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October 2010
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The Desire To Help Never Leaves

RHSEPT 468 From Humor Me:

No, I haven't found a job yet, but when you have been in retail as long as I have, and you have that built in "Can I help you?" gene, you just can't stop yourself when you see someone who looks totally lost.

So I was in "the Bullseye" last week getting some stuff because its the only store I can get to by foot. Granted it still takes me 30 to 45 minutes even though its 100 yards to the corner of the parking lot and then diagonally across, but its the best I can do.

I was getting some basics like milk and bread because I was completely out and couldn't make cereal or a sandwich without them, when I see a lady looking lost.

ME: *mentally thinking "I'm going to pay for this"...* "Having trouble? I used to work retail. You know you can use one of those red phones *points to phone on post RIGHT THERE* and they can tell you right where to find something."

CRUSTY: "Oh, they never can tell you where to go. I'm looking for ice cube trays and drain boards."

ME: "Well, I could probably figure it out, I know about where they keep stuff in general. Let's look."

*believe me. If I hadn't been in a mobility cart, I wouldn't have even considered it*

We are wandering up and down the aisles and I find stuff like the cooking utensils.

ME: "You'd think they would be right in here. Are you sure you don't want to call? There's another box right over here."

*points to another red box about 10' away*

CRUSTY: "No. They probably don't have what I'm looking for anyway!"

*I turn the cart around*

ME: "Let me get a better look at the other end of the aisles."

"Oh Look! Here are the drainboards!"

Crusty proceeds to look at every single drainboard deciding it was too expensive or didn't point the right way, and as she looked at each one, would toss it back at the shelf!

I would go back and straighten it up behind her, all the while resisting the urge to bash her over the head with each one.

Mind you, I don't even WORK THERE!

CRUSTY: "I only came here because I got a $10 gift card. I saw ice cube trays at Wal-Mart, but I didn't like the shade of blue... it was too dark."

I'm thinking, "The ICE CUBE TRAYS WERE TOO DARK?!!! Who the fuck sees ice cube trays? They sit in your fucking freezer all the time making fucking ICE! Unless that's where you keep the eyeballs of the people you have killed, you fucking anal-retentive bitch!

*smiles sweetly*

ME: "Well, sorry I couldn't help you. Good luck!"

*Drives to the next aisle, grabs grapefruit spoons and proceeds to dig out my eyeballs so I can't spot another lost crusty*

-- Humor Me


Entitled Black Friday Customer Gets Told

BallsawardAAAa Gas Peddler gets a Retail Balls Award for ending the temper tantrum of a customer bully:

Hi, all. Gas Peddler here with a Black Friday win.

I had to run errands for my mom on Black Friday--we were low on dog food and since we have a couple of pregnant dogs (My mom breeds dogs--and it's way legit! No nasty puppy mills here.), we needed more.

I headed over to Bullseye since they have the best deal. Fortunately, most of the madness had died down, as it was around 4:00 p.m. I even found a parking spot! As I meandered over to the checkout area, I spotted a custy about to get a new one torn.

After listening in for a minute, she was apparently trying to get a product that was sold out. It wasn't a simple case of "Oh, it's out? Okay, that's fine, I'll be on my merry way now."

This chicklet was LIVID.

"Why the hell don't you have any more *product X*?!?!"

"Ma'am, we sold out of them before noon. We'll be getting more soon, but..."

"NO! I want you to get me one NOW! Do you want to ruin my kid's Christmas?!"

Now this particular specimen was rail-thin, tanned to the point of making "melanoma" a color, and had those nasty blonde highlights that were spiked up so that she looked like a hawk.

She also had what was clearly a knock-off Coach purse. The poor sales girl looked 17 at most and was practically in tears.

I was NOT letting her get away with it.

"Hey--She told you they were SOLD OUT. You CAN'T get one here. That's your fucking problem, not hers. You have NO RIGHT to treat people like that, EVER. She's probably been here since 3:00 this morning and has been working her ass off. Leave her ALONE."

Hawk Lady was stunned, gave me a deer-in-the-headlights look, and left.

