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April 2008
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June 2008

Hey Pre-Sale Customers! Meet My Hammer!

Carolsalebitch Hello There Retail Bastards,

Its been a while but I'm back and more pissed than ever.

Shitty sale season is days away and already I'm totally fucking over it!

I work in a famous designer area and our seasonal markdown sale is about to happen and the bullshit questions and crazy bitch Discount Rats  descending on my department and turning into  SFC's (Stupid Fucking Customers) are enough to make me want to take my hammer and bash some heads in.Carolanne_024a

Seriously, why do so many customer have to be aggressively stupid and annoying. The other day there must have been forty women in my department asking the same stupid fucking questions over and over and over.

Here's just a sampling of what almost drove me to hammer-time:

Q. When is your sale?

A. It says right on the gigantic fucking sign you just walked by. It's as big as your ass! How could you fucking miss it and there are gigantic-ass Sale preview sighs all over the fucking store you dumb ass bitch!Carolanne_035f

(Before the markdown list is issued)

Q. What's going on sale?

A. I don't fucking know. Maybe your Momma. Get the hell out.

Q. When will you know what's going on sale?

A. When the planet dickturn passes Uranus.

(After the markdown list is issued and it's a complete riot scene of pre-sale shoppers)

Q. Can you hold these 20 pairs of denim while I go check out the rest of the store?Carolanne_075a_2

A. Can you hold your breath for 20 minutes? I didn't think so. Who wants to pre-order sale jeans?

Q. I bought those shoes last year, can I get a price adjustment?

A. How about I adjust your face with my hammer.

Q. Are you sure this one isn't going on sale?

A. I 'm as sure of it not going on sale as I am that you are a total fucking retard.

Q. Well, this one should go on sale because it so ugly.Carolanne_017a_3

A. So is your face, maybe you should put that on sale.

Q. So you are absolutely sure these wont be on sale?


This time of the year brings out the best beast in all of us. FUCK SUMMER SALES! Lets all get drunk and go to the beach!...and watch Sex in the City again. See you next week Retail Bitches.

(If I'm not in prison for attacking SFC's with my hammer)

Sex in the City Friday - CALL IN SICK!!!


The sales have been hell, the messes horrendous, the customers fucking bitches, you deserve some fun time!! CALL IN SICK! Grab your friends, eat some yummy bad food, get bombed on martinis, and go see Sex in the City! Have some fun slaves. You deserve it! If the NY girls aren't your bag - go pay Indy a call! Just get out and have some good times!

And Sarah, you can come in and mess up our store any time - as long as you're wearing this hat and dress!

Ron Paul Campaign Sale - For Reals!!

Ronpaulsalea That's right! We're not making this one up!

Ron Paul is actually having a Campaign Sale.

He's calling it an End of Primary Season Blowout! How fuckin funny is that?

For $25 bucks, Ron Paulians can buy the Grab Bag and get: magnets, buttons, stickers, mouse pads, key chains, hats, wrist bands "and more!." The RP Goodie Bag also includes a single t-shirt. And on top of it, they are giving free shipping.

With all that crap, it appears he's offering quite the deal along with incentives to buy...

HOWEVER...we think he needs to offer another FREE GIFT.

Something that would surely seal the deal.....and that something would be this: CLICK HERE.

To see for yourself or order, you can go to the Ron Paul Merchandise Store.

Our Not For Reals Hilary Campaign Sign


But maybe a possibility? Who knows!? If you missed our sign and want to see what we think she should have on sale CLICK HERE.

Target Shoe Hell Revealed: Piggy Shopper Invasion

Ballsawardaaa This bold Retail Hell Underground photo essay comes to us from Retailicious Target Slave MK:

Personal Inner Circle of Shoe Hell

"These pictures were taken on Mother's Day, aka Ego-Tripping Bitches Fucking Up My Shoe Department/Softlines Day.

Due to lots of call-ins from high school kids who I KNOW sure as hell weren't calling in to spend time with their respective mothers, we were very short staffed on the floor.

After finishing pulls, backing up, cleaning up spill after spill, etc, our mid-day zones just hadn't happened, but I didn't think it could be "that bad." HA! Just kidding!! I know how those Piggy Shoppers work, they can friggin smell it on you when you're short staffed, and they go out of their way to make your life even shittier!!

So you can imagine my "shock" when I randomly walk by the seasonal aisle to find that MYSTERIOUSLY, all my shoes have abandoned their baskets and found their way into heaps on the floor. Not only that, but the other aisles were FUBAR as well.


In the next picture, please note that aside from one backwards facing shoe, one aisle has absolutely no display shoes left on the shelves, but interestingly enough there is a fucking fast food cup roosting on my displayer.


I would like to add that the next aisle over has a courtesy phone with a trash can underneath. Hmm.

Anyway, we get cracking on picking up after these PIGGY "GUESTS" and we're getting ready to move on to another department when I happen to hear lots of loud, annoying bickering coming from the other end of my now perfectly zoned shoes.

Again, to my "surprise", I find a mother-daughter tag team, ripping box after box off the shelf, shoving shoes into random spots where they CLEARLY did not belong, and leaving heaps of nasty shoes all over the floor.

So what am I supposed to do, go up to them and ask them to stop?

Actually, I've done that before, but I figured it would be a lot more satisfying to belly-crawl through infants and take a cellphone picture around the corner to send into RHU!! There they are, caught in the act like dirty animals:


In this next picture is just a sample of the mess the nasty swine left for us:


All in all, Mother's Day sucked hard. I hope all my fellow Slaves are doing well, I feel your pain! Just remember, the customer may always be right, but the guest is always wrong, and most of them our total fucking pigs from hell!"

Thanks for your Inner Circle Shoe Hell undercover work MK! We bow down to you for doing a belly-crawl to get a true underground picture!  You have some Kick-Ass Retail Balls!

Memorial Day Retail Hell

Store008da From our Retail Slave Girl Tina in Florida:
"Ok, I get that weekends are busy in our dive of a world called retail. Everybody has a three day weekend, except us, the subservents of normal humanity. If the register lines get backed up...well...I'll be a good Retail Slut and open more.... calling all droids to the front for back up...
Then it happens... crotchety old ladies shout - Well I was next!!! - yes ma'am you are, so stay right there and my lil Droildlings will succumb to your evil whims, meamwhile I will take the rest of you devil pigs to the next Droid I summon off the sales floor who probably already knows who you are since they were the one with the misfourtune to slave your demands out there. Yet we all smile and make nice, because we need this job, yes I say to EACH OF THOSE BLOODSUCKERS: Enjoy your day! Oh and if the shelf label said 999 but it rings up 2399 it was in the wrong spot, and it will not get put on the price change report for your snot spawn....:) Have a nice Memorial Day"