Retail Hell Underground

The Sorry Card

 

Retales: Shit Retail Workers & Customers Say

 

You can see more of Wyatt Elliots Retail and FML videos by clicking HERE.

Restaurant Stress Release

 

Retail Hell Accessory For Bad Custys

From Tech Tiger: Re the recently posted asshole repellent; I've got another to go with it. :) Clue spray. (Which is a real thing; spray it on something and if someone touches it, they get invisible UV fluorescent ink on their hands)


 

Retail Hell Accessory

Retail Hell Accessory For Hellspawn

Brian The Werewolf here!!

I was sneaking around the dark alleyways of the Internetz and found the most awesome thing ever!

It's a hellspawn restraint system!!!

 

 

NC Tony's New Store Rules For Custys

Okay, so I know it's been a long time coming, but it's finally here.

The customer rules for the RHU store.

After all, we all have rules that we're supposed to follow, but customers do not even though they should. So here we go,  and in some parts of this I'm adding in some Retail Slaves Wish List items.

Of course the one question I kept asking myself is this: How would we make these rules available to the customers? Obviously we can't hand them out to customers as they walk in. Maybe full page ads in the
newspapers (both actual physical papers and online)?

We open at 8:00 am. Not 7:50, not 7:55, not 7:59. 8:00 am, by our clocks, not yours.
We close at 10:00 pm. We stop letting customers in at 9:50. We expect to lock the doors behind our last  customer no later than 10:10. Do not show up at 10:00 expecting to be let in.

Dear customer:

The rules for you start in our parking lot. Mainly the handicap spaces. Each space is equipped  with a medical scanner. If the scanner indicates that no one in the car is in any way handicapped (and yes, the scanner can pick up "invisible" handicaps), our on site tow trucks will be called into action and will tow your car as far away from the doors as possible. They will even be nice enough to point out where your car is, but you're going to have to walk your lazy butt over to it.

The same rules go for our mobility carts. If the scanner says you're not in any way handicapped, you'll have to walk just like everyone else.

Service animals are welcome in our store, however, it HAS to be a legitimate service animal. Our resident service animal expert will ask a couple of quick questions and if they determine that your animal is not a service animal it will not be allowed in the store. If you decide to leave your animal in the car and come back into shop, we will call the police and break into your car to rescue the animal.

Don't threaten to "Never shop here again". We'll hold you to that by taking a picture of you and entering it into our database. If you try to come back to the store, an alarm will sound and you will be reminded that you said you would "never shop here again". This policy also applies to any one who's been banned.

Do not insult our associates. Do not insult their race, sexual orientation, gender, intelligence level, etc. Because they will fire back, they have a full roster of insults at the ready, and much like you did to them, they will make snap judgements based on your appearance. You will get one warning and one warning only to stop insulting and degrading our employees, after that you will be banned from the store. On the other side of this, DO NOT play the race, gender, religion or any other card. Look around, we employ associates of both genders, various races, religious backgrounds, sexual orientations, etc. We don't discriminate.

If you physically assault any of our employees, be forewarned, they each carry a can of mace and a fully charged tazer. Plus our on-site security guards are always roaming the store, each has been trained subdue you in non lethal (but very painful) ways.

Do not whistle or snap your fingers to get attention. Do not walk up to an employee and issue a one word declaration of what you want. You will be ignored. A simple "Excuse me, can you help me find [item]?" will be enough to get you the help you need. If the employee is busy with another customer, have the common decency
to wait until they are done before asking for help.

Please do not open a box to make sure all the parts of the item are in the box. If for some reason all the parts are not there (or are broken) simply bring the item back (with receipt), within the return period and we will replace it.

WE ARE NOT BABYSITTERS! This is not a daycare and we are not authorized to watch or discipline your children. Do not leave your children on their own and tell them to "play" while you shop. We will not (and due to our lawyers) can not be held responsible for any injuries your child suffers due to parental negligence. If you cannot control or discipline your children, it is not our fault, it is yours. Also, any child left unattended will be taken to customer service and the parents paged. If you do not show up to retrieve your child within five minutes, you will be paged again. If another five minutes pass, we will call the police to report an abandoned child.

Please do not presume to know more than the employees. They've been trained to work here, you have not. If we tell you something, chances are we know what we're talking about. If you don't want to follow our advice, or don't like the answers to your questions, then don't ask.

Please don't just drop items anywhere if you decide you don't want them. We are always watching, and on occasion will track you down with the discarded item and ask you to put it back where you found it. We will follow you to make sure you do. In the same vein, please do not leave your trash on a random shelf. We have
numerous trash cans placed conveniently around the store. Please use them.

