The Virus Is Spreading...
Carolanne's Bitch Dept: On Gift Boxes



We don't know about the rest of you, but we are in TOTAL FUCKIN HOLIDAY RETAIL HELL right now and Retail Zombie-itis is kick our asses. CUSTOMERS ARE ABSOLUTELY INSANE and DRIVING US CRAZY! Here's what we're pissed about and a few tips on how to deal with the issues.

Psycho Customers on the Phone. They are calling on the phone, asking hundreds of stupid questions, making us describe everything in our stores, and wanting us to basically babysit their asses over the phone. At a Card Store some nut job caller wanted the lowly Retail Slave to pick out five cards and read them to her so she could choose one! At a Big Fancy Department Store a Crazy Lady argued with the Retail Slave about whether or not a shirt came in yellow color. The Slave said it never came in yellow. The Crazy Phone Bitch refused to believe her and would not hang-up.  At a Grocery Store a Customer ragged at a Manager for 20 minutes AFTER he told her he'd refund her for the pumpkin pie she didn't like. How do you deal with this shit? Stay as far away from the fuckin phone as possible. If you are stuck at a counter and have no choice but to answer the phone and you get a Psycho who wants you to be their Mapquest or describe everything, then there is only one course of action you can take: HANG UP ON THEM. That's right disconnect their ass. And If they call back, HANG UP AGAIN. If later on a Manager approaches after the Phone Psycho has complained, blame it on the phone or lie and say they hung up on you!

Impatient Customers. Some customers seem to forget it is THREE FUCKING DAYS before Christmas and it's busier than shit. They don't want to wait. Even for 60 seconds. We've had people start yelling at 61 seconds claiming they have been standing there for a half hour. A raging, impatient customer can make everyone feel uncomfortable and not so merry. Here's how you deal with those assholes: First ignore them. If you are like us you have been infected with Retail Zombie and it's a goddamn miracle you can even work the register at this point. Second, if they decided to wait the 61 seconds for you to help them, DON'T APOLOGIZE!!! You might feel inclined because it's busy and you're by yourself, but this is NOT YOUR FAULT! You are a Retail Zombie doing the best you can. Fuck them. They need to be a little more polite and patient. It's fucking Christmas for chrissake! Third: Picture them hanging upside down naked, covered in molasses, and being dipped in a vat of fire ants.

Customers Asking Stupid Questions. Although customers asking stupid questions is what we call Year Round Retail Hell, three days before Christmas it reaches the kind of out-of-control catastrophic tidal wave that makes us want to flip out and start screaming. We are tempted to say things like, "I can see you aren't smarter than a fifth grader," or "Are you related to Brittney Spears?," or "You have to be the dumbest idiot I have ever encountered. What hole did you just crawl out of?" It's probably best if you don't say these things. Your Retail Hell Day will only get worse with a complaint and write up from a Manager. The way to deal with Stupid Customers during Holiday Retail Hell is to play with them. Sort of like a cat plays with a grasshopper before it eats it. You can use the awesome Retail Hell tool we like to call Secret Sarcasm - where you answer their stupid fucking questions using phrases and voice inflections that amuse you, but they have no clue what you're up to. If you've answered their initial stupid question and they continue to be stupid, you can do one of two things depending on your state of Retail Zombie mind: 1) Brush them off by pointing where they need to go or simply say, "I'm sorry I don't know, or we don't have that." 2). Become that cat and play with them like they are fresh catnip, egging on their delirious stupidity. It's great fun, you'll be laughing your ass off inside and will have a great Retail Hell story for later on!

Good luck Slaves! Hang in there, it's almost over.


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