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Bad Retail Moon Rising

Jasonmoonac I know.....I KNOW. ....what every one of you retail SLUTS, WHORES, WENCHES and DICKSICLES are thinking. ...JaSoN's FLIPPED HIS FUCKIN' LID, AGAIN ! ...He's off his HEAVY MEDS....trippin' out......writing a Halloween Blog when it's FUCKING SPRING!!!!!

...I PROMISE (Boy Scouts Honor),from the BOTTOM of My BALL-SAC that JaSoN and his meds are just FINE!  ..........and I am not Drinking or heavily INTOXICATED......Not Just Yet,..Anyway!

.....But , "AFTER SURVIVING" my own personal CREEP-A-ZOID RETAIL TRAUMA during last week's FULL FUCKIN MOON......It's a wonder my SKULL PENIS hasn't been ripped off my skeletal body and shoved up Carolanne's Ass!

...Now, I'm not a Retail Slave who dabbles in all that OCCULT CRAP or believes in SUPERNATURAL SHIT....But after that "TWILIGHT ZONE DAY", I might just shave off MY ASS HAIR ..Buy an Armani Robe....and EXPOSE MY PHALLIC WOUNDS while preaching  on some nearby Hollywood street corner that........."RETAIL WEREWOLVES" ...DO EXIST....And BITE...FUCKING HARD,TOO!

   ..... This EDGAR ALLEN POE-PECKER Tale began like this:....It's a tranquil day inside JaSoN's mind........Birds are chirping....Hottie girls are massaging spf15 suntanning lotion on his skull head...... (INTERRUPTION... Hey, JASON 'DAYDREAMER!!!!!! Get to FuCKING WORK!!.....stock those shelves,ASSWIPE! )

WTF......Back to Retail Reality!! ......Before I can come to my senses AND RETALIATE...

I noticed outside our store....The sky was gloomy and grey.....all of a sudden 3 women dressed like TRANSYLVANIA-CARNIVAL HOOKER GYPSIES enter.

......(Thought to myself: OK....Jason..Stay COOL!....put on a Happy Face and sell, SeLL, SELL...to THEM!  .....My mothers voice: KINDNESS!! .....Don't JUDGE THEM!)

.....BULLSHIT!!!!!!.......That's when THIS FRIGHTMARE  STARTED!!!!Wolfshoppers

....JaSoN approaches 1st Lady.

  1st Lady (with Long, RED FINGERNAILS and STRINGY UNWASHED BROWN CURLY HAIR) .......JaSoN thinking......How does she hold toilet paper and wipe her VAJAYJAY with those NAILS......that must HURT.

....JaSoN: Can I help You! ...(friendly smile)

..1st Lady: ...... Does it look like I NEED HELP?....Waving HER CLAWS in my face and almost slicing MY NOSE OFF!

...JaSoN: Well,I just thought...(Rudely Interrupted by her)

..1st Lady:......I don't GIVE A DAMN....WHAT  U  THINK! ....If I NEED HELP,....I will FIND YOU!  ....(With a Smirk and Attitude...SHE SNARLS at me showing her CANINE TEETH.)

......JaSoN keeping his FONZIE COOL....walks away sloooowly...not to startle the SAVAGE BEAST!

......As I round the corner to meet the other 2 women.....I catch them pawing at a bunch of cheap ass cosmetics, knocking stuff on the floor, tossing packages on shelves, opening backstock drawers...THEY STOP!....Shift their eyes at me.....AND STARE!    .....For a moment, I felt a chill run down my spine....AS IF I was a PORKCHOP SURROUNDED by a HUNGRY PACK OF WOLVES!    .......One Lady had GREEN EYES and the other had GREY.   .............I SWEAR...Before I could open my mouth to offer any service to them.....The GREEEN EYED LADY'S EYES changed to WOLF YELLOW!!!!! .... LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD might have LOVED TO BE EATEN  by the BIG, BAD WOLF!.......But NOT JaSoN'S ASS! .....FUCK FAIRYTALES!!!!

...JaSoN: ....Can I Help You! ....(interrupted by GREY EYES )

...Grey Eyes: .....HELL NO!

