Retail Hell Underground

Mannequin's LV = Lord Voldemort

I've written about a custy at The Big Fancy who called me up on a busy afternoon and told me I was a dumbass salesperson because I had never heard of Las Vegas bags. She complained that I should have been better trained and "Why is there a guy in handbags anyways! Surely you must have seen these purses. They have LV initials on them and they are everywhere!" Yeah, the dumbassness was on her - - the snooty little bitch thought LV stood for Las Vegas! If only I could have told her, "No ma'am the LV actually stands for Lord Voldemort!" She was such a brainless fashion pirrahanna she probably would have asked me if we carried his clothes!

 

Customer Abuse: Attendant Called Gay Slur, Then Had To Apologize To Custys For His Tone

Hey RHU,

Freddy here!

I just received a hair-raising tale from Melpomene about a coworker who was called faggot by a custy.

I can't tell you how many times at how many jobs in my life I've been called faggot. I didn't have the retail balls to key the car that said that to me when I worked at the Drive-In or do something bad to the food for some asshole in the Long John Silvers Drive-thru - (little known fact: I worked there for several months in high school and hated every minute!) I went on to movie theaters next and they were a lot of fun but the angry-custy-fag calling came with it. And even when I got to all the department stores I was called fag so many times I don't have enough fingers or toes to count them all. It wasn't unusual to be called that within seconds at The Big Fancy if I happen to be refusing a known Nasty Ass Thief! I'm sure Queer Geek can relate! And any other gay man that has worked in a department store. Or served food at a restaurant. Or cashiered in grocery store. Or took calls at a Call Center. The list goes on.

In my new book Return To The Big Fancy - the sequel to Retail Hell - there is a chapter called Night of a Thousand N.A.T.s  and it takes place days before Halloween. Unfortunately for me, Halloween comes early one Friday night at The Big Fancy as my coworker Jeremy (a Ryan Seacrest/Mario Lopez metrosexual type everyone thinks is gay) and I are swarmed by one NAT after another. Towards the end of the nasty infestation comes an extremely ugly homophobic scene with quite a mouthy NAT. While written in my snarky satirical way, there is nothing funny about about the entitlement, verbal abuse and bullying from any of those custys. They treated me like a subhuman and I, nor anyone else that works in service, should have to be subjected to that by ANYONE.  I had a friend who was attacked while working in a high end department store in the middle of the afternoon. She was groped and fondled and pinned against racks by a drunk. Thank God for cameras or the douchebag would have gotten away with it and the store acted horribly when it happened. 

And the sad part of all this abuse that SO MANY OF YOU have experienced yourselves and written about it here on RHU, is that it's happening more and more frequently. While I will be talking about this a lot in the coming months in relation to Return to The Big Fancy, a solution I will always be an advocate of is speaking up. If you don't want to approach Crazy Custy Bitch with a cannibalistic look in her eyes, talk to management after it's over. Don't ever assume while you are walking out the door that the person you just saw get shit all over by some horrible custy will not get fired or reprimanded when they didn't deserve it. Go to the Store Manager, Corporation, or Owner and let them know what really happened.

As in the story you are about to read, I had many good custys come to my aid when I was being abused by a customer. So here is the story about the Fitting Room attendant named Favorite. When I read it, it hit me where I lived. And the part about having to be apologetic for tone and actually continue helping someone who was verbally abusive to me was all too real.

--Freddy

 

From Melpomene:

"Can you stay in here for a minute?"

As soon as my favorite fitting room worker murmured that when I went to check on them, I knew something must have happened and he was expecting worse.

So of course, I agreed to stay.

The next I hear is him saying "There is a queue, I'm going to have to ask you to wait", so I decided to move closer to the desk to support him, but before I can get rid of the armful of folded jeans I'm holding, I hear him again:

"Will you WAIT? I told you there's a queue!"

Now Favorite doesn't lose his temper often, he's a very polite and soft spoken guy, and he's always professional. For him to snap that at a customer means something.

So I instantly drop the jeans (everywhere) and go out to tell him to get off the floor and calm down. Too late. He's upset Bitch, and she kicks off. Shouting and swearing 'how dare you speak to me like that', screaming she'll have him fired, and telling everyone within a 30mile radius that if he was one of her kids she'd have thumped him.

Obviously past the point of no return, Favorite calmly said "Go on then" before I managed to push him out of the fitting rooms, through the throng of people waiting to get in, and call to another staff member to get onto the desk while I also tried to help a couple of customers.

