzebub to file a complaint with Yahoo! He has ways of making them listen.

"Shop during the middle of the week" and "Wake up early".....yeah thanks Real Simple Shitheads. During the week is our time to do the bullshit we can't do on the weekends. Such as shipment, floorsets, floorset changes. CHANGES to the changes to the floorsets changes. How the FUCK do you expect us to do it if Yahoo! is making more people shop during the week. AND telling them to shop early.... Bahhh. I don't know about you...but mornings are my favorite time. We usually get a very few number of customers. It's so nice.. you can do your bullshit paperwork and get other shit done. I doubt very many people will take this tip because if you're rich enough to shop whenever and wherever you want, trust me, you're also sleepin in!

"Avoid the mall".... Why... Thank you! Bwahahahahaaaaa! Avoid the mall you heathens! Yesssssss. Stay the fuck away from me!! Yes that's a Savvy Shopping statement. Don' go to a store! They also mention some bullshit about getting better service in a boutique...ummmm...WRONG assholes..One of the advantages about being a Boutique Retail Slave is you can get away with not giving any service at all while you chat on your cell. It's your world, there aren't twenty Droids breathing down your neck. You do whatever the fuck you want!

The next part in this fucking godforsaken piece of shit article made me so angry my head began spinning and my eyes started to bleed:

"Problem: You're shy about asking for a discount"

"Solutions: Don't be shy. Ask for a discount on anything you buy - but not for a specific amount off," said Kristina Matisic and Anna Wallner who wrote some dumb-ass book about shopping tips, "Instead, leave things open-ended by asking, 'Can you give me a better deal?'" "If your salesperson isn't authorized, you may have to ask the manager," says Matisic. If you find a slight flaw or damage - or even if the product's packaging is mangled – you may be entitled to a discount, says Jona Kessans...

OMFG!!!! At my counter you may also be entitled to a complete ass-beating with a plastic pant hangar from Regan on a Retail Rage when you keep annoying the fuck out of her! Who are these bitches?

Ask for a discount on anything you buy?....ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS? I'M GAGGING ON GREEN BILE RIGHT NOW! IT’S JUST NOT RIGHT! THIS IS NOT A FUCKING GARAGE SALE! I DON'T OWN THE COMPANY AND I DON'T MAKE THE RULES OR DECIDE WHEN SHIT GETS MARKED DOWN! AND IF I DID GIVE YOU A DISCOUNT I'D BE FIRED FASTER THAN HOLY WATER COULD BURN YOUR NAME INTO MY ASS!!!

C'mon now RealSimple Skanks....You just do NOT encourage people to be cheap fucking dickheads! They do this on their own! Honestly! I have had to tell people "Sorry, we do not haggle here." For real. Ohhh man... saying "Can you give me a better deal" is like asking for that hanger up your ass. Forcefully. No lube included. UGH....

YOU DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, HAGGLE AT A FUCKING STORE. OR AT ANY STORE. AT ALL. KAPEESH?

As if asking for discounts wasn't enough RealSimple.com kept right on truckin through Retail Hell, adding more bullshit like this: "Wait until the store has a major sale, when most items are already discounted 20 to 30 percent. After convincing the clerk or manager that you're serious about a larger-than-normal purchase, request an additional 10 to 20 percent discount to close the deal. "If she won't discount the items further, ask her to throw in shirts, shoes, ties, or socks at no additional cost," says Wayne Tate, who, after 25 years of practicing law, has mastered the art of negotiation in and out of the courtroom."

I WANTED TO FUCKING SCREAM when I read that! Excuse me? Throw in something extra at no additional cost? How 'bout my ring covered fist in your face? How 'bout that Mr. Lawyer.

If you're making a large purchase......MAYBE I will give you a current coupon or some bullshit to make you happy. Definitely if you are a frequent shopper and an extremely nice one at that... but god help me in NO fucking way shape or form am I going to just "throw in" shirts...shoes...ties...or even socks...I don't plan on going to jail and losing my job cause you want a pair of free fuckin socks. I have nothing more to say about that. That just makes me sick to my stomach. Considering I have Lucifer inside me, that's pretty hard to do! –dry heaves-

Hey I have a great idea! Let's also encourage people to look for "flaws"... Yes.. That's just lovely! I once had this Customer come up to me and point out that INSIDE the cardigan, there were a few catches in the fabric... Mhmmm. I saw them yes.. But  INSIDE. If you looked on the outside.. you saw NOTHING. Are you going to fucking wear this inside out? You fucking cum guzzling piece of shit.

