Enjoy today while you still can because Return Retail Hell is about to start and the ground is going to open up letting loose a stampede of Discount Rats wanting everything on sale. Unified in Being-Over-Christmas-Shit, we have only one thing to say to all those Returners and Discount Rats that will surely drive us crazy tomorrow....CLICK HERE.
Finally a day of rest! From the three of us at Retail Hell Underground, we wish you a Merry Christmas!!! We are so fucking glad we don't have to work today! Time for play, food, and SERIOUS napping. When in Retail Hell are we going to catch up on our sleep?
Hey Santa, you fat old badass I'm sending you an email because I've been trapped in Retail Hell and barely had enough time to take a shit with my store working me everyday and making me stay late.
So here's my deal, Santa Badass! In my opinion it doesn't fucking matter whether I've been naughty or nice this year. To tell you the truth I've been both, but you know what? I've had to put up with so much fucking shit from my Retail Hell job, co-workers, and customers, I think I deserve to have everything on my list and anything else you may want to throw in. I like designer shoes and bags, Godiva chocolate, and my favorite car is a Porshe. But here is what I must have Mr. Santa Claus Badass:
1. I want a machine gun that I can use on all the crazy ass customers. But I don't want just any machine gun, Santa. Mine has to be bubble gum metallic pink with skulls engraved all over, leather trim, diamond studs, and made by Prada. It hast to be stylish, comfortable and I don't want it to shoot bullets. I want it to shoot marbles, one that will leave nice big welts. This way I won't kill people, but they will know my wrath and not fuck with me anymore.
2. To Be Able To Say What I Really Want To Say to customers and Managers. I know you can find this Santa. They have software that does dictation, translates handwriting and reacts to your touch. Surely you can create some techy shit that lets people know what I really want to say to them without me actually saying it and getting in trouble.
3. Next year I want the store to provide boxmakers and giftwrappers. People need jobs. I need someone to make boxes and giftwrap because I fucking hate it. My hands hurt right now and my cuticles are torn to shit from making fucking boxes.
4. Get me a Xanx Dart Gun. This is for all those whiny, bitching customers who don't take no for an answer. I'd like it small, compact, cylinder-shaped and in shiny black. Then I can hold it in my hand. A small button could release the Xanx Dart, which the recipient would not feel. The Xanx takes effect immediately and they stumble out of my store relaxed and not caring. I'll need a year supply of Xanx Darts to go with it. I'm sure I'll use several hundred on the 26th alone.
5. I want a bunch of flasks in the shapes of retail register items: a pen, a stapler, a tape dispenser, counter cleaner - whatever you can dream up that I can get away with. This would be for all those customers who ask me stupid questions. After I shoot them with my Xanx Dart Gun and they leave, I could take a swig from wherever. I would like a case of Grey Goose Vodka to go into the flasks.
6. I want you to issue a worldwide decree that you will no longer deliver presents to anyone unless they KEEP THE SHIT THEY BUY! Yes, Santa, I'm talking about NO MORE FUCKING RETURNS!!!!
8. I must win at least $50 million dollars in the Lotto. Surely you must know what next week's numbers are you Jolly Jingle Jerk. Mrs. Claus probably has em tucked away in that monster brassiere of hers. Get in there and get them out Santa!
9. I'd like a month long - paid vacation to a tropical island where I can sleep for as long as I want and be served drinks with umbrellas in them.
10. As you Know, I'm a Retail Slut. My real dream is to be an actress, so Santa, I need you to get me THE FUCK OUT of Retail Hell and get me into Johnny Depp's new movie as his co-star or better yet, have Warner Bros. find me a female Superhero role that I can make bank on and have a doll made into my own image that will sell millions.
That's it Santa. I think you can handle those demands-I mean requests. If I don't get the crap I've listed about - plus those designer shoes and bags - I'm going to be very pissed Santa. I will hunt your fucking ass down at the North Pole and make you fulfill my wish list.
In the meantime, I hope you and the misses have a wonderful fuck-ass Christmas!
P.S. If you have any extra elves not working out, send em my way, I could really use them for cleaning and cooking after my Retail Hell Days. Just make sure they are potty trained.
Retail Zombie has pretty much hit us all. The best way to get rid of this hideous retail disease is to relax and enjoy tonight. Eat drink and merry your ass off! Sleep in tomorrow and do the things you love with the people you love.
It's pretty much everywhere. Just ask the Big Fancy Department Store Retail Slave who sells shoes. He flipped a lid during his lunch and decided to warn us all. Didn't do much good. We can barely keep our eyes open just to write this post.
Then there were all these Mall Retail Slaves pictured below waiting for the shuttle bus to take them to their cars so they could drive home in a state of complete Zombiefication!
This poor Designer Jeans Retail Slave below became scratched and infected when the 100th customer of the day, some Discount Rat Bitch asked him if he would give her 25% off the jeans she wanted. By the looks of things, he should not have said no.
