"I need some good April Fools ideas for my Retail Hell day."
What a fan-fucking-tastic idea Kimberley! Thank you! Next year we'll get more elaborate as I seriously think this should be an important Retail Hell Underground Holiday.
What other day could we get away with being sarcastic and mean back to Customers and Co-Workers and then deviously spout:
Here are a quick few suggestions for you:
1. When a customer asks questions about a product
tell them something really stupid and unbelievable about it. "Oh yes, there's actually a gold processor in this computer," or "The fabric is all natural, completely pineapple based!" or "There's been a shortage of these and people are selling them on Ebay for thousands of dollars!" APRIL FOOLS!
2. Tell them the new plastic and paper bag law went into effect and you now have to charge $5 dollars for every plastic bag or shopping bag they use. You can add to this bit by saying most customers were refusing to pay the 3 bucks so they carried their shit out! APRIL FOOLS!! (would be fun here not to say April Fools and watch customers carry out their own crap!)
3. When they ask stupid Retail Hell questions be SARCASTIC AS HELL! Use some of our Do You Work Here? Comeback lines.
CUSTOMER: "Do you work here?"
YOU: "I did thirty seconds ago, but now I've decided to jump off the Hollywood sign - APRIL FOOLS!"
CUSTOMER: "How much are these jeans?"
YOU: "Two thousand dollars - big pause here to see them gasp - APRIL FOOLS!"
CUSTOMER: "Do you know where the bathrooms are?"
YOU: "We don't have bathrooms, but there's a creepy gas station across the street. - APRIL FOOLS!"
4. Add zeros on to the total of the their purchase and don't give it up right away: "I'm sorry ma'am but it's $2,000, the computer doesn't lie. Maybe it's those Juicy Couture socks?" APRIL FOOLS!!
5. Just be a total Retail Bitch and rag on them for whatever and then say: "I'M JUST KIDDING! APRIL FOOLS!" (even though in your head you might really mean it!)
6. Page your Department Manager and scare them: "A Crazy Customer wants you and she is pissed off, screaming and yelling!" "The Store Manager wants you and she is pissed off, screaming and yelling! "Corporate just called and they are pissed off, screaming and yelling! APRIL FOOLS!
7. Tell the customer their credit card has been denied because it's in collections or their money is counterfeit! Hold the money and card up to the light and pretend to analyze them. APRIL FOOLS!
8. Tell your Co-worker the Store Manager called and there is a mandatory 5 am training meeting the next day and they have to show or be fired. Depending on whether or not you like the Co-Worker, you can opt to wait to say April Fools until the next day when they run into all pissed off because there was actually no meeting. APRIL FOOLS!
9. Pull apart the seems on the bottom of a shopping bag. When your customer picks it up, everything will fall out! APRIL FOOLS!
10. Wear your name tag on your backside. When people stop and ask you why it's there you say: "I just wanted you to check out my ass!" or "My back has a name too!" APRIL FOOLS!
GOOD TIMES CAN BE HAD BY ALL!! THANKS AGAIN FOR ASKING KIMBERLEY. WE HOPE YOU HAVE A RETAILICIOUS HELL-FREE DAY!
HAVE FUN RETAIL SLAVES! GIVE THE CUSTOMERS AND YOUR CO-WORKER'S RETAIL HELL!!!! APRIL FOOOOOOOLS!!!!