As you all have encountered by now, today was the start of Return Retail Hell. If you are an Hourly Retail Slave, it's not such a big deal, your bitch is over Mean Crazies trying to get away with shit, but if you are a Commissioned Retail Slave where everything that gets returned comes right out of your paycheck and you also have to deal with Mean Crazies trying to get away with shit, we suggest you call in sick and stay at home under the covers for the rest of the week. It's better not to know how much money you are going to lose this month.

Every store is different with their After Christmas Return Policy. Some have made it a bit more lenient for several weeks, while others stick to normal procedures. The good news this year is that many Stores have resorted to stricter return policies (they had to do something - Return Abuse is OUT OF FUCKING CONTROL). Unfortunately several of us work at Stores where they are way too easy on returns and we have to take everything back.

Within the retail industry they have something called the Three "R's" of Returns. The "R's" are  basic choices the customers have when returning: Repair, Replacement, or Refund. While most of us have heard about those industry standard three "R's, little has been said about how to deal with Customer Crazies when executing the options, so we have created our own Three "R's" of Returns.

Retail Hell Underground's Three "R's" of Returns

1. Retard Face

When a Customer questions your decision on how to handle their return, give them a Retard Face. It's very similar to a Retail Zombie Face, except you are doing this on purpose. Blank stare, dumb look, no movement of any kind. You'll want them to know that you don't understand anything they are saying or asking beyond your decision regarding their return. The only thing you comprehend is that they accept what you have told them.

2. Release The Beast

If a Customer raises their voice and starts to go a little Crazy Mean, you have the option to meet them at their own level by raising your own voice and go a little crazy yourself, especially if you are 100% in the right regarding the return issue. For instance: "This greasy, dirty, USED barbecue you want to return did not come from our store, we never carried this lower end brand!" Be sarcastic, truthful, let the customer know THEY ARE NOT FUCKING RIGHT THIS TIME!!! Make sure everyone in line behind them hears your brutal honesty (Just don't use the F word like we did, you many get in trouble for that).

3. Revoke

This is VERY important Retail Slaves. There is no way in Retail Hell you should have to stand there and listen to a Crazy Mean Customer yell at you after you've given them your Retard Face and Released The Beast. This is the time you Revoke them. That's it! You are done. Time to REVOLT the bitch. Call in the manager or someone else to deal with the return issue craziness. Managers are getting paid more to handle this. Why should you have to? Let them fight the raging-out-of-control-customer-fire. Also if a Crazy Mean Customer says the least little thing that offends you - REVOKE THEIR ASS BY CALLING 911!!

We hope Retail Hell Underground's Three "R's" of Returns will help you in the coming weeks. They are very simple. Write them down on the palm of your hand if you have to: Retard Face, Release The Beast, and Revoke! May the Return Force be with you...