 

OUR FITTING ROOMS ARE NOT BATHROOMS! Since we cannot legally place cameras in the fitting rooms we have done the next best thing. We have placed sensors in the floor and walls that will detect the presence of urine or feces. And we will publicly embarrass you. The fitting room door will lock from the outside and a "code brown" will be issued. Our specially trained bio-hazard clean up unit will be dispatched to the fitting rooms to clean up and escort and ban you from the store. The same will apply for the sick people out there who think it's funny to spread their feces on the walls of the bathroom stall. The stall will lock from the outside and the bio-hazard team will show up to clean up and ban you from the store.

If you need to change your child's diaper, please do so in one of the two fully equipped changing rooms. Each changing room (one in the front of the store, the other in the back) has six changing tables for your convenience. Do not change your child in the aisle, at the checkout, or anywhere else in the store.

Our return policy is as follows. You have 60 days from the date of purchase to return an item provided a) you have the receipt (or if you paid with a credit card, the card), b) the item is in resealable condition. Some exceptions may apply (for example if you bring in something 61 days after purchase, as long as it meets the above conditions and you're nice about it, we'll process the return), and customer service can make judgement calls on all returns.

We have four lanes set aside for 20 items or less. These registers are programmed to shut down after 20 items and total up the purchase. If you have more than 20 items they will have to be run through on a separate transaction.

If you are on your cell phone while checking out the cashier will ignore you and take the next person in line. If you can't be bothered to take time out your phone call to talk to us, we won't interrupt your important phone call to check you out.

If you fail to put the money in the cashiers hand, they will not put your change back in your hand.

We will not accept $100 bills for any purchase that is less than $50. We also have new high tech scanners to sniff out counterfeit bills.

If you try to cheat the WIC/EBT system your card will be rejected (due to the new system installed in our registers that monitors what you're buying).

If you try to buy alcohol or tobacco products while underage we will confiscate your fake ID (again, new system in our computers that can spot even the best fake ID), and probably laugh at you.

Do not ask for/demand a discount outside of any sales/specials we already have. You won't get it. As stated earlier if an item is damaged, broken, or missing pieces, we will replace it with an undamaged item. If our security determines that you intentionally damaged the item with the intent of getting a discount, we will charge you for the item, plus a $5 charge for damaging the item in the first place.

We have a vigilant security team watching you at all times. See those black half globes on the ceiling? They're cameras. We have security guards walking the aisles and if we catch anyone stealing something they will cut you off in the aisles, at the register or (if need be) in the parking lot. We will prosecute.

Don't tell us an item is cheaper at our competition. We don't price match. If it's cheaper there, then go there.

Don't threaten to get an employee fired. We'll kick you out and ban you.

Each shopping cart is equipped with an electronic bracelet that will latch on to you as soon as you touch the cart (don't be cute and get your kids to grab the cart, the bracelets are calibrated to target adults). The bracelet will only come off after you have returned the cart to a corral in the parking lot. If you do not return the cart the
bracelet will tighten the further away from the cart you get.

Most of these rules have NO EXCEPTIONS! Only special cases will get exceptions (these are taken on a case by case basis). However, we do not want you to think we will be rude to our customers. We are here to make your shopping a pleasant experience, we are not here to be your slaves or targets for your entitled/bad attitudes. If you treat us with respect, we will show you the same respect. If you treat us like crap, we will treat you like crap.

And as always, what did I forget?

-NC Tony

Awesome Cell Signage From The US Postal Service

 

 

 

NC TONY'S RETAIL SLAVE WISH LIST 3

Like I said a while back, I'm not saving these just for the holidays anymore. I've been compiling this list for the last couple weeks. So here is the Retail Slaves Wish List 3.

Creeper Deterrent

Are you sick and tired of having creepy old guys and women hitting on you?

Then choose from one of our hundreds of pictures of boyfriends/husbands, girlfriends/wives. Already dating, engaged or married? No problem. We can Photoshop your SO's head onto the bodies of police officers, bodybuilders, pro wrestlers, football athletes, soldiers, MMA fighters, firefighters, celebrities (Oh that's my husband, he was Christan Bale's stunt double in Batman), posing with celebrities (Oh that's my husband, and his good friend, Chuck Norris), and many, many more choices. 

Carbon Dating For Returns

Does that shirt look like it was sold when George Bush Sr. was in office? Well let's find
out! Toss any returned item into the RHU Carbon Dating machine and find out when it was sold! Find out if it's even sold at your store! Anything outside of the return period (or not sold at your store) will be ejected out back at the customer.

