I have been slinging deli meats for around three years now, and in general I do enjoy it. Many of my regular customers know me by name and know exactly what they want and say please and thank you.
However, there are many customers who drive me completely insane, so I was forced to compile a list of rules for being the perfect deli customer.
1. Listen for your number to be called, and be at the counter when it is.
When your number gets called, guess what? It's your turn! Now!
Don't make everyone else wait because you were spacing out or talking. And don't you dare get pissed off because you weren't paying attention.
The faster I wait on you, the faster I can wait on everyone else.
2. Hang up your damn cell phone.
Nothing pisses me off more than waiting on someone who gives me the "one sec" finger while they talk on their phone.
It's great that your third cousin's wife's best friend is moving in with her step-brother's aunt's cousin, but you're here for bologna, not gossip.
You're holding up the line, jackass.
3. Know what you want when you're about to get waited on.
I've seen you every single week for at least 6 months. How do you not know what you want? You just waited in line for at least 20 minutes, so how have you not decided?
If you're unsure of something, I will more than likely tell you whether or not it is absolutely disgusting. Also, almost everything we carry is on display, so don't ask me if we carry something you don't see.
And don't scoff at the store brands, you pretentious jerk.
4. If you want it sliced fresh, tell me!
If you don't, you're getting it pre-sliced. We pre-slice several of our sale items so we can get you the hell out in timely manner. If you want something sliced a certain way, tell me. If you're unsure how you want it, I'll show you the first slice so you can tell me I'm doing it wrong. Don't let me slice a pound of something and then tell me I sliced it wrong. That's a waste of goddamn food, you picky bitch.
5. Speak the hell up.
Most of the time there are 5 slicers running behind me. They are loud. Don't get offended when I say I can't hear your incoherent mumbles.
6. If you're going to say please, don't tack it on like you forgot.
I don't care if you say please. Just tell me pound of this, pound of that, and thank you. You awkwardly saying please a few seconds after you order is a bit, well, awkward. It also seems a bit rude. Is it really that hard to be polite? Your mother would be ashamed.
7. Don't bitch at me because we're out of stock on a product.
I am not the manager. I do not order our products. I also apologize and try to offer a comparable product for you to at least sample. Also, we don't carry Boar's Head meats, and because I shop here too, I don't know how they taste or how our products compare. They carry Boar's Head at Stop and Shop, and Stop and Shop is for bitches.
8. Thank me at the end of your order.
I serve you. I give you food. I am polite, and I slice everything exactly how you want. Don't I deserve just a teeny tiny bit of gratitude?
Okay, so maybe you were a complete asshat who was rude, mumbled, talked on their cell phone, awkwardly said please, and threw back pre-sliced cheese at me because you did not indicate that you wanted it sliced extra extra thin. I thanked you and told you have a nice day, and you just gave me that look. That look where you are of nobility and I...I am just a deli serf.