Bullshit Employee Treatment
Clever Merchandising Strategy

The Retail Balls Award Goes To: N.A.T.s In My Pants Story!

Balls award2Two teenagers come into my shoe store and immediately my spidey sense starts going haywire. You know, that feeling in the pit of your stomach that some crazy shit is about to go down? Yeah, that.

Well I walk up to them while they are clearly looking at a pair of men's $109.99 Sperrys. "Can I help you guys find anything?"

The kid drops the shoe back on the shelf and turns to the store brand boat shoes that are half the price and asks how "buy one get one half price" works. He wants to know if the more expensive pair can be half price.


I explain and he dismisses me pretty quickly. Meanwhile across the store, his buddy is trying on the women's Skechers Bobs (because buying a men's shoe makes too much sense).

At this point, I get a return so I have to go to the cash wrap in the front. As I'm wrapping it up, the kids are walking up to the front to leave. I notice a huge bulge in the kids pants (yes, I was looking!) And I asked him to stop as he was walking out.

Most of you know the rules, if you didn't see it, it didn't happen, but I don't really follow rules like that. I say fuck em.

Anyhow, I yell at my sales associate to find the empty Sperry box and call the police. Now, I'm a big girl and these were two tall skinny teenagers (the police later told me h.s. basketball players). I RAN across the parking lot toward the street after them, as they didn't want to get in their car and let me get the plates.

Jason derpIt's at least a quarter of a mile and there are other businesses lining the street. They ran across the lot and across the street into the Olive Garden parking lot and I lost them. The police were on their way but I wasn't letting them cross back and get away.

One of the kids apparently is dumber than a bucket of butts because he tries to cross back and then sees me half way through and runs back. Anyhow the police show up and catch the dumb one but the other one ran off.

Once they have the guy in custody, I get my shoes back and they bring the other one in too. The police even let me take their pictures and tell them off! It was one of my finer busts if I do say so myself!

Retail slave: 2 (one for each thief)
N.A.T.s: 0

--Lady Caligula


The Last Archimedean


Hopefully they learn something from this and reform themselves. But I doubt it.

The Worst

Hooray for catching NATs! Did you put their pictures on a wall of shame?


I don't know how to feel about this one. Of course, it's good that you got the thieves. However, I would think the markup on shoes in insane since you're mostly paying for the name. Let's say the shoes cost the store $40. I don't agree at all that it's worth putting your personal safety at risk for $40.

There are pretty hard-and-set rules across the retail industry outright forbidding employees to "chase" supposed thieves. For one thing, they may have not stolen anything and you could possibly have a lawsuit on your hands or the thieves could be armed and retaliate against any pursuers. I work retail nights and weekends aside from my regular job, and I know I would probably get fired for even accusing someone of stealing, let alone actually chasing them. Additionally, I would never, ever pursue a thief for the reasons outlined above. Like I said, either way, it's not worth it for a retail employee to risk so much just to save the store a few bucks.

But...congratulations, I guess.

"Adventerous" Clerk

Wicked, wicked story logic challenged teenagers make my life hell too, makes me happy to see somebody scoring a point. I will say though I was mostly enamored with your sign name "Lady Caligula" my inner history nerd started gibbering like a loon with joy.

Lady Caligula

I think its fun to chase shoplifters and humiliate them. Most of the time if i get my shoes back i dont presspress charges because its a waste of time and time doesnt do any good. Ive been in 4 fist fights with shoplifters becbecauseause i was following them. Im ok with it because thry hit me first and i fuck them up before the police come. I also carry mace for people with knives and things like that. Also im crazy.

About my name...its fitting lol. Im obsessed with history too and caligula means little boots in latin. Also the 3rd roman emporer was notoriously crazy, violent and perverted. My kind of guy...


You didn't really do anything to violate their rights though. You had good reason to suspect them as they clearly had shoved shoes down their pants, I'm fairly certain that would hold up in court. You didn't try to search them but called the police to do that. So well done all around.

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