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February 2008
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April 2008

Toys R Sexy


This one has been around the email circuit for awhile but makes us chuckle every time as we ponder, What came first? The balls or the boobs.

Do You Work Here? Comeback Lines

Retail Slave Dan in Florida sent us this message:

"If one more fucker asks me "Do you work here?" while I hold a PDA/LRT/PDT, walkie-talkie, and equipped name badge, I'll flip the fuck out and beat them with all said paraphernalia."

We are right there with you Dan! While we'd love to see you flip the fuck out and throw down a much deserved techy ass-beating, we felt it was our duty to keep you out of jail.

So this one is for you...


Fed Up Barista: Coffee Customers Need To Shape Up Part 2

Rhulines012bIf you missed Part 1 of Sydney's Top 9 Ways Not to Come Across As a Moron or Asshole to Your Barista, you can read it HERE.

Otherwise enjoy Part 2:

Hey Retail Slave Caffeine Junkies!

Here's the continuation of my advice for coffee customers. Please spread the word. They really need to listen. Especially if they want that double mocha latte with soy made the way it should be.

We continue with number....

5.) I am not your Mama or your Maid, it shouldn't be my job to clean up after you. For one thing, I really don't get paid enough to do that. And also, there are THREE Garbage Cans available for customer use in the dining room area of our Cafe. How hard would it be for you to put your trash in one of them? And if you do manage to get your lazy ass to walk over to the trash, can you at least put your garbage INSIDE OF IT?! You are not doing me any favors by putting garbage on top of, around, or near it. Is it really such a big deal for you to take two extra seconds to make sure your trash goes inside the basket? I think not!

6.) I cannot make the steam wand heat up your milk any faster, I'm not freakin Harry Potter for crapsake. So, complaining about it is futile, and it just makes you look like an inconsiderate prick with a brain the size of a coffee bean. Also, I only have TWO HANDS, not eight, which means that there is only so much I can do at one time, especially when I'm working by myself. It's not my fault half the city has the chicken flu. Please keep your mouth shut and be patient, I will get to you as soon as I can. If you're in a hurry I suggest you get your coffee fix at the McDonald's drive thru.Overhead_coffeebara_2

7.) Mind your own damn drink! If you insist on eyeballing my every movement as I make drinks, it will usually lead to me saying in a sweeteningly sick sarcastic voice, "Please take a seat, and I'll call you when your drink is ready." If you still choose to monitor me, please keep in mind that not every drink I'm making is YOURS moron! You are not the only one ordering a drink. Just because I am putting whipped cream on a drink, doesn't mean that it is YOUR drink. I am not a moron and I realize that you do not want whipped cream. That doesn't mean that the person ahead of you doesn't want whipped cream on theirs. Another way to annoy the hell out of me in this situation is to tell me multiple times that you want your drink to have soy in it, WHILE I am steaming the goddamn soy milk. I already know your drink is supposed to have soy, THAT'S WHY WE MARK THE CUPS! Unlike some of our illiterate customers who can't read the menu, I am capable of reading the side of a stupid cup and comprehending without having to ask 101 moronic questions. Let me do my job people!!!

8.) Speaking of incompetency, do not assume that your Barista is dumb. This one really brews my ass big time! It's extremely insulting, especially since I know what the fuck I'm doing! There was one night where this customer came into the store, and assumed that because I work a low-paying job at a retail coffee store that I must be an idiot. He thought his order was really complicated (even though it wasn't) and insisted on telling it to me slowly, like I was a five year old retard. Then the jerk said he was amazed I got it correct. I told him I'm was amazed he was such an ass! Okay, so I didn't call him an ass, but I did tell him that he shouldn't assume that just because I'm a barista, I'm incompetent. I have known baristas with college degrees. People who choose this line of work usually do so as a way to pay the bills, not because it's their career aspiration. Almost all baristas are Retail Sluts! They have other things going on in their life, and this is just a way to supplement their income. Outside of work, I sing in bands and I am also a published writer, but unfortunately, neither of those things are enough to pay my bills right now. I couldn't deal with being a cubicle monkey, because I would find it too confining, and I prefer being on my feet while I'm working, otherwise I get sleepy, so that is why I have chosen to be a barista. I do not plan on doing this forever, nor do my co-workers, and I consider them all to be bright people. Honestly, you will not make it very far as a barista if you are dumb. You have to be able to think fast on your feet, and have a good memory, otherwise you will mess up orders and face the wrath of fire breathing caffeine-craving dragons from hell!Rhu_lines_015a_3