Bitch stormed off screaming about how she was going to get a manager and have Favorite fired (apparently I'm not a good enough choice to bitch at). I started to go after Favorite, but a couple of other customers grabbed me first.

"We just wanted to let you know what happened - he was in NO WAY to blame for that."

They went on to tell me that on the way in to the fitting rooms Bitch and her daughter were pushing and shoving everyone, trying to barge past Favorite, and yelling that they "shouldn't have to fucking wait in fucking line" (I'm sorry, at what point did Primevil become a hot celebrity spot? It's cheap high street, and everyone shopping there is equal to everyone else there). In addition to generally being entitled, arrogant and aggressive bitches, I was informed that these two skanks, having twatted around and refused to take the fitting room tag (upon which point Favorite, somewhat exasperated, apparently told them to "just take the tag, and go in"), both shoved past him making bitchy comments. I am not sure if Favorite heard what the other customers heard, but I think it unlikely that he'd miss it as they barged past him.

When I was told what was said I was so angry I was shaking with rage, and nearly sick.

"How dare he tell us what to do? Fucking faggot."

Unfortunately, by the time I found Bitch and the manager she was complaining to, Favorite was apologizing to her for having snapped at her. He chose his words very carefully, apologizing for the fact that she was offended by the way he snapped at her (he's a much stronger person than I am).

I did let the manager know exactly what I'd been told, and she's not taking it any further. We both let Favorite know we felt he was in the right, and I have told him if Bitch ever comes in the store again, he should leave the  floor and call myself and security. I will make sure she is removed from the store.

So, all in all an eventful five minutes. A homophobic bitch threatened and verbally abused one of my staff (having jumped to the misconception that he's gay), and he ended up apologizing to her.

There is so much wrong with that.

--Melpomene

 

 

Queer Geek's Embarassing Mistake During The Job Hunt

Hi RHU,

So I wanted to give you a funny story about my efforts of my job search during my stint of unemployment.  As you know I’ve sent hundreds of resumes online with cover letters.  One of them was for a front desk clerk at a hospital which included my cover letter which below is a fake one but read on and you’ll get the joke.

Re: Office Representative Opening for General Hospital

Dear  Human Resources:

I was excited to see your opening for the office representative position for General Hospital.  I have heard so many positive things about your company and hope to be part of your successful team in the health care field.  I hope this kiss ass cover letter will hopefully consider me as a candidate.

My background includes working with shitty custys within the retail hell environment. Most recently, I worked on the custy service desk for the Big Fancy, where my responsibilities included handling NAT returns, issuing refunds/store credits (even if the damn custy wore it to go clubbing the night before), reselling damaged merchandise and providing an outstanding (gag) consumer experience with a shit eating grin on my face.

I also bring to the table strong computer proficiencies in all computer and office applications, a wasted college degree, and the ability to be abused for this current position.  Please see the accompanying resume for details of my experience and education even though I copied it online from some else’s sample online.

I am confident that I can offer you the custy service, lack of communication and forced problem-solving skills you are seeking. Feel free to call me at (home) or (cell) to arrange an interview. Thank you for your time -- I look forward to learning more about this opportunity even though I don’t know shit about what your company is about.

Sincerely,

Queer Geek

Now here’s the punchline! 

I got up the next morning and compiled my list of all the resumes I’ve sent out the previous day and realized with horror that I got the name of the hospital wrong!  I put down General Hospital, the competing company of the ACTUAL medical organization Cedar Sinai.  Needless say, I doubt I’ll be getting that job. 

Word of advice: Never try to apply for a job at midnight when you’re sleep deprived and desperate for work

--Queer Geek

 

 

Queer Geek Big Fancy Reboot: How To Fend Off Bloodsucking Custys

Queer Geek wrote this post last month before his exit at The Big Fancy. I wasn't able to get it up at the time, but it here is for all of you RHUers to enjoy! I sort of remembering doing something similiar at The Big Fancy! I loved finding ways to annoy the annoying custys!

Hey RHU! 

I’ve just discovered a way to fend off bloodsucking custys!  Care to know the secret?  Well let Queer Geek share with you.

We have this one old regular custy lady who comes in two to three times a week and returns shit like there’s no tomorrow.  I mean the hefer buys things on her credit card and returns them the next day for cash. 

I suppose she thinks we’re like an ATM bank since she is too lazy to go to the automated teller herself to withdraw cash.  Not only is this annoying as fuck but it is a complete waste of time for the retail slave who is trying to make his or her commission. 

