Well RHU, the holidays are over and things are gradually getting back to normal (if you can call it that) so I thought I would share another crazy custy story that happened to me recently.

Now you’re probably wondering about why I’m posting this video and its connection to Retail Hell. If you peruse Youtube frequently, you might have taken a gander at this e-Harmony member who is obsessed with cats to point that someone autotuned it causing it to go viral. Well since my crazy custy loves cats I thought it would be fitting that I refer to her as the Crazy Cat Lady.

Crazy Cat Lady is one of our regulars and at first seems like a normal, sweet old lady who enjoys wearing Doris Day sweaters and speaking in this sweet as saccharine voice. After getting to know her, we discovered that she is the proud owner of several kitties and seemingly lives alone. (You can only imagine what her feline world is like.) Once in while an unfortunately slave is ensnared into her crazy, mixed up world. Sadly, I became such a victim.

I’m manning the retail counter recently when Crazy Cat Lady rushes over in a panic.

Crazy Cat Lady: Is this Lost and Found?

Me: Yes it is.

Crazy Cat Lady: I just lost my cell phone an hour ago! I’m lost without it! Did someone turn one in?

Me: No I’m sorry. I was here the last few hours and no turned any lost items to me. Why don’t I take your name and a contact phone number so I can call you if it gets turned in?

Crazy Cat Lady: No! That simply won’t do! I know somebody stole it! It’s a Verizon cell phone! Somebody must have turned it in!

Me: I’m sorry but no one turned anything in. Tell you what, let me check our Lost and Found area just to be certain. (I go through our Lost and Found items and no cell phone whatsoever.) I’m afraid nothing got turned in last few hours since I’ve been here. I would be happy to take your information just in case we get lucky and someone finds it and turns it in.

Crazy Cat Lady: THAT’S NOT GOOD ENOUGH! SOMEONE STOLE IT! WE SHOULD CALL THE POLICE AND HAVE THEM ARRESTED! It’S PROBABLY ONE OF THOSE TEENAGE KIDS! THEY’RE ALWAYS CAUSING TROUBLE! I NEED SOMEONE TO INVESTIGATE THIS!

Me: Mam’, if you want to file a police report. That is up to you but all we can do as a store is take down your information.

Crazy Cat Lady: SOMEONE STOLE IT I TELL YOU! YOU SHOULD GET SECURITY TO LOOK AT YOUR TAPES! I KNOW IT IS ONE OF THOSE GODDAMN TEENAGERS! THEY ALWAYS STEALING! WHY CAN’T YOU BAN THEM FROM THE STORE?

Me: Mam, if you want our security manager to follow up with you I’ll relay the message but it is a very long process since they can’t pinpoint exactly where your phone was. As for the teenagers, they are customers like everyone else. If you have an issue with that, you call the company at this main number. (I hand her the info.)

Crazy Cat Lady: YOU CAN’T TRUST ANYONE THESE DAYS! WHOEVER STOLE IT WILL BURN IN HELL! (She scribbles her info, tosses it to me and leaves.)

At this point, I’m so relieved that I no longer have to deal with her and go about my business. Half an hour later, Crazy Cat Lady returns and I’m just about ready to shoot myself.

Crazy Cat Lady: I’ve tried to use my store credit card and it is not working. Why is that?

I silently sigh and look up her account information. Unfortunately, she has an outstanding balance on her card so the credit department placed a hold on the account and it is my job to break the bad news to her.

Me: I’m sorry but because your have been behind on your payments, the Credit Department has put a hold on your account.

Crazy Cat Lady: THAT IS NOT RIGHT! I PAY MY ACCOUNT BUT THE BALANCE NEVER GOES DOWN! YOU KEEP CHARGING ME FEES!

Me: Mam, you have not made your payments on time. Credit does charge late fees every time you miss paying by your due date.

Crazy Cat Lady: BUT THAT IS NOT FAIR! YOU SHOULD NOT BE CHARGING YOUR CUSTOMERS FEES ON MY CREDIT CARD! WHY IS IT THAT EVERY TIME I MAKE A PAYMENT YOU CHARGE ME MORE FEES AND MY ACCOUNT NEVER GOES DOWN?

Me: According to the information, you’re only paying the minimum instead of the full balance off. Plus, you keep charging more after your payments and with the interest your balance increases.

Crazy Cat Lady: YOU SHOULDN’T BE CHARGING INTEREST FOR MY CARD! I’M ON A FIXED INCOME! I WON’T PAY THAT BALANCE!

Me: That is up to you Mam but you do know that you do have a credit card and like any credit card they do charge interest if you don’t pay your balance in full?

Crazy Cat Lady: I REALIZE IT IS A CREDIT CARD! I’M NOT STUPID! YOU JUST SHOULDN’T CHARGE INTEREST! I WON’T PAY THAT AMOUNT!

Obviously, this was getting us nowhere so I give the phone number to Crazy Cat Lady to call the Credit Department and see if there anything they do for her. Crazy Cat Lady leaves but not before ranting how the company is cheating her with interest on her credit card. I thought I has finally gotten rid of her when a familiar voice called me over.

Crazy Cat Lady: Excuse me! Excuse me! Did anyone turn in my cell phone? SOMEBODY MUST HAVE STOLEN IT! THEY’LL BURN IN HELL!

Is it me or do I attract the crazies?

--Queer Geek