From Humor Me:

No, I haven't found a job yet, but when you have been in retail as long as I have, and you have that built in "Can I help you?" gene, you just can't stop yourself when you see someone who looks totally lost.

So I was in "the Bullseye" last week getting some stuff because its the only store I can get to by foot. Granted it still takes me 30 to 45 minutes even though its 100 yards to the corner of the parking lot and then diagonally across, but its the best I can do.

I was getting some basics like milk and bread because I was completely out and couldn't make cereal or a sandwich without them, when I see a lady looking lost.

ME: *mentally thinking "I'm going to pay for this"...* "Having trouble? I used to work retail. You know you can use one of those red phones *points to phone on post RIGHT THERE* and they can tell you right where to find something."

CRUSTY: "Oh, they never can tell you where to go. I'm looking for ice cube trays and drain boards."

ME: "Well, I could probably figure it out, I know about where they keep stuff in general. Let's look."

*believe me. If I hadn't been in a mobility cart, I wouldn't have even considered it*

We are wandering up and down the aisles and I find stuff like the cooking utensils.

ME: "You'd think they would be right in here. Are you sure you don't want to call? There's another box right over here."

*points to another red box about 10' away*

CRUSTY: "No. They probably don't have what I'm looking for anyway!"

*I turn the cart around*

ME: "Let me get a better look at the other end of the aisles."

"Oh Look! Here are the drainboards!"

Crusty proceeds to look at every single drainboard deciding it was too expensive or didn't point the right way, and as she looked at each one, would toss it back at the shelf!

I would go back and straighten it up behind her, all the while resisting the urge to bash her over the head with each one.

Mind you, I don't even WORK THERE!

CRUSTY: "I only came here because I got a $10 gift card. I saw ice cube trays at Wal-Mart, but I didn't like the shade of blue... it was too dark."

I'm thinking, "The ICE CUBE TRAYS WERE TOO DARK?!!! Who the fuck sees ice cube trays? They sit in your fucking freezer all the time making fucking ICE! Unless that's where you keep the eyeballs of the people you have killed, you fucking anal-retentive bitch!

*smiles sweetly*

ME: "Well, sorry I couldn't help you. Good luck!"

*Drives to the next aisle, grabs grapefruit spoons and proceeds to dig out my eyeballs so I can't spot another lost crusty*

-- Humor Me