In addition, she always uses some flimsy excuse like the gift recipient didn’t like the item or it didn’t fit.  Really?  Then why are you coming in two to three times a week to return something your ungrateful Hellspawn does not like each time?

Adding to the obnoxious behavior of this biddy is the fact that every time she comes in, she dumps a stack of used shopping bags on my counter and tells me to reuse them. 

Excuse me? 

These baggies have been used.  No custy in their right mind would want to be given a dirty bag with hair and trash inside of it!  I usually have to toss the offending refuse in the recycling bin.

Fed up with this bloodsucker, I finally decided to enact my revenge the other day.  Right on time, the hefer came in with a bunch of her purchases to return.  She gives the usual excuse.

Bloodsucker: I want to return this.  My son didn’t like any of the items. (It was a woman’s watch.)  It didn’t fit.

Me: Okay, we can take care of that for you.  *Start taking care of her return.*

Now RHU, here’s where the revenge kicks in. 

What is the one thing that bloodsucking custys and regular custys hate in general in retail? 

PUSHY, AGGRESSIVE SALESPEOPLE! 

That’s right RHU, good ol’ QG became the one thing most people hate in the retail business.  Plastering a fake smile on my face, I start my spiel.

Me: Before I finish this up, you know we had another thing your son would like.  It comes in all sorts of colors.  Yellow, green, blue, lavender, pink, blah…blah…blah…

Bloodsucker: That’s okay.  I just want my money.  I’ll shop later.

Me: But why stop now when we can do the shopping for you? You need a certain size.  Let me look it up for you.  You know what we can check if the other stores have it in other colors.  Let me call for you…blah…blah…blah..

Bloodsucker: *growing impatient* That’s okay, I just want to return it…

Me: Don’t worry we can look for it for you.  *Starts calling on the phone researching other options.  Bloodsuckers is starting to get angry but I ignore her.*  Oh look we have one just right for him.   It comes in blue in a masculine color in this size and it the hottest thing we see in all the fashion magazines right now…

Bloodsucker:  I DON’T CARE ABOUT THAT!  I JUST WANT TO RETURN IT!

Me: *ignoring her*  But we have something so much better.  He doesn’t like that gift.  Well how about this men’s cosmetics items item?  It’s a great skin conditioner that exfoliates and massages the pores and would be a wonderful addition to the gift you’re looking for him…

Bloodsucker: I JUST WANT TO RETURN IT!  I’M IN A HURRY!

This goes on for two minutes where I finally wear her out and start to finish her return.  However before giving her the money, I throw in one last triumphant sales pitch.

Me: Here’s you money.  Now next time you come in, bring in your information so we can open up a loyalty account with us since you come in to shop with us frequently.

Bloodsucker: I DON’T UNDERSTAND!  I DON’T WANT A LOYALTY ACCOUNT!  I JUST WANTED TO RETURN THESE ITEMS!

Me: No problem.  We’ll open one for you now.  Just give me your information and we’ll open up your loyalty account in a few seconds.  What’s your address, your phone number, social security number, and the rest of your personal info?

Bloodsucker: I DON’T WANT TO OPEN UP A LOYALTY ACCOUNT!  I’M IN A HURRY!  I JUST WANTED TO RETURN THE THINGS THAT I BOUGHT!

Me: No problem.  We’ll open your loyalty account the next time so bring in all your information and we’ll find a nice gift for your son and we’ll also get you started with using that new loyalty account.  We’ll see you the next time you come in.

Bloodsucker:  I DON’T WANT TO OPEN UP A LOYALTY ACCOUNT!  I’M NOT COMING HERE AGAIN!

Even I know she will be back next week.

Me: No problem.  We’ll see you here next week and we’ll open up that loyalty account and look for that gift for you son in the right color….

Bloodsucker:  I’M NOT COMING BACK HERE!  ARGGHHHH!

She leaves folks but it seems lil’ ol’ me got the last laugh.  So RHU, my challenge to you is this.  If you have a bloodsucking custy, I double dare you to be a pushy salesperson. 

Muahahaha!

--Queerk Geek

Queer Geek Says Goodbye To The Big Fancy

Well it’s finally happened RHU! 

Queer Geek has joined the billions of people across the globe to have one big flash mob dance to the unemployment line. 

Yes folks, QG has now become of the many nameless faces that are now jobless in this troubled economy.  Let me tell you that the job market sucks ass!  You know that unemployment rate is skyrocketing when not even fast food will hire you!  Argggh! 

