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December 2007

Definitely Retail Hell


We found this pic on the web and could not figure out what the plastic booth is unless it's some kind of heater. She looks cold and miserable. Definitely Retail Hell.

Holiday Retail Hell Survival: Employee Parking Tips


If you work at a mall or major store with a small parking area, chances are they are telling you to park 500 miles away and then busing you in. This would be fine if it didn't add two hours of commute time on to your day, not to mention when you want to leave your store, YOU WANT TO LEAVE! IMMEDIATELY! You are tired and hungry and you want the fuck out. Why should you deal with a shuttle bus and a parking lot 500 miles away. You shouldn't. When it comes to Holiday Hell parking, you always have a choice. Even if the Mall and your Store Manager say differently. Here are a few suggestions from The Retail Hell Survival Guide:

Use A Different Car. Many malls have employee license plates and car models on file. All you have to do is borrow someone's car for the month. Mom, Dad, Spouse, Lover, Grandma, your neighbor - whoever! If any of these people have a handicap placard you could feign some kind of illness (retailhellophobia is a good one) and you'll really have it made! Just be sure to wear some kind of hat and sunglasses so Mall Security doesn't recognize you.

Get Rides From Family and Friends. This may sound like a long shot at first - "Yeah right, my boyfriend is going to drop me off and pick me up whenever I want." You know what? This is your Retail Hell Month! You are the one working hideously long hours in crowds while listening to shitty Christmas music. You deserve it! Make your loved one understand this. If that doesn't work - barter - offer them something in exchange. You need those rides.

Find A Place To Park Nearby The Store. Oprah will be so pleased with suggestion, though many of you Retail Slaves will not. Yes, we are telling you to walk. Unless there is a blizzard or tornado, the walk will do you good before and after work. Your body and mind will be glad. There are plenty of nice neighborhoods within walking distance of most malls. Enjoy the lights and the 10 minutes of peace and quiet you'll have. If you are closing and don't want to walk a long distance in the dark, move your car on your lunch hour and park it at a close by city meter. Most meters are free at 6 pm and on Sundays (all day parking!)

Take A Cab or Bus. We don't know many Retail Slaves that like riding the bus or can afford a taxi cab, but it's still an option. Perhaps the bus is an easy quick ride from your house or perhaps your married to a rich doctor that will let you spend $50 a day on cab. If they work for you, do them!

Pay For Parking. This many sound a little costly, especially if you are on a budget and don't make much in your Retail Hell Job, but that is why the good Lord gave us credit cards! Your throbbing feet and broken brain are well worth it. Treat your self! Paying for parking is the only way to go in most cases.

Cheat Park. If none of these suggestions work for you and you still don't want to take a shuttle bus to work, then you are just going to have to Cheat Park. You do this by finding a section of the parking garage or parking area that is not patrolled by Mall Cops. The back of the lot and garage corners are great places. It helps if you can get get fake license plates or remove them all together. Many malls now tow employees cars (those fuckers - like a Retail Slave can afford $150 tow charge!), so you will want to be real careful and creative should you decide to Cheat Park during the holidays.

We hope these suggestions gave you some ideas. Screw the fucking shuttle buses!

Hurried Customer

This video will put a smile to your face. However, we warn you the music to it is annoying and sucks. Turn down the volume.

Carolanne's Bitch Department: Black Friday Bullshit

Underground_photo_shoot2_0081Okay, I've seen all the news coverage of the Black Friday 4am Psycho Shoppers lined up and then stampeding through the fucking doors and I feel really really bad for all the Retail Slaves that had to get up so fucking early and be at their stores and deal with crazy bargain shoppers the day after a holiday, but can I just say how MUCH I fucking hate Black Friday from my perspective at a Big Fancy Department Store in Designer Clothing? It's total fucking bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. No, I didn't have to be at my store at 3 AM - I had to be there at 6 because we opened our fucking doors at 7AM. There were like 10 people in line. So I stood there in my department bored as hell, shaking from too much goddamn coffee and my thumb up my ass. We didn't have shit on sale. No Designer Doorbusters in my department! Just the fucked-up Christmas music playing over and over and the air conditioning freezing my ass off. The only customers I had were bitches returning everything (including the shit they wore on Thanksgiving Day) , a bunch of fraudulent Nasty Ass Thieves returning and trying to buy shit with bad checks, crazy ass motherfuckers on the phone, a shitload of Lookiloos asking me to find sizes for them and then telling me they just wanted to try it on. Nobody bought shit. I went home negative for the day. I'm on commission and for those of us on commission, Black Friday was complete fucking Retail Hell! I wonder if all those Slaves that work at Discount Stores and Electronic Stores were being paid overtime or commissions for all the hell they went through at 4 AM? I seriously fucking doubt it. You just know those Discount and Electronic Stores raked in the cash and their Slaves got paid shit. This is why I think Black Friday is Bullshit. The only people that lose are us Retail Sluts and Whores.Total fucking BULL-SHIT! Fuck Black Friday! Glad its over!!!!!!!!!

Retail Hell Zone(RHZ): Bloody Monday

Rhu33Okay, they are now calling today Cyber Monday. Something to do with internet sales. Whatever. At Retail Hell Underground, we have decided to name it Bloody Monday. This would be because we Slaves are bloody EXHAUSTED! Hopefully many of us will have today off. Another reason for the Bloody title has to do with the truth of what really happens on Mondays after a long sale/holiday/busy/ buying weekend...CLICK HERE.