Okay, so fucking Christmas is almost here and like us, you've been working your asses off - staying longer, working late, going in early, being called in on your day off - tis the season to scream "Bah fucking humbug!!!"
It's our sincerest Retail Hell wish that someone is "making" Christmas for you, so all you have to do is show up. But if you live far away from your families and you're single (like several of us), what can you do? Veg out in a dark apartment for a day? Fuck that, The Stores may have crushed our notion of Christmas, but they don't have to kill our spirit. What you need is Insta-Christmas. It doesn't come in a package (we wish), but it's relatively easy to assemble.
All you really need to do is go to one place: Your nearest supersize grocery store. Most of them are open to the wee hours so you can do this at 1 am when you are too tired to sleep. The good thing is there will be no crowds.
We have your list all ready for you. Just grab theses things on the list or make up your own according to what you like. Christmas is supposed to be all warm and fuzzy and happy. Unfortunately for us Retail Slaves the last week has been mostly cold, nauseating, and exhausting. So it's time to coddle your own ass and get the stuff that makes you happy if there is no one around to do it for you.
1. Hit the decorations aisle. We're not talking about putting up a fucking Christmas tree -we don't have the time or energy for that. What we are talking about is buying some lights, garland, goofy ornaments, stupid shit that makes feel happy. If you already have these items at home use them. Putting up a string of light around your TV with some ornaments hanging from it, will make you feel a little better. Also right now most stores put all the Christmas shit 50% so it will be cheap! Don't let Holiday Retail Hell ruin your Christmas.
2. Get Retail Zombie meds. The only thing that can kill your Retail Zombie infection besides not working, is to medicate. If already have xanx and shit from your doctor, good for you! Skip this section, but for us others it means beer, wine, and hard liquor. If you love any of these Zombie Meds, stock up on your favorites my friends! Treat yourself to that $20 bottle of wine or half gallon Jack Daniels! Most of this shit is on sale too. If you don't drink, buy a truckload of your favorite non alcoholic bevs - Jones creme soda, Diet Dr. Pepper, Eggnog, smart water - whatever, just get it! You may also want to make sure you have ibuprofen, you'll need to eat them like breath mints to get rid of Retail Zombie. Other good medication is chocolate and candy! Freddy and Jason like to eat bags of Hershey Kisses, but Carolanne likes her Chardonnay.
3. Get the fucking groceries. We know the last thing you want to do is fucking SHOP! AAAARGH!!! But this will be easy. You are only getting your Christmas Eve/Day pig out food. Grab whatever is easy to make and looks good. Cheetos, salami, and pumpkin pie? Go for it. Roasted chicken, popcorn, and ding dongs? Good for you! Whatever you get, just make sure it doesn't require a lot of cooking (unless you like that shit). Most of us Retail Slaves are too tired for it. We can barely lift the fork or beer bottle to our mouths. When you're in the store stick to snack foods and the deli section. Fuck diets and doctors orders (within reason, you don't want to kill yourself on Christmas day), get the stuff that will may your taste buds tingle and your mind forget about Retail Hell.
4. Insta-Christmas! Get your plastic bags of Insta-Christmas home, toss the lights around the TV or Computer, pop open the cheetos and drink the Jack Daniels straight from the bottle! Merry Fucking Christmas. None of us will listen to fucking Christmas music because we all hate it, but you can always watch some Christmas shows to put you in the spirit. Our faves are all the South Park Christmas episodes, A Christmas Story, and Christmas Vacation. Then you basically gorge - eat and drink yourself into a stupor! Do the shit you love, playing x-box, watching movies, lurking on the Internet, sleeping, whatever! Just have a good time and forget about Retail Hell.
If you are sick with the flu - we suggest a Theraflu Jack Daniels Cocktail.
Also - if you can't afford to shop at Super Size Grocery store - hit the Dollar Tree! They have all kinds of cheap fun shit!