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Crazy Religious Psychopath Encounter

Damien 055 Hey RHU!

Damien here!

So I'm starting to think that I'm a magnet for psychotic religious people.

Seriously, every other time I go grocery shopping one of them starts yelling at me. I was at the store, and I while browsing through the frozen pizzas this OLD (85+) lady came up to me and told me, in no uncertain terms, that I'm going to burn for eternity for my sins.

What is this, I don't even...

She starts badgering me asking why I haven't embraced the "good lord" (seriously, I need to stop wearing death metal band shirts when I go shopping...)

She asks me like 1000000000 questions about Jesus (I was expecting a shopping trip, not a sort of Spanish inquisition), and I'm just trying to tune her out.

Instead of realizing that she's wasting her time trying to convert me to whatever church she was in, she raises her voice until she reaches a very shrill, irritating tone.

Seriously, please don't force your beliefs down my throat. You don't see me trying to convert people left and right, do you?

After like 5 minutes of her pestering me, I just turned to her, and in my best demon voice (think death growl) tell her:

"I don't believe my lord Satan would be pleased if I talked to you."

Judging by her expression, I think she shit herself. 

Sincerely confused,





All hail the church of Easy Mac!

Projection Peon

NOOOOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition.

fasteners slave

dammit! i was going to give the monty python ref! but props to you projection peon..

also, love the way you handled that damien, awesome!


Gotta "love" the religion force-feeders. Run into 'em at metal shows from time-to-time, and seriously, I just paid $70 to see Slayer, you think I'm gonna convert NOW? Money doesn't grow on trees.


@GlamBlood: right?!?!

Bingo Worker

Damien, you deserve the comfy chair.

Timekeeper's Twit

that was pretty awesome


I think I love you


Religion is like a penis. It's fine to have one and it's fine to be proud of it, but please don't whip it out in public and start waving it around ... and PLEASE don't try to shove it down my throat.


@ Nobody: That is the funniest thing I've heard all day, seriously LMAO!

Hellbound Alleee

She'll stop badgering people about Jesus: AFTER THE SPACEMEN COME ON X-DAY AND VAPORIZE HER!

That's right, friends. But the GOOD NEWS is that you can be saved. All you have to do is send $30 to the Church of the Subgenius. No other religion guarantees you salvation or TRIPLE your money back!

And do you go to heaven, friends? Heaven, yes, sure. But you also get ALIEN SEX GODS AND GODDESSES who will have SEX with you, guaranteed! They'll even shape shift to look like that guy or gal you had a crush on in 9th grade!

And that bully who tormented you; that SC who vexed you, that boss who fired you? You'll have a FRONT-ROW SEAT to watch that Pink Boy or Girl get VAPORIZED by the X-ists! What are you waiting for? SLACK! SLACK! OK? YES!


One of the things I've learned in situations like this is that escalation will only make things worse. Being religious myself I tend to find people like that embarrassing (we aren't called to make asses of ourselves) and, to be frank, irritating. It's rude and uncalled for.

I tend to be a mystic though (go figure, a christian mystic?) and often find myself at odds with the mundane world.

Anyway, escalation, yeah. It's so tempting to bop them back with their own medicine but that just justifies their behaviour and "proves" that she was right about you. It escalates the situation and may result in her coming back for another round at some point. Better to remind her of 1 corinthians 13v5. "[love is] not rude, it is not self-seeking, nor easily angered and keeps no record of wrongs." Convict her by her own faith and remind her of the path she allegedly chose to follow. There's nothing I love more than the crestfallen look that minority of alleged christians get when I remind them what they claim they've signed up for.

Christianity is meant to be about love and peace and all that hippy stuff. We aren't called to judge others, despite what a few pulpit bullies might say; judgement is God's turf and if we usurp it we're claiming we know better than God himself who is right and wrong. I can't say where you'd go at the end, Damien, but I have a pretty good idea where that old fool will end up when she pops her clogs. There won't be any halos, that's for sure.


Heh, I get so sick of women (it's always a woman too) like here. Mind you, my mom is going to be a pastor, and I want to be a youth pastor, so I'm not exactly non-religious. Saying that, in my anime club we would play Magic and if not for lack of money to get it started would have started playing D&D. The members were two Wiccans, an Atheist, two agnostics, and two Christians. That is how Christians should be, not these fuckups who give us a bad name. I also must say, not all of us see something wrong with death metal, some of us can headbang. I must applaud you for what you did.


Archonix: so what i gather from your comment is that because i wanted to be left alone, i proved her right and am therefore going to hell? and yes, i was baptized christian, i just no longer follow it.

Arenlor: I have a catholic friend who is into nothing but Satanic Norweigan black metal xD


No, damien, it proved her right in her own mind. Your reaction would make her think she was right about you. I didn't say that it would make her right. I can understand your confusion as it looks like I missed that last little bit out when I was writing the post. Read the whole post again, you'll see I took your side, not hers.


See, this is what happens when you wear your "Hi, My Name is Damien" tag out in public.

Magical Shrimp

I haven't had this happen to me yet, I just get curious looks from Mennonite kids for having short spiky hair and an eyebrow piercing. So they must stare at a lot of women.

