Retail Hell Underground

Fed Up Barista: Coffee Customers Need To Shape Up Part 2

If you missed Part 1 of Sydney's Top 9 Ways Not to Come Across As a Moron or Asshole to Your Barista, you can read it HERE.

Otherwise enjoy Part 2:

Hey Retail Slave Caffeine Junkies!

Here's the continuation of my advice for coffee customers. Please spread the word. They really need to listen. Especially if they want that double mocha latte with soy made the way it should be.

We continue with number....

5.) I am not your Mama or your Maid, it shouldn't be my job to clean up after you. For one thing, I really don't get paid enough to do that. And also, there are THREE Garbage Cans available for customer use in the dining room area of our Cafe. How hard would it be for you to put your trash in one of them? And if you do manage to get your lazy ass to walk over to the trash, can you at least put your garbage INSIDE OF IT?! You are not doing me any favors by putting garbage on top of, around, or near it. Is it really such a big deal for you to take two extra seconds to make sure your trash goes inside the basket? I think not!

6.) I cannot make the steam wand heat up your milk any faster, I'm not freakin Harry Potter for crapsake. So, complaining about it is futile, and it just makes you look like an inconsiderate prick with a brain the size of a coffee bean. Also, I only have TWO HANDS, not eight, which means that there is only so much I can do at one time, especially when I'm working by myself. It's not my fault half the city has the chicken flu. Please keep your mouth shut and be patient, I will get to you as soon as I can. If you're in a hurry I suggest you get your coffee fix at the McDonald's drive thru.

7.) Mind your own damn drink! If you insist on eyeballing my every movement as I make drinks, it will usually lead to me saying in a sweeteningly sick sarcastic voice, "Please take a seat, and I'll call you when your drink is ready." If you still choose to monitor me, please keep in mind that not every drink I'm making is YOURS moron! You are not the only one ordering a drink. Just because I am putting whipped cream on a drink, doesn't mean that it is YOUR drink. I am not a moron and I realize that you do not want whipped cream. That doesn't mean that the person ahead of you doesn't want whipped cream on theirs. Another way to annoy the hell out of me in this situation is to tell me multiple times that you want your drink to have soy in it, WHILE I am steaming the goddamn soy milk. I already know your drink is supposed to have soy, THAT'S WHY WE MARK THE CUPS! Unlike some of our illiterate customers who can't read the menu, I am capable of reading the side of a stupid cup and comprehending without having to ask 101 moronic questions. Let me do my job people!!!

8.) Speaking of incompetency, do not assume that your Barista is dumb. This one really brews my ass big time! It's extremely insulting, especially since I know what the fuck I'm doing! There was one night where this customer came into the store, and assumed that because I work a low-paying job at a retail coffee store that I must be an idiot. He thought his order was really complicated (even though it wasn't) and insisted on telling it to me slowly, like I was a five year old retard. Then the jerk said he was amazed I got it correct. I told him I'm was amazed he was such an ass! Okay, so I didn't call him an ass, but I did tell him that he shouldn't assume that just because I'm a barista, I'm incompetent. I have known baristas with college degrees. People who choose this line of work usually do so as a way to pay the bills, not because it's their career aspiration. Almost all baristas are Retail Sluts! They have other things going on in their life, and this is just a way to supplement their income. Outside of work, I sing in bands and I am also a published writer, but unfortunately, neither of those things are enough to pay my bills right now. I couldn't deal with being a cubicle monkey, because I would find it too confining, and I prefer being on my feet while I'm working, otherwise I get sleepy, so that is why I have chosen to be a barista. I do not plan on doing this forever, nor do my co-workers, and I consider them all to be bright people. Honestly, you will not make it very far as a barista if you are dumb. You have to be able to think fast on your feet, and have a good memory, otherwise you will mess up orders and face the wrath of fire breathing caffeine-craving dragons from hell!

