Homophobic Walmart Manager
Kerry Fitting Room Nightmare 22: Custy With Hangar Problems

Smosh Mess For Less Poopy Hell

Hellpics-029a Wolfycat again. It's my day off, my feet are propped up and I have several candy and fast food wrappers littered around the general vicinity.

I swear my job stress is making me gain weight. Yesterday I had entered the deepest layer of Smosh Mess for Less HELL!

My shift was noon to closing, and my manager decided to make me the go-between bitch and have me do a bit of everything. I was on recovering, sizing the juniors section, shoes, backup cashier, and running racks for fitting rooms. Oh, and on top of that I kept getting called to the Watch Tower (glass cases where the watches, fine jewelry and expensive sunglasses are kept).

The first hour went by busy but uneventful. Then this lady comes in, who I'll call Miss Scarlet. She had a lovely southern twang and had mannerisms very similar to the Gone With the Wind character. I got called to the Watch Tower to help her. I unlocked the cases and stood back to let her do her thing. I watched her for at least 20 minutes try on every piece of jewelry, every pair of sunglasses, and then gawk at the perfumes.

"Do you have (name of ridiculously expensive men's cologne)?" asked Miss Scarlet.

"I don't believe we do." I said.

She wrinkled her nose in distaste."How...slack."

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. She then whipped out her cell phone and told her husband "Ashley" to come to the store. Then she turns to me. "I'm going to wait for my husband to come so he can pay."

"Okay," I said pleasantly. "Would you like me to reserve your items up front?"

"Oh...no. I need him to come and approve of my purchases."

"Oh, okay...is he in the parking lot?" I asked.

"No, he's coming from (town 45 minutes away). He'll be here in a minute."

Damn, he must be one hell of a lead foot.IMG00605

I ask her again if she wanted me to hold anything while she waited, she politely refused again, so I locked the cases once more and we parted ways.

In the time it had taken for her husband to arrive at the store, I had finished sizing juniors, given up on shoes (they are a hopeless case to keep in order during business hours), and ran two fitting room racks.

I get a call to the Watch Tower again, and sure enough, Miss Scarlet and Mr. Ashley are waiting for me. I reopen the cases and Miss Scarlet then proceeds to whine and beg with Mr. Ashley to buy her all this random shit that's in the cases and he ends up storming out in a huff. Okay, then! I lock the cases and go on my way.

Then about an hour later I witness a coworker catch someone trying to smuggle a pair of shoes past the registers. The genius cut the cord thing on the hard tag...but then put the hard tag in her pocket. Our LP guy was quite astonished that he actually had something to do this early in the day.

It was probably three hours before closing and this group comes in. It consists of two women in their thirties, a teenage girl, and two boys under age five. The women are in the lingerie section picking out butt floss, the two boys gravitate to the toy section, and the girl goes to the junior section. I'm finishing up running a rack around that area and then I go relieve fitting room girl so she can take a lunch.

Everything at that point was uneventful except for the large guy that stank up the whole back end by taking a massive dump in the men's room and just grinning creepily at me as he left.

So I plug my nose and start spraying non-scented deodorizer. LP guy comes to take a potty break, taking spray in with him to try and oust the odor still lurking inside. Giggling ensues.

One of the ladies from earlier comes up dragging one of the little boys by the hand. "Where's the restroom?" she asks.Jason2 056

I point directly behind her. A few minutes later I hear two sharp smacks and the little boy's wails echo off the walls. The lady starts scolding him about misbehaving and he yells about his tummy hurting. He keeps crying for a while, but I get a sudden rush of '8-item-ers' and soon forget about them. The toy section is around the corner and lingerie is in clear view from the fitting rooms. After they came back out the lady must have stuck the teenage girl with watching the boys and went back to lingerie to pick out more butt floss.

It was between rushes when it happened.

Everything was sorted, no racks needed running, and I was just putting the non-slip foam thingies on the hangers and keeping an eye out for more custys. The little boy from earlier emerges from the toy section yelling for mommy.

He runs up the aisle towards lingerie, leaving a trail of diarrhea behind him. My jaw drops in shock. LP guy was in the office and was on his way to the water fountain and he saw it. He goes to get the floor signs and I call the manager and front desk. I tell them the description of the mom and boy.

As soon as I get off the phone with them, two girls come up. One's hopping on one foot holding a flip-flop covered in shit.

Without a word I give her sanitizer and some paper towels and send her off to the bathroom. LP guy buzzes me on the phone and says the trail went from toys all the way up to shoes and that we were in bad need of a mop.Freddy2 089

And a Haz-mat crew.

I'm kind of freaking out because custys coming back out of the fitting room are trying to find a way to cross Poop River, manager and LP guy are still marking Poop River in other parts of the store, and I can't leave my post to get the mop ready from the utility closet.

Fitting room girl comes back from lunch looking like she might spout it back up again. I go get the mop and start conquering Poop River. Manager comes back and starts spraying disinfectant all over the place.

Mopping that shit almost took me an hour. I had to change water like 3 times. Ugh.

And it turns out the mom and kid bailed right after that. Perhaps it's a good thing, because if they had still been in the store trailing more shit, I would have made them bathe in the smelly poopy mop water!

The only bright side was that the Nice Cutie Manager guy just made me clear the front end and sort nubs after closing and then horsed around on the intercom to entertain everyone else on the floor finishing up.