9.) If you treat a Barista like crap, I am here to tell you THERE WILL BE PAYBACK! It seems as if some people are too moronic to realize that it is generally not a good idea to be mean to the people making the food and/or drink they are about to CONSUME. I have heard about some dirty tricks baristas have played on asshole customers. It's not hard to briefly take a drink in the back and add an unsavory ingredient. I wouldn't do that, but it doesn't mean that other Baristas wouldn't. I've know baristas who did all kinds of things to mean customer's drinks. One like to spit, while another chose Visine as the drink weapon of choice because it gives people the runs. Good times with Barista Revenge! It's not that I wouldn't love to play tricks like that on douchebag customers, especially when they deserve it, but I believe in Karma way too much to do something like that. Although, I do confess, there was a couple of times where someone pissed me off so much that I made their drink decaf when they ordered a regular, which I know is wrong, but I saw it as less harmful than sending them down the Hershey highway!

The point to all of this is: Be nice to your barista. Otherwise you'll never know what kind of drink you are getting! A decent tip in the jar would be nice too!

Whether I'm out at a restaurant, store, or another coffee shop I always try to treat the Retail Slaves with the same kind of respect and courtesy that I would want if I was the one behind the counter. We need to stick together on this one Retail Slaves!

Till next time coffee lovers,


Nasty Ass Thief Shenanigans

Mugshot__schultz20robina1 Retail Slave Shar from Tennessee sent us this funny story about her recent encounter with a Nasty Ass Thief:

I had my most stupid shoplifter as of yet.

She has our clothes in her Kmart bag (we are not Kmart). I watch her tear the tickets off two pairs of pants and put them in the bag.

As she's leaving the store I approach her and ask her to come to the office with me.

She begins by just saying "everything in this bag is mine I bought it at Kmart"

As I am following her to the back of the store she gets on her cell and starts screaming to someone:

"Yes this bitch thinks I stole something. I don't need anything from her store."

The police arrive. Then I tell her just let me see the pants. If they are not ours, you can go.

She pulls the pants out and guess what?

Our store's brand name is in the label.

She realizes this and tells the police:

"I was going to try them on. I always pick things out, take them off the hanger, tear the tags off, and put them in a bag before I go to the fitting room."

You can tell she has had one two many drinks from the smell.

The police man says:

"Do you think I'm stupid? Have you been drinking today?"

She says:



"Well I did have one beer for lunch. I felt dehydrated."

Long story short, he tells her he's taking her to jail.

Her final words were:

"Have they served dinner yet cause I am hungry."

What are people thinking????????

Thanks for sending this Shar! It's a sad testament to how much of a joke shoplifting is to Nasty Ass Thieves: they're actually expecting to be served dinner. We hope she choked on a chicken bone!

Post Easter Pain-In-the-Jelly Bean-Ass Rant!

Easter009ab_2Well Retail Hell Boyz and Girlz.....

It's that special time again where JaSon is let loose to ‘GO OFFFFFFF on another STUUUUUPID Retail Rant!!!!!!!!!

And what's this? Another godforsaken holiday has reeked freakin hell-fire and bitch-stone on my sorry little retail life ass!


Let's fire up the grill kidz!


Eat my shorts you spring sasquatch!  AaAaAaRrRGH!!!

A week ago today, I was pumping green beer through my weary retail bloodstream in the hopes of a female Leperchaun jumping my bones and saving my ass from the hell hole known as retail...I would have begged her to send me to a topless beach on the French Riviera...THIS DID NOT HAPPEN!!!!! Where are those leper-bitches and four leaf clover dreams when you need them?

Still suffering from that MASSIVE Patty's Day hangover……green vomit all over my Ghostbusters Slime....I went to work and was ordered by my dickwad manager to stock and clean Seasonal for the entire next week!!!!!!

I said ARE YOU FUCKIN KIDDING ME?!?!?!?! NOT THE EASTER SHIT! Don't make me do the Easter  Shit mama! Pleeeeeez! I'll do carts for a month! Anything! I'll Fuck a goddamn Palmer Bunny. Easter_005a

He said he wasn't kidding and that my assignment. I would have quit but I'm too lazy to look for a new crappy Retail Helllllllll Job. Fuckers.

