Retail Hell Underground

Store Trainer Rant: Frustration With Getting People To Training

Allrighty y'all!  

I know I've not submitted in eons...partly due to most of my write-worthy shenanigans about the workplace I have felt are too specific to my particular location or individuals thereof and could unhinge my anonymity...and also due to the fact that I've been medicated for a while so more things just waft past my existence without being acknowledged.

HOWEVER!

There are some small, irritating things that have accumulated to the point that I can bear them no longer! I think of them rather like gnats of mosquito's...but really they're just careless coworkers.

Some background for y'all...my prime directive is the training and informing of all the associates and new hires. Whenever corporate tosses down a new absurd policy or procedure, it's my responsibility to make sure that everyone is up to date on what they need to know.
A lot of this involves computer training programs or simple on-line acknowledgments. Not complicated or stressful...though they can be time consuming and VERY boring. Most of the programs are less than 10 minutes long...so not really all that bad. Plus they're done in the back part of the store, away from customers, and you get to sit in a moderately comfy chair to do them.

And yet I get consistant and increasingly argumentative flack from the associates when I ask them, ever so politely, to take the five to ten minutes to work on their required lessons. I understand that they're all busy and that they only have X amount of time to Y amount of work done...but yanno what? The lessons are part of the weekly requirements too. They are expected to be completed just as much as pricing or straightening shelves.

I try so hard to work around their daily duties, trying to catch them right after their break, since the training room is right next door, so they don't have to walk back to that area twice...leaving them a clearly typed note with instructions and a list of requirements so that they can get it done without my assistance when it's most convenient for them, in case I'm not there when they would be most able to do it. I ask nicely, I remind gently, and if it's a longer program I try to arrange for them to work on it in segments over several days instead of needing to take a full thirty minutes to an hour out of one shift to take a longer lesson.

And yet most of the responses I get are an exasperated sigh and a roll of the eyes at the nicer end of the spectrum and flat out refusal to do the work at the worse end.

Yes, that's right, I've had associates flat out refuse to do their lesson work....required by corporate...because they "knew they wouldn't get written up for not doing it"

So I think I'm going to make that all change. They wanna be pissy little babies? So be it...mama's pullin out the Whoopin Paddle and goin old school on y'all.

It is my intention to have a frank discussion with the store manager, and if need be, the district manager (next time they're visiting) and try to put in motion a policy that the associates who don't finish their training by then end of the designated time will receive a write up...three consecutive write ups being grounds for termination. (exemptions being any associates on leave of absence or are away at school for the semester)

I don't' see why so many people are so against doing the training. It doesn't take all that long, ya get to sit down and relax and be away from customers and noise, and, if you ask nice and clean up after yourself, I'll let you take a drink or snack with you...so it's sorta like getting and extra break!

But NooOOooOoOo...they gotta be all grumbly and snap at me for letting them know what needs to be done. And I'm not meaning that they snap at the third or fourth reminder...they snark at me at the first mention of the lesson plans.

And getting department managers involved isn't any help...they refuse to do their training every bit as much as the associates. And I'll ask them to remind their associates of how important the training is and to incorporate it into the daily tasks list, so that it's directed by their manager, rather than by mously little Spritzy, and they never do...I get no help from management (not even the store manager) nor supervisors in enforcing the requirements and then the managers grouse at me when the training reports are incomplete.

It's always so amusing when a manager asks me why the training isn't complete and who needs to finish it, then I look at the list and tell them "well...YOU do...for one" and they can only stammer and mumble that they'll do it later.

So, yeah.,..AaaAaAArrRRrUuUghhhh!

I really hope that the store manager takes my concerns to heart and implements the policy...cause I;m sick of not getting any cooperation and being trampled all over for something as mundane as this.

Peas, Louvre, and Shoulder Cats

--Spritzy

 

Seafood Doohickeys

Don't eat your crab without them! From Spritzy.

 

Ridiculous Hot Pocket Commercial

 

From Spritzy: I saw this hot pockets commercial the other day...it annoys the hell outa me. We all know that those of us who have to work in food service rarely act so giddy and spunky of our own volition.

 

Shopping Carts Get Revenge in Commerical

 

From Spritzy.

Caffeine-Infused Pants: Hot Item or Markdown?

From Spritzy: Saw this crazy news clip about caffinated pants that are supposed to help lose weight...riiiight. Also, the Slimcapsule they talk about sounds really dangerous, even leathal. What will they come up with next? I really hope no one comes into my store asking for caffinated pants...I'd be tempted to just dump my espresso on their crotch...hey! It's a free sample!

