It's coming! The horror to end all horrors! You cannot escape it! You cannot fight it! [insert woman's scream] Coming soon... TO GET YOU!!
In 2001, 9/11 and the postal service brought you Anthrax!
In 2002, the West Nile Virus struck like a crocodile!
In 2003, SARS paralyzed the nation with dread!
In 2005, the bird flu flapped its way into the country on wings of death!
In 2009, you quivered as H1N1 struck terror into your hearts!
In 2011, Whooping Cough seized your lungs!
And let's not forget the annual FLU SHOT! OH MA GAWDZ! This year is the WORST! It has mutated in new and horrifying ways!
It's always a new disease and IT'S OUT TO GET YOU! It wants to kill you! It is sentient and plans to eat your soul! You will shit your soul out while hemorrhaging from your eyes! Get a shotz nao cuz yur next!!
"There's always another one!"
*cough* Okay, yeah I dunno if you thought that was hilarious, scary, or a little of both (in more ways than one). Let's face it, I volunteer in a hospital, and the very next DAY that flyer warnings about Pandemic A comes down, Pandemic B is slapped in its place, screaming about a brand new horror. There's ALWAYS a Pandemic Panic as some new disease gets spotlighted, and everyone runs in circles with their arms flailing uselessly. They are screaming for vaccines and shots and magical ways to bury grandma's apron in the backyard under the full moon while splitting the atom and singing the Star Spangled Banner backwards. Sure, that'll cure ya.
For the love of all that is holy, it pisses me right the fuck off. Because it was required in order to volunteer without one of those crappy strap on masks over my mouth and nose, I got my H1N1 shot. I completely ignored the bird flu and the whooping cough. Mystery of mysteries, I never caught any of them. I also do not get the annual flu shot. Want to know how?
1) volunteers aren't exposed to people who are still infectious.
2) I practice hospital recommended sanitizing methods (singing "happy birthday to me" x2 while rubbing my soaped up hands together with antibacterial soap before rinsing)
Everyone who gets these stabs with the needle on a regular basis squawk about how much more terrible it is this year as opposed to last year. Um, yeah. Dude. Just like the year before that. And the year before that. AAANNND the year before that. And let's not forget the year before that when everyone in the whole wide world turned into mindless zombies and stormed the stores, spreading their virus to hapless, formerly healthy retail slaves... oh wait... sorry, that happens every year in retail. And everyone... EVERYONE who gets these shots decides to save my soul like some god fearing Bible thumper every time I say that I do not get my shots.
Shot Whores: Oh but flu shots work!
Bookstore Slave: Oh yeah? Then why do I hear about people getting fevers, get sick to their stomach, get runny noses and all around show symptoms of the flu after they get zapped?
Shot Whores: Oh, but they either already had the flu before the shot or else are just showing the symptoms as their body fights off the dead or weakened injection.
Bookstore Slave: I-it-what- ok ok ok , wait. Stop the train. Time out. You're telling me that this "dead or weakened" virus, makes you break out in alllll the symptoms of the flu as your body fights it off?
Shot Whores: Well yeah, that's your immune system doing its job.
Bookstore Slave: Okay, sooo, let me lay this out for you. I never get a flu shot. Ever. I stay healthy for a whole year, or MAYBE get the flu for one week and then I'm fine. OR I can get a shot and experience the EXACT SAME problem only I don't actually have the flu. I'd rather avoid the whole mess. I'm not going to freak out over this.
Shot Whores: ZOMFG! You're not getting a shot?! AIIIEEE! PLAGUE BEARER!
Yes I have heard all the excuses. Some people don't even get the symptoms blah blah blah. But it could prevent your getting the flu blah blah blah.
1) I am terrified of needles. My ears aren't even pierced. I tried to face my fear by training to become a phlebotomist, and I had to quit because I was stressed and miserable after every class session AND during my internship. Even when I got over my unreasoning terror, I still couldn't handle the damn thing as a career. The doctor has to sneak up on me to to hook me up to an IV in the ER, and then I shake and sob uncontrollably until I'm exhausted. There is no way in hell I'm going to volunteer for MORE stabs with a needle.
2) Flu shots protect you from LAST YEAR'S strain of the flu. Chances are good I'll get sick anyway if I'm going to get sick.
3) You know there's going to be another panic over something next year, and the media will blow it way the fuck out of proportion anyway. It's just not worth the headache of yet ANOTHER shot.
May your customers be nice and your pandemics be forgotten,