I think the combo of "nosy" and "religious fervor" gets pretty intense in the older crowd. Some people get to a certain age and they just don't seem to have anything better to do anymore than to make a hobby out of everyone else's business.


Archonix: I see now, sorry for the confusion


I try to be gentle with women like that because there's so often a good reason for their behavior. We had one in my home town who would walk around talking to people, handing out tracts, stuff like that. She was annoying and many people would taunt her and laugh at her. I didn't because I knew why she was doing it. Her daughter moved to my town for college back in the 70s, wound up with a bad crowd, and died of a drug overdose. The mom moved to my town and dedicated her life to trying to keep students straight and off drugs the best way she knew how. Perhaps not the greatest way of helping but I'm sure she helped some people and it certainly seemed to bring her peace. Last I heard she was still there although she has to be pushing 80 by now.


i'm usually nice to them, and just politely tell them "no thanks," but this lady got me on a bad day.

Just A Lurker

I've never been in this situation, but if I were I'd love to have a business card that said I belonged to the church of St. Francis United in the Glorious Omnipotence of the Almighty, Wise, and Awesome Yahweh.

Granted, the name could use some work, as long as the acronym stayed STFUGOAWAY.

Little Mall Worker

I've been there. Had a woman look at me weird when I said "no thanks I'm pagan" Then she proceeded to rant about how she was a Wicca but converted after she started to hear voices...

NC Tony

Looks like I missed my chance for the Monty Python reference dammit! I used my best Nathan Explosion voice to say what you said, and I don't blame her for running off like Satan himself was coming after her. I try to be polite when people like that approach me, but when they come at me like I'm evil incarnate, or start yelling for no reason, then I turn my sarcasm and asshole dials up to ten and let them have it with both barrels.


My fiancee is into metal. He has shirts that say "I AM PAGAN" "Christians to the Lions" "Why worship a god when you can worship satan" and one that is the most offensive around here is a shirt from Mayhem Festival. Instead of Jesus on a cross, they have the skull guy (their icon i guess) nailed to the cross. Now I live in NC, the bible belt, and literally there are more churches than gas stations.


You know, I keep expecting something like this to happen to me, but it never does (especially when I wear my Bloodbath shirt with a demon vomiting on crucified Jesus). I guess it throws them off to see a tiny chick in a death metal shirt instead of a dude, or something. I've got a great ready-made response in the form of the Star of David pendant I wear, too.


@K: First off, Bloodbath kicks ass. Second, I was wearing an all shall perish shirt that day, with a zombie WW1 soldier on it. I avoid wearing my cannibal corpse shirt whenever i have to shopping, just because I know someone is going to give me shit for it xD


To Nobody: I loved the quote and it is now my status LOL. Thanks for making my day!


Damien, don't avoid wearing any shirt you want to wear because it might offend someone else! If they don't like it, they can go down another aisle until you're done with your shopping! F*ck them hard!!


honestly? I found the best way to get rid of them is to either say I'm catholic or go "God is my God, jesus was his son." smile, and walk away. most of the time they are too flustered trying to understand what I meant to say much. or at least it works if they ask you if you have accepted jesus as god.

Bitch Boy

My mother has an interesting response to people who ask her if she has found Jesus:

"I'm Jewish, we speak directly to God. Why would I need an intermediary?"


I had a guy do something like this to me back when I was in high school. Followed me around, quoting the Bible at me, and I knew enough of the Bible to tell him the versus he was quoting back at him. He just didn't seem to want to leave me alone, though, so finally I just told him I was leaving, and walked away into a crowd.

Some people just amaze me with their lack of understanding that others might not share their beliefs. Which reminds me, the results of the U.S. Religious Knowledge Survey really made me sad (and laugh). Remembering church when I was a child, though, I can kinda see why the results were that way.


I try to be very polite to everyone, and that means everyone. No one gets helped in this world if I reply to rudeness with rudeness. The funny thing is, I get accosted more by republicans than I do by religious people. The fact is, they aren't going to convert you, you aren't going to convert them, just walk away. If that is impossible or I just don't want to for whatever reason, I simply say, "Those are your beliefs. Let me tell you mine."

Oddly, my beliefs on Christianity usually don't gel with theirs (I'm a non-denominational, full-gospel, well-read kinda religious person), so THEY actually walk away. Weird, that.

As to T-shirts that can be viewed as offensive by others, I used to wear them, too. Then I realized that I couldn't be upset or annoyed if I received a negative reaction or was preached at, since the sole purpose of wearing such a t-shirt is to cause a reaction. But that's just me and certainly not a reflection on anyone else.


The sole purpose of those shirts is to offend? Really? So, it doesn't matter that I like those bands, or think the shirts are cool looking/comfortable, I'm just wearing them to offend people.


Freedom of speech, praise the lawwwd. :P


Damien, I was referring to personal experience in my entire comment. If it came off that I was in any way saying that everyone feels that way, then that is not how it was intended. In fact, I even said, "But that's just me and certainly not a reflection on anyone else."

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