Here’s my story.

If you read any of my posts you know that I, along with our host Freeman Hall, had been associated with the retailer known as Big Fancy.  Yes all those crazy stories are true but you too can all relate to the wacky side of the service industry.  Hence, the RHU was born.  For the most part, I was an office slave who loved his job.  I’m a bit OCD so filing and organizing paperwork all day was a bit of my thing.   Anyway, after six years of being adept in my position Big Fancy had decided to go in a different direction and trim budgets.

Now we all saw this coming but never did I believe that my department would be on the chopping block.  You see RHU, Big Fancy prides itself on its reputation as being number one on assisting custys.  Since my department primarily deals with that, we genuinely thought we were safe.  Unfortunately, this was not the case.  After cutting the budget on everything that made Big Fancy recognizable, the corporate bigwigs decide to strip away the one office department that specializes in custy assistance.  Oh well!  We’ll see in the next few years the outcome of consumer feedback when they have no complaints counter to address their concerns.

Whatever their reasons behind this, I will say that I handled my departure like a champ!  Believe it or not I modeled myself after Ann Curry of the Today’s show after she was let go by the NBC studio brass.  I didn’t cry or went postal but conducted myself with class and dignity befitting a person of my sophistication and stature.  Then again, the Prozac has started to kick in and self-medication seems to help.  Thank you Absolute Vodka!

This brings me to my present situation.  I, like the billions, have now been let go and forced to pound the pavement like a hooker looking for a trick.  I can rock some fixnets and Christian Louboutins!   Employment opportunities are far, few, and in between and I sent hundreds of resumes online every day, not one person calls me for an interview.  Desperate times calls for desperate measures that I’ve even lowered my standards to the point that I’ll even go back to fast food hell or even working at Wally World.  Even they are not taking the bait which sucks!

However RHU, let me tell you that I refuse to give up.  I’m a survivor!  I’m gonna make it! I’m gonna keep on surviving!  I’m too prideful to accept unemployment just yet so I’m going keep pimping  myself until I get a job.  So while I have nothing to contribute of any current retail hell experiences to this site, I’m finding that being unemployed does bring some crazy stories of their own.  I’ll keep you all posted.

Oh and be grateful for the jobs you have now.  Even if you want to quit, it’s hellish out there finding work!  It’s hard our here for a pimp!

--Queer Geek

 

ABC's 20/20 + Retail Hell + RHU = Friday April 27 10PM!!!

Hello RHUers! Freddy here!

This Friday on April 27th, I will be on ABC's news show 20/20! (As Freeman, not Freddy! lol) The show should be an interesting one as it's about people confessing the trials of their jobs. Besides myself speaking on Retail Hell and RHU, there will be other service related confessions like a waiter, car salesman, doctor, nurse, and funeral home director! Should be a great show! Tune in or Tivo!

I also want to thank you all for your patience these last few weeks. I'm sure you've noticed a slow down in stories being posted. I've been finishing the new book Return To The Big Fancy, which is loaded with corporate hell, bitchy coworkers, and crazy custys! You are going to LOL and love it! It will be released in the fall.

Editing the stories to post on RHU and transferring them to the blog takes a while and when I get busy with my other jobs, it suffers. But have no doubt, I will get to your submissions eventually and get them up:)  I hope one day I will be able to monetize RHU allowing me to hire staff to get things posted quicker all day long. I also dream of creating a Facebook-like RHU group on the blog where you all could post and comment in secret without anyone tracing your comments. Remember, your identity on here is always protected. I am also thinking about making the facebook group private to protect posters.

I'm not sure what kind of activity we will see here on Retail Hell Underground if 20/20 does give a mention, but I'd like to know from you all what you think about having RHUer's who want to participate in commenting have to JOIN Typepad (my blogging service) and create a profile (many of you have already done this, it's how you get the nifty picture). This could greatly deter trolls, haters, and douchebags. Even though they can also create an account, many won't go to the trouble. Let me know what you all think in comments. If enough of you agree I will change the setting.

And if any of you spot haters or bullies, please let me know via the submit email and I will ban the assholes from the blog. (even if they try a new IP address)

Thank you all for making Retail Hell Underground such an amazing place on the web. Your stories have inspired me, helped others, and hopefully brought about awareness. And a day doesn't go by where many of you make my day with an LOL.

Cheers RHU! Stay strong!

--Freeman / Freddy

 

 

 

 

 

Letter To Lunch-Stealing Coworker

Helloooo RHU! Thought I’d a post a rant in letter form about a coworker I’m sure many of you can relate to. Ahem...

