Misinformed Custy Gets The Facts
Halloween Hellspawn!

"Commands" Every Hellspawn Should Know

Batspawn2 From Humor Me (Pharmacy_Psycho):

Having had dogs since I was in my teens, and children half my life, I thought I would preach to the choir and try to let every parent know what things every child should know by age 3.

These are basic, easy-to-understand commands (yes! commands!) that children should be able to understand and do without question. They are meant for the child's safety and the parent's and retail slave's sanity.

You'll note that they are very close to the commands taught to dogs, but a well-behaved dog is as welcome as a well-behaved child. 

SIT (down) - That's sit in the shopping cart in the area designed for children.

Twenty-five years ago they didn't have carts designed for multiple, small children shaped like cars, etc. so you had to put your kid in the basket.

If your kid is 8 years old, unless s/he's got some physical disability, s/he can walk and let the younger ones ride. If you have more than the cart allows, you need counseling in birth control (multiples don't count unless you are Octomom).

STAY (where I can see you) - That goes for all of the older siblings up to teenagers.

If you have teenagers with cell phones, great! You can set up a calling network that says, "I'm headed to the check-out. We leave in 15 minutes. If you aren't there, you'd better hope someone else is willing to come and get you."

COME (here) - That means NOW! Not strolling through the aisles touching everything on the way.

LEAVE IT - I'm not buying it, so put it right back down where you found it and keep your (paws) off of it.

QUIET - Self explanatory. Batspawn

POTTY BREAK - Take one before you leave the house and before you head to the check-out, especially if you have been shopping for a long period of time. Used disposable diapers go in the TRASH in the restroom.

Not in the bottom of the cart in the parking lot.

WANT A TREAT? - This is good for children starting to get fidgety.

Toasted oats (Cheerios), baby carrots, fish crackers, and other small finger foods are good.  Stealing them off the shelf is NOT good.

Bringing a favorite small toy is also a good idea. You can bring a shoelace and tie it to the cart so it doesn't get lost. Taking items from the shelf so your kid can play with it is NOT acceptable. We are likely to hear your kid scream bloody murder when you dump it at the register in the end.

Feel free to print this off and share it with your entitled crusty friends or drop them anonymously in your local shopping center carts.

I have no desire to win copyright royalties, just to see better behaved children.

--Humor Me





A mom after my own heart. Can you believe that some people actually shake their heads in disgust and mutter when they hear me issuing one word commands in my mom voice? Of course they're usually either childless or their brat is 30 feet away demolishing a display so their opinions on child rearing are of no interest.


I tend to treat the kids in my life like my dogs. I am the benevolent dictator that doles out treats when commands are obeyed. It has worked well so far.


LOL, that's awesome! Will be thinking about that when a custy's hellspawn are wrecking things at work.


I have never had a meltdown when we were shopping that wasn't handled by a 5 minute trip to the car for a time out. 90°F in the summer or 15°F in the winter calms a kid down in a hurry. I could probably count on one hand the number of times we had to do that with all three kids combined because we had those rules. Shopping with both parents on the weekend made it so much easier too.

If every parent took the time to teach their children the basics of life etiquette (I was only allowed to ask for water when visiting someone's house. If we were given another option, then that was okay), I swear the whole world would start to start to crumble!


I love this post. This needs to be handed out to EVERY woman leaving hospital after giving birth.


I disagree Logan, you need to use a mixture of methods. When you're short on time or there's a safety issue or whatever you need to use the short commands and show them who's boss. When you can you should give kids reasons (like "I don't want to go to the grocery store right now either but we need to get these things to make that dinner you want tonight" for example) and offer to make a deal in some situations. My son hates the shoe store for example so if I need to go in there I can either tell him that we're going in and make him miserable or I can offer him a deal. Usually it winds up being something like 10 minutes in the shoe store followed by a ride on one of the coin-op rides or 10 minutes looking round the Disney store. I can spare those extra few minutes and it teaches him negotiating skills. Instead of being cranky he realizes that his opinion is valued and it reinforces the lesson that when I use the one word commands it's for good reason.

NC Tony

Dropping them in shopping carts would be a good idea except for the fact that every irresponsible parent thinks that their special little snowflake can do no wrong, and that your list doesn't apply to them. And while the word "No" has been a part of my vocabulary ever since my son was old enough to understand, I've found myself using a lot of the commands on that list over the last several years.


There is a customer with 2 little boys. One boy is nicely behaved. The other appears to be a little demon. The mother takes one of those car shaped pain in the butt carts and keeps the little demon in it. Every time they go through the checkout, the little demon attempts to steal some gum/candy. Every time the mother just takes the gum/candy, stashes it somewhere on the shelf and the kid screams, cries, and screams. Last time it happened, the kid clung to the candy display while the older brother pushes the cart through. The mother does nothing. Is this a case where doing nothing is the best thing to do?


I would guess the little demon boy has some sort of special needs cashykat. Usually when one kid is very well behaved and the other isn't that's the case.


Two the fool who said you need to make deals with your kid on occasion.
No you absolutely do not make deals with, or bargain with your child. The parent says what is to be done and then it is done. This isn't to say you can't reward good behavior. But it should be your choice when to reward it not the child's. This isn't mean, and horrible, and cruel, it's called being a parent. You give your child options when you can and teach them how to make good decisions.
Also when said child is a teenager and you've used the "bargaining method" (read with extreme sarcasm) welcome to hell, you created it yourself, now you live with it.


I forgot that I had posted this link on RHU's Facebook page awhile back. I went back and read the comments about the sign, and they are still going! (last post October 20th) Seems this is a very touchy issue. I still stand by what I say. You have rules for how your kids will behave when they are out, and you remove them from the situation when they get out of hand. I still say a quick swat on the behind (not beating them within an inch of their life) for emphasis is *sometimes* called for, but removing them from the situation whenever possible is usually the best.


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