No other custy messes from then on ever compared to Poop River.

When a custy makes a mess we say "Eh, shit happens."




Chicken Flinger

That's disgusting!

I was in a Big Lots the other day when I heard an employee shout out that someone had crapped all over the bathroom floor and then SMEARED IT AROUND. Disgusting.

People amaze me. Granted, this little boy told his mom he wasn't feeling good and apparently the poor thing just couldn't hold it anymore. :-(

Stupid mom. People should need a license to breed instead of putting the needs of shopping for butt floss over the needs of your, quite apparently, ill child who has explosive diarrhea.


Yeah, it was the mom's fault. She should have led him to the nearest bathroom even if she didn't think that he was really sick, or whatever. I'm so tired of people not respecting their kids' needs - I've been in malls and other such places before, and literally heard parents say things to their kids like ''No, you're not thirsty'' or ''No, you don't have to go to the bathroom''.


I felt so sorry for my daughter one time. We were on our way back from NC to IN, and she had an upset stomach. We stopped several times at gas stations and rest stops, and I still ended up buying her a pair of sweat pants on the way home. The Pepto just wasn't cutting it. Every time she emerged from the bathroom she was a pale shade of green. I think she was about 12 or 13 then.

I knew the bathroom of every store I ever visited because I went through it all when I was pregnant. If my kids said "I have to go", or "I don't feel so good", I would ask for a bag and we would head out. Why torture the poor kid? It also helps if you give them a diet that doesn't consist of junk food all the time. :-T But that's just me.


OMG! I think that is worse that someone throwing a dirty diaper at me!

BTW I am so jealous you have Loss Prevention. I wish my store had that. We need it for all the theft that goes on around there.


I too know all the nearest bathrooms in my neighborhood (pizza place, drug store, dollar store, dunkin, dollar store, even Staples (I memorized the code)). When the kid's gotta go, he's gotta go! Plus we walk everywhere, so we plan accordingly.

PS, little tip: if a kid wets himself/herself, pour water all over the front of them. It will look like they spilled a drink, and not like they wet themselves. Hides the embarrassment.


That's a really good idea, Mel!

Magical Shrimp

Why do so many "parents" feel their need to go shopping overrides all else? What a horrible bitch!


That shit's (no pun intended) disgusting.


I agree that it's a big risk not to take a kid to the bathroom when they say they need to go but I've used the "you're not thirsty" line before. If the boy asks for a drink and then dumps half of it in the trash when he's all done then asks for another 10 minutes later I'll remind him that he's not thirsty and tell him he's not getting anything else right then. If we're near a bubbler I'll let him have a sip but I'm not about to go out of my way or buy him something in that situation.

Rodeo Ho

I don't know, I've used the "No you don't have to go to the bathroom" line with my 3-year-old nephew before.

He's found that if he doesn't want to go to bed, he can lay there for 10 minutes, get up and say, "I have to pee!" and then go play in the bathroom until we notice he's been out of bed for a while, obviously NOT using the toilet.

In stores, he likes to announce that he has to go to the bathroom, and when we take him to the bathroom, he suddenly forgets he had to pee and starts playing with the automatic sinks, the hand dryers and the paper towels. Also, if he wants to get out of the cart, he'll say he needs to use the bathroom, and he'll get in there and not go.

If he says he needs to go to the bathroom 10 times, he only actually uses the toilet once, so it starts becoming very easy to believe that he does not, in fact, need the toilet.


Oh, how many times I have heard the following exchange:
Kid: Mom, dad, I don't feel good!
Parent: You're fine.
*ten minutes later*
Kid: *projectile vomits Linda Blair-style all over the clearance rack of Barbies*
Parents: *grabs the kid and run out the nearest exit without a word*

Never had to deal with a shit river though. My hat's off to you, Wolfycat!


N/A, what part of Wisconsin do you live in? That's the only place I've ever heard a water fountain called a bubbler.. brings back memories of my aunt always "correcting" me when I'd call a bubbler a water fountain.


My retail experience has made me not want to have children. But then again, three cousins before me had said the same thing and they're all mothers now. I'm scared! :P

But after Poop River was gone, I felt sorry for the poor boy. He didn't feel good and apparently mom didn't give a crap. :(


N/A and Rodeo Ho, I understand and agree with what you said. Of course there are always exceptions. Drinks in the mall are usually pretty expensive, and so it definitely sucks when a kid complains of being thirsty and then wastes most of the drink.


That's why i keep a water bottle in my bag whenever we go out. All he drinks is milk and water anyway. Saves us a world of trouble.


Yeah, that's a really good thing to do.


I live in the Massachusetts part of Wisconsin. ;-) I've never heard them referred to as bubblers outside of Massachusetts, guess it's more wide spread than we thought. I guess my brain is being reprogrammed slowly but surely, I always used to call them fountains too.


he he... I finally figured out what "Smosh Mess for Less" means! Nope. I've never seen one.

N/A, I'm one state south. How is it they don't call them "bubblers" in the Constitution State? I lived over in the western part of MA as a kid, and as far as I know, they still called them drinking fountains in school.


That's odd, I've been to MA before and never heard anyone there call a water fountain a bubbler.

But now that I look it up on Wiki, apparently it's a popular usage in New England, Oregon, and, of course, Wisconsin (because that's where bubblers were invented)

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