Dear Thieving Coworker,

I realize with this tough economy right now that many of us are in financial straits and have to resort to desperate measures to put food in our bellies. You and me are no exception since I’m living off my credit cards and you are dumpster diving for your latest meal. Though I commend your efforts for attempting to curb your starvation, let me make one thing clear. You, Sir or Madam, are nothing more than a Nasty Ass Lunch Thief! (NALT) Them’s fightin’ words and yeah I said it! Allow me to explain douchebag!

I don’t get many pleasures in life especially this week being extra stressful at work with me handling multiple departments, office duties, customer problems, employee issues, special events, and assisting my new manager in being acclimated to our department and company position. Simply said, my stress level has gone from zero to sixty in a matter of days. Once again. Thank you for making my day fucktard! Therefore, lunch is the one time of day I look forward to for a moment of relaxation and enjoying my time away from the office. 

Well NALT, you ruined that for me by taking what does not belong to you! Motherfucker! You stole my shit! To think, I was heading to the employee breakroom ready to consume my low calorie wrap and apple when lo and behold my lunch bag containing my antique Tupperware which has been in my family for generations missing from the fridge. You owe me a Rubbermaid lime green plastic container moron! It has been discontinued by the company so you better look it up on e-bay. In a panic, I scoured the appliance searching for it but came up empty. Thus concluding that someone stole my lunch and ate it. Watch your back! Cus’ I’m gonna kick your ass when I find you!

I hope you are happy with yourself NALT! Because of your inconsideration, I had to spend money in the food court adding further debt on my credit cards to grab a bite to eat! You have ruined my health because I took the time and effort to pack a healthy lunch that was low on calories and high on nutritional value because I’m trying to shed the weight off my fat ass by forcing me to go buy a greasy, gut busting pizza in the mall, which, by the way, was delicious but beside the point! Lastly, you violated my trust in the people I work with and now I’m suspicious of everyone around me by keeping the police on speed dial. What you’re taking an extra box of pens? That is illegal! I’m calling the po po!

Thanks to you I have to write this passive aggressive letter detailing my frustration aggravating my OCD and anal retentive personality. One thousand fifty three characters. One thousand fifty four...aw shit I lost count. Now I have to start again. One...two...three...Did I dust off this keyboard? Why didn’t I dust off this keyboard? Anyone have Pledge or lye soap on hand? Anyway NALT, I hope you are happy that you have ruined a working man’s lunch break and enjoyed that healthy wrap that tasted like cardboard. For the record, that is not deli meat tucked into the folds of the lettuce but vegetarian soybean tofu slices. Leaves a bizarre aftertaste don’t it fucker? Oh and the multigrained tortilla I wrapped it in is especially high in fiber so you might experience a bad case of the Hershey squirts. It was important I keep myself regular. Serves you right fucker that you got Montezuma’s Revenge for stealing from me! No one steals from me!

With no sincerity,

--Queer Geek

Okay RHU, I know I’m not the only one who has had their lunch stolen at work. Anyone else?

Australia McDonalds Testing DNA Spraying Above the Doors To Catch Thieves

Hmmm...I wonder if Hellmart and The Big Fancy will buy into this technology. Any RHUer Aussies heard about this or seen it in action?

Here's the story from HuffPo and an animated example of the DNA Spray at work:

Thinking about stealing some hamburgers? You might want to think again.

Select McDonald's stores in Australia are now using a special invisible spray that douses the hamburglars as they exit certain establishments, the Daily Telegraph reports.

McDonald's decided to test out the system in certain restaurants after a store in Sydney had two robberies in one week. If it deems the technology successful in theft prevention, the company may install the system in other stores.

Although the spray isn't visible to the naked eye, police can see the DNA markings with the aid of a blacklight. The SelectaDNA product stays on clothes for about six months and on skin for up to two weeks.

The spray system has already been used in several McDonald's stores across Britain and Europe, and at least one store in the Netherlands has programmed the spray to go off when triggered by a panic alarm, according to the Telegraph. Each spray has a special DNA sequence specific to the store where the system is installed.

And bad news for thieves who think they can wash off the incriminating evidence: The spray won't come off their skin, no matter how hard they scrub, the Sydney Morning Herald reports.

As a the writer for The Escapist Magazine puts it: "Basically, if you get caught in this stuff, you're screwed."

McDonald's stores aren't the first establishments to use the technology.