And this poor thing below is a Grocery Store Retail Slave who's legs look they are going to break right off.
This Electronic Store Salesman was captured coming up an escalator on his way to lunch. Apparently he had been attacked by a blook thirsty mob of Stupid Retarded Shoppers wanting to ask the same stupid questions over and over.
And this Retail Whore below got more than he bargained for when he asnwered the department phone and got stuck listing to some Crazy Lady squawk for almost an hour.
We heard the Bloodsucker wanted him to describe every and measure every Black handbag they had in stock and whether or not they would look good on her. She also had him double check with his manager to see if she could get any of them on sale. What a fucking Bloodsucking Pyscho Bitch fro Retail Hell!
WE REMIND YOU RETAIL SLAVES! THE PHONE IS THE WORST PLACE TO CONTACT RETAIL ZOMBIE. STAy OFF OF IT, IF YOU CAN!! TELL SOMEONE YOU HAVE DIARREAH AND RUN AWAY!
Okay, so fucking Christmas is almost here and like us, you've been working your asses off - staying longer, working late, going in early, being called in on your day off - tis the season to scream "Bah fucking humbug!!!"
It's our sincerest Retail Hell wish that someone is "making" Christmas for you, so all you have to do is show up. But if you live far away from your families and you're single (like several of us), what can you do? Veg out in a dark apartment for a day? Fuck that, The Stores may have crushed our notion of Christmas, but they don't have to kill our spirit. What you need is Insta-Christmas. It doesn't come in a package (we wish), but it's relatively easy to assemble.
All you really need to do is go to one place: Your nearest supersize grocery store. Most of them are open to the wee hours so you can do this at 1 am when you are too tired to sleep. The good thing is there will be no crowds.
We have your list all ready for you. Just grab theses things on the list or make up your own according to what you like. Christmas is supposed to be all warm and fuzzy and happy. Unfortunately for us Retail Slaves the last week has been mostly cold, nauseating, and exhausting. So it's time to coddle your own ass and get the stuff that makes you happy if there is no one around to do it for you.
1. Hit the decorations aisle. We're not talking about putting up a fucking Christmas tree -we don't have the time or energy for that. What we are talking about is buying some lights, garland, goofy ornaments, stupid shit that makes feel happy. If you already have these items at home use them. Putting up a string of light around your TV with some ornaments hanging from it, will make you feel a little better. Also right now most stores put all the Christmas shit 50% so it will be cheap! Don't let Holiday Retail Hell ruin your Christmas.
2. Get Retail Zombie meds. The only thing that can kill your Retail Zombie infection besides not working, is to medicate. If already have xanx and shit from your doctor, good for you! Skip this section, but for us others it means beer, wine, and hard liquor. If you love any of these Zombie Meds, stock up on your favorites my friends! Treat yourself to that $20 bottle of wine or half gallon Jack Daniels! Most of this shit is on sale too. If you don't drink, buy a truckload of your favorite non alcoholic bevs - Jones creme soda, Diet Dr. Pepper, Eggnog, smart water - whatever, just get it! You may also want to make sure you have ibuprofen, you'll need to eat them like breath mints to get rid of Retail Zombie. Other good medication is chocolate and candy! Freddy and Jason like to eat bags of Hershey Kisses, but Carolanne likes her Chardonnay.
3. Get the fucking groceries. We know the last thing you want to do is fucking SHOP! AAAARGH!!! But this will be easy. You are only getting your Christmas Eve/Day pig out food. Grab whatever is easy to make and looks good. Cheetos, salami, and pumpkin pie? Go for it. Roasted chicken, popcorn, and ding dongs? Good for you! Whatever you get, just make sure it doesn't require a lot of cooking (unless you like that shit). Most of us Retail Slaves are too tired for it. We can barely lift the fork or beer bottle to our mouths. When you're in the store stick to snack foods and the deli section. Fuck diets and doctors orders (within reason, you don't want to kill yourself on Christmas day), get the stuff that will may your taste buds tingle and your mind forget about Retail Hell.
4. Insta-Christmas! Get your plastic bags of Insta-Christmas home, toss the lights around the TV or Computer, pop open the cheetos and drink the Jack Daniels straight from the bottle! Merry Fucking Christmas. None of us will listen to fucking Christmas music because we all hate it, but you can always watch some Christmas shows to put you in the spirit. Our faves are all the South Park Christmas episodes, A Christmas Story, and Christmas Vacation. Then you basically gorge - eat and drink yourself into a stupor! Do the shit you love, playing x-box, watching movies, lurking on the Internet, sleeping, whatever! Just have a good time and forget about Retail Hell.
If you are sick with the flu - we suggest a Theraflu Jack Daniels Cocktail.
Also - if you can't afford to shop at Super Size Grocery store - hit the Dollar Tree! They have all kinds of cheap fun shit!