 

 

 

Corporate Retail Hell: Asshat Store Managers and Outdated Reports

So...the post the other day sent in by James about the signs not matching an endcap he was changing over reminded me of my own incident in corporate buffoonery.

A main part of my job is to make sure everyone in the store is up to date on their brianwashing...er...I mean training education. We get new propoganda....uh...training topics each month, and are expected to have them completed by the end of the month.

Some of these programs are simple sign-off acknowledgments or quizzes on how much we "love our company" while others are learning programs that are narrated by people who make Ben Stein sound like the guy from those old 80's Matchcar commercials.

Anywho...So it was getting near the end of a month and we had competed a fairly decent amount of the programming, close to enough to be corporate acceptable as complete (about 90%) I was glad that we had so much done, considering what a pain in the ass it is to get people back there to compete it.

One day that week I was walking in to work and had barely passed the entrance, wasn't even clocked in nor put up my coat, and the store manager came up to me and began to lay into me on how poorly we were doing on competing training this month.

I was a bit flabbergasted. I stammered a bit and prayed deep down that this malarky wouldn't make me late clocking in. Cause I know they wouldn't excuse it even if it was the SM's fault I was "late".

I told him that I thought we were almost finished, nearly 90%, and was there some new training that corporate added in without telling us? (Corporate likes to add in new training mid-month, not tell us its there, and still expect it finished by end of month)

He showed me the completion report, which showed all the programs were indeed at 90%...except for one, which was only at 50%. This one training topic only had two people required to take it and one still hadn't done it, therefore, even though there was only one person to take the test, it still showed up as only half done.

I explained that to the SM, who said that was no excuse for such poor completion (uh, yeah it is...and the unfinished one was a dept. manager, so the SM should be ripping into them, not me, seeing as the DptM are the responsibility of theSM for things like that)

So the SM walked me over to the corporate dude who was visiting, who also groused to me about completion of training being vital to the function of our store and how we all need to do our jobs correctly. (mind you I'm still not clocked in at this point) I hastily assure them I'll make sure it's done by the end of the week (I couldn't assure completion that day, in case that DptM wasn't in then) and rushed back, clocked in, and then used the master code to look at the DptM's training system.

Turns out that they HAD completed the training the day before, but the completion report hadn't updated yet to show the accurate numbers.

After I headdesked for about fifteen minutes I resumed my lowly minimum wage drudgery.

Viva La Corporation! *gag*

--Spritzy

Customer Rejects

From Spritzy: Empty soda trays make for perfect custy reject compartments.

 

Spritzy's Classic Christmas Poem

T'was the Night Before Hallowthanksmas

 

An RHU CHRISTMAS REPOST CLASSIC! FROM Spritzy on December 3, 2008. Enjoy!

In honor of some of the common themes heard from the depths of RHU and spurned on by FauxSnow overload as well as a lil' too much caffeine, my late night musings have produced the following:

T'was the night before Hallowthanksmas and all through the store,  cowered the poor retail slaves, the sluts, and the whores. The shelves were all stocked with crap here and there, in preps that dumb customers soon would be there.

 

When people should be nestled all snug in their beds, instead they lined up for the 4am ads. Mom wants a WiiFit and Dad wants a Sox cap, get it right now or they'll most likely snap.

 

Then at the front doors there arose such a clatter, we open the doors and hope not to get battered. Away to the sale racks they flew like a flash, tore open the packages, and threw up in the trash.

 

The gloom of the hours to be worked in this flow are eerily similar to places below. When what to our worrying eyes should appear, but a slobfested trail of eight piggy shoppers.

 

And then the slave driver, er, I mean our dear boss. ordered us to cater to their whims at all costs. More rapid than eagles their orders, they came, they cussed and they shouted and called us bad names.     

Now faster, now quicker! Now cheaper, now free! More coupons and sale match and where's that damn Wii? To top of our patience, to the top of our will. Just dash them all, dash them all! Kill, Kill, Kill, Kill!

 

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly They tear through the store with nary a sigh. So back to the break room we carefully sneak, for just a few minutes of calm and some peace.    
 

And then in a sickening sound I did hear, "Hey you! yeah you, don't you work here?"  I then turned my head and faked a slight grin. and hoped that this guy would not do me in.  

He was dressed all in denim and he smelled like stale beer. his teeth were half missing and he wobbily jeered. "I'm looking for things, you know what they are?" Damn, I left my E.S.P. helmet out in the car.  

After near half an hour of "guess what I want" Up comes another one, fat, rude and blunt. "How dare you! you liar! It says so right here!" "This purse is on sale till then end of the year!"