Gizmodo Australia notes that several jewelry stores have been using the spray for months. Additionally, the DNA security systems have been implemented at several banks across Europe and New Zealand.

The spray, which was launched in 2008, is non-toxic and non-allergenic.

A 2010 article by the New York Times looked at the effects of the DNA spray system in a Rotterdam McDonald's in the Netherlands. Police told the Times the technology had not resulted in any arrests, but they did suggest the system's warning signs -- placed on doors around the stores -- acted as a deterrent.

via www.huffingtonpost.com

 

 

 

Return City: A Poem Parody On Holiday Returns

Hello RHU!

With holidays over and everyone returning their gifts, I thought I would do a return song parody in the style of Guns and Roses’ Paradise City. Enjoy!

 

Return City

 

Take me down to Return Hell City

Where we take unwanted gifts

And treat a Retail Slave so shitty!

Oh Custy! Won’t you please go home?

   

Take me down to Return Hell City

Where we take unwanted gifts

And treat a Retail Slave so shitty!

Oh Custy! Won’t you please go home?

   

Christmas sweaters! Grandma’s got no taste!

$10 Walmart Waffle Maker! What a waste!

Lost the receipt? It’s been misplaced!

Behind the counter retail slave is doing time

Black Friday deals should be a crime!

   

Take me down to Return Hell City

Where we take unwanted gifts

And treat a Retail Slave so shitty!

Oh Custy! Won’t you please go home!

   

Challenge the policy of 30 days to return

Custys don’t respect it or ever learn

The package’s been open, used and looks like trash!

You argue for a refund for your stash!

 

You don’t want store credit! You want cash!

   

Take me down to Return Hell City

Where we take unwanted gifts

And treat a Retail Slave so shitty!

Oh Custy! Won’t you please go home!

   

Ain’t got no receipt! The tag is torn!

It’s obvious that shirt’s been worn!

Demand a manager! Put him on the horn!

It was a gift! Let’s be precise!

No proof of purchase! I can only give the clearance price!

   

Take me down to Return Hell City

Where we take unwanted gifts

And treat a Retail Slave so shitty!

Oh Custy! Won’t you please go home!

   

Holiday gifts are coming back!

They’re coming back!

Oh crap!

   

The returns are piling up!

Piling up! Piling up!

Oh No!

   

Someone help me!

Help me!

How could this be?

   

Look at the stack!

At the stack!

I have to put back!

   

Take me down to Return Hell City

Where we take unwanted gifts

And treat a Retail Slave so shitty

Oh Custy! Won’t you please go home?

 

The returns are comin’ in...

This should be a sin...

I’ll be here until next year...

 

--Queer Geek

 

 

Holiday Bitch Encounter At The Big Fancy

From Slave To The Big Fancy:

This happened to me on 12/9/11:

Last night was the night from HELL @ the Big Fancy. 

Two minutes AFTER I walked in the door to begin my shift in the handbag department I had a bitch scream at me for 15-20 minutes because we didn't have the $40 cheap ass, faux silk clutch she wanted.

She was screaming and causing such a friggin scene and told me that she can't wait to move away from MA in 2 months and that her broke ass spends thousands and thousands of dollars in our stores and The Big Fancy I work in has the absolute worst customer service she's ever encountered. We are pushy, rude, unprofessional and treat her like a second class citizen (don't forget that the whole 1st floor heard this courteous, polite BITCH screaming this at me but WE are the rude and unprofessional ones). 

I was told that the people who shop with us are rude and stuck up and she's had it. Her and her husband can't wait to move to the Adirondack Mountain home they own in NC (more like a mud hut with a straw roof, a dirt floor and dirty off white sheets for doors and window treatments), oh and did I mention she spends thousands and thousands of dollars at the Big Fancy?

Oh yeah I did and so didn't this dumb, wrinkled, Costco moisturizer wearing, kitten heeled wearing (I HATE kitten heels), Issac Mizrahi for Target handbag carrying (VOMITT), Sears Mom jeans wearing BITCH FROM THE DEPTHS OF Lowell about 15 times!!!!!!! Now during her insane rant, I've basically blocked her dumb, ignorant, think she's entitled ass out and I was singing that song by Three Days Grace "I Hate Everything About You" in my head over and over and over wishing I could just drop kick this bitch in her back to give her something to really scream about.

After all was said and done she left with no clutch, her mom jeans were in a twist and whatever dignity she might've had when she entered the store?

I tossed it into our NQC bin which is the bin for damaged, non repairable goods.