So....for the last week...I have been stockIn these fuckin shelves with steroid-induced, chemical-ladden chocolate bunnies weighing 50 POUNDS.......damn baskets giving me splinters.... stuffed animals falling all over the place giving me nightmares.....Bags and bags of candy making me hungry and sick at the same time....plastic eggs rolling all over the place....I felt like trampling them into a million pieces. Bonnets and cutesy bunny bonbons make me want to drink PAAS Easter eggy DYE........AND scream Mary had a fuckin little fleece lamb and I'm going to rip its head off!!!!!!  Humpty horseshit  Dumpty just fell off the wall folks! He's headed for the trauma center.

Every day it got worse. More candy. More baskets. More plush pussy bunnies. More huge PIGGY SHOPPER messes for me to clean up. Candy and broken toys everywhere! I am the fuckin Easter Bunny's manservant MAID. Fuck YOU....MR. BIG EARS!...CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW you filthy rodent!

EeeeekSTER krept up on me like a fuckin Jelly Belly street mugger....I been Cadbury WHIPPED!!!!!....Beat over the head with a rabbit candle......Knifed in the back by a foil-covered Peter Cotton Tail....Kicked in my robin-egg balls....SHIT.....WTF folks! I never even recovered from daylight savings timet he week before...I WANT my hour of sleep back you BASTARDS!!!

EeeeekSTEr...That beautiful creep lures in America's finest DYSFUNCTIONALtrashy  FAMILIES….to roam the store's aisles at free will, destroy everything and ripping open bags of candy that they eat!!!!....Without paying for it! Easter_010a

Come to the candy trough on aisle 16 you dirty fuckin swine! year I am going to have special open bags for thos Candy Trough Pigs and it will be JaSoN's Special Recipe: Flaxseed Oil + X-LAX …..Oh Yeah little piggies..Who's your Easter Bunny Bitch NOW!!!

On Saturday I had to mop up chocolate stains smeared all of the fuckin floors. WtF? I thought it was shit at first. It looked like shit. Luckily, it did not smell like shit! Some snot-nosed little rug-rat had ripped open one of the 50 Pound chocolate Bunnies and used it as a magic marker all over my fuckin store's aisles!!!! And it HAD to me in MY assigned section! What a little douchy Brat Bitch!!!

The messes were so bad I just gave up cleaning and let the Easter Pigs wallow in their dirty farmyard Retail Hell. No use in making the place look nice and shoppable! They threw cards, plastic eggs, grass, candy, and baskets EVERYWHERE!!!

One woman came up to me with a smashed box of yellow Peeps and said, "I NEED more yellow PEEPS! Where are the rest of the yellow peeps!"

I told her they had all been killed in the line of duty by piggy customers just like her!. Boy was she every pissed! It MADE my DAY!!! Happy Easter you fat chicky-ass!

Today it's POST Easter Clean Up! The place looks like 10 Retail SALE tornandos bags of candy everywhere, smashed candy, broken shit, piles of mixed shit from different departments all over the store....Easter_006a

And JaSoN gets to clean it all up.

Look, I'm no professor Darwin or scientist, but where the HELL does a RAVENOUS MUTATED RABBIT get off claiming to deliver eggs and candy to people's houses?

I believe in PLATAPUSSES……NOT giant walking, talking, hopping bunnies handing out ‘BIG BALL-SAC COLORED EGGS!!!!!!!!! Some “IDIOT” had to be smokin some waky-weed to come up with this ROMPER ROOM sHit!!!!!!!!!!

DOWN the rabbit HOLE…..MY ASS, little Alice! Take another HIT of acid blondie!

These back to back holidays are KILLING ME…..and my stockroom sex life! 

It wasn't Heff's PLAYBOY BUNNY, I GOT for Easter…..No HoT Girlz Next Door for me...Instead I get clean up  the aftermath of  the  Porky Easter Parade...I'm so  DAMN  SICK OF IT!!  Why can't  PEOPLE  pick what they want, drop it in their basket,  go buy it and  THEN LEAVE!!!


......What is up Doc?

......Bite JaSoN's ten inch carrot you fluffy bitch.

…..Where is my beebee GUN..Dammmmmm IT!!!

....Rabbit stew anyone?Easter_018a

Time for JaSoN to increase is springtime meds!....and to lay my own damn eggs! Can you smell them? Take it all in! FIRE IN THE HOLE KIDS!!! 

Later Slaves...

See you all in hell,