The sales girl thanked me and I told her to not take shit from anyone and that nobody ever has the right to abuse her like that.

I paid for my stuff and went home to make turkey noodle soup with the leftovers and consume copious amounts of wine--I had to work on Thanksgiving and was STILL tired. But hey, the wine was damn tasty.

I'm thankful for my stepfather's discriminating palate when it comes to alcohol.

--Gas Peddler


Kerry On Shitty Coworkers

OCTOCAROL 310 Hello, fellow slaves!

Kerry here (Kerry's Retail and Fitting Room Nightmares), because I don't have a cool or interesting nickname like most of you do.

Today's topic... shitty co-workers.

Ones that make you want to sprint from the store screaming in torturous agony. Ones that make you want to bash them over the head with a scan gun and knock some work ethic into them.

My story is as follows:

There is this girl, who I will call Slow As Shit, who works in my department.

I knew SAS in high school, and she is a very nice girl. I taught her the Pledge of Allegiance and the Star Spangled Banner in American Sign Language my senior year of high school. She is hard of hearing and wears hearing aids, but that does not prevent a person from possessing the ability to actually WORK, considering she is perfectly mentally sound.

Slow as Shit gets scheduled for ONLY four to six hour day shifts and gets to leave. Every goddamn day I am scheduled to work, SAS is scheduled before me.

And every goddamn day I come in, it's a God-awful, hideously disgusting display of innocent shirts, pants, dresses, and jackets succumbing to their deaths of falling from a murderous height followed by herds of trampling piggies and much bigger beasts.

It looks like a charging rhinoceros pulling a bulldozer ran rampant through the store, focusing solely on my department's displays and merchandise.


This girl either can't, or won't, keep up with the work in my department. Don't get me wrong, I totally understand when the store is crazy busy and it's near impossible to keep up the department alone.

But EVERY DAY?? Even when it's slow?? HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?!?!

I came into work one day on a slow to normal paced day, while Slow As Shit and I had short time of overlapping shifts. She immediately said to me “It's been crazy today.”

I looked around and saw no evidence of that in any other department except mine.

Not but a few minutes later as I was folding denim, she said to me, “It's so busy in here!”

There were FOUR fucking customers in the entire department!! Are you fucking shitting me?!

I responded with, “This is NOTHING. If you think this is busy, wait until Christmas really starts.”

And that conversation took place over a month ago. She apparently cannot work alone, no matter what the sales are like. However, the person who writes the schedules finds it necessary to still put her on alone ALL the time, making my life another addition to retail HELL!

She has apologized to me multiple times for leaving me messes and piles of returns when I come in, and I have told her multiple times that she needs to step it up and work faster.

All she responds with is, “I know.”

Yet, she never does! What the fuck is so hard?!

Am I seriously the only one in this department who does any fucking work?!?!


I guarantee you all, if SAS was not scheduled before me every day, half of my fucking retail hell piggie mess pictures would not even exist.

Until next time, slaves,



Smosh Mess: Coworker and Coin Hell

Smoshmess From Wolfycat:


Things at Smosh have started to get better. Bob has been relocated to another location and has been replaced by a man I shall call Fabio, as he could probably be Fabio's Latino brother.

Although, he is a little on the short side and wears his hair in a braid. He also gets mistaken for a woman by blind ass custys who try to get his attention by saying "ma'am," and then get pissed off when he doesn't respond. He trusts everyone to get tasks done efficiently.

Barbs and him got into a bit of a conflict that I didn't hear the whole story until afterwards. She sent all the rest of the backup cashiers to recover sales floor when the regular cashier was on a lunch, leaving NO ONE on cashier.

So then she pages ME up to the front to cashier. One problem. I was the ONLY one in fitting rooms and I couldn't just leave.

I'm like WTF???

Then Fabio came in and paged one of the backup cashiers to go up front. About a second later we heard Barbs on the intercom saying "cancel."

Fabio is like WTF???

Then, a custy walks up and huffs that there's no one on registers and there's a huge line.

So Fabio tries again...

Fabio: All cashiers to the front.

Barbs: Cancel.