Tis the season everyone!!!

--Slave To The Big Fancy

 

Crazy Custy Lectures About Smoking

Ho ho ho this Christmas season RHU!

Thought I share a funny story that happened recently where a custy decided to act like our mother and ground us like the bad slave seedlings that we are. Now this anecdote is dedicated to all the smokers out there who are trying to quit, are covered in nicotine patches or substituting cigarettes for something else like food. I completely understand what you’re going through. Though I was never a long term tobacco junkie, I have lit up a ciggie butt at some point in my life (as well as a touch of herb...for medicinal purposes...but I digress) to cope with stress. The point is there are coworkers who choose to take up the vice of smoking; hence, establishing the term smoking breaks.

Many of you I’m sure work with coworkers who take smoking breaks. They go outside, light up, do their thing, and go back to work. No biggie. It’s their prerogative! Well what would happen if a custy decides to bitch call you out on it? That is exactly what happened to my coworker Dorothy (not her real name). So it was a busy day and Dorothy goes on smoking break and returns. Enter mother custy.

Custy: Hello I have a question.

Dorothy: Sure, how can I help you?

Custy: (sniffs the air) *GASPS* HAVE YOU BEEN SMOKING?

Dorothy: Umm...uh...no. I was outside.

Custy: I’M ALLERGIC TO SMOKE! YOU KNOW YOU CAN GET LUNG CANCER AND EMPHYSEMA FROM SMOKING! CIGARETTES ARE BAD FOR YOU!

Dorothy: I realize that. I was with a group who were smoking. Maybe that’s why I smell like smoke. (Seriously, are you my mother?)

Custy: YOU SHOULDN’T SMOKE. IT’S BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH! YOU’LL AGE PREMATURELY!

Dorothy: *turns red* Uhh...thanks for the advice. (What are you? A cop?) How can I help you?

Custy: I’M LOOKING FOR THE RESTROOM.

Dorothy: Down on the other side of the store. (Now go away and let me smoke my cigarette in peace.)

Custy: ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT SMOKING IS BAD FOR YOU! SO DON’T SMOKE! *leaves*

Dorothy: *turns to me* It feels like I just got busted by my mother for smoking. I think she wants to ground me.

Me: You should have told her that you’re a recovering alcoholic and you’re substituting one vice for another. Better yet, tell her to mind her own damn business!

--Queer Geek

 

The Wild World of Retail Hell Custys: Auntzilla

Everyone has heard of the grotesque behemoth known as the Bridezilla or even worse, the Momzilla but how about the new Leviathan rising from depths of the ocean The Auntzilla! 

I had the pleasure of observing one the other day that could very well be part of an Animal Planet episode!
 
Yes, welcome to the wild safari of retail hell.  Come and watch the big fancy department store where the Auntzilla breeds and it hunts for its prey:  the helpless retail slave! 

Notice how she decides to call half an hour after closing demanding to be helped roaring for assistance. 

Watch as the helpless slave is forced to cower in fear of this she-devil listening to her rant about how she was shipped the wrong order for an evening dress which she needed for her niece’s Super Sweet 16 event.

Observe how the vein in her neck is ready to burst as she nearly devours the poor slave into oblivion.
 
However, the attack of Auntzilla has not stopped there.  After finding the correct dress at another location near where she lives at and making arrangements to tailor it at the store’s expense and have it ready in time for her niece’s function, Auntzilla’s appetite for destruction still has not subsided.  She needs to satisfy her exploitation of the retail slave the day after her niece’s Super Sweet 16 party! 

Watch as Auntzilla calls the big fancy department store threatening to call the company if her demands are not met. 

Observe as she screams at a retail slave demanding she get freebies and extra perks because according to her she had to miss her nail appointment to pick up the dress. 

Listen as she mauls the slave to death with her endless prattle about not looking good at her niece’s Super Sweet 16 event making it impossible it for her to enjoy it. 

Sigh and roll your eyes as it sounds like Auntzilla wanted to take all the attention away from her niece even though it is supposed to be her niece’s special day!
 
Yes folks Auntzilla exists so if you ever run into one, run as fast you can from one! 

This Auntzilla stalked off to find another prey to harass leaving with nothing but a million apologies and her idle threats of suing the company. 

Crikey!

--Queer Geek

 

Just Another Day In Retail Hell

A poem about about last week in Retail Hell:

 

Oh what a week it has been!

Where do I begin?

So much to see and to tell

From a slave in retail hell!

 

The Freaks Come Out at Night!