 

I look and I look and regretfully tell her, we're out of them now and have none here to sell her. "Well, what about this one?" as she grabs at the rack, "My daughter must have this designer mule sack!" I sigh cause I know i say this in my sleep "No Coach bags are on sale (you cheap ass fat *beep*)"  

And now there's a clean up in fitting room two, someone has fingerpainted with their own poo. Cleaning the mess leaves me quite queasy, again to the breakroom to go take it easy.  

But thwarted again at a small chance to rest and the cycle continues the worst at it best. At last my shifts over and I run like the wind, I thought that this nightmare would never end.  

I've got me a date with my pals Jose and Jack, I'll party with them and then hit the sack. And hopefully sleep till this stupidness ends, and I can have a real life with family and friends.

 

Have a  Happy Merry Joyful (Heck who we kiddin, just survive!) Hallowthanksmas everybody!.

 

--Spritzy

"Customer Is Always Right" Buttons

Spritzy's Customer Is Always Right buttons are back! And just in time to go on the stockings of weary retail slaves! Spritzy's buttons define the "real" reason why Custy's are always right and you can get one for only $3.99!!! They make a fun gag gift for your fellow Retail Slaves!

CLICK HERE TO ORDER YOUR BUTTON

 

Destined For Markdown

Spritzy spotted these insane boxer shorts that will definitely be headed to the clearance rack. If the cut-off denim look wasn't bad enough (above) they had to go and add a banana sticking out of the pocket! Bad, bad, bad joke!

And below you have boxers with another lame sex joke: Viagra, Tylenol, and the phrase "Is it time for your medication or mine." Okaaaaay!......are men really going to want to wear something that shouts they take the big V? It is funny how there's 4 viagra pills (which would kill you) and only one Tylenol.

Scary Customer Reject

From Spritzy:

"Looks like they had an eye-poppin good sale on mascara!"

It also looks like a freaky trap set by Jigsaw....

   

Spritzy's 10 Tips On What Not To Wear (To A Retail Interview)

Watch out Stacy and Clinton!

RHU has it's own fashionista team here to critique and criticize the fashion choices of today's Retail applicants.

After being involved in my company's hiring process I've seen all sorts of applicants and interviewees; from smart, sharp suits to just-rolled-outa-bed funkocity.

Now while a Brooks Brothers suit isn't quite necessary for interviewing at a minimum wage position, the effort is duly noted and quite preferred over the opposite end of the attire spectrum...and it is for those on that end of the fashion scale that we are all gathered here today.

I present....Spritzy's What Not To Wear (to a retail interview)

And here we go!

1. Don't wear anything with refrence to any illicit substances or illegal activites.

Even though you may not partake of such things, it just doesn't shine well on your integrity to have a 8 inch gilded pot-leaf medalion wafting back and forth across your chest.

This becomes even more of a downfall if you get a panic-stricken look on your face at the mention of the words "company mandated drug test."

2. Don't wear anything with scantily clad people, refrences to alcoholic beverages, stupid/rude/obnoxious quotes or any combinations of the above.

Now I know we're all for good times, but interview time is not Miller Time.

Save the days off with your friends to proclaim that you can "Partay Harday Shawday".

Also, be aware of what the statements on your shirt can reveal about yourself. It's never a good idea to go into an interview wearing a shirt that says "I'm not unmovitated, I'm just lazy".

3. Don't wear anything with obvious rips, stains or holes.

Now I know that some people have been hard-up for employment for quite some time and as a result their wardrobe has gotten a bit shabby, for that I can understand and sympathize. But there's a difference between a worn knee or cuff on one's slacks; and having the back pockets of your jeans intentionally half ripped off.

You may be infatuated with your glitter-thong...but an interview is not the place to show it off....trust me, it won't get you the points you want in order to get hired.

We're a Superstore, not a Store for Superwhores.

4. Don't wear grubby flip-flops/sandals...with or without socks.

Now the entire population of the universe...with the exception of anyone oover the age of 80 or who's name is Uncle Milty...should know that sandals/flip-flops with socks is ALWAYS a cardinal fashion sin....plus it just looks goofy. 

Also, wearing dirty, grimy flip-flops; showing off your wonderful collection of toejam, assorted fungi and callouses, will most certainlly cause the interviewer to spend more time mentally gagging at your feet than paying attention to your job history.

5. Don't wear clothes that smell.

Now this doesn't just mean body-funk. Avoid bathing in perfume or cologne as well. Dealing with an applicant that smells like an overactive fragrance counter at Macy's or like a elevator full of old ladies can be just as distracting and off-putting as eau-du-sweat.