...Green (Yellow) Eyed Lady:  ....Still STARING.....(SILENCE)

...JaSoN...(CREEPED OUT and GETTING PISSED) : thought:.....This is TRIPPY....THAT'S IT!...........Enough of THIS SHIT!!!!Wolfshoppera_2 .......I STARED BACK AT THEM.....with my own KILL BILL SKULL-FUCKING LOOK and JACK NICHOLSON .....SHIT-EATING GRIN ! And then I BOLTED to the other side of the store!

.......Possibly, wigged out by my aggressive Customer Service skills.....I watched The LADY-PACK join the other WOLFWOMAN at the front of the store.

.....All 3 of them came together, and it was as if they knew I was watching from behind a Charmin display...because they all three shot me ANOTHER CREEPY ASS STARE ...the kind of STARE that a dog has before he attacks a steak ....then they GROWLED and stormed out the door! I went back to the aisle they caused so much destruction in and saw SHREDDED packages of MAKEUP all over the floor..huge fuckin WEREWOLF MESS!! Then I SAW they had CLEANED OUT a backstock drawer full of NAIL POLISH!!

The THREE WERE-SHOPPERS had stollen close to 50 bottles! What were they going to do? Paint their claws?

A fellow Retail Slave came up beside ME: ....JAWED dropped (SPEECHLESS)

JaSoN: .....WTF ...BITCHES ripped us OFF!...WEIRD SHIT...

Retail Slave: You Know....It's a FULL MOON.

JaSoN looks to the mess the WEREWOMEN made. Then back to the Slave.  ....Scratches his SKULL HEAD and says:........REALLY.......NO SHIT. SHERLOCK! FUCK ME WITH A DOGGY BONE! I feel like taking ALL my CLOTHES off, LICKING my BALLS and HOWLING at The FULL MOON! Maybe I'll GROW SOME more HAIR and FANGS and razor sharp CLAWS and then I'LL HUNT DOWN THOSE WERE-BITCHES and MAKE them EAT EVERY GODDAMN FUCKIN BOTTLE OF NAIL POLISH THEY STOLE!

      In closing this RANT......MY ADVICE TO YOU RETAIL WARRIORS is this:...Next time you find yourselves working the LATE SHIFTS and/or during A FULL MOON....bring along RETAIL SILVER BULLETS....AN ATTITUDE......and last but not least your BRITNEY SPEARS  MEDS. ..........I KNOW I ALREADY HAVE MINE!

      Til next Time, RHU TROOPERS.....Keep Your RETAIL TITS AND ASSES BURNING!

             RhU...JaSon....StILL CrAzY and NuTS!


Wal-Mart Bitch Customer Gets Told

WalmartsmileyA Retail Slave in Los Angeles sends us this funny Wal-Mart story that could almost be one of our Comeback Lines. We have no idea if any of this tale's origin or if it's true, but we certainly applaud how this Retail Slave handled it....

"A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenties at them allthe way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice Children you have there. Are they twins?"

The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no they ain't! The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind or just stupid?'

"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,' replied the greeter. I just couldn't believe someone would sleep with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'"

If you know who this greeter is, tell them to contact us and we'll give them the RHU Retail Balls Medal of Honor.

Update: Yes, we know about the possibility that this is an old joke that has been around on the internet for awhile...still, it's good for a laugh and we'd like to think it really happened...if it didn't we offer it to you as inspiration for any future Fucking Bitch customers you might encounter.


Earthquake Retail Hell

Renoquake

Freddy was born and raised in Reno, Nevada where for the last few weeks there has been hundreds of little earthquakes. Our hearts go out to all the poor Retail Slaves like the one in this pic who have to clean up Mother Nature's wrath.


Just Another Day of Retail Hell At Old Slavery

The Retail Hell Spycam is on the move. One of our Retail Slave Minions (identity protected) sent us these disturbing images of a typical day at Old Slavery...

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OMG...

Oldslavery2

OMFG....

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OMFGKMWTGAWSS....(oh my fucking god kill me with the green and white striped shirt). At RHU we believe there are ways to handle these kinds of messes.....CLICK HERE.