Previous month:
April 2011
Next month:
June 2011

Science Ninja's Learned Retail Lessons

ScienceNinja Hello, I am Science Ninja, and I am a sorceress and daughter of the devil.

I have two lessons for you today:

1) People are actually insane. Just. Really. Insane.

2) It's never good to stand out when you work in Retail.

Sooo, a little story for you here. I have lots to tell, but I wanted to tell this one cause it's freaking hilarious!

May 21st, when everyone was dying from the rapture, I went into the town where I work shopping. A little back story here, I'm a punk, and my hair is dyed black and blue (I tie it back for work so you can't really see it) and my boyfriend... Is a steam punk. This means he walks around with a top hat and a cane. I find it pretty freaking awesome, but people do tend to avoid us on the street... I wonder why...

Anyway, skip to the next day, and I'm working. A little old, quite frankly innocent looking lady walked up to me and had the following conversation.

Old Lady: Excuse me, were you shopping in town yesterday?

Science Ninja: Yes, I was, why do you ask?

OL: (literally out of the blue) SORCERESS!

SN: Um, Ok, What? Sickocustya1

OL: I saw you with the boy you brought back from the dead. He was not of our time. You have used sorcery to bring him back, and thus you are a devils child. I pray for your soul.

And then she walked off.

Honestly, I really do love working in retail. It really brightens up my life.

Until next time retail slaves, The Sorceress is signing out...

--The Science Ninja


Custy Overhears Warehouse Slave Joking about Rapture And Complains

Sent in on May 21st from Rat: Jason 051


Yeah, I'm alive, I know you all were drooling in anticipation. 

Despite my best efforts, I have not been fired, not even reprimanded since my last writing. Until today.

Oh, today. 

Today, as some of you may know, was the supposed RAPTURE. Which means the world ends, Jesus happens, all the cool stuff like that. And I like talking about the end of the world, because let's be honest, 8 hours of moving, building, and moving furniture again is nothing but an exercise in futility and I need SOMETHING to keep me sane.

Sadly, I picked the hot button topic for this glorious day, and a surprising amount of people were on edge, including many customers.

Now, I've gotten reported by customers before. I'll wear headphones while I do paperwork, or I'll eat at the work desk if we're busy and there's no time to take a break, mostly because the store manager is aware of the fact we're alternatively busy as all hell or just plain dead, allowing for a rather large amount of rule bending.

For some reason, I got it with both barrels today from the warehouse manager, which I was not prepared for. We talk a lot of shit around customers, and like I said, the main subject today was the Rapture.  Jason 0501

A few guys I worked with were scared, and I told them, perhaps too well, what would happen. For the first time in what seems like forever, a customer was actually listening when I talked, and got mad at me, for not only "scaring him" with talk of the apocolypse, but for mocking his religion and God.

Now, I'm Catholic enough to be ashamed of the many, many sins I commit when I simply exist, and this guy wasn't making my day any easier, what with buying a sectional and driving up in a very small car, so I'm about a hair from unloading on this guy, when Psycho stops me. He pointed at our boss, who had the most evil look on his face, but directed towards me.

After the customer left, he called me into his office. "I don't like joo talking about shits like that."

"Well...shit. Why?"

"It's freaky and people don't wanna die."

"Neither do I, but it's not going to happen."

"Rat. I'm not joking. I will fire you if you do it again."

I'd like to point out I did a no call no show on Friday and Saturday last weekend, which is kind of like punching your boss in the face, but worse, and nothing came of that. This is a man who's not even religious. When a guy nicknamed Psycho is the sanest person in the room, there's a problem.

May the couches avoid your crotch,


Checkout Lane Hell: A Bear-hugging Custy

Creepycusty I work at a warehouse club store who's name is the initial of a common sex act otherwise known as fellatio. (Believe me, my husband and friends get a big kick out of where I work. I have heard it all from, "Gee, I never knew I could buy them by the wholesale," to flat out rude ones from custy asking if having a membership card at our store entitles him to free B.J.s)

Now I'm a fairly damn perky person. Sorry about that, it is just how I am made. It takes a lot to get on my nerves and I'm just a natural people person. So I will go by Perky.

One of the things that make our store different is that the cashier is on the same side of the conveyor belt as the customer. Believe I wish it wasn't. For some reason this leaves the cashier open to all sort of just weird shit. Custys always feel as if they have to stand right on top of you. No ideal about personal space. And don't even get me started on the stinky ones.

Now as I said, I'm pretty friendly and perky. I also have this sing-song voice, and from what I've been told by co-workers, friends, costumers is that it makes me seem very open and friendly.  I guess it comes off as too friendly sometimes. Cue creepy old man. So I'm ringing up this older man,about 60ish and I'm in a rather good mood. I'm chatting and joking with him and I guess he thought I was flirting with him. I didn't think so, but at the end of the transaction he says, "Can I just give you a hug?" I was somewhat floored. I've had costumers ask all sorts of weird stuff, but never for a hug.

I was sort of shocked, and before I could reply he wraps me in this huge bear hug, practicably pulling me off my feet and then plants a fat wet kiss on my forehead!  Seriously my forehead was wet! GROSS.

The woman behind him in line thought it was hilarious. She was like, "You should have seen the look on your face when he did that...hahahaha" I smiled and laughed it off with her, but I was fuming inside both at him and her.

Hello I'm glad you thought it was funny, but I'm sure as hell you would not have been laughing if some stranger did that to you.

And what is with it with these costumers who think that they can put their hands (and in this case mouth) on you just because you work in a service job? UGH. I'm dreading that man coming in again. It's been about a month and I haven't seen him, and I'm hoping I won't have to put up with that again.