9.) If you treat a Barista like crap, I am here to tell you THERE WILL BE PAYBACK! It seems as if some people are too moronic to realize that it is generally not a good idea to be mean to the people making the food and/or drink they are about to CONSUME. I have heard about some dirty tricks baristas have played on asshole customers. It's not hard to briefly take a drink in the back and add an unsavory ingredient. I wouldn't do that, but it doesn't mean that other Baristas wouldn't. I've know baristas who did all kinds of things to mean customer's drinks. One like to spit, while another chose Visine as the drink weapon of choice because it gives people the runs. Good times with Barista Revenge! It's not that I wouldn't love to play tricks like that on douchebag customers, especially when they deserve it, but I believe in Karma way too much to do something like that. Although, I do confess, there was a couple of times where someone pissed me off so much that I made their drink decaf when they ordered a regular, which I know is wrong, but I saw it as less harmful than sending them down the Hershey highway!

The point to all of this is: Be nice to your barista. Otherwise you'll never know what kind of drink you are getting! A decent tip in the jar would be nice too!

Whether I'm out at a restaurant, store, or another coffee shop I always try to treat the Retail Slaves with the same kind of respect and courtesy that I would want if I was the one behind the counter. We need to stick together on this one Retail Slaves!

Till next time coffee lovers,

Sydney

Fed Up Barista: Coffee Customers Need to Shape Up

Not all Retail Slaves work in Department and Discount Stores, some slave away in coffee shops and book stores. We have a new Retail Hell blogger and she's a Barista named Sydney...you might remember her from Scream...of course, her life as a Barista is a different kind of horror movie...when you are making coffee the only screaming is that of impatient and rude Caffeine Junkies. To address this, Sydney has written a manifesto that should be posted at every coffee house:

The Top 9 Ways Not to Come Across As a Moron or Asshole to Your Barista (Part 1)

Hey Retail Slaves,

I put up with a lot of shit being a Barista and it's time that customers get trained. This is for them... 

1.) Please people, I beg of you...know what you are ordering. And if you don't know what a triple blueberry chai tea double espresso upside down pineapple latte is then for godsake fucking ASK me!!! I'd rather have you do that and explain how the drink is made, than have you order a drink which contents you are unsure of, and then have to hear you complain about how you don't like it or you are allergic or some shit. It is more of a waste of time for me to have to listen to you bitch, and then have to make you a different drink so that you'll shut the fuck up about it (after all, I have other customers to take care of, so I most certainly don't have all day to listen to you whine), than it would be for me to simply explain to you, at the beginning of your transaction, how a Cappuccino is made.

And while we're on the topic of Cappuccinos.....NO, there is not too much foam in yours...a Cappuccino is A LOT of foam, and a LITTLE Espresso, so if that isn't what you want, ORDER SOMETHING ELSE!!! I will happily explain this to you at the beginning of your transaction, and without attitude. I usually only give 'tude to people who are rude and/or aggravate me, so I suggest you save us both from wanting to hit each other with baseball bats and make sure what you are odering is really what you want.

2.) If a drink is not listed on the Menu Board, we probably don't have it, SOOOO don't turn into a fucking diva drag queen and throw a Hissy Fit when I tell you that I can't make you a drink that IS NOT ON THE MENU! And telling me that we had Pumpkin Pie Spice Lattes in December isn't going to change the fact that it's MARCH and we don't fucking have them. I cannot make a goddamn Pumpkin Pie Spice Latte, I cannot make one magically appear out of my ass either, so STOP YOUR BITCHING, ORDER SOMETHING ELSE, OR TAKE YOUR BUSINESS ELSEWHERE! It really is that simple, what is on the Menu (if you would take the fucking time to read it) is WHAT WEVE GOT!!

3.) This one also has to do with our Menu since it seems to cause so much confusion amongst our less bright customers. It's one thing to ask questions about information that is not given to you on the Menu (see number 1), but to stare at the menu for ten fucking minutes and then ask me what's in a Carmel Latte when the ingredients are listed, just makes you look like a retarded moron. If you are unable to read, you are exempt from this, but considering that I work in a Cafe in a fucking BOOKSTORE, you would hope that most of our customers are literate, but such doesn't always seem to be the case - there are many people that buy books to look at the pictures.

4.) No, I am not being a Barista Bitch (on purpose, at least not in this case) and cheating you out of a straw, napkin, cup of water, sugar, etc when you ask and I tell you to turn your fat ass around and look behind you. All those things and more are on the condiment bar, for your convenience, so STOP giving me attitude.

Okay, that's it for now. I can feel the steam rising off my skullhead. Check back next week for the rest of my Top 9 Ways Not to Come Across as a Moron or Asshole to Your Barista.

Sydney