Automatic Cut Off Registers

We're all sick and tired of customers who ignore the "X items or less" signs, and the
managers who tell you to take them anyway. Now with these registers you can inconvenience them, just as much as they inconvenience you. These registers (regular and self-scan) will automatically total up any order when it reaches a per-determined number of items. Any additional items (even if it's just one) will have to be rung through on a new transaction.

Robot security/LP

Tired of risking personal injury to yourself when confronted with violent scammers/NAT's/customers in general? These Robocop style guards will put a stop to that! Stationed by each register (and customer service) they will keep psycho customers in line with tasers at the ready. One warning ("Please calm down or you will be tazed") will be issued before the rabid customer is put down. For NAT's who grab things and run out the door, they will find out just how fast one of our Roboguards can run (hint: it's faster than the thief). These guards will also walk you out to your car when you're closing.

That's it for now.

I'm sure I'll come up with more later, and of course, add your own ideas in the comments.

--NC Tony

 

 

 

Vending Machine For The Pissed Off

 

 

NC Tony: Let the Punishment Fit the Custy's Crime

So, I've been thinking this over for the past few weeks and finally decided to unleash it on you, my fellow RHUers. This is unlike the Slaves Wish List or the Customer Contract. This is something totally new. This is Let the Punishment Fit The Crime.

Note to all trolls: This is a joke. I do not condone the following activities, nor do I recommend any of my fellow RHUers try any of these things, for two reasons, 1) because in some cases they are literally impossible, and b) they are all illegal. This is simply a joke so please keep your dumb ass comments to yourself.

The idea here is there are so many things crustys do that make steam billow out of our ears and all we can do is grin and bear it, because in most cases managers are idiots who will bend over backwards (easy to do with no spine) to make the crustys happy, even (or should that be especially) when it makes their employees look bad/not even the slaves fault in the first place. These are things that, if they were possible, and not illegal you would do if there were no consequences.

The crime: Parking in a handicapped spot/using a mobility cart when the only disability they have is being a lazy fuckwad.

The punishment: A baseball bat to the knees.

 *

The crime: Trying to get a slaves attention by whistling, snapping fingers, grumbling that they can't get help. Also, walking up to a slave and barking out a one word exclamation (Socks!) of what they need.

The punishment: Getting smacked in the nose with a rolled up newspaper and admonished with "Bad Crusty!", and ignored for the rest of their time in the store.

*

The crime: Pretending to know more than the slave.

The punishment: Being forced to work for the slave (for no pay) for the rest of the shift and the rest of the week (if the crime occurs on Saturday, the crusty will have to work the following week for the slave).

*

The crime: Insulting the employee's intelligence/upbringing/sexual orientation/race, etc.

The punishment: Being the guest of "honor" at a Comedy Central Roast. Except this time the roasters mean everything they say.

*

The crime: Pulling the race card.

The punishment: Does anybody remember Twilight Zone: The Movie? The first segment is called "Time Out" and is the infamous segment in which actor Vic Morrow was killed. He played a bigot who was forced to time travel, and ends up as the nationalities he hates... in the worst situations possible (for example a Jewish man in German occupied France in WWII). That's the punishment here, to be shown what REAL racism is, via time travel. Someone call Rod Serling.

*

The crime: Accusing the slave of hiding more of an out of stock item "in the back".

The punishment: Being forced to go look for said item "in the back"... with the lights off. 

*

The crime: Letting their children run around, ignoring what they're doing, but jumping down a slaves throat, when said slave stops the little monster from destroying merchandise/hurting themselves. 

The punishment: The parent will spend one week in the monkey cage at the local zoo. Not cleaning it out... living there. If the child is at fault (despite the parents attempt to control them), they'll have to live in the monkey cage for a week.
 

*

The crime: Opening boxes, and then taking an unopened box. Dropping merchandisewherever when they decide they don't want it. 

The punishment: The slave goes to the crustys house and goes through all their things, dropping them wherever. Then leaving everything (cabinets, closets) open... including the front door on the way out. 

*

The crime: Leaving trash on shelves instead of waiting to find a garbage can.

The punishment: The slave goes to the crustys house and empties the contents of the trash can all over the house.

Alternate punishment: The crusty must spend a week in the dumpster out back.
 

*

The crime: Using the fitting room as a bathroom/spreading their shit all over a bathroom stall.

The punishment: Forcing them to clean it up... with a wet nap. Then unleashing non-house trained dogs loose in their house. 