So please, wear freshly washed clothes and skip the scent.

6. Dazzle us with your work ethic, not your bling.

We will not be impressed by your three rings per finger and your 8 cubic pounds of chains around your neck. Focus more on your value as an employee rather than your value as a walking jewelry tree.

7. Holy, holy holy! You're punk, you're badass, and you want the world to know it! Well you'd better stow it at a retail interview.

90% of retail places don't allow facial piercings, and if they do hire you dispite your perforated facade, they'll make you agree to take out all your face-elery. So best off to keep it at a minimum whenever possible so the interviewer will notice your impeccable attendace record rather than your triple-loop nose-to-eyebrow ring.

8. Follicle frenzy!

Dying to change your hair to something that really makes a statement? Like say, a two foot tall neon green mowhawk or something from the Edward Scissorhands style line?

Well you will prolly wanna wait till after that retail interview. once again, you want to impress the interviewer with your stellar work performance and not your pommade's rock-hard hold.

9.Tune in, Drop out, Shut up.

For corn's sake PLEASE turn off your cell phone! At the very least put the dang thing on mute and whatever you do DON'T ANSWER THE DAMN THING! You can tottaly find out what Becky's wearing to the club and how much she hates her stupid-ass ex AFTER the interview.

10.Turn that frown upside down! ^_^

One of the worst things you can wear to an interview is a bad additude or a sour personality. I've had countless applicants not even make it to the interview stage because they called to ask for an interview and then chewed me out for not giving them one right away or telling them I'd have the managers look over the application before making a interview decision....that is an immediate disqualifiation in my book.

If you slump in the chair, refuse to make any eye contact (I personally suck at eye contact, but try an honest effort for such occasions) answer the interviewers questions in short, gruff two-sylable answers or make negative comments about past employers you will not get hired.

If you wake up on your interview day and feel like a seaming pile of dog shit...be it illness or just a bad-mojo day...call and ask to reschedule your interview. A bad additude can ruin even the most sharp-dressed applicant interview.

These pretty much all come from examples of applicants we've had pass through our doors, some have even regretably been hired, though in most cases their employment has been short lived.

So take heed and dress appropriately for your next retail interview, mayhaps it will open doors to get you into a heavenly retail-free employment in the future!

Retail-Snudges!

--Spritzy

 

Shopping Cart Tragedy

From Spritzy: They had to resort to wheel-well records to identify poor Cartie after the collision with the semi-truck.

Fun With A Retail Hell Mess

We can't stop the mess from happening, so we might as well play!

From Spritzy.

Experiencing Retail Hell As a Custy

...grr....Rar....

ROWLFGNFU...

BLARGLFLAGIFENPUTHEN!..

...>1!>.1@!...pttht. :P

Oh my word....holy freakin crap...mother fucking bullshit. AUGH!

Ok...so I'm slightly insane....but ya'll already knew that. Anywho...I'm they typah girl who'll walk into her basement-laundry room one afternoon and think to herself...."yanno, Spritzy...you should put up new walls and paint this grimy little shithole of a laundry room"

And then on my next day off I up and go get supplies to do such. Yes, I remodel entire rooms of my house on a whim...and it usually only takes a couple days to do most projects (I work lightning quick...ask Jit...she'll attest to it)

So last week I remolded my laundry room...except for the floor cause retiling is one of the few things I'd rather get professionally done...mainly cause I know it's a freakin pain in the ass and I don't have a tile cutter.

But now....hah...the REST of my basement looks sub-par in comparison...so I just HAD to go get new wall stuff for the other side of the basement.

Herein lies the rampage...

To the guy who cut the wall-board for me:

Dude, if you don't know what your freakin doing...DON'T TRY TO DO IT! See those safety goggles and protective blocks? Those are there for a reason...USE THEM!  Don't be cutting wood with a electric saw, that's taller than the both of us put together, with your bare hands!

I really don't want to be standing there with my phone on 911 speed dial in case you need multiple finger reatachments or a retinal splinter removal. You're stressin me out bro....stop it.

To the guy who "helped" me get the stuff in my car:

Yeah, the boards are wider than my arm-span and more than a foot taller than me...I need help getting them in my car.

And by help, I don't mean shove them wrecklessly halfway into the trunk and then watch slack-jawed as I struggle to drag them in the rest of the way from the front seat...I know retail sucks, and I hate it to...but dood, I was nice and pleasant and cordial with ya, I asked nicely for help...no reason not to even offer and additional nudge to help me get the boards in.

