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September 2009

The New Ten Commandments For Customers

Terri14 Here we have a new set of Custy rules sent in from Retail Slave Michael (who bares the same name of a certain knife-wielding killer every October 31st)

In these times of customers abusing the crap out of retailers, it's time for a fresh set of commandments. I'd love to see these etched into stone tablets, one for each which we could beat over the heads of customers breaking them.

1) I AM THE ASSOCIATE HELPING YOU, THE ONE AVAILABLE AT THIS TIME.

I don't give two farts in a windstorm who helped you last time and what a good little whore they were for you. They aren't here to help you now, I AM. I AM just as capable, and in many cases actually a more qualified clerk because I've worked here full time 3.5 years and have been asked damn near everything.

2) YOU SHALL MENTION NO COMPETITORS BEFORE ME.

I care even LESS what the hardware stores that have bigger floors and therefore more purchasing power are charging for the same item here. You'll lose the savings in gasoline driving there and back, and the whole reason you came here first is because their clerks don't know jack. You want to go with the cheapest price? I'll draw you a map and wave as you leave for good.

3) YOU SHALL NOT CONSIDER YOURSELF AN IDOL.Terri7

You are not infallible. The greatest fallacy in retail is "The Customer Is Always Right." Just because you "remember" having gotten something here doesn't make it true. My favorite response to these ignorant assholes is to call their damn bluff: "Well then, please show me where you got it so I'll know for next time." Shuts them up fast. Threatening to never shop at my store again is no threat at all, because if you're playing that card I'm already annoyed with you and want you to go away.

4) YOU SHALL NOT MAKE WRONGFUL USE OF THE NAME OF THE MANAGER.

You think I'm intimidated by you name-dropping the store manager? I know his name too. I talk to him more often than you do, and I know for a fact that he'd rather keep me around than you. If it's a decision I know he can make but I can't, I'll call him for you. If you're asking the impossible, your calling upon him will only result in all our time being wasted, and I'll tell you as much.Terri16

5) REMEMBER THE STORE HOURS, AND KEEP THEM HOLY.

Don't be banging on the doors thirty minutes before we open, there's no cashiers to ring you up yet. Don't expect to be let in five minutes past closing, we're trying to clean up after you slobs before going home. As for all of you stragglers who make it in the doors in time then just wander around for ten... fifteen... even TWENTY minutes after the store's closed, Take the hint when I keep asking you what else you need before we leave and GTFO.

6) HONOR OUR DISPLAYS AND PACKAGING.

Stop leaving random crap on the shelves. This includes your trash, merchandise from other displays, and your children's toys. DO NOT tear open packages like they were under your tree on Christmas morning. If you DO want to see what's in the box, be ready to buy the box you just opened. For that matter, be ready to buy anything you've opened.Jcf13

7) YOU SHALL NOT COMMIT CHILDERY.

We are a place of business, and that business is not child care. Watch your children in the store. If they throw a fit, take them out to the parking lot and discipline them. Do not allow them to run wild and scream within the store. If you won't take care of your spawn, I won't take care of you.

8) YOU SHALL NOT STEAL.

I can't believe it, this one's totally unaltered from the original. Shoplifting isn't cool, it's pathetic, and when you're caught, we may decide to kick your ass and then call the police to drag you off.

9) YOU SHALL NOT BEAR FALSE WITNESS AGAINST THE WORKERS.Terri38

Do not claim you were treated rudely just because we told you "no." Do not make up lies about how you were treated, the management knows better... after all, they work with us every day and the employees that can't behave don't last long.

10) YOU SHALL NOT COVET THE EMPLOYEE DISCOUNT.

It's not as good of a perk as you think. It comes with the cost of working retail, after all... which means poverty level wages, extreme disrespect from most the customers, and cleaning up after you slobs. You want to pay less for that $2 light bulb, apply to work here and know my pain.


Bad Babysitters and Illiterate Library Customers

JasonreadingSpeaking of books....

Custy Hell is not only found in stores, it is any place where the public requires service....like a library...yes a library! 

