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February 2012
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Queer Geek is A Non-Tipping Douchebag

QUEERGEEKI hate to admit it RHU but good ol’ Queer Geek became a douchebag custy.

Yes, I’m going to Hell in handbasket but since we’re on the subject does anyone want to carpool? Party at the Lake of Fire! Ooooh! Ooooh!

Anyway my douchebag buggery refers to my choice to stiff a tip to my server. To tip or not to tip, that is the question. But before you judge me like a tight shirt man boobed Simon Cowell on X-Factor, here me out!

I decided to grab some dinner before work at a local Vietnamese restaurant ordering a small order of noodle soup called pho. For those unfamiliar with this delicious treat, pho is a Vietnamese noodle soup made with rice noodles, veggies, and meat of your choice. It’s the broth that makes it extra tasty. Even Martha Stewart would lick her Lysol bottle for it!

Anyway, I’ve eaten here plenty of times and the food and service is usually excellent particularly since the owner makes an effort to provide the vest best customer experience. However I soon learned that when he’s off and his brother takes over, it can go fifty fifty. No sooner had I entered the establishment than I was met with the brother loading supply orders through the front door. Standing around waiting to be seated in a nearly empty restaurant, I patiently wait five minutes to be acknowledged.

The brother finally notices me and calls out his teenbopper son who is playing with his laptop at the front counter staring at the widescreen television completely ignoring the customers in the restaurant.

"Hey! Can you sit him?" shouts the brother.

"What?" calls out the teenbopper son.

"SEAT HIM!" Brother tells him.

Teenbopper begrudgingly seats me and gives me an attitude like it’s a burden to deal with me and hands me a menu. Then returns to his laptop. Brother comes back inside and takes my order. I order the usual beef noodle soup, some appetizers, and a Sprite. Brother then calls out to his son to bring me my soda except that he screams clear across the room in front of me and the other custys.

"BRING OUT SPRITE!"

"What?" asked the teenybopper.

"SPRITE!"

"What?"

"SPRITE! NEVER MIND! I’LL BRING IT OUT!"

Brother goes into kitchen and returns with my drink. After serving my meal which was delicious, I notice that teenybopper is not even acknowledging any of the customers. There was maybe three people in the eatery and not once did he offer any refills or checked up on any of the patrons. I finally finish eating and waited for my bill. Still teenybopper is too transfixed on his laptop and the flatscreen to even give me the check. After ten minutes, he finally hands me the bill which I pay but conveniently decide to leave out any tip. Normally, I’m a nice guy and even tip a dollar for bad service but this took the cake for me. I guess after reading the comments on the RHU about bad tippers, I decided to be one those bad custys who stiffed my server.

In my defense, I’m not giving my money to some snotnose teenybopper who doesn’t give a shit about his job. FUCK NO! So tell me RHU, was I right in being a douchebag and not tipping my server?

Remember when you leave a comment, a slave gets his wings and can fly out of retail hell!

--Queer Geek


Pet Store Hell: Custys and Their Pooches

BookstoreslaveBookstore Slave with a rant about man's 'best friend': Kill it! Kill it with fire!

Yeah, yeah, pooch lovers may adore their dogs, and to be honest, I love well behaved, well trained dogs too. I plan to adopt one once I have the financial means and space required to get one. But the ones I've dealt with have NEVER been well trained, well behaved dogs. I've dealt with "precious poopsie muffin" too often in stores, usually in the form aggressive little rat-dog-piranhas or fat, over-makeuped women carrying their toy breed named Muffin in their arms. "Give the cashier a kiss Love Muffin, oh isn't that adorable? How PRECIOUS! GIVE MUFFIN A KISS!"

Woman, get that fucking thing out of my face before I pop its head like a pimple, bag it and charge you for the trouble. Dogs don't like people in their faces. They get stressed, irritable and their only escape is to FUCKING BITE to get whatever it is out of their faces! If your dog bites me, I don't care whether it breaks the skin or not. I. Will. Fucking. Kill. It. I don't care whether it's the dog's fault or the human's fault. I will defend myself and my first instinct when something assaults me is to punch or shove it. And your little piranha can't survive a right hook to the face.

And why the fuck did you dress that animal in a pink tutu with matching nail polish? It's NOT cute! It's a DOG! They like being dogs, not paraded around like a living Barbie doll. Did it cross your mind that maybe your dog might lick its paw? Did it cross your mind that fucking MAKEUP is bad for your dog? Professionals use dog safe stuff for animal actors. What they use isn't bought over the counter and sold to upright walking homo sapiens who are usually well aware that the stuff should not be licked, chewed or otherwise ingested.