To the asshole Construction Custys:

You mother-fuckers. I see you standing there smirking at me and staring at my ass while I struggle to get my trunk door tired closed (Hey...where'd helper-dood go?) Just FYI...handbag and boobs does NOT equal incompetent....being short, however, does mean difficulty in tying closed a trunk that has hydrolic hinges and keeps insisting on slipping open and is a foot over my head when fully open. Don't laugh at me...don't make lewd jokes to yourselves under your breath. Leave me the fuck alone or maybe...just maybe...do the chivalrous thing and offer to hold the trunk door while I tie it.

To the Drywall Bitch:

You thought you could park diagonally in front of me to load your drywall...

you suck and you're preventing me from getting away from this place. You have incurred my wrath and I will bring down my wrath with mental images of you being anally fisted by a gorilla.

To the numb-nuts:

You parked a forklift full of Some Shit behind me so I couldn't back up to get around that bitch, you also suck and I'd like to shoot you in the patella with a nail-gun.

To that fucking bird in the rafters that wouldn't shut up:

Damnit I'm not gonna invade your damn nest...it's freakin 12 feet up...shut up and go choke on some bread.

To Scooter-punk and Bike-jerk:

Who thought they could ride on the side of the road right next to me!

THERE'S A FREAKING AMBULANCE BEHIND ME!

Get the fuck away from me so I can do the legal thing and get out of it's fucking way!

And beyond that...bike/scooter riders are supposed to be on the OPPOSITE side of the road...follow the rules before you end up needing an ambulance of your own...and don't fucking weave in and out next to me acting like you're gonna run into me and then laugh....I plow into your ass and then use your slowly oozing  innards to more properly tie my trunk closed.

And finally, to the bug in my cereal this morning:

I despise you and all your kind...if you weren't already dead I'd ensure you'd have a slow and swirling death of doom involving bleach and the garbage disposal.

...

Ok....now that that's over...I'm-a-go shoot some nails into the walls and throw some paint around. ^_^

--Spritzy, Painter of Walls

  

Customer Reject

From Spritzy: Piggy Shopper fails to get a - head by leaving with de- feet.

Just In Time For Summer: Fall Florals

From Spritzy. Like Christmas in October, the leaves of fall have arrived in May. Early merchandising strategy or just plain ridiculous? 

  

Spritzy: Drive Thru Eavesdropping

So...this afternoon the Hubz and I decided to take a little jaunt to our local soda shoppe in search of frozen dairy treats.

And as we were waiting at the drive-thru window for our sundaes, we overheard the drive-thru speaker and the lady two cars behind us giving her order...

It went a little something like-a this:

Ice-cream Girl: Thanks for choosing Ice Cream Store may I take your order?

Garbeled-Indecisive-Picky Bitch: Yeah, uh...do you still have the dipped waffle bowl sundaes?

IG: Yes ma'am which one would you like?

GIPB: Well, I don't see them out here on the menu...what all do you have?

IG: There's toffee-caramel-crunch, sprinkle-dip, and plain chocolate.

GIPB: What's on the toffee-caramel crunch waffle sundae?

IG: *becoming bewildered* Uh....toffee and caramel crunch bits...

GIPB: Oh, ok well I'll have that...but in a regular bowl instead.

IG: So you want a sundae in a regular bowl instead of the waffle bowl?

GIPB: No...I'll have that crunchy bowl thing...but add in cookie bits and skip the toffee-carmel stuff.

IG:So that would be a cookie crumble sundae?

GIPB: No I want the toffee thing...just without the toffee stuff.

This continues on with the custy making ass-inine changes to items but insisting on them being ordered as something completely different (like a strawberry banana smoothie...but make it with raspberry and coconut instead)

The hubs and I laughing hysterically at the ridiculousness of the custy's picky-indecisiveness.

I never heard the end of the order but made sure to tell the order girl we felt her pain over that crazy order...she nodded and said, "...yeah...I'm afraid to make the order...more likely than not something will be "wrong."

That's all I have for now...I'm signing off so I can go eat my coffee-brownie-sundae before it becomes coffee-brownie soup.

--Spritzy

  

 

Shopping Cart Intervention

From Spritzy: I found this cart passed-out drunk in it's parking lot after it had a baaaaad day at work. I helped it to it's feet....er...wheels and guided it safely into the store lest it be cart-napped and forced into a lifetime of hobo storage.

  

Server Slave Support at Smokey Bones Restaurant

Spritzy found this great sign at a Smokey Bones restaurant. Let's hope they stand behind it. We're not so sure the custys will. Most of them can't read anyway.