*

The crime: Making a return without a receipt or even knowing the return policy, then throwing a fit when the return cannot be processed.

The punishment: Having the return policy tattooed on the inside of their eyes in bright neon colors.

*

The crime: Being on a cellphone while checking out.

The punishment: Having two yapping Chihuahuas permanently grafted to their shoulders. If the customer is on a blue tooth, the blue tooth will be permanently grafted to their ear with Rebbecca Black's "Friday" playing on a repeat loop... with the auto-tune turned off.

*

The crime: Not placing the money in the cashier's outstretched hand.

The punishment: The cashier will also put the money down. Into a box filled with fire ants.

*

The crime: Pulling money out of their bra/underwear.

The punishment: Having a Hazmat team come in and disinfect the money, the crusty, the cart, the floor space where they're standing, and the very air around them.

*

The crime: Using a $100 bill to pay for an order that's $10 or less.

The punishment: Letting every other customer in line smack the crusty in the face... especially if it's first thing in the morning.

*

The crime: Not knowing how to use the credit/debit card reader.

The punishment: Having their card cut in half right then and there.

*

The crime: Abusing the EBT/WIC system.

The punishment: EBT/WIC benefits taken away, and being forced to live off Ramen for a month.

*

The crime: Trying to purchase alcohol/tobacco products when underage.

The punishment: Having their date of birth tattooed on their forehead.

*

The crime: Acting like the store is trying to rip the crusty off if an item rings up for the wrong price, and blaming the slave for the price of everything.

The punishment: Being forced to memorize the price of every item in the store, what's on sale including any and all specials the store is running. Then being forced to recite them back to the slave, each wrong answer results in an electric shock (think the opening scene of Ghostbusters with Bill Murray).

*

The crime: Trying to use an expired coupon/a competitors coupon/being an extreme couponer.

The punishment: Having the coupon(s) stapled to the crustys face.

*

The crime: Being entitled.

The punishment: Spending a month in boot camp (Army, Navy, Air Force or Marines. Slaves choice).

*

The crime: Attempted/actual physical abuse of a retail slave.

The punishment: Being thrown into a cage with a live bear. Or (thanks to the late George Carlin for this one), being dipped in brown gravy, then thrown into a small locked room with a rabid wolverine that's high on meth.

*

The crime: Being a NAT.

The punishment: Jail. Then while the crusty is in jail, giving their address and car keys to a master criminal.

*

The crime: Threatening to get the employee fired.

The punishment: Being set on fire.

*

So, as always, I ask, what did I forget?

-NC Tony

 

 

 

 

Company Creates Additonal Phones

 

 

IPAD Devices Replacing Servers in Restaurants?

From Huffington Post:

No more waiting for the waiter?

A growing number of restaurants are encouraging customers use tablet computers to order food and pay the bill, according to news reports. The benefit for restaurants is twofold: They save money on waiters, and customers end up spending more.

E La Carte, a Silicon Valley startup, already has sold its Presto tablets to 300 restaurants, and the company expects that number to grow to 1,000 by the end of the year, The Atlantic reports. The Palo Alto restaurant Calafia, which counts Google's top executives among its customers, uses the Presto tablets, according to The Atlantic.

Restaurants can earn up to $15 more per table through the Presto tablets by laying off waiters and making it easier for customers to order food and drinks more than once, according to The Atlantic. E La Carte claims on its web site that its tablets create 10 percent more revenue and 16 percent higher tips.

In addition to taking orders, the Presto shows the food's nutritional information and allows customers to filter menu options by eating preferences and type in food instructions, according to TechCrunch. The Presto also predicts when food will arrive, offers interactive games, splits checks, calculates the tip, and reads credit cards, according to The San Francisco Chronicle.

Since traffic to restaurants has been about flat since 2007, tablet computers have become an appealing way for some restaurants to trim costs and increase sales without having to attract new customers, according to USA Today. Steakhouses and some Au Bon Pain restaurants are among the converts to tablet menus, according to USA Today.

At the "Do at the View" restaurant in Atlanta, customers use iPads to browse through the menu, call their cars out of valet parking, change the restaurant's music, and talk to other customers in the restaurant's private chatroom, according to Wired. There also are iPads on the bathrooms' walls instead of mirrors, Wired reports.

Note From Freddy: Someone will still have to bring the food and handle those picky custy complaints! I've heard that Nordstrom and other stores will be replacing their registers with mobile Ipad-like devices. The tablet is taking over!

via www.huffingtonpost.com

 

 

Emergency Signage With Options

 

 

Retail Hell Survival Tool