Sticking with our book them today...we have our very first rant from a librarian:

First, I guess I should start by saying that I work at a library, not a store.  However, considering we get customers (or, as my Stuporvisor insisted I call them, patrons) too, I figured it would count.  Anywho, I just wrote in to rant.


So, I work in the children's room.  I've seen it all: demon spawn, useless parents, screaming babies, and even the occasional pedophile.  But one night when I was working, some lady came in with five kids, including TWO infants.  I think "God-fucking-damn it, I JUST got off break."Carolannereading

But here's the kicker: the KIDS weren't the problem.  In fact, they were not only sweet, they were actually mature for their age.  The babies cried occasionally, but they're babies.  It happens. 

No, I just wrote in to complain about the CUNT that was babysitting them. No more than ten seconds after she shows up, she leaves the kids alone and goes to the OPPOSITE SIDE of the FUCKING building and sits her fat ass down in front of the computer for FOUR FUCKING HOURS. 

And here's the best part: one of the babies was HER CHILD.

So, to simplify: this WHORE was being PAID by the sisters' mother to sit on her ass and let three prepubescent girls babysit their baby sister and HER kid. 

WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?! 

And, according to one of my co-workers, this has been happening for over a month!Freddyreading

But don't fret, for this tale had a happy ending!  Eventually, my fellow book bitch decided  that enough was enough and had the oldest girl (12 years old, btw) call Mom and tell her about what this lazy cow was doing... just as the aforementioned cow came to pick them up.  We haven't seen them since.  Kind of bittersweet, in a way.  I liked the kids.  They restored my faith in humanity (of course, it had since been destroyed again, but still).

Oh, and there's one last thing I want to reveal about library patrons.  When compared to custies at retail stores, library-goers (of ALL ages) have a HIGHER chance of being an illiterate fucktard. 

Can someone PLEASE explain this to me?  Why the fuck would you go to a library when you can't fucking read? There's signs saying "NOT AN EXIT" on the entrance, and people STILL try to leave through it! People put N movies in with the S's, E.B. White with Judy Blume, Dr. Seuss in the Pet Care section... GAH! Morons, all of them!

Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. 

Now I can hold off on committing mass murder...

At least for another day :)


Retail Hell The Book Is Out Online!

Aug09 060

Hey RHU Retail Slaves, Freeman's funny new memoir book Retail Hell is  available on line! NOW! If you want to check it out before it hits the stores, several of my friends and family have been getting copies on line where they seem to be shipping now. Click on one of the bookstore links on the side bar. If you want to get in person, Retail Hell will be in stores by September 1st. Thanks for all your support and inspiration. All of you RHU readers and bloggers really kept me going during the last year.


Retail Hell Spawn Gets Told

Damienfreddy This just in from RHU blogger Joe:

Observed in a local (Washington, D.C.) restaurant:

The place was sparsely populated. Only three tables out of twenty-five were occupied. At the front of the place was a party of four: a couple of 30-somethings and a couple of 60-somethings. They're talking, talking, talking and having a good time.

But wait...they're actually a party of five. The fifth member of their group was a boy about five years old. And he is very methodically going from table to table, unscrewing the tops of the salt and pepper shakers, and dumping the contents on the tabletops.

When one of the female servers tried to stop him, he yelled, "You're not my mommy!"

He then ran into the bar area. When he came back into the dining room, he started chanting, "I wanna go home, I wanna go home, I wanna go HOME!"

And the whole time, neither Mom, Dad, Grandpa nor Grandma even looked in his direction.

They didn't take any notice when he plowed into a server carrying a full tray of food. When he walked up to my table and announced, "You're UGLY!"

I'd had enough. I took him by the shirt and frog-marched him up to his family's table. 

"Does THIS belong to you?  If it does, you better get him away from me, 'cause I'm this close to kicking his ASS!"

All four of them looked at me like I was from Mars.

I pointed out the damage he'd done. They all continued to stare at me.

Then Mom reached into her purse and brought out a candy bar. "Here Michael, come sit by Mommy."

No apology, no discipline, nothing.

Little Michael got a REWARD!

I thought to myself, "Start saving up the bail money; you're gonna NEED it!"



Joe, we salute you and would like to have your baby! Well done!