Jcbone I have chased people out of the store who tried to smuggle their dogs into the store in between their massive mammaries (yes lady, you have three breasts: one that wriggles and just sent a spreading wetness through your shirt). I've confronted people who have barking tote bags. No that is NOT your ringtone. I can see the wet, black nose from here. And for that matter, something that was used as a spokes-dog for a fast food restaurant... UGH!

Every time that loathsome commercial popped up, all I heard in my head was "Hi! I eat my own poop, lick my ass and want to talk to you about taste! Yo quiero Baco Tell!"

Aaand now I have been put off that restaurant chain for eternity. How about THOSE movies? Ever since Hollywood released those fucking movies about the little dogs being carried around in bags, I have vowed revenge. There are SO FUCKING MANY people who are trying to bring their rat-sized land-piranhas into places where dogs should never be. HEALTH REGULATIONS people! These are LAWS, not just some douchebag who is being a big, fat, stinky, meanie pants to your dog.

TLDR: Be a responsible dog owner, respect Health Laws, train your dog properly, keep your dog at home, or otherwise only shop at stores where the dog is welcome and accepted.

May all your customers be nice,

--Bookstore Slave


Custy Phrases To Tech Support and What They Really Mean

Jason 013From TechTiger :

"A friend who knows computers told me..." = Someone who once read a ten year old copy of Wired.

"Let me give you some background" = Nothing useful <I>ever</i> follows this phrase. You don't know what the problem is, or you wouldn't have called me. Just tell me "I can't do X." and stop talking. I'll ask the questions for any 'background' I might need. If I need to know how big your HD is, how big your monitor is, what the monitor  resolution is, what color your keyboard is, what your dog just horked up on your foot, I'll ask for it.

"Last time you did X" = Ok, that's almost a useful statement... but generally 'last time' was either a totally different problem, or this problem and that didn't work, so it'd be kind of pointless for me to do it again... The same goes for:

"Why do you always do something different when I call?" Well, if you have the same problem and I did the same thing, it obviously didn't work the first time... or: Windows has half a dozen ways to do pretty much everything, and some of us have our preferred ways of doing things. I grew up with keyboards, so I tend to use keyboard shorcuts.

"Ok, now --" (Interruption to ask what they're supposed to do) = Well, if you'd STFU for a few seconds and let me finish even ONE sentence, you might hear the answer to the question you just ran over.

Jason 011"Ok, now --" (Interrruption) "I don't know anything about computers." (Unspoken: 'And I cherish this ignorance'). = I know. That's why you called me. That's why I'm trying, in the face of your fighting me every gorram step of the way, to fix the problem that your shrieking and flinging poo at the keyboard caused.

(diagnose for an hour, determine problem is something I don't support.) "The trouble you're having is X. You're going to need to talk to X-Support." "No, that's not the problem." Really. If you knew what it is, then why don't you fix it your fucking self? Oh, you don't know anything about computers? Hey, then maybe the person <I>whose job it is to determine problems and fix them</I> might know better than you do.

From my days in AOhelL: "I'm losing thousands of dollars because I can't get to my email so I deserve the next ten years of AOL free!" = "I'm sorry sir, the Terms of Service says that the billing plan you're on is specifically for entertainment use only. Let me transfer you to the billing department to switch you to the business plan that guarantees uptime...at ten times the cost." (crusty starts backpedaling so hard I can feel the breeze over the phone)

Jason 009aI have no problem with people being ignorant. I can fix that. I understand that you're used to the little rectangle full of lights changing in certain ways when you push buttons on the keyboard and your whole life is crashing down in ruins around you because you can't get to bookface or whatever. My job is to fix the problem, and my desire is to get you off my phone as quickly as I can. If you will work with me instead of flailing around like an epileptic crack monkey, I will do the best I can to get your problem fixed... and if you treat me like a person, I may do even more.

The one advantage that tech support has over retail is that we can just hang up on them and make them disappear. (And nobody usually takes a dump in our cubicle, I guess, too... :P )

-- TechTiger

 

[This Started off as a reply to Hellraiser's
http://www.retailhellunderground.com/my_weblog/2012/03/call-center-phrases-to-avoid.html
But got a little long for a reply, so I thought it might work as a separate submission.]