Fabio: All. Cashiers. To the front.

Barbs: Cancel.

Fabio then growls and goes to the front of the store.

He confronted Barbs and she said "the floor is in bad shape." Meanwhile, lines are taking over the store like impatient lusty moms at a Twilight premiere. 

Fabio says "What you need to do is hop on a register since you keep turning away the cashiers" and calls the cashiers up again.

He jumps on a register to help out, and allegedly Barbs just stood there and sulked until the main cashier came back.

Fabio said he was going to put in a complaint about Barbs and asked if the rest of us could back him up.

We said HELL YES. Hopefully Barbs is the next to go.

One thing that I've been having a problem as of late is people paying in coins.

This lady and her grandkid came up and tried to pay for a freaking $20 toy...IN PENNIES. Pennies

And it wasn't like they had the pennies out as they came up to the counter. I rung them out and then OUT POPS THE PENNIES.


I called my manager in a panic. It's policy to count the money and make sure it's the right amount.

Granny just dumped a mountain of pennies on my counter and expects me to count it.

WTF, people???

Is it THAT HARD to sit down and roll coins or go to a freaking CoinStar?

I see this happening nowadays more often than it's supposed to happen. My manager told the lady that we only accepted rolled coins or some other BS so that she would take her pennies and leave.

It makes me want to open a coin-rolling business. Just rolling coins all day with the TV on, and if a customer acts up, just whack them in the head with a roll of quarters.

Hopefully everyone's week will be awesome!




Becoming Better Custys

Retail hell underground 032s Movie Mogul here; I haven't written in since Oscar season--but with Black Friday come and gone, and the retail season from hell upon us, I wanted to pitch in a few words of encouragement. 

I also wanted to encourage those of you who, like me, are no longer in the retail business, to take some action of your own. You'll see what I mean.

I am in my forties now, and am lucky enough to have an office-based job where on a busy day I only have to deal with four or five people. I have a relatively normal work week, with weekends off, and my work phone doesn't even ring that often. 

However, I worked for several years in a grocery store when I was younger, and another few years at a movie theater, and faced every type of customer you can imagine, from the patient and cooperative to the downright hellish. 

More importantly, I REMEMBER those days, and I do my very best to empathize with the retail slaves when I encounter them. I am patient and courteous; I tip 20% whenever I possibly can; I put things I have decided not to purchase back where they belong. I am not saying this to pat my own back; I am saying it because I remember working in those types of jobs, knowing full well they suck, and to this day I do all I can to help minimize the suckiness.

I found myself with pretty much nothing to do on Black Friday this year, so I went on a little mission. 

I prowled around a couple local malls, and hit The Big Red Bullseye and CheapCo and Mal-Wart. I was there not only to do some people-watching--Black Friday is a time where you can see the very best and very worst of human behavior--but to also pitch in a little moral support to the overworked retail slaves. 

I wish I could report an incident of an out-of-control custy who got a new asshole torn, but alas, I did not see anything to that extreme. 

The best I could do was to walk around and thank the store associates for their hard and thankless work, and that they were appreciated. Retail hell underground 035

This brings me to my point. 

If you are out and about, shopping at a mall or big box, or going out to eat, it really doesn't take any extra effort to let those waiting on you know they are doing a good job.

Just keep in mind many of those folks are working well under the minimum wage, and the bulk of their income comes from YOUR tips. 

I know that posting to this particular forum is preaching to the choir, but I plan to spread the word in other places, as well. 

I fully remember that even though most customers are decent and respectable, all it takes is one high-octane asshole to ruin your entire day.

Sadly, those assholes are not going away anytime soon--BUT those of us who do not work in those stores and restaurants, and have nothing to lose by calling these assholes out loudly and publicly, should do so whenever the opportunity arises.

We need to school these idiot custys; who knows, it may actually sink in to their trashy and clueless little brains that being a colossal bitch or prick is not the way to go.

Even if there is not an asshole customer to confront, go out of your way with a smile and a word of encouragement or congratulation to your server or retail slave. YOU can be the person who turns around a day that has been soured by an asshole custy!

--Movie Mogul