A Whodini song so perfectly right

To describe the endless custy jerks

The pervs coming out of the woodwork!

 

Let us begin with the old male NAT

Attempting to return stolen clothes from whereat?

But his worst offense is much more grave

When he makes a pass at another pretty retail slave!

 

So when old male NAT asked her for a kiss

Pretty retail slave responded with an EWWW and a hiss!

Pretty retail slave simply came up to get office supplies

Not to be sexually harassed by some gross old guy!

 

Off she ran like the wind with no time for a chitchat

Can you blame her after encountering this NAT?

Still pervy old NAT could not take a hint

As he left to pick up another slave; his eye showing a glint.

 

After the gross old NAT came the rambunctious teens

Their hormones all raging lacking some personal hygiene,

A busty custy passed them looking all attractive and pretty

And paid her compliment by shouting, “NICE TITTIES!”

 

To which the busty custy replied with a confident air

Blew them a thank you kiss and tossed up her hair,

Gee who said chivalry was dead?

When a woman wants to be called a ho instead!

 

Then what really took the cake for me

Was this senior custy that did something you wouldn’t believe!

Resting in one of our lounge chairs we didn’t have a clue

Until we smelled something foul.  Yikes, he did a Number Two!

 

Damaging the chair with a filthy brown stain

I almost upchucked my lunch that remained

I felt sick to my stomach this I can attest

Feeling bad for the cleaning ladies who had to deal with this mess!

 

Yes, it has been a crazy week for this retail slave

Dealing with all these antics you have to be brave!

Just another day in retail hell is all I can say

So tell me how was your day?

 

--Queer Geek

 

 

Closing Nightmare: N.A.T. Bible Thumpers

Okay RHU, we’ve all dealt with the your average run of the mill NAT but how about your Born Again NAT?  

Yes folks, there is a new NAT in town and thy name is Preacher Nat.  Let me set the stage for you.

Five minutes before closing, NAT comes in and decides to return some really, old faded clothes for cash. 

Now it’s late, the slaves are tired, and we all just want to go home so we accept the return just to send the Preacher Nat away so we can close.  Well Preacher NAT had other ideas.

Preacher NAT: Thank the Lord!  Jesus has blessed us with this money!

Me: Ummm…uh…we’re closing sir.  Just take the front doors out.

Preacher NAT: Do you not sense the coming?  Do you not hear HIM coming?  Do you want to be saved?

Me: Uh…I’m good.  We’re closing sir.  You want to take the door in the front.

Preacher NAT: See the light?  It’s a good thing!  Yes Lord!  Oh Lord!  Let’s pray and be saved by him!  Come pray with me!

Me: No thanks.  Let me get someone to escort you.

Preacher NAT: Thank the Lord!  I’m getting an escort!  Thank you Jesus!

Security helps him out and we’re saved from his Bible thumping babble.  Funny, I wonder what would happen if I told him I was an atheist.  (I’m not really but I would love to see how that would get a reaction out of him.)

--Queer Geek

 

Do You Work Here? (A Poem Dedicated to the Retail Slave)

By Queer Geek:

Hi RHU! 

This poem pretty much says it all!

Some custys are half wits

Needing a good kick in the rear,

When the inevitable question spits,

“Do you work here?”

 

It’s bad enough we’re bombarded

With insane inquiries for any retail slave

Especially when the requests are retarded

Makes us all want to dig our own graves.

 

But the worst offender of all

Is the one most slaves fear

That dreaded query call,
”Do you work here?”

 

Say you’re at a fast food joint

In line ordering your meal

Then a custy taps you and points,

“Can I order a supersized deal?”

 

Or you’re shopping at the computer store

Comparing laptop prices to buy

Some custy approaches you on the floor

Asking, “Does this have Wi-Fi?”

 

How about being in a boutique?

Trying on clothes in the dressing room

You’re searching for something quite unique

A custy knocks, “Does this come in flume?”

 

What is it with custys and their assumptions?

That the world revolves around them?

Bothering bystanders with their interruptions,

Do they lose a brain stem?

 

It’s retail slave profiling I tells ya,

They look for people to discriminate

Because they want to be bourgeois

As they crawl around trying to irritate.

 

Custys!  A little common sense please!

Seek out the employee with the logo uniform

Or one wearing a nametag to seize

Not an innocent civilian to misinform!

 

So the next time you ask the question,

“Do you work here?” Do let it go.

When the response to your direction,

Respect it.  Accept it.  It is simply, NO!

--Queer Geek