And then there's a bit about wanting something off a mannequin.. totally not true. People are not patient enough for "We'll call you once we take the mannequin down."  or "Can you wait while I call the display people to strip it." Are you serious? I have never in my life said that to a customer. You know why? They want it. They want it... NOW GODDAMMIT! If you are busy or don’t let them have it...yup....they'll just take it down themselves. Even when they're 6 feet up on a wall. I have seen MANY a naked mannequin in my days. All female mannequins might I add. If I see a nude male mannequin I know the culprit.. the bitchy cunt of a wife. Men will NOT strip mannequins in my experience...Men are by far better shoppers than women. HANDS down. I will argue that to the end! Sure.. you get some asshole men.. but the majority is women. You know it. Don't deny it.

The last part of the article is about of the article is about Customer Service of course and of course they fucking rag about it irresponsibly saying “Good service is hard to come by.”

I am pretty much speechless and having to chock back my nasty yellow phlegm. That’s how mad I am. Obviously these RealSimple Yahoo bitches have never worked in retail and they have no fucking idea about the shit that we Retail Slaves put up with on a daily basis. Good service is NOT hard to come by whatsoever. Good customers who are nice and sane are the HARDEST to come by...And I'm nice to everyone who is nice to me (except maybe when I'm on my Retail Hell period, but that's not my fault).

They also state: “In fact, many of the salespeople interviewed here - even some who work on commission – revealed that when asked to look in the back for an item, they will only pretend to do so, unless the customer refuses to back down.”

First off, nobody would really admit to that and second....

I have only “pretended” to look when the customer didn’t believe that I didn’t have what they wanted out back... for chrissake I want to sell something!...and listen.. when you’ve been at a store for 5 years... you KNOW the fucking backroom inside and out bitch. You all know what I’m talking about. It’s like you have a photo of the backroom in your mind. You know, right next to that part of your mind where you see yourself choking the sonbitch. So when a customer says “Do you have these capris in a whale size?” I can look at that photo and know that we don’t have anymore and say “No ma’am we don’t have anymore of those.” But the customer will insist and insist on me checking. “Are you sure? You should check. Are you sure?” So I go out back and kind of chill for a few minutes.. get a snack... a drink.... an AK-47 and go postal on the mothafuckas. What in Retail Fuckin Hell?!!!!

Here's what I think those shitsticks at RealSimple.com and Yahoo! need to address:

The REAL Seven Shopping Problems:

1. Shoppers and their rude-ass douchebag manners.

2. Shoppers having no patience, common sense, or human decency.

3. Nasty Ass Thieves stealing everything, writing hot checks, and using stolen credit cards.

4. Shoppers wanting everything for free.

5. Shoppers making a fucking mess out of the dept.- ruining clothes and breaking things.

6. Shoppers with little time who get all pissy when they have to wait 3 minutes.

7. Shoppers who think I'm Harry-fuckin-Potter with a magic wand making wishes come true.

Until those savvy internet skanks focus on these shopping problems..

This Retail Whore is out like a fat fuck in dodgeball,

*Regan

Regan's Outlet Mall Nasty Ass Thief

I've come across a lot of assholes while working at the Outlet Mall. It's amazing the kind of scum that crosses your path. Actually, it's not amazing. We've seen and heard it all haven't we? Still sometimes I am saddened that the human race is so fucking ignorant and deceiving. OK, race has no importance in this story, but I just wanted you to get the whole picture. Might I add...I do not discriminate...I hate everybody equally. I really do. I don't care if you're white, black, yellow, red, purple, pink glitter. Whatever. If you give me shit, I HATE you. If you look dirty, I hate you. If you are a welfare-moochin mother fucker that sits on their ass all day and does nothing, I hate you.

Back to my story...

I was actually having a decent day at work. It wasn't too busy for once and I was working with my favorite associate, Jessie and we were havin' a blast shooting rubber bands at each other.

Then this fuckin enormous and kinda dirty black woman comes in the store pushing her (I assume) mother in a wheelchair. They shop around for a while. Although she is literally scuzzy and gross looking, I am pleasant. Isn't that our job? She smells...like old cheese...or something. I can't really pinpoint it, but it took everything in me not to spray her down with some Jessica Simpson perfume from a nearby clearance table.

Finally she comes up to the register with some clothes. By the way, I have to add, doesn't it just irk you when some fat bitch comes up to the register or fitting rooms with shit that is 5 sizes too small for her? Someone who is like...200lbs will buy a fucking size 8 and I'm thinking...WTF? I weigh much less than you and I'm a fucking size 10 you cunt!

So I'm cashing the stinky pig out (I almost puked) and I tell her the total. I think it was like...30 something dollars. She intended on giving me 2 twenty dollar bills, but she only pulled out 1 and was like "There."

I'm thinking...What? What you mean "there"? That's not enough. WTF are doing you dirty douchebag?

I say, "This isn't enough, it's 30 blah, blah, blah..."

