We are [Awesome Game Store] somewhere that is not the United States.This is a letter to all the customers who come in and somehow do not notice what we are:
We are not a Daycare
No, seriously, we are not a daycare. Oh, your kids are on break from school? Good for them vacations and breaks are great things. Oh, you want to dump them here all day? No can do.
No, Sir/Ma'am, no. Really, we are a store, not a daycare.
No, if I let you dump your kids here 'just this once', I know you will want to do it every time. No, they can not play in the demo units all day, the demo units are for customers who are undecided, to play a bit and get a feel of the game.
Oh, you are telling your children to stay here and 'behave', because you will be 'back at the end of the day'? Yes, Sir/Ma'am, I am telling you, loud and clear, that the moment you set foot outside the store I am calling Children Services. Threatening me just means I will invite you to leave (with your children) and never return.
Yelling and hammering my counter means my working partner is calling the police, because you are now officially trespassing. This is terrible customer service, you say? Well, I have to mention you are not really a customer, since you are demanding something we do not offer.
You are not coming back? I really hope so.
We are not a Bank
It is 8:05 AM on a Tuesday. You really want to pay for your $2.00 rental with a $100 bill? Sorry, no can do. You can yell, pout, sniffle, huff and whine all you want, I only have $100 in the till to begin with. I will not hand you all my change because you want to break that $100 so much.
Yes, I know the banks do not open for another two hours, but that is not my problem. No, I am not required by law to break your $100. This is not a bank, sir. You say you do not have anything else in your wallet? Sir, your lie would have been more convincing if you had not opened your wallet wide and went over many different bills almost under my nose.
Why yes, you can not show off your wealth and claim the $100 bill is all you have. What? No, you can not 'pay later'. You are not a good customer, or a 'regular'. You rent with us maybe once a month, have a bad habit of returning games late, and canceled several orders, leaving us with 'cult' games nobody else wanted. That is the reason your account is flagged 'no credit' and 'game orders with prepay only' (but I did not tell him that, of course).
Oh look, after 20 minutes of going in circles, you finally gave up and handed me a $5. Was that really worth it, sir?
We are not a Smoking Lounge
Do not light that fucking (cigarette/cigar/pipe/hookah/
You are not coming back either? What you thought 'banned from the premises' meant?
We are not a Porn Store
No. Just... no.
We are not a Bar
We are not licensed to sell alcohol. Our vending machine never sold beer.
Video Games, sir. No matter how much you insist, we never sold beer.
Rinse, repeat for some 15 minutes.