Our Answer To Return Shennigans
Chanukah Retail Mishap

Retail Hell Return Tips


We hope the Regurgitating Returners aren't giving you too much bullshit. There's always a handful that can turn our day into Retail Hell. Unfortunately we can't always have RHU's Chauntlauroy around to take care of things, so here are some tips on how to handle them:

The Four "R's" of Returns

1. Retard Face

When a Customer questions your decision on how to handle their return, give them a Retard Face. Blank stare, dumb look, no movement of any kind. No comprendez. No speak English. No clue. Pretend to be Rain Man or an Alien. You want the Returner to know that you don't understand anything they are saying or asking beyond your decision regarding their return. The only thing you comprehend is that they accept what you have told them.Chantreturn

2. Release the Beast

If a Customer raises their voice and starts to go Crazy Mean, you have the option to meet them at their own level by raising your own voice and go a little Crazy Mean yourself, especially if you are 100% in the right regarding the return issue. For instance: "This greasy, dirty, USED barbecue you want to return did not come from our store, we never carried this lower end brand!" Be sarcastic, truthful, let the customer know THEY ARE NOT FUCKING RIGHT THIS TIME!!! Make sure everyone in line behind them hears your brutal honesty (Just don't use the F word like we did, you many get in trouble for that).

3. Revoke

This is VERY important Retail Slaves. There is no way in Retail Hell you should have to stand there and listen to a Crazy Mean Customer yell at you after you've given them your Retard Face and Released The Beast. That's it! You are done. Time to REVOKE the bitch. Call in the manager or someone else to deal with the Fucking Bitch Returner. Managers are getting paid to handle the shit. Why should you have to? Let them fight the raging-out-of-control-customer-fire. Also if a Crazy Mean Customer says the least little thing that offends you - REVOKE THEIR ASS BY CALLING 911!!Chanreturn2

4. Reaction

Our friend Kendra on Myspace reminded us of a Return Reaction that many of us use all the time and can be very useful if you have a questionable return.

It's called Are You Kidding Me? or if you are really fed up and shocked by what you see, the Are You Fucking Kidding Me?

In any messy return instance you can either say, "Are you kidding me?" (we would not advice adding the fucking, but you can certainly think it) or you can use the Are You Fucking Kidding Me facial look.

Saying Are You Kidding Me? is quite powerful and lets the Returner know you are not going to take any shit if they fight you while trying to return something bogus like a used dirty handbag they worn for six months and they are claiming they got for Christmas.

The Are You Fucking Kidding Me look is sort of like Retard Face, but more direct and ballbusting - it's great for returns that did not come from your store or were purchased on sale and attempting to be returned for full price. The Are You Kidding Me Look, can be achieved by wrinkling your brow, rolling your eyes, and grimacing or frowning. It's best if you prolong your Are You Fucking Kidding Me look without saying anything and then follow it with a deep sigh. This lets the Customer know that you are on to their nasty game.

Whether you say Are You Kidding Me or you think Are You Fucking Kidding Me, it's a powerful Retail Slave tool to use. We can't always guarantee that the customer will back down, but at least they'll know you are not some stupid Retail Droid letting them get away with shit!


If only Chauntlauroy could be in charge of all Returns!

Send us your Regurgitating Return Stories and we'll post them on the Underground! Submit@retailhellunderground.com



Everyone shall be jealous of moi.
We are closing TOMORROW!
Anddd...definitely not any returns...we can be dickheads to people when they try returning or exchanging shit. It's lovely :)


I HATE PEOPLE, keep your fucking gifts and shove them us your piggy asses!!!!!!!!!!!

I work the return desk, as a manager....


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