She says, "Wait...I had another twenty there."

I say, "Umm, no you didn't ma'am."

Here we go. I FUCKING HATE IT when people do this!

She says, "Yes I did! You must've taken it!"

WHAT?!? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? Don't accuse me of taking your fucking slimy money. That is one thing I do not take kindly to!

I showed her my tiny pockets on my pants and said, "Where would I have put it!?"

She says, "Well, you have it somewhere..."

I say, "I don't have your money!"

Oh my fucking God! I could've jumped over the counter and choked her fat fucking neck.

So what does Stinky Bitch do? She pulls out another twenty and pays for her shit. She knew I wasn't going to fall for her Nasty Ass Thief scam.

And was she ever pissed off that she didn't get something for nothing...just like every other asshole thinks when they walk into my store. "Can I have this for ten cents? It should be discounted more." Shut the fuck up!!!!

So Stinky is dragging her mother through the door when she yells loudly, "I know she took my money." Then they were gone.

I was fucking furious. I ran up to the door, opened it, and screamed, "I DIDN'T TAKE YOUR FUCKING MONEY, YOU FUCKING BITCH. I DON'T NEED YOUR FUCKING MONEY. IT PROBABLY CAME FROM MY FUCKING PAYCHECK ANYWAYS, YOU FAT FUCKING STINKY- ASS DOUCHEBAG!!!"

The Nasty Ass Stinky Thief hobbled down the sidewalk pushing her comatose mother while screaming away and flailing her blubbering arms and what not. When she was out of sight, I closed the door and Jessie was laughing hysterically. Once again Regan's Retail Hell drama was the afternoon floor show.

The fact that I didn't hear any complaints from Corporate or the mall office told me I was right. She was just trying to scam me. Fucking dirty bitch.

That's it for now. I'm fucking tired. Beat to shit. The customers were pigs today.

I need to go levitate with a beer.

Regan

Regan's Retail Exorcisms: Regan Snaps

Hey Retail Slaves! It's time to meet our newest Underground Blogger, Regan, a Retail Whore that tells it like it is. You also don't want to piss her off. Pictures to follow soon. In Regan's first post at RHU she tells how a customer made her snap:

It was a disgustingly busy Saturday at the Outlet Mall......again.

My manager was cashing out a lovely woman (sense sarcasm yet?!) and her mother. She had just completed her sale. Apparently this bitch was giving my manager a hard time and so she made me take over! The store manager couldn't even deal with her?! I knew it had to be bad...

"Oh great", I thought. "Just keep your mouth shut and we won't have problems, Regan.." Easier said that done, right?

As soon as I stepped up to the register I swear the woman's eyes lit up. She looked fucking evil... I thought I saw a pitchfork...but I tried to ignore it.

She said to me... "These pants are marked 30% off, but your signs say the entire store is at least 40% off."

Lovely...someone was doing price changes and forgot to change those fucking hang tags on the pants. Fucking great.

I was going to change the price of them to make her happy and everything would be fucking peachy....or so I thought.

She then proceeded to bitch and moan about our signage around the store. Saying it was "deceiving" and what not. Simply put..she was being a cunt. Making a huge scene at the registers...

This entire time she is ranting I am so polite and quiet. It was disgusting how nice I was being! I just wanted to get her out of the store before I gouged her fucking eyes out and shoved them up her tight ass.

I said, "Listen...we aren't in control of the signs! We don't go out back and print them off! Corporate is totally responsible for it and I think you should contact THEM about it. Not me. We just do what they say!" Which is entirely true. We, the employees, are like Corporate's dirty bitch. I hate being someone's bitch! Well, unless it's in the bedroom. But anyways. Even after I told her that, she continued bitching me out. She just kept egging me on. She was slowly pushing my buttons and she was just about to hit the wrong one...

So then she says, "I want a refund. I don't want any of this." Yup, she definitely ruined her chances of getting what she wanted.

Well...I guess by that time I had just basically had enough of people's shit. I mean, it was a horrendously busy day and there were people up my ass all damn day. I snapped. Like a fucking twig.

I snatched up her credit card from the counter and threw it at her (Chinese star style) and said, "Fuck you" and stormed off.

Needless to say, it was glorious to say that to someone finally! The woman was so pissed. She was going to "have our jobs". Shit! She would've done me a fucking favor to get my happy ass fired!

In the end...I kept my job. We all did. Dammit..

Now if you can say that to a customer and still keep your job...you deserve a fucking medal.

I want to hear about your own personal triumphs! Even if it ended in getting fired! Tell me about the time you told a customer to fuck off, suck it, or called them a bitch, cunt, fuckass whatever! E-mail me! retailhell@flash.net

Your mother sucks cocks in hell,

Regan